Monthly Archives: May 2019

Episode 265 It’s Tom Green, not Green Tom!

The man, the myth, the legendary Tom Green joins this episode of the #naplescaptainslog to tell us about his career and his most recent project, his new album! You can purchase his new album on a green vinyl or find it on apple music!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Tom Green out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We could do it. Let’s do it, guys. The Captain’s Log with Tom Green.

Tom Green: Oh my God, yeah.

Captain Brien: Hey, we are live.

Tom Green: Yeah, what about that camera?

Captain Brien: This one, let’s turn them all on.

Tom Green: You’ve got so many cameras, Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna turn everything on and go live.

Tom Green: Captain Brien’s got so many cameras. I don’t know which one to look at.

Captain Brien: Do you like it?

Tom Green: I like it. I’m not gonna look at any of the cameras.

Captain Brien: You’re not gonna look.

Tom Green: Because I don’ want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera.

Captain Brien: No, no, of course not.

Tom Green: This time I’m gonna look around at stuff. Not gonna look at any of the cameras because I don’t want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera, so I’m just going to look around at stuff.

Captain Brien: Yeah, don’t look at anything.

Tom Green: I said that twice.

Captain Brien: We need gas today though. Today’s the first time I think I might have to get gas live on The Log.

Tom Green: Have you ever run out of gas on The Captain’s Log?

Captain Brien: On The Log? No, that would not be fun. I haven’t done much driving tactics on The Log, mostly just driving.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Not a lot of, I haven’t gotten pulled over.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Thank God I haven’t gotten in an accident.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Mostly just driving.

Tom Green: That’s cool.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: I’ve watched the show quite a bit.

Captain Brien: Well I appreciate that. You know what’s funny is of course–

Tom Green: It’s my favorite show.

Captain Brien: It’s your favorite?

Tom Green: I can’t believe I’m on this. I feel like I’m doing Letterman right now, for the first time.

Captain Brien: Well speaking of–

Tom Green: I’m a little nervous.

Captain Brien: You are now doing a Larry King.

Tom Green: Yes, yeah.

Captain Brien: Which is amazing.

Tom Green: I’m guest hosting Larry King Now.

Captain Brien: Larry King Now.

Tom Green: Which is on Hulu and Ora TV, and it’s been really cool and I’ve gotten to do multiple episodes of the show, 10 episodes we’ve done already, and I think we’re going to be doing more.

Captain Brien: Do they release all of them at once?

Tom Green: No, they kind of been coming out–

Captain Brien: The come out like daily or weekly?

Tom Green: Yep, a few a week, yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: Daily I think, yep.

Captain Brien: That’s cool.

Tom Green: Yeah, so.

Captain Brien: And how, how’s the studio? Is it like a big production thing or–

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Is it, I mean, it’s legit, like, it’s like–

Tom Green: Larry King Studios. It’s amazing, yeah, it’s incredible. That’s what’s cool about it ’cause I’ve done home made broadcasts, kind of like this, where I hooked up a bunch of cameras and done web shows and things. But it’s cool to be able to go down there and have like a full state of the art television studio.

Captain Brien: Speaking of which, Josh Pray is on there right now.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Josh, what’s up buddy.

Tom Green: Oh yeah, you can see people.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do a little deal with Tom Green this week. I told them we’re going to get hooked up.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so this–

Tom Green: Oh Josh Pray’s your friend you were telling me about.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom Green: Who’s got millions of followers.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s my boy, so we’re gonna hook it up.

Tom Green: Hey Josh, can you tell your followers to go look at my YouTube channel? I posted two new music videos this week.

Captain Brien: And how you gonna rap? You rap about your new song.

Tom Green: Yeah, I have a new song. We just world premiered it. We just played it on 105.5.

Captain Brien: Five, yeah, The Beat.

Tom Green: The Beat, it’s called–

Captain Brien: And the name of the song is?

Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.

Captain Brien: I love that.

Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.

Captain Brien: I Love that. That, that kind of is everybody’s.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Song.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s their theme song.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Who doesn’t?

Tom Green: Who doesn’t like Drake?

Captain Brien: What’s the, what’s the beat, your favorite line in the song?

Tom Green: In my song?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: I think it’s, “I know you said “no new friends homie but that’s exactly who I am.”

Captain Brien: I was, I was looking at beat, but I love the photography that you did, the footage of the video. They have to go your Tom Green, not on your Facebook, I’m sorry, on your YouTube because you have the video, and you shot it all across Asia, right?

Tom Green: Yeah, so I’m here doing–

Captain Brien: Which I love.

Tom Green: I’m here in Florida doing stand up comedy at Off The Hook this weekend, and I’m touring all the time, but I was in Asia a few weeks ago, did a three week tour throughout the continent of Asia, Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Philippines and China, Shanghai, China. And so we shot three music videos over there actually.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Tom Green: Two of which have just been premiered. There’s a second video up on the website also.

Captain Brien: What I love about all the stuff you do, it’s so organic, like everything you post is just stuff that you create, your content. It’s original for you. And you were like one of the first guys to even do that, period.

Tom Green: Yeah, I was into skateboarding videos when I was a teenager, and I remember seeing skateboarding videos, Tony Hawk.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: Who I just interviewed on Larry King Now. Who is now a friend of mine but I was, he was my idol when I was growing up. And part of the reason was ’cause I just, not only ’cause I loved watching the skateboarding but I loved watching the videos they would make. And that was the first time I remembered ever seeing like videos that weren’t made by a major television network.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tom Green: And you know how the world’s changed, right, now everybody’s making videos themselves and posting on Facebook, so we’re used to seeing raw, guerrilla kind of content now. But back in the 80s, right, that was just so rare to see anything that was, and to me it was appealing to me because you felt like you were seeing something you weren’t really supposed to see.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: It wasn’t run through a corporation, a series of checks and balances, and you get the sanitized show. It was like a lot of, you know, there used to be this video called Faces of Death, that people would watch. It was on a VHS, people would hand it around. And it was like crazy, like, “Oh a guy jumps “out of a plane, his parachute doesn’t open “and he lands in a pit of alligators.” Probably was all fake, but it felt real.

Captain Brien: Right, there is some like–

Tom Green: I don’t like to date myself and sound really old or whatever but I’m 47 years old, you know.

Captain Brien: You’re not old.

Tom Green: Yeah, I remember, but you know I’m, if you’re 20 though, 47 is really old, right.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tom Green: So if you’re 20, that sounds really old. When a 20 year old hears somebody talking about how they remember the world before cell phones.

Captain Brien: Before the internet.

Tom Green: Before the internet, before reality TV.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: That’s like when we were kids, hearing somebody talking about like how grandma didn’t used to have electricity.

Captain Brien: Right, it is, it is.

Tom Green: And you’d be thinking like, “Wow, my grandma’s old, she didn’t have electricity.”

Captain Brien: How does that happen.

Tom Green: It’s almost probably weirder to imagine the world without the internet and cellphones for a young person today because we’re so consumed by them, you know.

Captain Brien: What I find absolutely amazing, is that when it’s as new as like, “Oh iTunes, like you didn’t remember iTunes?” And I’m like, that’s not that old.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: YouTube is 12 years old. It’s not that old.

Tom Green: Yeah, isn’t that crazy?

Captain Brien: But like my kids, they don’t understand, like.

Tom Green: YouTube, this thing we’re on now, it’s 12 years old.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, it’s amazing.

Tom Green: Yeah, it’s amazing.

Captain Brien: It really is.

Tom Green: Rome Marriquin.

Captain Brien: Brian Fox. I got some friends in Wakefield.

Tom Green: Shelly Misorowski.

Captain Brien: Back in the High School Days, Wakefield Mass in the house, when Tom Green was hitting it big time.

Tom Green: All right.

Captain Brien: All fans, all fans of your show, not to mention fans right now. So how did you know like–

Tom Green: Doroda Blair is watching.

Captain Brien: It wasn’t a thing to record people.

Tom Green: Jeremy.

Captain Brien: And do funny videos and like, how did you know that was going to be okay? Like you could just do it. You were just hoping? Or did you feel like, “Hey I’m going to make something out of this.” ‘Cause you really went in full. I mean, you started doing it like.

Tom Green: Yeah I went to school for broadcasting. I was a huge David Letterman fan. Loved Late Night with David Letterman and The Late Show, and loved when he would go out in the street and I loved when he’d do things that were kind of edgy, like you know, go out and yell at people with his megaphone out of his office at people in the street, or deliver a fruit basket to the you know, CEO of GE or whatever. So it was like a, you know, it was something I was sort of a huge fan of. And I just thought, I want to try to do sort of a guerrilla version of that.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Tom Green: A non-networked version of that. And you know, like I was a man of traditional comedy. I loved SCTV and Monty Python and Saturday Night Live and funny movies and comedians and stuff. So I was aware that there was sort of a mainstream way of doing things, and then there was the skateboard video way of doing things. So I tried to kind of combine the two and you know I did pursue trying to get the show picked up by MTV. I mean, we did the show for years in Canada. We were on a small network in Canada.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tom Green: First before MTV. Started on Public Access, did the show for free for years, several years.

Captain Brien: People don’t get that that leads to so many things sometimes.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You know, putting in the time, putting in the energy and making something out of nothing, and then you built enough that it has value.

Tom Green: The Captain’s Log could easily be–

Captain Brien: Correct, like look at this show, dammit.

Tom Green: On CBS someday.

Captain Brien: That’s right. I’m doing it for free.

Tom Green: Some day we’ll be watching this on CBS, Captain Brien on the Captain’s Log. Late night, CBS late night, right after Steven Colbert comes on, The Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: You do inspire me for that.

Tom Green: And you’ll say, “You know I did this show “for free for awhile.”

Captain Brien: Because I’ve been doing this now for quite a long time. People say, “Well why do you do it, man?” Well it’s, number one, I like to document everything that we have going on in life.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: All them cool people like yourself that I meet.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I mean, it’s not like, I may not have this opportunity if I didn’t have a comedy club or if I didn’t have this, the ability to turn on the cameras and just roll with it.

Tom Green: This is the new business model for show business, right, you have a comedy club, you’re selling tickets. People are watching. Presumably some of these amazing people are going to come down to the comedy club.

Captain Brien: That’s right, yes.

Tom Green: Tonight, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night in Naples, Off The Hook Comedy.

Captain Brien: To see the famous Tom Green.

Tom Green: Come on down. I’m doing six shows. And so you know, that’s the revenue model now, right. You know, we’re selling tickets here.

Captain Brien: We are.

Tom Green: It’s interesting you know, like like people sort of, who don’t do standup, who are in the entertainment business, don’t really think I think about the show business model the same way.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tom Green: Once you start doing standup, you really think of it differently.

Captain Brien: Because you’re with the people.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And I think that’s also why that they’re casting so many comedians in movies these days too, because they’re actually, it’s almost like a rock star, right, where you go out and you have a concert tour because you released an album.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: What other, it’s not like Tom Cruise is touring around theaters, saying, “Hey everybody, come watch my movie.”

Tom Green: Yeah, although I would go to that show.

Captain Brien: I would too.

Tom Green: That would be cool.

Captain Brien: It’d be a very good show.

Tom Green: Tom Cruise started doing standup, I would be the first in line. I would love to see that. And he’d probably be really good too.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Tom Green: He’s obviously a great performer.

Captain Brien: Charismatic.

Tom Green: Yeah, absolutely. But you know, you know, Tom Cruise–

Captain Brien: You ever meet him?

Tom Green: I never met him but he went to my school. He lived in Ottawa for awhile when he was in Canada.

Captain Brien: Really.

Tom Green: Yeah, his dad was in the US Navy. And he actually, rumor has it, we were, he lived on the same street that I lived on when I grew up, where I grew up.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Tom Green: But I’ve never had the opportunity to run into Tom Cruise and ask him about that.

Captain Brien: Who would you want to meet?

Tom Green: Well I’ve met David Letterman but I would love to interview David Letterman, ’cause you know.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause of the beards now? ‘Cause you look alike?

Tom Green: Just ’cause I have a million questions for him and was just such an inspiration to me and I look up to him, so it’d be cool to be able to interview him and do that. Who have I not met that I would like to meet? I’ve met, I was doing a bit recently, I was sort of screwing around with like audience recently in one of my shows.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: And you know, the bit is that basically, I’ve basically met everybody except Tom Cruise. I basically met everybody.

Captain Brien: And Drake.

Tom Green: And so like name, yeah.

Captain Brien: Wait did you meet Drake?

Tom Green: No, I haven’t met Drake.

Captain Brien: But he’s coming soon.

Tom Green: But I mean, not to play celebrity name dropping here on Captain Brien’s, The Log, but name somebody, I’ll tell you whether or not I’ve met them or not.

Captain Brien: Howard Stern.

Tom Green: Met him, yes, yes, I’ve been on–

Captain Brien: Good guy?

Tom Green: Yeah, good, great guy.

Captain Brien: That’s probably one of the only guys I want to meet.

Tom Green: Been on his show.

Captain Brien: I want to meet him.

Tom Green: Yeah. Howard Stern phoned my on my cellphone a couple of times, and we had private, off-radio conversations.

Captain Brien: Very cool.

Tom Green: He was always very supportive. Okay, who else?

Captain Brien: Females, let’s see.

Tom Green: Anybody, name anybody.

Captain Brien: How about–

Tom Green: I’ve met everybody.

Tom Green: I’ve been living in Hollywood for 20 years.

Captain Brien: Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford?

Tom Green: Never met her.

Captain Brien: Ah, see.

Tom Green: Never met her, no.

Captain Brien: do you care to meet her?

Tom Green: Yeah. I would like to meet her. I would like to meet everybody. I like everybody.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: Okay but seriously I’ve met everybody. Name someone, I’ve met them. Other than Tom Cruise and Cindy Crawford.

Captain Brien: Let’s see, how about–

Tom Green: And then I’ll tell you a little, a brief story about–

Captain Brien: About, about everyone.

Tom Green: About where we met and how we met, yeah.

Captain Brien: Did you ever meet Barbara Streisand?

Tom Green: Never met her, but I did see her in a restaurant once.

Captain Brien: Joan Rivers.

Tom Green: Joan Rivers I have met. She was amazingly supportive of me. We were on The Celebrity Apprentice together. She won that season. Also I did her show In Bed With Joan, so I actually know her–

Captain Brien: Oh you did that? I thought that was a great show.

Tom Green: Yeah, it was kind of like this.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: I’m glad I’m not in bed with you right now.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well we have, let’s not, let’s not lie to the camera. It’s been in the past, I mean.

Tom Green: Yeah, we don’t want to talk about that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: But yeah, I love Joan, and she was an incredible legend.

Captain Brien: She really was.

Tom Green: Okay, next.

Captain Brien: I don’t know. Who was the person that you’re most proud that you met?

Tom Green: The proudest person to have met?

Captain Brien: Yeah. Or the most inspiring person.

Tom Green: Probably Letterman.

Captain Brien: Letterman, yeah.

Tom Green: That was the most exciting moment for me, when I got asked to be a guest on his show. And then I got to guest host his show once too actually.

Captain Brien: Oh wow.

Tom Green: Guest hosted Letterman once as well. So that was probably for me a big deal. But you know, it’s, it’s cool. I am sort of a big fan of so much comedy and films and television, so I do get a little bit of a thrill–

Captain Brien: Do you?

Tom Green: Out of meeting people, yeah, I get that.

Captain Brien: I didn’t actually expect that.

Tom Green: I get nervous when I know I’m going to interview someone that I’ve never interviewed before. I get nervous if I have to go to a-

Captain Brien: More nervous than being on The Captain’s Log or less?

Tom Green: More nervous.

Captain Brien: Way more.

Tom Green: More nervous, yes.

Captain Brien: Wow, shocking, shocking.

Tom Green: On the scale of nervousness from one to 10 right now, I’m at around a two.

Captain Brien: A two.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I really bring the best out of you.

Tom Green: Well I’m still a little nervous though.

Captain Brien: It could be, it could be a point five.

Tom Green: Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Captain Brien: I know, I know, so that’s good, that’s good. I’m feel good about that.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Now that he’s put it in perspective.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: So what do you think–

Tom Green: Let’s put it this way though, when I’m going to sleep at night, I’m about a three.

Captain Brien: Thanks. You didn’t have to throw that in. We didn’t have to add that part at all.

Tom Green: No, I get, I have a lot of anxiety, so, ’cause you’re sort of keeping my mind occupied right now. I’m actually a little less nervous than I would be.

Captain Brien: So I put you at ease.

Tom Green: When I got to sleep, I’m like, oh my God, yeah, am I going to have a heart attack in my sleep?

Captain Brien: If you need me to cuddle tonight.

Tom Green: Am I going to wake up in the morning?

Captain Brien: If you need me to come over to cuddle.

Tom Green: Yeah.

Captain Brien: To put you to sleep like this, I’m happy to do that.

Tom Green: Yeah, okay. Yeah I know you’ve got some stuff you gotta do, so.

Captain Brien: I want to make sure that you’re comfortable here in Florida.

Tom Green: Yeah, no, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Captain Brien: Six big shows, Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Tom Green: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: How could they find you on Instagram? You’re at Tom Green, right?

Tom Green: Tom Green on Instagram.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tom Green: Tom Green Live on Twitter. And I’m on Facebook. But go to Instagram first because I’m on there the most.

Captain Brien: You’re the most relevant there. You’re posting stuff all of the time.

Tom Green: I like it more. I like it more.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Tom Green: I like the pictures. I read the comments. But I’m on YouTube also, my YouTube channel. So come find me.

Captain Brien: So come out with Tom.

Tom Green: Kevin Brasie is watching.

Captain Brien: Kevin Brasie, yeah, Wakefield.

Tom Green: Oh Brasie, I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: My homie from Wakefield.

Tom Green: The French pronunciation.

Captain Brien: And then Bob, Boston Bob and Brad.

Tom Green: Kevin Brasie.

Captain Brien: All kinds of people watching today, saying hello to Tom Green.

Tom Green: Hey everybody.

Captain Brien: They’re star struck Tom, star struck, like me.

Tom Green: So glad to see you guys. Please come out and see me tonight. And I actually have my album for sale too, at the show, a vinyl record.

Captain Brien: You do have a vinyl record.

Tom Green: Printed on green vinyl. And I have a few copies available.

Captain Brien: I need to get, I’ll trade you a signed vinyl for a signed bottle of Captain Brien’s Vodka.

Tom Green: Oh my God, that’s amazing.

Captain Brien: Is that a good deal?

Tom Green: Yeah, that’s a good deal.

Captain Brien: That’s a barter.

Tom Green: That’s amazing.

Captain Brien: That’s a win for both of us.

Tom Green: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: All right guys, this is The Captain’s Log. This is my friend, Tom Green. It’s been a pleasure, buddy.

Tom Green: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Listen, I always appreciate you coming.

Tom Green: Thank you.

Captain Brien: To the Club.

Tom Green: Thank you.

Captain Brien: One of my favorites. It’s been many years now we’re working together.

Tom Green: Yeah. How many? Like almost 10 years.

Captain Brien: Almost 10 years. And for me, it’s an honor and it’s exciting. You guys are going to get a great show. Off The Hook Comedy Club, Tom Green. This is The Captain’s Log. Thanks for watching guys. Have a good day, be the best. And I’m out.

Tom Green: Peace.

Captain Brien: Later.

Epsiode 264 Say Cheese!

Captain Brien is joined by Doctor Saman Freedman to decide whether or not he should fill the space in his front teeth. Lave us a comment with your recommendation!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Dr. Saman Freedman out and show her some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Good morning, good morning! We’re back on the Captain’s Log with Dr.Saman Freedman. Yes, did I say it right?

Dr. Freedman: You said it right!

Captain Brien: I tried, I tried. Awesome. So, we talked to each other on Instagram, and I told you that I’ve been to three different dentists, and they tell me no. That I shouldn’t fill it. Is there a reason why I shouldn’t fill it, fill the teeth space? Yeah, this one, right here. That one. What do you think?

Dr. Freedman: I think it’s a personal preference.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: It’s called a diastema. And that can be a relapse from braces. You’ve had braces before?

Captain Brien: I did, yes.

Dr. Freedman: If you don’t wear your retainer.

Captain Brien: Can you open that? We can share it to your,

Dr. Freedman: If you don’t wear your retainer,

Captain Brien: fan page.

Dr. Freedman: a lot of times what ends up happening is you get that space back.

Captain Brien: And I got it.

Dr. Freedman: And you got it.

Captain Brien: Correct.

Dr. Freedman: Now that’s a personal preference, some of my patients love the space because they feel like it’s their character. So even if I do cosmetic work on them, like veneers, we maintain that space. And other patients want to close that space, and that’s why they come to me.

Captain Brien: I’ve been looking at it for a long time, and I keep going to different dentists and they say, don’t do it because of that. You say it’s like a personal preference, but I kinda feel like I wanna close it.

Dr. Freedman: I think it would look very nice if you did close it, it’s very easy to, you have different options. You can close it with something permanent, or with something like Invisalign. You know, it all depends on what you wanna do.

Captain Brien: What, what do they do, what would you do to close it?

Dr. Freedman: One way of closing the space is by getting veneers,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: Everybody’s heard of veneers.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Dr. Freedman: They’re very popular. It’s basically like porcelain, that

Captain Brien: But, do you have to pull out my regular teeth?

Dr. Freedman: No, there’s no pulling of your teeth.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Dr. Freedman: We’re not giving you dentures, we’re closing the space.

Captain Brien: Okay, I just wanted to make sure, I don’t want my teeth yanked out.

Dr. Freedman: No no, no yanking. So basically, what we do is we just very minorly, very conservatively, prep the teeth. And by that we just take away .5 millimeters of enamel, so you still have your enamel. And we cement porcelain, on top of your teeth.

Captain Brien: Like caps? Like little

Dr. Freedman: So the difference between a cap,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: which is a crown, and a veneer, is a veneer is very conservative, and it’s just .5 millimeters thick. So it’s translucent, it’s very thin. It just gets cemented on top of your own teeth.

Captain Brien: Like a little shingle?

Dr. Freedman: Exactly.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, like a press on nail almost.

Captain Brien: Okay. On my teeth.

Dr. Freedman: On your teeth.

Captain Brien: And you, will you make these?

Dr. Freedman: We will be sending them to a lab, there’s different ways of doing it. Some offices do it in-house, with a cerec machine. However, that is not the most aesthetic way of doing it, I prefer more of a feldspathic porcelain that’s layered, a layered porcelain that a ceramist does. And that’s all they do, all day long. Sit in a lab, and layer this porcelain, and they’re so good at it.

Captain Brien: Oh, I had a good friend in Boston that did that. Her dad made all of the veneers and all that stuff for like, dentists everywhere in the whole north shore, in a lab.

Dr. Freedman: And that’s their specialty, so they do it all day long. So I leave it up to them. And my lab is excellent. So they’ll be able to really do whatever it is that you want and keep it looking natural.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: So you’ll still have a beautiful smile, you’ll still have a natural smile. The other option is doing something like Invisalign, which is also very popular.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but I have to wear that all the time, right?

Dr. Freedman: Um, yes.

Captain Brien: During the day?

Dr. Freedman: Day and night, 22 hours a day.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Dr. Freedman: they’re clear trays that you’ll be wearing all day long,

Captain Brien: So I have to re,

Dr. Freedman: every day.

Captain Brien: Retrain myself to talk?

Dr. Freedman: Um no, it’s so thin that you don’t even- they’re flexible, they’re comfortable. You wouldn’t even notice they’re there after a day or two.

Captain Brien: And, when I had braces, there was a lot of pain, cause my teeth were moving.

Dr. Freedman: Right.

Captain Brien: Do they do the same thing with the Invisalign?

Dr. Freedman: No, the Invisalign is smaller movements. And, it’s such minor shifting that we’ll be doing with your teeth.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Freedman: If you do choose to close the space, that you will have zero pain. And you can take ’em off when you eat.

Captain Brien: When I eat.

Dr. Freedman: So, it’s easy to keep clean.

Captain Brien: Do I kiss somebody with them?

Dr. Freedman: Um, I would probably take ’em off.

Captain Brien: So I have to say, hold on one minute, let me kiss you, I gotta take- Give me a moment, yeah. I mean yeah, they probably won’t even notice you have ’em in but, I would probably take them off.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Captain Brien: So, the other day I was at a restaurant, right, and I was about to eat, and just before I ate, I looked over, and I was in this restaurant in Tampa, and there was an older gentleman, that was at the bar. And he was very close to me, but he was on the, like, 90 degree angle. He was sitting on the side and I was sitting on the front, and I about, just when my food comes, he somehow popped out his dentures,

Captain Brien: out of his mouth, and was like, pushing them around and cleaning them with his tongue, in his mouth!

Dr. Freedman: Oh, yes. Yes, I’ve seen that

Captain Brien: I literally wanted to gag. I didn’t eat my meal, the lady was like, oh, is everything okay? I’m like, Oh, everything’s great, no problem. And I was so disgusted. I have a weak stomach. It’s the worst.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, no that’s not good, no no. It’ll be slightly different than that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, cause I don’t wanna have to pop them out and then all of a sudden like, I can’t do that.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, no. No, he’s probably storing some meals in there.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Dr. Freedman: No, no

Captain Brien: It was so

Dr. Freedman: You don’t wanna do that.

Captain Brien: nauseating, I was ready to die. And I , I was dy- I was laughing so hard, that I, like wanted to take a picture of it, because it went on for a few seconds. Like, it wasn’t just like he did this little move, and then, he was like, literally like, getting in there with his teeth, with his mouth,

Dr. Freedman: His fingers, his tongue.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it was a whole thing. And I was like, Oh god!

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, I haven’t seen that in a while, but I have seen it. Yep, yep.

Captain Brien: So Doc, where is your practice located here in,

Dr. Freedman: I am in Bayfront so, close to downtown.

Captain Brien: Right. In Naples.

Dr. Freedman: In Naples.

Dr. Freedman: Yep. Close to downtown Naples, in Bayfront.

Captain Brien: And you’ve been practicing in Naples for how long?

Dr. Freedman: I’ve been here for about ten years.

Captain Brien: And where are you from originally?

Dr. Freedman: I’m from Miami.

Captain Brien: Miami.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And why did you relocate to Naples?

Dr. Freedman: Um, I got pregnant with my son, and it just seemed like a slower pace. You know? Safer, slower pace, nice little community.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Dr. Freedman: And I love that.

Captain Brien: Got the Dollars on there right now.

Dr. Freedman: Hi Dr. Dollar.

Captain Brien: See, we have mutual friends. Hey Nikki, Patricia how are you guys?

Dr. Freedman: Hi Nikki.

Captain Brien: Thank you for watching today, this is the Captain’s Log. And, we’re talking about what we’re gonna do with my two front teeth. Are we gonna close them off? Or are we gonna do veneers? And is there any other options?

Dr. Freedman: Um, we can do, well you know, honestly in your case, I think your best bet. You can do composite veneers.

Captain Brien: What’s that.

Dr. Freedman: So that is basically, tooth colored filling composite, and we close the gap with that. But I, the problem with composite veneers, and a lot of people come to me because, they feel like it’s more economical, and they can afford it. So what they end up doing is, wanting them because they’re cheaper.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: The problem with that is, they’re more temporary. So, it’s not a permanent fix, they stain

Captain Brien: So, it’s like,

Dr. Freedman: and they chip.

Captain Brien: If I got ’em bonded, right? Is that,

Dr. Freedman: That’s exactly what that is, is bonding.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: So yo do close the space, but the problem with that is they chip, they stain, and they’re not as, I mean they can be very aesthetic. But they’re just, I prefer the porcelain veneers, ’cause it just looks so natural.

Captain Brien: And I won’t feel, will I feel them, if I did that?

Dr. Freedman:at all.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Freedman: They would feel and function like your teeth.

Captain Brien: And how long would the Invisalign last on me?

Dr. Freedman: The Invisalign, what we would do is we would use a scanner. And it would be, we don’t take impressions anymore, so that’s nice.

Captain Brien: Oh, you don’t?

Dr. Freedman: No more impressions.

Captain Brien: What do you do?

Dr. Freedman: We scan your teeth with a 3D scanner, and that’s sent electronically to the lab, where we put together the treatment plan.

Captain Brien: Do they 3D print my teeth?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Do they?

Dr. Freedman: They do, they absolutely do, yeah.

Captain Brien: I thought they might.

Dr. Freedman: And then you’ll probably be in Invisalign for maybe eight months.

Captain Brien: Eight months.

Dr. Freedman: If that. Maybe six months.

Captain Brien: And then, but after the Invisalign, what do I have to do?

Dr. Freedman: That’s a very good question. So, after the Invisalign, you’re gonna have to retaining

Captain Brien: ’cause I struggle with the retainer thing.

Dr. Freedman: Yes.

Captain Brien: As a kid, I was like, not happening, no way I could sleep with it. I didn’t even want to like, be seen with it.

Dr. Freedman: So what you need to do, is we need to get you a retainer.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: If you’re not gonna wear your retainer, ’cause you haven’t worn it before,

Captain Brien: Chances are it’s not happening.

Dr. Freedman: Chances are it’s not happening. We would do what’s called a fixed retainer, which is a little thin wire on the inside of your teeth,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: and then cement it but bonded on.

Captain Brien: From the inside?

Dr. Freedman: From the inside. Pros and cons, like with everything there’s pros and cons, it’s harder to keep clean. So, you have to be a little more adamant about keeping that-

Captain Brien: I use the OralB, the,

Dr. Freedman: The OralB?

Captain Brien: Is that a good one?

Dr. Freedman: That’s a good one.

Captain Brien: All right.

Dr. Freedman: As long, I prefer nothing with batteries.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Dr. Freedman: So, if you can charge it, it’s better.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no it’s a charge.

Dr. Freedman: ‘Cause it has finer movements, yeah.

Captain Brien: The Sonic.

Captain Brien: So, it’s a charging one, I-

Dr. Freedman:But you have to really spend some time on the inside,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: and keep those areas clean.

Captain Brien: And, that stays forever?

Dr. Freedman: Um, that would have to stay as long as you want your gap to be closed.

Captain Brien: Otherwise it’s just gonna, they’re just gonna run back side to side?

Dr. Freedman: Over time, yeah, yep.

Captain Brien: They’re just gonna run away again?

Dr. Freedman: Yes, yes. What you probably have, is a muscle attachment called a frenum on the inside of your lip.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Dr. Freedman: And what that does, is it pushes the teeth apart.

Captain Brien:, okay.

Dr. Freedman: So, another option would be to do laser there, and remove that muscle attachment, which sounds so much worse than it is.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that sounds-

Dr. Freedman: You don’t even need to be numb for it.

Captain Brien: Really?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Do you do that yourself?

Dr. Freedman: I do.

Captain Brien: In the office?

Dr. Freedman: In the office.

Captain Brien: And what is that treatment called?

Dr. Freedman: It’s just a frenectomy.

Captain Brien: And that’s just for your mouth laser?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, so what that’s for, is the laser’s used to detach that muscle that pushes the teeth apart.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: A lot of times they do that on kids before they start braces. A lot of times-

Captain Brien: My daughter had a spreader, she had a spreader.

Dr. Freedman: An expander.

Captain Brien: Expander thing.

Captain Brien: That was a frickin’ That thing was a challenge.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah. it looks kind of,

Captain Brien: Wow!

Dr. Freedman: It looks kind of um, barbaric.

Captain Brien: Yeah it was like, medieval times man

Dr. Freedman: You have to twist it. Medieval, that’s a good word.

Captain Brien: And I would get in there and crank it, and then she’d be like, I missed yesterday, crank it again! I swear she liked the pain too, she was like, It’s gonna hurt! Do it again! I was like, this I so weird.

Dr. Freedman: That’s interesting, ’cause most kids don’t want me to do it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh not my daughter, no she will run right through a brick wall if it, like if she’s gonna be famous for it, she doesn’t care. She’s like, it again, yes! She’s crazy. So she did the expander?

Dr. Freedman: Yes.

Captain Brien: And that thing was brutal.

Dr. Freedman: So the expander is when you have a narrow arch, and you need to move the arch, so you have enough space for your teeth.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: ‘Cause you have almost too many teeth for your mouth, as a child. Or, your teeth are too big. So, instead of taking teeth out, a lot of times what we do, back in the day, they used to take out teeth.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay.

Dr. Freedman: Um, now, what they do, is they expand the arch, so that you have space for all your teeth.

Captain Brien: And, yeah, she had teeth coming in, and she had teeth that had to be pulled, like pulled out. So, they like, kind of redid the whole thing, right?

Dr. Freedman: Right, it gave her space.

Captain Brien: Yeah. But, why can’t they do a little thing where they pull them together?

Dr. Freedman: They can, it’s called Invisalign.

Captain Brien: Oh! So they use the Invisalign that way?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Is there an option, like to get something on the inside that just pulls them together? Kinda like the retainer? We should create one if not.

Dr. Freedman: So there is a system called the Damon system. And they’re brackets that are placed on the inside.

Captain Brien: Hey Mark, Allie, how you guys doing? We’re saying hi.

Dr. Freedman: Hi!

Captain Brien: Okay, I’m trying to-

– Thanks for watching!

Captain Brien: She’s gonna redo my teeth. I’m gonna get a new grill. Maybe a gold grill.

Dr. Freedman: I was thinking we’d put your daughter’s picture on one tooth, and then maybe your son’s on the other.

Captain Brien: Oh, I like that! Yeah, that’d be cute.

Dr. Freedman: And then they can be like, holding hands.

Captain Brien: That would be very cute. Yes, we’ll link them.

Dr. Freedman: It’s a good look. Yeah, it’s a good look.

Captain Brien: So you said that I have the ability to put something in there, and then they crank it, as well?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, so they’re actually, basically like brackets, like braces,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: But on the inside.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: But, I don’t think it would be very comfortable,

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Freedman: to your tongue. No, can you imagine feeling braces on the inside all the time?

Captain Brien: No, I don’t.

Dr. Freedman: That would be, yeah, no,

Captain Brien: I don’t like that.

Dr. Freedman: With a wire.

Captain Brien: That’s too much.

Dr. Freedman: Yeah, I don’t think that’s good. I think, I think a clear Invisalign

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Freedman: would be a good option.

Captain Brien: But then I have to maintain, that’s what scares me. Is that I’m gonna do that for eight months, and then, I’m gonna be like, Ugh, I don’t wanna do this anymore.

Dr. Freedman: So you kinda have to know yourself.

Captain Brien: Okay. Yeah, I get sick of everything quick.

Dr. Freedman: Yes, If-

Captain Brien: Real quick.

Dr. Freedman: If you’re, you have a fear of commitment.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Dr. Freedman: Then what you need to do. Is something like veneers.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: If you do wanna close the gap.

Captain Brien: And that’s instant,

Dr. Freedman: That’s instant.

Captain Brien: because once you put ’em on? And do you do that, do you go one um,

Dr. Freedman: Two appointments.

Captain Brien: Two appointments? The first appointment you do all the measuring, and all the sizing and fitting?

Dr. Freedman: You do.

Captain Brien: And the second time you put ’em on?

Dr. Freedman: And that day, you leave with temporaries, that are gonna look like your veneers.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay.

Dr. Freedman: So, you’re gonna see what your smile’s gonna look like,

Captain Brien: That’s nice, you have an amazing smile,

Dr. Freedman: and make sure you love it.

Captain Brien: Who did yours?

Dr. Freedman: Thank you. I have, my best friend lives in Melbourne, Florida.

Captain Brien: Okay

Dr. Freedman: And, I went to my best friend from dental school and her husband, and he did my veneers. I have veneers.

Captain Brien: Really? Oh my gosh,

Dr. Freedman: They can look very natural.

Captain Brien: They’re perfect!

Dr. Freedman: Everyone thinks they’re like chiclets, and they can look fake. But you only notice the bad ones.

Captain Brien: That’s true. This is true.

Dr. Freedman: Just like anything else.

Captain Brien: So, do you only do the front two teeth? Or do you do more? To make them look normal?

Dr. Freedman: I would have to do, I would have to measure your teeth, and see the space in your bite,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Freedman: and then we can determine, because you don’t want two really wide teeth.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, yeah. I don’t want these two shingles in front of my face.

Dr. Freedman: We want them- exactly.

Captain Brien: That might not be a good look either.

Dr. Freedman: Right.

Captain Brien: Right?

Dr. Freedman: So we would measure your teeth when you come into the office, and we’d see, what’s the best way of closing that space, and making it look natural.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Freedman: You only notice the bad ones, like anything else.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Dr. Freedman: You don’t notice the ones that look natural.

Captain Brien: Well, Dr.Freedman is in Naples at Bayfront. You’re right at Bayfront there.

Dr. Freedman: I’m right at Bayfront.

Captain Brien: And they can find you on Instagram?

Dr. Freedman: They can.

Captain Brien: How can they find you on Instagram?

Dr. Freedman: They can find me on Instagram, Dr. Saman Freedman, they can find me on Facebook.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Dr. Freedman: They can message me. The office number is 239-238-1176. We have a beautiful office, very calm and serene. And the staff’s great, so.

Captain Brien: So after we do, I still am not convinced on which way I’m going. But, after we do a full like, exam in your office, then we’re gonna do a second show? We’re gonna show everybody?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah. Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Dr. Freedman: Yeah!

Captain Brien: All right, all right. Well, that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to it.

Dr. Freedman: I do see a question that I do wanna address.

Captain Brien: Okay, what’s the question?

Dr. Freedman: It says, do these stain, like with coffee? Coffee, tea,

Captain Brien: I drink coffee every day.

Dr. Freedman: Okay, so you’re fine.

Captain Brien: I’m in trouble.

Dr. Freedman: No, your fine.

Captain Brien: No? I’m good?

Dr. Freedman: That’s the difference between bondings. Composite bondings. And that’s why I prefer the porcelain veneers, because they don’t stain.

Captain Brien: They do not?

Dr. Freedman: They do not stain.

Captain Brien: And those are, do they chip or anything, or no?

Dr. Freedman: They can, like your teeth. You know, your teeth can chip.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Freedman: So they can chip too. And you know, they last a very long time, and if your bite is comfortable, and your bite is where it should be, then you should be fine.

Captain Brien: Okay. Well, you heard it here on the Captain’s Log guys. The Doc’s gonna hook me up with some new tooth. Some toofies. Thanks for watchin’

Dr. Freedman: Thank you for having me.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna be back in a little while as well with round two, the second episode today, the Captain’s Log is coming up. And, we’re gonna discuss my guest Tinder dates, because we did an episode yesterday with Doctor Dollar

Dr. Freedman: ooh!

Captain Brien: about Tinder. Is it good for you health or bad for your health? And we had so many requests, but I have somebody who’s coming on, they’re gonna read us some of their Tinder texts.

Dr. Freedman: Is that the swiping thing?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Freedman: Ah, swipe left or right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Freedman: Which one’s good and which one’s bad?

Captain Brien:  Right, if you swipe right, it’s good,

Dr. Freedman: Right is good.

Captain Brien: swipe left is bad.

Dr. Freedman: Left bad, okay. Got it.

Captain Brien:  And, um, yeah, We’re on.

Dr. Freedman: I’ll be tuning in.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna watch. Be good guys. Thanks for watching!

Dr. Freedman: Take care! Bye bye!

Epsiode 263 To Swipe or Not to Swipe? Online Dating Advice!

Dr. Daller and Captain Brien are back on the #naplescaptainslog tackling the topic of online dating this week! Leave us a comment and tell us your good, bad, or just hilarious online dating stories!

Dr. Daller will be joining Captain Brien EVERY Tuesday at 2:30 on the Captains Log to answer any questions you may have! Make sure you tune in and comment with your questions!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Dr. Daller out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back guys, the Captain’s Log, Doctor Dollar. Dolla, you’re gonna talk to me about online dating. And apparently it’s a whole new world.

Dr. Daller: It’s impressive. Y’know I didn’t know much about online dating, and last week you said hey, let’s talk about it. A lot of people are asking, a lot of people are doing that. A lot of, y’know, Captain Bryan, the number one grossing app in the world is Tinder. Number one gross, Tinder, I mean it’s not Netflix, it’s nothing else, it’s Tinder. That’s the app that generates the most amount of money and y’know when I read it the first time I didn’t believe it. I had to Google it couple of times to make sure. Fact check it, because we don’t, everything we say here is a fact.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Dr. Daller: And that was incredible.

Captain Brien: As a matter of fact it’s a fact.

Dr. Daller: Incredible So Captain Bryan, you remember those days when we used to go in the old days we used to go to the bar and on Friday night you go to the bar and you buy a few drinks and you talk to this girl, and you talk to that girl, and you talk to that girl and at the end of the night if you’re lucky enough, you hope to hook up. And if you’re not, y’know game over until next weekend.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: And today it’s a different.

Captain Brien: Not so much.

Dr. Daller: Not so much.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Daller: And that atmosphere had changed significantly. I mean people are going on different apps, there are hundreds and hundreds of apps. The most common one obviously is Tinder to hook up, but there’s and eharmony and you name it. And Bumble, and,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: You know different one. They have apps for gay and lesbians and the apps for all the people and younger people and you name it, there’s an app for it.

Captain Brien: There’s a flavor for everybody.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely. And today we’ll talk about, y’know all these easy, what we call easy hook-ups, are they making you any happier or not. And, y’know, and I did a lot of reading, I read multiple, multiple articles, mainly by psychologists and psychiatrists

Captain Brien: Yup.

Dr. Daller: And article by different University professors. That are, we are going to talk about, y’know what’s the effect on people when they do that versus the old days when we used to go to the bar.

Captain Brien: Interact.

Dr. Daller: And interact with people. Y’know it’s a different era. But again, at the end of the day, at the end of this podcast I want everybody to understand, Tinder and all of them are here to stay.

Captain Brien: They are not going.

Dr. Daller: Yeah, it’s not going away.

Captain Brien: It’s not going away, it’s just going to increase.

Dr. Daller: It’s the only way.

Captain Brien: It’s the only way.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: Hooking up in a bar is over.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: This is not going to be an issue anymore. By the year 2040, 70% of human beings are going that’s the only way they’re going to hook-up.

Captain Brien: They’re gonna meet online.

Dr. Daller: They are going to meet online. That’s it. That’s going to be the online hook-up by 2014, by 2040. Already today, majority of the people are still hooking up that way but.

Captain Brien: They’re saying that not ’till 2040, in 20 years?

Dr. Daller: Yeah in 20 years.

Captain Brien: That’s wrong.

Dr. Daller: Because if you think about it, a lot of people are still hooking up online, but they are not getting married online.

Captain Brien: Right. So you’re saying by 2040, 70% of the people that are married.

Dr. Daller: Are going to get married that way.

Captain Brien: Have met online? Wow.

Dr. Daller: With different apps. Not necessarily Tinder, even though I know couple of people that met on Tinder and they got married..

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: But this is the exception. They, and eharmony and all this stuff, they are here to stay and they’re going to grow bigger and bigger and bigger.

Captain Brien: Hi Brenda, hi Randy, Vicky, how are you guys? We’re talking about online dating with Doctor Dollar.

Dr. Daller: So, Captain Bryan, you remember in the old days. We used to go to the bar and y’know from time to time. Not you, but myself, I used to get rejected.

Captain Brien: Maybe, yeah, no, I’ve been rejected, I’ve been rejected.

Dr. Daller: I got rejected.

Captain Brien: It happened a couple of times.

Dr. Daller: A couple of times.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: And y’know it hurts.

Captain Brien: It hurts.

Dr. Daller: It hurts. But you know what, it was one girl that rejected me and I’m, you know, I moved on. Next weekend I’m back on my game. Here, when you’re on Tinder, it could be 100 girls that you swipe to the right and none of them answer to you.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: So it’s 100 rejections.

Captain Brien: So how does that feel?

Dr. Daller: It feels awful because y’know, we know from neuroscience, we know that a broken heart, the brain does not know the different between a broken heart and a broken bone. It’s the same mechanism.

Captain Brien: Randy said I’d never get rejected, yes I do, sometimes I do.

Dr. Daller: Captain Bryan is an exception. So he is exception but ask normal people, we get rejected from time to time and we know how it feels. A broken heart and a broken bone is the same mechanism in the brain. The brain does not know the difference.

Captain Brien: Really?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely. It’s the same, exactly the same thing. And y’know when you go on Tinder, and you swipe 100 girls to the right and you know I learned all these tricks about swiping to the right swiping to the left.

Captain Brien: Did you go on and swipe?

Dr. Daller: No.

Captain Brien: You had to test this.

Dr. Daller: I had to test it,

Captain Brien: I’ve tested, I’ve given it a good once over,

Dr. Daller: Of course.

Captain Brien: a couple of times. It’s part of taking one for the team.

Dr. Daller: That’s right.

Dr. Daller: That’s how we take one for the team.

Captain Brien: I have to do this serious research.

Dr. Daller: That’s right.

Captain Brien: I can’t talk out of school in this subject.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely. You have to know, I mean you preach what you practice and you practice what you preach.

Captain Brien: That’s right. That’s right.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely. So again, if you swipe 100 girls to the right.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: And none of them answer, it’s 100 rejections. Also if you go on a date today when you wanna go.

Captain Brien: Let me interrupt you.

Dr. Daller: Yeah, go ahead.

Captain Brien: If you swipe 100 girls and you get no’s every time it’s a rejection. But, it’s not the same as going up to someone’s face and them saying I’m sorry, I’m not interested. Because, depending on the person, they may take that to heart. They may not.

Dr. Daller: I disagree. So, here you know, social media, whether it’s on Facebook or Instagram or on Tinder, it does affect human beings so it affects. I know for a fact that when we post something and we see, we posted about the, you know, anything. A video and we had 15,000 people watch that video it makes me feel good.

Captain Brien: Right, of course.

Dr. Daller: And if we have only 1,500 people watch it I feel like what happened?

Captain Brien: Damn, yeah.

Dr. Daller: Captain Bryan, I mean we have a great topic we had a great, we did homework, it’s great content.

Dr. Daller: How come only 1,500 people watch it?

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: You know I have a video on YouTube about the P show that I do, and half a million people watched it.

Dr. Daller: And I say oh my God, I feel like a rockstar.

Captain Brien: Course.

Dr. Daller: And I have another video about prostate cancer, and only seven people watched it. And I feel like oh my God, I’m a loser.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: So that does affect you as a person, today and you know I’m looking at my kids and other things, you know when kids are bullying other kids if they don’t put a like it’s as if they are bullying them. You know it doesn’t take much to feel like, oh you know I’m rejected. So, that feeling of rejection is awful. And the amount, the number of patients, and you know doing the research for this podcast, I learned different terms like ghosting, you know what ghosting is?

Captain Brien: Ghosting, Yes, of course.

Dr. Daller: I didn’t know what ghosting.

Captain Brien: That’s when you all of the sudden just get left hanging. They respond and then nothing.

Dr. Daller: And you can do that with Tinder.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: But in real life, you know when you met somebody you pick them up from the house, you went to dinner you gave her your cell phone, those, we didn’t ghost anybody.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Daller: What do you mean ghost. I mean you don’t like the person you say hey,

Captain Brien: Yeah but you don’t call them and you walk away.

Dr. Daller: Let’s go for cup of coffee, we are, there’s no chemistry, you understand? So I used to use the word chemistry because I believe in chemistry among human beings and sometimes there’s no chemistry and you move on. But here, just to be left and, because with ghosting, you feel like maybe there’s hope, maybe that person is going to connect with me.

Captain Brien: But I think they ghost, here’s why they ghost.

Dr. Daller: Yes.

Captain Brien: Here’s why. Because online dating is very quick. You get a lotta different hits. You can swipe on 100 different people, right.

Dr. Daller: Yes, yes.

Captain Brien: So there could be 12 people talking to you. So then the girl doesn’t have time, she ghosts them.

Dr. Daller: Yes.

Captain Brien: Y’know? I think that’s what happens.

Dr. Daller: But it hurts, it hurts.

Captain Brien: It hurts.

Dr. Daller:That’s the bottom line. Tat person is wounded,

Captain Brien: That chaps your ass, it really does.

Dr. Daller: It does, it does. And y’know, and again, let’s talk about the fact, Captain Bryan, do you know how many people lie on their content when you write your story on Tinder.

Captain Brien: I bet you it’s 70%.

Dr. Daller: 95.

Captain Brien: 95%!

Dr. Daller: Who lies more, men or women? Let’s see if you know.

Dr. Daller: Who lies more, men or women?

Captain Brien: It’s gotta be women.

Dr. Daller: That’s right. How did you know that? I thought I was sure men lie more.

Captain Brien: Why do the women lie?

Dr. Daller: Women lie about their looks. They put a picture from several years ago.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Dr. Daller: They put a picture when they were skinny, or when they were blonde, or when they were this.

Captain Brien: And you know what, that’s why they ghost, that’s my theory. Half the time they won’t meet because they’re not even in the same damn person!

Dr. Daller: And y’know when you start the relationship on the false premise, that’s a problem. The chances that this is gonna move to the next stage when you already lied about something, y’know it’s a problem. Let’s see if you know what men lie about.

Captain Brien: Their income.

Dr. Daller: That’s right. Men lie about, you could write this article, men lie about their finance, about their finances.

Dr. Daller: They always make themselves making much more money.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Dr. Daller: Or their in a different position, and again, that’s a problem. You can do it with Tinder because you can hook up once, you can lie about you being a hot shot, even though you’re not a hot shot. So again, the premise of lying all the time, that’s not a good start of the relationship.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: When we, y’know, 20 years ago, we didn’t lie. We were ourselves. As a matter of fact if anything we downgraded ourselves. I always made myself, y’know I used to wear my raggedy T-shirt and my jeans and I’m not trying to impress anybody. You like me because I’m funny, you like me because I’m smart. You like me because of my looks, I don’t care what.

Dr. Daller: There’s chemistry, there’s chemistry. There’s no chemistry.

Captain Brien: But you didn’t have on the online dating, you can actually search according to the age and distance.

Dr. Daller: Right.

Captain Brien: So you didn’t have the perimeters where you just could set the distance in the bar.

Dr. Daller: Right.

Captain Brien: Or the age, or the area of how many girls you wanted to meet. You just walked into the bar and who’s in the bar is who you meet. That’s it.

Captain Brien: That’s who you’re stuck with, but not online. Not online. You have a much broader audience.

Dr. Daller: Right, no the audience is remarkable I mean the pool is so deep, I mean we had a very shallow pool with like, in the bar, a couple of girls and y’know, sometimes none. So here it’s, you have millions of people. You know how many swipes on Tinder every day people swipe, how many, how many swipes they get?

Captain Brien: A billion.

Dr. Daller: 1.6 billion.

Captain Brien: More than a billion?

Dr. Daller: 1.6 billion a day, a day!

Captain Brien: These are horny little guys out there.

Dr. Daller: Amazing, How many,

Captain Brien: How many are girls and how many are guys?

Dr. Daller: How many, how many, I’ll ask you the question.

Dr. Daller: How many hook-ups = day occurs on Tinder? For that one I told you already, 1.6 billion swipes, how many hook-ups?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Dr. Daller: 1.5 million.

Captain Brien: 1.5 million connections a day?

Dr. Daller: Correct, connection a day.

Dr. Daller: 1.5 million, a lot!

Captain Brien: That’s good for your business Doc.

Dr. Daller: It’s very good.

Captain Brien: Good for you.

Dr. Daller: Yes it is growing up, y’know because of STD and everything else. Yes it is good for the business because people care about sex and care but, STD does involve with that as well. So that’s a different topic for a different conversation and a different time.

Captain Brien: 1.5.

Dr. Daller: 1.5.

Captain Brien: Is that worldwide or in the U.S.

Dr. Daller: Worldwide.

Captain Brien: Worldwide

Dr. Daller: So 1.6 billion worldwide on Tinder everywhere and y’know first time I learned about Tinder I was on a plane. I was sitting in business class and right next to me was a nice guy and he was telling me about, y’know him getting engaged and all the stuff and showing me the pictures of his fiance and we were flying to a foreign country I won’t say which one. And he asked me about Tinder. I say I heard about it but I don’t know how it works. And he told me that when he leaves the country, he goes on Tinder because in the country, he doesn’t want anybody to know.

Captain Brien: Oh, and then he puts his like.

Dr. Daller: He puts is location.

Captain Brien: His location on where he is.

Dr. Daller: Of where he is over there so he can hook up.

Captain Brien: Not a nice guy. You introduced this conversation by you met a nice guy on the airplane. And next thing you know you turn it on me and you tell me the guy is out there trying to bang every girl in every country.

Dr. Daller: Unbelievable, but at least he doesn’t do it at home.

Captain Brien: Yeah, not in the U.S., that’s good, that’s good. What a nice guy.

Dr. Daller: What a good guy. Very, very nice guy.

Captain Brien: I don’t think Tinder is just for hook-ups though.

Dr. Daller: Good question. So I did some research and I asked bunch of people in the last few days you know about their apps and what’s the purpose of the app.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: So when it comes to, for example,, that’s more relationship. eharmony, more relationship. But most people that are on Tinder that I asked, and this was not hundreds of people, maybe 17 people.

Captain Brien: This is a survey from everybody in the car?

Dr. Daller: That’s a survey from everybody riding with me. And I say, what is the objective, what’s your objective here. And most people told me that Tinder was designed for hook-ups. Now, is it true that some people get married from Tinder? Yes, I know some people that got married from Tinder.

Captain Brien: I know somebody that got married from Tinder, from Bumble,

Dr. Daller: Yes.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I know, it does work.

Dr. Daller: Sure, and again, can it work? Absolutely. But the premise, you have to start with being honest with yourself. Don’t start by lying, that you are a sea of proctor and gamble.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: And at the end, you are nobody. You don’t have a job, that’s, obviously this is going nowhere.

Captain Brien: So, you said that there’s a lot of negative effects. But what about the people who are afraid to meet people face to face, but yet behind their computer or on their phone, they’re much more able to interact with people, and then they can make that connection, that’s good for them, no?

Dr. Daller: No, not really.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay good.

Dr. Daller: You want to promote your own self-esteem? You want to promote your honest? Face to face will promote your own self-esteem. When you are hiding behind something, behind the computer, behind your smartphone, behind anything like that, you are not going to promote your self-esteem. The way you promote, the reason you are doing well is because you have, obviously you are very good with Facebook and Instagram and all this stuff.

Captain Brien: Wait, doing well with that, with that? He says I’m doing well.

Dr. Daller: The next Jeff Bezos is sitting next to me, y’know? You never know. You never know. I mean you are very good. You present yourself. Your disposition is very good Captain Bryan. When it comes to Instagram, when it comes to Facebook, but you have a great disposition in real life. You have a great disposition when you are at the Comedy Club, or when we go somewhere or you’re on radio with Big Mama.

Captain Brien: So you have to follow through onto your online profile.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely. You cannot hide behind the desk all day, and try to swipe to the left, swipe to the right. At the end of the day you’ll have to meet that person.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: You have to charm them.

Captain Brien: That’s why they ghost. That’s why. They get to the point where they get to that, when it’s time to meet, and all of the sudden they don’t do it.

Dr. Daller: I know but even LeBron James go to the court and play basketball. You cannot play video games and pretend like you are LeBron James. That doesn’t work. In real life, you have to do it in real life. You have to actually practice. You are practicing going out, you are doing that stuff. And sometimes you get one rejection, you are not good at something, same with sex and everything else that we do. Not always it’s great and you work on it and you make it better and better and better.

Captain Brien: So, how much research did you do on this topic?

Dr. Daller: A lot.

Captain Brien: You did.

Dr. Daller: I was fascinated, Captain Brien. I was fascinated.

Captain Brien: I told you it was a big topic, I keep getting messages.

Dr. Daller: You know what.

Captain Brien: I have a girl tomorrow on the podcast who actually is doing a lot of online dating, and she wants to talk about some of the stories that she has.

Dr. Daller: I love it.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: So we’re gonna do a double feature tomorrow.

Dr. Daller: What time is that going to happen?

Captain Brien: That’s gonna be at 10 am I believe tomorrow.

Dr. Daller: I am going to try to listen tomorrow to that. That’s going to be amazing. And again, when I did the research, a lot of scammers. A lot of scam artists. People stealing money and stuff like that. Be smart. Common sense. I don’t understand people have no common sense. Why are you giving your real phone number if you are just trying, if you don’t know that person. Why would you give anybody your financial information to begin with.

Captain Brien: They do that?

Dr. Daller: They do that.

Captain Brien: On Tinder.

Dr. Daller: On Tinder. They give their financial. Oh, I want to help you, I’m the Prince from Nigeria. Do I look like a Prince from Nigeria? Look at me. I mean, give me your money. Give me a million, I give you three million in return.

Captain Brien: What a deal.

Dr. Daller: Hey, what a deal, I’m the Prince of Nigeria and I want a million from you, I give you three million in a day. Really, there are no deals like that.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Daller: Be very, very careful.

Captain Brien: What’s the number one thing people wanna know about each other when they’re online dating. The first thing.

Dr. Daller: It depends. On Tinder, it’s looks. Looks is key. And they did research about that, that’s what’s very interesting. So I read an article about this psychologists from the West Coast. And he put a picture, a fake picture on Tinder.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: Of a good-looking girl.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: And then, she wrote it all with spelling mistakes about who she is and everything was like screw that big time.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: And in two days, she got 400 people that ask her for stuff. Swiped and all. And it was a mess. I mean, you look at her, what she wrote, what she liked, she doesn’t like music and she doesn’t like to read and she doesn’t like anything!

Captain Brien: So they tried to make the worst profile they could with a good-looking picture.

Dr. Daller: With a good-looking picture.

Captain Brien: And what about the ugly profile with the great?

Dr. Daller: Right, so when it comes to what girls want and what guys want, it’s completely different. Guys, you know what they want? The good looks. And they want young girl. So young girl, 18 years old, 20 years old.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Dr. Daller: Goes very, very well for guys. And for girls, they look at money.

Captain Brien: They look at money.

Dr. Daller: They look at money.

Dr. Daller: So, people with money do better. Now, it’s not true for all professions. For example, if you are an engineer or if you work for H.R., Human Resource, and you have money, people don’t like you. I don’t know why, but H.R. has a bad connotation.

Captain Brien: Really?

Dr. Daller: It was H.R. probably was against this.

Captain Brien: He’s a bastard he’s in H.R., really?

Dr. Daller: He’s a snitch, they say. He works for H.R. he must be a snitch.

Captain Brien: You can’t be, you can’t put H.R., okay.

Dr. Daller: So, stuff like that, you don’t care. Also for women, I was amazed that men don’t like women with higher level of education. For example, they like women just with undergrad. But women that have a PHD or Doctorate or anything like that, men are more,

Captain Brien: They get a lot of swipe lefts?

Dr. Daller: They get a lot of them because, I don’t want some smart aleck here telling me y’know that she is a, y’know, Albert Einstein. I want somebody that is good-looking with an undergrad, and she’s young.

Captain Brien: Okay, so now the question I guess I have is if you’re, what’s better for your ego, Bumble, where the women pick, or Tinder, where either one can pick.

Dr. Daller: I think, you know, again, from my understanding, Tinder, that either one pick and you know what you have, left and right, and y’know there’s still a chance, do you understand? If you are not, the other thing that I learned that most people are going to shoot higher than what they can. So they,

Captain Brien: They swipe on girls who they think, if they get a chance.

Dr. Daller: They know they have no chance.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no chance.

Dr. Daller: I mean what are you doing?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: I mean you are going for amazing girls that are way out of your league. As a matter of fact, 25% out of your league. So there’s no way, there’s no way.

Captain Brien: So you gotta stay in your league. You gotta stay in your lane.

Dr. Daller: Right, and if you do that, you’re going to hook-up with the right girl, that is going to be a good match for you, and it’s going to all work out. But if you’re going to go way above your league, and then you’re going to be disappointed. And you’re hoping for that one girl who’s going to be wow, he is, she is amazing and he’s mediocre, that will not work.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: Again, this is a fairy tale, it doesn’t work. it works only in Beauty and the Beast.

Captain Brien: That would be like going on Match, they’re not gonna match you together.

Dr. Daller: That’s correct.

Captain Brien: So you gotta stay in the lanes. Alright. So, do you think that the 2040 time frame of 75% of people using online to get married, do you think that that’s gonna be a good thing for us or a bad thing?

Dr. Daller: You know I saw some people ask hey, so what if you’re finding only bad things? I found some good stuff. You know I encourage my patients.

Captain Brien: Hey Mandy how are you, I’m just saying hi to Joe, Joe, Marie, Helen, how are you? Hey guys, Randy, alright they’re all on there watching. Say hi guys.

Dr. Daller: I love it, I love it Hey guys. So you know, what’s the good about posting stuff and Instagram and Facebook. For example Captain Bryan, and if you needed to lose weight, I would encourage you to go on Instagram and write your goals, because that will improve your ability to lose weight.

Captain Brien: The new thing with the models are is they just go on, they Face Tune their body. Did you see the new account that’s calling out all the Instagram models?

Captain Brien: And they show the real picture, and the fake picture all these hot booties you see on Instagram? They’re all fake.

Dr. Daller: Oh really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, all these girls that have millions of followers, they show the,

Dr. Daller: How, in real life.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. They show the real two pictures. It’s called, what the heck’s it called, fake, damn I don’t know you can go on 1055 The Beat. I know that because the story’s on there today. And they have it it’s the Instagram story of the account.

Dr. Daller: But if you want to lose weight and you show everybody you know, these are my goals. I’m going to go and I’m going to post a picture of myself every day, and how I’m losing, then that’s going to motivate you. If you want to quit smoking and you go to tell the entire world why, it’s going to motivate you because if you start smoking again, you are going to feel like a loser.

Captain Brien: Right

Dr. Daller: So do that. Same thing with, you know, be honest with yourself. I do see something good about you know, being honest with your say, stay with your own type of people. When I say own type of people, if you are highly-educated person, stay with highly-educated. And there is an app for that, there’s an app for everything.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: You name it, every pot has a lid, everybody has a cover. You can find the right person, but he honest, be truthful, don’t try to, and again.

Captain Brien: And use pictures that are currently updated and not Photoshopped.

Dr. Daller: And the problem with Tinder, that a lot of people are using it just to get laid, just to hook up. And you know those people because their profile, and again there’s a study about that.

Captain Brien: What did they say?

Dr. Daller: Their profile is very short. The shorter the profile,

Captain Brien: The hornier they are?

Dr. Daller: The hornier they are.

Captain Brien: Son of a gun, I’m going after the wrong ones!

Dr. Daller: They are saying, you know.

Captain Brien: Jesus.

Dr. Daller: I’m honest and attractive and I want to spend time hiking and,

Captain Brien: And no hook-ups, that’s a guarantee that they wanna hook up.

Dr. Daller: Correct, and being honest. You saying I’m honest, it doesn’t cut it. You don’t need to say I’m honest, you don’t see the obvious stuff. I’m very truthful, obviously you’re lying to me. So, the longer, what you write about yourself and the more descriptive it is, the more truthful it looks, and the better the chances for a real match versus just a hook-up.

Captain Brien:What about the hook-up? They like the shorter ones or they’re gonna read the longer ones?

Dr. Daller: Between you and I, if you have a great picture, nobody reads too much, if you have an amazing picture.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they just swipe them right away.

Dr. Daller: So if you write, so it depends on what’s your objective here. If you’re objective is to hook up with a sexy young girl, you know, great picture, and just say I’m making ton of money, that’s good enough. Now, if you want to have a match that is going to be some long-lasting relationship, you have to write about I like to play golf, I like to play tennis, I like to do, because again, or I’m a Republican or I’m a Democrat because at the end of the day it’s very difficult if you’re a Republican to live with a Democrat. If you’re a Democrat to live with a Republican. Does it happen? Yes it does, but at the end of the day if you are crazy Republican or crazy Democrat, it’s going to be very difficult for you to be in a relationship with the opposite.

Captain Brien: What if you post a picture in your bikini, and it’s you’re first picture? I think that’s a winner.

Captain Brien: I think that’s the.

Dr. Daller: For sure, for sure.

Captain Brien: That’s the way to go to get the swipes.

Dr. Daller: For sure, for sure, for sure.

Captain Brien: And that tells the truth.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: I think if you’re good, then it knows. If you’re not good, it tells you right away. Doesn’t have to be a perfect picture.

Dr. Daller: Oh my God. Oh my God. But again, I truly enjoy doing all the research for this, for this program. It was eye-opener.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: Just, you know, to see how many people are doing it. Ten years ago, there was a stigma involved with that.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Dr. Daller: Today, there’s no more stigma.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Daller: Everybody’s on it.

Captain Brien: Everbody’s doing it.

Dr. Daller: Yeah of course, I’m on it, I’m sure that Congress members, members of Congress, and Senators and the President, they’re all on it.

Captain Brien: They’re on a Raya.

Dr. Daller: Oh, there is one for,

Captain Brien: There’s one called a Raya. That’s for celebrities.

Dr. Daller: Oh really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, and that’s where the celebrities and stuff meet. And you have to get approved.

Dr. Daller: You got in. He got, Captain Brien, got it.

Captain Brien: I don’t know about a Raya, I don’t know.

Dr. Daller: And you don’t hook me up with any of that a Raya. What kind of a name is that.

Captain Brien: That’s for the big shots.

Dr. Daller: Really, for the hot shots there?

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s where they are. Well guys listen, we’re gonna be back tomorrow, I know that we have more on this topic, you can send us your messages. I hope that you learned something today. If you didn’t, I hope you enjoyed it and had fun watching anyway, ’cause Doctor Dollar is doing a lot of work for us, getting all the research taken care of, and then we just have a good time talking about it, ’cause I appreciate your time, I appreciate all your knowledge Doc, and every Tuesday you have so many great stuff.

Dr. Daller: Thank you buddy.

Captain Brien: To talk about. Thanks for watching guys, this is the Captain’s Log, and we’ll be back. We’ll see you tomorrow. We’re out.

Dr. Daller: Take care.

Epsiode 262 Show Me Your Naples!

Comedian Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-E rides along with Captain B as they rap some tunes for the #naplescaptainslog

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Eric Schwartz out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Eric Schwartz: ♪ I’m sad ♪ ♪ Drippin’ in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ Need advice ♪ ♪ Hit up TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Ooh the happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Is it true? ♪ ♪ The land of the snowboards ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles ♪ ♪ Into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ ♪ If you don’t have a nice car ♪ ♪ You probably ain’t from Naples ♪ ♪ Where they live up to the name ♪ ♪ Of the knee-high acres ♪ ♪ If don’t root for the Pats ♪ ♪ You’re a straight-up traitor ♪ ♪ Where they release pets to the Everglades ♪ ♪ And they have bunch of chupacabras and skunk apes ♪ ♪ I’m hype with the trip ♪ ♪ But I gotta ask the people ♪ ♪ If I do make the visit ♪ ♪ You gotta show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Where 69 degrees means it’s winter season ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Up in Immokalee they got the orange juice squeezin’ ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Myers is lovely but also kinda foggy ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ They act all boujee ’til they hit the clubs ♪ ♪ But they got a lot of sea shells ♪ ♪ Even more golf courses ♪ ♪ Keeping them exclusive security forces ♪ ♪ Got kicked off the fairway ♪ ♪ Wasn’t fair ♪ ♪ They were like sir ♪ ♪ This is a cemetery ♪ ♪ Oops my bad ♪ ♪ They’re both green lawns ♪ ♪ One’s eighteen holes ♪ ♪ One’s a whole four one ♪ ♪ But now my golf cart’s dead ♪ ♪ Do you have jumper cables? ♪ ♪ And while you’re at it ♪ ♪ Why don’t you show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Misery Nap ♪ ♪ Down the cape in the rock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Got the beaches on fleek ♪ ♪ Grandparents on lock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Giving that shine ♪ ♪ To the two three nine ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me yours ♪ ♪ I’ll show you mine ♪ ♪ Oh you know it’s on ♪ ♪ We got Brian Spina on the Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ Stop drop and laugh ♪ ♪ That’s how we do it in the present ♪ ♪ Never the past ♪ ♪ We goin’ to the future ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ We got y’all tunin’ in ♪ ♪ And how are you doin’ today ♪ ♪ It’s a nice day ♪ ♪ It’s a Thursday ♪ ♪ Oo-Wee hey ♪

Captain Brien: Now that’s a frickin’ intro, dude.

Eric Schwartz: That’s how we do it.

Captain Brien: I need that every time. Welcome to the Captain’s Log, guys. Eric Schwartz is live,

Eric Schwartz: What’s up, dude?

Captain Brien: What’s up, buddy.

Eric Schwartz: Two hands on the wheel.

Captain Brien: Love it. I know, I know, look, I’m gonna turn on auto-drive, so we’re good.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be half-driving auto.

Eric Schwartz: You have a self-driving car already?

Captain Brien: A little bit-

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien: A little bit.

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien:It’ll do halfway.

Eric Schwartz: This is the biggest multitasker on the internet. He’s running a comedy club, he’s going live, he’s taking the comedian to radio, and he’s driving.

Captain Brien: They’re gonna have to pay attention to the road.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and driving a coffee.

Captain Brien: And drink.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and drink. I feel secure in this guy’s hands because I’ve watched him on the Captain’s Log, we were having a conversation on the way up here, and I went like this, I went like this: “Are we on the air right now?”

Captain Brien: It wasn’t live, it wasn’t.

Eric Schwartz: It wasn’t live, so I dropped my f-bombs.

Captain Brien: You keep it smooth though.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So we were just talking about this, you literally haven’t, this is the first appearance-

Eric Schwartz: On the Captain’s Log, yes.

Captain Brien: On the show, and we’ve been working together for, what?

Eric Schwartz: I think I was maybe in your first year you ever did comedy.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so like 14 years we’ve been together.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, when you were in Marco Island. Fourteen years? Has it been fourteen years? Dude, we’re getting old.

Eric Schwartz: What?

Captain Brien: We’re getting old.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s been a while. Hey Kelsey, what’s up? Hey Mary, how’re you guys doing? Thank you for watching. Eric Schwartz is our guest. Tell them how they can find you on Instagram and Facebook, because you post amazing content, you’re a multi-medium.

Eric Schwartz: Multi-comedian.

Captain Brien: Oh, I got it wrong.

Eric Schwartz: No, it’s okay.

Captain Brien: It’s something you made up, ’cause that’s not in the English Dictionary.

Eric Schwartz: No, not yet, not yet.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s coming.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, but multi-media meets comedy, that’s the show that I’m doing at the moment, it’s a really fun show, music, as you just saw, visuals, as you will see in the future, and stand-up comedy. At the base it’s stand-up comedy, and then it bridges off into all these cool fun things. But you can find me on Instagram, @eeericschwartz, with three e’s, e-e-e-r-i-c s-c-h-w-a-r-t-z-

Captain Brien: So fun to watch, guys, always doing something creative, something original. How’d you get into comedy?

Eric Schwartz: I started, actually, on the pool deck with my swim buddies, and I loved SNL, I loved stand-up, and I would recite other peoples’ material to my friends in high school, and they were like, “You’re funny, you should be a comedian,” and I never really took it seriously, I was like “I don’t have any of my own material”, and I started writing stuff down, and when I got to college, I’ve always been like a self-starter, so I would put on my own shows in the dorms, and I did a-

Captain Brien: I always threw my own parties, too,

Eric Schwartz: Did you?

Captain Brien: So maybe that’s why I do the comedy club thing, ’cause I’m still having a party every weekend.

Eric Schwartz: It’s kind of an extension of your high school self.

Captain Brien: It is.

Eric Schwartz: Except now, your parents can come home, you’ll be fine. I saw your parents last night at the club.

Captain Brien: They’re awesome, they’re there every night, they never not laugh.

Eric Schwartz: They’re awesome.

Captain Brien: They love every joke, even if they see it 10 times.

Eric Schwartz: I would come here, honestly, I would come here even if I weren’t performing for your restaurant.

Captain Brien: Thanks, man.

Eric Schwartz: It is so-

Captain Brien: I appreciate that.

Eric Schwartz: Because your mom’s key lime pie?

Captain Brien: The best.

Eric Schwartz: Dude, can I send one of those home?

Captain Brien: You can .

Eric Schwartz: Can I really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: For real? Yeah, we’re good, I’ll send you home with some key lime pie, some vodka, some rum, you’ll be Captain Brian all around.

Eric Schwartz: I talk about it so much, my girlfriend, sorry ladies, my girlfriend-

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s taken, ladies.

Eric Schwartz: I felt-

Captain Brien: Damn! Talk about a buzzkill on the Log, bro.

Eric Schwartz: I’m sorry, dude.

Captain Brien: That’s horrible.

Eric Schwartz: I just- She likes when I talk about her now because it was getting crazy.

Captain Brien: Too much.

Eric Schwartz: It was too much.

Captain Brien: They want the baldness.

Eric Schwartz: Is that what it is?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is, I mean, people do want to touch this, you know? They want this in their lives, and-

Captain Brien: All up in their lives.

Eric Schwartz: But to be honest, you don’t know, as a bald guy, you don’t have a problem-

Captain Brien: I’m getting there, I could be close. I’m trying to save it, though, I’ve been doing all kinds of stuff.

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did the injections, the PRP, where they take the white blood cells out of your blood, and they put it back in.

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m doing it, man.

Eric Schwartz: Wow, stem cells and the like, is that what that is?

Captain Brien: Well, it’s the PRP, it’s the white blood cells, yes, of your blood, which is the healing power, and it’s like magic for everything.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my god!

Captain Brien: We can do everything these days.

Eric Schwartz: Can they put them in your eyes?

Captain Brien: They put them in literally your joints, they put them in your junk, anywhere they put ’em, it helps it.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my, wow!

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Eric Schwartz: These are sealed over, though, there’s no coming back.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s waxed.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is waxed, this is like if you’ve laminated paper, there’s no way you can get it out. But, I mean, people want to touch it all the time, and I know that you feel like it has magical powers or something, it doesn’t, like you’re not gonna feel it and be like “I felt a kick!”

Captain Brien: Nah, it’s not like a baby.

Eric Schwartz: It’s not like a baby.

Captain Brien: It looks so smooth, though!

Eric Schwartz: It does, it does, it looks smooth, it is smooth-

Captain Brien: I wouldn’t look as good-

Eric Schwartz: I just shaved it.

Captain Brien: As you, though, if I shaved, if I went bald, there’s no way I could pull it off, I don’t think, so I’m worried.

Eric Schwartz: You’d be fine! You’d be fine. As long as you don’t have a pug handle-

Captain Brien: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have that. Do they get that from, is that like a muscle, fat, or just inherited?

Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, it’s just-

Captain Brien: I don’t have that.

Eric Schwartz: Sometimes, yeah, people just get like a pug pattern.

Captain Brien: What if they have a couple? Like it’s kind of cute to look at a couple.

Eric Schwartz: It is.

Captain Brien: A couple rolls in the back?

Eric Schwartz: I feel like I wanna take those guys and pick them up by the back of their necks.

Captain Brien: But they’re usually kind of big dudes.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, they are.

Captain Brien: You never see a little dude with a bunch of little-

Eric Schwartz: You really don’t. Like Brad Williams? That’s be cute.

Captain Brien: We love Brad.

Eric Schwartz: Shoutout to Brad.

Captain Brien: Didn’t we do a show with Brad here with you or no?

Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, we used to do a lot of shows together, like in LA, the format is a little different with standup, where you do what’s called showcase style, and it’s like a bunch of people on a show, and we used to do a ton of shows together, and always really funny, and then his first special, I was doing interviews, it was at a comedy festival, and if you look at his first special, I think I’m in the intro interviewing him.

Captain Brien: Oh really?

Eric Schwartz: Like for a second.

Captain Brien: That’s awesome, that’s like your big credit?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, that’s my credit.

Captain Brien: That’s your cred, dog, street cred.

Eric Schwartz: That’s my cred.

Captain Brien: You got another song you wanna play for me?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, let’s do it.

Captain Brien: This guy can sing, he can dance, he can rap, he can give you tech support.

Eric Schwartz: That’s true.

Captain Brien: Right?

Eric Schwartz: I represent for the underrepresented.

Captain Brien: It’s what it is.

Eric Schwartz: I feel that myself, and there’s a lot of hip-hop that I love, but it doesn’t represent everybody, like every song you hear about women is always about women with big butts, which is great-

Captain Brien: I cannot lie.

Eric Schwartz: I can’t lie, right? My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Captain Brien: Hey, Mandy, Jose, what’s happening? So before you start the song, I want to tell you that, one, I think you’re my sister’s and my niece’s favorite comic.

Eric Schwartz: Serious?

Captain Brien: Yeah, my sister, Charlene, and my niece Ariana, they were texting me this morning, “Oh my god, Eric’s in town! “That’s so great! “When is he coming back?”, they told me-

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien: Your number one fans,

Eric Schwartz: Okay.

Captain Brien: No, before I bought you in.

Captain Brien: Number one fans, they actually fanboy on you, and they made me bring you back.

Eric Schwartz: Nice!

Captain Brien: Not that I wasn’t gonna, but they were begging, like, “When is he coming back? “We have to have him.” They love the songs, so hit me with a beat.

Eric Schwartz: Okay, so this one is for all the girls that don’t have the big butts, okay? You’re a flat booty girl in a fat booty world, this one is for you. ♪ Flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ ♪ She’s a flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ I learned this dance right here from 2 Chainz, you know 2 Chainz?

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s how it is?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah. ♪ No tushy ♪ ♪ No booty ♪ ♪ No buttocks ♪ ♪ No bottom ♪ ♪ Flat like an iPad ♪ ♪ Apple bottom ♪ ♪ Don’t get me wrong ♪ ♪ I love ’em big and round ♪ ♪ But when she droppin’ low ♪ ♪ She got the same curves as the ground ♪ ♪ Sometimes I get tired ♪ ♪ That girl sat on my jacket ♪ ♪ It came out ironed ♪ ♪ She save a lot of space ♪ ♪ Without the big ol’ booty ♪ ♪ Her butt fits in a cup holder at the movies ♪ ♪ She got a shinin’ like a tiny diamond ♪ ♪ Took as long to find it ♪ ♪ As it took to find Bin Laden ♪ ♪ She got me reaching for the bee sting ♪ ♪ Makin’ g-strings out of tea string ♪ ♪ She makin’ skinny jeans baggy ♪ ♪ Lady where that ass be ♪ ♪ Makin’ Paris Hilton ♪ ♪ Look like Kim Kardashi ♪ ♪ And when she bent over for a spanking ♪ ♪ I thought she was blanking ♪ ♪ ‘Cause she’s a flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Jew Chainz ♪ That’s me, Jew Chainz, all right.

Captain Brien: That’s a good jam.

Eric Schwartz: Thanks, it’s for everybody. ♪ I’m talkin’ white girls ♪ ♪ Black girls ♪ ♪ Especially my Asians ♪ ♪ Bring that flat booty to ♪

Captain Brien: I like this.

Eric Schwartz: ♪ This caucasian ♪ ♪ Latin girls with no curves ♪ ♪ Mommy let me see your ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damilas tortillas ♪ ♪ Middle Eastern girls ♪ ♪ If your figure ain’t the fullest ♪ ♪ Bring me the pita ♪ ♪ I got the hummus ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ We’re making it flatter ♪ ♪ You got the pancakes ♪ ♪ I got the batter ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ That’s for all y’all.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

Eric Schwartz: Out there.

Captain Brien: Any booty’s a good booty.

Eric Schwartz: Any booty’s a good booty.

Captain Brien: I don’t have to hate on a booty if it’s not big. I’m not a big booty guy.

Eric Schwartz: You’re not?

Captain Brien: No, no.

Eric Schwartz: Too much butt?

Captain Brien: Too much butt is too much for me.

Eric Schwartz: Too much for you, I like all kinds of booty. If you have a big butt, don’t think that I don’t like you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean I like big butts, and I cannot lie.

Eric Schwartz: Don’t lie.

Captain Brien: A small butt’s still good, like I’m not gonna hate on a little booty.

Eric Schwartz: It’s what’s inside the butt- oh no, that doesn’t really make sense.

Captain Brien: No, it’s not .

Eric Schwartz: Not really.

Captain Brien: April, what’s what’s goin’ on? Mandy, thank you for watching. Smooth E, AKA Eric Schwartz, Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend, he’s on the Captain’s Log right now, guys, let us know where you’re watching from, your favorite comedian-rapper ever, I know. So do you write these lyrics all the time?

Captain Brien: What do you do?

Eric Schwartz: Yes, so, like, for example, the Naples song that I did-

Captain Brien: You were like “Yo, B, “I’m gonna write a-” I don’t know if you really said “Yo, B-”

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, I did.

Captain Brien: You did? I tried to make that sound cool.

Eric Schwartz: When you said it-

Captain Brien: You were like, “Hey, I wanna write a song about Naples “and what should I say?”, and I gave you a couple hints, and then you, dude, you blew it up, you ran with it. You showed everyone your Naples.

Eric Schwartz: I just showed my Naples. I just showed my Naples. So I research it, like I ask people who live in the city, I’ve done probably about a dozen of these songs about places-

Captain Brien: It’s a great date, too.

Eric Schwartz: Thank you.

Captain Brien: I’m one to promote, but then everyone wants to get behind it, because you’re talking about their town!

Eric Schwartz: That’s what I want,

Captain Brien: Genius!

Eric Schwartz: Thank you, I wanna show love for the places that I’m performing, and, you know, ingratiate myself into your graces, and I really do hope that you like it and I can represent it, and I wanna get those things that only people that live there would know, you know? That’s why I do research on the internet, but then I also ask people that live there what is the gist of the town, you know?

Captain Brien: I got people watching right now from Palm Springs, Cali-

Eric Schwartz: Wow, I live near there.

Captain Brien: Homer, New York, right? Mandy’s watching, let’s see-

Eric Schwartz: San Diego, cool!

Captain Brien: Aaron’s in San Diego. And yeah, guys, what’s happening, thanks for watching, we’re in Naples, Florida. This ain’t a bad place to live though, huh?

Eric Schwartz: No, it’s great, I love it. I was in San Diego, I was just in San Diego, I flew to visit my mom and my stepfather in Mexico-

Captain Brien: What part of Mexico?

Eric Schwartz: They live in a city called San Miguel De Allende.

Captain Brien: I was gonna say that,

Eric Schwartz: You were gonna say that?

Captain Brien: That was my first guess.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, after Cancun? But it’s in the middle of the country in a state called Guanajuato.

Captain Brien: Oh, wow. Do they have good tapatio?

Eric Schwartz: Oh man, they got better than tapatio, they’ve got- the salsa there, I didn’t care what my stomach said, I just kept eating the salsa.

Captain Brien: Really?

Eric Schwartz: It was delicious, yeah.

Captain Brien: The tomatoes, they’re raised in Immokalee, right here in Immokalee, Florida, I wonder if they’re shipped to Mexico to make all those beautiful salsas.

Eric Schwartz: I think they might have tomatoes down there.

Captain Brien: They got their own tomatoes.

Eric Schwartz: They might have their own tomatoes down there.

Captain Brien: That’s probably the only other place that literally competes with Immokalee. You know that most of the tomatoes in the whole world come from there?

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: As well as oranges.

Eric Schwartz: Like romas?

Captain Brien: No, we do, I forget which ones we grow, exactly, but you guys can tell us, maybe, which ones we grow here in Immokalee, but we grow juicing oranges, and as the smog covers the road , I don’t know what just happened.

Eric Schwartz: There’s a truck that’s vaping.

Captain Brien: Like vaping on fire, obviously. But we grow juicing oranges, and we grow tomatoes.

Eric Schwartz: Cool.

Captain Brien: Like, for the whole world.

Eric Schwartz: I feel like I want Immokalee to grow broccoli, just for the rhyme. That’s the rhyme nerd in me.

Captain Brien: That would be great, yeah. That would be great, it really would.

Eric Schwartz: So I speak Spanish, and when I went down there, it was like I thought I spoke Spanish-

Captain Brien: Did you grow up speaking Spanish in your house?

Eric Schwartz: A little bit, but you know, just basic stuff, but I studied it in school, and then I learned the cultural stuff from my stepdad, and now I have this series called “Cultura”-

Captain Brien: Right, which is awesome.

Eric Schwartz: Aw, thanks, man.

Captain Brien: And dude, so I was just thinking you were just really smart and a really good actor, but now it’s like in the family. I can’t give you all the props but that is so funny when you do the mariachi and stuff.

Eric Schwartz: Oh, you saw the mariachi?

Captain Brien: Yeah, dude, great!

Eric Schwartz: So I have this video where I sing mariachi in a Mexican restaurant karaoke night, and I do this really tongue-twistery song, I’ll do a little sample of it, it’s called “El aventurero”:

Captain Brien: When you went off in the restaurant with that song, people were like “This dude really knows it?”

Eric Schwartz: They were like “What?” So the first time I heard that song was where my mom lives, in San Miguel de Allende-

Captain Brien: And how did you learn that song?

Eric Schwartz: I heard it, I’m like “That sounds really hard. “That sounds hard to sing. “I’m gonna learn it.” And I just-

Captain Brien: That is the nerd in you.

Eric Schwartz: Repetition, repetition, when I’m driving around, I’ll be playing songs in my car, and I try to do it, so here’s my method, I have one, I call it “training wheels”, okay, where it’s like the song with the lyrics on it, like for example, I’ll do it for you right now.

Captain Brien: Okay, let’s go.

Eric Schwartz: Here’s “Show Me Your Naples” here’s my training wheels song, ready?

Captain Brien: Here we go, we’re bringing it home.

Eric Schwartz:♪ Dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice, hit up TripAdvisor ♪ See, it has the words on it, training wheels. ♪ Happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ And then eventually, I’m like this: ♪ I’m sad, dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice ♪ Instrumental! ♪ TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida, is it true ♪

Captain Brien: When the beat drops.

Eric Schwartz:♪ The land of the surfers ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Oh those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ Et cetera.

Captain Brien: Dude, it’s just so dope! If I could rap or sing or play an instrument, I would just go around rapping everywhere. I would just be like “Ah, there’s Captain B, he’s rapping again.”

Eric Schwartz: I’m not using my powers like I should.

Captain Brien: You should, you should.

Eric Schwartz: ♪ From now on, it’s on. ♪ ♪ It’s like a sauna ♪ ♪ And I’m just gonna ♪ ♪ Rap every word I can ♪ ♪ Everywhere I slam ♪ ♪ Everywhere I am ♪ ♪ Bam ♪

Captain Brien: I would just be like spittin’ lyrics everywhere, dude. It would be off.

Eric Schwartz: It would be off.

Captain Brien: Then it wouldn’t be fair to the other dudes-

Eric Schwartz: It really wouldn’t.

Captain Brien: It’d be like, “Aw, Captain B’s rapping again”.

Eric Schwartz: “Why is the Captain rappin’?”

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, you know. ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪

Captain Brien: All right, guys, we’re gonna wrap this up, speaking of rapping.

Eric Schwartz: All right.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on B1039, Big Momma and the Wild Bunch-

Eric Schwartz: Oh, all up in my own-

Captain Brien: Getting us on right now, You forgot he was in town this weekend, Lindsey, hello, don’t you dare forget about Smooth E, nobody forgets Smooth E.

Eric Schwartz: Nobody forgets, Lindsey.

Captain Brien: God.

Eric Schwartz: Monastery.

Captain Brien: The baldness is just life-changing.

Eric Schwartz: I tried to an impression of Big Mama, and it really hurt my voice.

Captain Brien: Did it?

Eric Schwartz: I went like this: “Hey, it’s Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.” Right?

Captain Brien: And then you had to wet your whistle?

Eric Schwartz: And I was like “Aw man, I can’t hack that.”

Captain Brien: Hey guys, this is the Captain’s Log, we are gonna go live right now on B1039, we just left 1055 The Beat, and I’m happy to have our comedian Eric Schwartz performing live all weekend, Off the Hook Comedy Club, get your tickets at, but more importantly, my buddy now, I appreciate being a friend of yours-

Eric Schwartz: Dude, likewise.

Captain Brien: It’s been a long time now, and I thank you for always being there.

Eric Schwartz: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Keep the funny going, man.

Eric Schwartz: I love the show, thanks for having me on.

Captain Brien: We’re in, we’re out, we’re done.

Epsiode 261 Power Up Those Brain Waves!

Dr. Daller is back on the #naplescaptainslog dropping that knowledge on how to power up your brain waves and what you can be doing to prevent Alzheimer’s!

Dr. Daller will be joining Captain Brien EVERY Tuesday at 2:30 on the Captains Log to answer any questions you may have! Make sure you tune in and comment with your questions!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Dr. Daller out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Dr.Dollar’s back with me today on the Captain’s Log we are going to train our brain. Let’s eat a healthy lifestyle, it’s gonna affect all of our brain waves and make it better, yes?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Did I even get that right or did I even say it right?

Dr. Daller: I’m not sure what you said–

Captain Brien: I’ve gotta get my own brain right.

Dr. Daller: And we’ll talk about that. What can you do to improve, you know Captain Brian, dementia, cognitive disfunction, Alzheimer’s disease. Everybody know somebody in their family that has that issue

Captain Brien: Yes.

Dr. Daller: And our goal is what can we do to delay that, what can we do to prevent that, the same as we talked the other day about diabetes. What can we do about prevention of Alzheimer’s. We know that there is no pill in the world, there’s no Aricept. When everybody’s talking about Aricept Aricept really doesn’t work. As a matter of fact, in my opinion and the research that I read about Aricept.

Captain Brien: But what about kingdogloben right, kingo?

Dr. Daller: Ginkgo biloba

Captain Brien: Yeah ginkgo biloba, see?

Dr. Daller: So again, let’s put a disclaimer in the front. There is not a single supplement, a single supplement by itself that will improve your cognition. Your ability to help that memory and everything else. And today we’ll talk about how simply, without spending much money doing it all at Whole Foods, Publix, Fresh Market or wherever you go shopping at the local stores. What can you eat? What king of exercise can you do? What kind of sleep do you, how much sleep do you need? What kind of social support? What kind of games and exercises and other things for your brain to improve that that you are not going to end up one of these people that are going to have Alzheimer’s or dementia. So again Captain Brian, Alzheimer’s by the year 2050 is going to be an epidemic in the Western world a significant amount of people have Alzheimer’s, Dementia, even early cognitive dysfunction. That you start forgetting names of people, you start forgetting where you put your keys, you start forgetting certain words. That you’re saying, “What is that, how do you say that” and you forget that and all this stuff has to do–

Captain Brien: It starts with dementia.

Dr. Daller: It starts with cognition, it starts with simple memory of simple words that you start forgetting. And later on it will develop to dementia and you can develop even Alzheimer’s. So you know we learned, when I was in medical school we said you know your brain stopped developing when you were 18 and after that your brain start deteriorating. And by the time your 85 your brain is like shriveled and there’s nothing there. And we learned that that’s wrong. That’s absolutely not true. Your brain does not stop growing. Your brain as a matter of fact when you exercise–

Captain Brien: It’s a muscle, correct?

Dr. Daller: No your brain as a matter of fact if you take your entire brain, 99% of your brain is made out of fat.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Daller: It’s all fat. So we’re going to talk today in this podcast how much fat, how fat is important. And we’re going to talk about cholesterol and good fat, omega 3 and all this stuff how important they are for our diet. And again we’re going to go back to sugar, how sugar, refined sugar specifically is really bad for you. So again, going back to exercise, and going back to the fact that your brain is growing, there is a part in your brain, two parts like this. It’s called hippocampus. Hippocampus from the Greek word “Hippos” meaning horse, and “Kampos” meaning–

Captain Brien: Yes

Dr. Daller: so hippocampus, so it looks like a sea horse in your brain you have two parts, right here. These are the temporal lobe, behind the temporal lobe–

Captain Brien: Is that the part that makes you horny too?

Dr. Daller: No, that’s not the part that makes you horny.

Captain Brien: What part is that?

Dr. Daller: I’ll talk that’s a different podcast Captain Brian I mean put a suspense for the audience.

Captain Brien: Okay okay.

Dr. Daller: That’s a different part.

Captain Brien: We’ll get back to the horny brain later.

Dr. Daller: Yes, hippocampus makes you remember when you are horny. So it has to do a lot with memory. So the hippocampus, we know that if you exercise and they did study on that, several studies on that when people exercise, improved blood flow to the hippocampus the hippocampus does grow in size.

Captain Brien: And this is from traditional exercising?

Dr. Daller: So, very good question. What kind of exercise? You need to break a sweat, you need your heart rate to go up. So you cannot go and lift weights. I lift weights but its not enough. You need to do high intensity. If you do lifting weight, your heart rate has to be high

Captain Brien: What’s my heart rate have to get to?

Dr. Daller: Good question, so you take 180 minus your age. And you’re about 25? How old are you now? 22?

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Dr. Daller: So 180 minus your age, that’s your heart rate that you have to keep for at least 30 minutes.

Captain Brien: Really?

Dr. Daller: Yes, minimum of 30 minutes. You have to keep that heart rate. So you know, 120, 130, 140 in that rage for you to break a good sweat to start–

Captain Brien: And keep it there for 30 minutes?

Dr. Daller: And keep it there for 30 minutes. And people do that. I’ve done it for an hour. I kept my heart rate at that level for one hour. I’ve kept it at 150 as a matter of fact for one hour. Because I’m younger than you are.

Captain Brien: That’s right .

Dr. Daller: That’s right.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

Dr. Daller: So again we talked about exercises, and again a lot of people, this is, the key Captain Brian that this is a preventable disease like diabetes, type 2 diabetes is a preventable disease

Captain Brien: It’s 100% preventable?

Dr. Daller: Well I wouldn’t say 100%. You know it’s like playing poker. You got some cards, you got some genes. So some people get the genes for Alzheimer’s There’s a certain gene, on certain alele in your chromosomes that has to do with Alzheimer’s. But having that gene it’s not a death sentence. It doesn’t mean you develop Alzheimer’s. You can alter those genes. You can improve things, you can, you know, your body is like a very expensive European car. And what you put in it, if you put 87 octane verses 97 octane it will run differently. So you cannot, there are two ways. One, to take 97 octane. Number two, is not to do bad things to that body. Not to destroy it. So not only to do the right thing, also to avoid the bad things. And that’s Segway here to–

Captain Brien: So physical activity,

Dr. Daller: Physical activity number one.

Captain Brien: The food we eat. Give me a couple of foods I’m gonna ask you one question real quick.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Give me some foods that I need to eat

Dr. Daller: Blueberries.

Captain Brien: Blueberries are great. They’re good for everything.

Dr. Daller: They are good for everything. Again, people ask me, “How do you know what’s good for you?” when you go to the supermarket. Whatever supermarket you pick, open your eyes and say what you are attracted to, what color you are attracted to The more colorful the fruits are the more colorful the vegetables are the better off you are. So they’re the same as when you go to the supermarket and you buy fish and you look “Wow, this salmon looks good,” or “this tuna looks good.” Because you look at the color, you look at the shape. You look at everything, the same with fruit. You smell it, you say “wow, this tomato smells good, color is good, I’m going to buy that.” Tomato has lycopene it’s very good for you. Blueberries has a lot of antioxidants, it’s very good. I’ll give you another example, anything with omega 3. Fish is very good for you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, fish.

Dr. Daller: What kind of fish?

Captain Brien: Salmon, right?

Dr. Daller: Salmon, nothing better than salmon. You know great, you know line caught salmon is fantastic for you.

Captain Brien: Let me ask you a question. So what about reading? Keeping your mind sharp. Does that have any affect on it?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: It does.

Dr. Daller: So doing brain exercises are very, very important. So what I recommend for my patients, I recommend to pick up something new. So we all can read. Reading doesn’t cut it enough.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: So reading keep you sharp in reading realm but doing something new for example if Captain Brian says “My cognition is not as good,” start playing the piano because if you don’t know how to play the piano. Now you are going to pick up something new.

Captain Brien: You have to learn.

Dr. Daller: You have to learn. So reading, you already know how to read. It’s much much easier, something new. Or for example, drawing or any new sport. I mean if you don’t know how to play soccer go play some soccer, or do anything–

Captain Brien: What’s better, the physical activity or the the brain growth

Dr. Daller: Great question so there’s no one thing that is better than the other. I believe in you have to do the package deal. You have to do everything. So you cannot be a mediocre and say, “Well I want to do the minimum, “I just want to do a little bit.”

Captain Brien: So you can’t eat crapy and then work out and think this is gonna work.

Dr. Daller: It will never work. You have to do all of the above.

Captain Brien: Because I’m prone to it I believe because my grandmother had it for 13 years.

Dr. Daller: Sure.

Captain Brien: So, it was terrible in my family

Dr. Daller: Of course.

Captain Brien: Because we actually took care of her for all those years. My parents basically dedicated their whole 13 years of their life during that time.

Dr. Daller: Impressive.

Captain Brien: And took care of her everyday.

Dr. Daller: Impressive.

Captain Brien: So I know, the negative affects. And to prevent it, that’s important.

Dr. Daller: So again, let’s rehash here. So exercise is extremely important. Keeping your heart rate high, you know. 3 times a week is the minimum, minimum, minimum that you should do. four times a week is even better. I do an hour, you can do half an hour and that’s going to be good enough. The next thing you do is diet, what to diet. So, we talked about berries, we talked about fish with omega 3, high omega 3 fish and we talked about, we didn’t talk about but we are going to mention walnuts and all those nuts. So variety of nuts, specifically walnuts. And number four is coffee. We talked about it in this podcast many times. Coffee is very good for you. It’s an antioxidant. Study after study show when you look at kids and when you look at adults, they drink coffee. If I give you a cup of coffee and make you take a test. And I don’t give you the cup of coffee, you’re going to do better when you drink that cup of coffee.

Captain Brien: Really, because you’re sharper?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, you’re sharper. So it’s coffee. Don’t let any doctor tell you that coffee is bad for you. That’s an old school medicine. You have to find yourself a new doctor that is progressive, that is up to par, that understand it. You know what.

Captain Brien: Is it coffee or is it caffeine?

Dr. Daller: No it’s not just the caffeine. There’s other things in coffee, caffeine is one of them but in tea, you have thiamine, you have other things in tea as well that is very good for you. So as an antioxidant overall but again, you drink coffee, drink good coffee. Don’t go and buy, if you buy a bucket that costs a $1.50 at Publix that’s not good coffee.

Captain Brien: You’re right, not chock-full.

Dr. Daller: Right.

Captain Brien: You can’t have the chock-full of coffee.

Dr. Daller: You cannot have that. And you cannot, decaf doesn’t work. So decaf there’s chemicals in decaf. Really, you’re better off drinking water any day than decaf.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Daller: So again, coffee is extremely important. Then vegetables. When you go to the super market, green leafy vegetables fantastic for you. Fruits, different type of fruits, fantastic for you. Don’t let anybody tell you that there’s too much sugar in fruits. Again this is old school. I’m not saying you should eat 10 bananas. But having berries, having blueberries, raspberries–

Captain Brien: Is one banana okay a day?

Dr. Daller: Half banana is better for you.

Captain Brien: Half?

Dr. Daller: You really don’t… Half a banana.

Captain Brien: Not a whole banana.

Dr. Daller: Not a whole banana for you.

Captain Brien: Damn, you cut me down.

Dr. Daller: A small banana, the mini bananas. They’re more expensive but yeah

Captain Brien: They’re good for you, all right. Now I take cholesterol medicine. And I heard that’s really bad because that does what?

Dr. Daller: Right, so I don’t like you know, I’m the doctor that is against medicine. You know, I’m the outsider so I don’t like–

Captain Brien: But it’s inherited, my cholesterol as a kid was 400.

Dr. Daller: And I get it, some people need it but overall cholesterol is not a bad thing. Cholesterol is the firefighter that comes to the rescue. So cholesterol wins, people when we do surgery on people that had car accidents or heart attack and we look at the heart and we say where there’s a plaque there’s cholesterol there, there’s the position of things there. You know, cholesterol came to the rescue. So it’s, you know somebody said before that. It’s cholesterol is like, there’s a fire and you’re blaming the firefighter.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: You know what I’m saying? You don’t blame the firefighter, the cholesterol is the firefighter. So, again cholesterol is the central, cholesterol is the backbone of the testosterone. Cholesterol is the backbone of estrogen. Cholesterol is the backbone of vitamin D. It is extremely, extremely important. And the problem is and we saw that you know on this anti-cholesterol medication that if you look at the label, it will say, “It will impair your cognition.” If you read the label carefully it will say it and why is that, because it also block the cholesterol entering into your brain. And we need that we talked about it the brain is, majority of the brain is fat.

Captain Brien: But I take it CoQ10, does that help? That’s a, is that a myth or what?

Dr. Daller: It is, there’s no–

Captain Brien: And then the fish oil.

Dr. Daller: Fish oil is important. So omega 3, fish oil are important but again the best source of fish oil is salmon.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: I mean you really don’t need to take pills. You know a lot of people take vitamin E as an anti-inflammatory medication. I don’t think you should take vitamin E. You can take all the anti-inflammatory from your fuel, from the food you are getting. So taking supplements instead of getting, if you are healthy and I know you Brian you eat very healthy. You eat very clean. You are not a guy that eats processed food.

Captain Brien: I try.

Dr. Daller: You try, you do your best and from time to time you have a cheat day but that’s okay majority of the time you really take very good care of yourself.

Captain Brien: Yeah,

Dr. Daller: And again, I know you don’t eat leftovers And everybody knows that, it was like a slogan for Captain Brian, “He doesn’t eat leftovers.” And you know that idea about leftovers it has to be more processed food with leftovers for it to stay good for the next day.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: So by definition you shouldn’t be eating leftovers. That’s fantastic that you don’t eat leftovers. So again we talked about exercise, we talked about food. We talked about, next we’re going to talk about sleep. So what happens when you sleep? Just think about your brain as your iPhone. When your iPhone is acting up, what do they tell you when you go to the apple store? They tell you shut if off completely. Reset it, 3 minutes. Reset it and its all of a sudden it’s working again. Your brain needs a little bit more than 3 minutes as that needs a rest. There is something called beta-amyloid. Beta-amyloid are the position in the brain of people who have Alzheimer’s and we need a mechanism to clear that. And sleep is the time that we are cleaning the house so that’s very important. So again, sleep is important. How much sleep somebody should have? Seven hours is probably ideal. Do I get seven hours every night? Absolutely no, unfortunately I don’t. I wake up very early. My brain is set up differently but ideally seven to eight hours.

Captain Brien: What happens when you wake up automatically?

Dr. Daller: I do, wake up automatically.

Captain Brien: Does that mean you’ve had enough sleep for your brain or not?

Dr. Daller: It depends on your stress level. If you wake up automatically because well, I need to go, I need to do stuff and your brain does not have time to, you know about how much your brain has to do the time that you sleep help you with memory. So it solidify things in your brain. You know when I was in medical school I used to take a quick nap, a 20 minutes nap in the library to remember things because all of a sudden all the stuff that I read solidified in my brain. And we know that people they read a book just before they go to bed and that time they remember all the stuff the next day

Captain Brien: Yup, yup, isn’t that also a technique they use when they either torture people they don’t let them sleep.

Dr. Daller: That’s right, that’s right. You always say I like where it’s going. I like where it’s going.

Captain Brien: Right so if they’re trying to get some information out of you, the police interrogation they just wear you down 24 hours.

Dr. Daller: Right, they keep you on and they put bad music

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: Bad music.

Captain Brien: They get you going.

Dr. Daller: They get you going.

Captain Brien: So for the Alzheimer’s right now, how do they actually diagnose it?

Dr. Daller: Very good question, so we do a test. So we have different type of forms we ask the patient to do a test. We show them some pictures of different people and we say you know, “This guy’s name is Brian Spina, this guy is Mayor Dollar, this guy is this,” we’ll show them 10 cards and we’ll let them look at them and then we say, we show them a picture of Brian Spina we’ll say “Who is this guy?” And if they say Mayor Dollar, we have a problem here. Or if they say “I don’t remember,” we have a problem.

Captain Brien: What if they had ADD like me and they can’t remember shit in the first place?

Dr. Daller: But a lot of people have difficulty with that

Captain Brien: Yeah

Dr. Daller: But you have to remember some of the names because you cannot tell me you didn’t remember 10 of the pictures, none of them you remember because when we look at somebody we say “Okay, Brian Spina has a mole,” by the way Brian Spina does not have a mole for those who are listening.

Captain Brien: Maybe on my butt.

Dr. Daller: So we look at that mole and we say “Spina has a mole.” We have some pneumonic, we have connection, we put it together. We say Spina is the guy with those sunglasses and we look at those sunglasses, say “That’s Brian Spina.” So we have ways to recognize when you look at I don’t know Ringo Starr for example You look at Ringo Starr, you say “I know this guy, this guy is Ringo Starr,” How do you know if Elton John? I know he has this earring and this clothes, and he has this sunglasses, this is Elton John. That’s how we remember, that’s why a lot of people today have problem with memory because we rely on Google. Let’s say Brian is going to ask me a question, I google it. I think that it’s in my brain, it’s not in my brain.

Captain Brien: Herum says he’s 54 and he’s forgetting a lot right now, what can he do?

Dr. Daller: Yeah, so I would start with diet, so that’s very important what we talked about. Start eating healthy, go to the super market buy plenty of vegetables, plenty of fruit. Red meat only once a week. If you have red meat, healthy red meat, organic food. All the stuff we talked about in this show, then have some walnuts, drink a cup of coffee or two a day.

Captain Brien: Just walnuts or almonds, cashews, anything?

Dr. Daller: Walnuts are the best.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they have the most oil, right?

Dr. Daller: Correct, they’re more oily. But Peanuts are the worst in that category.

Captain Brien: Peanuts are terrible for you, aren’t they?

Dr. Daller: Correct.

Captain Brien: Is peanut good for anything?

Dr. Daller: I don’t know. It’s better so you know I always look at the alternative. If you’re having peanuts verses I don’t know cheetos,

Captain Brien: Chips?

Dr. Daller: So peanuts beat Cheetos. But it’s not overall its not great.

Captain Brien: It’s the worst lagoon.

Dr. Daller: Correct, it’s the worst lagoon. But it’s not overall, in life it’s about choices.

Captain Brien: He lost 85 pounds recently Herum.

Dr. Daller:Congratulations, that’s fantastic.

Captain Brien: Very nice work, great job.

Dr. Daller: Beautiful.

Captain Brien: You should post tell us how you did it, that’s interesting, good job. But, yeah we wanna get him on the right track now. Get his brain healthy.

Dr. Daller: Right so brain healthy again. Brain healthy is key because everything if you loose that’s the most important part of your body is that brain. If you loose that, everything else is irrelevant. So we have to keep that brain healthy. We have to fuel it. Again, think about it it’s an expensive European car.

Captain Brien: What about water, drinking a lot of water, does that help?

Dr. Daller: Water helps, but does not help overall. Hydration is extremely important. Hydration is important for all the toxins because after all our society, everything is full of toxins. So you do dilute the toxins by drinking a lot of water. But again, we talked about bottled water. We talked about xenoestrogen, remember. We had a podcast about that, that’s a great podcast, about xenoestrogen. so bottled water, I have a problem with bottled water. You know, these are the things that you have to pay attention for the little things, they make a big difference.

Captain Brien: And then in 10 to 20 years they’ll let us know that that was bad for us.

Dr. Daller: I don’t know if they even will let us know.

Captain Brien: No?

Dr. Daller: I don’t know, it’s going to be much more than that. Because it’s all politicized and corrupt.

Captain Brien: All right guys well that was how to power up your brain. We want you guys to be healthy. We want you guys to tune in everyday of course but on Tuesdays ask the doctor. Dr. Dollar makes you holler. And he has all the answers to your questions. DM us, just send us a message guys. You can find him if you’d like on Instagram at…

Dr. Daller: So on Facebook Dollar MD, I’m sorry Instagram Dollar MD. On Facebook Mayor Dollar please be my friend or DM me without being my friend or DM Captain Brian. Come to my office, send me a text message, an email, whatever it takes., we’re always available. Please send us different topics that you want to talk about that you have interest in.

Captain Brien: We wanna make sure you guys are getting the information you want. Not just the topics that we wanna talk about so. We appreciate you tuning in, this is the Captain’s Log, we’re out and I’ll be back in tomorrow. Don’t miss us.

Episode 260 Carry On Tommy Davidson

Tommy Davidson joins the #naplescaptainslog to discuss sketch comedy and sings us a tune! Check out his voice!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Tommy Davidson out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We are live. Tommy Davidson. It’s an honor, I appreciate it buddy. Thanks for joining me on the Captain’s Log today. How’s everything?

Tommy Davidson: I love how the shades went down.

Captain Brien: I gotta kinda look good, you know?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, you just went shade down, shades down.

Captain Brien: I’m with Mr. Hollywood so I have to look all Hollywood for you.

Tommy Davidson: Shades down!

Captain Brien: You know? So what’s goin’ on man? How was the trip into Naples?

Tommy Davidson: It was good. Now, it’s about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Miami.

Captain Brien: Oh, you flew into Miami?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, no, I drove into here.

Captain Brien: But you landed in Miami?

Tommy Davidson: Landed in Miami, stayed there a couple of days but as you’re driving here, you don’t want to pop a tire because you think you’re in Jurassic Park.

Captain Brien: You crossed alligator alley.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, no, no like a literal raptor will come after you. But a beautiful drive and glad to be here and just, this is a corner of this world that’s kinda cool.

Captain Brien: It’s a little bit of a secret place, right?

Tommy Davidson: I mean, you know, I mean–

Captain Brien: Everyone’s found out about it now but it’s a little secret little paradise.

Tommy Davidson: I mean, I mean if you can find a road here. You know what I mean? If you can find a road here because I don’t know how people got here without a road.

Captain Brien: Right?

Tommy Davidson: You know what I mean? But, it has everything you want.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Tommy Davidson: I mean, come on. And I’m having a good time here. And it’s a good place to live if you’re a pair of golf shorts. Lot of golf goin’ on.

Captain Brien: Do you golf?

Tommy Davidson: I do not.

Captain Brien: I know you sing.

Tommy Davidson: I do not, but golf, what is golf? Trivia, quick, quickly.

Captain Brien: Okay, tell me.

Tommy Davidson: The game golf, what is the game golf guys? What is the game golf?

Captain Brien: Koba, Vicky, tell us, what’s golf?

Tommy Davidson: What is the game golf? Why is it called golf?

Captain Brien: I don’t know this.

Captain Brien: Okay? I’m a captain, I know fishing, not golf.

Tommy Davidson: Okay, golf is called, well there’s three names for a rabbit. Golf, hare and rabbit. The game is golf. Rabbit, rabbit into the hole. Boom!

Captain Brien: Oh, I see, I see. That’s good!

Tommy Davidson: You hit the rabbit.

Captain Brien: More importantly–

Tommy Davidson: Into the hole. Now, I don’t play

Captain Brien: I asked you don’t–

Tommy Davidson: That’s the only thing I know about golf.

Captain Brien: You don’t play golf, but you sing. I wanna hear a tune.

Tommy Davidson: Oh yeah?

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Captain Brien: ‘Cause you got a beautiful voice.

Tommy Davidson: I mean you name the tune… Or should I just start?

Captain Brien: You could just belt out a tune ’cause this, we’re live.

Tommy Davidson: ♪ Carry on my wayward son ♪ ♪ There’ll be peace when you are done ♪ ♪ Lay your weary head to rest ♪ ♪ Don’t you cry no more ♪

Captain Brien: That’s amazing, dude!

Tommy Davidson: That’s a little thing from Kansas back from you know, we’re not in Kansas anymore but…

Captain Brien: How did you just belt it out like that?

Tommy Davidson: I mean I can’t do it again.

Captain Brien: Just one time, that’s all you got?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, hold on.

Tommy Davidson: Hold on, hold on.

Captain Brien: That’s amazing though.

Tommy Davidson: See the blood, the blood.

Captain Brien: I got goosebumps.

Tommy Davidson: Ha!

Captain Brien: It’s good. It’s amazing.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, well amazing things happen when the cameras come on.

Captain Brien: The thing is like you’re the king of sketch comedy. In Living Color

Captain Brien: I’ll take that. Obviously like unbelievable.

Tommy Davidson: I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: It changed the comedy world, right?

Tommy Davidson: It changed the comedy landscape.

Captain Brien: I mean that was the thing. Like, if you weren’t watching In Living Color, you weren’t cool.

Tommy Davidson: You weren’t up on it.

Captain Brien: Right?

Tommy Davidson: You weren’t up on it and still it’s out there, still doing the same things that it was doing before which is making people cry laughing.

Captain Brien: What do you think about sketch comedy today? How do you feel, it’s changed? The same?

Tommy Davidson: It’s not that much of it.

Captain Brien: No.

Tommy Davidson: It’s not that much of it. So we were, we were the stock of it

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: at the time. And us, Saturday Night Live, were the stock of the sketch. Um, I don’t know much about sketch now because there’s not much. Now it’s reality.

Captain Brien: Now it’s all on the internet, I think. All the sketch

Tommy Davidson: Yeah. and the memes today.

Tommy Davidson: All the sketch, and… Okay, you’re right.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tommy Davidson: In the, what am I talking about? What am I talking about? You are absolutely right. And there is a lot of

Tommy Davidson:Well, the thing is. brilliant kids out there doing stuff.

Captain Brien: You were thinking about network sketch and I get that, there isn’t. You’re right.

Tommy Davidson: I mean, you know the internet wasn’t there.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tommy Davidson: So we had to do it that way. But, there is a lot of stuff.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: And a lot of it sucks.

Captain Brien: That’s out there.

Tommy Davidson: It really sucks.

Captain Brien: You know what’s hard for me to follow?

Tommy Davidson: A lot of it sucks, dude.

Captain Brien: The kids watch these YouTube clips and these memes.

Tommy Davidson: A lot of it sucks, man. Get outta here, man! A lot of it sucks.

Captain Brien: My kids would do it, like they’ll watch.

Tommy Davidson: But, some of it is really good.

Captain Brien: Some is.

Tommy Davidson: I mean, some of it is really good, and it doesn’t matter your age. My eight year old is watching stuff, And I’m going, “Wow, that’s really good. That’s really good. And who am I to say it sucks or whatever, because sucks is a matter of perception. Your age group, I mean, I suck. You know?

Captain Brien: Well, what do you suck at? Nothing! You can sing, you can dance, you can tell comedy.

Tommy Davidson: I suck to my 12 year old.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, you’re not as cool.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I know, they don’t . You’re cool with the whole world but to your 12 year old, you’re so lame. I’m the same way.

Tommy Davidson: I think I’m so fancy. I’m showing up.

Captain Brien: You were hanging with P Diddy.

Tommy Davidson: My son’s friends are looking at me like who’s the square?

Captain Brien: Right. You’re such a nerd.

Tommy Davidson: And I’m like, are you talking to me? I’ll bust you in your face.

Captain Brien: They don’t get it.

Tommy Davidson: I’ll bust you in your face, shorty. But, you know what? I love them.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Tommy Davidson: What are you kidding me?

Captain Brien: It’s amazing. Because they are me.

Captain Brien: And they are you without even realizing it. They get all the seeds, the juice. They know everything that you are knowing.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, they turn me on to stuff. Good stuff that I didn’t even know, you know, that they give me. And, I can get that from the internet. I can get that from social media by just watching them.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Tommy Davidson: It’s just so much.

Captain Brien: When you said that some of the sketch comedy stuff on the internet sucks, it’s just different. Like to me, I don’t get my kids will watch a clip that has five million views and they’ll show me. They’ll be like, “This is so funny”. And, I’ll watch it,

Captain Brien: And you’ll be like,

Tommy Davidson: And you’ll be like, “I don’t get it”.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s really not. The guy was really good at editing, and he kept your attention for 30 seconds. So you liked it. But, I don’t really know what the message is or what’s funny.

Tommy Davidson: But they do.

Captain Brien: They don’t either. I think they like the quickness. The snap, the boom!

Tommy Davidson: It’s popularity, you know? It’s popularity. It can get scary. Who’s the lady? The woman that comes into the screen?

Captain Brien: That does the weird?

Tommy Davidson: Like, Rich Bitch. You know, she got kids doing things. You know, “Jump out the window!”

Captain Brien: The tea. The girl that does the tea.

Tommy Davidson: What’s her name?

Captain Brien: You know the tea girl?

Tommy Davidson: She’s like, “Jump out the window now!” It’s scary.

Captain Brien: She has a scary face.

Tommy Davidson: They’re in kids rooms by themselves, and the kid is on the computer doing homework, and, “Jump out the window, now!” It’s like so crazy .

Captain Brien: What’s one of the most memorable experiences you had in comedy coming up? You’ve been doing this how many years now?

Tommy Davidson: 35.

Captain Brien: 35 years. And mostly touring that whole time as well. If you take a movie break

Captain Brien: All the time. or something like that. But, 35 years of comedy.

Tommy Davidson: All that time.

Captain Brien: How did you start and what’s one of your most memorable experiences?

Tommy Davidson: I started in a strip club in D.C.

Captain Brien: Really? As a stripper?

Tommy Davidson: As a friend, no, as a stripper. I was with Chicken Dales.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I would watch you.

Captain Brien: I’m just kidding.

Tommy Davidson: A friend of mine said you should be doing comedy. He worked at the club.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: He called the manager and said, “I know a guy who’s funny.” I walked in, the guy said there’s the stage. And I looked at my friend. I said, “what do I do?” He said, “I don’t care, just get up there.” And, I haven’t stopped.

Captain Brien: Really?

Tommy Davidson: And all of a sudden, I’m in your car.

Captain Brien: Really?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause the people tell me all the time, “Oh, such and such is funny.” And to me, I’m like “Oh, that’s good. “I’m happy they’re funny. “Put them on the open mic and let them do some comedy, “it’s not the same.” So, that person was really, they either believed in you so much at that minute, because I hear this all the time. “Oh this guy is so funny, you should meet him.” I’m like, “Is he a comedian?” “No, but he’s just hysterical.”

Tommy Davidson: He’s funny, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s one in a million, dude.

Tommy Davidson: He was right about me.

Captain Brien: You’re one in a million. That just doesn’t happen.

Tommy Davidson: And I didn’t know. I’m an anomaly.

Captain Brien: You are.

Tommy Davidson: I’m an anomaly.

Captain Brien: I don’t want to repeat that.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah. I’m an anomaly.

Captain Brien: Oh, man, so.

Tommy Davidson: Get it? Break that down. Almond. Ahmanomy. Anyway.

Captain Brien: No, I can’t. So you stepped on the stage

Tommy Davidson: That’s going viral. and how did it go?

Tommy Davidson: I killed.

Captain Brien: You killed!

Captain Brien: Killed. Again, never happens.

Tommy Davidson: From the beginning, from the very beginning, killed.

Captain Brien: Did you have a joke set? Or did you just talk?

Tommy Davidson: Nah, I just kinda talked but it was kinda there.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: And I just, from the first thing I said, they started laughing.

Captain Brien: Right away?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah. I wasn’t even old enough to be in the clubs, man. I just started killing from there from there, And went from there to New York.

Captain Brien: Did you ever bomb?

Tommy Davidson: I’ve bombed on stage. I’ve bombed off stage.

Captain Brien: Yeah .

Tommy Davidson: In life, but never bombed on stage.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s amazing.

Tommy Davidson: Never bombed on stage.

Captain Brien: I think it’s the way you interact with the crowd, you read them. You read the audience as good as anybody’s ever done. And, I think that’s what the success is. What do you think?

Tommy Davidson: I think so. I’ll give you a good example. Off The Hook Comedy Club. Now as a comic, okay? As a comic my eyes like a quarterback’s.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Tommy Davidson: So, I’m reading the defense. The defense is the audience. It’s me versus their mind, to get into their mind something that’s humorous, that makes them laugh. So I have to look at who’s there, what’s there.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Tommy Davidson: And, go from there. I can’t just go, okay I’m going to do my act, you know that’s me. Everybody has their own individual thing. I can’t just do what I would do in New York or do in Brooklyn in an all black show. I can’t do what I’d do in Texas.

Captain Brien: Hey Josh! Hey Danny! What’s happening?

Tommy Davidson: What’s up, Joshua?

Captain Brien: We’re going to do breakfast with you, buddy. We’ll see you soon. So you’re reading the audience.

Tommy Davidson: Maybe, maybe Josh. Maybe. I know how to dial in.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Tommy Davidson: I’m like Tom Brady, man. Okay, I’ll send a tight-end this way. I’ll take this person outward this angle. I’ll try it, I’ll do this bit. So I have a catalog of plays that are here, and I can scramble.

Captain Brien: If you need to.

Tommy Davidson: I’m an excellent scrambler, too. And so, that’s how I bring shows together. That’s comedy technique from me. Everybody has their own approach, that’s mine.

Captain Brien: And how much writing do you do?

Tommy Davidson: I do writing for myself, by myself, and I do it here. It’s interesting. I don’t have a team of writers.

Captain Brien: And, you don’t write down literally on paper? I do, I do, I do.

Captain Brien: Oh you do, okay.

Tommy Davidson: I do write down on paper, but I gotta be working on a special or something. The rest is just in here, you know?

Captain Brien: And during the performance, how much is…

Tommy Davidson: ‘Cause of guys like Carlos Mencia around.

Captain Brien: Ad lib off the cuff? And how much is material that you’ve horned in and worked on that for a long time?

Tommy Davidson: It depends nightly.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: It depends nightly.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause every show you do is different. Like, you always mix it up. Some guys go, like you said, they’ll tell their set and they’ll run with it the whole show. But yours is kinda crafted, I think along the way.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, our kid wasn’t crafted off a pornographic disc from the Care Plus Kids. That was Chip Rock, circa 1991. Yeah, see?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I get it.

Tommy Davidson: Cancel the . So, that’s what happens with me. It’s something that I worked on for a long time. And, what I do is, I take all of the different comic techniques, and I blend them into one. And, I actually bit that from Bruce Lee.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah. So, Bruce Lee took all of the different fighting styles, all of the best of them, and then made his own style. Jeet Kune Do. So he took karate, judo, all of those, and then took the best out of them, and made a style.

Captain Brien: And that’s how you formulate your comedy show.

Tommy Davidson: That’s how I do my comedy.

Captain Brien: What’s one of the most memorable…

Tommy Davidson: No puppets.

Captain Brien: None.

Tommy Davidson: ‘Cause I’m just not good at that.

Captain Brien: Right . Least you’re not good at something.

Tommy Davidson: The guys who’re good at that, oh my God, are good at it.

Captain Brien: I’m happy you’re not good at one thing, ’cause it’s embarrassing. You’re in the car singing, dancing, talking, give another brother a chance.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, yeah, no puppets.

Captain Brien: You gotta have a…

Tommy Davidson: The puppet dudes are off the hook.

Captain Brien: They are off the hook.

Tommy Davidson: I would’ve said that anyway. I would’ve said that anyway.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, I get it.

Tommy Davidson: I would’ve said that anyway.

Captain Brien: It’s gone a long way with the name. It’s been good. It’s a double, uh,

Tommy Davidson: Watch out! No, I’m kidding.

Captain Brien: Let me ask you a question. In your career, what’s the one thing you’re most proud of that you’ve done.

Tommy Davidson: I’ve stayed as Tommy Davidson’s, Barbara Davidson’s youngest son.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Tommy Davidson: And that says,

Captain Brien: Along the way.

Tommy Davidson: That says a lot. That says a lot. That little boy.

Captain Brien: You’re the youngest of how many?

Tommy Davidson: I’m the youngest of three. And that little boy saw so much, and went through so much. And that family

Captain Brien: Because you’re…

Tommy Davidson: Went through so much. That for me to still be her son, to still be what she created in me.

Captain Brien: Because, people may not know the story. I don’t even know if I knew it before today. I think I’ve heard the story, but you were abandoned as a baby.

Tommy Davidson: Mmhmm.

Captain Brien: Was it? What happened? Is it a dumpster? What was it?

Tommy Davidson: No, it was a pile of trash on the side of a house. It was a random, kinda, finding of me. And, that, I’m sitting here now.

Captain Brien: Wow. Unbelievable.

Tommy Davidson: It really happened, it’s not something that I’ve talked about a lot. But, now I’m talking about it a lot.

Captain Brien: As a baby you were abandoned. Your mother who raised you is not your biological mother.

Tommy Davidson: No.

Captain Brien: She adopted you and she found you.

Tommy Davidson: Mmhmm.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Unprecedented.

Tommy Davidson: And, I had nothing to do with it.

Captain Brien: Nothing.

Tommy Davidson: Nothing to do with it.

Captain Brien: You were a baby, you were an infant.

Tommy Davidson: I had nothing to do with it.

Captain Brien: How old were you?

Tommy Davidson: They think I was almost two.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, somewhere around 18 months.

Captain Brien: And then, for her to raise you and, I mean, that’s just, she has an amazing heart.

Tommy Davidson: It’s a good story and it’s true. And, with all the bad stories that are out there, I’m glad to be able to represent a really good story.

Captain Brien: Right.

Tommy Davidson: Watch the news for one second, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Tommy Davidson: You’ll know what I’m talking about.

Captain Brien: What were the loopholes? How did she navigate the system to be able to adopt you? When you find a child today it doesn’t work like that.

Tommy Davidson: Well, she’s wicked smart.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Tommy Davidson: Always has been, so, she was able to finesse that back then, and make it work, thank God. I am definitely her greatest achievement. Her and my brother and my sister. Were her greatest achievements because she passed onto us the way she rolls. The way she rolls is, hey, man, everybody’s the same. Everybody deserves a decent shot at whatever. Don’t wait for the holidays to be happy, make it everyday.

Captain Brien: That’s how you live your life.

Tommy Davidson: That’s how she rolls.

Captain Brien: Every time I’m with you, you’re smiling. Every time I see you, you’re happy. It’s contagious. I mean, it really is. Which is obviously why you have a successful 35 year career in comedy.

Tommy Davidson: It helps.

Captain Brien: Or in anything, I mean. To be able to do something for that long, like, negative people with negative vibes, they don’t exist that long.

Tommy Davidson: Not from what I’ve seen.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Tommy Davidson: Not from what I’ve seen, but, there’s two sides to the world.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Tommy Davidson: There’s the negative charged, and sometimes they go on forever.

Captain Brien: It’s shocking when that happens.

Tommy Davidson: Sometimes they go on forever, and sometimes you be like, “What am I doing? “What am I doing wrong?” You’re not doing anything wrong.

Captain Brien: But, your time will come if you stay positive.

Tommy Davidson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Always.

Tommy Davidson: That time being right now.

Captain Brien: That’s right. And you could see him at Off the Hook comedy club all week. Tonight.

Tommy Davidson: Right now at this moment.

Captain Brien: Saturday and Sunday.

Tommy Davidson: Diane, how you doing, girl?

Captain Brien: Diane Lewis. Anthony.

Tommy Davidson: Anthony Angelini. Yeah, I got that right!

Captain Brien: Go see it. Of the Hook comedy dot com, get your tickets.

Tommy Davidson: I see you Lewis. Thank you for watching, bro.

Captain Brien: Tommy Davidson. We’ve been friends now for, how many years have we known each other?

Tommy Davidson: I’m gonna say 11 or 12.

Captain Brien: 11 or 12 years?

Tommy Davidson: Yeah, something like that.

Captain Brien: It’s been an honor to be your friend.

Tommy Davidson: Pre Fab Homes! Okay, but go ahead.

Captain Brien: I’ll tell you, it’s never a dull moment.

Tommy Davidson: Pre Fab Homes, man!

Captain Brien: Who’s more hyper in the morning, me or you? ‘Cause you told me to turn it down.

Tommy Davidson: I think we’re tied. Yeah, we’re fencing.

Captain Brien: You told me like, “Dude this is too much, hold on.”

Tommy Davidson: When he came to pick me up at the hotel he just flew into my focus, “Hi there!” “How’s it going, man? “Oh, I’m up! “Things are good! Hold on my kids! “Yeah, get in the Uber, get out of here!”

Captain Brien: Guys listen up. I got Tommy Davidson on the Captain’s Log. Don’t miss him at Off the Hook, and guess what, we appreciate you watching. Tune in every day. You can always like and share. But, more importantly, go to any app and rate us. If you like the show, give us a five-star. Even if you’re just rating Tommy, I’m sure he’s five-stars.

Tommy Davidson: You can rate me, you can rate me.

Captain Brien: And have a good time. We appreciate you watching. We’re gonna be live now on B 1 0 3 9, tune in. We out!

Episode 259 Comedian Tells a Joke at a Comedy Club and Gets 911 Called on Him

Comedian Erik Myers back again on the #naplescaptainslog to discuss the infamous 911 call

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Erik Myers out and show him some love at:

Episode 258 Be a Buddy Not a Bully!

Alyssa Elizabeth joins Captain Brien on the #naplescaptainslog to discuss bullying and what you can be doing to help reduce bullying!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Alyssa Tombazzi out and show her some love at:



Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Yeah, so you can scroll. Hey guys, welcome back. My guest Alyssa Tombazzi.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes.

Captain Brien: Is that right?

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes.

Captain Brien: Wow , I got it right. That’s the hardest part of my day, just so you know. But, so you’re a personal trainer at the gym I go to, Naples Family Fitness.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes.

Captain Brien: And we started talking, and you have a great story about how you’ve become a personal trainer because you were bullied as a child.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Correct.

Captain Brien: And I think that’s really important, because there’s so many people out there that are actually facing the same situation, and you’ve been able to not only overcome that, but, you’re thriving on it.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes.

Captain Brien: And, I wanna know why and how. How we can help other people as well who have faced this type of situation as a child, or even during, you know, their adult life. People do it all the time, right?

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes, it happened, bullying definitely happens as a child and goes into adulthood if you don’t know how to deal with it when you’re young. And I found it when I was 16, I started weight training religiously. I was in the gym every day. And slowly my confidence started to go up–

Captain Brien: I’m gonna share this on your page, or did you?

Alyssa Tombazzi: I did not yet.

Captain Brien: You didn’t, okay, we’re gonna share it. We’re gonna share it on her page too because we want to know all your little fans out there to watch it.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Hi fans.

Captain Brien: Yes, yes. All right, there you go. So yeah, so tell me how basically, how it happened, what you were going through, and how you fed off of that to turn your life into, you know, an occupation and a lifestyle of fitness.

Alyssa Tombazzi: It definitely is a lifestyle. I was bullied so bad as a kid to the point where if I hadn’t found fitness, I would not be here talking to you today and I’m very open and honest about that and I think a lot of people struggle with that and they keep it very private and they don’t wanna discuss it because it’s a taboo subject or it’s something that we just can’t be open about. And I’ve shared my story with a lot of people recently and they’ve all suffered from the same types of things so it’s really amazing to hear that. So I was 16 and I was in a gym class and they made us do weight training for a week and believe it or not I sat out in gym all the time.

Captain Brien: You didn’t go?

Alyssa Tombazzi: I didn’t go.

Captain Brien: Because you felt so inadequate because of the bullying? Insecure from the bullying. So tell me before we get into like more of the story, did you know you were being bullied all the time, like or you just knew that you hated certain people? How was that?

Alyssa Tombazzi: I never hated anyone. I personally think I’m super easy to get along with, I’m nice, I have my opinions, but I can always put those aside. I knew I was being bullied. I’d have it face to face, I’d have it on social media which was AIM instant messenger back in the day. So it was even back then and I had it behind my back and I’d hear stories and I you know, I heard it all the time. And I didn’t really know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with those people that would say cruel things to me and when I found fitness it just built my confidence up slowly.

Captain Brien: Was there a pivot point? Was there like one incident that really bothered you that said okay, I’m like, I’m done with this. I’m not going to continue to have these feelings. People aren’t gonna treat me like this.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes, I think it was when I was at a fair in my home town and I had these jeans on that supposedly made me look fat and right after that I got some nasty messages on Instant Messenger saying that I was really fat and they wanted to see my pants size and it just, it crushed me.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean that’s, so for anybody to go through that, I think it’s awful. I have two kids right now, a 12 year old daughter and a 13 year old son and I see some of the messages between Snapchat and Instagram and like, it’s every other week where I’m like, okay that apps gone because I just saw like a message that was completely outrageous and nobody should talk to anybody like that.

Alyssa Tombazzi: That’s terrible.

Captain Brien: And they do it in group chats. So it’s even worse now, like, I can’t imagine any of it being good, but now I think the level of how easily it is spread and how much you could hurt somebody’s feelings and this is not something that happens just in the moment, like this lasted with you still to this day.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Oh yes, I still can go back to those feelings and still feel them, but I know I’ve overcome it, but I mean there’s adult bullies, let’s be honest. I mean, I deal with it every day. And at this point I have thicker skin and I know how to handle it, but I’ve I can’t tell you how many rumors I’ve heard about myself in this town that aren’t true. And I go back and I’m like do you believe what you’re telling me?

Captain Brien: Right, why is that something? The thing that gets me is that, is that why is that the most important thing of their day or life at the time that they have to be so driven to talk about other people.

Alyssa Tombazzi: ‘Cause they have nothing else important in their life.

Captain Brien: Right, so those are the negative people. You have to just tune those out, tell them goodbye, I’m not interested, you’re not part of my life anymore. I have nothing to do with you, you don’t exist. That’s how I deal with it.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Focus on the positive people in your life and that’s the whole reason I’m here is I wanna talk about finding an outlet. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be fitness like, obviously that’s what I preach, that’s my lifestyle, but there’s so many other things out there. It could be music, it could be art, it could volunteering with animals, I mean it could literally be anything that you find as your outlet that separates your mind from that stuff that’s negative.

Captain Brien: Absolutely, so you were 16, you wore jeans, you thought they looked hot, someone said you were you were fat in the jeans which is outrageous, but as kids in that age group, I mean I see it from even when my kids were 10, and they’re 12 and 13 now. It’s gonna last all the way, you know, as long as I’ll be a dad having to manage a social media. Hopefully after 18 they’re old enough to tell somebody off, but they do have to deal with it. So you dealt with it in a way where, was that like, so after that you woke up the next day and you said you know what I kinda like working out, or how did it work?

Alyssa Tombazzi: Oh I instantly fell in love with it because as I mentioned I was terrible at sports. I have no hand eye coordination whatsoever and I’m very honest about that. So as I picked up those weights in that gym it just, something clicked and I felt at home and I felt like this is where I belong and it took me a long time to figure out that I wanted to make a career out of it. I went back and forth a lot and wasn’t really sure, tried a lot of different careers, but as soon as I did that weight training class in gym, I joined my rack like within a week and again I felt like I was at home. It’s just always been my go to place when I’m feeling down or sad or whatever it is.

Captain Brien: So I played baseball in college and I always was driven by like wanting to win, wanting to be the best, wanting to be on the team no matter which level I played on, wanted to start, yeah I was very competitive. So did that come like, you have to have that. When you’re in the gym you may not have that that like killer instinct 24/7, but you have to have like a commitment to wanna do this every single day. And you teach that now based on what you’ve been through?

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes, based on everything that I’ve been through. I like to show people my before and after pictures so they know that and I hae them on my Instagram so they’re all on there.

Captain Brien: You totally transformed, I mean you’re literally a picture of fitness right now and when you were 16 I mean, you weren’t in this kind of shape.

Alyssa Tombazzi: No, definitely not. I look better today than I did as a teenager.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, and you look younger. It’s amazing like do you–

Alyssa Tombazzi: I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: Every day, is it a healthy option, is it the working out? Tell me like what your regimen is and then how you, how people can find you as well because they may wanna use you as their trainer as well.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes, I think it’s just a combination of everything. I’m not perfect, I still have a lot of things and goals that I wanna accomplish. I don’t eat perfect, but I definitely watch what I eat. A lot of, obviously a lot of dedication in the gym. Probably there five to six days a week so it’s definitely religiously for me. I’m there all the time.

Captain Brien: And I wanna interrupt because I realized that when we started talking, not only do you work out at a gym and you’re a personal trainer, but you also have another job. So anybody who says that they can’t do this because they don’t have time, right? I mean you don’t need that much time. We talked about it even. Even myself like, I don’t have to ride 30, 40 minutes a day on bike before I go to the gym, I go to the gym for 25 to 40 minutes a day, so I could do everything in 25 minutes if I wanted to.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Oh yeah, there’s no excuses. I’m not a person that listens to excuses because I have a lot on my plate. I’m always doing something, I’m always busy, there’s a lot going on and what’s 30 minutes out of your day? It’s nothing.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Alyssa Tombazzi: And if you set that time, and I teach my clients that, like I tell them, I’m very honest, if you train with me two days a week you will not see results. It’s not realistic, it can’t happen. And I put them on a very strict regimen. I’m like, I’m constantly texting and calling them. Hey did you workout today? You know what’s your diet been like? I’m reviewing their diet, I’m looking into digging deeper than just training them two days a week because that’s not gonna get them anywhere.

Captain Brien: Right, you really wanna see results. You push for results and give them your Instagram handle ’cause I think that’s one of your most popular social media is on Instagram. You are?

Alyssa Tombazzi: It’s l-y-s-s 818 and underscore.

Captain Brien: Okay and so you can find Alyssa, you can also look at the comments because we’ll put her at in there as well and that’s where they can find you and you’re at Naples Family Fitness so you can ask for Alyssa and Kelsey, what’s going on? Raphael how are you buddy? Jen, Grant, everybody’s on today. Sorry I didn’t get to shout out some of the other people, the names are coming up fast and we’re driving and talking and sometimes the sunlight sees the camera here so it’s hard to read all of them, but thanks guys for watching. We’re talking today about being bullied at actually all ages really, right? So when you had those feelings, what did your family say? Did you tell people about them or how?

Alyssa Tombazzi: Yes, I usually did. I went home crying a lot, I’m not gonna lie. And my family was all bullied, they all suffered from the same thing so it kinda runs in the family and they never really taught me how to deal with it. They kinda just, they felt bad. So I think in a way you have to, if you have kids or you have people that are being bullied around you, you need to teach them ways to cope with it, not just feel bad because the sympathy it doesn’t really help that much. It helps a little bit, but you need to teach them skills and how to deal with those people because they’re gonna be in your life forever.

Captain Brien: And so what, give me a couple good good bit of advice that you do right now even at your adult age when you’re feeling like somebody’s doing that.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Honestly it’s just in the moment. You just have to know how to handle that person in the moment, sometimes you just have to walk away, sometimes you have to say something that catches them off guard. There’s always gonna be people that say cruel things to you and have their opinions. Like I said I hear a lot of rumors about myself come back around, and I’ll say do you believe that? And then that’s it. And then they kinda just give me that look and I’m like okay, well, that kinda answers that questions.

Captain Brien: Yeah a lot of times they say kinda facing you know the fact that like, I’m not gonna be pushed around, right, by you just because you think that you’re entitled to do so.

Alyssa Tombazzi: Exactly and it’s because they’re insecure. They have their insecurities and they wanna bring other people down with them. And that’s what people have to remember if you are being bullied, remember that those people are very insecure, they’re hurting. One of my bullies committed suicide. If that doesn’t tell you anything, I mean that’s huge right there.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Alyssa Tombazzi: It happens, and they’re suffering from things that we don’t understand so a lot of times I go back to that old saying hurt people, hurt people.

Captain Brien: That’ true.

Alyssa Tombazzi: It sounds very cliche but it’s very true.

Captain Brien: It is true, it is true. And you know, it’s a topic that I think most of the people out there have faced I’m sure, whether it’s someone in their family, themselves, or their kids or anybody and it’s just really something that I wish you could snap your fingers and put a stop to it because I have paid when I see my kids, you know, having to deal with these messages or it’s the worst on Snapchat. They’ll do private groups and then they can’t, oh they’re not allowed in that group or they’ll let somebody in the group who they don’t want in the group and they just let them in the group to make fun of them. It’s like why do you guys continue to do this? Like this is not healthy for anybody. So I feel the pain for all of that as well. And it’s like, it’s almost addictive for the children these days where if they’re not somehow knowing what’s goin on in all these circles, they feel like oh okay, well I’m left out now.

Alyssa Tombazzi: It’s faux mall, they’re missing out a hundred percent. They feel like they have to know everything, even if they’re getting bullied, it’s almost, it almost becomes an addiction like well what are these people saying about me and sometimes it’s better not to know. Because if it’s not nice things, you don’t need to know it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean I’ll take the phone away, I’ll just delete all the apps and I have it locked up so she can’t get to the app store because I just delete that too, they can’t even use it. And then she’s like, it’ll be a few weeks will go by and she’s like okay can I have snapchat back? Or can I have Instagram back? And I’ll be like yeah, but if I see another thing on there, we’re gonna have a big problem again. And then it’s just done. So she’s, like she understands that you know that, dad’s always watching you, but–

Alyssa Tombazzi: But that’s awesome you monitor her.

Captain Brien: I think that I’m one of the you know, the only dads that’s really into social media that these kids like they all know that I’m on social media all the time, so they’ll follow me or whatever, but like I don’t think their parents know a lot about what they’re doing and how it’s affecting them.

Alyssa Tombazzi: If you ‘re not monitoring it, you’re just, you’re just as guilty as your kids and I really, I wanna say it starts with the parents or the teachers, I mean, where do kids learn bullying from? They learn it from the adults that they’re around. The don’t just randomly start picking on people for no reason. They’re learning it so I think it just comes down to being aware of what you’re saying when you have children around or have young people that are very, you know, they pick up they absorb everything that you say and you have to be so careful because, it definitely comes from the adults. I hundred percent think it starts there. If we don’t stop that, then it will never stop in schools.

Captain Brien: I agree, I agree totally about some of these things at school, and the schools they seem a little clueless, they go after certain situations that to me are so minuscule and they should focus on like the big picture of the whole scenario and not just an individual that made a post, or somebody whose doing something. Like they should teach them like, nonstop about this instead of you know like, they kinda harbor on certain just, events individually. And I think that that sometimes draws more attention ’cause then the curiosity the kids wanna know, well what did he say? How did he do it? What’s going on? Right right, yeah.

Alyssa Tombazzi: That feeds into it, and there honestly, there could be teachers that are bullies, and I’m not calling anyone out.

Captain Brien: No, no the teachers’ doing a great job. But I think the school system needs to develop a way that they can help with this for sure, yeah.

Alyssa Tombazzi: And I think even having people that have, and I think everybody can relate. Every one’s been bullied at least once or twice in their life and if they haven’t they probably weren’t aware of it. And I think it would start with people like me and other people that have been bullied going to schools and talking about it openly and telling these kids like the words that you say today can effect that person for the rest of their life. It’s not gonna just be today. That carries over the rest of their life and it’s something that you really have to think carefully about. There’s a difference between saying something hurtful and joking around with someone. You could easily just joke around with someone but you have to know your limits with people especially when they’re extremely sensitive. And some people are and I’m a lot better now. I was a lot more sensitive as a child, but like I said those carry through and they effect everything you do with your life. Everything.

Captain Brien: Well we appreciate you coming on. It’s obviously a topic that still to this day it haunts you like you’re driven by this and it takes a lot of courage to come on and tell people that yeah, I was bullied, and I want to change other people’s lives. So go see Alyssa, go workout with her. She is super motivated and super talented. She’s gonna get you, whip your butt in shape out there. I see Charles is on there, he used to be at the gym. I know he’s moved now, but I wanna say hi, what’s going on? And Jade, how are you? Guys, listen this is the Captain’s Log. I’ll be live tomorrow with Doctor Dollar, we’re gonna teach you how to make your brain healthy. Healthy brains, healthy lives, me and Doctor Dollar tomorrow. Tune in 2:30 live. Thank you for your time, I appreciate it Alyssa. Guys we’re gonna be out.

Epsiode 257 That One Time I Slept on Vince Vaughn’s Couch

Comedian Ahmed Ahmed joins the #naplescaptainslog and discusses living in Malaysia and the culture, how he knew he wanted to be a comedian, and tells us the time he slept on Vince Vaughn’s couch!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Comedian Ahmed Ahmed out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be live in a second. And we’re live! This is the Captain’s Log with Ahmed Ahmed.

Ahmed Ahmed: Hey.

Captain Brien: Thanks buddy, appreciate you coming on the show!

Ahmed Ahmed: Hey, thanks for having me.

Captain Brien: All the way from Malaysia.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.

Captain Brien: That must be amazing, so, you could scroll it down and do that little side now.

Ahmed Ahmed: Can I do that?

Captain Brien: Share, yeah yeah, when you’re done with your happy dance.

Ahmed Ahmed: Happy to see you, pal.

Captain Brien: Oh, so it’s a good time, it really is, I appreciate you reaching out to me all the way from–

Ahmed Ahmed: Here we are.

Captain Brien: Malaysia!

Ahmed Ahmed: So share, right?

Captain Brien: When, yeah, you hit the share button and then you could show your people that you’re actually in the US, right?

Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause you’ve been in Malaysia for three years?

Ahmed Ahmed: A year.

Captain Brien: A year.

Ahmed Ahmed: I moved to Malaysia January last year.

Captain Brien: January last year.

Ahmed Ahmed: Just over a year.

Captain Brien: It feels like three years.

Ahmed Ahmed: It does kind of, I kind of feel like I got stuck in time when I moved to Asia.

Captain Brien: Is it, is that because things move differently out there, or?

Ahmed Ahmed: Well, it’s a little bit of a slower culture.

Captain Brien: It is.

Ahmed Ahmed: You know things just don’t move as quickly.

Captain Brien: What about the technology?

Ahmed Ahmed: Technology is just the same, it’s the same. I just think because it’s, you have to remember, it’s also very hot and humid country.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: So people, like, tend to not wanna work as hard, just ’cause it’s so hot, like you think Florida is hot and humid–

Captain Brien:What’s the average?

Ahmed Ahmed: You ain’t seen nothing.

Ahmed Ahmed: Man, on any given day, like–

Captain Brien: You might have to talk a little louder we’re not mic’d.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, hi, can you hear me everybody? .

Captain Brien: Yes .

Ahmed Ahmed: On any given day in Malaysia, it can get up to a hundred degrees, and then a–

Captain Brien: But it’s humid, right?

Ahmed Ahmed: A hundred percent humidity.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Ahmed Ahmed: So you just walk outside, poof, you’re just sweating.

Captain Brien: Yeah, instantly.

Ahmed Ahmed: Instantly, and, which sucks, ’cause then you have to go to a place where you have to look presentable and you’re like dripping sweat.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Ahmed Ahmed: The good news is that they have air conditioning everywhere you go.

Captain Brien: Serious? So it’s not like you’re in like little rickshaws running around?

Ahmed Ahmed: No, it’s not, it’s not Thailand .

Captain Brien: Yeah .

Ahmed Ahmed: It’s not, it’s not Bangkok.

Captain Brien: It’s not, it’s not.

Ahmed Ahmed: No.

Captain Brien: But it’s like all, everything is the same as we have here or what?

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, I mean, Malaysia for many years was considered a third world country.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: Now it’s being called a developing country.

Captain Brien:- Hmm-mm.

Ahmed Ahmed: And in 2020, I’m just gonna tag you on that.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: In 2020 it’s gonna be, it’s gonna be announced a, A developed country.

Captain Brien: This is good for the show.

Ahmed Ahmed: Sorry .

Captain Brien: This is good for the show. I like that, I like the actual pause.

Ahmed Ahmed: Did you show that already?

Captain Brien: I did, I did.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, I was gonna share it to both my pages.

Captain Brien: You could do it the other one now.

Ahmed Ahmed: Can I do it now?

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can do it the same time anyway.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: So you had to do one in a time.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: And, very interesting, I would, I kinda wanna go out there because I did do Hong Kong and China and stuff, but I didn’t spend enough time that I got to live the culture and everything else.

Ahmed Ahmed: I think, I think you would like Asia

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: Well Malaysia specifically, but as I was mentioning earlier you know, you have 45 minutes away Singapore, Thailand, you know, an hour and 20 minutes, Philippines, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Japan is a six hour flight, it’s like all kinda right there.

Captain Brien: With a lot of U.S influence?

Ahmed Ahmed: A lot, like, you can honestly feel like you are in Times Square, New York City when you’re in the Downtown part of Kuala Lumpur.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: And it’s, you know , skyscrapers, nice fine dining restaurants, speakeasy bars, you know lounges,

Captain Brien: Strip clubs?

Ahmed Ahmed: Fast foods. There aren’t any strip clubs.

Captain Brien: Really?

Ahmed Ahmed: But they do have these kind of, I don’t know what you call them,

Captain Brien: Do they have karaoke bars?

Ahmed Ahmed: They do have karaoke.

Captain Brien: Ah.

Ahmed Ahmed: I actually felt like–

Captain Brien: Where there’s very little karaoke going on in those bars?

Ahmed Ahmed: No they have, they actually do have like, you know, the proper karaoke rooms where you get a room–

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: And just you and your friends and like the little, sort of box–

Captain Brien: And do they have the little Geisha Girls come out?

Ahmed Ahmed: Well some of the nightclubs do,

Captain Brien: Yes.

Ahmed Ahmed: But they, and they don’t have any strip clubs, but they have this, and I’ve never been to it, but there’s a couple of these places where you like, you go in and you like, have to buy a woman a rose and then she’ll come and sit on your lap and have a drink and it’s like that kind of thing. I haven’t done that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: But I’ve driven past this establishment a couple times. But, you know, there’s also, and again this exists all over the world, but you know, there is quite a bit of prostitution.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: You know–

Captain Brien: But it’s not legal.

Ahmed Ahmed: No, I mean, Asia, it’s kind of all over Asia, but–

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: You know, they have like their massage parlors and they’re like, whatever.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: Dodgy, happy-ending spots and that kinda thing.

Captain Brien: Sure, sure.

Ahmed Ahmed: But, but no, no strip clubs, but great night life scene, the company I worked for, LOL Events, we, there’s like, there’s this leading comedy, events company in Malaysia. And so they’ve hosted everybody, Kevin Hart, Margaret Cho, Russell Peters, Jeff Dunham, Fluffy.

Captain Brien: And the people know these acts from the internet obviously.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, so–

Captain Brien: Is the TV very similar to our TV? Or is it completely different?

Ahmed Ahmed: So they have a local station that’s called Astro, their local station does like Malaysia, local Malaysian content. So, their language there is Bahasa, so they’ll speak, they’ll, have a lot of programming and adsense of Bahasa.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: But they’re trying to cross over to more American content. That’s kind of why I moved there, was to–

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: Help develop the content creation inside of the company, film, television, that kinda thing.

Captain Brien: Do they like us in the U.S?

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, there’s a lot of U.S influence in Malaysia, you know–

Captain Brien: So you’re cooler, are you cooler if you’re from the U.S over there?

Captain Brien: Do they like that?

Ahmed Ahmed: I don’t think people really give that much of a shit about it.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: But they do like American brands.

Captain Brien: They do.

Ahmed Ahmed: So anything, anything that’s like, that was started in the west, that caught on.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: Will take off in Malaysia.

Captain Brien: Thank God.

Ahmed Ahmed: And everything from like clothes to food, pop culture, music.

Captain Brien: They just gravitate towards it, they love that.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah like Guns N Roses was just there last year.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: Like for the third time.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: And like who would’ve ever thought Guns N Roses–

Captain Brien: Right, a little extra.

Ahmed Ahmed: And they’re performing, it was raining too, like they were out doors and people are just like, yeah! You know, PAradise City!.

Captain Brien: That’s fun, that’s a good time, though.

Ahmed Ahmed: But you, I think you’d love it man, it’s, I do miss my family and friends and the U.S, but I’m just gigging Asia right now.

Captain Brien: Cool.

Ahmed Ahmed: I wrote this new hour of material, I’m gonna try it all this weekend.

Captain Brien: Speaking of new material, you are performing this weekend at Off the Hook Comedy Club.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.

Captain Brien: Get tickets at

Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.

Captain Brien: They can find you on Instagram @ahmedahmed?

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, it’s @ahmedcomedy A-H-M-E-D comedy, that’s also my Twitter handle.

Captain Brien: Tell me about the first time you hopped on stage, what was that like, how did you know you wanted to be a comedian?

Ahmed Ahmed: Well, I actually started out as an actor.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: I was always funny as a kid, cracking jokes, do like school plays and I was considered like, the class clown in school and, I was never the guy who would put like a tack on the teacher’s desk or–

Captain Brien: Okay, yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: Chair, I wasn’t that guy.

Captain Brien: You weren’t the prankster.

Ahmed Ahmed: I wasn’t the prankster, but–

Captain Brien:  You were just a funny dude.

Ahmed Ahmed: I was just a funny guy, I’d be in the corner like, cracking jokes and get people to laugh and I was always in the detention room and that. But I never took it seriously–

Captain Brien: Same here.

Ahmed Ahmed: You were the same guy?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: I never took it seriously though, and then, like the comedy side of it. And then I grew up watching a lot of like, dramatic film, so I was like, you know, Robert De Niro, Clint Eastwood, Denzel Washington, all these dramatic actors–

Captain Brien: And those were your heroes?

Ahmed Ahmed: They fascinated me, ’cause I was like, you know, they were just a great screen presence and I was literally living in movie theaters. You know, remember the days where you’d go buy a ticket for one movie, then you sneak in to like 10 other movies.

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: I’d spend 10 hours at the movie theater on the weekends.

Captain Brien: Really? I did that like once in my life.

Ahmed Ahmed: I did it almost every weekend, just–

Captain Brien: Wow!

Ahmed Ahmed: I did it to escape from my house, ’cause I didn’t like being home .

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: I had like strict parents–

Captain Brien: I probably didn’t do it ’cause I never had that much time, I was running from one athletic event to the next, to the next, to the next.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, I wasn’t that active when I was a kid, but I was active, but I wasn’t into sports and stuff.

Captain Brien: How do I say Hireem? Hireem, he’s a comedian, right?

Ahmed Ahmed: Hiram, Hiram.

Captain Brien: He’s a comedian, yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: Hiram.

Captain Brien: Jennifer Allen, what’s up guys.

Ahmed Ahmed: Allen, what’s up everybody.

Captain Brien: Welcome to the Captain’s Log.

Ahmed Ahmed: Jennifer, how you doing?

Captain Brien: Say hi to Ahmed Ahmed.

Ahmed Ahmed: If you guys are in Annapolis, come to the shows this weekend.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we got a great show coming your way. Two tonight, two tomorrow, and one Sunday, Mother’s Day.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh yeah, Mother’s Day celebration–

Captain Brien: It’s a good show.

Ahmed Ahmed: Come laugh with us on Mother’s Day.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. You gotta bring your mom out, hang out with us. So, you was telling me, so far haven’t answered my question.

Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, yeah, so, so, I–

Captain Brien: Who’s more AD, me or you?

Ahmed Ahmed: I think together, we have–

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay, okay, that’s good.

Ahmed Ahmed: ADHD .

Captain Brien: Yes, I agree.

Ahmed Ahmed: So I just kind of, I moved to Hollywood when I was 19.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Ahmed Ahmed: I started working as an actor, I played a lot of terrorists in a lot of movies.

Captain Brien: Shocking.

Ahmed Ahmed: Shocking!

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: So, I was in Executive Decision, where I played terrorist number four, I was in, I was in the first Iron Man movie.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you were.

Ahmed Ahmed: So I helped kick-start the Marvel Universe, you’re welcome. But then they killed me.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: Well that was fun, and then I just, I, the problem with Hollywood is, Hollywood, is that you, you don’t get a lot of opportunities to, to play other parts other than what your stereotype is.

Captain Brien: Right, once they cast you kinda that way.

Ahmed Ahmed: That’s it. Unless you are lucky enough to do a part in a movie–

Captain Brien: Unless you’re like Matt Damon or,

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah like you write your own ticket, you know Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, they wrote Good Will Hunting, they won an Oscar, then they could do whatever they want.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: You know, you gotta, you kinda gotta get kissed into the party, you know, Hollywood. And I just never really did, they wanted me to change my name I didn’t wanna do it. Anyway, fast forward I quit acting, I ran out of money, I actually slept–

Captain Brien: Very typical.

Ahmed Ahmed: Very typical, I slept–

Captain Brien: Hollywood dream.

Ahmed Ahmed: Hollywood dream, I slept on my old buddy, Vince Vaughn’s couch, for about a year.

Captain Brien: He’s kinda famous.

Ahmed Ahmed: He’s a little famous.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: You probably heard of him.

Captain Brien: How did you get hooked up with Vince Vaughn, to sleep on his couch?

Ahmed Ahmed: So we met,

Captain Brien: You can’t jump into that.

Ahmed Ahmed: No, well I met him before he was famous.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: We did it after, well not we, I was an extra in an afterschool special that he was the co-star in,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: And we met on that thing. And you know, do you know the Peter Billingsley?

Captain Brien: I know the name, yes.

Ahmed Ahmed: He used to be an actor.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Ahmed Ahmed: Now he’s a producer, director–

Captain Brien: Okay, right.

Ahmed Ahmed: He was Ralphie in Christmas story.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: So he produces, now he produces all of Vince Vaughn’s movies and runs a production company, but he was the star of this afterschool special at the time. Vince played the best friend. It was a story about this young kid nerd, who wanted to impress this girl, but she only dated jocks,

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: So he joined the track team, but he wasn’t fast enough, so he took steroids.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: And then Vince Vaughn was the friend who’s like, don’t do drugs, I’m gonna tell the coach.

Captain Brien: And this was an afterschool special.

Ahmed Ahmed: An afterschool special that I was an extra–

Captain Brien: Do they still do afterschool specials?

Ahmed Ahmed: CBS school break special, I think they call them now.

Captain Brien: Really.

Ahmed Ahmed: I don’t know, I remember back in the days–

Captain Brien: Afterschool special for that age, is probably a thirty second clip.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah. .

Captain Brien: And they watch six of them and they’re done.

Ahmed Ahmed: Right. Almost like a weather .

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Ahmed Ahmed: So then we met, I was an extra, I played one of the guys on the track team who, when I found out Peter’s character took steroids, I kinda like, roll my eyes.

Captain Brien: Is this leading up to how the hell you became a comic?

Ahmed Ahmed: So this is how I met, so yeah, so when I started out as an actor, ’cause you asked me how I met Vince.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Ahmed Ahmed: That’s how I met him. So we met, we became friends, I started taking acting classes, and then the first part of the story, me doing all the terrorist parts and all of that. Then I got sick of it, I ran out of money. Vince offered me his couch.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Ahmed Ahmed: At this point he and I–

Captain Brien: That was cool of him.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, he had just done the movie, Swingers.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Ahmed Ahmed: And then he launched him to stardom right after that and he was traveling around the world filming movies. So he’s like, hey, just stay at my place while I’m gone, and he’s always super nice and supportive and, such a smart, funny, awesome businessman and just cool friend. And then I was starting waiting tables at Kevin Costner’s restaurant, actually.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: He used to own a restaurant called Twin Palms in Pasadena.

Captain Brien: That must be like, that must have been like the cool place if you were aspiring actor, to work at his place.

Ahmed Ahmed: This was when Kevin Costner was like at the top of his game.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: And so he opened this like beautiful 500 seat, indoor, outdoor country–

Captain Brien: ‘Cause he had needed a tax break.

Ahmed Ahmed: He needed a task break.

Captain Brien: He needed to lose more money.

Ahmed Ahmed: He needed to lose more money, so opened his restaurant with his wife. Him and Cindy Costner owned it, and I was the head waiter there–

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: And I was making a lot of money as a waiter ’cause I was making my customers laugh.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Ahmed Ahmed: And I thought, why don’t I just get rid of the food and just do the funny? And so that’s kinda how it all started, I got, you know, I made a lot of money as a waiter and I was just like, you know what, let me just try stand up and I did one night, I went up on stage in front of 40 comics, did a open mic, and then I killed,

Captain Brien: Which is not typical.

Ahmed Ahmed: Which is not typical and then I bombed for like–

Captain Brien: That’s normal, right.

Ahmed Ahmed: ‘Cause I thought I was so good.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: I didn’t realize, oh this is a craft, you have to take it seriously, and right jokes and know your timing and–

Captain Brien: Yeah, the stars can’t align every night you get on stage, you actually have that material.

Ahmed Ahmed: Bro, I bombed just the other night, at a open mic night. Kind of on accident too, I was at the Comedy Inn in Miami, killing every night, awesome shows and then I go to this open mic on a Monday just to like, just to see what was up in downtown Miami, and I aided so bad. But it felt good, it was–

Captain Brien: Yeah, it should.

Ahmed Ahmed: It was like a humbling experience,

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Ahmed Ahmed: And it grounded me. ‘Cause comics–

Captain Brien: You work on new material, sometimes that’s why you work on it.

Ahmed Ahmed: You gotta fail to succeed.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: So I just, I started doing standup, I got pretty good at it, I started running comedy rooms, because I couldn’t get booked at the major comedy clubs.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: So I just started, I started this room called Dublin’s, with a guy named Jay Davids,

Captain Brien: Yeah, I know Jay well.

Ahmed Ahmed: So now he books, he’s the vice, VP of talent at the Laugh Factory now.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: So him and I started a room in Hollywood, at a place called Dublin’s, Bubblin in Dublin Jay Z?

Captain Brien: Yep, yep.

Ahmed Ahmed: Every Tuesday night, rain or shine. Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle, Joe Rogan, Carlos Mencia–

Captain Brien: Sick shows.

Ahmed Ahmed: Like, because we were writing between the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store, so we were the hub, for like cool, and we had like, celebrities would come every week, hot chicks, librarians, doctors.

Captain Brien: How long has Jay had that title at the Laugh Factory these days?

Ahmed Ahmed: About, just over a year.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, so he’s, he’s booking all the talent at the Laugh Factory.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Ahmed Ahmed: So he started that room, one night, who you know very well, Pauly Shore came in.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Ahmed Ahmed: Pauly Shore came in with like five hot playboy play bates. And he was like, ‘hey buddy, what’s up buddy?’

Captain Brien: Hasn’t changed.

Ahmed Ahmed: What’s up buddy?

Captain Brien: Hasn’t changed a bit.

Ahmed Ahmed: He’s like, ‘hey why don’t you guys come in?’ Well, we said, ‘hey do you wanna go on stage?’ And he said, ‘sure’, he went up on stage, he killed it. He came out, what’s up Douggy, what’s up Allen.

Captain Brien: Hey Doug, Allen, what’s going on?

Ahmed Ahmed: So, Pauly goes on stage, he has a great set, he comes off stage, and he’s like, ‘why don’t you guys ‘come to my mom’s club and do a night there?’ The Comedy Store, Mitzi Shore. So we did, we called the show Rot Comedy.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Ahmed Ahmed: Jay hosted, I would throw myself up at the lineup every week, we took the best of the best from Dublin’s and put them on at the Comedy Store. So it was Sam Tripoli, Sebastian Maniscalco,

Captain Brien: All great comics.

Ahmed Ahmed: You know, murderers, right.

Captain Brien: Right.

Ahmed Ahmed: And then, Mitzi Shore was in the room one night, and she caught my set, and she came out to me afterwards and she said, ‘hey you’re very funny’, that’s what she talks.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: Hey, you’re very funny. I said thanks, she said, ‘are you, are you Arabic?’

Ahmed Ahmed: I said, ‘Arabic, oh yeah.’ She goes, ‘oh from where?’ I said, I’m from Egypt. She goes, ‘oh, you know we used to be your slaves.’ And she walked away, and I was like, ‘oof, that wasn’t good’

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: And then I got a call the next day and they’re like, she wants to make you a paid regular.

Captain Brien: That’s it, boom!

Ahmed Ahmed: Sounds like, oh now I work for you.

Captain Brien: That was great!

Ahmed Ahmed: So, and so that’s how I got of the Comedy Store, then I eventually got at the Laugh Factory and the improv and I started kinda make my way around the comedy scene and then I ended up touring the world, I got in a sitcom with Steve Burns, Vince Vaughn producer and Peter Billingsley And then you know, I just kinda made my way around Hollywood for 20 plus years and,

Captain Brien: Been touring.

Ahmed Ahmed: Touring and–

Captain Brien: Playing all the comedy clubs in the country.

Ahmed Ahmed: Playing all the comedy clubs, you know I’m really lucky to like, to have established some great relationships with, you know, awesome people like yourself. Not everybody wants to book a comic through a comic, they wanna go through an agent and a manager And, I was shocked how many club-bookers were like, yeah have your agent book me or you know, I was just like, okay, I can talk to you.

Captain Brien: Right. Well it goes the opposite way too when you reach out to a comic and they’re like, ‘hey talk to my agent.’

Ahmed Ahmed: Talk to my agent. And then you have to jump through all those groups.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Ahmed Ahmed: I guess it goes both ways.

Captain Brien: So it does go both ways. Well guys, my guest Ahmed Ahmed gonna be at Off The Hook comedy club this weekend. This is the Captain’s Log, thanks for watching. Hey Keith, before I say goodbye, I wanna say hello. I’ll see everybody tomorrow–

Ahmed Ahmed: What’s up guys.

Captain Brien: At the–

Ahmed Ahmed: Tee Bone, My buddy.

Captain Brien: Great City.canooeaces. Hey Tee Bone in the house, what’s up from Dubai. Honey, how are you?

Ahmed Ahmed: Hey guys.

Captain Brien: Anyway guys, we are out, I will be live tomorrow from the canoe races in Naples, Florida. I love you guys the most, we’re back.

Ahmed Ahmed: Thanks brother, cheers.

Captain Brien: See you tomorrow, we’re out.

Epsiode 256 Songs, Cars and Guitars!

Comedian J Chris Newberg joins the #naplescaptainslog and sings us some improv songs on his guitar! Tune in “Little Buddies!”

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!

Check Comedian J Chris Newberg out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We are live. J Chris Newberg guys, what’s happening?

J Chris Newberg: This is the brand new theme song to your show.

Captain Brien: I’m ready. I’m gonna share it.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. Tell me when you want me to start.

Captain Brien: You can start.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. ♪ We’re down in Florida ♪ ♪ That’s in Florida ♪ ♪ We’re on a podcast ♪ ♪ In a car ♪ ♪ It’s a Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ And Brien will not drive unless I’m playing ♪ ♪ My guitar ♪

Captain Brien: We have to play the guitar.

J Chris Newberg: ♪ And if you doubt how much I die if we crashed ♪ ♪ You would not be wrong ♪ ♪ What’s up with that ♪ ♪ Get your vodka ♪ ♪ Get your comedy ♪ ♪ Get your early morning radio three stops before 8:00 a.m. ♪ ♪ Oh it’s 8:39 Captain’s Log ♪

Captain Brien: Thank you, that was off the cuff buddy. Here we go.

J Chris Newberg: I think people could tell.

Captain Brien: You think, you think?

J Chris Newberg: I think they could figure it out.

Captain Brien: You don’t think that was scripted.

J Chris Newberg: No, I think it was good.

Captain Brien: Appreciate you joining me man. It wasn’t really by choice. You just have to do radio and this is what we do for touring comedians, huh?

J Chris Newberg: This is the gig.

Captain Brien: And I get you in the car so I can ask you a bunch of good questions.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, comedians with guitars getting driven.

Captain Brien: In the cars.

J Chris Newberg: In the cars.

Captain Brien: With guitars.

J Chris Newberg: With guitars.

Captain Brien: And you didn’t want a coffee this morning, huh? I asked you.

J Chris Newberg: I don’t drink coffee.

Captain Brien: I asked you if you want Dunkin’ Donuts, anything.

J Chris Newberg: Nope.

Captain Brien: Breakfast or nothing, you just go straight up.

J Chris Newberg: No I’m trying to starve myself for when I host Confetti on Wednesday.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, so is this a fast? That’s what they call it these days.

J Chris Newberg: Well no, I do the intermittent fasting. Yeah, twice a week.

Captain Brien: How does that work? Tell me what you do.

J Chris Newberg: Well you just, it’s 16 hours in between meals where all you’re allowed is water.

Captain Brien: Right.

J Chris Newberg: It’s not so hard.

Captain Brien: No it’s not that hard ’cause you do it at night. I do it actually.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah you go like, I’ll stop eating at like nine. And then I can eat at 1:00 p.m.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s not that hard.

J Chris Newberg: No and people are always so confused, they’re like, well they should call breakfast something ’cause you’re breaking a fast. I’m like, how ’bout breakfast?

Captain Brien: Yeah breakfast.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, which is another thing. It’s just like, why don’t they have a magazine about making America great again called Magazine?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I get it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, that’s a thing, that’s a thing.

Captain Brien: That should be coming.

J Chris Newberg: Shout out to Carl Rimi.

Captain Brien: Carl Rimi, comedian extraordinaire, been on the show many times, my good buddy.

J Chris Newberg: Carl, I hope he didn’t make you play guitar.

Captain Brien: No, Carl doesn’t play the guitar. Carl likes to hit the gym, works out.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, he knows about intermittent fasting.

Captain Brien: That’s right, that’s right he does, he does. So where are you coming in from?

J Chris Newberg: I was just in Los Angeles. And I flew to Florida, Flo-Rida, as the cool kids like to call it, by way of Atlanta.

Captain Brien:  Atlanta, the ATL.

J Chris Newberg: Yep, the ATL. Heard a really horrible conversation. I refer to myself as airplane Chris. When I get tired, I get irritated, like irritable. And I’m not even doin’ a bit. Like I just can’t not get annoyed out loud. And I’m a pretty calm person, but like if I haven’t slept in a bunch. There was this guy and he was hitting on this girl in front of me. You know, like when you’re in line on the jetway, and you’re just trying to get on the plane and it’s all bottlenecked and whatever. This guy’s in front of me and he’s like oh, there’s a Shake Shack here at the airport. Isn’t that weird? And she’s like, that is weird. He’s like I like Shake Shack shakes. He’s like, they’re good. She’s like, that is weird. He’s like, do you take Uber? And I was like, come on. What are you talking about?

Captain Brien: What are you doing? J Chris Newberg is our guest today on the Captain’s Log. Guys, you can find him @thechrisarmy right?

J Chris Newberg: @thechrisarmy. Shoutout to Brendan Mulvena.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Brendan Mulvena in the house watching the Captain’s Log here today. So Chris, this is what, is this your fifth or sixth time here?

J Chris Newberg: I think it’s more than that. I was two years prior to when the pipe burst in Marco Island at that house we stayed at.

Captain Brien: Oh wow, in the ceiling or whatever?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and the whole ceiling fell.

J Chris Newberg: Whole ceiling fell. I was there two years before that.

Captain Brien: Wow, that was a while ago. My goodness. So you might even have been 10 times here.

J Chris Newberg: I think so, yeah.

Captain Brien: And have we ever done the Captain’s Log?

J Chris Newberg: No, this is the first time on the Log.

Captain Brien: This is the first time on the Log man. It’s because I was kinda lazy. I would only do it randomly. I should have done it all the time though.

J Chris Newberg: First off, you’ve never been lazy. Shout out to Vicki Baker.

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki.

J Chris Newberg: You’ve never been lazy. Every time I come in town you’re like, oh I got this new thing. I invented the straw, you know. Or like oh, have you thought about putting, you know, iPads on top of the roof of your car so that like planes can see. You’re a hustler.

Captain Brien: I know, I know. I’m always coming up with something. Imagine if I acted on everything that I thought of though.

J Chris Newberg: I mean, there’s time.

Captain Brien: There is, there is. I try to do as much as I can, but I can’t do it all. It’s the story of my life.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, it’s crazy.

Captain Brien: One day, something’s gonna hit big though.

J Chris Newberg: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna hit big, big time.

J Chris Newberg: I believe in it.

Captain Brien: You know, I’m pushing this vodka right now.

J Chris Newberg: Oh that’s right you have vodka.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

J Chris Newberg: Sugar free, is it better? Or is it competitive with Tito’s?

Captain Brien: It is. It’s actually very similar because the style of distilling that Tito’s does, we do the same thing. Although, we’re 26 calories less than Tito’s. I don’t want to brag but.

J Chris Newberg: No, you don’t need to. It brags itself.

Captain Brien: It’s organic and it’s all Florida made.

J Chris Newberg: You’re using all the right buzzwords.

Captain Brien: We are, we are.

J Chris Newberg: Do you only use that vodka in your restaurant?

Captain Brien: I do, I do.

J Chris Newberg: So no one can, if I come in, I’m like, I’d like a Tito’s.

Captain Brien: We have Tito’s and we have well. But for the most part, everything is, all of our specialty drinks are Captain Briens. All my gin, my rum, my vodka, my dark rum. It’s all made like that.

J Chris Newberg: Do you have a to-go license? Can people buy it there?

Captain Brien: I sell it in almost 70 stores in Florida and I just broke out of maybe about 180 new stores that are signed to deal with. Can you play me a tune?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah absolutely.

Captain Brien: Dude, play me something that, I love some of the new stuff.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. You want me to leave the, do you want me to do.

Captain Brien: No, you can go full on baby, full on. This is the Log.

J Chris Newberg: It’s the log.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

J Chris Newberg: Okay, all right how ’bout this one. Okay, I’ll do the voicemail one that I just did.

Captain Brien: Oh I like that one.

J Chris Newberg: This should be everybody’s outgoing voicemail because everybody hates when people call them. ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ And I hate that you called ♪ ♪ If you leave a voicemail ♪ ♪ I’ll kick you in the balls ♪ ♪ Nevermind, just hang up ♪ ♪ I hate you now ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Nevermind, I blocked you ♪ There you go, it’s short.

Captain Brien: People aren’t leaving messages anymore right? You call. If you do want to talk to ’em, you call. And then when the message comes on, you immediately hang up and you send ’em a text.

J Chris Newberg: It’s lazy.

Captain Brien: Isn’t that how it works?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, why not just send ’em a text?

Captain Brien: I think because if you want to get something out right away and you’re driving, you call. Otherwise, I think you do send a text.

J Chris Newberg: I think that’s the way to go. I do a lot of the voice texting.

Captain Brien: I do the video. Like if I’m driving, I just put on record, send a video, like hey, this is me, this is what I want to tell you. And you are gonna click on this message and watch it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah that’s great.

Captain Brien: That’s how I do it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I do it. It’s like it’s super old school and everything. But you know, it’s easier if I’m driving. Are you allowed to text in Florida?

Captain Brien: You are, but I put the phone right there, and I just hit play and record.

J Chris Newberg: That’s crazy.

Captain Brien: Boom and I just do it and talk.

J Chris Newberg: That’s nuts.

Captain Brien: It’s good though. I love the technology these days.

J Chris Newberg: Technology’s huge. Can you imagine when you were younger, when you were growing up and you were on the bike, or the scooter, or the skateboard? Side note, I think the hardest part about scooters is that people have to see you on them.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s the roughest.

J Chris Newberg: That’s the worst thing. When you were, you know, at your wee smallest, did you ever think, hey there’s gonna be a time in my life where I’m driving, I’m on the phone doing a podcast, pitching a vodka I’ve created, and then on my way to another radio station to promote so people come out to my restaurant comedy club and it’s all technology?

Captain Brien: No I did not ever think of those scenarios together.

J Chris Newberg: What was the dream? Like, what did you want to be?

Captain Brien: A chef.

J Chris Newberg: A chef.

Captain Brien: I wanted to be a chef and I wanted to have a restaurant. And I accomplished that pretty quick. I mean, when I was 23, I think I was 23 and I opened up my first restaurant in Marco Island. So that was done. The dream was met. And then it’s never stopped.

J Chris Newberg: Okay the brand new dream. So once you hit the goal, is it like Mr. Jones from Counting Crows? You’ve got all your dreams come true and then you hit a new.

Captain Brien: I like the struggle, yeah. I like the struggle of getting there. And then I kind of, I feel like the novelty wears off a little bit once it gets to the plateau of success. I want to go on to the next thing. But I always have to have a couple little irons in the fire at once. That keeps me goin’.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I get bored. Like I mean, it’s not just music, or just standup, or just writing. If I’m on the road, I want to be on a show. If I’m on a show, I want to be on the road. I want to be writing. I want to do all that other stuff. So yeah.

Captain Brien: So your recently started a new podcast.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, my podcast is fun. You guys should check it out, Heroin Has a Great Publicist. It’s about things that are fucked that people do anyway. And if anybody who is listening to this show or watching on my page, shout out to the addicts. What up kids, what up fam? It’s such a fun thing. It’s like, regardless of how many people are watching or listening, there’s something so powerful and honest about being able to do a podcast ’cause you’re just talking. Like the people who listen, whether it’s the seven now live, or 700, however many it is that it ends up being, they come to you. Maybe not all at once, but when they have time. It’s just like things you download. But they’re legit fans. And they want to be there. They want content.

Captain Brien: And they interact and they send you messages and it’s fun. It’s like a whole family. You call it The Chris Army.

J Chris Newberg: I do, I call The Chris Army.

Captain Brien: How’d you come up with that?

J Chris Newberg: I hated my last name. I don’t really hate it. But it’s like it’s not memorable because I have the pretentious first initial J, born James, go by Chris. So I was J Chris Newberg. Which arguably could be as Mellencamp popular if I became huge. But it’s not the most immediately memorable. You know, it’s like the Yngwie Malmsteen of like names. You know, Brien Spina, that’s sharp. Then you got the Captain. It’s there, you’re already there.

Captain Brien: It’s all three?

J Chris Newberg: Yes.

Captain Brien: I need something for my followers. I keep asking somebody to name the followers. What are they gonna be called?

J Chris Newberg: The little buddies.

Captain Brien: The little buddies.

J Chris Newberg: my God, that’s great. The little buddies.

Captain Brien: That’s what we should be?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah the little buddies.

Captain Brien: I like that.

J Chris Newberg: I’m a little buddy. Yeah, ’cause it’s full on Gilligan’s Island.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh I get it. And so they’re all like little captains.

J Chris Newberg: They’re all little Gilligans. Oh you could call ’em Gilligans. No, I think little buddies.

Captain Brien: The little buddies is good, but I didn’t get it until you said it full on.

J Chris Newberg: But it’s catchy. Watch Captain’s Log. What’s up little buddies, huge.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s cute, it’s cute.

J Chris Newberg: My fans are junkies or addicts. Not legit, but that’s what they go by. And you know, it’s a thing. And then you get like, it’ll be like, it could be a hashtag. Watch Captain’s Log, #LB. You can have little buddy events.

Captain Brien: Little buddy events, I like this.

J Chris Newberg: Then soon you can get in with your little buddy card.

Captain Brien: Oh like a VIP buddy.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, like if you want to come to the show and you want to buy a bottle of vodka, you get 10% off with your little buddy card.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s called the Captain’s Circle. I already have that.

J Chris Newberg: All right, well you know what, you need something.

Captain Brien: It’s an annual membership.

J Chris Newberg: It’s not gonna fly for the podcast.

Captain Brien: No, no.

J Chris Newberg:You’re not gonna be like, what up circlers? That not gonna work.

Captain Brien: What up roundabouts?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah roundabouts is good, roundabouts is good. That sounds very Beach Boys song.

Captain Brien: So what’s next for you man? You got this new Facebook show which is cool.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I’m working on Confetti and that’s fun.

Captain Brien: Tell me the premises of the show because I wasn’t sure when you first said it. ‘Cause I’ve never seen it but I know it’s really popular. And I have to now watch it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, Confetti’s super popular. It’s a game show that you play on your phone. Your phone is your remote control. It’s touchscreen. Couldn’t be easier. It’s like a 20 minute show. You start off, host comes on, he tells jokes, he gives you shoutouts.

Captain Brien: So when the show, wait, when the show comes live, Facebook has something on your phone that they can touch?

J Chris Newberg: They send you a notification. They’re like hey, Confetti’s live. So you just click on the notification. It takes you to the Facebook page and you just hit play. So it’s not as simple as like an HQ as far as technology ’cause we don’t have our own separate app. There’s actually two steps. However, you know, you follow it and, you know, it gives you the notification, you click on it. Next thing you know you’re playing 10 pop culture trivia questions. Sometimes the shows are themed. Like we had a Star Wars episode the other day and a teacher’s episode yesterday.

Captain Brien: Was that for May the 4th be with you?

J Chris Newberg: It was.

Captain Brien: Ah, I took a good guess there.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, we get good numbers. And sometimes we’ll give away $50,000. Sometimes we’ll give away 15 and five usually. But it’s definitely, like tonight’s episode is 10,000.

Captain Brien: And you have like hundreds of thousands of people watch.

J Chris Newberg: We do not have that much. We have like around 30,000 per episode live. And then people who watch the show afterwards, it’s like three, 400,000. Yeah, but they can’t win if they’re not playing live.

Captain Brien: They have to play live to win.

J Chris Newberg: To win, yeah.

Captain Brien: So once they see the show though, I can imagine that they’re dying to play live the next time.

J Chris Newberg: Everybody gets hooked.

Captain Brien: Everybody, right.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I mean it’s like it’s fun.

Captain Brien: This sounds awesome.

J Chris Newberg: It’s a more fun version of HQ.

Captain Brien: I do on Saturday morning, sometimes, I do barter with the captain. So they can barter with me anything they want. So if they want to get vodka, or tickets, or I have gift cards, or I even have like stuff laying around the house. They can barter with me like stuff that they have and I trade ’em out. And people like to do that.

J Chris Newberg: That’s awesome.

Captain Brien: It’s fun, I think that’s really, a lot of entertainment is gonna be coming this way I think.

J Chris Newberg: I mean I think, well there’s a new platform that’s hitting January 1st, 2020. It’s called Quibi. Quibi I want to say is Jeffrey Katzenberg’s new entertainment arm. And there’s over a billion dollars and it’s going to be basically an entertainment app on your phone. But you’re like, oh I don’t want another one. There’s too much stuff. There’s never too much stuff if the stuff that’s coming out is good.

Captain Brien: Correct.

J Chris Newberg: You know, you could have a show on Instagram Story. You could technically watch a Game of Thrones on Instagram Story if it were good enough.

Captain Brien: Correct.

J Chris Newberg: So Quibi’s coming out and it’s like they’re looking for content like crazy. What they’re doing is they’re slimming down different formats. They’re taking like, let’s say you say, like an at midnight show, which before was 24 minutes on Comedy Central. Now they’re gonna do a four minute version of Quibi so people can just watch it for four minutes, eat up the content, like it, go boom. And they’re gonna make just as much money off a billion views on a three minute clip as they’re going to on a 23 minute clip. And my theory for that is like the 5-hour Energy drink has ruined and recreated all content because people don’t have time anymore, or we convince ourselves that we don’t have time because we’re being showered with all of this content. And it’s like, so it’s like, if you say to somebody, oh watch this episode. How long is it is the first thing that they say.

Captain Brien: And then when they start watching, they like it. They like it, oh my God. This guy, what’s he doing? He’s like cuttin’ that guy off. They like it, but why do they immediately already start looking for other things.

J Chris Newberg: ‘Cause it’s habit.

Captain Brien: They go to their phone. They’re like oh I love this clip, watch this. And while you’re watching it, you ever have somebody already scroll to something else. I’m like you just told me to watch it. You can’t even stay on the phone. That’s what my kids do. That’s how they work, their generation.

J Chris Newberg: I think honestly, the most popular channel on Netflix is not watching Netflix, but scrolling looking for different things to watch and not clicking. We have such commitment issues caused by such overwhelming amounts of content.

Captain Brien: I agree, I agree. We’re in Estero, Florida now guys. We just left Fort Myers. We left 105.5 The Beat. We’re heading to 1039, Big Mama And The WiLD Bunch. And this is the Captain’s Log. I got J Chris Newberg performing live at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow, two shows. It’s a pleasure to have you Chris.

J Chris Newberg: Thanks for having me.

Captain Brien: I love always talking to you. But more importantly, can we get out with a song. Can we crank it up buddy?

J Chris Newberg: Another one?

Captain Brien: This guy’s the best, yes.

J Chris Newberg: ♪ You should call your fans ♪ ♪ Little buddies ♪ that’s it.

Captain Brien: That’s it guys, the Captain’s Log. We’re live and we are out. Be good, we’ll be back tomorrow. Have a good day.