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S2:E10 The Captain’s Log with Amy Hunter and Captain Brien Bring You Couples Therapy!

Everyone’s favorite Mom from The Outnumbered Mother by Amy Hunter on the #captainslog! Don’t miss out on her live show at #offthehookcomedyclub Wednesday, January 28th! She is now here to bring you couples therapy!

Watch Full Video —————>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRhbmKe-Ss

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Amy Hunter out and show her some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back, live on The Captain’s Log. Amy Hunter and this is exciting cause we’re just a few days away from your live show.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited for live show.

Amy Hunter: Couples therapy?

Amy Hunter: Yes.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do some couples therapy? Tell me.

Amy Hunter: The last couple shows we did were really geared towards moms’ night out and my buddies who actually have penises were like we’re not being represented. I thought maybe you got trapped.

Captain Brien: I felt like I was freaking trapped, Jesus.

Amy Hunter: I went on a vacation with all of my friends on the internet last summer and we stayed in an AirBnB on this lake in Michigan. It was gorgeous, but there was like a bathroom downstairs with a pocket door and everyone kept getting trapped in the bathroom.

Amy Hunter: We kept texting each other like help, trapped in the bathroom and it’s embarrassing enough that it’s a bathroom but usually if you went down to the basement to go to the bathroom you were probably going number two.

Amy Hunter: So it’s just so embarrassing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re getting out of the way.

Amy Hunter: How emasculating. You’re like get me outta here.

Captain Brien: That’s pretty bad too.

Amy Hunter: It was so bad

Amy Hunter: I was like I can’t believe y’all are still my friends after this weekend. We got stuck in a bathroom. Then you’re questioning your IQ.

Amy Hunter: You’re like how long is it to get out of a room.

Captain Brien: Running the shower.

Captain Brien: Turning the radio on. Oh, I’m just listening to the radio on my phone.

Amy Hunter: You had to life the door up and like that.

Amy Hunter: It was not my best moment.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Amy Hunter: We’re all sharing the text messages from each other like help, it’s me.

Amy Hunter: I’m downstairs.

Captain Brien: So how often do you text when you’re using the bathroom?

Amy Hunter: You mean actually have conversations with people?

Captain Brien: Yeah, do you text a lot?

Amy Hunter: I scroll. I will scroll like nobody’s business and I’ll comment on things online. I mean I guess I do text sometimes. I don’t know. Not often am I texting. In general I’m not texting a lot.

Captain Brien: The other day I was texting somebody and then they called me and they’re like you sound like you’re in the bathroom and I’m like well that’s good cause I am.

Amy Hunter: I am.

Captain Brien: That’s the reason why I was texting you.

Amy Hunter: I was texting you.

Captain Brien: Why are you calling me?

Amy Hunter: I have a degree of friendships. If you’re a really really good friend I will answer the phone in the bathroom.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Amy Hunter: If you’re a very good friend if I have to pee I will not get off the phone with you.

Amy Hunter: And I will pee with you on the phone, but if you’re an acquaintance I won’t answer when you call.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Amy Hunter: If I’m in the potty, no. But also being a mom you don’t get alone time.

Captain Brien: Cause then you have to hit the mute when you flush.

Captain Brien: Right? And they’re like hey are you there? Yeah, I’m here.

Amy Hunter: I’m fine, totally.

Captain Brien: I just freaking ran in the other room after I flushed.

Amy Hunter:Totally. I couldn’t share with you what was going on.

Captain Brien: Hello, hello.

Amy Hunter: You couldn’t know at all.

Captain Brien: Moms do that, dads do it.

Amy Hunter: Dude. Well, you know I still have young kids so I haven’t been alone in the bathroom since 2005.

Amy Hunter: Right.

Captain Brien: They’re at the point now where if you actually close and lock the door they’ll just start shoving things like mom open this.

Amy Hunter: I’m like, what?

Captain Brien: Oh, they want you to do that right away?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I’m like you know you have a dad. He is here somewhere.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Amy Hunter: He has hands. My husband’s doing this new thing and I think that happens when you get a little bit older, is that he could fall asleep anywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Amy Hunter: He’s a narcoleptic.

Captain Brien: I’m the worst, I’m the opposite.

Amy Hunter: I can’t fall asleep.

Captain Brien: Fall asleep ever.

Amy Hunter: I have to take an Ambien.

Amy Hunter: Two Benadryls. Some over the counter thing and I’m still sitting there going oh, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher mom.

Amy Hunter: I can’t even fall asleep ever.

Captain Brien: Last night, I didn’t wanna take a Benadryl but I was having an allergy attack.

Amy Hunter: So it was totally productive.

Captain Brien: I’m not supposed to eat soy. Like an idiot I ate a teriyaki chicken rice bowl or something, it’s all soy.

Amy Hunter: The whole thing, right.

Amy Hunter: What’s the thing with soy are you allergic to it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m allergic to soy.

Amy Hunter: Oh, that’ll do it.

Captain Brien: Teriyaki sauce is made with soy sauce, right. It’s all soy. So like an idiot I ate it. All night I was suffering, sneezing. I’m like I’m not gonna take a Benadryl cause there’s no way I can wake up and go to the gym in the morning. After I take a Benadryl it kills me.

Amy Hunter: It really kicks your ass. It kills me.

Amy Hunter: Not me.

Captain Brien: No? You’re fine?

Amy Hunter: With an Ambien, and a Benadryl.

Captain Brien: And a Bendaryl?

Amy Hunter: And an over the counter sleep aid.

Captain Brien: Oh, you’re hardcore.

Amy Hunter: Dude, and I have to have headphones on with an Ambien app.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but you’re drinking coffee right now.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I started at six.

Amy Hunter: If I get six hours of sleep, it’s go time.

Captain Brien: You’re ready to go.

Amy Hunter: Dude, I would make the world’s worst hostage.

Captain Brien: Ever.

Amy Hunter: Dude!

Captain Brien: They would be giving you back?

Amy Hunter: Sleep deprived, I will tell you all the secrets.

Amy Hunter: I will tell you everything.

Amy Hunter: Let me spill.

Captain Brien: You just start right away?

Amy Hunter: After 24 hours of no sleep? Blah.

Captain Brien: Boop!

Amy Hunter: I’m like, state secrets.

Captain Brien: It comes out.

Amy Hunter: I’d be the shittiest CIA operative ever.

Amy Hunter: Every time I watch Homeland and they make the Clara Danes character look like the hottest mess ever I’m like nope, I’d be worse.

Captain Brien: My daughter would be the best.

Amy Hunter: Yeah? She has a poker face and stuff.

Captain Brien: When she was three you couldn’t get it out of her.

Amy Hunter: Woo.

Captain Brien: If you’re gonna rob a bank you take her.

Amy Hunter: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s like key, vault. Nothing’s coming out.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how I’d feel as a dad with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s tough. It’s tough. One time she drank cough syrup–

Captain Brien: When she was little, and she reeked of cough syrup. You’d notice now, right?

She’s wearing lipstick around her face. You didn’t touch the lipstick?

Captain Brien: She’s like nope, didn’t do it. Nope. I’m like Briana.

Captain Brien: You know that I can smell the cough syrup. Nope, never happened.

Amy Hunter: She’s taking it to the grave.

Captain Brien: Yeah. She still says she didn’t do it.

Amy Hunter: You know, I admire her commitment though.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: Because if you’re going to do it take it to the next level. You have to stick with the lie. You have to. Even my friend, someone I knew or something was cheating, he still to this day is like never happened. Never happened. She’s like you had her panties in your car!

Captain Brien: Of course.

Amy Hunter: No. You gotta commit to the lie.

Captain Brien: You just gotta keep going with it.

Amy Hunter: I’m not good. I’m not good at that kinda stuff.

Captain Brien: You give it up right away.

Amy Hunter: Well because I find the more lies you tell the better of a memory you have to have and I suck with that. I can’t remember your name 20 minutes after I met you. I’m like who? What?

Captain Brien: I think the good liars, and I know a few really good ones, they just believe it.

Amy Hunter: Yes. Oh yeah, because they’re sociopaths.

Captain Brien: They believe what they’re saying. I’m like that’s not how this happened!

Captain Brien: What are you talking about? But in their mind they’re clearly like no this is exactly what happened.

Amy Hunter: But I know it didn’t.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Amy Hunter: I was there.

Captain Brien: I was there. That’s nowhere near the way it worked.

Amy Hunter: It’s hard to argue with someone like that.

Captain Brien: It’s so hard. You can’t.

Amy Hunter: See I have a– It was recently pointed out to me I am argumentative. I did not know I was argumentative. I thought that I was just strong and

Amy Hunter: You know, a little, maybe high strung. Took an Uber the other night, downtown Naples to go out to eat. We get in the car. Of course I had to sit shotgun cause my friends hate other people. I don’t hate people. So we get this Uber driver, who’s a chick, and I was all into that because we never get chick Uber drivers. She has on a 90’s, 80’s station. I’m like oh, yes, love this song. It’s Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah!

Amy Hunter: We’re all dressed to go out.

Captain Brien: By the way he was my neighbor for a while.

Amy Hunter: Nice! Was he a nice guy?

Captain Brien: He never talked to me once. But he did wash his Mustang 5.0 convertible with his shirt off in the driveway.

Amy Hunter: Ooh, and that did something for you?

Captain Brien: No!

Amy Hunter: Oh.

Captain Brien: It was before Instagram. I should’ve taken a picture.

Amy Hunter: You should’ve. Robert Van Winkle whatever. So this lady, Ice Ice Baby’s on, and she goes yeah, I know. I like this song too. She goes it’s a shame that Billy Joel sued him, for the rights to that bassline. I’m like no, no Billy Joel didn’t sue him.

Amy Hunter: Right, I just got confused. It wasn’t Billy Joel. It was Queen and it was Bowie. She goes no, no. Hundred percent it was Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Wait, the Uber girl?

Amy Hunter: Uber girl!

Captain Brien: Oh! Jesus.

Amy Hunter: She decides to take on the Long Islander. We knew Billy Joel songs more than we know National fucking Anthem.

Amy Hunter: I mean honestly, you don’t question a Long Island girl with Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Amy Hunter: I can sing The Stranger, the entire album, front to back to you right now. Glass Houses, hi. I’m like no, no, no, no. I just start googling and my friends hate confrontation. They’re in the back seat like cringing.

Captain Brien: Wait were they like Amy’s doing it again?

Amy Hunter: No, when we got out of the car, of course I was freaking right and proved it. She was like oh I can’t believe you were right. I’m like don’t take on the master, homie, don’t. They’re like get out of the car, and the one friend goes you are kind of argumentative. I said but she was wrong!

Captain Brien: It wasn’t an argument. You just had the facts right.

Amy Hunter: That’s the thing. Opinion versus facts. They’re two separate things. The sky is blue. My eyes are green. Billy Joel did not sue Vanilla Ice.

Captain Brien: Vanilla, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Dude, don’t test me on a fact. I’ll cut you, obviously. Poor Uber lady. She gave me one star. She rated me.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Amy Hunter: Thanks a lot.

Captain Brien: I believe it. What kind of car was she driving?

Amy Hunter: It was a Honda, no big. I mean I haven’t really gotten an Uber situation where the car is really great, have you?

Captain Brien: No, but I do see that funny prank all the time and I keep watching it.

Amy Hunter: Which one?

Captain Brien: You haven’t seen the guy that picks everyone up in the Lambo? You haven’t seen it?

Amy Hunter: I have not seen that.

Captain Brien: Oh, it’s great! He’s like Uber! They’re like what? This is my Uber?

Captain Brien: He’s like yeah, Uber.

Captain Brien: Come on I got you, I got you.

Captain Brien: Then when they’re driving he says something to them like you want me to go really fast

Captain  Brien: Or really slow or something like that and everyone’s like go really fast. Then he pins them to the seat and they’re like oh my god!

Amy Hunter: Wait but Uber tells you what kind of car is coming for you.

Captain Brien: I don’t know maybe it says it like on there.

Amy Hunter: See, you have to be the most gullible human being just to get into anyone’s car.

Captain Brien: But he really is Ubering.

Amy Hunter: Oh, okay that’s different.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s really picking them up.

Amy Hunter: Okay, so it’s not a prank, he just has a Lambo.

Captain Brien: No, it’s their real Uber.

Amy Hunter: Okay, alright.

Captain Brien: He does it, you know it’s like a pranky kinda funny thing.

Amy Hunter: That’s funny.

Captain Brien: He doesn’t do it all the time.

Amy Hunter: Why would you do that to your Lambo?

Captain Brien: The guy that was the Uber driver was like alright. He’s getting a freaking Lambo.

Amy Hunter: That’s so funny. That’s good. I really need to look that up.

Captain Brien: It’s a good move.

Amy Hunter: Is it in town?

Amy Hunter: Cause I need to get up on that.

Captain Brien: No, no. It’s definitely not right here.

Amy Hunter: I’ll Uber everywhere just to maybe get the Lambo.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. No, no, no, it’s not. But you could go to Full Throttle Exotics. My buddy, Joe, will hook you up. You could get a Lambo anytime. On my budget, I am totally set for a Lambo. It’s a very practical car for children and car seats.

Captain Brien: Hey Kelsey, what’s going on?

Amy Hunter: Hi, how are you?

Captain Brien: Kelsey’s my box office manager. She’s saying hello to us.

Amy Hunter: Hi, and Marie.

Captain Brien: And Marie. Yes, yes.

Amy Hunter: Hey girl, hey.

Captain Brien: So we’re in Naples, Florida. We’re getting ready for Wednesday night’s show.

Amy Hunter: So excited.

Captain Brien: What time’s the show? 7 o’clock?

Amy Hunter: 7 o’clock.

Captain Brien: Who’s on the show?

Amy Hunter: I have four other amazing comics coming in.

Captain Brien: I should know this, why am I asking you?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you really should know this.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible.

Amy Hunter: I have Shannon Kelly from I think Tampa, and Aneeria’s coming in from Tampa, Neera Tourney. Who else is?

Captain Brien: Is Marie Annette on this one?

Amy Hunter: No, Marie Annette decided not to do this one cause she has a show up in Fort Myers going on.

Amy Hunter: Okay, good.

Amy Hunter: Who else was it? Oh my god, I’m forgetting. Nancy Francis.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, Nancy’s very funny.

Amy Hunter: Right, and I had to get her out of hiding to come back and do this show. She actually just auditioned for America’s Got Talent. So we’re waiting to hear.

Captain Brien: Good for her, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: She’ll know by Wednesday.

Captain Brien: That’s great, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m forgetting someone really good and I’m totally pissed–

Captain Brien: There is one more coming.

Amy Hunter: Cause she really made me laugh.

Captain Brien: And you host it.

Amy Hunter: I am hosting.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m doing the top end. It’s a great show.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: It’s just a really good vibe. It’s loose. It ends up being like a high school reunion of sorts. It’s like Amy, this is your life. Everybody comes out of the woodwork, and I love that. The only funny thing for me is every time I do a show with my hometown crowd, most comics take their set and they work on it for years. They take the same set, they work on it for years, and I can’t do the same set for a hometown crowd. So, it’s always a whole new thing.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: Some people don’t come thinking I’m doing the same set, and that’s not true. It’s always good.

Captain Brien: Well no, because this is about the couples, right?

Amy Hunter: Right. This is about marriage, relationships, it’s about lots of stuff. Parenting, family, being a gal. We could bitch about so much. A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking when I was on my way here, about how if a white girl had a signature drink, you know what it would be.

Captain Brien: What would it be?

Amy Hunter: It would be a vodka soda water.

Captain Brien: Yeah because there’s no cals, no calories.

Amy Hunter: Right, bartenders see me coming and they’re already pouring. It’s either that or a white claw. That’s our signature drink.

Captain Brien: Now you could drink Captain Brien’s because it’s sugar free.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited about the Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

Amy Hunter: Vodka and rum.

Captain Brien: And I have a white rum coming as well.

Amy Hunter: Now what’s the difference in taste between a white and a dark rum? Is there a difference?

Captain Brien: Yeah, well the dark rum that we have is barrel-aged and we infuse it with vanilla beans and tobacco leaves.

Amy Hunter: Ew.

Captain Brien: That has a little bit darker, more rich flavor. Especially smokey from the barrels, because the barrels are bourbon barrels.

Amy Hunter: This is all in my wheelhouse.

Captain Brien: Then the white is just really clean, organic, white rum that comes out with the gin. I have a gin, but I couldn’t do anything for like six weeks because of the government shutdown. It’s been in the system just pending. It just keeps saying still pending, still pending, still pending.

Amy Hunter: That was a messy 35 days. Everyone’s fine with it until it messes up your air travel.

Captain Brien: I heard today six billion dollars lost in the economy.

Amy Hunter: Yeah lost, you know that makes sense.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: That’s exactly the wall money.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Can we just slip it over there, there we go.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you know, it’s a pissing contest, gotta love it.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: The fact that it upset your apple cart–

Amy Hunter: That makes me really mad.

Captain Brien: I can’t do anything because everyday it just says–

Amy Hunter: Waiting, waiting.

Captain Brien: pending, pending, pending.

Amy Hunter: Now it’s over and you’ve got three weeks to get your shit together before it comes again.

Captain Brien: I heard that they’re six months behind now.

Captain Brien: Which is weird. How can you be six weeks of work and that puts you six months behind?

Amy Hunter: Bad logged, I don’t know how that works but someone’s doing a slow thing at their job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Amy Hunter: You’re talking about with your booze.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’re saying that the approvals.

Amy Hunter: Oh, they’re talking about federal government approvals?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Well you knew how the federal government works. This surprises you?

Captain Brien: Yeah because the ATF, the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has to give the final signature sign off–

Amy Hunter: Makes sense.

Captain Brien: On the product before they put it on the shelf.

Amy Hunter: I worked for the government at one point.

Captain Brien: You did?

Amy Hunter: I worked for DCF.

Captain Brien: What’d you do? Oh, DCF.

Amy Hunter: Mhmm, and they are slow.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are.

Amy Hunter: Everything is very slow. You’re watching the wheels just spin, like a gerbil, on them. It was not a good job.

Captain Brien: You can’t fire it up, speed up? How do you not speed things up? I just don’t understand.

Amy Hunter: I couldn’t personally do it.

Captain Brien: Why?

Amy Hunter: I had 60 to 75 kids on my caseload at any one given time.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Right, and that’s everyone in the system, and I was in foster care so I had to go and make sure they were okay. Well let’s say driving time and visit time takes you an hour per kid. Working a full work week of 40 hours a week, you do the math. Can’t get to everyone.

Captain Brien: So what happens?

Amy Hunter: They fall through the cracks.

Captain Brien: They do?

Amy Hunter: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s so sad though.

Amy Hunter: It was a very sad job, and I didn’t have children yet. I would get in my office and cry. My boss would come and knock on the–

Captain Brien: Are they pushing though? Are they really pushing or are they chill?

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how the system is now.

Captain Brien: How were they? Were they like we gotta do this today?

Amy Hunter: There are state mandated things. If a kid’s in a certain status you have to go see them at this time. Cause they are the most threatened, the most in a situation that’s terrible. But there’s so many fake calls like divorce proceedings and people are like oh I found a bruise on my kid’s bottom. Come on, that’s not a real thing. Stop fighting and get your shit together.

Captain Brien: So then you’d have to go.

Amy Hunter: And make it through the whole system when it’s not a huge, real problem. Does the kid have welts on his face? Have you lit him on fire?

Amy Hunter: There were kids that were really messed up.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: It was a terrible, terrible time.

Captain Brien: That’s so sad, that is sad.

Amy Hunter: All I ever wanted to do work with students. I was like how did I get here.

Captain Brien: So you studied what in college?

Amy Hunter: I was secondary english education major.

Captain Brien: I have no idea what that means.

Amy Hunter: That means I can teach school. In a high school or a middle school level.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: I can do nothing else. I also know the proper way to conjugate the word there.

Captain Brien: Wait you can’t do anything else because?

Amy Hunter: I’m just kidding.

Captain Brien: I don’t, I don’t. I’m very bad at that. There, they’re, what else is there?

Amy Hunter: To, too, and two.

Captain Brien: Terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at those.

Amy Hunter: I think most people walking around are terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I think so too but everyone wants to point it out.

Amy Hunter: Especially on the internet.

Captain Brien: They so do.

Amy Hunter: Cause if you say something stupid on the internet I’ll just come in and go there.

Captain Brien: Well that’s me. I do it probably half the time. But you know what, I don’t point out what you do everyday.

Captain Brien: For real.

Amy Hunter: It’s so easy though. It’s like the ultimate shutdown. I think that forever people have been screwing up those conjugations, but because now everyone’s typing on the internet, you’re just seeing it now. I don’t think this is new.

Captain Brien: When you dictate it, is it right?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: When you text to talk?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: I just go with it.

Amy Hunter: I don’t use text to talk a lot.

Captain Brien: You don’t?

Amy Hunter: No because then I’m asking my husband to pick up milk and now it’s asking him to pick up a stripper and it’s very convoluted. He thinks he needs a breastfeeding mother at home. He’s like milk from a boobie?

Captain Brien: What is this?

Captain Brien: Milk in a movie, you’re like hey!

Amy Hunter: Most problems in any relationship are due to bad communication. You misunderstood what they meant.

Captain Brien: When you get home, do you talk about the whole day?

Amy Hunter: My husband and I? We take a 20 minute, we attempt.

Captain Brien: Wait, you literally have times?

Amy Hunter: No. We try.

Captain Brien: Really?

Amy Hunter: Then the kids are like Daddy, Daddy.

Captain Brien: I wondered why I failed.

Amy Hunter: He’s like can I just have a minute with Mom?

Amy Hunter: Well we actually kind of sometimes like each other, you know what I’m saying?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Believe you me, there are sometimes that he looks at me with disdain.

Amy Hunter: He’s just like mhmm, yeah, okay, great day. I was telling him the other day about going to the auto parts store and he was like really?

Captain Brien: What’d you go to the auto parts store for?

Amy Hunter: This is funny. So I needed new windshield wipers, but of course like a normal woman I waited until it was pissing raining to actually go.

Captain Brien: Of course and you’re like damn I can’t see.

Amy Hunter: Everyday I’m like I need new windshield wipers. Then it’s torrential downpour and I’m like oh, shit.

Amy Hunter: Shit just got real. I go to the advanced auto parts store. I get in there, and I am a moron in there. I don’t know what I’m doing. For men it’s like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was like a scene from Clerks. This guy’s behind the counter, it’s all dusty and gross, I had just come from the gym. I’m like hi, I need new windshield wipers. He’s like okay. I’m like when it goes upward you can’t see. He’s like yeah I’m not a doctor.

Amy Hunter: He’s like what kind of car, I tell him. He’s like what’s the make, what’s the model, what’s the year? I’m like I don’t know the year. He’s like really? I had to go run out in the rain, come back in, whole deal.

Captain Brien: Wait, you did it?

Amy Hunter: I had to go out and find out.

Captain Brien: You had to read the VIN number?

Amy Hunter: No, I just looked at my insurance thing.

Captain Brien: Oh okay.

Amy Hunter: So I get back in and he looks it up. I’m like you don’t just know this by heart? This is all you do. So now I’m judging him, he’s upset.

Captain Brien: Of course, right away.

Amy Hunter: Right away, bam.

Captain Brien: You’re not confrontational though.

Amy Hunter: No, I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien:No, you’re not argumentative.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.

Captain Brien: No, no this is him, he should’ve totally known every make and model.

Amy Hunter: No smile, no smile, and I’m all doo, doo doo. So he goes okay, they’re size 26 and a size 18. He goes you know, they’re not the same size. I’m like oh like boobs. Just like that. This poor guy. He keeps having a #metoo moment. I literally sexually harassed him in the workplace.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you did.

Amy Hunter: He had this face on that was like either this is an episode of Undercover Boss–

Captain Brien: Right. I’m not supposed to say a damn thing.

Amy Hunter: He didn’t say a damn thing. I was like I’m sorry I made it awkward. I’m just gonna go over here and get my windshield wipers and get outta here.

Captain Brien:He didn’t put them on.

Amy Hunter: Well that’s the other thing. There are signs everywhere that says free installation, free installation, free installation.

Captain Brien: Right, but he didn’t offer.

Amy Hunter: He did not offer and I’m standing there and I’m like hey how do I put these on in the store.

Captain Brien: Oh get outta here!

Amy Hunter: Because I really was gonna do it myself and he’s like well, I guess I can do it. I’m like it is raining, I get it. So he comes out, starts doing it, and he wants to get away from me as fast as possible. He is over me. I got my umbrella and I put it over his head and he was surprised that I’m actually nice. I’m like but you have to work all day. I’m not gonna make you be all wet. I can go home and change. He’s like that was actually very nice. I’m like I swear I’m not a sexual predator.

Captain Brien: Boobs are uneven. They’re not the same size.

Captain Brien: This is true. So wait, there’s two separate sizes?

Amy Hunter: Mm, usually left is bigger.

Captain Brien: No not the boobs the windshield wipers!

Amy Hunter: Yes, of course! Put your windshield wipers up, they’re different sizes, it depends on the car.

Captain Brien: Why is the left bigger than the right?

Amy Hunter: In general on boobs?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Cause it’s over your heart.

Captain Brien: Awh.

Amy Hunter: And most people are righties. So you’re using this muscle more. I might be wrong on that part.

Captain Brien: I think you made that up.

Amy Hunter: I think the heart thing’s right.

Amy Hunter: Cause we talked about this.

Captain Brien: Well we learned something new today, guys. See on The Captain’s Log, its amazing.

Amy Hunter: I wanna hear what y’all say. Is it just my boobs? Cause if it’s my boobs I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, your left is bigger than the right.

Amy Hunter: I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien: Not at all.

Amy Hunter: I’m just proving I’m not right now.

Captain Brien: What do you do just pull the strap up more on the right?

Amy Hunter: No, just one hangs out a little bit more.

Captain Brien: Oh, alright.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: That would be a great business. A bra that you can have two separate size cups.

Captain Brien: It could be a little dialer. You could dial it.

Amy Hunter: Such a man thing.

Captain Brien: You know how they dial it?

Amy Hunter: Like a Nike pump shoe?

Captain Brien: Yeah, when you dial it could get smaller and you could dial and open it up. Then you just put it right on.

Amy Hunter: Would you have a dial where your nipple is?

Captain Brien: No they could be two pieces of material and they dial like this, like that.

Amy Hunter: Such a man. Oh my god, I love you, B, but–

Captain Brien: Like this and like that.

Amy Hunter: Like this? Do you mean in the middle like a dial?

Captain Brien: No, on the cup.

Amy Hunter: You tell me when this comes out, ill try it.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna come up with it.

Amy Hunter: You show me when.

Captain Brien: It’s a million dollar idea. I’m giving it away. It’s freaking ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Everyone’s gonna copy it.

Amy Hunter: I told you that I had a great idea for a bra. It was called the Brocket, and it has a pocket in there for your phone. Someone already made it, but it’s not called the Brocket. That’s on me. I’m told I’m not supposed to put my phone in my bra. Its like bad for boobs.

Captain Brien: Did you get royalties on the Brocket?

Amy Hunter: I did not. Someone had already made it.

Captain Brien: Oh, dammit.

Amy Hunter: I know, I was really pissed.

Captain Brien: You got a little late to the party.

Amy Hunter: I started doing my due diligence. Looking it up, patenting the whole thing, trademark, and it was already there.

Captain Brien: Damn.

Amy Hunter: But they’re probably getting sued cause bras and phones don’t mix.

Captain Brien: What happens if you get one of those phones that overheats? Burns you right the hell off. Gone.

Amy Hunter: Dude. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

Captain Brien: That’s it.

Amy Hunter: Fire nipple, no. I’m good. I already have enough things. I don’t need that.

Captain Brien: It’s like hot milk.

Captain Brien: Hot boob?

Captain Brien: Hot milk. Hot milk. I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Alright, guys. We gotta go.

Amy Hunter: Brien’s killing me. It just got a little real.

Captain Brien: We gotta get outta here. See you later.

Amy Hunter: Bye, see you on Wednesday!

Captain Brien: Watch us tomorrow, come see Amy-

Captain Brien: Out the Hook, Wednesday, later.

S2:E6 The Captain’s Log with Special Guest Daniel Dragan!

Help us clean our beaches and keep them on the list of best in the world! Guest today Daniel Dragan has started a new organization that has big goals to stay clean!

Watch full video here ————–> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOeDpSAg5XU

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Daniel Dragen out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back guys, I missed you for a few days. We’re back with the Captain’s Log. My guest today, Daniel Dragon. Cleanourworld.org?

Daniel Dragon: .org, yes.

Captain Brien: .org. That’s interesting.

Captain Brien: Morning. I love it, I love it. So, is this a clean world outfit? What’re you wearing?

Daniel Dragon: This outfit is just related to the weather this morning, Brien.

Captain Brien: It’s so cold in Florida, right?

Daniel Dragon: It’s only 46.

Captain Brien: Yeah I woke up this morning early and a took a, I got on my bike and then I went back in the house and I got my winter coat on, ’cause it was so damn cold.

Daniel Dragon: Out of curiosity I was looking at the warmest places in Antarctica, it’s 68.

Captain Brien: Really?

Daniel Dragon: For real.

Captain Brien: Today?

Daniel Dragon: Not today.

Captain Brien: Ah.

Daniel Dragon: But that’s the record in Antarctica.

Captain Brien: Wow!

Daniel Dragon: So, thanks for having me.

Captain Brien: Yeah of course, of course.

Daniel Dragon: On the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: I am always interested.

Captain Brien: I try to do a lot of things with, with as you know I am a commercial fisherman. I haven’t been commercial fishing for a long time but, I do love the environment, I love the commercial fishing industry and obviously the beaches and everything that our ecosystem has here in southwest Florida, with the 10,000 islands and all the beautiful beaches in Naples. And your goal, it’s a new organization, yes?

Daniel Dragon: Yes, ah, my friends and I got together and we decided we want to help. I know there are a lot of organizations that help in cleaning the environment.

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: But we live here, we love this place.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: For a reason, we’re by the beach, so, and we have these beaches as the top 10 beaches in the world.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: So, we wanna keep it that way. Therefore, we want to get together and bring in as many people as we can to help clean the beaches.

Captain Brien: And you, obviously judging by the accent and the clothing, you’re not from Florida.

Daniel Dragon: I have been here for 16 years now.

Captain Brien: Okay good, you have been here a long time. I have been here 21.

Daniel Dragon: I wanted to make a comment on, it’s really been an honor to be on your log. Because you have famous people here normally and funny people, I’m not that funny. Only my wife thinks I’m hilarious.

Captain Brien: She does, well that’s good because that’s a good start. At least somebody does, usually the wife thinks you’re the least funniest.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah and to tie that in with where I’m from. Our first date, my wife and I, asked me, “What’s up with his accent?” I said, “What accent?”

Captain Brien: It’s fake.

Daniel Dragon: It’s not an accent.

Daniel Dragon: You know, when was young, I had a speech impediment.

Captain Brien: Oh

Daniel Dragon: I was speaking Romanian.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I’m still recovering from that.

Captain Brien: I like it, I like it. So she thought that was hilarious.

Captain Brien: That was good, that was good.

Daniel Dragon: So, yeah, I have been here for quite a bit. I do love this area and the beaches here.

Captain Brien: So what got you into the idea that you wanted to start a new, you’re shooting for the goal of a 501C3.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: I’ve been through the steps myself. So it does take quite a while. How long did you start the organization? How long has it been?

Daniel Dragon: It’s been a couple of months.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: And it started off with a concert I went to where after the concert people started picking up after themselves. There were golf carts that came in and dropped trash bags and everybody started picking up the trash.

Captain Brien: Oh that’s nice, on the beach?

Daniel Dragon: That was not on the beach.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: That was at a concert.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, like it was festival.

Daniel Dragon: Correct and I loved it, I loved the idea so much. Everybody was participating and I said, “We should always do that.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: Why don’t we always to that everywhere we go. Pick up after ourselves.

Captain Brien: I have a little superstition, so my grandfather always used to say, I fish a lot and he used to take me fishing. So he’d say, “You always have to leave the place that you’re fishing cleaner than when you got there.” Not only do you not leave anything behind, you have to pick up what’s there.

Daniel Dragon: I agree.

Captain Brien: Because you use the environment, you use the fishing. You enjoyed everything.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: So clean it up so the next person can even if you didn’t make the mess so I do. So I really do believe in that. And I just think that with Naples, Florida, we have some of the top beaches in the world. What’s the guy, Dr. Beach, he give us the top 10, right?

Daniel Dragon: Right, yep.

Captain Brien: We got the top 10 beach.

Daniel Dragon: We’re proud of that, we want to keep it.

Captain Brien: It’s beautiful, we wanna keep it clean and I think that more organizations that doing that, the better. There’s never enough, there’s always, you’re always looking I’m sure for volunteers to meet up. So, when you do you guys do it and how can people follow you and meet up and start participating in your organization?

Daniel Dragon: Sorry, I was looking down, I was trying to–

Captain Brien: That’s okay, that’s okay.

Daniel Dragon: Captain’s Log profile.

Captain Brien: No one was yelling at you, they were yelling at me.

Daniel Dragon: We are, you can find us on Facebook.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Look up cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: Or online, just type in cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: And follow the events. This is the first event we have and it’s this weekend. Saturday.

Captain Brien: And where do they meet up?

Daniel Dragon: We have four meet up points or check in locations.

Daniel Dragon:  We’re also provide–

Captain Brien: Hey Rainy, how are you?

Daniel Dragon: We’ll also provide free supplies, we will bring the bags. We’ll bring the gloves.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Even sunscreen and water.

Captain Brien: Okay

Daniel Dragon: For the volunteers, we do need more volunteers.

Captain Brien: So who’s providing, who gave you the money to start with the bags and the screen and how did you raise that those funds?

Daniel Dragon: We started, first I went through all my friends and their businesses.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I asked them if they wanna be sponsors. We do have a few sponsors at this point. We have EcoGreen cleaning solutions.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Daniel Dragon: They help with some of the supplies. And Village Home and Office Care. They’re very happy to help with covering some of these cost.

Captain Brien: Right.

Daniel Dragon: And let’s not forget Naples FL Taxi. He’s my favorite

Daniel Dragon: Oh that’s great. taxi guy in Florida, in Naples. So, we

Captain Brien: And how many people in your organization now, that are gonna be there on Saturday? What’s your estimate, so you have four locations. You have gotta have four people, at least?

Daniel Dragon: We have four people. That’s me, my wife, my step-son and a friend of ours.

Captain Brien: Okay and each one’s gonna be at each location.

Daniel Dragon: Correct, the locations are Fort Myers Beach.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: It’ll be beach access 33, which is south of Lani Kai.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Second one is Bonita Beach Park. Easy to find on Google Maps.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: The next one is Vanderbilt and Lowdermilk in Naples.

Captain Brien: Okay so they’ll meet there at what time?

Daniel Dragon: Eight o’clock.

Captain Brien: Eight o’clock on Saturday.

Daniel Dragon: And we plan from eight to 10 to pick up what we can find. At 10 we will start gathering all the trash bags together.

Captain Brien: Saturday the 20th?

Captain Brien: Saturday the 19th.

Captain Brien: The 19th, okay.

Captain Brien: Eight a.m.

Captain Brien: On the 19th at eight a.m.

Daniel Dragon: So eight a.m. to 10 a.m., at 10:30 we’ll leave and maybe meet up for breakfast somewhere.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: I do have all the details on the Facebook event. So look up for Beach Clean Up Southwest Florida.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: Our goal is to get this to become contagious.

Captain Brien: Absolutely, how often do you plan on doing the beach clean up?

Daniel Dragon: At least once a quarter, probably more, hopefully. But we wanna do, we start with the beach because it’s easy and fun for everyone and we’ll get involved in cleaning some other neighborhoods.

Captain Brien: You have a little cleaning device?

Daniel Dragon: Yes, well, I am a big proponent of concealed carry of a trash picker upper. Hold on I don’t know if you can see here, there you go.

Captain Brien: You gotta get it going.

Daniel Dragon: There you go

Captain Brien: Has that one actually been used yet?

Daniel Dragon: No, not yet.

Captain Brien: Not yet, that’s a clean one.

Daniel Dragon: It’s a clean one, it’s fresh.

Captain Brien: Alright, alright, that’s good.

Daniel Dragon: We have some to provide for those who can’t.

Captain Brien: That’s great. And those were donated by the first few sponsors that you already mentioned, that’s great.

Daniel Dragon: Correct, they helped in with the costs. So thank you sponsors for that. And if anybody else wants to get involved if you cannot clean but wanna be involved, please be a sponsor.

Captain Brien: And you’re going to also, not only do we want sponsors but we’re looking for volunteers.

Daniel Dragon: Correct.

Captain Brien: So after this post, when I put it up, you’ll be able to comment below and put the link on it where they can find you.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: And they can also, if they have questions, they can DM me and I can put them in touch with you. So you’re all hooked up, that’s great.

Daniel Dragon: As a thank you for all the volunteers that will come in, most locations, we’ve already figured out how to provide free parking.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: ‘Cause at the beach sometimes.

Captain Brien: Yeah absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: It’s problematic.

Captain Brien: Wait, how’d you do that? ‘Cause I wanna do that for my next event.

Daniel Dragon: Okay.

Captain Brien: My next event is just me going to the beach. So how do I do that?

Daniel Dragon: Well right now, I’ll tell you.

Captain Brien: What’s the secret?

Daniel Dragon: Big shout out to Lani Kai from Fort Meyers Beach, they provide some free parking spots.

Captain Brien: Yup.

Daniel Dragon: Right across the street there’s Norm’s Parking and right next to Lonnie Kai, Dave’s parking. They also provided.

Captain Brien: Dave’s parking?

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, I think it’s called Dave’s Sunset something.

Captain Brien: Is that Dave or Wave?

Daniel Dragon: Dave.

Captain Brien: Okay, I wasn’t sure.

Daniel Dragon: It’s the accent.

Captain Brien: It is, it’s definitely the accent, but it’s sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I mean that’s a chick magnet, right?

Daniel Dragon: Well it worked, I’m married.

Captain Brien: There you go, you got a real magnet. You got magnet, lock and key, all from the accent.

Daniel Dragon: Many other locations have provided or offered to provide free parking, all they want to identify the people that show up as volunteers to have this flyer printed and put it on the dashboard.

Captain Brien: Yep.

Daniel Dragon: And I’m gonna link this. it’s already linked on the event page.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Daniel Dragon: On Facebook.

Captain Brien: We can post it, you can also just post that in the comments as an image.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: And then they can click on it and print it out.

Daniel Dragon: So with that, most locations will allow for free parking.

Captain Brien: So how many people do you have signed up so far? How many do you need?

Daniel Dragon: So far, we have 150 signed up.

Captain Brien: 150!

Daniel Dragon: However,

Captain Brien: That’s impressive!

Daniel Dragon:They’re interested but not everyone said they’re going.

Captain Brien: Yeah, how many are going? They better be going, everyone’s interested.

Daniel Dragon: 50 said they’re going.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Daniel Dragon: We need more than 50.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Daniel Dragon: And we hope to turn those interested in going.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Daniel Dragon: It’s gonna be fun, it’s a good cause and might as well make it a beach day.

Captain Brien: What’s the temperature gonna be?

Daniel Dragon: I saw it’s gonna be about 81.

Captain Brien: Ah so you can wear your bikini and get a tan.

Daniel Dragon: So that’s the high on Saturday.

Captain Brien: Yeah and it’s beautiful.

Daniel Dragon: Much better than today.

Captain Brien: Today is a little chilly.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, we’re excited, let me see if I forget something.

Captain Brien: What’s the website so the people know where to find you.

Daniel Dragon: It’s easy, it’s cleanourworld.org.

Captain Brien: It’s a good website.

Daniel Dragon: Yep.

Captain Brien: That’s a good website.

Daniel Dragon: So.

Captain Brien: Good domain name.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah I dabble a little bit in marketing.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay, what’s your full time business?

Daniel Dragon: I’m an insurance guy. I provide low cost insurance for the rest of us.

Captain Brien: For healthcare or?

Daniel Dragon: All types of insurance, like people insurance. Not objects, so I don’t insure cars or homes.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Daniel Dragon: It’s life, health, disability, cancer insurance.

Captain Brien: Oh great.

Daniel Dragon: Medicare and a few others.

Captain Brien: You’re in the right area.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah and it’s been doing great and now with some free time on my hands I’d like to help the environment.

Captain Brien: So somebody is doing all the paperwork now for the 501C3?

Daniel Dragon: Correct.

Captain Brien: Are you doing that yourself or do you need somebody? ‘Cause I have somebody who does that and they really streamline it for you.

Daniel Dragon: I’ll take any help I can get.

Captain Brien: Okay, I have to figure out where in my contacts they are but I know I have somebody that does that.

Daniel Dragon: That’s awesome.

Captain Brien: And they were very good, I did it to 501C3 and it worked out well.

Daniel Dragon: Introduce me.

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah they were good, they walked me right through it. ‘Cause it’s a lot of red tape, right?

Daniel Dragon: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s hard.

Daniel Dragon: Yes.

Captain Brien: Some organizations spend all of their money tryin’ to become a 501C3 and they never even make it.

Daniel Dragon: Tryin’ to navigate through that right now. And it’s you know, we’re getting some head way. But we still some bumps in the road.

Captain Brien: Alright, great, well anything else you wanna tell our viewers before we call it a day here on the Captain’s Log.

Daniel Dragon: Yeah, just, I invite everyone just bring your friends, bring your coworkers.

Captain Brien: They can bring their friends and their coworkers.

Daniel Dragon: And their friends and–

Captain Brien: Bring your wives, bring your girlfriends, who else?

Daniel Dragon: And their grandmas.

Captain Brien: And their grandmas, anybody who can walk and clean.

Daniel Dragon: Whoever cannot lean down to pick up, we have these.

Captain Brien: Yes. We have it all. Well no, I appreciate your time Daniel, and Dragon. That’s not a great last name, huh, no one loves that one. Daniel Dragon is my guest on the Caption’s Log

Daniel Dragon: Thank you.

Captain Brien: We had a good time today, we talked about all your positive vibes going down the beach, cleaning ’em up. And I wish you luck man, I really hope, we’re gonna push this out there and make sure that everyone comes out on Saturday, let’s shoot for 150 people.

Daniel Dragon: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Alright buddy, thanks man.

Daniel Dragon: Thank you so much.

Captain Brien: Appreciate you joining me on the Captain’s Blog. Hey guys, don’t forget to like and share the podcast. We’re on every week, this is season two 2019. And we’re gonna turn it up this year, be good. I’ll talk to you soon, see you tomorrow. By the way tomorrow, Vickie Barballo, oh my goodness. That’s a great show, don’t miss it.

S2:E5 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Joe List and Captain Brien!

Come join Captain Brien and Joe List on this super funny adventure!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Joe List out and send him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: What’s goin’ on? This is the Captains Log. Comedian Joe List, what’s up buddy?

Joe List: Not too much.

Captain Brien: This is your first appearance.

Joe List: I know, this is terrifying. By the way, this is like a great camera shot. You were pulling back, so like, it’s like the background is changing.

Joe List: Happy to be here. This is exciting.

Captain Brien: Thanks man.

Joe List: I’ve never done anything in a car before, other than sex, yeah.

Captain Brien: This is your first? A lot of sex in the car?

Joe List: Uh, I wouldn’t say a lot, but you know, twice–

Captain Brien: You keep it real.

Joe List: Yeah, my aunt was a spicy lady.

Captain Brien: Oh, not in the marriage though, I bet. That’s probably not car sex material.

Joe List: No, we don’t even have a car,

Joe List: so we’d have to rent a car.

Captain Brien: Or sex.

Joe List: Yeah, I’d have to rent the sex also.

Joe List: Alright, I’m tryin’ to find myself.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna pop up here in a minute so you can share it. We’re live with Joe List, he’s gonna be at Off The Hook, go ahead, he’s probably live now, and it’s gonna be all weekend. Thursday, which is tonight, there’s gonna be a show at seven, and seven to nine all weekend, all the way through Sunday.

Joe List: I can’t wait.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a good time, and this is your second time here, but, my goodness, you were a rookie when you came last.

Joe List: Yeah, well, I mean I was a veteran, but it feels, I’ve been doing comedy so long. I started in comedy when I was nine years old. I’m 30 years in here.

Captain Brien: What were you telling, Jack and Jill jokes?

Joe List: Yeah, that was

Joe List: It was Jack and Jill have sex in a car. Yeah, I was here in Summer, maybe May of ’09.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Joe List: I was opening for Nick Di Paolo, and that was when the club was in Marco Island, or on Marco Island, whatever you say.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: And we stayed at like a resort. I dunno if you remember.

Captain Brien: You did.

Joe List: You put us in this crazy resort.

Captain Brien: It was a good deal.

Joe List: It was unbelievable, I mean, for me–

Captain Brien: You should have paid me for that.

Joe List: It was pretty unbelievable.

Joe List: It was like the nicest place. I still have photos somewhere, on Facebook I think.

Captain Brien: They’ve actually redid that resort, and they spend like 100 million dollars to make it even better.

Joe List: Oh wow.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, I know. Now it’s a JW Marriott. Before it was the Marco Island Marriott, and they say it’s one of the busiest Marriott’s in the world. They stay like, 99% occupied, year round.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And enough about them, ’cause they don’t, they don’t sponsor this show.

Joe List: Yeah

Captain Brien: The hell with them.

Joe List: No, I hope they all die.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, exactly.

Joe List: I shouldn’t say that. This is going out live. I can’t even edit this.

Captain Brien: We are live. You can’t.

Joe List: Oh geez.

Joe List: I don’t hope anyone dies. I want everyone to be great and fine.

Captain Brien: Did you get to share it?

Joe List: I did, I’m shared.

Captain Brien: You are shared

Joe List: So what does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.

Captain Brien: That means that your people right now, if they’re on there watching, which they will be, and maybe they’re, you know, scrolling through, they can say hi. If you guys are watching, tell us hello, what city you’re in. I’ll even give you tickets to tonight’s show. Can I give ’em some tickets?

Joe List: Yeah, please. This is gonna be depressing though if no one writes,

Joe List: “Hey, I’m a fan of Joe.”

Captain Brien: Hey, stay tuned. You never know, I mean, they could be watching on their phone at work, and they don’t wanna get busted.

Joe List: I hope so, yeah.

Captain Brien: They just sneak peeks. But yeah, I mean like, 180 thousand people a week watch.

Captain Brien: Wow. Between all the shows, I’m on every day.

Joe List: 180 thousand.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s good.

Joe List: Yeah, that’s great.

Captain Brien: It’s been steady, so we’re havin’ fun.

Joe List: I’m happy to be here. I hope I get those kinda numbers.

Captain Brien: You brought your wife.

Joe List: I did, my wife is here. Come on out Sarah.

Captain Brien: No, she’s not here now.

Joe List: No, she’s at home, sleeping. She’s in the hotel sleeping.

Captain Brien: Do you have any kids?

Joe List: She came along. No kids.

Captain Brien: No kids?

Joe List: Sex, no kids. Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Wow, that guy just blew his airhorn.

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Ace is the place, the helpful place, and apparently he’s helping that guy put his car in gear.

Joe List: Yeah, look up from his texts. But yeah, my wife is here. She’s in bed right now, but she’s hilarious. I don’t think she’s ever been here either, to Naples.

Captain Brien: No? This is her first?

Joe List: First time, yeah. We do Key West every year, but this is our first time–

Captain Brien: So, there is a club down in Key West, right?

Joe List: It’s not a club, uh, I guess it’s a club. My friend would be mad if he heard me say that. It’s a bar, show, but they’re kinda makin’ it a club.,

Captain Brien: Yeah, but it’s only been-a goin’ for a couple of years, right?

Joe List: Yeah, a little bit.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they actually contacted me and I said I wasn’t gonna do it.

Joe List: Oh, really?

Captain Brien: It was too much for me.

Joe List: Yeah, it’s a lot, I mean it’s a strange place, and it’s hard to get to. It’s a weird island, but it’s a fun place. You can walk around naked, they have a–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like the Garden of Eden. Did you go up there?

Joe List: Garden of Eden? I’ve been there a few times. Well last time–

Captain Brien: Did you pull out the whole junk?

Joe List: When I went years ago, in my drinking day, I don’t drink anymore. I’m old and I’m gay now, but uh–

Captain Brien: Do you know Gary da Silva? He’s in Billerica, Mas.

Joe List: I know Gary da Silva!

Captain Brien: What’s up buddy!

Joe List: Gary’s a firefighter. I’ve known Gary for 20 years. More than 20 years.

Captain Brien: Well we’re giving you a little shout out right there. Put out all those good fires and be safe Gary.

Joe List: Yeah, Gary, come down to Naples, right now, immediately. We got a show tonight.

Captain Brien: Yeah, support the show. Buy a ticket, he said.

Joe List: Hope that’s the right Gary though. Be bad if it was–

Captain Brien: Nah, Gary de Silva, it’s your boy.

Joe List: Yeah, that is my boy.

Captain Brien: He loves you.

Joe List: That’s nice. That’s who I get. I don’t get fans, I just get people I grew up with.

Joe List: But anyway, I don’t even know what I was sayin’ now.

Captain Brien:- Me neither. Do you have ADD? ‘Cause I do.

Joe List: Well I think we all do now with the phones. Forget  about it.

Captain Brien: Is it the phone keepin’ you busy?

Joe List: It’s all I do. I just look at the phone and that’s it.

Captain Brien: And you forget it, like what’s goin’ on.

Joe List: A lot of times. I’ve gotten better, but I think I’m better than most. When I’m with people, I’m great. When I’m by myself on the road, I do a lot of looking at the phone. It’s the situation.

Captain Brien: I do too, and when I look at the phone though, sometimes I can’t hear anybody else, just the phone.

Joe List: Oh yeah, totally. You’re immersed.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: Against the whole world. Part of me, some of it’s great. You can learn, like a lot of times I’m not just looking, scrolling through social media, I’m reading shit.

Captain Brien: I do the same thing. I hate reading novels, but I’m definitely learning like, what’s going on in the world or what’s trending.

Joe List: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s trending on Instagram.

Joe List: Yeah, you’re obviously very savvy.

Captain Brien: That’s very important!

Joe List: That’s important stuff. No, I do well, I’ll read. But this is what I do now. Now I’ll watch a movie and like, three minutes in, I’m like, “I’m gonna look up the director. “I’m gonna find out where the director grew up.”, and then I’m like, I can’t even watch the movie. I keep pausing, I’m like, “Let me see “if she’s ever been naked in anything.”

Captain Brien: What about the documentaries? Those kill me, ’cause I’m like, “Now I gotta Google what’s going on “with this guy’s life before it ends.”

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: And I’m the middle, I’m like, “Ah, I already know this guy’s made it “or it’s a bust.”

Joe List: Right. By the way, this guy just wrote in that I was saying I’m old and gay. Now I remember it. We were talking about Key West. About goin’ to Garden of Eden, and I used to get naked there, but now, in sobriety and older age, I don’t get so naked.

Captain Brien: And you can’t bring out your phone at the Garden of Eden, right? They don’t let you.

Joe List: Yeah, not allowed to.

Captain Brien: Right away, they get on top of you for that. It’s frowned upon.

Joe List: When I first went there, I was like so excited, ’cause I was 23 or 24, and I was like, “I’m gonna go see some naked people.” But the people that get naked at Garden of Eden, are 125 years old.

Captain Brien: It’s not the same. It’s not the same caliber.

Joe List: Yeah, not like beautiful women walkin’ around topless. You’re gonna see an old pud.

Captain Brien: Now there is some naked resorts across the world, like in Ibiza and stuff where there’s some very attractive naked people, but the Garden of Eden seems to attract not the finest, not 10’s.

Joe List: Yeah, no.

Captain Brien: There could be some good sevens.

Joe List: It’s not a hot spot. I think maybe you get a visitor or something like that, but I think it’s also, ends up being mostly dudes that think they’re gonna go see a hot woman.

Captain Brien: A bunch of naked chicks.

Joe List: So you’ve got like 11 naked guys and a few people in their pants, goin’ “This sucks.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: I feel like I’m–

Captain Brien: I never did that. I never went to the Garden of Eden, but I know it well, ’cause I’ve been to Key West, and who doesn’t hear about the Garden of Eden?

Joe List: It’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: It is?

Joe List: I spent some time in Key West, and I didn’t, I do now, I go there every year to do the show, but when I was young, my friend Tom Dustin who runs the show, we went down there and had a wild time, and we got robbed by two women in Miami the day before we went.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Joe List: We lost all our cash. Yeah, I had a $1,000 in cash taken from me.

Captain Brien: No, a lady robbed you?

Joe List: Yeah, well what happened was, I guess they were kinda like, ladies of the night. I thought I was just killin’ it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you thought you were hookin’ up with these chicks.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. So we were walkin’ around drunk.

Captain Brien: I gotta hear this.

Joe List: And I was the only guy, I’m wearing like, jeans and sneakers, and I’m wearing like, New Balance sneakers walkin’ up South Beach in Miami, which is like, the hippest place on earth.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you looked like an easy target, ’cause they’re like, “These guys are on vacation.”

Joe List: Yeah, I looked like a goof. I had like, you know, wired glasses and jeans from Sears, everything, all Sears, head to toe.

Captain Brien: What year was this?

Joe List: This was ’06.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Joe List: So I was 24, and this woman walked up to me and she was hammerin’. She was like, “Hey baby, you wanna party?” And I was like, “Yeah, yeah, let’s rip it. “I just got here. I’m from Boston. “Lets have some fun.” She was like, “Well where are you stayin’?” I was like, “I’m stayin’ right over here.” And it was two women. They were kinda heavy, but I was, you know–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t ask for the best on the road. You take what you get.

Joe List: Yeah, I was into it, and they came up to me. I mean they sparked it, so I was like, “Yeah, let’s go to my room.” And then I was like, “I gotta find my buddy Tom.” And they were like, “No, no, he’s with our friend.” So I just thought these three random women just started grabbin’ us, and I find out later

Captain Brien: You thought you were hot shit. Like, I am freakin’ handsome in South Beach.

Joe List: Yeah, so they walked me, I mean again, these were not attractive women, but they were very nice. They were like, they took me by the arm, you know, I was elbow and elbow, I had a girl on each side, which is a dream.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Joe List: Went back to the hotel, and then one of them started, she– We can be dirty on here, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to a point, sure.

Joe List: Okay.

Captain Brien: Kinda censor it.

Joe List: I don’t wanna get too crazy but she took her bosoms out.

Captain Brien: Yes, she took out her boobies.

Joe List: Yeah, and she was pressing them on my face and kinda doin’ one of these things, and then the other girl, I was like “Where are you at? What goin’ on here?” And she was kinda touchin’ my genital area over the pants, and I was like “This is amazing, what a wild, “I’m havin’ a threesome in Key West, “I mean in Miami, I just got here an hour ago.”, and then all of a sudden, she was like, “You know what? We’re gonna get outta here.”

Joe List: And I was like, “What? I’m not even naked yet. “What’re you talkin’ about?” And they were like, “We gotta go. “It was great to meet ya’.” And then they just took off, and I was so drunk that I was like, “Boy, that was weird.” I was like, “Maybe I said somethin’.” And then I looked over. I could see the zipper of my bag was open, and I had all cash. I didn’t have an ATM card at the time.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go right to the bag? Were you like, “Yo, I got bags!”

Joe List: No, I think she was just rifling through the bag.

Captain Brien: While the other one was smothering you with the breasts.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: So you were breast smothered. That was like, her Bird Box. She Bird Boxed you.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. Classic move, a breast smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: ‘Cause you can get away with anything if you can smother someone’s face

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Joe List: with a breast.

Captain Brien: No doubt.

Joe List: So, she did that, and then the other one I think had like, one hand, she was kinda touchin’ me so I knew she was there, and then with the other hand was goin’ through my bag, and again, I’m like, extremely inebriated.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go through the bag and not your pockets? They’re good.

Joe List: They might have gone through the pockets also. I dunno.

Captain Brien: It was probably an hour. It was an hour of breast smuggling.

Joe List: They probably were like, “This guy “doesn’t have an ATM card. This guy’s a loser.” I don’t know, but they went through and I just had cash, and my mother, before I left was like, “You shouldn’t carry cash like that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: But I just didn’t have a bank card. I just had cash, so I lost 1,000, and then my friend showed up. Oh, that’s what I forgot to say. So in the middle of it, my buddy Tom showed up, and I was like “Dude, look at this! “This is crazy!” ‘Cause I didn’t realized I’d been robbed yet, and he was like, “I just got robbed.” He’s like, “I lost $500.”

Captain Brien: Get out! They had already hit him up?

Joe List: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So they literally told you, “Oh, my other friend is taking care of your buddy.”

Joe List: Yes, so it turned out he was receiving a style of sex, you know, and they were goin’ through his pockets while doing that, so he at least received like, some more sexual– It was a little more advanced, sexually than I got. I just got a boobie smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you were excited about that.

Joe List: I was thrilled with that. I mean at the time, I wasn’t exactly crushing it, nor am I now, by the way.

Captain Brien: When you’re married.

Joe List: I mean I have a beautiful wife. So anyways, that was that, and then, so it was day one of like a seven day vacation, and we lost 100% of our money. I had to call my mother. My aunt wired us some money.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Joe List: And I had to pay her back.

Captain Brien: That’s like the thing where you get the call and it’s fake, right? “Hey, I’m on vacation, I lost all my money. “Can you wire me money?”

Joe List: Yeah, it seemed like a joke, and like the day before, she was like, “This is a bad idea.”, and I was like, “Yep, we got robbed.” I mean, day one, but the nice thing was, we went down to Key West, and we started telling everyone the story. It’s a great atmosphere down there, and people would buy us drinks and stuff. People were like, “Oh, that’s terrible. “Let me get you a beer.”

Joe List: And we kinda milked it, quite a bit. We got a lot of free booze, and we would just tell the story together, and people loved it. We were a big hit down there.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Joe List: But yeah, it was great, but for years I’m finally doing well enough that I don’t add that $1,000 to my account when I look at my money.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: For years, every time I looked at my statement I’d be like, “There should be $1,000 more!”

Captain Brien: “Ah, wish I had that grand.” Yeah.

Joe List: But I also gave this great big broody speech, where I was like, “You know what, who gives a shit? “If they need to take our money, “let ’em take our money.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: “We’re not gonna let this die.” It was like this big like,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: rah, rah speech.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you felt, you were feelin’ it right from the heart, and the wallet.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly, we had to keep it goin’. We ended up havin’ like, the time of our lives. I got great photos of all of it.

Captain Brien: So, my buddy owns Irish Kevin’s. Did you get to go to Irish Kevin’s?

Joe List: Yeah, I’ve been to Irish Kevin’.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s Irish Kevin, that’s my buddy.

Joe List: No kidding.

Captain Brien: So he’s a good time. That’s how, he’s the one that contacted me and said, “My friend’s opening up a bar and gonna do comedy there. “I want you to book it.”, and then I was like, “I can’t”.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: So that’s how I was like, contacted. Wow, that guy just threw the thing right there.

Joe List: Yeah, I think he just dumped a bottle of urine out the window, which is fine, you know.

Captain Brien: So tell me, you grew up in Boston.

Joe List: Yeah, well Massachusetts, South Shore. I grew up in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: Okay, and I grew up in Wakefield.

Joe List: Yeah, which is, I feel like similar towns but flipped.

Captain Brien: Right. The opposites.

Joe List: One’s North, one’s South, which by the way, we call it Massachusetts, I never thought this was weird. We always say South Shore, the South Shore plaza, but it’s not the shore. I grew up like 35 minutes from the beach. Like the South Shore plaza–

Captain Brien: Yeah, we say North Shore.

Joe List: Yeah, as in Braintree, but it’s like, we’re not on the water.

Captain Brien: Right, we’re not on the shore, like shipwrecked.

Joe List: Yeah, people would come visit or whatever and see where I grew up, and they’re like, “So where’s the beach?” and I’m like, “The beach?”

Joe List: And I’m like, “The beach is like, 40 minutes away.”

Captain Brien: So do you have the roast beef sandwiches, like Bill & Bob’s, is that a thing on the South Shore? I know it’s huge on the North Shore.

Joe List: No, well there’s Mike’s Roast Beef was a big place. I moved to Everett for a couple of years for comedy.

Captain Brien: So in Everett, so you had like–

Joe List: There was Kelley’s was not far, and then Mike’s Roast Beef, which is still there. I still go up there.

Captain Brien: It’s delicious, right?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: There’s nothing like that around here.

Joe List: No, it was amazing. I mean someone should come down here and do a roast beef place.

Captain Brien: I did.

Joe List: You made a roast beef place?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did, in 2005. Captain Brian’s Seafood and Roast Beef, and I did the exact thing.

Joe List: And it didn’t–

Captain Brien: It did really well.

Joe List: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: It turned into Captain Brian’s, then it turned into Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: But that’s how I started, and Bill and Bob, the owner came down, he says, “I heard you’re the Bill and Bob’s “from down south. “I’m gonna see your roast beef.” and he cooked roast beef in my kitchen.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And he taught me, like, the secrets.

Joe List: Wow.

Captain Brien: The real friggin’ thing.

Joe List: Oh, I thought I had that million dollar idea by the way, but you already done it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did it. I did it, I did a lot. Some worked, some didn’t.

Joe List: That’s the way it goes.

Captain Brien: That’s how you roll.

Joe List: It’s like jokes.

Captain Brien: You gotta test out the waters.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Randy wants me to say, “I wanna hear a chicken finger.” I like to say chicken fingers. Do you say chicken finger, or chicken finger?

Joe List: Well, I’m hangin’ out with you, so I’ll start soundin’ like that again. Like when I go home to hang out with my family, I’ll start sounding a little more like a Kennedy. To me, when I was drinking, or if I’d get really angry my accent will come out a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents have lived down here for 22 years and so have I, but my accent’s mostly gone I think.

Joe List: Right.

Captain Brien: Or is it bad?

Joe List: I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Joe List: I noticed it a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents sound like they literally have never left.

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: I’m like, how do you still talk like that?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Nobody else is doing that.

Joe List: It’s interesting, because it’s just so ingrained. It’s just like how you speak I guess, but it’s weird because when I was a kid, I got made fun of ’cause I would say bathroom, and like everyone made fun of me. They were like, “What are you, an English piece of shit.”, whatever, and then I was like, “Oh, alright.”, so I stopped saying bathroom consciously, and then like, Good Will Hunting came out, and it became like, the coolest thing to sound like that,

Captain Brien: Yeah, Boston.

Joe List: so all of a sudden, like I had this accent and people would make fun of me, and I was like, “Oh god, I guess I’m a nerd. “I sound like I’m British.” So I’d change the way I talk, and then Good Will Hunting came out and all of a sudden like everyone in my class was like, “Joe, you’re wicked crazy.”, and I was like, “You didn’t sounds like that two days ago.”

Captain Brien: Like, wicked, I didn’t realize wicked wasn’t a thing.

Joe List: I didn’t either. It’s amazing how many things you realize, like Patriot’s Day is not a holiday anymore.

Captain Brien: Correct. What is Patriot’s Day?

Joe List: Yeah, I thought, that was mind blowing to me, ’cause I still to go up there every year for Patriot’s Day.

Captain Brien: And Columbus day is like, I think that people don’t get it unless you’re up there. What do you think?

Joe List: Columbus Day?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: That’s a national holiday, isn’t it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it seems like it, right? And they wanna tell you about Plymouth Rock.

Joe List: Right, Plymouth Rock they love, and that’s so fascinating, but Columbus didn’t land on Plymouth Rock.

Captain Brien: No, who did?

Joe List: The Pilgrims.

Captain Brien: The Pilgrims. So that’s why we get Patriot’s Day, or no?

Joe List: No, Patriot’s Day is about I think Battle of Bunker Hill?

Captain Brien: Oh! That’s what it–

Joe List: No wait, that’s Bunker Hill Day. Patriot’s Day is, I dunno.

Captain Brien: The Bunker Hill Monument.

Joe List: Some sort of revolution. But that’s not actually on Bunker Hill. That’s actually Breed’s Hill, and Bunker Hill is in like, Somerville.

Captain Brien: This is true. This is true.

Joe List: That’s some fun trivia.

Captain Brien: That is a good little knack that you’ve acquired along the way.

Joe List: Yeah, a little Boston trivia. By the way, are we going somewhere? I feel like you’re just flipping around. I dunno

Captain Brien: I can’t turn in this.

Joe List: what the hell’s going on.

Captain Brien: You can’t turn in there.

Captain Brien: I just drive and drive until the conversation gets dead, and once the conversation dies, I pull in.

Joe List: Every once and a while I look over, I’m like, “Where the hell are we?”

Captain Brien: There’s no turn in. There’s no access to get in here, so you gotta go down, turn, right, left, and pull in.

Joe List: Gotcha. Well Patriot’s Day is a holiday in Boston. I still go every year, ’cause the Red Sox play at 11:05am, and the marathon’s going on. I go every year.

Captain Brien: Which is the best. That’s a huge day in Boston.

Joe List: It’s the best.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: You go to the game, then you spill out. Time to watch all the, you know, the not elite runners.

Captain Brien: I go to Pizzeria Regina, I get some pizza on the way in.

Joe List: Yeah, you can do that.

Captain Brien: I love it.

Joe List: We live it up, I mean, I love it, I go every, this past year the game got rained out, which was frustrating. I was there for the bombing, which was, that’s not a fun thing to bring up on a comedy show.

Captain Brien: No. But it’s very interesting. And then did you see the movie?

Joe List: I did not see the movie.

Captain Brien: You didn’t?

Joe List: No. I saw the real life thing.

Captain Brien: I know.

Joe List: No, I did not see the movie. I should see the movie.

Captain Brien: The movie’s great.

Joe List: I’m sure it was enjoyable.

Captain Brien: It’s really interesting.

Joe List: Yeah. That was a fascinating time.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Well anyway, guys, this is the Captain’s Log. Joe List. Go see him at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight through Sunday, tellin’ the ha-ha’s, all the jokes, you’re gonna love him. You’ve seen him on Netflix, now you’ve seen him on a Captain’s Log. Joe, thanks buddy

Joe List: Thanks for havin’ me.

Captain Brien: Let’s go, we’re goin’ on

Joe List: I appreciate it.

Captain Brien: a radio station now. 103.9, then 96k-Rock. We just finished 105.5 The Beat. We’re out, and the Captain’s Log will be live tomorrow. Two episodes, so I know you’re just so excited. Seeya.

S2:E2 The Captains Log with The Tennessee Tramp Janet Williams and Captain Brien!

Comedian Janet Williams joins the fun! She’s here to have a good time and not afraid to let us know how it is!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. 

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check out Janet Williams and show her some love at:



Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Live on the Captain’s Log how are you? This is episode two of The Captain’s Log with Janet Williams I have a real live tramp in the car.

Janet Williams: Yes you do. You’ve probably had more they just didn’t call themselves tramps.

Captain Brien: They didn’t refer to it specifically like that. Put your seatbelt on this is going to be a dangerous ride.

Janet Williams: I know it is. I’m with The Captain.

Captain Brien: Welcome aboard this is The Captain’s Log. I appreciate you guys tuning in. If you hang on we’re going to give away some tickets to see you tonight at Off The Hook comedy club how great is that?

Janet Williams: Hey that’s great because I have a lot if advice for every single age.

Captain Brien: You do?

Janet Williams: Yes I do.

Captain Brien: And you travel all around so you have some good stories.

Janet Williams: Oh I have great stories and if I don’t have great stories ill make it up.

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. So how did– I don’t even know if I know how you got The Tramp name.

Janet Williams: Okay I got all my husbands together in one meeting room and that’s the name that they came up with. Others could not be used on the air, but that’s the one that stuck.

Captain Brien: That one you figured at least it’s universal.

Janet Williams: Yes. And I’m not going to tell you how many husbands there were.

Captain Brien: There was at least one.

Janet Williams: Well there’s more than one and I love wedding cake I didn’t realize you could order a wedding cake without getting married. So once I realized that I quit getting married.

Captain Brien: Yeah you stopped.

Janet Williams: Yeah I’ll just get a cake.

Captain Brien: That’s good now what’s your favorite flavor?

Janet Williams: I like almond cake with cream cheese icing, but that I’m here this week let me tell you, I love the carrot cake it off the hook.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s good.

Janet Williams: It’s the best it is the best.

Captain Brien: It is good I like it myself.

Janet Williams: And I know what is good to eat and what’s not good to eat.

Captain Brien: Well how do you explain that?

Janet Williams: Well if it’s really not good to eat it’s not good for you it doesn’t taste well.

Captain Brien: Yeah so wait the things that always are good to eat are usually not good for you.

Janet Williams: Right.

Captain Brien: Is that what you’re saying?

Janet Williams:  Right that’s what I’m saying, but if its a really good artery-clogger…

Captain Brien: Then they’re usually delicious.

Janet Williams: Delicious no doubt.

Captain Brien: Like a fried Oreo damn those are good.

Janet Williams: Oh I’ve never had one.

Captain Brien: You’ve never had a fried Oreo?

Janet Williams: No.

Captain Brien: Wait you’re from Tennessee!

Janet Williams: I know hey we do not fry everything in Tennessee.

Captain Brien: You barbecue or fry it, I don’t think you have other options.

Janet Williams: We barbecue or fry it that’s true. We just eat unusual things like, I bet you’ve never had a barbecued possum.

Captain Brien: No wait can you eat possum?

Janet Williams: You can.

Captain Brien: I thought you’d get like–

Janet Williams: Its roadkill. If its happened within ten minutes that meat’s still good.

Captain Brien: Really?

Janet Williams: I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Captain Brien: I thought you can’t eat possum they give you that disease.

Janet Williams: What disease?

Captain Brien: Oh that’s an armadillo that’s an armadillo.

Janet Williams: Oh you wouldn’t want an armadillo.

Captain Brien: Yeah you can’t eat armadillo it kills you, kill you.

Janet Williams: Yes yes yeah. Like that fish that you order, you have to sign off that.

Captain Brien: Oh the puffer the blowfish?

Janet Williams: Yeah you have to sign off to eat it.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Janet Williams: I’m not signing off on anything.

Captain Brien: I’m not signing nothing I have kids. I gotta take care of them. “What happened to Dad? He ate too much.”

Janet Williams: If I had kids I’d be eating that by the truckload.

Captain Brien: You would cast net ’em all day.

Janet Williams: I don’t want a contract just bring me tartar sauce.

Captain Brien: Would you fry it or would you just grill it or raw? Right down the hatch the whole thing?

Janet Williams: Fry.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Janet Williams: Didn’t we just discuss the South? Yeah do you eat biscuits?

Captain Brien: Ooh I love biscuits.

Janet Williams: I make the best biscuits.

Captain Brien: Oh really? Like ten years you’ve been working the club? I get no biscuits none! Not a damn freaking crumb!

Janet Williams: Okay the next time I come biscuits are on the table.

Captain Brien: Okay I’m going to hold you to it.

Janet Williams: No problem.

Captain Brien: I’m going to hold you to it.

Janet Williams: No problem I’m there.

Captain Brien: Biscuits I got no biscuits I get nothing.

Janet Williams: I know!

Captain Brien: No fried chicken no barbecue.

Janet Williams: Oh I make great fried chicken.

Captain Brien: Oh she makes everything great. Everything is great we just can’t taste it.

Janet Williams: Here’s the deal you get a thin girl it’s microwaveable that’s it.

Janet Williams:You get a heavy-set woman we cook, and we cook in iron skillets.

Captain Brien: Oh I like a good iron skillet. I like a cornbread done in my iron skillet. Alright tell me you make the best cornbread too.

Janet Williams: I don’t make the best cornbread but I do make the best biscuits.

Captain Brien: That’s good I’m happy you didn’t tell me that too because everything is the best but I get none of it. It’s really depressing me this is my show.

Janet Williams: And next time I come in we’re gonna have fried chicken and biscuits.

Captain Brien: Okay I’m ready.

Janet Williams: It’s done.

Captain Brien: Wait so I love chicken I love chicken fingers but I say chicken “finga” because I’m from Boston. So I love chicken fingas. I eat them all the time.

Janet Williams: I know.

Captain Brien: And I love but I don’t like just like the Tyson store bought chicken. I like what I call chicken finga but I like the breast fried like regular fried chicken. Sometimes on the bone I’m not a big fan of fried chicken. I’ll eat chicken on the bone no problem but fried chicken sometimes I like just the breast.

Janet Williams: Right and I fry boneless chicken breast.

Captain Brien: Oh you fry the boneless chicken breast, what about like you know what I have not fried? I eat a lot in the Asian restaurants they’ll eat the thigh, that’ll be boneless and that’s dark meat right? So that’s good I should fry that.

Janet Williams: I’m not really I’m not big on dark meat.

Captain Brien: No nothing? No well what are you gonna do?

Captain Brien: We’ll try it we’ll go back to the biscuits what are you gonna tell ’em? What do you want to do?

Janet Williams: Fried chicken and biscuits it doesn’t get any better than that.

Captain Brien: Randy says Mid-west girls cook great, well Randy you haven’t cooked The Tramp hasn’t cooked, I’m sitting here I do all the cooking I do the cooking the talking the feeding the eating.

Janet Williams: And now we’ve got vodka and rum.

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah the drinking.

Captain Brien: I’m doing the work of the Lord I think. I bringing food to the table.

Janet Williams: I’m telling you Jesus sent you.

Captain Brien: Turning water into vodka. It’s not easy I’m doing it though. It’s not easy

Janet Williams: I’ve got this laryngitis thing, and I think your vodka is going to heal me.

Captain Brien: Well I’m going to do the rum too, I think you need a little rum because it’ll be a a little sweeter on you for you. You’re sweet you need a little sweetness in your life.

Janet Williams: Yes yes and as you get older you need sweetness, because old people are angry. And I’ll tell you what not all of them, but they are for good reason

Captain Brien: Yeah what’s that?

Janet Williams: You know it’s I have friends my age and I’m 70 and they’re like, “Can you believe that girl is hanging out of that top with those breast implants? Look how short her skirt is.” They’re saying that because they can’t wear that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Janet Williams: If I has breast implants I would make Dolly Parton look flat-chested.

Captain Brien: Yeah you would get them.

Janet Williams: I would be touching the dash.

Captain Brien: Would you get big ones?

Janet Williams: Huge huge yeah and I’d want people to stare at me and then I’d go, “You can touch these if you buy me some rum and for Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: Just that’s it that’s all they have to do?

Janet Williams: That’s all that’s it.

Captain Brien: What if a bunch of people what if it’s shots all around?

Janet Williams: Not a problem. I got ’em covered because I got those big knockers.

Captain Brien: Yeah yeah and would you dress them up or would you just?

Janet Williams: Oh no no being touching the dashboard’s dress up enough you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Yeah that’s good enough to go. Yeah that’s all the entrance they need?

Janet Williams: Right.

Captain Brien: I hear ya I hear ya.

Janet Williams: And I love the young girls that wear all these high heels they’re sparkly you know.

Captain Brien: Bless those girls I love them too.

Captain Brien: Oh I know men love that and I understand why I totally understand why.

Captain Brien: Why?

Janet Williams: Because they’re in heat.

Captain Brien: The men?

Janet Williams: Men are in heat 24/7, and when you meet a woman and she goes, “Oh I love everything about you.” And then you marry her. She wants you to change your socks don’t wear those shoes she likes nothing about you that she loved before the big ring.

Captain Brien: That’s right. What is that?

Janet Williams: We’re bitches.

Captain Brien: Oh. So you all get together and make that pact beforehand?

Janet Williams: Oh no we could never get together because we hate each other. We do this on our own.

Captain Brien: That’s true why is it that women always want to have guy friends but they don’t want to have girl friends?

Janet Williams: Well I’ll tell you what I work–

Captain Brien: When the girls go when the girls go out though then it’s a whole thing.

Janet Williams: Oh yeah you got a cock blocker somewhere.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Janet Williams: Um you know women are their own worst enemies. You know collectively we could rule the world, but we’re so petty about things you know? And I don’t know why we’re like that.

Captain Brien: I don’t either.

Janet Williams: I don’t have any idea but I’ve always worked predominantly in male environments and I love working with men.

Captain Brien: Well I love working with you.

Janet Williams: Well there you go.

Captain Brien: So we’re like a match made in heaven.

Janet Williams: Right and we work well together and we can party together but I’m not someone you want to marry.

Captain Brien: Why?

Janet Williams: Because at this stage in my life I’ve got some of my friends that are marrying again in their middle 70s late 70s, and they go, “Wouldn’t you like to have someone in your life?” No I don’t want to hear nobody breathing next to me I don’t want somebody saying, “Are my khakis clean?” You wore them last I don’t know. You know, “Are you hungry?” Which means they want something to eat. I don’t want to wait on anybody. No one.

Captain Brien: Do you like to cook?

Janet Williams: Love to cook.

Captain Brien: Do you like to clean?

Janet Williams: I love to clean.

Captain Brien: You will be perfect.

Janet Williams: I know.

Captain Brien: You’d be a good catch.

Janet Williams: I would be a good catch but–

Captain Brien: I like to cook but I just don’t I don’t like to clean.

Janet Williams: I love to clean it’s self-gratification.

Captain Brien: Cleaning up after I cook.

Janet Williams: Oh yeah I love that and I love a man that cooks. I think the perfect marriage is a man and a woman that enjoy cooking together so with my last ex-husband I said, “You know Stan I think we need to cook together.” He goes, “Okay.” So we made Chex Mix at Christmas.

Captain Brien: Oh that was talent.

Janet Williams: Have you ever had the police come to your home over making Chex Mix? No it didn’t happen so cooking didn’t bring us any closer.

Captain Brien: No wow so why’d the police come?

Janet Williams: Well you know things got out of hand. You know he just wanted to put too many nuts in it and I want pretzels and we had to have a showdown.

Captain Brien: Yeah just throw down after that. No nuts over pretzels what’s wrong with him?

Janet Williams: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Pretzels he picked nuts over pretzels? What kind of nuts?

Janet Williams: Peanuts and cashews.

Captain Brien: No way if you told me something like pistachios or something I was thinking like alright maybe maybe he was going somewhere with it but peanuts? That’s like the bottom of the barrel.

Janet Williams: Thank you thank you.

Captain Brien: You don’t just throw peanuts in there. Were they peanut M&Ms?

Janet Williams: No but I love peanut M&Ms.

Captain Brien: You do? What’s your favorite flavor? Which one the yellow?

Janet Williams: Isn’t it the blue one that makes you horny?

Captain Brien: Oh.

Janet Williams: Or is it the red one?

Captain Brien: I don’t know I don’t know holy cow what’s that? That was a bale of hay a whole bale of hay right in the middle of the road.

Janet Williams: You may be from Boston but you know hay.

Captain Brien: I said holy hay.

Janet Williams: And let me tell you I didn’t ever know that you were from Boston, but I knew you weren’t very Southern.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Janet Williams: Yeah you can’t hide that.

Captain Brien: Well I’ve been down here for 20 years so did I lose the accent?

Janet Williams: No you haven’t even come close.

Captain Brien: That’s why I say chicken finga you know it’s not a finger its a finga.

Janet Williams: Right and I always think that I don’t sound that southern. Oh Randy says green and Mark says green, does that the one that makes you horny one the green? I didn’t know this.

Janet Williams: Yeah you gotta get out more.

Captain Brien: Yeah I don’t eat a lot of chocolate.

Janet Williams: Well you’re the work of the Devil.

Captain Brien: You know what they say about chocolate.

Janet Williams: What?

Captain Brien: It gives you the same hormone release as an orgasm so that’s why you never give women chocolate on a date for dessert because then she’s already satisfied.

Janet Williams: Well here’s the thing.

Captain Brien: So why do that?

Janet Williams: I really did not know that but I guess all these orgasms I’ve had are the family pack M&Ms.

Captain Brien: You’re giving away orgasms like it’s like it’s Mardi Gras.

Janet Williams: Right exactly.

Captain Brien: I hear ya I hear ya. You’re not shy about giving ’em out.

Janet Williams: Not in the least not in the least.

Captain Brien: Oh that’s good we got the cops on us, the cops are on us let’s turn the radar down. Not good for the Captain’s Log. We gotta just give it a little back roll.

Janet Williams: Wouldn’t it be great if we were pulled over?

Captain Brien: I keep saying that and here’s my theory, so I have the live on air sign right? It’s lit up no matter what if I get pulled over that sign’s going on, and they’d say, “Sir why do you have a sign on?” “Oh we’re live we’re on my show.” Do you think he’s going to give me a ticket if I do that? I think that’s my ticket out it’s the live on air sign.

Janet Williams: I think the ticket you’re going to get is when I tell him I’m not shutting my mouth until I get a pat down.

Captain Brien: Yeah that would not go well.

Janet Williams: There comes the ticket and you’ve gotta have an attitude about it.

Captain Brien: That could be handcuffs.

Janet Williams: Yes and that’s what I’m hoping for yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Janet Williams: I miss the days of handcuffs.

Captain Brien: That could be fun that could be fun I can see where you’re going with this, and he’s in his little cop uniform. Yeah I’ll video it.

Janet Williams: I’ll let you video it. We’ll put it on a CD and sell it to everybody.

Captain Brien: That’s how we could make our next million.

Janet Williams: Yeah you get a free CD of me being patted down.

Captain Brien: A captain a cop and a tramp took a ride who ends up arrested?

Janet Williams: Right here’s the thing, we make it an attachment to the rum.

Captain Brien: That’s true.

Janet Williams: So not only do you get your fabulous rum you get the CD.

Captain Brien: That’s true.

Janet Williams: You need me on your planning team.

Captain Brien: That’s a giveaway like an extra giveaway.

Janet Williams: People will buy that rum and it will sit on the shelf, they’re going to want to see me patted down and then once they see me they’ll need the rum to get that out of their mind.

Captain Brien: Yeah. They’ll have to drink the whole thing and buy another one.

Janet Williams: You cannot un-see this you can’t un-see it.

Captain Brien: Well anyway guys if you want to see Janet Williams hey I promise him– You made me forget I was supposed to give away tickets. Did you share it?

Janet Williams: I did not.

Captain Brien: We did we screwed up the whole thing.

Janet Williams: Well you know we’re so intense when we’re together.

Captain Brien: Yeah so okay this is how we’re going to give away tickets, guys if you leave a comment below I’m going to post a promotional code that you can use. I’ll reply to every person with a promo code alright? You didn’t share it I forgot to give away the giveaway, this whole show has gone to hell in a hand-basket.

Janet Williams: It has but when you come to the show you’ll redeem yourself.

Captain Brien: Yes yes.

Janet Williams: Because you want to hear what The Tramp’s got to say.

Captain Brien: The Tramp is very funny.

Janet Williams: She is funny.

Captain Brien: She’s hysterical.

Janet Williams: Yeah and she’s a good time.

Captain Brien: Always. And maybe you just sign the breasts? Maybe we’ll let them sign your breasts now.

Janet Williams: Well you pointed here they’re closer to my knees.

Captain Brien: Gotcha. We’ll sign those down there that’s good that’s good. Aright guys leave a comment or share or whatever you want to do I’ll post a promo code you get two free tickets for tonight’s show or Sunday either one. For tonight and Sunday. Janet Williams a.k.a. The Tennessee Tramp, my guest on The Captain’s Log. This is episode two you know episode one, this is season two episode two. Did you know season one took 13 years to finish?

Janet Williams: Really?

Captain Brien: I think that’s a record.

Janet Williams: I think it is too.

Captain Brien: Yeah I think it’s a record.

Janet Williams: But I think two and two this is something special. Something big is going to happen definitely.

Captain Brien: Yeah you could have a baby on this show right now.

Janet Williams: Now that will make me extremely wealthy.

Captain Brien: That would be special that would be very special. Can you do something like lay an egg or something? It’s The Captain’s Log after all.

Janet Williams: If I could lay an egg you know at this point in my life I would eat it. And then you got the abortion people on you. You know so no I have no eggs they’re gone.

Captain Brien: We got nothing we got nothing.

Captain Brien: Well anyway we got you on stage at Off The Hook comedy club in Naples. Thank you so much thank you honey.

Janet Williams: Thank you Captain love you.

Captain Brien: Shake my hand even though I’m driving oh my god, I have another hand for the steering wheel, see I’m okay this one always stays on the shifter.

Janet Williams: Right you’re very safe very safe.

Captain Brien: We’re out guys be good.

Season 1 Episode 102: The Captain’s Log with Tom Cotter & Captain Brien ready to bring in the New Year!

Happy New Year! We started our with lots of laughs from Tom Cotter. Also want to thank everyone for supporting and being part of the Captain’s Log! Set those goals and Let’s kick 2019’s butt!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. 

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 101: The Captain’s Log with Emma Willmann and Captain Brien Blindfolded!

On this episode of the #captainslog Captain Brien and the super funny Emma Willmann! See how well Captain Brien can do driving with a blindfold!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 100: The Captain’s Log with special guest Deborah from the Freedom Waters Foundation!

On the episode of the #captainslog captain Brien always here bringing the community together !

Watch full video here ————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!


Season 1 Episode 99: The Captain’s Log with Meals From The Mitten author Gina Ferwerda!

On this episode of the #captainslog Brien and author Gina Ferwerda talk about her book and the true meaning of where her recipes originated!

Watch full video here ———-> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnWozL4PdsA&t=68s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 98: The Captain’s Log with The Ultimate Krispy Kreme Doughnut Eating Competition!

On this episode of the #captainslog watch over 5,000 calories be consumed! Captain Brien says challenge accepted to the kids!

Watch full video here ————>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs4Kx9JrFqQ&t=6s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 96: The Captain’s Log here to tell you how you can help the Boy & Girls Club!

On this episode of the #Captainslog learn how you can support the Boys and Girls Club and why it’s important that you do!

Watch full video here ———> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW8M2Le4a4k 

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!