Epsiode 262 Show Me Your Naples!

Comedian Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-E rides along with Captain B as they rap some tunes for the #naplescaptainslog

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Eric Schwartz: ♪ I’m sad ♪ ♪ Drippin’ in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ Need advice ♪ ♪ Hit up TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Ooh the happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Is it true? ♪ ♪ The land of the snowboards ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles ♪ ♪ Into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ ♪ If you don’t have a nice car ♪ ♪ You probably ain’t from Naples ♪ ♪ Where they live up to the name ♪ ♪ Of the knee-high acres ♪ ♪ If don’t root for the Pats ♪ ♪ You’re a straight-up traitor ♪ ♪ Where they release pets to the Everglades ♪ ♪ And they have bunch of chupacabras and skunk apes ♪ ♪ I’m hype with the trip ♪ ♪ But I gotta ask the people ♪ ♪ If I do make the visit ♪ ♪ You gotta show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Where 69 degrees means it’s winter season ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Up in Immokalee they got the orange juice squeezin’ ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Myers is lovely but also kinda foggy ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ They act all boujee ’til they hit the clubs ♪ ♪ But they got a lot of sea shells ♪ ♪ Even more golf courses ♪ ♪ Keeping them exclusive security forces ♪ ♪ Got kicked off the fairway ♪ ♪ Wasn’t fair ♪ ♪ They were like sir ♪ ♪ This is a cemetery ♪ ♪ Oops my bad ♪ ♪ They’re both green lawns ♪ ♪ One’s eighteen holes ♪ ♪ One’s a whole four one ♪ ♪ But now my golf cart’s dead ♪ ♪ Do you have jumper cables? ♪ ♪ And while you’re at it ♪ ♪ Why don’t you show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Misery Nap ♪ ♪ Down the cape in the rock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Got the beaches on fleek ♪ ♪ Grandparents on lock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Giving that shine ♪ ♪ To the two three nine ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me yours ♪ ♪ I’ll show you mine ♪ ♪ Oh you know it’s on ♪ ♪ We got Brian Spina on the Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ Stop drop and laugh ♪ ♪ That’s how we do it in the present ♪ ♪ Never the past ♪ ♪ We goin’ to the future ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ We got y’all tunin’ in ♪ ♪ And how are you doin’ today ♪ ♪ It’s a nice day ♪ ♪ It’s a Thursday ♪ ♪ Oo-Wee hey ♪

Captain Brien: Now that’s a frickin’ intro, dude.

Eric Schwartz: That’s how we do it.

Captain Brien: I need that every time. Welcome to the Captain’s Log, guys. Eric Schwartz is live,

Eric Schwartz: What’s up, dude?

Captain Brien: What’s up, buddy.

Eric Schwartz: Two hands on the wheel.

Captain Brien: Love it. I know, I know, look, I’m gonna turn on auto-drive, so we’re good.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be half-driving auto.

Eric Schwartz: You have a self-driving car already?

Captain Brien: A little bit-

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien: A little bit.

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien:It’ll do halfway.

Eric Schwartz: This is the biggest multitasker on the internet. He’s running a comedy club, he’s going live, he’s taking the comedian to radio, and he’s driving.

Captain Brien: They’re gonna have to pay attention to the road.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and driving a coffee.

Captain Brien: And drink.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and drink. I feel secure in this guy’s hands because I’ve watched him on the Captain’s Log, we were having a conversation on the way up here, and I went like this, I went like this: “Are we on the air right now?”

Captain Brien: It wasn’t live, it wasn’t.

Eric Schwartz: It wasn’t live, so I dropped my f-bombs.

Captain Brien: You keep it smooth though.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So we were just talking about this, you literally haven’t, this is the first appearance-

Eric Schwartz: On the Captain’s Log, yes.

Captain Brien: On the show, and we’ve been working together for, what?

Eric Schwartz: I think I was maybe in your first year you ever did comedy.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so like 14 years we’ve been together.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, when you were in Marco Island. Fourteen years? Has it been fourteen years? Dude, we’re getting old.

Eric Schwartz: What?

Captain Brien: We’re getting old.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s been a while. Hey Kelsey, what’s up? Hey Mary, how’re you guys doing? Thank you for watching. Eric Schwartz is our guest. Tell them how they can find you on Instagram and Facebook, because you post amazing content, you’re a multi-medium.

Eric Schwartz: Multi-comedian.

Captain Brien: Oh, I got it wrong.

Eric Schwartz: No, it’s okay.

Captain Brien: It’s something you made up, ’cause that’s not in the English Dictionary.

Eric Schwartz: No, not yet, not yet.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s coming.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, but multi-media meets comedy, that’s the show that I’m doing at the moment, it’s a really fun show, music, as you just saw, visuals, as you will see in the future, and stand-up comedy. At the base it’s stand-up comedy, and then it bridges off into all these cool fun things. But you can find me on Instagram, @eeericschwartz, with three e’s, e-e-e-r-i-c s-c-h-w-a-r-t-z-

Captain Brien: So fun to watch, guys, always doing something creative, something original. How’d you get into comedy?

Eric Schwartz: I started, actually, on the pool deck with my swim buddies, and I loved SNL, I loved stand-up, and I would recite other peoples’ material to my friends in high school, and they were like, “You’re funny, you should be a comedian,” and I never really took it seriously, I was like “I don’t have any of my own material”, and I started writing stuff down, and when I got to college, I’ve always been like a self-starter, so I would put on my own shows in the dorms, and I did a-

Captain Brien: I always threw my own parties, too,

Eric Schwartz: Did you?

Captain Brien: So maybe that’s why I do the comedy club thing, ’cause I’m still having a party every weekend.

Eric Schwartz: It’s kind of an extension of your high school self.

Captain Brien: It is.

Eric Schwartz: Except now, your parents can come home, you’ll be fine. I saw your parents last night at the club.

Captain Brien: They’re awesome, they’re there every night, they never not laugh.

Eric Schwartz: They’re awesome.

Captain Brien: They love every joke, even if they see it 10 times.

Eric Schwartz: I would come here, honestly, I would come here even if I weren’t performing for your restaurant.

Captain Brien: Thanks, man.

Eric Schwartz: It is so-

Captain Brien: I appreciate that.

Eric Schwartz: Because your mom’s key lime pie?

Captain Brien: The best.

Eric Schwartz: Dude, can I send one of those home?

Captain Brien: You can .

Eric Schwartz: Can I really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: For real? Yeah, we’re good, I’ll send you home with some key lime pie, some vodka, some rum, you’ll be Captain Brian all around.

Eric Schwartz: I talk about it so much, my girlfriend, sorry ladies, my girlfriend-

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s taken, ladies.

Eric Schwartz: I felt-

Captain Brien: Damn! Talk about a buzzkill on the Log, bro.

Eric Schwartz: I’m sorry, dude.

Captain Brien: That’s horrible.

Eric Schwartz: I just- She likes when I talk about her now because it was getting crazy.

Captain Brien: Too much.

Eric Schwartz: It was too much.

Captain Brien: They want the baldness.

Eric Schwartz: Is that what it is?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is, I mean, people do want to touch this, you know? They want this in their lives, and-

Captain Brien: All up in their lives.

Eric Schwartz: But to be honest, you don’t know, as a bald guy, you don’t have a problem-

Captain Brien: I’m getting there, I could be close. I’m trying to save it, though, I’ve been doing all kinds of stuff.

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did the injections, the PRP, where they take the white blood cells out of your blood, and they put it back in.

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m doing it, man.

Eric Schwartz: Wow, stem cells and the like, is that what that is?

Captain Brien: Well, it’s the PRP, it’s the white blood cells, yes, of your blood, which is the healing power, and it’s like magic for everything.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my god!

Captain Brien: We can do everything these days.

Eric Schwartz: Can they put them in your eyes?

Captain Brien: They put them in literally your joints, they put them in your junk, anywhere they put ’em, it helps it.

Eric Schwartz: Oh my, wow!

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Eric Schwartz: These are sealed over, though, there’s no coming back.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s waxed.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is waxed, this is like if you’ve laminated paper, there’s no way you can get it out. But, I mean, people want to touch it all the time, and I know that you feel like it has magical powers or something, it doesn’t, like you’re not gonna feel it and be like “I felt a kick!”

Captain Brien: Nah, it’s not like a baby.

Eric Schwartz: It’s not like a baby.

Captain Brien: It looks so smooth, though!

Eric Schwartz: It does, it does, it looks smooth, it is smooth-

Captain Brien: I wouldn’t look as good-

Eric Schwartz: I just shaved it.

Captain Brien: As you, though, if I shaved, if I went bald, there’s no way I could pull it off, I don’t think, so I’m worried.

Eric Schwartz: You’d be fine! You’d be fine. As long as you don’t have a pug handle-

Captain Brien: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have that. Do they get that from, is that like a muscle, fat, or just inherited?

Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, it’s just-

Captain Brien: I don’t have that.

Eric Schwartz: Sometimes, yeah, people just get like a pug pattern.

Captain Brien: What if they have a couple? Like it’s kind of cute to look at a couple.

Eric Schwartz: It is.

Captain Brien: A couple rolls in the back?

Eric Schwartz: I feel like I wanna take those guys and pick them up by the back of their necks.

Captain Brien: But they’re usually kind of big dudes.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, they are.

Captain Brien: You never see a little dude with a bunch of little-

Eric Schwartz: You really don’t. Like Brad Williams? That’s be cute.

Captain Brien: We love Brad.

Eric Schwartz: Shoutout to Brad.

Captain Brien: Didn’t we do a show with Brad here with you or no?

Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, we used to do a lot of shows together, like in LA, the format is a little different with standup, where you do what’s called showcase style, and it’s like a bunch of people on a show, and we used to do a ton of shows together, and always really funny, and then his first special, I was doing interviews, it was at a comedy festival, and if you look at his first special, I think I’m in the intro interviewing him.

Captain Brien: Oh really?

Eric Schwartz: Like for a second.

Captain Brien: That’s awesome, that’s like your big credit?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, that’s my credit.

Captain Brien: That’s your cred, dog, street cred.

Eric Schwartz: That’s my cred.

Captain Brien: You got another song you wanna play for me?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, let’s do it.

Captain Brien: This guy can sing, he can dance, he can rap, he can give you tech support.

Eric Schwartz: That’s true.

Captain Brien: Right?

Eric Schwartz: I represent for the underrepresented.

Captain Brien: It’s what it is.

Eric Schwartz: I feel that myself, and there’s a lot of hip-hop that I love, but it doesn’t represent everybody, like every song you hear about women is always about women with big butts, which is great-

Captain Brien: I cannot lie.

Eric Schwartz: I can’t lie, right? My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

Captain Brien: Hey, Mandy, Jose, what’s happening? So before you start the song, I want to tell you that, one, I think you’re my sister’s and my niece’s favorite comic.

Eric Schwartz: Serious?

Captain Brien: Yeah, my sister, Charlene, and my niece Ariana, they were texting me this morning, “Oh my god, Eric’s in town! “That’s so great! “When is he coming back?”, they told me-

Eric Schwartz: Already?

Captain Brien: Your number one fans,

Eric Schwartz: Okay.

Captain Brien: No, before I bought you in.

Captain Brien: Number one fans, they actually fanboy on you, and they made me bring you back.

Eric Schwartz: Nice!

Captain Brien: Not that I wasn’t gonna, but they were begging, like, “When is he coming back? “We have to have him.” They love the songs, so hit me with a beat.

Eric Schwartz: Okay, so this one is for all the girls that don’t have the big butts, okay? You’re a flat booty girl in a fat booty world, this one is for you. ♪ Flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ ♪ She’s a flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ I learned this dance right here from 2 Chainz, you know 2 Chainz?

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s how it is?

Eric Schwartz: Yeah. ♪ No tushy ♪ ♪ No booty ♪ ♪ No buttocks ♪ ♪ No bottom ♪ ♪ Flat like an iPad ♪ ♪ Apple bottom ♪ ♪ Don’t get me wrong ♪ ♪ I love ’em big and round ♪ ♪ But when she droppin’ low ♪ ♪ She got the same curves as the ground ♪ ♪ Sometimes I get tired ♪ ♪ That girl sat on my jacket ♪ ♪ It came out ironed ♪ ♪ She save a lot of space ♪ ♪ Without the big ol’ booty ♪ ♪ Her butt fits in a cup holder at the movies ♪ ♪ She got a shinin’ like a tiny diamond ♪ ♪ Took as long to find it ♪ ♪ As it took to find Bin Laden ♪ ♪ She got me reaching for the bee sting ♪ ♪ Makin’ g-strings out of tea string ♪ ♪ She makin’ skinny jeans baggy ♪ ♪ Lady where that ass be ♪ ♪ Makin’ Paris Hilton ♪ ♪ Look like Kim Kardashi ♪ ♪ And when she bent over for a spanking ♪ ♪ I thought she was blanking ♪ ♪ ‘Cause she’s a flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Jew Chainz ♪ That’s me, Jew Chainz, all right.

Captain Brien: That’s a good jam.

Eric Schwartz: Thanks, it’s for everybody. ♪ I’m talkin’ white girls ♪ ♪ Black girls ♪ ♪ Especially my Asians ♪ ♪ Bring that flat booty to ♪

Captain Brien: I like this.

Eric Schwartz: ♪ This caucasian ♪ ♪ Latin girls with no curves ♪ ♪ Mommy let me see your ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damilas tortillas ♪ ♪ Middle Eastern girls ♪ ♪ If your figure ain’t the fullest ♪ ♪ Bring me the pita ♪ ♪ I got the hummus ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ We’re making it flatter ♪ ♪ You got the pancakes ♪ ♪ I got the batter ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ That’s for all y’all.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

Eric Schwartz: Out there.

Captain Brien: Any booty’s a good booty.

Eric Schwartz: Any booty’s a good booty.

Captain Brien: I don’t have to hate on a booty if it’s not big. I’m not a big booty guy.

Eric Schwartz: You’re not?

Captain Brien: No, no.

Eric Schwartz: Too much butt?

Captain Brien: Too much butt is too much for me.

Eric Schwartz: Too much for you, I like all kinds of booty. If you have a big butt, don’t think that I don’t like you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean I like big butts, and I cannot lie.

Eric Schwartz: Don’t lie.

Captain Brien: A small butt’s still good, like I’m not gonna hate on a little booty.

Eric Schwartz: It’s what’s inside the butt- oh no, that doesn’t really make sense.

Captain Brien: No, it’s not .

Eric Schwartz: Not really.

Captain Brien: April, what’s what’s goin’ on? Mandy, thank you for watching. Smooth E, AKA Eric Schwartz, Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend, he’s on the Captain’s Log right now, guys, let us know where you’re watching from, your favorite comedian-rapper ever, I know. So do you write these lyrics all the time?

Captain Brien: What do you do?

Eric Schwartz: Yes, so, like, for example, the Naples song that I did-

Captain Brien: You were like “Yo, B, “I’m gonna write a-” I don’t know if you really said “Yo, B-”

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, I did.

Captain Brien: You did? I tried to make that sound cool.

Eric Schwartz: When you said it-

Captain Brien: You were like, “Hey, I wanna write a song about Naples “and what should I say?”, and I gave you a couple hints, and then you, dude, you blew it up, you ran with it. You showed everyone your Naples.

Eric Schwartz: I just showed my Naples. I just showed my Naples. So I research it, like I ask people who live in the city, I’ve done probably about a dozen of these songs about places-

Captain Brien: It’s a great date, too.

Eric Schwartz: Thank you.

Captain Brien: I’m one to promote, but then everyone wants to get behind it, because you’re talking about their town!

Eric Schwartz: That’s what I want,

Captain Brien: Genius!

Eric Schwartz: Thank you, I wanna show love for the places that I’m performing, and, you know, ingratiate myself into your graces, and I really do hope that you like it and I can represent it, and I wanna get those things that only people that live there would know, you know? That’s why I do research on the internet, but then I also ask people that live there what is the gist of the town, you know?

Captain Brien: I got people watching right now from Palm Springs, Cali-

Eric Schwartz: Wow, I live near there.

Captain Brien: Homer, New York, right? Mandy’s watching, let’s see-

Eric Schwartz: San Diego, cool!

Captain Brien: Aaron’s in San Diego. And yeah, guys, what’s happening, thanks for watching, we’re in Naples, Florida. This ain’t a bad place to live though, huh?

Eric Schwartz: No, it’s great, I love it. I was in San Diego, I was just in San Diego, I flew to visit my mom and my stepfather in Mexico-

Captain Brien: What part of Mexico?

Eric Schwartz: They live in a city called San Miguel De Allende.

Captain Brien: I was gonna say that,

Eric Schwartz: You were gonna say that?

Captain Brien: That was my first guess.

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, after Cancun? But it’s in the middle of the country in a state called Guanajuato.

Captain Brien: Oh, wow. Do they have good tapatio?

Eric Schwartz: Oh man, they got better than tapatio, they’ve got- the salsa there, I didn’t care what my stomach said, I just kept eating the salsa.

Captain Brien: Really?

Eric Schwartz: It was delicious, yeah.

Captain Brien: The tomatoes, they’re raised in Immokalee, right here in Immokalee, Florida, I wonder if they’re shipped to Mexico to make all those beautiful salsas.

Eric Schwartz: I think they might have tomatoes down there.

Captain Brien: They got their own tomatoes.

Eric Schwartz: They might have their own tomatoes down there.

Captain Brien: That’s probably the only other place that literally competes with Immokalee. You know that most of the tomatoes in the whole world come from there?

Eric Schwartz: Really?

Captain Brien: As well as oranges.

Eric Schwartz: Like romas?

Captain Brien: No, we do, I forget which ones we grow, exactly, but you guys can tell us, maybe, which ones we grow here in Immokalee, but we grow juicing oranges, and as the smog covers the road , I don’t know what just happened.

Eric Schwartz: There’s a truck that’s vaping.

Captain Brien: Like vaping on fire, obviously. But we grow juicing oranges, and we grow tomatoes.

Eric Schwartz: Cool.

Captain Brien: Like, for the whole world.

Eric Schwartz: I feel like I want Immokalee to grow broccoli, just for the rhyme. That’s the rhyme nerd in me.

Captain Brien: That would be great, yeah. That would be great, it really would.

Eric Schwartz: So I speak Spanish, and when I went down there, it was like I thought I spoke Spanish-

Captain Brien: Did you grow up speaking Spanish in your house?

Eric Schwartz: A little bit, but you know, just basic stuff, but I studied it in school, and then I learned the cultural stuff from my stepdad, and now I have this series called “Cultura”-

Captain Brien: Right, which is awesome.

Eric Schwartz: Aw, thanks, man.

Captain Brien: And dude, so I was just thinking you were just really smart and a really good actor, but now it’s like in the family. I can’t give you all the props but that is so funny when you do the mariachi and stuff.

Eric Schwartz: Oh, you saw the mariachi?

Captain Brien: Yeah, dude, great!

Eric Schwartz: So I have this video where I sing mariachi in a Mexican restaurant karaoke night, and I do this really tongue-twistery song, I’ll do a little sample of it, it’s called “El aventurero”:

Captain Brien: When you went off in the restaurant with that song, people were like “This dude really knows it?”

Eric Schwartz: They were like “What?” So the first time I heard that song was where my mom lives, in San Miguel de Allende-

Captain Brien: And how did you learn that song?

Eric Schwartz: I heard it, I’m like “That sounds really hard. “That sounds hard to sing. “I’m gonna learn it.” And I just-

Captain Brien: That is the nerd in you.

Eric Schwartz: Repetition, repetition, when I’m driving around, I’ll be playing songs in my car, and I try to do it, so here’s my method, I have one, I call it “training wheels”, okay, where it’s like the song with the lyrics on it, like for example, I’ll do it for you right now.

Captain Brien: Okay, let’s go.

Eric Schwartz: Here’s “Show Me Your Naples” here’s my training wheels song, ready?

Captain Brien: Here we go, we’re bringing it home.

Eric Schwartz:♪ Dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice, hit up TripAdvisor ♪ See, it has the words on it, training wheels. ♪ Happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ And then eventually, I’m like this: ♪ I’m sad, dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice ♪ Instrumental! ♪ TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida, is it true ♪

Captain Brien: When the beat drops.

Eric Schwartz:♪ The land of the surfers ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Oh those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ Et cetera.

Captain Brien: Dude, it’s just so dope! If I could rap or sing or play an instrument, I would just go around rapping everywhere. I would just be like “Ah, there’s Captain B, he’s rapping again.”

Eric Schwartz: I’m not using my powers like I should.

Captain Brien: You should, you should.

Eric Schwartz: ♪ From now on, it’s on. ♪ ♪ It’s like a sauna ♪ ♪ And I’m just gonna ♪ ♪ Rap every word I can ♪ ♪ Everywhere I slam ♪ ♪ Everywhere I am ♪ ♪ Bam ♪

Captain Brien: I would just be like spittin’ lyrics everywhere, dude. It would be off.

Eric Schwartz: It would be off.

Captain Brien: Then it wouldn’t be fair to the other dudes-

Eric Schwartz: It really wouldn’t.

Captain Brien: It’d be like, “Aw, Captain B’s rapping again”.

Eric Schwartz: “Why is the Captain rappin’?”

Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, you know. ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪

Captain Brien: All right, guys, we’re gonna wrap this up, speaking of rapping.

Eric Schwartz: All right.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on B1039, Big Momma and the Wild Bunch-

Eric Schwartz: Oh, all up in my own-

Captain Brien: Getting us on right now, You forgot he was in town this weekend, Lindsey, hello, don’t you dare forget about Smooth E, nobody forgets Smooth E.

Eric Schwartz: Nobody forgets, Lindsey.

Captain Brien: God.

Eric Schwartz: Monastery.

Captain Brien: The baldness is just life-changing.

Eric Schwartz: I tried to an impression of Big Mama, and it really hurt my voice.

Captain Brien: Did it?

Eric Schwartz: I went like this: “Hey, it’s Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.” Right?

Captain Brien: And then you had to wet your whistle?

Eric Schwartz: And I was like “Aw man, I can’t hack that.”

Captain Brien: Hey guys, this is the Captain’s Log, we are gonna go live right now on B1039, we just left 1055 The Beat, and I’m happy to have our comedian Eric Schwartz performing live all weekend, Off the Hook Comedy Club, get your tickets at offthehookcomedy.com, but more importantly, my buddy now, I appreciate being a friend of yours-

Eric Schwartz: Dude, likewise.

Captain Brien: It’s been a long time now, and I thank you for always being there.

Eric Schwartz: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Keep the funny going, man.

Eric Schwartz: I love the show, thanks for having me on.

Captain Brien: We’re in, we’re out, we’re done.

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