Monthly Archives: January 2019

S2:E12 The Captain’s Log with Kelsey Craft and Captain Brien!



Captain Brien gets the opportunity to interview a beauty queen! Miss Estero, Kelsey Craft, joins Captain Brien to discuss what it was like being a part of the Miss Florida competition. Kelsey finished in the top 5!!!

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BOSq4lBmCE&t=59s

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PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back, this show is just for the guys. This is Miss Estero,Kelsey Craft who just competed in Miss Florida USA, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, last weekend.

Captain Brien: I’m so excited. Kelsey’s been on the show many times but I don’t think you ever sat shotgun, did you?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, when I gave you your Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh, you did when you gave me the Botox.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: All right. So now it’s all about you today, it’s all about you.

Kelsey Craft: Uh oh.

Captain Brien: Yes, I need to know all the good stuff. So you competed. First of all, you did a whole regiment getting up, getting ready for this?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How long did you get ready for it? Tell me the moves.

Kelsey Craft: You know, it was a lot of mental preparation, but I think I officially decided to compete in September.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And originally, the pageant was supposed to be in November and they pushed it back to January. So I had a little more time to mentally prepare, and physically prepare.

Captain Brien: Oh wow, they moved it? I got a little lucky. Yeah, they did.

Kelsey Craft: Why’d they move it?

Captain Brien: Because the Chrisley’s, you know from Chrisley Knows Best, Todd Chrisley, they own that franchise, the Florida USA. So Chrisley productions was putting it on and based on their production team and stuff, they needed a preview day.

Captain Brien: Gotcha. The damn production always screws things up. It screws up my comedy shows, it screws up everything. The only production team I really like is the one on the Captains Log.

Kelsey Craft: Oh okay, of course.

Captain Brien: It’s like legit.

Kelsey Craft: You’re hard to please.

Captain Brien: Yeah. They always are on time. They know what I wanna know. They know what I’m thinkin’. It’s amazing.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah well, but you wouldn’t do good in pageants then because a lot of is hurry up, wait, and do the things that you need to do to be a part of a team that’s making a production.

Captain Brien: All right, so tell me you put your mind to it. You were like, you told me like, Captain, I’m gonna do, I’m gonna run, this is my last time. Because I guess they have a certain restrictions, correct?

Kelsey Craft: Gosh, I know. I don’t know who decided that a random age of under 28 is the requirement to be a Miss, but.

Captain Brien: Wow, right?

Kelsey Craft: I aged out, yeah.

Captain Brien: So, you basically started, you started working out, I know that.

Kelsey Craft: I didn’t start working out.

Captain Brien: No, but you got serious about it.

Kelsey Craft: You know, the working out has never been an issue, it’s the meal preparation.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: It really is. When you’ve been active your whole life, that people talk about like the last five pounds and things like that.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: To be stage ready versus, Florida beach ready is a different concept.

Captain Brien: So wait, so there’s two different ones?

Kelsey Craft: I think so, yeah.

Captain Brien: We need to post a before and after like the Florida beach picture versus stage picture. So you’re skinnier on the stage one or the beach one?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Which one is better?

Kelsey Craft: Stage.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause there’s a difference between okay, I’m goin’ to the beach, I’m minding my own business and like laying there, I don’t care what everybody else is doing.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But when you’re on stage in front of hundreds of people, thousands including those watching online, you wanna look good.

Captain Brien: So you had to like, be banging.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I lost 11 pounds.

Captain Brien: Did you really?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I did.

Captain Brien: Oh, my goodness.

Kelsey Craft: And it’s so interesting ’cause so many people will go, you don’t need to lost weight or you know, when they see you in my scrubs.

Captain Brien: Where did it come, did it come from, did it come straight off the booty?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: What!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You added to the booty?

Kelsey Craft: You know, you do exercises to keep it the right size. It really is changing your physic. I mean, I dwindled my waist a little bit, my legs were slimmer, they gotta look long on stage.

Captain Brien: Did you have to get a trainer?

Kelsey Craft: I had a trainer that was training me virtually from Rhode Island.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness. So, oh, so you were like Face Timing?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, like we would text all the time and–

Captain Brien: Walk me through it, were you like, how’s this look daddy? Eh, eh.

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, it wasn’t like that?

Kelsey Craft: They’re a very respectable and respectful–

Captain Brien: All right, ’cause I thought they might do that.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, my trainer actually, I was recommended him by a friend who’d worked with him before.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: He’s actually got a long wait list so I felt very fortunate that he accepted me.

Captain Brien: He put you to the top damn it! You were gonna freakin’ be Miss USA.

Kelsey Craft: I was going–

Captain Brien: He better!

Kelsey Craft: I was like this is serious, I’m giving it 100%.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I need to be accountable to somebody and there were before photos, progress photos, weigh-ins, and not like the cheat weigh-ins where I’m like, okay I’m gonna weigh-in on my best day and send in a picture from a few months ago.

Captain Brien: Yeah, like it’s seven in the morning.

Kelsey Craft: It was like feet on the scale, like holding your phone.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But I didn’t do feet on the scale ’cause I was like my phone’s gonna add like half a pound.

Captain Brien: I do that at the gym.

Kelsey Craft: So I got off the scale and took a picture of it.

Captain Brien: So you took the, I get it, I get it yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because you don’t want the phone, the phone weighs something.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so did you do it naked?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The scale every day?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You posted those?

Kelsey Craft: Just the feet.

Captain Brien: Oh just the feet, damn! I thought we were trying to get followers over here.

Kelsey Craft: Sorry, yeah no. Then I would be disqualified which is inappropriate.

Captain Brien: Yeah, were they strict about like everything because you didn’t wanna be on some of the shows because of the topics that we talked about some time, right?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think that it actually had anything to do with what the production team would necessarily say because it is my profession, being a healthcare provider.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But just in the sense of who’s watching, you gotta be neutral to all your audience and I wanna be a positive influence to young girls, so talking about certain topics might not be the best.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Kelsey Craft: For seventh graders to see.

Captain Brien: Of course, yeah because they follow you

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: And they respect you and they wanna be, they aspire to be you. Who doesn’t wanna be a beauty queen, right?

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: So this is, how many, what number pageant was the last one? You did so many and I know that you were Miss International in 2017.

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: So that’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: That yeah, that was huge.

Captain Brien: And that was–

Kelsey Craft: So some people would think I’m crazy, like why wouldn’t you just retire on top? Why wouldn’t you just like, go out with a bang? Why would you put yourself through that again? And I think that some people set limitations on you and you shouldn’t listen to that, so.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I know, I don’t listen to anyone.

Kelsey Craft: I am a late bloomer in pageant world. I didn’t start until I was 21. So I didn’t do the young stuff, I didn’t do teenage pageants, I didn’t even–

Captain Brien: Which probably was better. By the time you’re 21–

Captain Brien: You never know. You’re doing that non-stop like, don’t they start young?

Kelsey Craft: Some people start young, but I can’t really say better or not. You know, some people, this is a lifelong dream to be a role model and to have that experience and friendly competition.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: And each year you learn something–

Captain Brien: Is it friendly? Don’t tell me it’s friendly.

Kelsey Craft: I have been very fortunate.

Captain Brien: Those girls were catty. They must have been like, this bitch!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, never? They never gave you any of this, like shit?

Kelsey Craft: That’s such a misconception.

Captain Brien: I would have thought so.

Kelsey Craft: I think that some people in pageant world, and in the world in general, so we gotta apply this that people have this preconceived notions about pageantry. And you can completely apply it to real life. So if you go in to any competition or any pageant worrying about other people, all your energy is gonna be focused on those other people instead of focusing on being the best you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: You know, so it’s like you’re playing not to lose, instead of playing to win.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good positive inspiration for everybody watching right now.

Kelsey Craft: Oh gosh, yeah.

Captain Brien: Not just, not just on the big stage.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: Okay, was the Miss International stage bigger because that’s was the final level? Or was this at the state level, like a bigger platform for you?

Kelsey Craft: Numbers wise, it’s interesting. So Miss International spans women from all over the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: Okay? The theater itself was bigger, the price package in the sense of being an international title holder seems of grand scale. But I think when I competed for Miss International there was about 50 girls.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay.

Kelsey Craft: And last weekend at Florida USA there were 68 women competing.

Captain Brien: 68 women, okay. So now, this is the question I have. You represented Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: How did you get to become to Miss Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so to be considered to compete in the pageant you have to submit an application.

Captain Brien: From your city?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I filled out, you just fill out an application of why you wanna participate in Miss Florida USA, what your goals are, what you do, just kind of a little resume. And then the director or the executive producer will actually call you and kinda interview you, get to know you, make sure you have best of intentions and make sure that you’ll represent the organization well.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: The title is based on where you live. So you know, secret’s out, I live in Estero.

Captain Brien: So what if there was no people in Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Then, you know, We had a Miss Fort Myers, we had a Miss Lee County, we had a Miss Naples.

Captain Brien: Get them on the phone, I need them on the show.

Kelsey Craft: Cassidy.

Captain Brien: I need Miss Naples, Miss Fort Myers.

Kelsey Craft: Monique.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my God, Miss Bonita.

Captain Brien: I’m calling all you, Sarah.

Captain Brien: Freakin’ everyone! Miss Marco Island, I’m bringing them all damn it!

Kelsey Craft: We will load your car with all the pageant queens from West Florida.

Captain Brien: Yes!

Kelsey Craft: We represented well, yeah.

Captain Brien: So was anybody on your turf, and they were like, oh, damn Kelsey is in Estero, I better move to Bonita?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, no one did?

Kelsey Craft: Actually, my very first question in my interview was, so where is Estero? And I have to do it in reference, you know, it’s we’re 20 minutes north of Naples and I’m like, I’m here to put it on the map.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So hopefully, those people watching me from Estero are proud.

Captain Brien: You did Estero good.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You did, you did, you really banged it out.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: But no, come on! Seriously like, so how does only one person represent each city? I’m serious about that. So if somebody was like in Estero and they wanna do it too, would you have to compete?

Kelsey Craft: They might have to have a different title. So, we have to have delicate title for reference and where we’re representing and leading up to the pageant and afterwards. Where are you doing your most community service?

Captain Brien: You better tell, you better tell–

Kelsey Craft: You can have an East Orlando and a West Orlando, you can break it up.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: According to someone, they said that there were 1,200 applications received for the Miss and Teen, and they accepted 150. So it was a really big deal to even get to the point of being able to compete, very competitive.

Captain Brien: For the–

Kelsey Craft: For Miss Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah. So there was 1,200 applicants.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How many in those 1,200 in your mind were like, they flaked out after they sent the application?

Kelsey Craft: That is a concern, some probably were not accepted. But flaking out, there is something to be said about social media. There have been girls to see their competition and then bailout, because they’re worried like, why would I compete if so and so is gonna beat me? Which is just a losing mindset in and of itself.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So they shouldn’t be worried about who else is competing. I try to not concern myself with–

Captain Brien: Plus it’s about the message, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s not about who wins, or loses.

Kelsey Craft: Gosh! It should be about who wins in the sense of like, obviously you won it. Like I wasn’t training four to five days a week and eating out of Tupperware–

Captain Brien: Correct.

Kelsey Craft: If I wasn’t serious.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But there’s something about the process, you learn, you become a better person, you become disciplined. That when you’re preparing for something of an end goal, and this was actually my on-stage question.

Captain Brien: What was it?

Kelsey Craft: One of my on-stage questions was–

Captain Brien: Ooh, God!

Kelsey Craft: Are we hot?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. So one of my on-stage questions was, what is your biggest flaw and what do you do to overcome it? So first of all I was like, how come I got a negative question? But it really was of self-awareness. And I said, what are my biggest–

Captain Brien: But you killed the question.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: You were the superstar.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: I saw that on your Instagram, right?

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so I posted one of two, you haven’t seen the other one.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: The top five question I got was, what’s your biggest flaw and what have you done to overcome it? And that was like, oh you gotta think on the fly. I’m thinking, I snooze my alarm clock, I don’t call my grandma enough. But in reality my biggest flaw is sometimes I get so goal oriented that my life is broken up in segments of, okay, in three months I’m gonna compete for Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then in six months I wanna buy a house. And then, you know, you get to, but there’s beauty in the process. And I said, sometimes if we get so tunnel vision on what we’re trying to achieve, we miss the beauty all around us in what you’re learning, the relationships you’re building and how much you grow on the journey. So, that was mine.

Captain Brien: And they liked it?

Kelsey Craft: I think so.

Captain Brien: How many rounds were there?

Kelsey Craft: We did the interview, which is private, which no one gets to see. So sometimes when people go to watch the on-stage they have their favorite and they’re like, well, how did so and so get in the top? And I didn’t like their gown. Well, there’s an individual interview that goes on behind the scenes before we ever get to the stage. So that factors into a third of your score. And then everyone competes in swimsuit, and then everybody competes in the evening gown. Based on those three scores–

Captain Brien: What color swimsuit did you wear?

Kelsey Craft: I wore red. I was the only blonde in red.

Captain Brien: Red?

Kelsey Craft: Which apparently is like a bold move.

Captain Brien: Strong!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Strong move.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A thong, or regular?

Kelsey Craft: No, full.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: Full covered.

Kelsey Craft: Role model.

Captain Brien: I would have guessed thong.

Kelsey Craft: I wish.

Captain Brien: No.

Kelsey Craft: No, just kidding.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: Good coverage, you actually use glue to keep your swimsuit–

Captain Brien: Do you have a special one that you have to wear, ’cause I think– I’m assuming that everyone has to wear like pre-approved bathing suits.

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so we all got to choose our own swim wear. We were trying to set the tone for Florida USA being fashion forward, think Miami swim week vibe. So people got to wear prints and colors and styles. And then the top 15, which I made, we were sponsored by Vizcaya Swimwear and they gave each of the top 15 a standard white swimsuit to wear.

Captain Brien: Wait, so everybody had to be in the same one?

Kelsey Craft: In the same swimsuit.

Captain Brien: Wow, so then you’re really going apples to apples.

Kelsey Craft: Uh, you think about integrity–

Captain Brien: Literally on the apples.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: You think about integrity in certain situations and pageantry can really show people’s true colors, too. ‘Cause I think back after the fact of how I act, how I behave, how I treat people. And we show up, once we were announced in the top 15, we show up to a station. They know who made the top 15 and they set up our bag and our clothes. And you have a table of everything that you need to get ready for.

Captain Brien: Is it all in the same day?

Kelsey Craft: Well, prelims were one day and the we show up.

Captain Brien: So then, the day you show up, there’s 15?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: So, we show up and we compete on stage on Friday.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: All 68, yes. On Saturday, everyone shows up and is lined up on stage. So when the audience is finding out who the 15 is, so are we.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So, imagine the nerves, like.

Captain Brien: So you are, like.

Kelsey Craft: I couldn’t ask my friends to buy tickets to both shows. So I was like, okay well, let’s hope I make top 15 so you can actually watch me compete.

Captain Brien: Oh damn!

Kelsey Craft: So it’s like, don’t come to Saturday.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they could have been and weren’t there?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: But you are.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: My gal! All right.

Kelsey Craft: You’re standing up on stage with all of the other women and you’re just hoping that they announce your name. There was like six people before before me, and I was like, now you’re doing the math like, oh, there’s only nine spots left so now I’m one in nine shot.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And it just goes down and down.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And so that’s really interesting.

Captain Brien: At what point were you like, holy crap-ola! I don’t know if I’m gonna do it.

Kelsey Craft: When they announced top six, the first six, and there’s no order.

Captain Brien: There was nine left.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. I think I was the seventh or something, I don’t remember when I was announced.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: I wasn’t–

Captain Brien: What if it went down to like number two?

Kelsey Craft: The last one!

Captain Brien: Would you have been dying?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. So, what they do is you’re announced in the top 15 and then everyone else goes back stage, and then the top 15 will be brought out individually for their own stage question, which is the one I shared with you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: We can share later.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then, after you’re introduced as hello, I’m Miss Estero here’s my question, then everyone re-competes in the swimsuit and evening gowns. Scores are wiped clean, so now it’s only you versus the other 14.

Captain Brien: And you’re telling me the girls aren’t talking about the girls in the swimsuits. Regular girls at the beach are talking about girls on the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe. Okay, we showed up to day one. We do an orientation, we do one hour, hello! Welcome, get ready for an exciting weekend. By the way we’re doing a photoshoot, so go get your bikinis on and we’re gonna go outside the hotel in front of the fountain. So we’re all standing there, don’t even know first name basis and talk about staying in your lane and not comparing yourself to other people. And you’re standing there in your bikini going, okay, who’s got a better body?

Captain Brien: Right!

Kelsey Craft: And do I have a shot?

Captain Brien: You must have been thinking?

Kelsey Craft: I was like, don’t look at other people.

Captain Brien: You had to be weeding some out.

Kelsey Craft: No, ’cause really what my thought process was is–

Captain Brien: I would have totally been. I would have been, got them!

Kelsey Craft: I got a four-pack, they only got a two-pack.

Captain Brien: Damn, I got them! Ooh damn, that guy is good. I’d have been, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I went in really trying to be focused on myself. And I went in with the confidence of saying, I did everything that I can do and there’s no going back, so seven if someone has a better physique, I know I had three months to prepare, I was strict with that, I made it very known. I was open with my co-workers, my friends. And at that point there’s nothing you can do to change it. So who cares who has a better body, it’s also how you carry yourself.

Captain Brien: Absolutely!

Kelsey Craft: The confidence that you have the style, the walk.

Captain Brien: It’s all about your swagger.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, it is.

Captain Brien: Okay, so keep going, I got a bunch of questions.

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so we walk into, we are now set in the top 15 and we go into the back room, the dressing room, and they’re like, next phase of competition you’re putting on a sponsored swimsuit. Well, we haven’t been sized or anything, so here I got at my station and my swimsuit is just in a bag and you’re like, I hope this fits!

Captain Brien: Right, so what the heck, how did they know?

Kelsey Craft: They just–

Captain Brien: You had to send your size?

Kelsey Craft: No, I mean, they just kind, you know, mediums are safe bet and whatever. Well, I got next to the girl who, her physic was larger than mine, not overweight, I’m saying that she just had bigger chested naturally, things like that. So she gets in her bag and her top is an extra small. And she’s like, this is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I was like, you know, I’m really proud of myself looking back, I was like–

Captain Brien: Wait, did she have–

Kelsey Craft: You can have my–

Captain Brien: Did she have some surgery?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: They weren’t enhanced?

Kelsey Craft: This is not important.

Captain Brien: That’s important to me!

Kelsey Craft: The important part is, I looked at her and said, you know what, you cannot wear an extra small. You can have my medium.

Captain Brien: You took one for the team.

Kelsey Craft: And I took the extra small. Not even realizing like maybe it’s gonna look bad on me. Is this gonna affect my score? It was, you know what, I was being kind in that moment.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Kelsey Craft: Looking back, ’cause in my photos I’m like I could have done with a little bit larger top, but it’s okay. It’s okay!

Captain Brien: I need to see those, I’ll be the judge of that.

Kelsey Craft: Okay.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna make sure.

Kelsey Craft: I did the swimsuit and then you go in, you re-compete in the evening gown. And after the evening gown, the top 15 come out and they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right then?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: So you can be– There’s like an intermission and then you’re all in the gown again. You’re lined up with all 15 hoping they call your name when they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: And then, was there any good drama? Did any of the girls just totally break down and cry?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No one argued?

Kelsey Craft: I’m really proud of–

Captain Brien: They weren’t like, this little B, I’m? Nothing?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You guys were professional.

Kelsey Craft: If it happened, I was unaware.

Captain Brien: You were on the top five, the other girls and the ones in the back they were arguing.

Kelsey Craft: There is always gonna be a level of disappointment, but I think that the women that I competed with I just got so lucky that everyone was mature, well-rounded, there for to really be exceptional women.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: I don’t really think I have anything negative to say about anyone who competed or their experience.

Captain Brien: No, I don’t think so, but there could have been other women that weren’t as sweet, kind, and professional as you.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe, hopefully no–

Captain Brien: That would be the fun part to hear about.

Kelsey Craft: Hopefully nobody was talking poorly of me when they were watching me on the stage though.

Captain Brien: So what were the ages?

Kelsey Craft: So the ages for Miss, I believe are 19 or 18 to 27.

Captain Brien: And there was women that were at the bottom of that age?

Kelsey Craft: You know, there were some 20-year-olds for sure. I don’t know everybody’s age. Like I said, there were 68 people.

Captain Brien: Were they all pros? I don’t know if they’re professional, but I would consider you a professional since you’ve been doing this and you were successful at it. Were they some like first-timers?

Kelsey Craft: They were first-timers for sure.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: There were first-timers. And that’s an amazing thing, because you gotta do it your first time at some point.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I started late, like I said. And then there was some seasoned vets. I mean, I was in the top five with a girl that– The girl who won was first runners up last year, and then in the top five the year before that. So, she was seasoned.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Another girl in top five was Miss Texas America, so she’s already competed in Miss America.

Captain Brien: Well wait, so what, now she’s representing Florida? Then she cheated.

Kelsey Craft: She lives in Texas, but she’s from Naples. If you live, work, spend majority of your time in a certain state, you can represent your home state.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: So at the time she was at home in Texas.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, so before.

Kelsey Craft: Before.

Captain Brien: At a different year.

Kelsey Craft: Yes, a different year.

Captain Brien: Gotcha!

Kelsey Craft: She was representing Texas.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And this year she snow resides in Naples, works in Naples, spends most of the time there.

Captain Brien: When she represented Texas, did she go to the big dance?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she went to Miss America.

Captain Brien: She did?

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she was Miss Texas America.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So here I am, formerly Miss International, top five. The runner up from last year was in the top five.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Miss Texas America from, I don’t know what year, but she was amazing. Another girl who, I think it was her first time at Florida USA, I’m not sure, but she had represented Puerto Rico at some worldwide pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: And then another

Captain Brien: I’m trying to read Scott’s. Is she gonna be your new spokesperson supermodel?

Kelsey Craft: Rum and vodka.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you know, she does it on the side.

Kelsey Craft: I gotta keep the figure, so I don’t know how much.

Captain Brien: Right, right

Kelsey Craft: And then the last girl that was in the top five, she was representing her platform and she was going and competing and giving it her all, first pageant ever, and had just gone through chemotherapy for breast cancer.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: At a young age.

Captain Brien: God bless her.

Kelsey Craft: In her 20s.

Captain Brien: Wow!

Kelsey Craft: So like four days after the pageant she actually went through the double mastectomy surgery.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: So talk about inspirational.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no kidding!

Kelsey Craft: Talk about competitive, and talk about stories worth sharing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, tough girl.

Kelsey Craft: So just to be in the top five, you’re disappointed it’s like, dang, I would have loved to go to Miss USA and I wanted to win. But it really just sit back and be just proud of the accomplishment making top five is huge.

Captain Brien: It’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: And even, for those who don’t make the top five or don’t make the top 15, just showing up is huge. Because there are thousands of people who don’t have that opportunity or are not brave enough to do so. So, props to everyone, because people judge pageants all they want, but it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

Captain Brien: It takes huge! Are you kidding me? Wait, people judge it? I don’t judge it.

Kelsey Craft: You don’t judge ’cause you like all the girls in swimsuits, but people have their preconceived notions about pageantry.

Captain Brien: Why do you just go right to the swimsuits?

Kelsey Craft: Because you just asked me for photo of those.

Captain Brien: This is embarrassing Kelsey. You’re talking and just saying I only like girls in swimsuits.

Kelsey Craft: You live in Florida.

Captain Brien: Well, I like the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what it is.

Kelsey Craft: I wonder why! So yeah, there’s a lot to be said just about showing up for things, putting yourself out there.

Captain Brien: Absolutely! I can’t imagine! Okay, it’s gotta be super hard too, when you get to question and you’ve seen all the fail videos, right.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: And now it’s gonna even more pressure on, you know?

Kelsey Craft: You know, looking back, you know the phrase hindsight 20/20. Looking back, there’s ways that I could have answered my question better. And you always think like, oh in that moment that was the best I could have done. And I reflect, and it depends on what your focus is.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Because my thing was, is I just wanna be likable, relatable and I wanna be real. So I went in and that was my answer.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: However, in my heart, I had told everyone, okay I have a plan, I know I’d be a great Florida USA because of X, Y and Z. Well, if you don’t communicate that in your opportunity to do in your individual interview or your on-stage question, the judges don’t know that. You can’t make an assumption that people can read your mind. Like, she’d be a great Florida USA because she plans to do X, Y, Z, if you do not verbalize it. So there was a fear of messing up, there’s always a fear of misspeaking.

Captain Brien: Speaking of messing up, what was your talent? Did you have a talent?

Kelsey Craft: There was no talent in ours.

Captain Brien: Wait! There’s no talent competition?

Kelsey Craft: In the Miss America Pageant there’s the talent.

Captain Brien: So Miss USA no?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, Miss USA no talent.

Captain Brien: Miss USA all the talent goes to the swimsuit competition.

Kelsey Craft: Miss USA is 30% interview, you know, a third interview, a third swimsuit, a third evening gown, and then on-stage question.

Captain Brien: I was close then, I was close.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They mix it up. So te evening gown, how did you pick out your evening gown?

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh! Back in June I was in Rhode Island with a friend, she works at a gown store. It sounds so bizarre, but I was in Providence and I go, that’s a beautiful gown. I go, if I decide to do Florida USA that’s the gown I’m wearing.

Captain Brien: What color was it?

Kelsey Craft: It was blue.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And they were like, oh okay. I said, can I try it on now so I know? And it was too expensive, so they were like, okay, you can’t try this on unless you’re planning on buying a gown from us.

Captain Brien: No way!

Kelsey Craft: So I go, well, that’s my gown if I compete and I didn’t even get to try it on. Well, they ended up having a sale and remembered me saying how much I love that gown, even just in the bag. And they were so serendipitous, they messaged me, this gown is going on sale and before we bring it to a trunk show we wanna offer it to you, so it’s 40% off.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: And then it was my gown. Then this is in October.

Captain Brien: That was made for you. That’s why.

Kelsey Craft: I picked it out in June and it was still available in October 40% off, and I pride myself, I’m never buying anything full price and I was like, yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. I like to buy a deal too.

Kelsey Craft: You got yourself a deal.

Captain Brien: I get deals.

Kelsey Craft: It just made it that much prettier to know that it was cheap.

Captain Brien: 100%, I feel the same way. If I get a deal on suit, I’m loving that suit. It’s like, yeah!

Kelsey Craft: And this gown was so beautiful, but then I got upset when I lost weight and the gown was too big, one week before the pageant that I actually had an amazing alteration.

Captain Brien: Jocelyn says it was gorgeous.

Kelsey Craft: Aw, thank you Jocelyn, oh she’s so sweet. I know her from previous pageants. And so I got upset because I had lost weight, and so if you need alterations in Naples, First Class Alterations on 41, they’re awesome. They are awesome.

Captain Brien: Where are they?

Kelsey Craft: They’re on 41. Oh my gosh, and there’s also a jewelry store that I always go to, Beckner Jewelry.

Captain Brien: Is that right next to Jimmy P’s?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, my geography is terrible.

Captain Brien: Is it across from cheesecake factory?

Kelsey Craft: No, I don’t know. I’m representing Estero, not Naples, so Google Map First Class Alterations.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause they’re awesome. Tell them Kelsey sent you, they’re just so sweet. And they’ve done six of my gowns, and if I can trust them with my gowns you can trust them with your suits and your pants.

Captain Brien: Totally!

Kelsey Craft: And all that.

Captain Brien: Totally, yeah! I think I use them once in a while.

Kelsey Craft: They’re so great.

Captain Brien: If I remember where they are.

Kelsey Craft: Thinking about that, when you’re preparing for something that’s so big, one thing I’ve learned through competing and preparing for pageants is that people should not be getting in your way. Does that make sense? Like you think, I don’t have the time, I can’t call so and so, I can’t go see my friends. And you get so tunnel focused on what you’re doing that you don’t realize that there’s people around you that you actually need to help you. You know?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I needed a good alterations person. I needed an accountable trainer, I needed an interview practice coach.

Captain Brien: I thought I was doing that for you, the interviewing?

Kelsey Craft: I guess you could have.

Captain Brien: I guess that’s why you made so many Captain’s Log appearances.

Kelsey Craft: What would you have asked me if you were a judge on the pageant?

Captain Brien: Oh, if I was a judge.

Kelsey Craft: If you were a judge on the pageant what would you ask?

Captain Brien: Legit?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: If I was a judge I would say, good evening Kelsey, thank you for joining us tonight. We appreciate it, your gown is beautiful. I’d like to know what your views are on the world economy today.

Kelsey Craft: Wow! So would you consider that political or just economical?

Captain Brien: No, I’d say that’s just economical.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. Do you want me to answer?

Captain Brien: Yeah, maybe let’s play. Let’s play a little.

Captain Brien: Let’s play a game, okay. There’s definitely room for improvement in our economy right now. To be in debt nationwide, trillions of dollars is unacceptable. And we’re giving back to certain organizations and other countries before taking care of ourselves and making sure that we’re protected from a security standpoint, a military standpoint, and education.

Captain Brien: Knocked it out of the park. I would have said you killed it.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Captain Brien: Right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, we shouldn’t be in debt.

Captain Brien: I agree 100%, it’s wild.

Kelsey Craft: There are some questions that–

Captain Brien: If we ran our business the way the government runs it, we’d all be out of it.

Kelsey Craft: We’d have 14,000 credit card.

Captain Brien: What would we do? Sorry, I had to–

Kelsey Craft: He’s not watching, why is he not watching?

Captain Brien: I don’t know what he’s doing.

Kelsey Craft: Why does he know you’re doing this?

Captain Brien: Unbelievable, I get no respect for my dad he’s not watching.

Kelsey Craft: But I joked about this with Dr. Dollar actually. We were at work and we were talking about questions that you can mentally be prepared for. And some of these questions that you’ll see online, people messing up their answers and stuff. I’m really sarcastic. So I think like, if I knew the answer to that question I would not be here, I’d be political office, vice president already.

Captain Brien: Right, exactly! I agree totally, I heard some of these questions, it’s like, who’s asking that question? Like, really where did you get that question? I feel the same way.

Kelsey Craft: So you have to remember if you’re ever watching a pageant on TV, if you watch the upcoming Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA, whatever it is, be gracious to the girls that are answering. Because it’s not necessarily I have this solution to all of the world problems. It’s how you conduct yourself under pressure, how do you speak, how are you relatable? How are you gonna deal when you get asked questions on the fly if were at an appearance representing this organization, and that’s more important.

Captain Brien: That’s exactly, I think, something you hit right on the head. Because, first of all, even if they give the world’s best question, answer to the question, what is someone gonna do? They’re not really gonna act on it right then and there. So it’s like, they just wanna know how you act under those circumstances of the pressure I think.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right? They’re not asking questions that you’re gonna solve. Are they?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think so. I mean, maybe someone was watching and was like, good idea, let’s do that.

Captain Brien: That would be amazing, then it would be all worth it.

Kelsey Craft: What’s interesting is that Miss Naples was asked, her question I believe was something like, what would be a law, if you could create any law what would it be? And hers had something to do with balancing the budget. I don’t know how that’s a law.

Captain Brien: And she did good?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, I didn’t watch. ‘Cause when I say you gotta stay in your lane and you gotta be your best, it’s la-la-la, I’m not listening to what they’re saying.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because if you listen, what if they knocked it out of the park and you’re like, oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: You’re right.

Captain Brien: And you’re just dying, right, so much pressure.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I liked my first question when I was in top 15 better than my second question when I was in the top five. Because my top five question was, what’s your biggest flaw? But my top 15 question was, what do you wanna be remembered by? That’s the one that you watched online.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s the one I liked. You really did good with it.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: And I liked the whole, the charisma that you delivered it with, it was amazing.

Kelsey Craft: I almost started crying on stage, you could see how transparent I was. They’re like, how are you today? And it’s not like, I’m so blessed to be here. I was like, holy smokes, I have 10 people in the audience and I’m freaking out.

Captain Brien: You were worried?

Kelsey Craft: No, it was really special.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I said I’ve never had that much support at one event.

Captain Brien: That’s right, you said that.

Kelsey Craft: That’s a very meaningful moment to just– And they were people that I have encountered, they were friends from previous pageants, friends from work.

Captain Brien: They came.

Kelsey Craft: People from Orlando, people from this coast.

Captain Brien: I didn’t get an invite. No invite for me guys.

Kelsey Craft: Everyone was invited.

Captain Brien:I didn’t get the invite, I woulda went.

Kelsey Craft: And I had people that were helping me prepare via Skype sessions, I was doing makeup lessons on my patio. My neighbor was like, I’d be playing music and I’d be practicing my makeup in the true natural light, ’cause I didn’t know how to do my makeup until like two weeks before the pageant. So shout out to Constantine ’cause he taught me everything I know.

Captain Brien: Should we piggy-back right behind this guy?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, just follow him right through. And all of a sudden I hear my neighbor underneath my patio going, where’d the music go? So even my neighbor knew that I was preparing. And like when you have something that’s so important to you, you have to share it with the world. And I think that’s another lesson too. ‘Cause had I just gone in timid, people who go into something afraid to fail, or embarrassed they’re doing it, won’t have a good outcome.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Kelsey Craft: I was telling everybody, I’m competing for Miss Florida USA don’t let me eat the cookies from the farm wraps. My neighbor knew, my friends knew, my co-workers knew.

Captain Brien: It motivates you.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And it keeps you accountable.

Captain Brien: It does.

Kelsey Craft: And I think those things with the vision boards and setting goals is so important.

Captain Brien: Well, this was a pleasure. Thank you for dealing with all my jokes.

Kelsey Craft:  Just drop me off.

Captain Brien: I gotta get rid of her. This is it guys, with the Captain’s Log again. We’ve reached the final end here.

Kelsey Craft:  Let’s get you signed up to judge a local pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh, I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause you know what they do–

Captain Brien: I judged a chili competition once, is it the same?

Kelsey Craft:  No, that’s food tasting.

Captain Brien: Oh, damn.

Kelsey Craft:  You don’t get to do that.

Captain Brien: All right, well I’ll do it.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that we can get you signed up because what they do with the judges is they’re reputable people out in the community, business leaders, entrepreneurs.

Captain Brien: I would love that.

Kelsey Craft:  Motivational speakers, previous pageant contestants. But you’re involved in the community. So if we have a local pageant I think that–

Captain Brien: Can I go live and I’ll just video myself judging?

Kelsey Craft:  That’s weird. ‘Cause you’re obviously sitting there.

Captain Brien: Well, I don’t know, they might not want the whole pageant live.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that you can document your experience and how positive that it’s been.

Captain Brien: That would be awesome.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause I think you should put positive pageantry on the map.

Captain Brien: I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Thank you so much.

Kelsey Craft:  You cannot sponsor it with your alcohol though.

Captain Brien: I can’t?

Kelsey Craft:  No.

Captain Brien: Damn it! All right, well, I’ll try. I’ll put it out there and see what they say and then they’ll say no and I’ll say, okay, we’ll sponsor it just with off the hook comedy.

Captain Brien:  Put my logo in the magazine.

Captain Brien: All right, thank you so much for joining me. And I know you just got off work and you’ve had a long day, so it’s been a pleasure.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you. And if people have questions they can–

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, tell them how they can get a hold of you.

Kelsey Craft:  Well, I think that my link is now on here. So if people are watching and they’re interested in their kids doing pageants

Captain Brien: Yes.

Kelsey Craft:  And they want an honest feedback, I’ve done different systems and have had a great experience. So if people wanna do that–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like coaching.

Kelsey Craft:  I can do that, too.

Captain Brien: Or mentoring.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft:  Absolutely, I do that. I actually have a consulting company that I don’t share it too much, ’cause I’m busy. I’m happy to help in that regard. If you have local appearances that you want me at as Miss Estero or anything else I’m happy to do that. I’m actually going and hanging out with the girl scouts tonight. So even though the competition is over you still can do great things through that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it never ends.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Except this show ends.

Kelsey Craft:  This show ends.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’ll be live tomorrow.


S2:E11 The Captain’s Log with Medium Cindy Kaza and Captain Brien!



Evidential medium Cindy Kaza takes a ride with Captain Brien! Cindy is here to discuss her upcoming show at Off The Hook Comedy Club and even uses her special talents on Captain Brien! Tune in to hear what she has to say about some of Captain Briens future! It’s crazy how spot on she is!!!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6pnpnpumws&t=298s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Cindy Kaza out and show her some love at:

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey guys.

Cindy Kaza: What’s up?

Captain Brien: Cindy Kaza’s back, my favorite, my only psychic medium, who am I kidding.

Cindy Kaza: I better be, don’t cheat on me.

Captain Brien: It’s not like I have a whole bunch. I only can have one person get that technical into my background, you know what I mean.

Cindy Kaza: You know.

Captain Brien: Like its too much, it’s too much for me.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah I know, there’s a lot to see in there.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, it’s a lot, it’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: Too much. I still can’t figure this out, I am refreshing this,

Captain Brien:  Wait so there you go, so what’s up. That’s us right there.

Cindy Kaza: Oh it is, oops I’m sorry.

Cindy Kaza:  But I don’t know what weird thing is right there.

Cindy Kaza: See I don’t know what’s happening either. He needs to help, don’t smash into that car.

Captain Brien: I can’t, look that’s us.

Cindy Kaza: Oh wow, alright. So share that.

Captain Brien: There ya go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re good, you’re good.

Cindy Kaza: Let’s hit share. Share…

Captain Brien: So we’re back.

Cindy Kaza:  Share, copy link, or share?

Captain Brien: You can just share it.

Cindy Kaza: Write post?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, and good, hit it.

Cindy Kaza:  Post. Posted, alright, yeah.

Captain Brien:  Alright, now shut it off, ’cause everyone can hear us.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh good, alright now can I stop this?

Captain Brien: Yeah. It’s a good thing you psychic because we would see into the future of us potentially failing on that.

Cindy Kaza: Look, it takes a village, don’t make fun of me.

Captain Brien:  Right, right. So we’re just in Fort Myer’s, what a day, it’s a little chilly but it’s beautiful out, Right?

Cindy Kaza: It is nice and it’s not raining. It’s been raining like crazy here.

Captain Brien:  Yeah when did you here?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh see, I got here on Saturday.

Captain Brien: Oh, and you’re stayin in Bonita.

Cindy Kaza: I’m stayin in Bonita.

Captain Brien: And it’s raining and cold the whole time.

Cindy Kaza: Pretty much, yeah. Pretty much.

Captain Brien:  It was freezing, for Florida, especially.

Cindy Kaza: Yep.

Captain Brien: For other parts of the country, it’s kinda nice, probably, still.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien:  You don’t think at 47 and sunny in Boston right now, they’d probably, they’d want the Patriots to lose the Super Bowl to get a day like this.

Cindy Kaza:  Yep.

Captain Brien: They’d probably do that even.

Cindy Kaza: Oh hi Krystal.

Captain Brien: Hey Krystal, we’re tryin to get out of this sun, whoa, hey,

Cindy Kaza: Whoa

Captain Brien: This guy, this lady

Cindy Kaza: oh my God.

Captain Brien: right here’s just gonna pull right out.

Cindy Kaza: Hey that’s really funny, ‘member on the radio show, I as like, Krystal, K-R-Y-S-T-A-L. I was spelling it, and now the first person that’s saying hey, is Krystal.

Captain Brien: Oh, how cool is that.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah that’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: So do you love coming here, or do you just like that I put you up at the club all the time? What is it?

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here.

Captain Brien: You do, right.

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here, I have tons of friends in Flordia. I get to hang out with my friends, so yeah it’s pretty cool. Let’s see what does it say? Did you sense you were being watched in New Jersey? Everyone’s watching me.

Captain Brien: Yes, she can sense it. That’s my cousin, hey Glenn, what’s goin on?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  So no, it’s good, it’s very, I always say, when we’re here, it’s gotta be more laid back than other places that you go, I mean. No?

Cindy Kaza: I mean, yeah, it’s nice because when I come to Naples, I get to hang out for a few days, ’cause I do a couple shows, I get to spend time with my friends.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah. So yeah it’s not like city to city to city to city which I normally do.

Captain Brien: And do you prefer stayin in a hotel or do prefer stayin with your friends?

Cindy Kaza:  I like stayin with my friends.

Captain Brien:  Why?

Cindy Kaza: ‘Cause it’s fun to be around people, I mean people, I think people don’t realize that when you’re on the road, like all the time, it’s actually kinda lonely.

Captain Brien: It does get lonely, I agree.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it has to because what are you gonna do, like you have your phone, you have FaceTime, that helps, but that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, and then even though you’re performing, you’re doing events at night, I hate saying performing, ’cause it sounds like I have like an act.

Captain Brien: Right, where you have a show to put on.

Cindy Kaza:  But you do you’re event at night and you’re in front of all these people, but you’re not like interacting with them on a friendship level.

Captain Brien: correct.

Cindy Kaza:  Your just going to do your event and your going back to the hotel, sleeping, getting up, going to the airport, again and again, so it’s nice to have friends to spend time with, ya know.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And so there’s been exciting news, you have a new TV show that’s coming out in,

Cindy Kaza: I do.

Captain Brien: Will it come out in March, or will it just film in Mach?

Cindy Kaza:  No we start filming in March.

Captain Brien: Okay so it’s filming in March, which is awesome, and that’s with the Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: With the Travel Channel.

Captain Brien: How cool is that?

Cindy Kaza: Super exciting, yes.

Captain Brien:  And you’ve been telling me about it for a while, but the idea that it finally happened was thrilling, right? I mean, it’s gotta be.

Cindy Kaza: It’s thrilling. I mean, ya know, with Hollywood, you can have a pilot, I’ve had couple of pilots,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and then nothing happens, and then you’re like okay, here we go again, ya know.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s exciting that it’s happening.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: I’m very excited.

Cindy Kaza: We shot two pilots and they went nowhere.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: But you were just like, bam, right outta the box.

Cindy Kaza: No I wasn’t, I’ve had my first pilot in 2013.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s good, that’s good.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s been six years.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Six years.

Captain Brien: But were you out there pitching it, or did this one just come about?

Cindy Kaza:  Actually this one was a little bit different because I had a pilot in 2013, then I had a pilot last year that went away, and then there was this merger with networks, so when I signed to the new production company, you know, the executives at the Travel Channel knew me, so it happened a lot faster, I didn’t have to go through, like filming a whole pilot, and then waiting six months,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and all that stuff, so that was nice.

Captain Brien: That’s cool.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  So that a good, like fast track of you.

Captain Brien: Little bit faster this time.

Captain Brien: Tell everyone how they can find you, if they don’t know already, they wanna go on your Instagram or Facebook, let ’em know.

Cindy Kaza: Oh thanks for lovin my sunglasses, thank you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  I know, red lips, red glasses.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s right.

Cindy Kaza:  You can find me at mediumcindykaza.com, and I’m really active on Instagram, so if you go to Medium Cindy Kaza or Cindy Kaza on Instagram, it’ll pop right up, I’ll keep everybody updated, my Facebook, Medium Cindy Kaza.

Captain Brien: And you’re always on the road?

Cindy Kaza:  I’m always on the road.

Captain Brien: Like you never stop?

Cindy Kaza:  I know it’s like, I feel like the last four years, but even last year, was the busiest year, I think, I mean I’m home like two days a month. You know, it’s nuts.

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza:  It’s complete nuts.

Captain Brien: Which is not very much, holy cow.

Cindy Kaza: But I love my job, you know,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: it’s not even really a job. I feel so grateful to be able to do what I love.

Captain Brien: So do you wanna do a reading on me? I didn’t as you that.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: No come on, you need to. Don’t you think, everyone out there, what’d you think?

Cindy Kaza:  I did one on you before.

Captain Brien: But we stopped or somethin, it was short, what happened?

Captain Brien: There was stuff that we got into, that I liked, that I wanted to know more about.

Cindy Kaza: We’re we talking about your love life? But I already know about your love life now. Ew, should we go there?

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, wow. It’s probably gonna end quick if that’s the case, I don’t know. Like all the rest of ‘m.

Cindy Kaza: See Nancy says yes talk about his love life.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: Full disclosure, I already know who he’s dating, and I think it’s a good match.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: If he doesn’t screw it up, do screw it up dude.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s funny. So yeah, do somethin, do it, do it, come on, I’ll go with, do you wanna do a reading with me?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh yeah, I do a reading with you.

Captain Brien: Okay do it.

Cindy Kaza:  Are you open to whatever I say, that comes out.

Captain Brien: Sure, yeah, hello, I got my freaking, I did all kinds of stuff on this show, I think I can do that.

Cindy Kaza: Didn’t you get Botox on the show?

Captain Brien: I did.

Cindy Kaza:  We talked about that last time, your forehead looks very smooth, by the way.

Captain Brien:  It does?

Cindy Kaza:  Doesn’t his forehead look smooth?

Captain Brien: It looks good, alright. My eyes might need a little touch up though.

Cindy Kaza:  What the hell? Alright, I’m kidding, your relationship is ending really fast. No, I’m just joking.

Cindy Kaza: So I don’t know if I’m gonna do mediumship, I feel like I need to do psychic with you.

Captain Brien: Whatever you feel like.

Cindy Kaza: I do know some of things, I know who you’re dating, should I not, I shouldn’t say.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s just a casual

Cindy Kaza:  We’ll leave that.

Captain Brien: thing so you don’t have to, it’s probably not like a whole serious thing, so.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay I think it is, but okay,

Captain Brien: Oh my God, you know more than me.

Cindy Kaza: We’ll just take it there. And then I also, I know you have a new alcohol company.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And actually, I wanna talk about that first.

Captain brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So, we’re gonna do some psychic prediction stuff. People so the difference between psychic and mediumship is psychic is past, present, future, and mediumship is talking to people who have died. Okay so,

Captain Brien: yes.

Cindy Kaza: right now I’m gonna do psychic.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay. So with your alcohol company, so I’m gonna give you what I see, and actually I think you’re gonna like it, feels really positive, but I keep seeing a business partner coming in, like a second person coming on board.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: It feels like a woman who’s gonna do marketing or promoting, have you found her yet?

Captain Brien:  Not yet, no.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay so, but you have to be careful, everybody listening, okay, just so you can call him out on it if he doesn’t listen to my advice. I keep feeling like this woman’s gonna come in, and I keep seeing her wanting to partner up with you, ooh look six, six, six on that license plate, oh my God.

Captain Brien: That’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: And I keep feeling like you’re gonna have to make a decision, whether or not, you want to sign over a small percentage of your business. It feels like somebody’s coming in, saying I want, I don’t know 5% of sales, because I’m gonna take

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: this out and promote the crap out of it, it a wider area.

Captain Brien: Which is interesting, because you know I had to say, can I say somethin,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: why I think this is weird, of how much it relates right now, is because before I picked you up, I saw somebody on my phone who has a major PR business, in LA, and she’s like for the stars, and I’m like, yeah but I can’t afford to reach out to her. So, that’s so like relevant to what, right now, just happened, out of the clear blue, I happened to be looking at a contact for somebody else, you know how when you go through a phone, and like there’s, obviously it doesn’t just bring that one person up, it brings you to like, right, a bunch of options, and one of the girls, is like a huge PR agency, and I was like yeah, but I really can’t. So maybe I could offer a percentage, and that’s how I could bring them aboard.

Cindy Kaza: Right, so,

Captain Brien: Just this morning, before

Cindy Kaza: Hi five.

Captain Brien: Before I got my coffee.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, so I think that you just have to make sure that you’re paperwork is, you really read the fine print, ’cause there would be a contract, but then I keep seeing some connections to like football and around sports advertising as well.

Captain Brien: You are on fire. I literally just sent like five messages to all the sports bars this morning, for the Super Bowl and what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards to everybody’s bars, that sell my product and I’m gonna give them away. I haven’t even told anybody this. I just,

Cindy Kaza:  Now everyone knows. Now everyone knows, yeah.

Captain Brien: When you were in the car with me this morning, just before I picked you up, I was voice messaging all the business owners of the clubs, that are doin Super Bowl parties, and I’m like, hey I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards, and they have to buy Captain Brien Spirits, for the Super Bowl, and they can spend the money at the place.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, okay keep goin. ‘Cause that totally… Was dead on, and nobody would know that. Okay, I’m excited, keep goin, what else?

Cindy Kaza: That’s good,

Captain Brien:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Like, I feel really good things about,

Captain Brien:  ‘Cause if you tell me somethin bad, it’s also probably gonna happen, because all the good stuff already freakin happened.

Cindy Kaza:  you’re gonna kill us. He’s like swerving.

Captain Brien: That’s okay, I’m driving. Do you see in the future, my safe driving skills? I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my God, every time I get the car with this. Okay, so no that feels really positive, like your alcohol business feels really positive, so just make sure, with contracts, that you read the fine print and that you have a good attorney, so you understand what you’re signing.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, now the other part of the, okay so I know you have vodka, do you also have bourbon?

Captain Brien: I am working on a bourbon and I have a gin and a white rum,

Cindy Kaza:  The bourbon.

Captain Brien:  coming out.

Cindy Kaza: So the bourbon is the one that’s gonna take longer than you want it to, and I’ll tell you why, because you’re gonna try to add flavor to it, or make it like a special, like a, gosh…

Captain Brien: I just got, last night, the proof, of my first bourbon label.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, it’s gonna take a little while, right? But I feel like that’s gonna be something that you really, the packaging with that, is gonna be really cool, I seeing the bottles being unique, I see it being a little bit different, so just be patient on your bourbon, don’t rush it because otherwise you’re not going to like where it goes.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, ’cause I see like two different flavors. It’s almost like your gonna, does anybody make a bourbon with like a, like a berry flavor, or something that’s really weird, I’m seeing like berry bourbon.

Captain Brien:  That is weird because I’m working on it, a special one, with acai.

Cindy Kaza: Okay cool,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: so it’s berry bourbon.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s what it is, I’m like is berry bourbon. Okay so that’ll be good.

Captain Brien: I don’t know if I should’ve told ’em my secret, but anyway.

Cindy Kaza: Oh whatever, it’s cool nobody’s gonna steal it, you get that patented, okay.

Captain Brien:  By the time you get to it, I should already have it out.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, it’s gonna be good, it’s gonna be really good. Okay now lets go to your love life. I actually really think that, and I know who it is, I shall not say her name, on Facebook Live.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay. But I think she really likes you, I think it’s a really good match, it’s just gonna take time to really, the trust has to be there, and that’s on your end, and on her end,

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: It’s both of you, okay.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza: So you don’t screw this up.

Captain Brien:  I don’t tend to screw ’em up all the time, but it seems like,

Cindy Kaza: No it’s because you really like her and you might try to it away because you like her. So don’t do that.

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay

Cindy Kaza: Don’t be flirting with other chicks at the bar, okay? Especially not blondes, I’ve seen you,

Captain Brien:  I don’t go to the bar, I sell the alcohol to the bar.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever, I see you like flirting with this blonde girl, and then you’re like… This is future,

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: I’m telling you, don’t do it dude.

Captain Brien: Who’s the blonde? You see in the future, me flirting with a blonde girl?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah and I feel like she’s,

Captain Brien: Is she hot?

Cindy Kaza: She’s hot.

Captain Brien: Really?

Cindy Kaza: Oh my gosh, you know what it is? I feel like she’s somebody that, you know when you have like people that go out and do promo’s of your alcohol?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: That’s what it is, it’s like a promo girl.

Cindy Kaza: Oh alright

Cindy Kaza: And you’re like flirting with her

Captain Brien:  and I have a few around.

Cindy Kaza: But then the girl that you really like, see’s this happening, and she gets really pissed at you, and it’s your fault dude, don’t even do it.

Captain Brien: Dude, yeah I can’t do that, gosh. But I have to have hot promo girls, ’cause I have a big promo coming up on the 30th.

Cindy Kaza: Well yeah, you do have to have hot promo girls, but I’m just sayin.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay, but I don’t flirt, I don’t ever flirt with girls or date girls that work for me or work with me, so I’m good there.

Cindy Kaza: Mm-hmm, okay, alright. So maybe it’s just that it comes across as looking like you’re flirting with her, so just be careful.

Captain Brien: Okay, I gotta be careful.

Cindy Kaza:  I keep seeing you in Las Vegas, as well, at like a trade show or some Vegas thing.

Captain Brien: You’re outta control. I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  High five dude, I don’t know any of this.

Captain Brien:  You serious? I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  You are?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m leaving Friday, swear to God.

Cindy Kaza: Alright, have fun in Vegas.

Captain Brien: You had no idea I was going to Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: No, you’re gonna have fun.

Captain Brien: Of course you didn’t, ’cause I didn’t tell you we were going to Vegas, you read my mind, stop. Okay, so I can’t tell you, okay keep going.

Cindy Kaza: So I see you in Vegas, actually I see that being in the business, like it’s business and pleasure, not just having fun, but you’re gonna be networking there, so you need to be, make sure you don’t forget to bring your new business cards with you to hand out to some of the distribut, there’s like a little, gosh, it’s a small, okay it’s like a boutique bar. Do you work with speakeasy’s? Are you trying to get your alcohol into like tiny like,

Captain Brien:  I’m tryin to get it into anything and everything. Every place I freakin look at,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  I wanna get it into.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah okay, so it’s interesting because I keep seeing, like it’s not in a casino, it’s like it feels, or maybe it is, but it feels like a secret bar, or like a speakeasy, or some, exclusive thing.

Captain Brien: Maybe it’s my favorite place, the hidden, no name pizza place. The hidden place, have you ever been there?

Cindy Kaza: No.

Captain Brien:  Oh my God, it’s outta control.

Cindy Kaza: What do they have a speakeasy in there?

Captain Brien: They have it at, I think it’s at the Bellagio or the Venetian, there’s a pizza place, it’s like one of the best pizza places ever, and there’s no name, no nothin, you like go by the back bathroom, and there’s literally like a New York pizza place.

Cindy Kaza: Ah, okay, okay, so it could be something like that because it’s weird how it, like feels like it’s a speakeasy or it’s a secret,

Captain Brien: And so it’s totally a secret, yeah that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: So make sure you have your business cards to bring in there.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, nevermind, I’m not sayin that, have you been had your physical this year yet?

Captain Brien: What’s that?

Cindy Kaza: Like your doctor physical?

Captain Brien: Oh have I had my physical, I thought you said have I been hydro physical. I’m like damn,

Cindy Kaza: Well that too.

Captain Brien: What is that, man I’ve got some future goin on. I have had a physical recently, yes I just recently had one ’cause,

Cindy Kaza: Did you have, can I spill the beans? What I’m seeing?

Captain Brien: What did I do?

Cindy Kaza: Do you have anything with your prostate? I’m not a doctor, so please, I’m not a doctor,

Captain Brien: No.

Cindy Kaza:  But anything with, did you have the prostate exam?

Captain Brien:  I didn’t, but actually, the doctor that somehow disappeared, that is no longer practicing in Naples, that I had to leave, that’s why I went to a new doctor, he was supposed to give me the old prostate exam, and when I went there, after being all stressed out about going to get one, he forgot that I was gonna get one. So I didn’t tell him that I needed one. I chickened out, and the next thing you know, his practice is gone, so I had to go to a new doctor. But the doctor told me that I was good, I had to wait for a few more years, I wasn’t really ready.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, alright, so maybe that’s why I’m seeing

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Like get the prostate exam.

Captain Brien: So my bung bung is good for a few more years.

Cindy Kaza:  I’m glad we cleared that up. So maybe I’m just picking up that you didn’t have it done. You missed your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: But good, I’m glad it’s all good.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I was stressed, I thought I had to go to get one, it was a whole thing, because they gave me, he told me I had to the doctor and get these pills or something, like they’re flush me out, I had to take two of them, so then I didn’t get those pills, I was like oh my God, I didn’t do the pill thing, ’cause I was already stressed about doin that. But when I got there, the guy totally forgot that I was supposed to go there for the, yeah. So it worked out good.

Cindy Kaza: Alright good. You just did a colon cleanse, no big deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s like, yeah. And then he’s like, I gotta take two, I’m like God, maybe I’m backed up extra, I don’t know. One didn’t do the trick, how does he know, he didn’t even check me yet. So I don’t know, that’s how it worked.

Cindy Kaza: Oh this seat warmers so hot all of a sudden. Oh my God you’re killing me.

Captain Brien:  I don’t have a seat warmer on, maybe that’s, that’s me. That’s you seeing me

Cindy Kaza:  I’m so hot.

Captain Brien:  and you in the future and getting hot, that’s what it is.

Cindy Kaza:  See, he’s flirting

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting.

Cindy Kaza:  And I’m working for him. He’s lying.

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting. I’m not flirting, I’m just explaining what could possibly happen. I can see in the future. I can see the future.

Cindy Kaza: Oh my God what a hot mess.

Captain Brien:  Okay so what else? You’ve been right on like too much so far. Because I don’t know what you were thinking that you couldn’t say, because that’s probably true also. Damn.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, what else.

Captain Brien:  How did you know I was goin to Vegas? What gave you, no

Cindy Kaza: I didn’t, I just

Captain Brien: I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  heard Las Vegas in my mind.

Captain Brien: No but how did you know in your mind that I was going to Las Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: Well that’s how psychic stuff works, you just like trust

Captain Brien: Right, but somebody

Cindy Kaza:  what you’re getting.

Captain Brien: needs to know like what came to you that said, Captain’s goin to Vegas.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, so I’ll break down a reading for you, just to explain it a little.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Who’s saying hi here, let’s see. Oh somebody’s dying about your, we’re talking about your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So no, the way it works is like, okay so when I’m like tuning into you, I see images, which is clairvoyant, sometimes I hear things, but it’s not like you’re hearing me, it’s like if you were to like, it sounds like you’re talking to yourself. So I hear words, I’ll feel things,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: But with the Vegas thing, I kept seeing a sign, in my mind that said Las Vegas, so then I had a feeling you were going to Las Vegas, Right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And then I kept being, seeing, I’m seeing a lot of pictures, so then I would see, what looked like a speakeasy, so I was like that’s why I’m seeing, or like a secret thing, right.

Captain Brien: Okay yeah, ’cause the no name pizza place is one of my favorite places in Las Vegas.

Cindy Kaza: Right okay, that makes sense, right.

Captain Brien: And it’s like a total, like, yeah there’s no, anything about the place that’s, it’s all secretive, and you just have to kinda know where it is.

Cindy Kaza:  Right, and then with the bourbon, that I didn’t see in my mind, what I was hearing was berry bourbon, berry bourbon, so that makes sense

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Because I didn’t know what kind of berry, but that’s what I was hearing, so it all kinda blends in and you just, as a psychic,

Captain Brien: And you coulda picked tequila, you coulda said anything, you had no idea that I was gonna say that I’m working on a bourbon.

Cindy Kaza: Right.

Captain Brien: And one of my high school best friends, is now the CEO of the largest importer of acai in the U.S.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The company, Sambazon

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so he is trying to get me to do acai berry,

Cindy Kaza: Bourbon.

Captain Brien: Bourbon.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, you should do it.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, you think it, like in the future, do you see a lot of money?

Cindy Kaza:  I feel like that one’s, like I said, it’s like a slower build.

Captain Brien: You’re supposed to say yes, I see huge,

Cindy Kaza: yes, you’re going to be rich, you’re gonna have

Cindy Kaza: Captain Brien: amazing dollars, yes.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my, he’s still trying to kill me. This man is trying to kill me.

Captain Brien:  I just wanted you to make sure that you weren’t just totally focused on this reading, you had to make sure you knew what was aware around you.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever.

Captain Brien: You’re surroundings, you know what I’m saying?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah so, I think you should do berry bourbon, you’re gonna be successful, it’s gonna be good. Okay?

Captain Brien: Alright, we’ll look it. You know how they have those filters, the light filters? I did this one naturally, my lighting guy did this, this stream of light.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s like, for you, like wahhhh, the light is coming through,

Cindy Kaza:  Oh.

Captain Brien: You see ’em? Do you see the,

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah it looks nice, it looks really nice.

Captain Brien: It’s nice right? It’s technical, ya know, it’s how my people roll when they film, ya know, they wanna do a little, we’re not just gonna shoot, what do ya think this is, da da, ya know, ya know, the Discovery Channel or the Travel Channel? We’re above that, come on, it’s not like I don’t have a TV show on the freakin Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: You should.

Captain Brien: I know.

Cindy Kaza: Captain’s Log, it’s goin,

Captain Brien: Jeez, I tell ya.

Cindy Kaza: It’s goin live, it’s gonna be on a major network one day.

Captain Brien: It’s goin huge, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Its goin huge. It’s goin huge.

Captain Brien:  It’s gonna blow up. It’s gonna blow up someday, we’re watchin.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, Captains la, nevermind, I was just gonna go la.

Captain Brien: Did you see my license plate, like to captains log now? I think, didn’t you tell me not to have captain L-O-L?

Cindy Kaza: No, but I was just tying it into our whole thing about your issue.

Captain Brien: Stop it, stop it. Okay we gotta go guys,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye guys.

Captain Brien: This is the Captain’s Log, we’re out, Cindy Kaza, go see her.

Cindy Kaza:  Hi Erin, love you too.

Captain Brien: Go see her live, she’s amazing, and literally, that reading that she just did, was totally off the cuff, and I didn’t even tell ya I was gonna do that.

Cindy Kaza:  No you didn’t.

Captain Brien: I just told you were goin live on the Captain’s Log.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The last time you did do a little reading, and the time before that, you’re like, I’m not reading you.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah, you didn’t read me.

Cindy Kaza: But I brought your grandpa through that time, ‘member?

Captain Brien: That was the last time.

Cindy Kaza: Oh.

Captain Brien: That was the only time. The time before that, you’re like, na I don’t wanna do a reading you, it’s too much.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You told me that.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, maybe ’cause I was seeing some things and I don’t know, who knows why.

Captain Brien: It’s probably you felt a connection, and you were scared.

Cindy Kaza:  I just was like, I really think I have feelings for you,

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think that’s what it was.

Cindy Kaza:  And I just, I have to, like, I can’t.

Captain Brien: And ya didn’t wanna face, face to face me.

Cindy Kaza:  I didn’t wanna…

Captain Brien: I get it, I get it, sometimes it happens, sometimes you gotta go with it. Guys we’re outta here, she’s getting too much,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye.

Captain Brien: Too much for me.


S2:E10 The Captain’s Log with Amy Hunter and Captain Brien Bring You Couples Therapy!



Everyone’s favorite Mom from The Outnumbered Mother by Amy Hunter on the #captainslog! Don’t miss out on her live show at #offthehookcomedyclub Wednesday, January 28th! She is now here to bring you couples therapy!

Watch Full Video —————>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRhbmKe-Ss

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Amy Hunter out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back, live on The Captain’s Log. Amy Hunter and this is exciting cause we’re just a few days away from your live show.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited for live show.

Amy Hunter: Couples therapy?

Amy Hunter: Yes.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do some couples therapy? Tell me.

Amy Hunter: The last couple shows we did were really geared towards moms’ night out and my buddies who actually have penises were like we’re not being represented. I thought maybe you got trapped.

Captain Brien: I felt like I was freaking trapped, Jesus.

Amy Hunter: I went on a vacation with all of my friends on the internet last summer and we stayed in an AirBnB on this lake in Michigan. It was gorgeous, but there was like a bathroom downstairs with a pocket door and everyone kept getting trapped in the bathroom.

Amy Hunter: We kept texting each other like help, trapped in the bathroom and it’s embarrassing enough that it’s a bathroom but usually if you went down to the basement to go to the bathroom you were probably going number two.

Amy Hunter: So it’s just so embarrassing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re getting out of the way.

Amy Hunter: How emasculating. You’re like get me outta here.

Captain Brien: That’s pretty bad too.

Amy Hunter: It was so bad

Amy Hunter: I was like I can’t believe y’all are still my friends after this weekend. We got stuck in a bathroom. Then you’re questioning your IQ.

Amy Hunter: You’re like how long is it to get out of a room.

Captain Brien: Running the shower.

Captain Brien: Turning the radio on. Oh, I’m just listening to the radio on my phone.

Amy Hunter: You had to life the door up and like that.

Amy Hunter: It was not my best moment.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Amy Hunter: We’re all sharing the text messages from each other like help, it’s me.

Amy Hunter: I’m downstairs.

Captain Brien: So how often do you text when you’re using the bathroom?

Amy Hunter: You mean actually have conversations with people?

Captain Brien: Yeah, do you text a lot?

Amy Hunter: I scroll. I will scroll like nobody’s business and I’ll comment on things online. I mean I guess I do text sometimes. I don’t know. Not often am I texting. In general I’m not texting a lot.

Captain Brien: The other day I was texting somebody and then they called me and they’re like you sound like you’re in the bathroom and I’m like well that’s good cause I am.

Amy Hunter: I am.

Captain Brien: That’s the reason why I was texting you.

Amy Hunter: I was texting you.

Captain Brien: Why are you calling me?

Amy Hunter: I have a degree of friendships. If you’re a really really good friend I will answer the phone in the bathroom.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Amy Hunter: If you’re a very good friend if I have to pee I will not get off the phone with you.

Amy Hunter: And I will pee with you on the phone, but if you’re an acquaintance I won’t answer when you call.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Amy Hunter: If I’m in the potty, no. But also being a mom you don’t get alone time.

Captain Brien: Cause then you have to hit the mute when you flush.

Captain Brien: Right? And they’re like hey are you there? Yeah, I’m here.

Amy Hunter: I’m fine, totally.

Captain Brien: I just freaking ran in the other room after I flushed.

Amy Hunter:Totally. I couldn’t share with you what was going on.

Captain Brien: Hello, hello.

Amy Hunter: You couldn’t know at all.

Captain Brien: Moms do that, dads do it.

Amy Hunter: Dude. Well, you know I still have young kids so I haven’t been alone in the bathroom since 2005.

Amy Hunter: Right.

Captain Brien: They’re at the point now where if you actually close and lock the door they’ll just start shoving things like mom open this.

Amy Hunter: I’m like, what?

Captain Brien: Oh, they want you to do that right away?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I’m like you know you have a dad. He is here somewhere.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Amy Hunter: He has hands. My husband’s doing this new thing and I think that happens when you get a little bit older, is that he could fall asleep anywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Amy Hunter: He’s a narcoleptic.

Captain Brien: I’m the worst, I’m the opposite.

Amy Hunter: I can’t fall asleep.

Captain Brien: Fall asleep ever.

Amy Hunter: I have to take an Ambien.

Amy Hunter: Two Benadryls. Some over the counter thing and I’m still sitting there going oh, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher mom.

Amy Hunter: I can’t even fall asleep ever.

Captain Brien: Last night, I didn’t wanna take a Benadryl but I was having an allergy attack.

Amy Hunter: So it was totally productive.

Captain Brien: I’m not supposed to eat soy. Like an idiot I ate a teriyaki chicken rice bowl or something, it’s all soy.

Amy Hunter: The whole thing, right.

Amy Hunter: What’s the thing with soy are you allergic to it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m allergic to soy.

Amy Hunter: Oh, that’ll do it.

Captain Brien: Teriyaki sauce is made with soy sauce, right. It’s all soy. So like an idiot I ate it. All night I was suffering, sneezing. I’m like I’m not gonna take a Benadryl cause there’s no way I can wake up and go to the gym in the morning. After I take a Benadryl it kills me.

Amy Hunter: It really kicks your ass. It kills me.

Amy Hunter: Not me.

Captain Brien: No? You’re fine?

Amy Hunter: With an Ambien, and a Benadryl.

Captain Brien: And a Bendaryl?

Amy Hunter: And an over the counter sleep aid.

Captain Brien: Oh, you’re hardcore.

Amy Hunter: Dude, and I have to have headphones on with an Ambien app.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but you’re drinking coffee right now.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I started at six.

Amy Hunter: If I get six hours of sleep, it’s go time.

Captain Brien: You’re ready to go.

Amy Hunter: Dude, I would make the world’s worst hostage.

Captain Brien: Ever.

Amy Hunter: Dude!

Captain Brien: They would be giving you back?

Amy Hunter: Sleep deprived, I will tell you all the secrets.

Amy Hunter: I will tell you everything.

Amy Hunter: Let me spill.

Captain Brien: You just start right away?

Amy Hunter: After 24 hours of no sleep? Blah.

Captain Brien: Boop!

Amy Hunter: I’m like, state secrets.

Captain Brien: It comes out.

Amy Hunter: I’d be the shittiest CIA operative ever.

Amy Hunter: Every time I watch Homeland and they make the Clara Danes character look like the hottest mess ever I’m like nope, I’d be worse.

Captain Brien: My daughter would be the best.

Amy Hunter: Yeah? She has a poker face and stuff.

Captain Brien: When she was three you couldn’t get it out of her.

Amy Hunter: Woo.

Captain Brien: If you’re gonna rob a bank you take her.

Amy Hunter: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s like key, vault. Nothing’s coming out.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how I’d feel as a dad with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s tough. It’s tough. One time she drank cough syrup–

Captain Brien: When she was little, and she reeked of cough syrup. You’d notice now, right?

She’s wearing lipstick around her face. You didn’t touch the lipstick?

Captain Brien: She’s like nope, didn’t do it. Nope. I’m like Briana.

Captain Brien: You know that I can smell the cough syrup. Nope, never happened.

Amy Hunter: She’s taking it to the grave.

Captain Brien: Yeah. She still says she didn’t do it.

Amy Hunter: You know, I admire her commitment though.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: Because if you’re going to do it take it to the next level. You have to stick with the lie. You have to. Even my friend, someone I knew or something was cheating, he still to this day is like never happened. Never happened. She’s like you had her panties in your car!

Captain Brien: Of course.

Amy Hunter: No. You gotta commit to the lie.

Captain Brien: You just gotta keep going with it.

Amy Hunter: I’m not good. I’m not good at that kinda stuff.

Captain Brien: You give it up right away.

Amy Hunter: Well because I find the more lies you tell the better of a memory you have to have and I suck with that. I can’t remember your name 20 minutes after I met you. I’m like who? What?

Captain Brien: I think the good liars, and I know a few really good ones, they just believe it.

Amy Hunter: Yes. Oh yeah, because they’re sociopaths.

Captain Brien: They believe what they’re saying. I’m like that’s not how this happened!

Captain Brien: What are you talking about? But in their mind they’re clearly like no this is exactly what happened.

Amy Hunter: But I know it didn’t.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Amy Hunter: I was there.

Captain Brien: I was there. That’s nowhere near the way it worked.

Amy Hunter: It’s hard to argue with someone like that.

Captain Brien: It’s so hard. You can’t.

Amy Hunter: See I have a– It was recently pointed out to me I am argumentative. I did not know I was argumentative. I thought that I was just strong and

Amy Hunter: You know, a little, maybe high strung. Took an Uber the other night, downtown Naples to go out to eat. We get in the car. Of course I had to sit shotgun cause my friends hate other people. I don’t hate people. So we get this Uber driver, who’s a chick, and I was all into that because we never get chick Uber drivers. She has on a 90’s, 80’s station. I’m like oh, yes, love this song. It’s Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah!

Amy Hunter: We’re all dressed to go out.

Captain Brien: By the way he was my neighbor for a while.

Amy Hunter: Nice! Was he a nice guy?

Captain Brien: He never talked to me once. But he did wash his Mustang 5.0 convertible with his shirt off in the driveway.

Amy Hunter: Ooh, and that did something for you?

Captain Brien: No!

Amy Hunter: Oh.

Captain Brien: It was before Instagram. I should’ve taken a picture.

Amy Hunter: You should’ve. Robert Van Winkle whatever. So this lady, Ice Ice Baby’s on, and she goes yeah, I know. I like this song too. She goes it’s a shame that Billy Joel sued him, for the rights to that bassline. I’m like no, no Billy Joel didn’t sue him.

Amy Hunter: Right, I just got confused. It wasn’t Billy Joel. It was Queen and it was Bowie. She goes no, no. Hundred percent it was Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Wait, the Uber girl?

Amy Hunter: Uber girl!

Captain Brien: Oh! Jesus.

Amy Hunter: She decides to take on the Long Islander. We knew Billy Joel songs more than we know National fucking Anthem.

Amy Hunter: I mean honestly, you don’t question a Long Island girl with Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Amy Hunter: I can sing The Stranger, the entire album, front to back to you right now. Glass Houses, hi. I’m like no, no, no, no. I just start googling and my friends hate confrontation. They’re in the back seat like cringing.

Captain Brien: Wait were they like Amy’s doing it again?

Amy Hunter: No, when we got out of the car, of course I was freaking right and proved it. She was like oh I can’t believe you were right. I’m like don’t take on the master, homie, don’t. They’re like get out of the car, and the one friend goes you are kind of argumentative. I said but she was wrong!

Captain Brien: It wasn’t an argument. You just had the facts right.

Amy Hunter: That’s the thing. Opinion versus facts. They’re two separate things. The sky is blue. My eyes are green. Billy Joel did not sue Vanilla Ice.

Captain Brien: Vanilla, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Dude, don’t test me on a fact. I’ll cut you, obviously. Poor Uber lady. She gave me one star. She rated me.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Amy Hunter: Thanks a lot.

Captain Brien: I believe it. What kind of car was she driving?

Amy Hunter: It was a Honda, no big. I mean I haven’t really gotten an Uber situation where the car is really great, have you?

Captain Brien: No, but I do see that funny prank all the time and I keep watching it.

Amy Hunter: Which one?

Captain Brien: You haven’t seen the guy that picks everyone up in the Lambo? You haven’t seen it?

Amy Hunter: I have not seen that.

Captain Brien: Oh, it’s great! He’s like Uber! They’re like what? This is my Uber?

Captain Brien: He’s like yeah, Uber.

Captain Brien: Come on I got you, I got you.

Captain Brien: Then when they’re driving he says something to them like you want me to go really fast

Captain  Brien: Or really slow or something like that and everyone’s like go really fast. Then he pins them to the seat and they’re like oh my god!

Amy Hunter: Wait but Uber tells you what kind of car is coming for you.

Captain Brien: I don’t know maybe it says it like on there.

Amy Hunter: See, you have to be the most gullible human being just to get into anyone’s car.

Captain Brien: But he really is Ubering.

Amy Hunter: Oh, okay that’s different.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s really picking them up.

Amy Hunter: Okay, so it’s not a prank, he just has a Lambo.

Captain Brien: No, it’s their real Uber.

Amy Hunter: Okay, alright.

Captain Brien: He does it, you know it’s like a pranky kinda funny thing.

Amy Hunter: That’s funny.

Captain Brien: He doesn’t do it all the time.

Amy Hunter: Why would you do that to your Lambo?

Captain Brien: The guy that was the Uber driver was like alright. He’s getting a freaking Lambo.

Amy Hunter: That’s so funny. That’s good. I really need to look that up.

Captain Brien: It’s a good move.

Amy Hunter: Is it in town?

Amy Hunter: Cause I need to get up on that.

Captain Brien: No, no. It’s definitely not right here.

Amy Hunter: I’ll Uber everywhere just to maybe get the Lambo.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. No, no, no, it’s not. But you could go to Full Throttle Exotics. My buddy, Joe, will hook you up. You could get a Lambo anytime. On my budget, I am totally set for a Lambo. It’s a very practical car for children and car seats.

Captain Brien: Hey Kelsey, what’s going on?

Amy Hunter: Hi, how are you?

Captain Brien: Kelsey’s my box office manager. She’s saying hello to us.

Amy Hunter: Hi, and Marie.

Captain Brien: And Marie. Yes, yes.

Amy Hunter: Hey girl, hey.

Captain Brien: So we’re in Naples, Florida. We’re getting ready for Wednesday night’s show.

Amy Hunter: So excited.

Captain Brien: What time’s the show? 7 o’clock?

Amy Hunter: 7 o’clock.

Captain Brien: Who’s on the show?

Amy Hunter: I have four other amazing comics coming in.

Captain Brien: I should know this, why am I asking you?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you really should know this.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible.

Amy Hunter: I have Shannon Kelly from I think Tampa, and Aneeria’s coming in from Tampa, Neera Tourney. Who else is?

Captain Brien: Is Marie Annette on this one?

Amy Hunter: No, Marie Annette decided not to do this one cause she has a show up in Fort Myers going on.

Amy Hunter: Okay, good.

Amy Hunter: Who else was it? Oh my god, I’m forgetting. Nancy Francis.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, Nancy’s very funny.

Amy Hunter: Right, and I had to get her out of hiding to come back and do this show. She actually just auditioned for America’s Got Talent. So we’re waiting to hear.

Captain Brien: Good for her, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: She’ll know by Wednesday.

Captain Brien: That’s great, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m forgetting someone really good and I’m totally pissed–

Captain Brien: There is one more coming.

Amy Hunter: Cause she really made me laugh.

Captain Brien: And you host it.

Amy Hunter: I am hosting.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m doing the top end. It’s a great show.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: It’s just a really good vibe. It’s loose. It ends up being like a high school reunion of sorts. It’s like Amy, this is your life. Everybody comes out of the woodwork, and I love that. The only funny thing for me is every time I do a show with my hometown crowd, most comics take their set and they work on it for years. They take the same set, they work on it for years, and I can’t do the same set for a hometown crowd. So, it’s always a whole new thing.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: Some people don’t come thinking I’m doing the same set, and that’s not true. It’s always good.

Captain Brien: Well no, because this is about the couples, right?

Amy Hunter: Right. This is about marriage, relationships, it’s about lots of stuff. Parenting, family, being a gal. We could bitch about so much. A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking when I was on my way here, about how if a white girl had a signature drink, you know what it would be.

Captain Brien: What would it be?

Amy Hunter: It would be a vodka soda water.

Captain Brien: Yeah because there’s no cals, no calories.

Amy Hunter: Right, bartenders see me coming and they’re already pouring. It’s either that or a white claw. That’s our signature drink.

Captain Brien: Now you could drink Captain Brien’s because it’s sugar free.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited about the Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

Amy Hunter: Vodka and rum.

Captain Brien: And I have a white rum coming as well.

Amy Hunter: Now what’s the difference in taste between a white and a dark rum? Is there a difference?

Captain Brien: Yeah, well the dark rum that we have is barrel-aged and we infuse it with vanilla beans and tobacco leaves.

Amy Hunter: Ew.

Captain Brien: That has a little bit darker, more rich flavor. Especially smokey from the barrels, because the barrels are bourbon barrels.

Amy Hunter: This is all in my wheelhouse.

Captain Brien: Then the white is just really clean, organic, white rum that comes out with the gin. I have a gin, but I couldn’t do anything for like six weeks because of the government shutdown. It’s been in the system just pending. It just keeps saying still pending, still pending, still pending.

Amy Hunter: That was a messy 35 days. Everyone’s fine with it until it messes up your air travel.

Captain Brien: I heard today six billion dollars lost in the economy.

Amy Hunter: Yeah lost, you know that makes sense.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: That’s exactly the wall money.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Can we just slip it over there, there we go.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you know, it’s a pissing contest, gotta love it.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: The fact that it upset your apple cart–

Amy Hunter: That makes me really mad.

Captain Brien: I can’t do anything because everyday it just says–

Amy Hunter: Waiting, waiting.

Captain Brien: pending, pending, pending.

Amy Hunter: Now it’s over and you’ve got three weeks to get your shit together before it comes again.

Captain Brien: I heard that they’re six months behind now.

Captain Brien: Which is weird. How can you be six weeks of work and that puts you six months behind?

Amy Hunter: Bad logged, I don’t know how that works but someone’s doing a slow thing at their job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Amy Hunter: You’re talking about with your booze.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’re saying that the approvals.

Amy Hunter: Oh, they’re talking about federal government approvals?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Well you knew how the federal government works. This surprises you?

Captain Brien: Yeah because the ATF, the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has to give the final signature sign off–

Amy Hunter: Makes sense.

Captain Brien: On the product before they put it on the shelf.

Amy Hunter: I worked for the government at one point.

Captain Brien: You did?

Amy Hunter: I worked for DCF.

Captain Brien: What’d you do? Oh, DCF.

Amy Hunter: Mhmm, and they are slow.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are.

Amy Hunter: Everything is very slow. You’re watching the wheels just spin, like a gerbil, on them. It was not a good job.

Captain Brien: You can’t fire it up, speed up? How do you not speed things up? I just don’t understand.

Amy Hunter: I couldn’t personally do it.

Captain Brien: Why?

Amy Hunter: I had 60 to 75 kids on my caseload at any one given time.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Right, and that’s everyone in the system, and I was in foster care so I had to go and make sure they were okay. Well let’s say driving time and visit time takes you an hour per kid. Working a full work week of 40 hours a week, you do the math. Can’t get to everyone.

Captain Brien: So what happens?

Amy Hunter: They fall through the cracks.

Captain Brien: They do?

Amy Hunter: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s so sad though.

Amy Hunter: It was a very sad job, and I didn’t have children yet. I would get in my office and cry. My boss would come and knock on the–

Captain Brien: Are they pushing though? Are they really pushing or are they chill?

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how the system is now.

Captain Brien: How were they? Were they like we gotta do this today?

Amy Hunter: There are state mandated things. If a kid’s in a certain status you have to go see them at this time. Cause they are the most threatened, the most in a situation that’s terrible. But there’s so many fake calls like divorce proceedings and people are like oh I found a bruise on my kid’s bottom. Come on, that’s not a real thing. Stop fighting and get your shit together.

Captain Brien: So then you’d have to go.

Amy Hunter: And make it through the whole system when it’s not a huge, real problem. Does the kid have welts on his face? Have you lit him on fire?

Amy Hunter: There were kids that were really messed up.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: It was a terrible, terrible time.

Captain Brien: That’s so sad, that is sad.

Amy Hunter: All I ever wanted to do work with students. I was like how did I get here.

Captain Brien: So you studied what in college?

Amy Hunter: I was secondary english education major.

Captain Brien: I have no idea what that means.

Amy Hunter: That means I can teach school. In a high school or a middle school level.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: I can do nothing else. I also know the proper way to conjugate the word there.

Captain Brien: Wait you can’t do anything else because?

Amy Hunter: I’m just kidding.

Captain Brien: I don’t, I don’t. I’m very bad at that. There, they’re, what else is there?

Amy Hunter: To, too, and two.

Captain Brien: Terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at those.

Amy Hunter: I think most people walking around are terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I think so too but everyone wants to point it out.

Amy Hunter: Especially on the internet.

Captain Brien: They so do.

Amy Hunter: Cause if you say something stupid on the internet I’ll just come in and go there.

Captain Brien: Well that’s me. I do it probably half the time. But you know what, I don’t point out what you do everyday.

Captain Brien: For real.

Amy Hunter: It’s so easy though. It’s like the ultimate shutdown. I think that forever people have been screwing up those conjugations, but because now everyone’s typing on the internet, you’re just seeing it now. I don’t think this is new.

Captain Brien: When you dictate it, is it right?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: When you text to talk?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: I just go with it.

Amy Hunter: I don’t use text to talk a lot.

Captain Brien: You don’t?

Amy Hunter: No because then I’m asking my husband to pick up milk and now it’s asking him to pick up a stripper and it’s very convoluted. He thinks he needs a breastfeeding mother at home. He’s like milk from a boobie?

Captain Brien: What is this?

Captain Brien: Milk in a movie, you’re like hey!

Amy Hunter: Most problems in any relationship are due to bad communication. You misunderstood what they meant.

Captain Brien: When you get home, do you talk about the whole day?

Amy Hunter: My husband and I? We take a 20 minute, we attempt.

Captain Brien: Wait, you literally have times?

Amy Hunter: No. We try.

Captain Brien: Really?

Amy Hunter: Then the kids are like Daddy, Daddy.

Captain Brien: I wondered why I failed.

Amy Hunter: He’s like can I just have a minute with Mom?

Amy Hunter: Well we actually kind of sometimes like each other, you know what I’m saying?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Believe you me, there are sometimes that he looks at me with disdain.

Amy Hunter: He’s just like mhmm, yeah, okay, great day. I was telling him the other day about going to the auto parts store and he was like really?

Captain Brien: What’d you go to the auto parts store for?

Amy Hunter: This is funny. So I needed new windshield wipers, but of course like a normal woman I waited until it was pissing raining to actually go.

Captain Brien: Of course and you’re like damn I can’t see.

Amy Hunter: Everyday I’m like I need new windshield wipers. Then it’s torrential downpour and I’m like oh, shit.

Amy Hunter: Shit just got real. I go to the advanced auto parts store. I get in there, and I am a moron in there. I don’t know what I’m doing. For men it’s like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was like a scene from Clerks. This guy’s behind the counter, it’s all dusty and gross, I had just come from the gym. I’m like hi, I need new windshield wipers. He’s like okay. I’m like when it goes upward you can’t see. He’s like yeah I’m not a doctor.

Amy Hunter: He’s like what kind of car, I tell him. He’s like what’s the make, what’s the model, what’s the year? I’m like I don’t know the year. He’s like really? I had to go run out in the rain, come back in, whole deal.

Captain Brien: Wait, you did it?

Amy Hunter: I had to go out and find out.

Captain Brien: You had to read the VIN number?

Amy Hunter: No, I just looked at my insurance thing.

Captain Brien: Oh okay.

Amy Hunter: So I get back in and he looks it up. I’m like you don’t just know this by heart? This is all you do. So now I’m judging him, he’s upset.

Captain Brien: Of course, right away.

Amy Hunter: Right away, bam.

Captain Brien: You’re not confrontational though.

Amy Hunter: No, I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien:No, you’re not argumentative.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.

Captain Brien: No, no this is him, he should’ve totally known every make and model.

Amy Hunter: No smile, no smile, and I’m all doo, doo doo. So he goes okay, they’re size 26 and a size 18. He goes you know, they’re not the same size. I’m like oh like boobs. Just like that. This poor guy. He keeps having a #metoo moment. I literally sexually harassed him in the workplace.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you did.

Amy Hunter: He had this face on that was like either this is an episode of Undercover Boss–

Captain Brien: Right. I’m not supposed to say a damn thing.

Amy Hunter: He didn’t say a damn thing. I was like I’m sorry I made it awkward. I’m just gonna go over here and get my windshield wipers and get outta here.

Captain Brien:He didn’t put them on.

Amy Hunter: Well that’s the other thing. There are signs everywhere that says free installation, free installation, free installation.

Captain Brien: Right, but he didn’t offer.

Amy Hunter: He did not offer and I’m standing there and I’m like hey how do I put these on in the store.

Captain Brien: Oh get outta here!

Amy Hunter: Because I really was gonna do it myself and he’s like well, I guess I can do it. I’m like it is raining, I get it. So he comes out, starts doing it, and he wants to get away from me as fast as possible. He is over me. I got my umbrella and I put it over his head and he was surprised that I’m actually nice. I’m like but you have to work all day. I’m not gonna make you be all wet. I can go home and change. He’s like that was actually very nice. I’m like I swear I’m not a sexual predator.

Captain Brien: Boobs are uneven. They’re not the same size.

Captain Brien: This is true. So wait, there’s two separate sizes?

Amy Hunter: Mm, usually left is bigger.

Captain Brien: No not the boobs the windshield wipers!

Amy Hunter: Yes, of course! Put your windshield wipers up, they’re different sizes, it depends on the car.

Captain Brien: Why is the left bigger than the right?

Amy Hunter: In general on boobs?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Cause it’s over your heart.

Captain Brien: Awh.

Amy Hunter: And most people are righties. So you’re using this muscle more. I might be wrong on that part.

Captain Brien: I think you made that up.

Amy Hunter: I think the heart thing’s right.

Amy Hunter: Cause we talked about this.

Captain Brien: Well we learned something new today, guys. See on The Captain’s Log, its amazing.

Amy Hunter: I wanna hear what y’all say. Is it just my boobs? Cause if it’s my boobs I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, your left is bigger than the right.

Amy Hunter: I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien: Not at all.

Amy Hunter: I’m just proving I’m not right now.

Captain Brien: What do you do just pull the strap up more on the right?

Amy Hunter: No, just one hangs out a little bit more.

Captain Brien: Oh, alright.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: That would be a great business. A bra that you can have two separate size cups.

Captain Brien: It could be a little dialer. You could dial it.

Amy Hunter: Such a man thing.

Captain Brien: You know how they dial it?

Amy Hunter: Like a Nike pump shoe?

Captain Brien: Yeah, when you dial it could get smaller and you could dial and open it up. Then you just put it right on.

Amy Hunter: Would you have a dial where your nipple is?

Captain Brien: No they could be two pieces of material and they dial like this, like that.

Amy Hunter: Such a man. Oh my god, I love you, B, but–

Captain Brien: Like this and like that.

Amy Hunter: Like this? Do you mean in the middle like a dial?

Captain Brien: No, on the cup.

Amy Hunter: You tell me when this comes out, ill try it.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna come up with it.

Amy Hunter: You show me when.

Captain Brien: It’s a million dollar idea. I’m giving it away. It’s freaking ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Everyone’s gonna copy it.

Amy Hunter: I told you that I had a great idea for a bra. It was called the Brocket, and it has a pocket in there for your phone. Someone already made it, but it’s not called the Brocket. That’s on me. I’m told I’m not supposed to put my phone in my bra. Its like bad for boobs.

Captain Brien: Did you get royalties on the Brocket?

Amy Hunter: I did not. Someone had already made it.

Captain Brien: Oh, dammit.

Amy Hunter: I know, I was really pissed.

Captain Brien: You got a little late to the party.

Amy Hunter: I started doing my due diligence. Looking it up, patenting the whole thing, trademark, and it was already there.

Captain Brien: Damn.

Amy Hunter: But they’re probably getting sued cause bras and phones don’t mix.

Captain Brien: What happens if you get one of those phones that overheats? Burns you right the hell off. Gone.

Amy Hunter: Dude. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

Captain Brien: That’s it.

Amy Hunter: Fire nipple, no. I’m good. I already have enough things. I don’t need that.

Captain Brien: It’s like hot milk.

Captain Brien: Hot boob?

Captain Brien: Hot milk. Hot milk. I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Alright, guys. We gotta go.

Amy Hunter: Brien’s killing me. It just got a little real.

Captain Brien: We gotta get outta here. See you later.

Amy Hunter: Bye, see you on Wednesday!

Captain Brien: Watch us tomorrow, come see Amy-

Captain Brien: Out the Hook, Wednesday, later.


S2:E9 The Captain’s Log with Craig Shoemaker



Emmy winner Craig Shoemaker joins Captain Brien on today’s ride where they discuss last year’s Superbowl bet, Philadelphia’s delicacy “scrapple,” Craig’s Shoemakers sons viral video, and of course the Lovemaster makes an appearance! Tune in to hear!

Watch full video at — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJMZ8YA54gY&t=21s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Craig Shoemaker out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome aboard the Captain’s Log, guys. Oh god, look at that zit right there, what is that thing? That’s a big one. Yeah, I just noticed that. Not a good look. We’re live, my gosh. Anyway, Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster’s with me today and we just finished up on 105.5 The Beat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes.

Captain Brien: And we’re gonna be–

Craig Shoemaker: How do I do this here?

Captain Brien: I’ll show ya. My daughter, she’ll do it 25 times. Watch, she’ll call me 25 times.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m on the information super cul-de-sac here,

Captain Brien: And, yeah, we’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it. Look at us, right there.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, look at that! Okay, so now I share it on my page.

Captain Brien: Yeah, there you go.

Craig Shoemaker: So people can watch.

Captain Brien: And you’re good.

Craig Shoemaker: On the Craig Shoemaker.

Captain Brien: And we’re in

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, there we go.

Captain Brien: You’re live, baby. So, we just left 105.5 The Beat, we’re in Fort Myers, it’s raining today.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yes, this is ruining my golf game. I don’t know why I golf, I play in these celebrity things, I got a trophy for closest to the car.

Captain Brien: How is your golf game? Come on, how’s your golf game?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not that good, I don’t have the head for it. There’s something wrong with me. Plus, I’m very scattered, I have four kids, I can’t meditate. Every time I meditate, I’m thinking, oh, I gotta pick my daughter up from pre-school! There’s something always on your mind.

Craig Shoemaker: As a matter of fact, you’re getting bothered by your daughter’s

Captain Brien: Yeah, my daughter. It’s her birthday though, I can’t knock it, she turns 12 today.

Craig Shoemaker: Okay, we’ll forgive her.

Captain Brien: So she’s all fired up. She needs me to pick her up at noon, did you ever hear of such a thing? You can’t stay a whole day of school ’cause it’s her birthday. Yeah, this is new to me, too. Believe me. I don’t know. I fell for it this year.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s not a real thing?

Captain Brien: I don’t think so.

Craig Shoemaker: You don’t bother checking with the school. It’s amazing what we believe from our kids.

Captain Brien: I don’t think it’s a thing. I just think my daughter conned me into pickin’ her up at noon today to get–

Craig Shoemaker: My son says, I said, “it’s finals week,” he goes, “We don’t study.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I guess it’s a new thing, “We don’t study for finals anymore.”

Captain Brien: Right. Yeah, they don’t do homework, that’s the other thing. “We don’t have homework during finals week.” I go, “Well don’t you have to study for the test?” “No study, no, we did everything in class.”

Craig Shoemaker: And then we have evidence too. You can go online now and see what they’re not doing. And then they have an excuse for that, too.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: They go, “Oh no, it’s a special program that I’m in.” It’s called the F program.

Captain Brien: That’s a classic. I love that they teach ’em that when it’s the busiest time of the week, the end, during the finals, they don’t have to do anything at home for it. Just like in real life, right? When you have a big show, you don’t prepare. You just walk right up there and do it.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, but they just think we’re a bunch of idiots. By the way, am I supposed to be nervous here? You’re on a show, while you’re driving, although it looks like I’m driving ’cause it looks like we’re in England on this thing.

Captain Brien: No, it’s the right way.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, is this the right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to them it’s the right way. When I don’t flip it, it’s the wrong way and they tell me the whole time, “You’re goin’ “the wrong–what kind of car is that?” “You’re on the wrong side of the road.”

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, during a tropical storm. What’s it called? Inda, Indra?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s a good name because there are very few Indras out there.

Craig Shoemaker: I feel so sorry, my friend’s daughter name is Katrina.

Captain Brien: Oh no!

Craig Shoemaker: So for the rest of her life, no one’s gonna wanna date her. I’m not datin’ that storm!

Captain Brien: Exactly, yeah, that’s a freakin’ disaster, catastrophe.

Craig Shoemaker: They should have names that you would never, you’re never gonna meet like an Adolf. There’s not a lot of Adolfs out there. Call a tropical storm, or Shmeggeggy.

Captain Brien: Right

Craig Shoemaker: There’s cyclone Shmeggeggy is comin’ this way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that would really suck if it was your name that was taken down by a storm.

Craig Shoemaker: Irma. Not a lot of Irmas out there.

Craig Shoemaker: Not a lot.You can get away with that one. Maybe that is what they’re doing now, they’re coming up with names that you wouldn’t really–

Captain Brien: They use the alphabet, right?

Craig Shoemaker: They do.

Captain Brien: And then they go around, that’s how they do it.

Craig Shoemaker: I haven’t seen a Craig yet.

Captain Brien: Ooh, Craig’s gonna be rough.

Craig Shoemaker: But, they should have one called the Lovemaster.

Captain Brien: Yeah, what kinda storm is that gonna be?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, baby. I’ll get you so wet they’ll have to call FEMA.

Captain Brien: You’ll be flooded.

Craig Shoemaker: You better get a wide angle, right there, baby. Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: For the Lovemaster?

Craig Shoemaker: For the Lovemaster baby.

Captain Brien: We look good today, it’s the lighting, the technical guy did a good job, didn’t he?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, God.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s his natural lighting here.

Captain Brien: Looks good, you look sexy, that beard.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, I wore the hat though, ’cause you picked me up so early.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been at it too. We’ve been at this for all morning!

Captain Brien: All morning.

Craig Shoemaker: Brought me a breakfast sandwich though.

Captain Brien: That was nice of me.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re like “that was nice of me.”

Captain Brien: It was!

Craig Shoemaker: I have to give you credit for being nice. And you did not renege on a bet last year. My Eagles against your Patriots. You send me a whole cooler filled with lobster rolls.

Captain Brien: That was a losing bet no matter how I looked at it. Even if I won–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, me sending you scrapples is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah, me getting chucked meat and a sandwich.

Craig Shoemaker: You ever heard of scrapple?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I have.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you that.

Captain Brien: What’s scrapple?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s–you gotta go.

Captain Brien: I gotta drive, I gotta drive. You got so interested in scrapple, I almost lost my concentration.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s called scrapple. Now, do you trust anything with the word “crap” sitting right in the middle of the word?

Captain Brien: No.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s one vowel away from scrap pile and that’s what it is.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how they make sausage? It’s what’s left over on the floor. So it’s a scrap pile.

Captain Brien: You’re shittin’ me.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s a pile, and they put it into a mold, and Philadelphians go, “Ah, just put ketchup on it, “it’ll put hair on your chest.” Well thanks for the health tip, Sasquatch.

Captain Brien: Wait, it’s the uncased sausage?

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, it’s the ingredients and it’s the snouts and all that stuff.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not very appetizing anymore.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: But we love it in Philadelphia, it’s a mold.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send that to you if the Patriots beat the Eagles last year. Fortunately for you and your digestive system, you did not win the bet, but I sure loved it.

Captain Brien: Then I would have really been pissed, ’cause I wanted a real Philly cheesesteak. I wasn’t gonna get one?

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you scrapple.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: No, I would’ve sent you cheesesteaks. I don’t know if they travel well.

Captain Brien: And I’m thinking, this guy’s gonna send me a cheeseteak for $50, and I’m spending $500 on lobsters. How the hell could I have lost that-

Craig Shoemaker: Was is $500?

Captain Brien: Dude, by the time you pay for everything it was like, it was a good $350 I’m not kidding.

Craig Shoemaker: I wanna bet you more often.

Captain Brien: It sent me back $350.

Craig Shoemaker: I would’ve had some guy make you a cheesesteak and bring it over to you.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Some guy in the Florida area here.

Captain Brien: I love a cheesesteak though, it’s one of my favs. How do you do your cheesesteak?

Craig Shoemaker: I do whiz, you gotta do the whiz.

Captain Brien: Is it, so–okay.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ll never forget Jay Leno, he used to go, “Whiz? Just how much whiz is in your cheese whiz?” I don’t know how much whiz is in it but it’s delicious. My females that I grew up with will not do the whiz. They were like, “that’s not real cheese.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, I want American cheese, but that’s not a tradition.

Craig Shoemaker: And then you put sauce, which you, an Italian you would say gravy, red gravy

Captain Brien: Wait, in Philly they put that on there?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, sauce in it and grilled onions.

Captain Brien: I love that, I didn’t know that was a real thing.

Craig Shoemaker: No yeah, it’s like a pizza steak.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah you put pizza sauce on the cheesesteak.

Captain Brien: Really?

Craig Shoemaker: But you go with the scrapple. I don’t know what kind of meat they used but I dropped it on my lap and it started humping my leg.

Captain Brien: Wait, you can get scrapple at the cheesesteak place?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, a lot of places, yeah. It’s a Philadelphia tradition, it’s a breakfast food.

Captain Brien: Oh, so–And what’s the best–

Craig Shoemaker: What’s the tradition here in Naples? What kind of breakfast do you eat?

Captain Brien: Everyone wants grouper. For breakfast, I don’t think we have a–

Craig Shoemaker: It has to be something soft, there’s a lot of old people here. The audience last night, the average age was on oxygen.

Captain Brien: You know what–

Craig Shoemaker: I had one guy, literally, I’m not kidding you, the entire show, why do you put someone in the front row who has a gape mouth the entire time?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: I thought he literally was going to die.

Captain Brien: It was a Jewish federation, they have a place upstairs, and they started out with 40 people, and they went to like 150 people. You know that it’s not a young organization.

Craig Shoemaker: No.

Captain Brien: I assume it’s very old. But you’ll see tonight, it’s a young crowd.

Craig Shoemaker: Tonight’s the young crowd?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it won’t be like that.

Craig Shoemaker: That means they’re like 70.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’ll be in their 60’s.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s the young crowd.

Captain Brien: No, no, it’s not like that.

Craig Shoemaker: I mentioned social media last night, I said, “Oh no, forget it.” Just send me a postcard.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s a Wednesday night with that crowd in there, I mean come on. It’s not gonna resonate too well. They think social media is them reading the newspaper when it’s delivered.

Craig Shoemaker: While they’re playing mahjong.

Captain Brien: Right. We’re being very social, yes.

Craig Shoemaker: My son, he’s into that “snatch chat.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, right?

Craig Shoemaker: That’s all he does all the time.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing though, I use it, I use it.

Craig Shoemaker: I didn’t, that’s the one I will not do.

Captain Brien: Why, because you gotta be quick?

Craig Shoemaker: I tried it for like–well because I’m– Whoa stop, stop, stop, oh my God.

Captain Brien: Hey, the car’s automatic. Look, look.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, no way?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it does everything.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, that would’ve stopped anyway? As you were ramming into that guy’s ass?

Captain Brien: Yeah, absolutely. Right in his butt hole.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s an idiot, by the way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, look at him, he went to the other guy. He had to cut over, to cut over, to cut over.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my god, he’s a tailgater, during a storm, and he has a piece of shit car. We should show people this car.

Captain Brien: Go tell him, go tell him.

Craig Shoemaker: What is that box that he’s driving? It drives like that?

Captain Brien: It’s terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Cut us off.

Captain Brien: Its terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Alright, so back to the funny.

Captain Brien: So back to your son doing Snapchat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes! I call it “snatch chat,” because when it first started, I saw a lot of disappearing vaginas.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I was trying to admonish him at the same time, I’m going “whoa, whoa, whoa.”

Captain Brien: Maybe I should follow his account, I’m very intrigued now.

Craig Shoemaker: He FaceTimed me from… from Europe. He was there for his graduation. Three and a half weeks! What’d you do when you graduated? I was in the Jersey Shore for a night, slept under a car, and this kid’s in Europe.

Captain Brien: When I graduated college, I had chicken pox the day after. So bad that I literally was in bed for like 14 days.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: It was brutal.

Craig Shoemaker: Who gets chicken pox at 17, 18 years old?

Captain Brien: That was college, when I graduated college. I was 21, and it was so bad.

Craig Shoemaker: High school though, what’d you do for high school? You didn’t do anything, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, I didn’t do nothing.

Craig Shoemaker: Three and a half weeks with his friends.

Captain Brien: I probably played baseball the next day.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s FaceTiming me, he said, “What’s up, dad? “I’m in a nude beach in France.” I’m going, “Move your fuckin’ head!”

Captain Brien: Right!

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what I paid for!

Captain Brien: You’re taking up the whole screen.

Craig Shoemaker: I see that head all the time, he’s got this big head getting in the way. I wanna see some Francé!

Captain Brien: Flip the camera around!

Craig Shoemaker: Francé titty.

Captain Brien: Don’t they know you’re talking to the Lovemaster on the other line, baby?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: Geez.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s the new Lovemaster, my son.

Captain Brien: He is, right? So he had a viral video.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, I sent him to… Like an idiot, I fly him to Philadelphia ’cause I didn’t wanna go– I can’t celebrate like I used to.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Who cares? So I send the kid in to Philadelphia when they won the Super Bowl. Next thing I know, a viral video of him upside down doing a keg stand in his Eagle’s jersey.

Captain Brien: And he wasn’t 21?

Craig Shoemaker: No. With a guy with a joint in his lips holding him up, with some woman in the background with a Philadelphia accent going, “Justin from California, bitches!”

Captain Brien: A proud moment Daddy had.

Captain Brien: And it went viral, yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, good Lord.

Captain Brien: He got a lot for it, right? A lot of views.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, and meanwhile I’m writing jokes and have real talent, and this kid does a keg stand in Philadelphia during a Super Bowl party, and gets more views than I ever have for my hour and a half Daditude special.

Captain Brien: Right, right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Can’t do things long anymore.

Captain Brien: No it’s all short–

Craig Shoemaker: I feel sorry for women these days.

Craig Shoemaker: There’s no foreplay. What about foreplay? I was always instructed that that was what women wanted.

Captain Brien: I think they want, they want jokes. Maybe they don’t.

Craig Shoemaker: They say a sense of humor, that is a bunch of crap. They’re never in the front row throwing panties at me at the comedy show.

Captain Brien: This is true.

Craig Shoemaker: Tell another joke, comedy boy.

Captain Brien: Yeah they don’t come to the door and say “I’ll trade you for tickets, my panties.” That doesn’t work.

Craig Shoemaker: “Talk about being cheap with your kids, you’re making me moist.” No, they’re not after a sense of humor. They say that in all the surveys, but it’s not true.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they wanna look like they’re not shallow?

Craig Shoemaker: Now a multimillionaire telling jokes, I’m sure they’d be into that.

Captain Brien: They’re very into it.

Craig Shoemaker: No, I sound bitter. I’m happily married.

Captain Brien: Well that’s good.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m also divorced.

Captain Brien: You are, yeah we talked about that.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right. And by the way, all my shows at your clubs are benefit shows and all proceeds go to my ex-wife. I just thought I’d let you know.

Captain Brien: They can get tickets. Go to OffTheHookComedy.com

Craig Shoemaker: And it goes to Pilates.

Captain Brien: Yeah. How can you say no to that?

Craig Shoemaker: It goes to her Pilates class and her… and Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah that’s what your cover charge goes to that.

Captain Brien: That’s funny

Craig Shoemaker: But no, I’m not bitter

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. So tell me, you’ve been doin’ the comedy now how long?

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, we have 13– You told me I was gonna have a load of–

Captain Brien: We will!

Craig Shoemaker: Now it went down to 11.

Captain Brien: We will! It’s nine o’clock. How many people are gonna watch at nine o’clock? By the time this is done–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah?

Captain Brien: By the time you leave this weekend, 10,000 views, guaranteed.

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what it says here.

Captain Brien: There’s probably–

Craig Shoemaker: “By the way, who needs sunglasses today? LOL.” I do ’cause I’ve been up all night.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Craig had a–Hi Ana! Ana’s watching laughing at us right now. And Elaine, hey Elaine. What’s happening–Oh, Eileen? I can’t read because I’m tryin’ to drive. I should drive and not talk. Or should I not read?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m looking at you, Ana. With my hazel eyes.

Captain Brien: You should entertain the audience. This is my actual podcast, Craig.

Craig Shoemaker: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: What do you mean, “entertain the audience”?

Captain Brien: Yeah, say somethin’ good, you know? Say somethin’ funny. Do you hate when people say that to you? I hate it! “Oh own a comedy club? Are you funny?” What do you mean? I’m not a comedian.

Craig Shoemaker: I had this woman in Philadelphia– I was havin’ a meal at this outdoor cafe. From another table with a Philadelphia accent, “Hey yo, I overheard you’re a comedian. “Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.” I’m like, “Listen lady, this is what I do for a living. “What do you do?” “I’m a nurse.” “Alright, you give me an enema. “You do your job, I’ll do mine. How’s that?” It’s what we do for a living. And then people askin’ for free tickets.

Captain Brien: Oh, nonstop.

Craig Shoemaker: I hope he’s watchin’ right now. A guy on my Facebook flat-out says, “How ’bout some tickets?” How do you think–Do you own a bakery? I go, “You know, I’ll have a croissant, “I’ll have a little pastry.”

Captain Brien: Why don’t ya whip me up a cake right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Just because I asked.

Captain Brien: I’ll trade you a cake in your back pocket for these tickets. The thing that drive me crazy is that they’ll hit you up, wonderin’ what’s goin’ on that weekend. Oh, nothin’ much. No show. No! Is it, “Are they funny?” How ’bout that question? “Hey you got a show this weekend. Are they funny?”

Craig Shoemaker: That’s irrelevant.

Captain Brien: Oh, are they funny? Yeah, no I try to book the most un-funny people in the U.S. That’s my business.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, there are a lot of un-funnies.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but I don’t book ’em!

Craig Shoemaker: But they have a Youtube hit.

Captain Brien: Well, okay.

Craig Shoemaker: You know, if they have a Youtube hit, they’re an influencer, so influencers are now doing comedy.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are. It’s a big thing.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how you can tell by the way? I’m gonna give you a secret. Okay? You.

Captain Brien: This is a secret just for the people that watch it.

Craig Shoemaker: If it’s a star, right? They list it as a star show and it says “and friends.” That means they have no material and they load it up with comedians but they’re basing everything on their draw from being the influencer–

Captain Brien: That’s true.

Craig Shoemaker: Of which they only have five minutes of material.

Captain Brien: But the people love the fact that they get to meet those people.

Craig Shoemaker: They get to meet the influencer who’s gonna only be around a second.

Captain Brien: But they want a picture with the influencer.

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster’s got stay power baby. Oh yeahhh.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been doin’ this since high school

Captain Brien: I literally fell in love with the Lovemaster. I don’t know how long ago, but like one of my favorite bits in comedy.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh really?

Captain Brien: It is! Yeah I’m not kiddin’. I love it. I love it.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, I have to be P.C. about it now. I’m gonna tell you the derivation of the Lovemaster, which is P.C. I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Oh look! Bob Feffer and Sherri Feffer. Those are your friends from Philly. Yeah, yeah she’s watchin’ right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Aye! They’re local.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, they all watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Nice weather you gave me here, Sherri.

Captain Brien: Yeah. Hi Sherri! Hey Bob, what’s goin’ on?

Craig Shoemaker: Bob’s not on.

Captain Brien: Well, maybe they’re together. I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, speaking of comp tickets, they asked me for four on Friday.

Captain Brien: Here we go.

Craig Shoemaker: Can you write that down?

Captain Brien: Just reel ’em in. Reelin’ em in.

Craig Shoemaker: Actually, to top it all of, they went through Tim Mooney to ask me for the tickets for them.

Craig Shoemaker: And I have to ask you. That’s how it works in the comedy business. It’s a wonder we make any money.

Captain Brien: So you’re tellin’ me about the Lovemaster, which I said was one of my favorite bits of comedy–

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster all came from–I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: Which is how I became a comic, because it’s the only why to get attention from the girls. I was 5’1″, 92 lbs, and all the girls would use the F-word with me: Friend. I was always the frickin’ friend.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I hated it. I asked 13 girls to the prom.

Captain Brien: No way!

Craig Shoemaker: And the one who went with me, she ended up making out with Ricky Aldamere in the corner.

Captain Brien: Ricky, that S.O.B.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, Linda Scott– I go with her, I thought she’d look good for the photo.

Captain Brien: Damn it Ricky!

Craig Shoemaker: You know, show my kids, “Look at this.” “Look who I went to the prom with.”

Captain Brien: Where’s Ricky now? He’s not the Lovemaster.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right.

Craig Shoemaker: One time–You know Cindy Crawford, supermodel?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I was doin’ a TV show with her on NBC and she goes, “You must’a had a lot of girls.” I said, “No, Cindy. I was a geek.” 13 girls, Linda Scott made out with Rickey Aldamere, and I turned to the camera and I said, “Well Linda, I’m here with Cindy Crawford.” Right?

Craig Shoemaker: And I swear to God she was actually watching and so was Ricky Aldamere’s wife.

Captain Brien: Get outta here! That’s so funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Ricky Aldamere’s wife e-mailed me: “He was a creep back then, wasn’t he?”

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes he was. He took my prom date I spent all that money for. I should bill him.

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. I love that.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s a lot of money.

Captain Brien: But now you created the Lovemaster and then it made a living so thank Ricky.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s true. From every hardship, I ended up turning it around and making lemonade.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve got a whole stand now of all the hardships.

Captain Brien: We did that with our ex’s too.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s exactly right, so I’ve got some good ex material.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I don’t have as much about my current wife.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: She shouldn’t be called “current” wife. She’s my wife. Like it’s a temp job.

Captain Brien: There could be an expiration date

Craig Shoemaker: No, there’s no expiration date.

Captain Brien: I run 10 years.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s permanent. I believe on my part she is, but she’s just so… She’s so kind and, you know, you have to have conflict in comedy. And we have no conflict. I’m like, “Can you get mad at me for something?”

Captain Brien: Right, you have to have somethin’ to talk about.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, so I don’t have a lot about her except she’s very, very new-agey.

Captain Brien: You did say that.

Craig Shoemaker: She gets turned on when I compost.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m like, “Look, honey. I got a banana peel. “I’m putting it in the can where it belongs.”

Captain Brien: And she’s ready to go.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s got a vaginal boner on this one. On the composting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God. So guys, tune in right now. We’re going on 105–no, I’m sorry, 103.9.

Craig Shoemaker: So that was it? That’s–

Captain Brien: We’re done, the show, we gotta end it baby. It’s a wrap.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, we’re up to six people. That’s fantastic. This really killed.

Captain Brien: It’s been on and off. It’s the damn zit today. See this zit right here? That’s why no one wants to watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Why would you point it out? I can’t even see it.

Captain Brien: I don’t know what happened You can’t see it? It’s huge!

Captain Brien: Go all the way up to the thing here. I grew that just since we’ve been talking.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God, it looks like Beetlejuice. Another head is growing on your–

Captain Brien: How all of a sudden that happened? It’s the stress of my daughter’s birthday today.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s what it is?

Captain Brien: Maybe.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re under pressure?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot. I gotta do a lot of things.

Craig Shoemaker: I love that kids now–she has a whole, like, four days for her birthday.

Captain Brien: It’s not a birthday month to–

Craig Shoemaker: You won’t take me fishing now, “Oh it’s my daughter’s birthday.” “So when’s her birthday?” “Today.” “Well I’m asking you to fish on Sunday.” “Oh no, it’s still my daughter’s birthday.”

Captain Brien: Have you seen the birthday month post? “It’s my birthday month! Give it up!” Like that’s extra.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh God, you know what I hate about birthdays? We were all born.

Captain Brien: Yeah everyone has one, right?

Craig Shoemaker: There’s nothing special. I don’t celebrate them anymore.

Captain Brien: I know, I know. Listen guys, we’re wrappin’ it up. It’s the Captain’s Log, say “hi” to us. You can follow Craig Shoemaker @craigshoe, yeah?

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log, that reminds me of John Luck Pickard.

Captain Brien: Eh, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: I need a sexy name for the followers though.

Craig Shoemaker: Stool is a little loose. Need more fiber.

Craig Shoemaker: Engage!

Captain Brien: We’re out guys.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: We gotta go. 103.9, tune in. We’re gonna be live and 96K-Rock. See Craig at Off The Hook Comedy Club all weekend. Later, we out.


S2:E8 The Captain’s Log with Cora Bolds



Guest Cora Bolds joins Captain Brien to discuss social media growth and influencing! Cora Bolds shares how she got started as a local social influencer and gives us her tips and tricks for social media growth! Ever wonder how you get the “swipe up” feature on Instagram? Tune in to hear!

Watch full video at ——- https://youtu.be/1yXbv73lu1g

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Cora Bolds out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Hey guys, welcome back to the Captain’s Log. I have Cora Bolds, and she is a, not only you’re a local Instagram influencer, but you’ve been doing this everywhere. And now you’ve got a big event going on in Miami that you’re hosting. Tell me about it. It’s exciting.

Cora Bolds: Oh my gosh, it’s so exciting. So, I am hosting an event out at Segrado Cafe in Miami on Biscayne Boulevard. And I’m inviting local influencers that are going to network, have the opportunity to network and socialize with brands who are looking for influencers, as well as other influencers who are looking for other influencers to collaborate with themselves.

Captain Brien: So what do you do? I know that you do a lot of stuff with the Gram. You’re on the IG all the time.

Cora Bolds: I love the ‘Gram.

Captain Brien: And you’ve been growing your following, and you’ve been becoming this influencer. Tell me about how it started and what the goal is. And you have all these influencers, people might not know what influencers are.

Cora Bolds: Okay, so an influencer is a modern-day buzz agent, which would be considered somebody who influences the opinion of others. Before you go shopping, before you buy a new car, you might ask your friend, you know, I don’t know, tell me what to get, if you trust their opinion. Well, these influencers, these modern-day influencers are taking the opinion leaders and translating it into their own influence, and, you know, advertising to the general public as being the person to go to when you have questions about simple things like that. So, there’s a whole different, I mean, there’s so many things that I’ve done to get me to this point. There’s, I mean, between hashtags, and tagging people,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: It all started with the idea that I wanted to run a website. I wanted that creative outlet. I didn’t know the first steps to take. I didn’t even know how to design a website. I downloaded Squarespace. I created a template.

Captain Brien: Ah, did you do it? Did you make it?

Cora Bolds: I did it. I made a website.

Captain Brien: I’ve done that a few times, yeah.

Cora Bolds: It took awhile to get the hang of it, but I had to email them quite a few times to ask for very simple stupid questions. And they’re kind of like, you know, read the guide, but–

Captain Brien: Of course, yeah.

Cora Bolds: I finally got the hang of it. I’ve only been doing it now for about five months. So it is a work in progress, but it has been majorly successful.

Captain Brien: But you’ve, yeah, in five months, you’ve come a long way.

Cora Bolds: I have.

Captain Brien: You broke 10,000.

Cora Bolds:  I broke 10,000 followers this past week.

Captain Brien: Which is huge.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because now you can do the swipe up.

Cora Bolds: I can do the swipe up.

Captain Brien: Everybody needs that.

Cora Bolds: Thank God.

Captain Brien: I’m still trying to get there on the Gram. Right?

Cora Bolds: The swipe up is the best feature, because it directs people directly to my website.

Captain Brien: Correct, yeah, cause then you can force people to go right to links that you are getting paid to send people.

Cora Bolds: Of Course! That’s the best part.

Captain Brien: But I know that, you know, we talked at lunch for a minute and you were saying that with the different brands that you representing and that you’re an influencer for, you don’t just take every brand on, I mean, right?

Cora Bolds:  No of course not.

Captain Brien: You gotta do something that you love because people have to know you’re passionate about it.

Cora Bolds: Oh my gosh, yeah. And I turn down at least two to three deals a week because it’s just not the right fit for me. I’m not a swimsuit model. I’m not gonna sell your swimsuit products.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Cora Bolds: I’m a wine-lover, you know, I love to be endorsing things that I love.

Captain Brien: You should love vodka and rum.

Cora Bolds: I love vodka and rum!

Captain Brien: I know a guy, I know a guy, right?

Cora Bolds: This guy, oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: So yeah, that’s what I think the whole world’s looking for these days, is someone to tell them that this product is legit or valuable or it works.

Cora Bolds: High quality, yeah, something.

Captain Brien: You know the Amazon reviews, that for me is huge.

Cora Bolds: Oh my gosh, Yelp is huge.

Captain Brien: Right? Oh you use Yelp?

Cora Bolds: No.

Captain Brien: Oh I’m a big thumbs down on Yelp.

Cora Bolds: Not anymore.

Captain Brien: No, I hate it. I think it’s so fake.

Cora Bolds: I’m deleting Yelp.

Captain Brien: The thing about Yelp is, honestly, is that it’s a money game, all’s it is. You can have a gazillion reviews out there that they don’t pass through, because you’re not an advertiser.

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: So, they’ll pass through the negative reviews and a few positive reviews, and they’ll pass through all the negative reviews and a few positive reviews, and then they’ll contact you and say hey, we noticed you were getting a lot of negative reviews. But if you go and look in your queue, there’s like 200 positive reviews. And they claim that those people know you or they are affiliated with you.

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: It’s a scam.

Cora Bolds: Yelp can be questionable.

Captain Brien: And now people like have already figured that out.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You know, because I don’t believe in it at all. I think it’s a bunch of bull.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because why would you not let every review go through?

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: Who are you to say that that review was not valid?

Cora Bolds: Of course.

Captain Brien: Right?

Cora Bolds: I agree with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s why Yelp, I think, is getting I think they’ve lost it

Cora Bolds: A bad rap.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think they lost their mojo lately because everyone realizes now, the businesses are like, well wait a minute. We have all these reviews on all these other sites, and unless I pay to be a Yelp advertiser, my reviews aren’t gonna be posted?

Cora Bolds: Of course, of course.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy. Like no.

Cora Bolds: Right, I’m not less of a human.

Captain Brien: You can do it if you want, you can do it if you want, that’s your business, right? Like, that’s great. That’s your business model, but you’re not gonna be the number one brand for reviews. I’m done with them.

Cora Bolds: Right, right.

Captain Brien:I’m done with Yelp.

Cora Bolds: Everybody’s deleting Yelp.

Captain Brien: Yes, get out!

Cora Bolds: 2019, delete Yelp.

Captain Brien: Go home.

Cora Bolds: I love it. So, you told me a couple fun things, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: Which I don’t know, if people really got into it and they wanted to become an influencer, tell me the things that you’re focusing on, obviously is with you’re tagging certain brands, I mean you’re not gonna tag Chili’s if you’re selling,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cora Bolds: I don’t know, right, so you have to tell people how does that work? Explain that.

Captain Brien: So, you wanna be as accurate as you can when hashtagging, when tagging, you know, if it’s an outfit.

Cora Bolds: And there’s a difference between hashtagging,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cora Bolds: And tagging.

Captain Brien: And tagging.

Cora Bolds: Hashtagging, you’re allowed 30.

Captain Brien: Allowed 30 on Instagram.

Cora Bolds: Right, and you can put those, you told me a good trick, though, you like to put yours in the comments.

Captain Brien: I like to put mine in the comments, because I think it keeps it clean

Cora Bolds: Which I like, yeah.

Captain Brien: It keeps your Instagram cleaner.

Cora Bolds: It keeps, clean, she loves the technical term.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I like clean.

Cora Bolds: Clean means when she posts, that the post is not,

Captain Brien: You’re not getting bombarded,

Cora Bolds: Yeah doesn’t have a ton of hashtags.

Captain Brien: Right, hashtags.

Cora Bolds: Hashtags.

Captain Brien: If you put them in the first comment, you still get found the same way.

Cora Bolds: Okay.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: So that’s a good tip.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Cora Bolds: I like that.

Captain Brien: You can use all 30, you know, why would you not increase, optimize the amount of traffic going to your page at all possible angles.

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: Why wouldn’t you tag all 20 people in your photo,

Cora Bolds: And then tag the people in the photo.

Captain Brien: Yes, tag people.

Cora Bolds: So, I kinda get, I get tagged all the time. Is that why people are tagging me?

Captain Brien: Yeah, because they probably think people are going to your page, you know.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They believe that you’re in some way an influencer and people are going to your page to look at what you’re doing, and they might check out your tagged photos, and they want that opportunity to be showcased there.

Cora Bolds: Gotcha, so, you think it’s okay, though, to tag as many people as you can up to 20?

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Cora Bolds: Always?

Captain Brien: Always. I always tag all 20.

Cora Bolds: And you post them right on top of each other?

Captain Brien: I put it right on top of each other, so that it’s not, when you click on the photo, you see a thousand, million tags.

Cora Bolds: Yeah, you do em boom, boom, boom.

Captain Brien: I put them right on top of each other, so you can still see my photo.

Cora Bolds: How bout the egg guy?

Captain Brien: The egg guy, oh my gosh, isn’t that, like,

Cora Bolds: It’s insane, right?

Captain Brien: He is crazy.

Captain Brien: He’s 19 years old. 19 years old, did you look at his tags?

Cora Bolds: I didn’t.

Captain Brien: You should look at his tags.

Cora Bolds: Are they funny?

Captain Brien: No, he tagged like CNN, he tagged Good Morning, America,

Cora Bolds: Yeah, he tagged-

Captain Brien: Mashable.

Cora Bolds: He knew what he was doing.

Captain Brien: He did know what he was doing.

Cora Bolds: He knew what he was doing.

Captain Brien: But, yet, he put them all over the place, which is cool, I get it, but he tagged Jimmy Fallon.

Cora Bolds: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: Like, he tagged a lot of accounts that I was like, interesting.

Cora Bolds: Big accounts, yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And you feel like, I feel like, obviously that’s what helped,

Cora Bolds: Oh, yeah

Captain Brien: because why wouldn’t, I mean, there’s no way people are just gonna follow an egg.

Cora Bolds: Right, or maybe people just don’t like Kylie Jenner.

Captain Brien: I like Kylie, I like the Jenners.

Captain Brien: I don’t like the Kardashians.

Captain Brien: Why not?

Cora Bolds: Because they’re talentless.

Captain Brien:The Kardashians and the Jenners, I’m a fan of both.

Cora Bolds: I’m out here trying to make it, and they did nothing.

Captain Brien: No, that’s not true.

Cora Bolds: Okay.

Captain Brien: That’s not true. What do you think, how long’s it take you to make one post?

Cora Bolds: About an hour.

Captain Brien: Okay, so it takes you an hour. So, they’re posting all the time.

Cora Bolds: Or, someone’s posting for them.

Captain Brien: And that’s their business. They’re not, I think they post. No, I think they do the pictures. So, they take the pictures, but I don’t know if they take the pictures themselves anymore.

Cora Bods: Yeah.

Captain Brien: But I doubtfully don’t think anyone posts for them. I don’t think they would give somebody that much control.

Cora Bolds: I think Kris is back there managing everything.

Captain Brien: You think?

Cora Bolds: I think so.

Captain Brien: No way.

Cora Bolds: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: I don’t know, all’s I know,

Cora Bolds: Maybe, they’re rich

Captain Brien: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, cause I take, all my posts take no more than five or 10 minutes. I need to put more time in.

Cora Bolds: You do, because you wanna be authentic. You don’t wanna be like, one sentence here and buy it, because that doesn’t create a relationship.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: You wanna share something about yourself, share a problem, share a win, a loss.

Captain Brien: I got plenty of both,

Cora Bolds: Don’t we all.

Captain Brien: I need to start sharing away

Cora Bolds: Share something that people can connect to, that they can relate to, something that will get people involved and engaged.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and what’s your best post for the most likes, and then what’s your most engaging post?

Cora Bolds: So, the one that I just posted last week about my Miami Influencer event has like, I think, right around 960 likes.

Captain Brien: Yay!

Cora Bolds: Yeah. That’s the most I’ve ever gotten on a post, which is really good. I was excited, I thought it was gonna break 1000. This week, it’s gonna break 1000 likes.

Captain Brien: Yay!

Cora Bolds: It did have a lot of comments on it. I think, though, that my most engaging post for comments was my birthday post, because a lot of people said either happy birthday,

Captain Brien: Happy birthday.

Cora Bolds: Yeah, things like that. I like asking questions at the end of my post, So I’ll share a little excerpt from a story or something that happened to me that day or how I like the sangria, or whatever it is, and then I’ll be like, “what’s your favorite sangria?” or “where do you like to buy your sangria?” or “where do you go for sangria?” just to get something a little talking point to get people engaging in your content.

Captain Brien: Do you respond to every comment?

Cora Bolds: If it looks like a real account, yes, because I like that relationship marketing. I like building that relationship.

Captain Brien: I hate these comments that say tell me more about your business, like, come on.

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: Read a book.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah. No, go to my website, because that’s some robot asking me that question.

Cora Bolds: Right, of course.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cora Bolds: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: But, so you’ll go on there and respond?

Cora Bolds: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What about DM’s?

Cora Bolds: I’m bad about DM’s. If it’s a branded deal, I like it to go to my email, cause I like, you know, that I get to go back and reference it. My DM’s, they get kind of pushed down.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

-Cora Bolds: My friends,

Captain Brien: They get clogged up.

Cora Bolds: They get clogged up.

Captain Brien: You’re getting all them DM’s, everyone’s sliding into your DM’s.

Cora Bolds: Everybody’s sliding into my DM’s.

Captain Brien: Hey Kim, how are you? Kim, Alex is on air, what’s going on? She says happy birthday.

Cora olds: Happy late birthday, aww.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Cora Bolds: It was last August But that’s good.

Captain Brien: It’s good, it’s coming around again.

Cora Bolds: It is.

Captain Brien: I’ll be right around the corner.

Cora Bolds: I’ll be 23, oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s interesting though, because this is like, and you’re graduating college.

Cora Bolds: I’m gonna graduate this fall, yep.

Captain Brien: And you’re gonna be studying?

Cora Bolds: I study marketing and political science.

Captain Brien: And what’s the future bring?

Cora Bolds: So, now that I have this Miami event for the influencers, I’m starting to get into a little bit of advanced

Captain Brien: Here we go, hey, hit the reset.

Cora Bolds: Event planning. I’m starting to get myself into event planning. I think that it’s a great opportunity to, you know, be your own boss, charge your own rates, you know, 160 thousand for a party, why not, you know?

Captain Brien: Yeah, you might as well.

Cora Bolds: These Naples people, they love that.

Captain Brien: I’ve gotten the event planning, I do event planning every day.

Cora Bolds: That’s so fun.

Captain Brien: Because I have 10 events every day, it’s called a comedy club.

Cora Bolds: But, no we do,

Cora Bolds: It’s the best comedy club.

Captain Brien: We do a lot of luncheons and private events and corporate stuff as well, so that’s an interesting business.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You definitely, it can be brain-teasing at some times, and sometimes, it’s like a no-brainer. It just depends on what kind of event it is, but

Cora Bolds: Of course.

Captain Brien:  They’re all different in one way or another. You have one of your clients is super, super extra, and then you have the other client that just is like, make it happen, Captain. Do everything you did the last time, or do something like that other event we went to. That was spectacular, but yeah.

Cora Bolds: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s not all fun and games, sometimes.

Cora Bolds: It isn’t.

Captain Brien: No.

Cora Bolds: Sometimes, it’s a little hard to get in touch with everybody, and everybody on the same page, but, it is always worth it.

Captain Brien: So, you’re putting together all these influencers in Miami, and you’re gonna be going to, what’s the name of the place?

Cora Bolds: Sagrado Cafe.

Captain Brien: Okay, Sagrado Cafe, and what your going to be doing is, everyone’s gonna be on the ground, talking about what?

Cora Bolds: About the other influencers that are there, we have travel influencers, fashion influencers, lifestyle influencers, food influencers, health influencers, and businesses attending. So, we’re gonna get people with the fashion influencers with the fashion influencers, the lifestyle influencers with the lifestyle influencers, just so they can talk about what works for them, what gets them their content, what brands are working with, how to reach out to brands, we have people with up to 333 thousand followers that are coming to the event, and people that are at like 5,000 followers.

Captain Brien: And what’s the cost to attend?

Cora Bolds: So, the cost is about $15 for your ticket, and $20 when we eat, but it’s endless mimosas and sangria and cheesy bread, plus your brunch, so.

Captain Brien: Nice.

Cora Bolds: I mean it is, you know, it’s a cafe. It’s a business, they still have to make money, too. But, it is gonna be really exciting. I’m super excited for it. We have a photo wall coming in, we’ve got, we’ve reached out to local vendors to raffle off different items,

Captain Brien: And I’m gonna give you some tickets.

Cora Bolds:  And some tickets to the comedy club are always a win.

Captain Brien: Yes, yes, absolutely. I might even give you a bottle of vodka.

Cora Bolds: Oh my gosh

Captain Brien:  Should I do that?

Cora Bolds: I’m not giving that to the event, I’m taking that one home.

Captain Brien: No you can’t. Atleast you’re over the age,

Cora Bolds: Right, that’s true

Captain Brien: The drinking age is legal.

Cora Bolds: That’s true, right.

Captain Brien: That makes sense, that makes sense. And then tell me about what you do different on your story, cause there’s two different things, right, obviously, people are gonna be posting on a timeline, and then they’re gonna be posting on their story.

Cora Bolds: Right.

Captain Brien: Give us some good tricks on your story.

Cora Bolds: So, on your story, if you’re mentioning a brand, you always wanna, you know, actually mention them. You wanna tag them in there, so that they have the opportunity to see that.

Captain Brien: And add it to their story.

Cora Bolds: And add it to their story, which is great eseo-optimization. I mean you just, you need that sort of thing.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Cora Bolds: That’s grown my account authentically a lot. Getting shout outs from places like…

Captain Brien: How many do you tag in your story?

Cora Bolds: Just what’s there. If it’s

Captain Brien: You only tag in your story what you’re actually talking about?

Cora Bolds: Yes, of course.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Cora Bolds: Because, I don’t wanna be misleading.

Captain Brien: Right.

Cora Bolds: I don’t want somebody to click on that link, and they’re like, well this isn’t where the product’s from, who is this person?

Captain Brien: Right.

Cora Bolds: When I’m with friends, I’ll always tag all five of my friends if they’re in the video, just to increase their eseo as well.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Cora Bolds:Those back links are really helpful.

Captain Brien: Yeah. But they only last for 24 hours?

Cora Bolds: The only last for 24 hours, I put a lot of things in my highlights, I’m a big craft beer drinker, and I’m a big foodie, so I put all the good food and all the good porters and stouts in my highlights, just so if somebody missed it on the 24 hours, it can go back and see it.

Captain Brien: Right, so what do you think, you focus all your time and energy on Instagram, though, and you’re saying you don’t like Facebook.

Cora Bolds: I don’t really use Facebook.

Captain Brien: What about twitter?

Cora Bolds: I do have a twitter, but it’s my personal account, it’s just like some funny tweets I find funny.

Captain Brien:Okay.

Cora Bolds: So not much going on there.

Captain Brien: I’m not a big fan of twitter that much, so I can agree with you there. And what about LinkedIn?

Cora Bolds: I do have a LinkedIn, but it’s only for professional, like excursions, like businesses that want to hire me actually for jobs, like Gardner and things like that.

Captain Brien: Okay, but you don’t feel like putting any posts on there at all?


S2:E7 The Captain’s Log with America’s Got Talent Star Vicki Barbolak



Special star Vicki Barbolak joins Captain Brien to talk about her experience and some of her favorite moments on America’s Got Talent and America’s Got Talent: The Champions, her upcoming shows at Off The Hook Comedy Club in Naples, Florida, and a failed attempt to sing a song about Rum in honor of Captain Brien’s Rum!

Watch full video at ———–>  https://youtu.be/m3yQUCGOTmE

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Vicki Barbolak out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Good morning, and welcome aboard The Captain’s Log. Vicki Barbolak, oh my goodness.

Vicki Barbolak: Ahoy, captain.

Captain Brien: I have a trailer, is it the trailer nasty, is that what I do?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s the trailer nasty.

Captain Brien: Let’s take a ride, we’re doing radio.

Vicki Barbolak: I got some Captain Brien rum.

Captain Brien: I already hooked you up with rum.

Vicki Barbolak: For the road.

Captain Brien: Is that good for you?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s delicious. Just my size, too. Nothing like a little gallon of rum at 10 in the morning to make a girl feel happy.

Captain Brien: So, yeah, so we’re gonna do some radio. We already did two stations, which was fun. We did Gator Country, in Bonita Springs, and then we just left I Heart Radio with 105.5 the Beat and the Freakshow so, it’s a long weekend here in Naples, all the way til Sunday, I’m excited. Shows are selling like crazy. We’re gonna have so much fun. And, I wanna know all kinds of good stuff about your career, and what you’ve been doing.

Vicki Barbolak: Ever since America’s Got Talent, like, it’s just like a whole different world. People come up to me, in the grocery store, in the airports. It’s just, liquor stores, you know, and not because I didn’t pay the bill. It’s a miracle. It’s just been so much fun.

Captain Brien: And how do you feel like, the future of your career’s gonna be?

Vicki Barbolak: I feel like a baby, like it just started. And, you know, I got people coming at me with television shows, and, just, like, everything I ever dreamed of is actually happening. I bought the second best trailer in my trailer park, can I, I’m just sorry to brag about that.

Captain Brien: You are, you are. But that’s okay.

Vicki Barbolak: You know I’m still the same person, Brien.

Captain Brien: You’re coming up, it’s big, it’s big time now.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m still the same person. Yeah. All is well.

Captain Brien: We can pull out here, and the sun is getting us. But we’re gonna pull right out, and just take our chances.

Vicki Barbolak: This is beautiful. Are we gonna see any alligators here in the street?

Captain Brien: I think so, right. Maybe crossing the road while we’re driving.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s what I’ve heard, they’re everywhere.

Captain Brien: So, the thing I wondered, really, is, and I briefly asked you before. When you’re on the show, they don’t do, like, they don’t tell you, like, okay, I want to set up this big stage for you this time? Or, do you do that? And then, what about the costumes, and the expense, and all that?

Vicki Barbolak: I got to have a lot of input on what I wear, because my clothes are, you know, very specific.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ve been shopping in thrift stores my whole life, and, I have a certain aesthetic.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And so. Sorry, this darn cough. Anyway, so I got to have a lot of input on the clothes. The first few shows, you bring your own clothes, and, so I did, and by the time you make the finals.

Captain Brien: You really, I don’t know if that’s actually.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, it’s so good.

Captain Brien: That’s barrel aged.

Vicki Barbolak: Damn, that smells good.

Captain Brien: In bourbon barrels, you like that?

Vicki Barbolak: This smells delicious

Captain Brien: Are you gonna go right out there?

Vicki Barbolak: Just wakes me right up. I have to make sure there’s some police around before I take a big drink.

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s make sure. Let’s pour it all over ourselves.

Vicki Barbolak: Because I like to be stopped.

Captain Brien: If they pull us over, they immediately get the aroma of alcohol.

Vicki Barbolak: Is it illegal in Florida to drink and drive?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think so.

Vicki Barbolak: Is it an issue?

Captain Brien: It’s pretty sure, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, I had no idea. I thought it was different here. People are always on vacation.

Captain Brien: No, it’s definitely.

Vicki Barbolak: Let me put the cap back on, Captain.

Captain Brien: Put it on tight.

Vicki Barbolak: So not gonna taste it in the car. Officer.

Captain Brien: This is a prop, it’s a stage prop. That’s all. We were just making sure.

Vicki Barbolak: This isn’t even real.

Captain Brien: It’s legit, so, for tonight. That’s all we’re doing.

Vicki Barbolak: Well, there’s the next radio station. As soon as we stop, I can have some, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, I’m not gonna hold that back from you, come on.

Vicki Barbolak: This stuff smells divine.

Captain Brien: I have to make sure the talent is comfortable on the Captain’s Log.

Vicki Barbolak: Absolutely. If you’re gonna drink all day, you gotta start in the morning.

Captain Brien: Yes, yes.

Vicki Barbolak: And we’re coming up to that 10:00 start time.

Captain Brien: So, who planned, like, I just saw you on the champions, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah

Captain Brien: Which was awesome. And you came out with these two good looking dudes. Like, did you have to get the dudes?

Vicki Barbolak: I got the dancers.

Captain Brien: They got ’em.

Vicki Barbolak: And they were such nice guys. I worked with them around, 26, 30 hours. Getting that out.

Captain Brien: To make sure.

Vicki Barbolak: I had them over to the house, yeah, to make sure they did just right.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And they kissed. Yeah, that took a lot of work.

Captain Brien: Yeah, a lot of practice.

Vicki Barbolak: A lot of kissing.

Captain Brien: I understand.

Vicki Barbolak: They were gorgeous.

Captain Brien: I understand.

Vicki Barbolak: One was from Russia, the other one was from Latin America. Oh, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s cute. It was very well done.

Vicki Barbolak: It was super fun, and, the whole show, they really make it fun. Everyone there that is a really loving atmosphere. People are so. You think it’d be really terrible ordeal.

Captain Brien: No, I would never think it was terrible, why? Why would I think it was terrible?

Vicki Barbolak: Not you, because you’re a positive person. But a lot of people go, oh, was it horrible? Was it just so much stress? And it really wasn’t, it was really fun.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I would totally think that it would be, obviously, it’s been a life changer for you.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: But not only life changer, like the experience is once in a lifetime, right?

Vicki Barbolak: I never forgot that, every day. People go, Vicki, sorry we’re making you wait. Sorry this is so long. I go, hey, I can sit here all day, and never have a better day in my life

Captain Brien: Right?

Vicki Barbolak: So, it was so much fun.

Captain Brien: And then there is a lot of talent on the show. I mean, do you get to watch any of the other acts?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Or do you have to watch them on the monitor?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I got to see Courtney live all the time. And then, if you weren’t busy, you could go watch other people’s rehearsals. It was really fun.

Captain Brien: That’s so cool.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, that giant group from Austria, those dancers. Seeing that live was amazing. And then the Champions show, seeing Susan Boyle sing live was, like, crazy. The room, you just get goosebumps everywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah. She did a good performance, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, she was amazing.

Captain Brien: That was exciting.

Vicki Barbolak: She sang that song Wild Horses. And, that was amazing to hear her sing Wild Horses.

Captain Brien: She was great. I mean, I like the back story too, though. How do they do the back story? Do they come out and film stuff with you guys, or what?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, they came out to the trailer park a bunch of times. And, you know, they film like 10 hours to get two or three minutes, it was hilarious. They had drones flying over the trailer park, and, all the old neighbors are like, what’s that? Is that a plane? Was there a plane? Vicki, was that a plane? Yeah, it was a little tiny plane, with a little tiny guy driving the little tiny plane. It’s so fun.

Captain Brien: And then you got to hang out with Preacher Lawson the other day.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, he is so great. What a nice guy.

Captain Brien: One of his first shows was his open mic at my club.

Vicki Barbolak: You’re kidding me.

Captain Brien: No, I’m serious. Yeah, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh my love, he’s awesome.

Captain Brien: He’s great.

Vicki Barbolak: He’s so great. What a great person, too.

Captain Brien: He’s really nice, really positive dude.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. It’s not gonna change his thing.

Captain Brien: No.

Vicki Barbolak: He’s just such a good guy.

Captain Brien: And I don’t see it changing you. I think you’re gonna enjoy the fame, but I don’t see you like, what do you feel like? You feel like, oh my God, now I’m a huge star? What’s it like?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I just feel like a big bottle of gratitude. That’s all I feel like.

Captain Brien: Just a whole bottle?

Vicki Barbolak: This is filled with gratitude. In my body.

Captain Brien: Ah, that’s exciting. That really is.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s so great.

Captain Brien: And, you’re married. You’re on your third marriage.

Vicki Barbolak: Third marriage. My favorite and current husband Lou is a piano player at the Comedy Store, so. He’s a great guy.

Captain Brien: And, you met him playing the piano. Do you sing, or do you just enjoy his piano playing?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I don’t sing, ever.

Captain Brien: Nothing.

Vicki Barbolak: Because I love people.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at singing.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, me too. Oh.

Captain Brien: We should sing.

Vicki Barbolak: We should sing, you wanna sing?

Captain Brien: I mean, I could try.

Vicki Barbolak: What should we sing? What’s a good Florida song?

Captain Brien: I know Happy Birthday.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s a good one.

Captain Brien: That’s a really, that’s a good one, right?

Vicki Barbolak: We gotta sing the bottle of rum song.

Captain Brien: Oh, is there a rum song? ♪ 99 bottles of rum on the wall. ♪

Vicki Barbolak: No, a bottle. Rum, I can’t remember right now.

Captain Brien: What is it? ♪ Drink one down ♪ ♪ Pass it around ♪ No? That’s a beer. Damn, I don’t even know of a song.

Vicki Barbolak: You know, I think we’re doing people a favor right now.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m so bad. So not musically talented. I don’t even remember the songs. Not even nursery rhymes, hardly.

Vicki Barbolak: Can’t do it.

Captain Brien: Only nursery rhymes I tend to remember, is, Dice.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh yeah, those are so funny.

Captain Brien: Right?

Vicki Barbolak: Telling your little children those. Chickory, chickory doc.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, I don’t think this one goes like that. My daughter’s like, daddy, that’s not the right one, daddy.

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: And she’s at school.

Vicki Barbolak: You know what I’ve been worried about lately, I went to the BevMo the other day, and they sell tiny little.

Captain Brien: Where’d you go?

Vicki Barbolak: BevMo.

Captain Brien: What’s that?

Vicki Barbolak: A liquor store, you don’t have those?

Captain Brien: No.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s like a giant, it’s like Costco of liquor.

Captain Brien: Oh, I need to get hooked up with them, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yes, of course.

Captain Brien: They could start carrying my brand.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ll bring it over. I know everyone at every BevMo. And so, they sell these little juice boxes by the cash registers. The same size boxes as Juicy Juice. With cocktails.

Captain Brien: Oh, perfect.

Vicki Barbolak: And I’m like, how many mothers are gonna be asleep when their kids are packing their little lunches. They’re gonna be drinking, you know, a margarita at their little kindergarten lunch.

Captain Brien: But what about the, like the wine? You see all these new wine carriers and stuff. Is it a problem? Like, are people struggling to drink wine, that they have to come up with all these creative new cases, and ways to travel with it?

Vicki Barbolak: It is just, I think people like.

Captain Brien: Like I see the wine purse now. The wine necklace. Have you seen the wine watch?

Vicki Barbolak: I have not got a wine watch. I’ve got a wine purse, and I’ve got a wine backpack. But, the wine boxes for individual carry, and for picnics and stuff, and also for driving on your way to work when you, when you, you know.

Captain Brien: Need another bottle.

Vicki Barbolak: Not in your car.

Captain Brien: You don’t want a bottle rolling around. A box is much better.

Vicki Barbolak: So much quieter.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. And then you have the cork earrings.

Vicki Barbolak: I have the cork earrings, of course.

Captain Brien: And, did you make those?

Vicki Barbolak: A lady in my trailer park makes them. But I did drink this wine.

Captain Brien: That’s beautiful.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, she makes them. I give her, she needs a little money, so it works out perfect.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so you plug it.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. So.

Captain Brien: Well, you’re gonna be at Off the Hook Comedy Club. Tonight’s show is nine o’clock. That’s Thursday.

Vicki Barbolak: Party down tonight, ladies.

Captain Brien: And, the Friday is seven and nine, and Saturday is seven and nine. And Sunday is seven. Get tickets at offthehookcomedy.com. But of course, do you want to give away a ticket right now? Two tickets to tonight’s show? What do they have to do?

Vicki Barbolak: They could do something?

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s let them, make them do something.

Vicki Barbolak: Call and tell us a joke?

Captain Brien: You have to message us right now. What city you’re in. If you’re in Naples or Fort Myers, then you have to message us, and you have to say who your favorite person is on AGT.

Vicki Barbolak: Okay.

Captain Brien: Like, the judges.

Vicki Barbolak: Okay, the judges.

Captain Brien: Who’s your favorite judge?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s gotta be Simon.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, he fell in love with you.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m in love with him.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, and his wife is in really good health. I probably don’t have a shot there.

Captain Brien: Dammit.

Vicki Barbolak: But, you know, it doesn’t matter, because it’s like, I believe in like, you gotta be attracted to other men, especially if you’re married or in your relationship. People feel like it’s putting gas in your tank. Because when you’re with your husband or something, you ask them to speak, in my case, in a British accent. And it just brings everything new.

Captain Brien: Right, it’s a whole new.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m all over Lou, I’m attacking him, like.

Captain Brien: It’s a whole new, it’s a new guy.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m putting him in a little black T-shirt. He doesn’t mind.

Captain Brien: No, do you make him sit behind the table and judge you?

Vicki Barbolak: And judge me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: For what I do for that, he’s very happy to do it.

Captain Brien: No buzzer, if he gives you the buzzer, forget about it.

Vicki Barbolak: Not that he hasn’t.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah

Captain Brien: One buzzer, he’s done.

Vicki Barbolak: It makes me jump like a seal.

Captain Brien: So listen, the cutest thing you said about Lou, though, was his Louber. He gave you a Louber ride?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, that is the first thing.

Captain Brien: That’s the cutest thing.

Vicki Barbolak: I couldn’t get an Uber, so I had to call a Louber, and that’s how it started.

Captain Brien: I love that joke. You know why, maybe I like it so much is because, my mom and dad, they’ve been married over 50 years.

Vicki Barbolak: Wow.

Captain Brien: And, they met, as well, at school, but my mom needed a ride home, and she never wanted to date my dad, until one day, my dad, my grandfather told my mom, you need a ride home today, because you have all this stuff to carry. Why don’t you ask that guy that asks you every day? And my dad was in, and that was it.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s so cool.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, so, he got a Santos.

Vicki Barbolak: See, never give up.

Captain Brien: Because his name is Santo.

Vicki Barbolak: Never give up.

Captain Brien: So I gotta come up with a funny ride for him.

Vicki Barbolak: Santo, his name is Santos?

Captain Brien: Yes, Santo.

Vicki Barbolak: Santo, what a cool name.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so he’s Italian.

Vicki Barbolak: I love it, of course he’s Italian.

Captain Brien: That’s my middle name.

Vicki Barbolak: Delicious.

Captain Brien: Brien Santos Spina.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, I love it. I went to Italy, and the guidebooks say, don’t stare back at the Italian men, or they’re consider it like, a sign of encouragement.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: So I was like. I did not shut my eyes for two weeks.

Captain Brien: You were gawking at them all?

Vicki Barbolak: Hey, get over here.

Captain Brien: You know, I didn’t know that, because, honestly, when I was 19, I spent a week in Venice myself. But the women wouldn’t look at me, and I’m thinking, well, it’s because I got dark hair, and I look exactly like all the rest of the Italians.

Vicki Barbolak: They’re trained not to.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: You should have. Vicki Barbolak would’ve been hey.

Captain Brien: I was thinking, if I came here with blond hair, they’d all be looking at me, but no.

Vicki Barbolak: No. It’s the guidebooks. They all know. And I mean like, once I found that out, I was home.

Captain Brien: Now I feel better about myself. Yeah, you’re good for my ego. Because, it’s been a long time, and I was struggling.

Vicki Barbolak: A good looking guy like you, forget it. Now you know.

Captain Brien: Now I know.

Vicki Barbolak: Just head down.

Captain Brien: It’s all it was, it’s a thing they do there. They just don’t stare.

Vicki Barbolak: No, they pinch, oh my God.

Captain Brien: On the cheeks, you like the pinch on the cheeks?

Vicki Barbolak: Of course.

Captain Brien:  Nah, it’s too much.

Vicki Barbolak: On the butt cheek.

Captain Brien: Oh. On the buttocks, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, yeah, all the time. I felt like I had a little happy target. It was beautiful.

Captain Brien: It is nice.

Vicki Barbolak:Mm, I love Italy.

Captain Brien: I’ll go with a pinch on the butt, over a pinch on the cheek.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, nobody does that.

Captain Brien: It’s too much, right?

Vicki Barbolak: No, God, no.

Captain Brien: It might mess up my Botox, too.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, yeah, cack. Botox goes squirtin’ out there like that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s terrible.

Vicki Barbolak: So is there any deals on plastic surgery while I’m here, by any chance?

Captain Brien: I have all the deals on that, yes.

Vicki Barbolak: Can you hook me up with something?

Captain Brien: What are you interested in?

Vicki Barbolak: I need my lips done.

Captain Brien: Oh, I could do that.

Vicki Barbolak: Well, I had my lips done, but you can’t tell, because I’m wearing pants. But, I would like to have my.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well, we do vagina rejuvenation, Dr. Dolla does it.

Vicki Barbolak: Dr. Dollar?

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s on my podcast on Tuesdays.

Vicki Barbolak: The vagina rejuvenation? Yeah, cool.

Captain Brien: And he’ll do Botox, and lips, you could do everything.

Vicki Barbolak: I would never waste money on my vagina.

Captain Brien: Really?

Vicki Barbolak: If the man cannot enjoy himself down there, and I have to spend money on it, then I’m finding a different guy. There’s too many men out there.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And there’s not enough vaginas.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m spending money on this stuff, that I care about.

Captain Brien: That you want to see.

Vicki Barbolak: I want to see. I don’t look down there. I can’t even bend that far.

Captain Brien: It takes a while to check it out, too. It’s a hard angle.

Vicki Barbolak: Who would do that? Ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Yeah. There’s probably not an Instagram, there’s probably not an Instagram good angle on that.

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: I mean, you talk about angles.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m infuriated by that, actually. Ladies, stop doing that.

Captain Brien: You don’t want it?

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: I thought, like, that’s a thing.

Vicki Barbolak: Ridiculous. It’s a dumb thing for men. It’s stupid.

Captain Brien: It’s just for the guys.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s just for them. Enough we give them. We cook and all that shit. We don’t have to do that.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, that’s hysterical.

Vicki Barbolak: I would like my lips blown up.

Captain Brien: I know one question I wanted to ask you. I have all these questions, and I’ve given you no, I haven’t asked any of them. Where’d you get the trailer nasty idea? Like, is that a whole thing you came up with before the show, or was it? Yeah, so it was a whole thing before the show?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. It just came to me. You know, jokes are like little things. Just drop in your head. And that just dropped in my head one day, trailer nasty. I liked the way it sounded.

Captain Brien: It’s nasty. People like it.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s good.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no one wants to be.

Vicki Barbolak: Trailer clean.

Captain Brien: Trailer clean, yeah, exactly. You know what I’m saying? I think it’s a good marketing campaign, it’s worked out well, huh?

Vicki Barbolak: People have fun with it, yep. And we actually copyrighted it, yeah. So, I’m grateful for that.

Captain Brien: So you need to have like a trailer nasty TV show.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s it, that’s what they’re thinking about.

Captain Brien: Is that what they’re gonna do?

Vicki Barbolak: Maybe, yeah. I like it. Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: This light’s pink, I think it’s pink. I’m gonna go for it.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: You know why? Because it was pink.

Vicki Barbolak: I can have a drink and relax.

Captain Brien: It was right in the timing.

Vicki Barbolak: It was so legal.

Captain Brien: One way or the other.

Vicki Barbolak: There’s no way. I would just not even worry about that. I’m driving around with an open bottle of rum. You wanna run a couple of lights, what the hell?

Captain Brien: What’s the rum got to do with it? A couple lights aren’t gonna hurt anyone.

Vicki Barbolak: No, everything’s good. Running with the Captain in the morning. There’s a crocodile right there, holy shit.

Captain Brien: We’re like regular rum runners.

Vicki Barbolak: He must be 14 feet long.

Captain Brien: We’re like a rum runner.

Vicki Barbolak: We’re rum runners, that’s what I call it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’re bootleggin’ this. We’re like pirates, we’re gonna pillage and plunder.

Vicki Barbolak: I wanna get in my bathing suit.

Captain Brien: We need to go to the store, by the way, and go buy you some lingerie, you said.

Vicki Barbolak: I need, I forgot to bring a, is that a policeman?

Captain Brien: That’s a cop.

Vicki Barbolak: Holy shit.

Captain Brien: Ah, right in the middle.

Vicki Barbolak: Is he watching Facebook Live?

Captain Brien: He probably is.

Vicki Barbolak: Shit.

Captain Brien: We have a lot of fans.

Vicki Barbolak: Crap, I didn’t even think about that. Somebody’s probably calling the cops, saying we’re driving around drinking.

Captain Brien: Always.

Vicki Barbolak: I never really opened this bottle, ossifer.

Captain Brien: No, we’re not, we’re not drinking. We’re not drinking.

Vicki Barbolak: I can get away, I can get out of it.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ll trace my body for this cop stuff.

Captain Brien: Have you used, like, some comedy to get out of tickets in the past?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s your move?

Vicki Barbolak: I have this one line. I did this one time. I did trace my body one time, that really happened, too. I traced my body with my girlfriend.

Captain Brien: Wait, tell me about tracing your body. What is that?

Vicki Barbolak: Trace your body, if you wanna get noticed, a friend of mine, Lisa, the geisha, I don’t wanna say she’s my best friend, but anyway. So she has this thing to get noticed, you go like this. Trace your body.

Captain Brien: Trace.

Vicki Barbolak: Trace your body, right.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. So, this cop pulled me over one night, I came right out of the club, he pulled me right over. He’s like I want you to walk the line. I said, okay officer, but first, I have to trace my body. And I got out of it, and then.

Captain Brien: Did you tell him, trace your body, or did you just?

Vicki Barbolak: I did it for him, because he asked me to step out and walk the line, I said, just a minute. And he cracked up. And I had not been drinking, I just literally came out of the club. And then the other time was a speeding thing, and he goes, okay, you’re a comedian. I go, I’m sorry, I’m tired. It was late at night, I was completely sober, and I had been, I was driving fast, and I was exhausted. And I shouldn’t have been driving fast, but, he pulled me over and he goes, okay, well, tell me a joke if you’re really a comedian. And I told him this one classic joke, and he let me off.

Captain Brien: And that was it, that was a good move.

Vicki Barbolak: Do you want to hear the joke?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course I do.

Vicki Barbolak: Can it have a nasty word in it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, absolutely.

Vicki Barbolak: So, here’s the joke I said. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Captain Brien: How?

Vicki Barbolak: How do you get a nun pregnant?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Vicki Barbolak: You fuck her.

Captain Brien: That makes sense.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And he laughed, and he let me off.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s a good move.

Vicki Barbolak: You can have it.

Captain Brien: I’ll take it.

Vicki Barbolak: Everybody out there, too.

Captain Brien: I’ll take it, everyone take that joke.

Vicki Barbolak: You’ll never get a ticket.

Captain Brien: Retweet it, that’s a good retweet.

Vicki Barbolak: There you go.

Captain Brien: Well, thank you so much for spending time with me today. It wasn’t like you had a choice.

Vicki Barbolak: I enjoyed it, I loved it.

Captain Brien: We’re in the car, so you can’t really run away from me.

Vicki Barbolak: Hey, there’s my first trailer park.

Captain Brien: That’s your people.

Vicki Barbolak: My cherry, I popped my first trailer cherry here in Naples, boom boom.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of them, actually, look.

Vicki Barbolak: Look at that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh those are more like, yeah.

Captain Brien: Are those good ones or bad ones?

Vicki Barbolak: Those are star wagons. No, those are nice, I mean, I like the permanently affixed ones.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m not going anywhere once I find a pretty trailer.

Captain Brien: Well, there’s a lot of high end trailer parks.

Vicki Barbolak: You know, I’m gonna spend the afternoon, probably visiting them.

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s some seriously high-end ones.

Vicki Barbolak: Other people go to museums, that’s what I do.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Vicki Barbolak: I drive around trailers.

Captain Brien: There’s a couple.

Vicki Barbolak: Security, though, can be tough.

Captain Brien: There’s some that actually have lots, over half a million, just for the lots.

Vicki Barbolak: I believe it. And sometimes you can’t get in. I mean, the security won’t let me in half the time.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well tell them who you are.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ve done it.

Captain Brien: Tell them you put trailer parks on the map.

Vicki Barbolak: These security guards could care less if I’m on America’s Got Talent, they’re like, I’m sorry ma’am, you’re gonna have to get a realtor to get in here. I’m like, what realtor would believe I can afford this place?

Captain Brien: Well, thank you so much for being on the show. It’s been great.

Vicki Barbolak: See you guys for the show.

Captain Brien: Yeah, go to offthehookcomedy.com, check in. Thank you.


S2:E6 The Captain’s Log with Special Guest Daniel Dragan!



Help us clean our beaches and keep them on the list of best in the world! Guest today Daniel Dragan has started a new organization that has big goals to stay clean!

Watch full video here ————–> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOeDpSAg5XU

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Daniel Dragen out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back guys, I missed you for a few days. We’re back with the Captain’s Log. My guest today, Daniel Dragon. Cleanourworld.org?

Daniel Dragon: .org, yes.

Captain Brien: .org. That’s interesting.

Captain Brien: Morning. I love it, I love it. So, is this a clean world outfit? What’re you wearing?

Daniel Dragon: This outfit is just related to the weather this morning, Brien.

Captain Brien: It’s so cold in Florida, right?

Daniel Dragon: It’s only 46.

Captain Brien: Yeah I woke up this morning early and a took a, I got on my bike and then I went back in the house and I got my winter coat on, ’cause it was so damn cold.

Daniel Dragon: Out of curiosity I was looking at the warmest places in Antarctica, it’s 68.

Captain Brien: Really?

Daniel Dragon: For real.

Captain Brien: Today?

Daniel Dragon: Not today.

Captain Brien: Ah.

Daniel Dragon: But that’s the record in Antarctica.

Captain Brien: Wow!

Daniel Dragon: So, thanks for having me.

Captain Brien: Yeah of course, of course.

Daniel Dragon: On the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: I am always interested.

Captain Brien: I try to do a lot of things with, with as you know I am a commercial fisherman. I haven’t been commercial fishing for a long time but, I do love the environment, I love the commercial fishing industry and obviously the beaches and everything that our ecosystem has here in southwest Florida, with the 10,000 islands and all the beautiful beaches in Naples. And your goal, it’s a new organization, yes?

Daniel Dragon: Yes, ah, my friends and I got together and we decided we want to help. I know there are a lot of organizations that help in cleaning the environment.

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: But we live here, we love this place.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: For a reason, we’re by the beach, so, and we have these beaches as the top 10 beaches in the world.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: So, we wanna keep it that way. Therefore, we want to get together and bring in as many people as we can to help clean the beaches.

Captain Brien: And you, obviously judging by the accent and the clothing, you’re not from Florida.

Daniel Dragon: I have been here for 16 years now.

Captain Brien: Okay good, you have been here a long time. I have been here 21.

Daniel Dragon: I wanted to make a comment on, it’s really been an honor to be on your log. Because you have famous people here normally and funny people, I’m not that funny. Only my wife thinks I’m hilarious.

Captain Brien: She does, well that’s good because that’s a good start. At least somebody does, usually the wife thinks you’re the least funniest.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah and to tie that in with where I’m from. Our first date, my wife and I, asked me, “What’s up with his accent?” I said, “What accent?”

Captain Brien: It’s fake.

Daniel Dragon: It’s not an accent.

Daniel Dragon: You know, when was young, I had a speech impediment.

Captain Brien: Oh

Daniel Dragon: I was speaking Romanian.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I’m still recovering from that.

Captain Brien: I like it, I like it. So she thought that was hilarious.

Captain Brien: That was good, that was good.

Daniel Dragon: So, yeah, I have been here for quite a bit. I do love this area and the beaches here.

Captain Brien: So what got you into the idea that you wanted to start a new, you’re shooting for the goal of a 501C3.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: I’ve been through the steps myself. So it does take quite a while. How long did you start the organization? How long has it been?

Daniel Dragon: It’s been a couple of months.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: And it started off with a concert I went to where after the concert people started picking up after themselves. There were golf carts that came in and dropped trash bags and everybody started picking up the trash.

Captain Brien: Oh that’s nice, on the beach?

Daniel Dragon: That was not on the beach.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: That was at a concert.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, like it was festival.

Daniel Dragon: Correct and I loved it, I loved the idea so much. Everybody was participating and I said, “We should always do that.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: Why don’t we always to that everywhere we go. Pick up after ourselves.

Captain Brien: I have a little superstition, so my grandfather always used to say, I fish a lot and he used to take me fishing. So he’d say, “You always have to leave the place that you’re fishing cleaner than when you got there.” Not only do you not leave anything behind, you have to pick up what’s there.

Daniel Dragon: I agree.

Captain Brien: Because you use the environment, you use the fishing. You enjoyed everything.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: So clean it up so the next person can even if you didn’t make the mess so I do. So I really do believe in that. And I just think that with Naples, Florida, we have some of the top beaches in the world. What’s the guy, Dr. Beach, he give us the top 10, right?

Daniel Dragon: Right, yep.

Captain Brien: We got the top 10 beach.

Daniel Dragon: We’re proud of that, we want to keep it.

Captain Brien: It’s beautiful, we wanna keep it clean and I think that more organizations that doing that, the better. There’s never enough, there’s always, you’re always looking I’m sure for volunteers to meet up. So, when you do you guys do it and how can people follow you and meet up and start participating in your organization?

Daniel Dragon: Sorry, I was looking down, I was trying to–

Captain Brien: That’s okay, that’s okay.

Daniel Dragon: Captain’s Log profile.

Captain Brien: No one was yelling at you, they were yelling at me.

Daniel Dragon: We are, you can find us on Facebook.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Look up cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: Or online, just type in cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: And follow the events. This is the first event we have and it’s this weekend. Saturday.

Captain Brien: And where do they meet up?

Daniel Dragon: We have four meet up points or check in locations.

Daniel Dragon:  We’re also provide–

Captain Brien: Hey Rainy, how are you?

Daniel Dragon: We’ll also provide free supplies, we will bring the bags. We’ll bring the gloves.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Even sunscreen and water.

Captain Brien: Okay

Daniel Dragon: For the volunteers, we do need more volunteers.

Captain Brien: So who’s providing, who gave you the money to start with the bags and the screen and how did you raise that those funds?

Daniel Dragon: We started, first I went through all my friends and their businesses.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I asked them if they wanna be sponsors. We do have a few sponsors at this point. We have EcoGreen cleaning solutions.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Daniel Dragon: They help with some of the supplies. And Village Home and Office Care. They’re very happy to help with covering some of these cost.

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: And let’s not forget Naples FL Taxi. He’s my favorite

Daniel Dragon: Oh that’s great. taxi guy in Florida, in Naples. So, we

Captain Brien: And how many people in your organization now, that are gonna be there on Saturday? What’s your estimate, so you have four locations. You have gotta have four people, at least?

Daniel Dragon: We have four people. That’s me, my wife, my step-son and a friend of ours.

Captain Brien: Okay and each one’s gonna be at each location.

Daniel Dragon: Correct, the locations are Fort Myers Beach.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: It’ll be beach access 33, which is south of Lani Kai.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Second one is Bonita Beach Park. Easy to find on Google Maps.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: The next one is Vanderbilt and Lowdermilk in Naples.

Captain Brien: Okay so they’ll meet there at what time?

Daniel Dragon: Eight o’clock.

Captain Brien: Eight o’clock on Saturday.

Daniel Dragon: And we plan from eight to 10 to pick up what we can find. At 10 we will start gathering all the trash bags together.

Captain Brien: Saturday the 20th?

Captain Brien: Saturday the 19th.

Captain Brien: The 19th, okay.

Captain Brien: Eight a.m.

Captain Brien: On the 19th at eight a.m.

Daniel Dragon: So eight a.m. to 10 a.m., at 10:30 we’ll leave and maybe meet up for breakfast somewhere.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I do have all the details on the Facebook event. So look up for Beach Clean Up Southwest Florida.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Our goal is to get this to become contagious.

Captain Brien: Absolutely, how often do you plan on doing the beach clean up?

Daniel Dragon: At least once a quarter, probably more, hopefully. But we wanna do, we start with the beach because it’s easy and fun for everyone and we’ll get involved in cleaning some other neighborhoods.

Captain Brien: You have a little cleaning device?

Daniel Dragon: Yes, well, I am a big proponent of concealed carry of a trash picker upper. Hold on I don’t know if you can see here, there you go.

Captain Brien: You gotta get it going.

Daniel Dragon: There you go

Captain Brien: Has that one actually been used yet?

Daniel Dragon: No, not yet.

Captain Brien: Not yet, that’s a clean one.

Daniel Dragon: It’s a clean one, it’s fresh.

Captain Brien: Alright, alright, that’s good.

Daniel Dragon: We have some to provide for those who can’t.

Captain Brien: That’s great. And those were donated by the first few sponsors that you already mentioned, that’s great.

Daniel Dragon: Correct, they helped in with the costs. So thank you sponsors for that. And if anybody else wants to get involved if you cannot clean but wanna be involved, please be a sponsor.

Captain Brien: And you’re going to also, not only do we want sponsors but we’re looking for volunteers.

Daniel Dragon: Correct.

Captain Brien: So after this post, when I put it up, you’ll be able to comment below and put the link on it where they can find you.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: And they can also, if they have questions, they can DM me and I can put them in touch with you. So you’re all hooked up, that’s great.

Daniel Dragon: As a thank you for all the volunteers that will come in, most locations, we’ve already figured out how to provide free parking.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: ‘Cause at the beach sometimes.

Captain Brien: Yeah absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: It’s problematic.

Captain Brien: Wait, how’d you do that? ‘Cause I wanna do that for my next event.

Daniel Dragon: Okay.

Captain Brien: My next event is just me going to the beach. So how do I do that?

Daniel Dragon: Well right now, I’ll tell you.

Captain Brien: What’s the secret?

Daniel Dragon: Big shout out to Lani Kai from Fort Meyers Beach, they provide some free parking spots.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Daniel Dragon: Right across the street there’s Norm’s Parking and right next to Lonnie Kai, Dave’s parking. They also provided.

Captain Brien: Dave’s parking?

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, I think it’s called Dave’s Sunset something.

Captain Brien: Is that Dave or Wave?

Daniel Dragon: Dave.

Captain Brien: Okay, I wasn’t sure.

Daniel Dragon: It’s the accent.

Captain Brien: It is, it’s definitely the accent, but it’s sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I mean that’s a chick magnet, right?

Daniel Dragon: Well it worked, I’m married.

Captain Brien: There you go, you got a real magnet. You got magnet, lock and key, all from the accent.

Daniel Dragon: Many other locations have provided or offered to provide free parking, all they want to identify the people that show up as volunteers to have this flyer printed and put it on the dashboard.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: And I’m gonna link this. it’s already linked on the event page.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Daniel Dragon: On Facebook.

Captain Brien: We can post it, you can also just post that in the comments as an image.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: And then they can click on it and print it out.

Daniel Dragon: So with that, most locations will allow for free parking.

Captain Brien: So how many people do you have signed up so far? How many do you need?

Daniel Dragon: So far, we have 150 signed up.

Captain Brien: 150!

Daniel Dragon: However,

Captain Brien: That’s impressive!

Daniel Dragon:They’re interested but not everyone said they’re going.

Captain Brien: Yeah, how many are going? They better be going, everyone’s interested.

Daniel Dragon: 50 said they’re going.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Daniel Dragon: We need more than 50.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Daniel Dragon: And we hope to turn those interested in going.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: It’s gonna be fun, it’s a good cause and might as well make it a beach day.

Captain Brien: What’s the temperature gonna be?

Daniel Dragon: I saw it’s gonna be about 81.

Captain Brien: Ah so you can wear your bikini and get a tan.

Daniel Dragon: So that’s the high on Saturday.

Captain Brien: Yeah and it’s beautiful.

Daniel Dragon: Much better than today.

Captain Brien: Today is a little chilly.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, we’re excited, let me see if I forget something.

Captain Brien: What’s the website so the people know where to find you.

Daniel Dragon: It’s easy, it’s cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: It’s a good website.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: That’s a good website.

Daniel Dragon: So.

Captain Brien: Good domain name.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah I dabble a little bit in marketing.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay, what’s your full time business?

Daniel Dragon: I’m an insurance guy. I provide low cost insurance for the rest of us.

Captain Brien: For healthcare or?

Daniel Dragon: All types of insurance, like people insurance. Not objects, so I don’t insure cars or homes.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: It’s life, health, disability, cancer insurance.

Captain Brien: Oh great.

Daniel Dragon: Medicare and a few others.

Captain Brien: You’re in the right area.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah and it’s been doing great and now with some free time on my hands I’d like to help the environment.

Captain Brien: So somebody is doing all the paperwork now for the 501C3?

Daniel Dragon: Correct.

Captain Brien: Are you doing that yourself or do you need somebody? ‘Cause I have somebody who does that and they really streamline it for you.

Daniel Dragon: I’ll take any help I can get.

Captain Brien: Okay, I have to figure out where in my contacts they are but I know I have somebody that does that.

Daniel Dragon: That’s awesome.

Captain Brien: And they were very good, I did it to 501C3 and it worked out well.

Daniel Dragon: Introduce me.

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah they were good, they walked me right through it. ‘Cause it’s a lot of red tape, right?

Daniel Dragon: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s hard.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: Some organizations spend all of their money tryin’ to become a 501C3 and they never even make it.

Daniel Dragon: Tryin’ to navigate through that right now. And it’s you know, we’re getting some head way. But we still some bumps in the road.

Captain Brien: Alright, great, well anything else you wanna tell our viewers before we call it a day here on the Captain’s Log.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, just, I invite everyone just bring your friends, bring your coworkers.

Captain Brien: They can bring their friends and their coworkers.

Daniel Dragon: And their friends and–

Captain Brien: Bring your wives, bring your girlfriends, who else?

Daniel Dragon: And their grandmas.

Captain Brien: And their grandmas, anybody who can walk and clean.

Daniel Dragon: Whoever cannot lean down to pick up, we have these.

Captain Brien: Yes. We have it all. Well no, I appreciate your time Daniel, and Dragon. That’s not a great last name, huh, no one loves that one. Daniel Dragon is my guest on the Caption’s Log

Daniel Dragon: Thank you.

Captain Brien: We had a good time today, we talked about all your positive vibes going down the beach, cleaning ’em up. And I wish you luck man, I really hope, we’re gonna push this out there and make sure that everyone comes out on Saturday, let’s shoot for 150 people.

Daniel Dragon: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Alright buddy, thanks man.

Daniel Dragon: Thank you so much.

Captain Brien: Appreciate you joining me on the Captain’s Blog. Hey guys, don’t forget to like and share the podcast. We’re on every week, this is season two 2019. And we’re gonna turn it up this year, be good. I’ll talk to you soon, see you tomorrow. By the way tomorrow, Vickie Barballo, oh my goodness. That’s a great show, don’t miss it.


S2:E5 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Joe List and Captain Brien!



Come join Captain Brien and Joe List on this super funny adventure!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Joe List out and send him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: What’s goin’ on? This is the Captains Log. Comedian Joe List, what’s up buddy?

Joe List: Not too much.

Captain Brien: This is your first appearance.

Joe List: I know, this is terrifying. By the way, this is like a great camera shot. You were pulling back, so like, it’s like the background is changing.

Joe List: Happy to be here. This is exciting.

Captain Brien: Thanks man.

Joe List: I’ve never done anything in a car before, other than sex, yeah.

Captain Brien: This is your first? A lot of sex in the car?

Joe List: Uh, I wouldn’t say a lot, but you know, twice–

Captain Brien: You keep it real.

Joe List: Yeah, my aunt was a spicy lady.

Captain Brien: Oh, not in the marriage though, I bet. That’s probably not car sex material.

Joe List: No, we don’t even have a car,

Joe List: so we’d have to rent a car.

Captain Brien: Or sex.

Joe List: Yeah, I’d have to rent the sex also.

Joe List: Alright, I’m tryin’ to find myself.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna pop up here in a minute so you can share it. We’re live with Joe List, he’s gonna be at Off The Hook, go ahead, he’s probably live now, and it’s gonna be all weekend. Thursday, which is tonight, there’s gonna be a show at seven, and seven to nine all weekend, all the way through Sunday.

Joe List: I can’t wait.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a good time, and this is your second time here, but, my goodness, you were a rookie when you came last.

Joe List: Yeah, well, I mean I was a veteran, but it feels, I’ve been doing comedy so long. I started in comedy when I was nine years old. I’m 30 years in here.

Captain Brien: What were you telling, Jack and Jill jokes?

Joe List: Yeah, that was

Joe List: It was Jack and Jill have sex in a car. Yeah, I was here in Summer, maybe May of ’09.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Joe List: I was opening for Nick Di Paolo, and that was when the club was in Marco Island, or on Marco Island, whatever you say.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: And we stayed at like a resort. I dunno if you remember.

Captain Brien: You did.

Joe List: You put us in this crazy resort.

Captain Brien: It was a good deal.

Joe List: It was unbelievable, I mean, for me–

Captain Brien: You should have paid me for that.

Joe List: It was pretty unbelievable.

Joe List: It was like the nicest place. I still have photos somewhere, on Facebook I think.

Captain Brien: They’ve actually redid that resort, and they spend like 100 million dollars to make it even better.

Joe List: Oh wow.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, I know. Now it’s a JW Marriott. Before it was the Marco Island Marriott, and they say it’s one of the busiest Marriott’s in the world. They stay like, 99% occupied, year round.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And enough about them, ’cause they don’t, they don’t sponsor this show.

Joe List: Yeah

Captain Brien: The hell with them.

Joe List: No, I hope they all die.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, exactly.

Joe List: I shouldn’t say that. This is going out live. I can’t even edit this.

Captain Brien: We are live. You can’t.

Joe List: Oh geez.

Joe List: I don’t hope anyone dies. I want everyone to be great and fine.

Captain Brien: Did you get to share it?

Joe List: I did, I’m shared.

Captain Brien: You are shared

Joe List: So what does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.

Captain Brien: That means that your people right now, if they’re on there watching, which they will be, and maybe they’re, you know, scrolling through, they can say hi. If you guys are watching, tell us hello, what city you’re in. I’ll even give you tickets to tonight’s show. Can I give ’em some tickets?

Joe List: Yeah, please. This is gonna be depressing though if no one writes,

Joe List: “Hey, I’m a fan of Joe.”

Captain Brien: Hey, stay tuned. You never know, I mean, they could be watching on their phone at work, and they don’t wanna get busted.

Joe List: I hope so, yeah.

Captain Brien: They just sneak peeks. But yeah, I mean like, 180 thousand people a week watch.

Captain Brien: Wow. Between all the shows, I’m on every day.

Joe List: 180 thousand.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s good.

Joe List: Yeah, that’s great.

Captain Brien: It’s been steady, so we’re havin’ fun.

Joe List: I’m happy to be here. I hope I get those kinda numbers.

Captain Brien: You brought your wife.

Joe List: I did, my wife is here. Come on out Sarah.

Captain Brien: No, she’s not here now.

Joe List: No, she’s at home, sleeping. She’s in the hotel sleeping.

Captain Brien: Do you have any kids?

Joe List: She came along. No kids.

Captain Brien: No kids?

Joe List: Sex, no kids. Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Wow, that guy just blew his airhorn.

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Ace is the place, the helpful place, and apparently he’s helping that guy put his car in gear.

Joe List: Yeah, look up from his texts. But yeah, my wife is here. She’s in bed right now, but she’s hilarious. I don’t think she’s ever been here either, to Naples.

Captain Brien: No? This is her first?

Joe List: First time, yeah. We do Key West every year, but this is our first time–

Captain Brien: So, there is a club down in Key West, right?

Joe List: It’s not a club, uh, I guess it’s a club. My friend would be mad if he heard me say that. It’s a bar, show, but they’re kinda makin’ it a club.,

Captain Brien: Yeah, but it’s only been-a goin’ for a couple of years, right?

Joe List: Yeah, a little bit.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they actually contacted me and I said I wasn’t gonna do it.

Joe List: Oh, really?

Captain Brien: It was too much for me.

Joe List: Yeah, it’s a lot, I mean it’s a strange place, and it’s hard to get to. It’s a weird island, but it’s a fun place. You can walk around naked, they have a–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like the Garden of Eden. Did you go up there?

Joe List: Garden of Eden? I’ve been there a few times. Well last time–

Captain Brien: Did you pull out the whole junk?

Joe List: When I went years ago, in my drinking day, I don’t drink anymore. I’m old and I’m gay now, but uh–

Captain Brien: Do you know Gary da Silva? He’s in Billerica, Mas.

Joe List: I know Gary da Silva!

Captain Brien: What’s up buddy!

Joe List: Gary’s a firefighter. I’ve known Gary for 20 years. More than 20 years.

Captain Brien: Well we’re giving you a little shout out right there. Put out all those good fires and be safe Gary.

Joe List: Yeah, Gary, come down to Naples, right now, immediately. We got a show tonight.

Captain Brien: Yeah, support the show. Buy a ticket, he said.

Joe List: Hope that’s the right Gary though. Be bad if it was–

Captain Brien: Nah, Gary de Silva, it’s your boy.

Joe List: Yeah, that is my boy.

Captain Brien: He loves you.

Joe List: That’s nice. That’s who I get. I don’t get fans, I just get people I grew up with.

Joe List: But anyway, I don’t even know what I was sayin’ now.

Captain Brien:- Me neither. Do you have ADD? ‘Cause I do.

Joe List: Well I think we all do now with the phones. Forget  about it.

Captain Brien: Is it the phone keepin’ you busy?

Joe List: It’s all I do. I just look at the phone and that’s it.

Captain Brien: And you forget it, like what’s goin’ on.

Joe List: A lot of times. I’ve gotten better, but I think I’m better than most. When I’m with people, I’m great. When I’m by myself on the road, I do a lot of looking at the phone. It’s the situation.

Captain Brien: I do too, and when I look at the phone though, sometimes I can’t hear anybody else, just the phone.

Joe List: Oh yeah, totally. You’re immersed.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: Against the whole world. Part of me, some of it’s great. You can learn, like a lot of times I’m not just looking, scrolling through social media, I’m reading shit.

Captain Brien: I do the same thing. I hate reading novels, but I’m definitely learning like, what’s going on in the world or what’s trending.

Joe List: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s trending on Instagram.

Joe List: Yeah, you’re obviously very savvy.

Captain Brien: That’s very important!

Joe List: That’s important stuff. No, I do well, I’ll read. But this is what I do now. Now I’ll watch a movie and like, three minutes in, I’m like, “I’m gonna look up the director. “I’m gonna find out where the director grew up.”, and then I’m like, I can’t even watch the movie. I keep pausing, I’m like, “Let me see “if she’s ever been naked in anything.”

Captain Brien: What about the documentaries? Those kill me, ’cause I’m like, “Now I gotta Google what’s going on “with this guy’s life before it ends.”

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: And I’m the middle, I’m like, “Ah, I already know this guy’s made it “or it’s a bust.”

Joe List: Right. By the way, this guy just wrote in that I was saying I’m old and gay. Now I remember it. We were talking about Key West. About goin’ to Garden of Eden, and I used to get naked there, but now, in sobriety and older age, I don’t get so naked.

Captain Brien: And you can’t bring out your phone at the Garden of Eden, right? They don’t let you.

Joe List: Yeah, not allowed to.

Captain Brien: Right away, they get on top of you for that. It’s frowned upon.

Joe List: When I first went there, I was like so excited, ’cause I was 23 or 24, and I was like, “I’m gonna go see some naked people.” But the people that get naked at Garden of Eden, are 125 years old.

Captain Brien: It’s not the same. It’s not the same caliber.

Joe List: Yeah, not like beautiful women walkin’ around topless. You’re gonna see an old pud.

Captain Brien: Now there is some naked resorts across the world, like in Ibiza and stuff where there’s some very attractive naked people, but the Garden of Eden seems to attract not the finest, not 10’s.

Joe List: Yeah, no.

Captain Brien: There could be some good sevens.

Joe List: It’s not a hot spot. I think maybe you get a visitor or something like that, but I think it’s also, ends up being mostly dudes that think they’re gonna go see a hot woman.

Captain Brien: A bunch of naked chicks.

Joe List: So you’ve got like 11 naked guys and a few people in their pants, goin’ “This sucks.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: I feel like I’m–

Captain Brien: I never did that. I never went to the Garden of Eden, but I know it well, ’cause I’ve been to Key West, and who doesn’t hear about the Garden of Eden?

Joe List: It’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: It is?

Joe List: I spent some time in Key West, and I didn’t, I do now, I go there every year to do the show, but when I was young, my friend Tom Dustin who runs the show, we went down there and had a wild time, and we got robbed by two women in Miami the day before we went.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Joe List: We lost all our cash. Yeah, I had a $1,000 in cash taken from me.

Captain Brien: No, a lady robbed you?

Joe List: Yeah, well what happened was, I guess they were kinda like, ladies of the night. I thought I was just killin’ it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you thought you were hookin’ up with these chicks.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. So we were walkin’ around drunk.

Captain Brien: I gotta hear this.

Joe List: And I was the only guy, I’m wearing like, jeans and sneakers, and I’m wearing like, New Balance sneakers walkin’ up South Beach in Miami, which is like, the hippest place on earth.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you looked like an easy target, ’cause they’re like, “These guys are on vacation.”

Joe List: Yeah, I looked like a goof. I had like, you know, wired glasses and jeans from Sears, everything, all Sears, head to toe.

Captain Brien: What year was this?

Joe List: This was ’06.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Joe List: So I was 24, and this woman walked up to me and she was hammerin’. She was like, “Hey baby, you wanna party?” And I was like, “Yeah, yeah, let’s rip it. “I just got here. I’m from Boston. “Lets have some fun.” She was like, “Well where are you stayin’?” I was like, “I’m stayin’ right over here.” And it was two women. They were kinda heavy, but I was, you know–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t ask for the best on the road. You take what you get.

Joe List: Yeah, I was into it, and they came up to me. I mean they sparked it, so I was like, “Yeah, let’s go to my room.” And then I was like, “I gotta find my buddy Tom.” And they were like, “No, no, he’s with our friend.” So I just thought these three random women just started grabbin’ us, and I find out later

Captain Brien: You thought you were hot shit. Like, I am freakin’ handsome in South Beach.

Joe List: Yeah, so they walked me, I mean again, these were not attractive women, but they were very nice. They were like, they took me by the arm, you know, I was elbow and elbow, I had a girl on each side, which is a dream.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Joe List: Went back to the hotel, and then one of them started, she– We can be dirty on here, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to a point, sure.

Joe List: Okay.

Captain Brien: Kinda censor it.

Joe List: I don’t wanna get too crazy but she took her bosoms out.

Captain Brien: Yes, she took out her boobies.

Joe List: Yeah, and she was pressing them on my face and kinda doin’ one of these things, and then the other girl, I was like “Where are you at? What goin’ on here?” And she was kinda touchin’ my genital area over the pants, and I was like “This is amazing, what a wild, “I’m havin’ a threesome in Key West, “I mean in Miami, I just got here an hour ago.”, and then all of a sudden, she was like, “You know what? We’re gonna get outta here.”

Joe List: And I was like, “What? I’m not even naked yet. “What’re you talkin’ about?” And they were like, “We gotta go. “It was great to meet ya’.” And then they just took off, and I was so drunk that I was like, “Boy, that was weird.” I was like, “Maybe I said somethin’.” And then I looked over. I could see the zipper of my bag was open, and I had all cash. I didn’t have an ATM card at the time.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go right to the bag? Were you like, “Yo, I got bags!”

Joe List: No, I think she was just rifling through the bag.

Captain Brien: While the other one was smothering you with the breasts.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: So you were breast smothered. That was like, her Bird Box. She Bird Boxed you.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. Classic move, a breast smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: ‘Cause you can get away with anything if you can smother someone’s face

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Joe List: with a breast.

Captain Brien: No doubt.

Joe List: So, she did that, and then the other one I think had like, one hand, she was kinda touchin’ me so I knew she was there, and then with the other hand was goin’ through my bag, and again, I’m like, extremely inebriated.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go through the bag and not your pockets? They’re good.

Joe List: They might have gone through the pockets also. I dunno.

Captain Brien: It was probably an hour. It was an hour of breast smuggling.

Joe List: They probably were like, “This guy “doesn’t have an ATM card. This guy’s a loser.” I don’t know, but they went through and I just had cash, and my mother, before I left was like, “You shouldn’t carry cash like that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: But I just didn’t have a bank card. I just had cash, so I lost 1,000, and then my friend showed up. Oh, that’s what I forgot to say. So in the middle of it, my buddy Tom showed up, and I was like “Dude, look at this! “This is crazy!” ‘Cause I didn’t realized I’d been robbed yet, and he was like, “I just got robbed.” He’s like, “I lost $500.”

Captain Brien: Get out! They had already hit him up?

Joe List: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So they literally told you, “Oh, my other friend is taking care of your buddy.”

Joe List: Yes, so it turned out he was receiving a style of sex, you know, and they were goin’ through his pockets while doing that, so he at least received like, some more sexual– It was a little more advanced, sexually than I got. I just got a boobie smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you were excited about that.

Joe List: I was thrilled with that. I mean at the time, I wasn’t exactly crushing it, nor am I now, by the way.

Captain Brien: When you’re married.

Joe List: I mean I have a beautiful wife. So anyways, that was that, and then, so it was day one of like a seven day vacation, and we lost 100% of our money. I had to call my mother. My aunt wired us some money.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Joe List: And I had to pay her back.

Captain Brien: That’s like the thing where you get the call and it’s fake, right? “Hey, I’m on vacation, I lost all my money. “Can you wire me money?”

Joe List: Yeah, it seemed like a joke, and like the day before, she was like, “This is a bad idea.”, and I was like, “Yep, we got robbed.” I mean, day one, but the nice thing was, we went down to Key West, and we started telling everyone the story. It’s a great atmosphere down there, and people would buy us drinks and stuff. People were like, “Oh, that’s terrible. “Let me get you a beer.”

Joe List: And we kinda milked it, quite a bit. We got a lot of free booze, and we would just tell the story together, and people loved it. We were a big hit down there.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Joe List: But yeah, it was great, but for years I’m finally doing well enough that I don’t add that $1,000 to my account when I look at my money.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: For years, every time I looked at my statement I’d be like, “There should be $1,000 more!”

Captain Brien: “Ah, wish I had that grand.” Yeah.

Joe List: But I also gave this great big broody speech, where I was like, “You know what, who gives a shit? “If they need to take our money, “let ’em take our money.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: “We’re not gonna let this die.” It was like this big like,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: rah, rah speech.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you felt, you were feelin’ it right from the heart, and the wallet.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly, we had to keep it goin’. We ended up havin’ like, the time of our lives. I got great photos of all of it.

Captain Brien: So, my buddy owns Irish Kevin’s. Did you get to go to Irish Kevin’s?

Joe List: Yeah, I’ve been to Irish Kevin’.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s Irish Kevin, that’s my buddy.

Joe List: No kidding.

Captain Brien: So he’s a good time. That’s how, he’s the one that contacted me and said, “My friend’s opening up a bar and gonna do comedy there. “I want you to book it.”, and then I was like, “I can’t”.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: So that’s how I was like, contacted. Wow, that guy just threw the thing right there.

Joe List: Yeah, I think he just dumped a bottle of urine out the window, which is fine, you know.

Captain Brien: So tell me, you grew up in Boston.

Joe List: Yeah, well Massachusetts, South Shore. I grew up in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: Okay, and I grew up in Wakefield.

Joe List: Yeah, which is, I feel like similar towns but flipped.

Captain Brien: Right. The opposites.

Joe List: One’s North, one’s South, which by the way, we call it Massachusetts, I never thought this was weird. We always say South Shore, the South Shore plaza, but it’s not the shore. I grew up like 35 minutes from the beach. Like the South Shore plaza–

Captain Brien: Yeah, we say North Shore.

Joe List: Yeah, as in Braintree, but it’s like, we’re not on the water.

Captain Brien: Right, we’re not on the shore, like shipwrecked.

Joe List: Yeah, people would come visit or whatever and see where I grew up, and they’re like, “So where’s the beach?” and I’m like, “The beach?”

Joe List: And I’m like, “The beach is like, 40 minutes away.”

Captain Brien: So do you have the roast beef sandwiches, like Bill & Bob’s, is that a thing on the South Shore? I know it’s huge on the North Shore.

Joe List: No, well there’s Mike’s Roast Beef was a big place. I moved to Everett for a couple of years for comedy.

Captain Brien: So in Everett, so you had like–

Joe List: There was Kelley’s was not far, and then Mike’s Roast Beef, which is still there. I still go up there.

Captain Brien: It’s delicious, right?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: There’s nothing like that around here.

Joe List: No, it was amazing. I mean someone should come down here and do a roast beef place.

Captain Brien: I did.

Joe List: You made a roast beef place?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did, in 2005. Captain Brian’s Seafood and Roast Beef, and I did the exact thing.

Joe List: And it didn’t–

Captain Brien: It did really well.

Joe List: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: It turned into Captain Brian’s, then it turned into Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: But that’s how I started, and Bill and Bob, the owner came down, he says, “I heard you’re the Bill and Bob’s “from down south. “I’m gonna see your roast beef.” and he cooked roast beef in my kitchen.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And he taught me, like, the secrets.

Joe List: Wow.

Captain Brien: The real friggin’ thing.

Joe List: Oh, I thought I had that million dollar idea by the way, but you already done it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did it. I did it, I did a lot. Some worked, some didn’t.

Joe List: That’s the way it goes.

Captain Brien: That’s how you roll.

Joe List: It’s like jokes.

Captain Brien: You gotta test out the waters.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Randy wants me to say, “I wanna hear a chicken finger.” I like to say chicken fingers. Do you say chicken finger, or chicken finger?

Joe List: Well, I’m hangin’ out with you, so I’ll start soundin’ like that again. Like when I go home to hang out with my family, I’ll start sounding a little more like a Kennedy. To me, when I was drinking, or if I’d get really angry my accent will come out a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents have lived down here for 22 years and so have I, but my accent’s mostly gone I think.

Joe List: Right.

Captain Brien: Or is it bad?

Joe List: I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Joe List: I noticed it a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents sound like they literally have never left.

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: I’m like, how do you still talk like that?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Nobody else is doing that.

Joe List: It’s interesting, because it’s just so ingrained. It’s just like how you speak I guess, but it’s weird because when I was a kid, I got made fun of ’cause I would say bathroom, and like everyone made fun of me. They were like, “What are you, an English piece of shit.”, whatever, and then I was like, “Oh, alright.”, so I stopped saying bathroom consciously, and then like, Good Will Hunting came out, and it became like, the coolest thing to sound like that,

Captain Brien: Yeah, Boston.

Joe List: so all of a sudden, like I had this accent and people would make fun of me, and I was like, “Oh god, I guess I’m a nerd. “I sound like I’m British.” So I’d change the way I talk, and then Good Will Hunting came out and all of a sudden like everyone in my class was like, “Joe, you’re wicked crazy.”, and I was like, “You didn’t sounds like that two days ago.”

Captain Brien: Like, wicked, I didn’t realize wicked wasn’t a thing.

Joe List: I didn’t either. It’s amazing how many things you realize, like Patriot’s Day is not a holiday anymore.

Captain Brien: Correct. What is Patriot’s Day?

Joe List: Yeah, I thought, that was mind blowing to me, ’cause I still to go up there every year for Patriot’s Day.

Captain Brien: And Columbus day is like, I think that people don’t get it unless you’re up there. What do you think?

Joe List: Columbus Day?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: That’s a national holiday, isn’t it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it seems like it, right? And they wanna tell you about Plymouth Rock.

Joe List: Right, Plymouth Rock they love, and that’s so fascinating, but Columbus didn’t land on Plymouth Rock.

Captain Brien: No, who did?

Joe List: The Pilgrims.

Captain Brien: The Pilgrims. So that’s why we get Patriot’s Day, or no?

Joe List: No, Patriot’s Day is about I think Battle of Bunker Hill?

Captain Brien: Oh! That’s what it–

Joe List: No wait, that’s Bunker Hill Day. Patriot’s Day is, I dunno.

Captain Brien: The Bunker Hill Monument.

Joe List: Some sort of revolution. But that’s not actually on Bunker Hill. That’s actually Breed’s Hill, and Bunker Hill is in like, Somerville.

Captain Brien: This is true. This is true.

Joe List: That’s some fun trivia.

Captain Brien: That is a good little knack that you’ve acquired along the way.

Joe List: Yeah, a little Boston trivia. By the way, are we going somewhere? I feel like you’re just flipping around. I dunno

Captain Brien: I can’t turn in this.

Joe List: what the hell’s going on.

Captain Brien: You can’t turn in there.

Captain Brien: I just drive and drive until the conversation gets dead, and once the conversation dies, I pull in.

Joe List: Every once and a while I look over, I’m like, “Where the hell are we?”

Captain Brien: There’s no turn in. There’s no access to get in here, so you gotta go down, turn, right, left, and pull in.

Joe List: Gotcha. Well Patriot’s Day is a holiday in Boston. I still go every year, ’cause the Red Sox play at 11:05am, and the marathon’s going on. I go every year.

Captain Brien: Which is the best. That’s a huge day in Boston.

Joe List: It’s the best.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: You go to the game, then you spill out. Time to watch all the, you know, the not elite runners.

Captain Brien: I go to Pizzeria Regina, I get some pizza on the way in.

Joe List: Yeah, you can do that.

Captain Brien: I love it.

Joe List: We live it up, I mean, I love it, I go every, this past year the game got rained out, which was frustrating. I was there for the bombing, which was, that’s not a fun thing to bring up on a comedy show.

Captain Brien: No. But it’s very interesting. And then did you see the movie?

Joe List: I did not see the movie.

Captain Brien: You didn’t?

Joe List: No. I saw the real life thing.

Captain Brien: I know.

Joe List: No, I did not see the movie. I should see the movie.

Captain Brien: The movie’s great.

Joe List: I’m sure it was enjoyable.

Captain Brien: It’s really interesting.

Joe List: Yeah. That was a fascinating time.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Well anyway, guys, this is the Captain’s Log. Joe List. Go see him at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight through Sunday, tellin’ the ha-ha’s, all the jokes, you’re gonna love him. You’ve seen him on Netflix, now you’ve seen him on a Captain’s Log. Joe, thanks buddy

Joe List: Thanks for havin’ me.

Captain Brien: Let’s go, we’re goin’ on

Joe List: I appreciate it.

Captain Brien: a radio station now. 103.9, then 96k-Rock. We just finished 105.5 The Beat. We’re out, and the Captain’s Log will be live tomorrow. Two episodes, so I know you’re just so excited. Seeya.


S2:E4 The Captain’s Log with Eric Myers and Captain Brien!!



Comedian Eric Myers joins us as we talk about Eric’s Uber driver job and code brown at Walmart😂!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Erik Myers out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back on the Captain’s Log. Erik Myers, what’s up buddy?

Erik Myers: What’s up peanuts?

Captain Brien: What are you doing?

Erik Myers: I’m sittin’ here havin’ a good time.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna put on my shades cause you’re too cool.

Erik Myers: I don’t know about that. I am pretty cool. I got my new leather jacket from Forever Twenty Ones, 39.99.

Captain Brien: That’s our new intern right there

Erik Myers: Who?

Captain Brien: Right there, Kendall.

Erik Myers: Hi, Kendall.

Kendall: Hi Erik.

Erik Myers: Kendall’s a rapper and she’s gonna rap for us.

Erik Myers: Go Kendall.

Captain Brien: I did hear her telling us how talented of a rapper she was.

Erik Myers: She said she was the next Biggie Smalls. That’s exactly to quote.

Captain Brien: So we just finished 105.5, The Beat.

Erik Myers: We did finish it.

Captain Brien: And, Erik, you’re performing at Off the Hook Comedy Club, tonight.

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Wednesday, yes.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: What? No.

Captain Brien: Seven o’clock show.

Erik Myers: No, I canceled that.

Captain Brien: And I’m gonna give you

Erik Myers: I have a hair appointment. I’m washing my hair. Look at it.

Captain Brien: Giving away free tickets now. Stop, you’re interrupting. It’s my god damn show.

Erik Myers: You shut up!

Captain Brien: Erik Myers tonight at 7:00.

Erik Myers: 7:00.

Captain Brien: Off the Hook Comedy Club. E-M-F, Erik Myers Free. E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com. Use that promo code and you can get free tickets.

Erik Myers: Free.

Captain Brien: To see Erik tonight. The first 20 people, after that you gotta pay.

Erik Myers: 20 of you are lucky. The rest a you is screwed.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: You have to big money to see me.

Captain Brien: I’m just gonna make my way up here because if I sit here to long that’s right when the sun is right in my face.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m practically blind I don’t even have sunglasses. You and Kendall have sunglasses and I got nothing. I’m gonna put my little visor down.

Captain Brien: Look at this visor down.

Erik Myers: It didn’t do nothin’.

Captain Brien: Well your face is really small it’s like little.

Erik Myers: I gotta little tiny peanut face. Brien why do 20 people get to see me for free tonight at seven Off the Hook Comedy Club.

Captain Brien: Offthehookcomedy.com

Erik Myers: Offthehookcomedy.com thank you, code E-M-F.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing you’re not my promo guy. My hype man.

Erik Myers: I am your hype man. E-M-F E-M-F. Promo code, seven o’clock!

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki hey Randy what’s goin’ on guys? We’re live on the Caption’s Log and today is Wednesday. This is season two, season one took 13 years to complete.

Erik Myers: I can’t believe you haven’t been canceled yet. What are the ratings of this shit?

Captain Brien: But anyway go, when you’re on the damn podcast I know you guys are, you can like it and share it, and also give us a rating on iTunes or Stitch or Sound Cloud wherever you’re watching from. Or if you’re watching on Facebook just say hello when you tune in. Tell us what city you’re watching from. ‘Cause I wanna know where you guys are today and–

Erik Myers: When wanna know where you are.

Captain Brien: And not to rub it in but it is 70 degrees sunny and we’re in Fort Myers and it’s beautiful and I’m sure where you guys are watching it’s either here or somewhere where it’s cold as hell. So tell us where that is right.

Erik Myers: It’s cold everywhere else probably.

Captain Brien: Kendall this is your first appearance on the Captain’s Log, how do you feel?

Kendall: Very honored.

Captain Brien: You are right?

Kendall: Super nervous.

Captain Brien: Oh my God it’s so scary.

Kendall: Okay very scary.

Erik Myers: Oh it’s Kobe.

Captain Brien: So Erik what’s the plan while you’re in town buddy?

Erik Myers: Brien I’m gonna do a bunch a heroin and go to Walmart.

Captain Brien: Excellent thank you, I appreciate the–

Erik Myers: They can’t ban me forever.

Captain Brien: This is a family show so that’s good.

Erik Myers: What, I bring my family.

Captain Brien: Yeah you do.

Erik Myers: Yeah I bring them to the Walmart and we all shoplift it’s a group effort. I got 100 pairs of socks last time.

Captain Brien: So I had the visor up and it was perfect right exactly in the middle of our camera shot which was good that was good.

Erik Myers: Oh you got me from all angles.

Captain Brien: I do.

Erik Myers: We need like a crotch cam to get the full effect.

Captain Brien: Yeah a lot of hair on that one.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: Biggs is watching we’re going–

Erik Myers: Big mama sent us a message.

Captain Brien: Yeah we’re headin’ over to 103 now we’re on the way to see Babs and Biggs and Mel–

Erik Myers: Yay!

Captain Brien: And you’re gonna tear it up right?

Erik Myers: I’m sure as heck gonna try.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Erik Myers: I’m gonna do this, I just started Uber driving and I wanna do like have a camera in it, almost like Cash Cab but like record people be messing with them but I don’t know would they have to sign like a release? First of all I was picking up these college kids the other day in my Uber. I’m a 30 year old Uber driver and these kids in the backseat so I’m like what’s your major? And he’s like English. And I’m like that was my major. And he just started crying. He’s like–

Captain Brien: And then did you open the door and let him out?

Erik Myers: He jumped out and I was going 50 miles an hour.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating by the way? Your big joke is that you get to rate and they get to rate you. What’s your rating as a driver?

Erik Myers: I’m rated X.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I’m driving buck naked.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating?

Erik Myers: My bare ass is pressed on the seats for all to see. I am rated 4.92.

Captain Brien: 4.92.

Erik Myers: My rating went down just because I got a four star rating but I only had 12 rides at that time. Well driving, I did Uber Miami, and it’s like first of all downtown Orlando Miami half the streets are one way streets, half the streets are closed, people drive like they’re crazy. You know in Florida people put on their turn signal people don’t let you over they speed up. They gotta be the first one to the red light or something. Everyone gets so angry in these damn cars they need to relax.

Captain Brien: So why’d someone give you a four star? Did you make the wrong turn?

Erik Myers: Because I um–

Captain Brien: They looked at your driving record? I have to talk about that.

Erik Myers: I was drinking vodka out of a thermos.

Captain Brien: Alright guys the promo code to see Erik is E-M-F because I know there’s some of the people E-M-F you get to see him tonight. Back to the Uber.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So when you signed up to be a driver they didn’t make you make you submit like your drivers license, they did a background check or anything?

Erik Myers: They did but I have a secret identity.

Captain Brien: So how–

Erik Myers: My name is Nol Galager.

Captain Brien: How the hell did that happen?

Erik Myers: I went there and I said no, I said I have a good driving record.

Captain Brien: Because you haven’t had your license.

Erik Myers: I haven’t had a license so I have nothing. I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: You’re a safe driver.

Erik Myers: I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: I’ve got a good driving record and I’m Ubering.

Captain Brien: I’m not trusting my kids with Uber anymore, not after this.

Erik Myers: What no dude I’m a good Uber driver.

Captain Brien: Thank you Vicki, E-M-F thank you Vicki yes.

Erik Myers: E-M-F Vicki come to my show please we need you.

Captain Brien: Yes I love it.

Erik Myers: I’m doing good Ubers and then–

Captain Brien: And I’ll be live tomorrow with Joe List he’ll be on the Captain’s Log. We’re going press again. We’ll be at gator country 105.5 The Beat, we’ll be on 96k-Rock, we’ll be on 103.9, and that’s tomorrow morning. Kendall are you with us tomorrow morning? Or you have school?

Kendall: I’ve got school.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: School!

Captain Brien: What does she need school for?

Erik Myers: School?! You’re rollin’ with the big dog. This guy practically runs Naples.

Captain Brien: You’ve already made it.

Erik Myers: You’ve already made it. This guy if he walks into McDonalds they’ll throw two homeless people out of line to get him an egg mcmuffin I’ve seen it done.

Captain Brien: You wanna know a funny story?

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So I’m with Kevin Hart and I don’t wanna name drop but I’m with Kevin Hart, we go to Cracker Barrel. And the freaking lady at Cracker Barrel by the way just put your feet right on my dash right there–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about it.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry Brien I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about my dash nothin’. Your grubby ass sneakers that’s good put ’em right there.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Make yourself at home.

Erik Myers: I got ArmorAll’s in my car.

Captain Brien: So we walk in to Cracker Barrel and Kevin’s got like four of his homies with him right.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: And the lady’s captain Brien oh my God I love you, what’s going on blah blah blah. And I’m with Kevin Hart and they didn’t even know who he was.

Erik Myers: That’s hilarious.

Captain Brien: And their freakin’ dudes like his whole possy thought it was the best ever. Like the best freaking day of their life they’re like this is the best thing ever.

Erik Myers: He got upstaged by captain–

Captain Brien: Yeah it was so funny.

Erik Myers: Captain B is famous out here man.

Captain Brien: And now I’ll take three zeros off of his paycheck and I’ll still be happy. Just delete three zeros and still make me happy.

Erik Myers: Oh my goodness oh my goodness. You need to add three zeros to my check.

Captain Brien: There’s no zeros on your check just one, just a zero.

Erik Myers: It’s just a zero. They give me a check for zero dollars. I owe them money at the end of the night. Like–

Captain Brien: Depends how much you eat. So no this is a true story.

Erik Myers: I eat a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Another true story. John Pinette spent upwards of $9,000 in the weekend at the hotel in the mini bar and the hotel restaurant and bar.

Erik Myers: $9,000?

Captain Brien: His bill.

Erik Myers: In a week?

Captain Brien: No dude in three days. Yes, yes.

Erik Myers: I don’t even think that’s possible.

Captain Brien: It’s possible because I saw the bill. And I was like oh I don’t pay those bills I only pay taxes and room charge not incidentals. And they’re like oh we’ll charge it to Mr. Pinette’s card thank you.

Erik Myers: $9,000.

Captain Brien: It was 90 something 600 or something.

Erik Myers: What? What was he eating?

Captain Brien: Dude it was, and it was all mini bar. How crazy is that?

Erik Myers: Well that could be three sodas from a mini bar.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers:  Where’d you have him up at the Ritz-Carlton?

Captain Brien: It was at the–

Erik Myers: Marriott?

Captain Brien: J.W. Marriott.

Erik Myers: Yeah that was the nicest hotel. He was the nicest guy on the planet.

Captain Brien: He was awesome.

Erik Myers: He was the best guy rest in peace and a comedy genius.

Captain Brien: Loved him.

Erik Myers: Yeah he took me to Mangiamo’s one time he got us like seven appetizers, I had like no money. And then I went up to a casino and lost $60 playing crabs and he gave me 60 bucks.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Mhm, and he gave me $100 tip at the end of the week. He loved me.

Captain Brien: He was a good dude.

Erik Myers: He was a nice guy.

Captain Brien: He really had a heart of gold didn’t he?

Erik Myers: He did, he did. He was a great guy and a great comic.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you in comedy? I mean you’ve been doing comedy now for what 20 years no? How long?

Erik Myers: Probaby, 17 years.

Captain Brien: 17 years?

Erik Myers: I did it twice before then but May 10th 2001 is my go to date. This has happened to me three times where someone has fallen off a stool and had to have an ambulance called and have them taken out.

Captain Brien: Here we are.

Erik Myers: Yeah that has happened to me. And it’s very weird cause I’m on stage and somebody will be drunk or they’ll take like pills or whatever before the show, and they’ll fall right off the stool and I have to stand there and I can’t really make jokes ’cause the person might be dead so it’s like but then going back on after it’s the whole shows ruined. That has happened to me three times in my life.

Captain Brien: It is weird I’ve had like people, it’s just the general public, you’ve had people have heart attacks, choke on a meal, like all kinds of crazy stuff.

Erik Myers: That would freak me out I couldn’t even watch that.

Captain Brien: You know you have thousands of people a week in your venue and weird stuff happens. So it’s the same stuff when you’re on stage I can totally get that.

Erik Myers: Have you ever have someone choking and someone had to give them the heimlich maneuver?

Captain Brien: Yeah dud a couple times.

Erik Myers: Oh my gosh. Really?

Captain Brien: I’ve had people throw up, people–

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: People lay a turd. Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude yeah yeah yeah. The general public does some weird stuff.

Erik Myers: Wait they–

Captain Brien: A turd. Fell right out of his pant leg.

Erik Myers: What do you mean?

Captain Brien: But it happens apparently ’cause the other day I was in Walmart and I literally, it was a code brown, in the aisle there was a turd on the floor. And the lady–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry about that.

Captain Brien: I was Snapchatting it–

Erik Myers: I drank some prune juice.

Captain Brien: It was a turd right in the freaking electronic section. And this was the other day, it was on my Snapchat, true story.

Erik Myers: Should have been in the toilet paper section. Wait did they put little cat ears or something on it?

Captain Brien: And I was like in the electronic section? The people in the electronic section have more money than this they shouldn’t be turding in the aisle. They should be a little educated.

Erik Myers: You need to by some apple underwear.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: The iDiaper. It plays 30 million songs.

Captain Brien: It was on the side I think it was where the accessories were they needed more accessories.

Erik Myers: He left an accessory. That’s the idukey.

Captain Brien: Oh Liz is in Massachusetts. What’s happenin’?

Erik Myers: Must be freezing.

Captain Brien: Michelle how are you? Yeah I know I’m sorry it’s actually 71 it’s gotten one degree warmer here since we’ve been doing this show.

Erik Myers: It was 66 when I woke up I was freezing. I had to put my little jackies on.

Captain Brien: What time did you wake up this morning?

Erik Myers: I woke up, you picked me up at 7:25, and I rolled out of bed around 7:24.

Captain Brien: Oh nice did you wake up when I called you?

Erik Myers: I did when you called me I lept right out of bed I was fully dressed and perked and ready to go. And I had some crystal meth right by the bed–

Captain Brien: How many Redbulls have you drank today?

Erik Myers: I am on my 19th one.

Captain Brien: No did you have your Redbull fix yet?

Erik Myers: I have an IV pumping my chest that pumps me full of glutamina and fluxtime. No I haven’t had any Redbulls today.

Captain Brien: No Redbulls?

Erik Myers: I had two cups of coffee.

Captain Brien: Usually you have a couple Redbulls to fire up the morning don’t you?

Erik Myers: Well then stop and get me one peanuts.

Captain Brien: I gotta go we gotta go radio because–

Erik Myers: Brien I was thirsty, I was parched.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of traffic today so this episode might run a little longer ’cause I–

Erik Myers: I’m running out of wise cracks.

Captain Brien: What is that? Is that a set list?

Erik Myers: I was suppose to bring my set list but I accidentally brought my list of things I need from Walgreens so it’s not gonna be very funny.

Captain Brien: Okay so what is it?

Erik Myers: Nair for men. Extra small condoms. And a Caramello Bar.

Captain Brien: Wait have you actually–

Erik Myers: What’s up with Mountain Dew?

Captain Brien: Have you actually ever used Nair for men?

Erik Myers: I have.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: I did.

Captain Brien: What did you put it on?

Erik Myers: We don’t need to talk about it.

Captain Brien: No did you put it on your junk?

Erik Myers: I put it on my bald spot that’s why.

Captain Brien: No.

Erik Myers: I wanted to look older and more distinguished.

Captain Brien: It’s working.

Erik Myers: I did it is working. I Naired my legs one time. I Naired my legs one time because they were so hairy.

Captain Brien: Sarah’s said she’s been to the club at least ten times and Erik Myers is our absolute favorite.

Erik Myers: Awwwww Sarah I lovins you. Bless your little heart. Bless your little heart.

Captain Brien: You put the Nair on your nuts?

Erik Myers: I did one time yes.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Yes, and Nair takes off one layer of skin and your nuts is like one and a half layers of skin.

Captain Brien: Does it say on the package that it’s okay for that area or no?

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I see a picture of nuts with like the ghostbusters thing, don’t do it. I, my balls were like transparent. It looked like a sandwich bag with two plums in it.

Captain Brien: That’s a nice size package.

Erik Myers: They were like ghost balls–

Captain Brien: If they were the size of plums, each one was the size of a plum? That’s a big package.

Erik Myers: I have gigantic balls. I get it from my mother. My grandmother had a huge sac. We use to call her coin purse. Big balls.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I’ve laughed that much on a Captain’s Log ever and that’s embarrassing you made me laugh so hard.

Erik Myers: Oh my God, my grandmothers sac was saggin’ down to the fuckin’ Antarctica. Oh sorry.

Captain Brien: Oh great now you’re cursing. Oh my God. Ida what’s going on?

Erik Myers: Brien, Ida!

Captain Brien: We’re in Fort Meyers and we’re stuck in traffic there’s a lot of traffic and the sun’s right in our face.

Erik Myers: We’re stuck.

Captain Brien: I gotta tell the camera guy to do some adjusting on the light here.

Erik Myers: What camera guy? You got a freaking five dollar thing from Walmart.

Captain Brien: Alright fine well whatever.

Erik Myers: You could buy that when–

Captain Brien: It sounds better when ya know they can’t see it. I have to build it up like it’s a real thing.

Erik Myers: I wonder if the guy who shit on the floor in Walmart is watching this right now crying.

Captain Brien: I literally–

Erik Myers: I ate a bunch of fruit loops!

Captain Brien: Right after I Snapchatted it, a little guy came over with gloves on and a mask. And I’m life you’ve got gloves and a mask on everybody’s walking around normal, what the hell is wrong with this turd? Is this like a radioactive turd?

Erik Myers: If you step in it you’ll become turd man.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: Like spider man, that’s your origin story. Wait did you ever see Caddy Shack? There was like a baby Ruth in the bowl and someone picks up and eats it.

Captain Brien: Oh my God they I think they’ve shortened this light they’re letting three people go through at a time.

Erik Myers: Dude this is preposterous.

Captain Brien: It’s so many–

Erik Myers: I could walk to the damn hotel.

Captain Brien: Well we’re not going to the hotel we’re going to 103.9.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m done tired.

Captain Brien: You’re done for the day?

Erik Myers: What do you want from me?

Captain Brien: Hey you guys wanna see Erik tonight? Use the promo code E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com.

Erik Myers: Come see me!

Captain Brien: And I promise he’s funny he’s hysterical.

Erik Myers: I’m hysterical.

Captain Brien: And John Charles is opening up for you.

Erik Myers: John Charles! Yes he is the hilarious John Charles, very funny comedian and the Fazzle.

Captain Brien: Is he comin’?

Erik Myers: He’s hosting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God Fazzle. Fazzle watches all the time. Fazzle–

Erik Myers: Fazzle’s great I love Fazzle. He’s very funny.

Captain Brien: Fazzle I’ve given him a hard time this morning and–

Erik Myers: Why he’s a good guy! He’s got funny jokes.

Captain Brien: I always give him a hard time it’s fun.

Erik Myers: Brien you damn–

Captain Brien: Kendall how’s your experience on the Captain’s Log so far?

Kendall: It’s good, it’s good.

Captain Brien: Are you doing okay?

Kendall: Oh yeah I’m doing great.

Captain Brien: Alright Kendall how come no male interns ever wanna be my intern? It’s always females.

Erik Myers: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Kendall why is that? Is my ad specific female specific?

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: No it’s not!

Kendall: It’s targeted.

Captain Brien: I did not. I didn’t even run an ad so it’s at the college–

Erik Myers: What does it say on the ad?

Captain Brien: It’s FGCU.

Kendall: No prostitutes.

Erik Myers: Male prostitutes–

Captain Brien: You have to put in your size and measurements. That’s the qualification.

Erik Myers: For the tip of your intern?

Captain Brien: No I’m joking it’s at FGCU.

Erik Myers: Me too right here sexual harassment.

Captain Brien: No guys ever apply, I was just wondering why it’s always females.

Erik Myers: I applied.

Captain Brien: Well you had to be in school.

Erik Myers: I said I’d fuck you. You never returned my calls.

Captain Brien: I blocked you after that.

Erik Myers: I sent you a sexy Snapchat of me shitting on the floor at Walmart. And I said this could be your face.

Captain Brien: That was you? That was you?

Erik Myers: I’m the Walmart shitter, I’ve been five places in the tri state area.

Captain Brien: I’m a little disappointed, I honestly thought that post would go more viral than it did. It only had like a thousand views. On Snapchat. I was pissed I mean you guys should have given it more love. It was a turd dammit!

Erik Myers: I think you shit on there to drum up business. For captain Brien.

Captain Brien: I didn’t even even do it, I just happened to come across a turd on the floor.

Erik Myers: You should sell captain Brien’s diapers for adults.

Captain Brien: Yes. It’s part of my merch at captainbrien.com. I sell that with my vodka, that’s captain spelled out, Brien B-R-I-E-N dot com. You can buy all the merch.

Erik Myers: I’m drinking captain Brien vodka right now and I’m hallucinating.

Captain Brien: No you’re not we’d shut you off.

Erik Myers: No he cut me off he said it’s not alcoholic fun punch.

Captain Brien: So you guys wanna listen to us after this shenanigans is over which is in just a few minutes–

Erik Myers: I sad!

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on Big Mama the Wild Bunch because we just finished on 105.5 The Beat.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: And after that around ten o’clock we’re gonna be on 96k-Rock with Jeff Sitto.

Erik Myers: I’m so excited.

Captain Brien: And Kendall has already failed. She’s suppose to be videoing. You’d think she’d video one time. Kendall have you videod done anything during this show yet today?

Kendall: No not at all.

Captain Brien: Zero?

Kendall: Zero.

Captain Brien: What am I paying you for?

Erik Myers: She’s relaxing!

Captain Brien: You should pay me for all this exposure.

Erik Myers: She’s getting paid.

Captain Brien: Yes it’s a–

Erik Myers: I gotta do this for free.

Captain Brien: It’s a damn shame.

Erik Myers: I’m a big star.

Captain Brien: This is what I think should happen right now. She should pay us for all the freaking knowledge we’re giving her.

Kendall: We’ll go to Five Guys.

Captain Brien: It’s ridiculous.

Erik Myers: It’s on you and you’re not even getting free tickets to the show.

Captain Brien: I’m calling the labor board right now.

Erik Myers: I’m calling them, I’m depressed.

Captain Brien: What are you gonna tell them?

Erik Myers: I’m gonna tell them I need to work. You’ve been talking about poo poo all day it’s making me sick. People are shittin’ on the damn floor at Kmart.

Captain Brien: No it’s Walmart.

Erik Myers: Why are you shopping where everyone’s shitting on the floor?

Captain Brien: It was Walmart in Naples. This is real, I’m not lying.

Erik Myers: Well rich people shit too.

Captain Brien: Well they don’t on the floor.

Erik Myers: You idealist.

Captain Brien: You don’t have to take it on the floor.

Erik Myers: Well you know some people gotta go they’re old.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing you ever did in Walmart?

Erik Myers: Me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers: I shit on the floor.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: In aisle seven. Is that where, in electronics!

Captain Brien: It was in electronics.

Erik Myers: I was, I got so excited by the apple watches I just shit right on the floor.

Captain Brien: That was not you, that was not you!

Erik Myers: I got so excited.

Captain Brien: It was small, it could have been a small child. It wasn’t like a huge plop, it was like a little turd.

Erik Myers: I take small poops. I only eat raisins.

Captain Brien: Did you ever do anything crazy at Walmart? Everyone’s got a good crazy Walmart story no?

Kendall: Oh hell yeah.

Erik Myers: One time my friend, no this wasn’t at Walmart, this was at like Rooms To Go, he dared me to lay in the bed, like the display bed and put the blankets over me and when anyone walked by he was like videotaping me, anyone walked by I was like hey can you wake me up in 20 minutes for work? And people gave me the dirtiest look, they finally threw me out.

Captain Brien: Did you sleep?

Erik Myers: I was like pretending to sleep but I had my shoes and all my clothes on and I got under the blankets and these people were walking by the bed and I was like can you guys keep it down? We were like making a YouTube video but they didn’t know it because he was hiding and the manager came by and he was yelling at me I was like okay give me five more minutes. I was like what time is it? Wake me up at three I gotta go to work. It was actually kinda funny but.

Captain Brien: It sounds funny.

Erik Myers: Yeah I don’t know what the craziest thing I ever did at Walmart–

Captain Brien: One of the craziest things I ever did I know was I don’t know if that’s legal but we’re just gonna roll with that right there like that.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: The video like that.

Erik Myers: You can’t even see the oncoming traffic I don’t feel safe in this vehicle Brien.

Captain Brien: Let’s see. It’s another camera angle you know.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m a professional Uber driver I think I know how to drive.

Captain Brien: Really? Why did Kendall switch positions?

Kendall: I need a better angle.

Captain Brien: Oh you need a better look?

Erik Myers: She’s trying to jump out of the car and I don’t blame her.

Captain Brien: So one time I had a bike race in Walmart. That was fun.

Erik Myers: In Walmart?

Captain Brien: Yeah we used their bikes and–

Erik Myers: Who raced you and your kids?

Captain Brien: No a couple buddies. We were driving around Walmart on our bikes and racing and then the guy was like sir you can’t do that anymore. And I was like okay I’ll ride it back and I just drove it right back and parked it.

Erik Myers: What was that post you did on Facebook your kid was like my hair looks dead ass ratchet today or something?

Captain Brien: My daughter when she was like–

Erik Myers: So she got her cellphone back right?

Captain Brien: Yeah she got her cellphone back. She said something like dad my hair looks ratchet I need to get it cut today, dead ass. I was like you’re 11 nothing’s dead ass and it’s not ratchet.

Erik Myers: What does ratchet even mean?

Captain Brien: I don’t know. It’s like a ghetto term of like–

Kendall: Daytona.

Erik Myers What does it mean?

Kendall: Daytona, Daytona is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Daytona is ratchet. Like the city?

Kendall: Daytona Beach on spring break is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Really?

Erik Myers: What is ratchet?

Captain Brien: Yeah what’s ratchet mean?

Erik Myers: We’ll ask the college girl.

Captain Brien: Yeah the college girl knows.

Kendall: Ratchet is like just very dirty very grimy.

Erik Myers: Dirty and grimy.

Kendall: And gangsta

Captain Brien: Dirty and grimy and gangsta.

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s ratchet?

Kendall: That’s ratchet.

Erik Myers: I’m ratchet.

Kendall: Twerking, twerking on a stage is ratchet.

Erik Myers: ‘Cause it’s dirty?

Captain Brien: I like to twerk. How’s your twerkin’ skills?

Erik Myers I can’t really make my butt cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: No?

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Oh I make them clap.

Erik Myers: It’s kind of a soft calm.

Captain Brien: I make it clap make it clap make it clap.

Erik Myers: It’s like a golf clap.

Captain Brien: That’s my move.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: That’s my move that’s what I do at the club right away I go right to the clap.

Erik Myers: You make them ass cheeks clap?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: I like to twerk. I twerk at Walmart.

Captain Brien: You do?

Erik Myers: I make them ass cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: In the aisle?

Erik Myers: Yeah and then the values fall down. It’s like 10% off, I’m like, they’re like 20% off. My balls are flappin’ around.

Captain Brien: You make it rain.

Erik Myers: I make it rain, I make it hail–

Captain Brien:  We’re not making it rain here on the Captain’s Log but we are–

Erik Myers: Prounce no.

Captain Brien: We are causing a lot of problems.

Erik Myers: I’m making diarrhea.

Captain Brien: I’m trying to drive Jesus what’re you doing?

Erik Myers: You call this drivin’? Jesus Christ

Captain Brien: Yes luckily this car drives itself.

Erik Myers: I think you’re legally blind.

Captain Brien: The car drives itself so we’re good.

Erik Myers: Well it sucks.

Captain Brien: I just gotta stay like semi on the road.

Erik Myers: Kendall will you drive? Because I think Brien’s had one too many captain Briens cocktails.

Captain Brien: Look there’s a cop right here in front of us. This is my move. If we get pulled over I’m always gonna put the live on air sign on. Don’t you think that would work? I hope that works. Actually I hope I never get pulled over–

Erik Myers: If we do we’ll get shot and put it on YouTube. but if I do I’m just gonna turn on the live on air, and he’s gonna say sir why are you live on air? Well I film a show in this car sir and I’m just doing a stunt. This was a stunt.

Captain Brien: This is a stunt.

Captain Brien: A speeding stunt.

Erik Myers: It’s a speeding stunt. I think you’d get off.

Captain Brien: I think it could work.

Erik Myers: Whenever I tell a cop I’m a comedian they always let me go. They’re like tell me a joke.

Captain Brien: Well guys thanks for tuning in. Go see Erik tonight at Off the Hook. We’re going on 103.9–

Erik Myers: When do we start filming this?

Captain Brien: We’re gonna start the show in a minute and this is the Captain’s Log. You guys like share say hello, there’s a little bell in the corner–

Erik Myers: Little bell!

Captain Brien: Ring that, press that little bell and you get notified that we’re live. When we’re live on the air you will know.

Erik Myers: You should have little twerking–

Captain Brien: And then if you had fun, if you enjoyed even a half a second of this show, give it a like. If you enjoyed more than five minutes then you have to share it, it’s just common law. And thanks for tuning in we had fun we’re here.

Erik Myers: Gracious!

Captain Brien: We’ll be back tomorrow with Joe List. Thanks for watching guys this is the Captain’s Log and oh yeah you can watch all the episodes on YouTube you can see this live but you can download the podcasts, Stitch or iTunes, Sound Cloud. I’m just gonna keep talking I don’t know why, this show’s over. Erik go do something, I don’t pay you anymore, you’re done.