Category Archives: Prodcasting

S2:E13 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Steve Trevino and Captain Brien!

Comedian Steve Trevino joins Captain Brien to discuss what it’s like being a comedian, random comedian requests, and fishing! Tune into hear some of the funny, random, and sometimes obnoxious requests comedians make!

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Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Steve Trevino out and show him some love at:



Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Steve Trevino: But I can do it here, huh?

Captain Brien: Yeah man, we’re back, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien:Steve Trevino, no, I can’t do it.

Steve Trevino: Trevino.

Captain Brien:- Trevino. I’m just gonna say Trevino like a white guy.

Steve Trevino: Trevino, yeah just be a white guy.

Captain Brien: I’m so white anyway, like, I don’t have any tongue roll.

Steve Trevino: So how do I do it on mine?

Captain Brien: So you’re gonna go like this.

Steve Trevino: Refresh.

Captain Brien: And, yeah. When you scroll down, and then scroll back up and see us. But thanks for joining me, man, The Captain’s Log. Now, have you been on the show, have we done this?

Steve Trevino: Well no, I’ve been a little jealous to be honest with you, every time I come into town you’re like, “Steve, I can’t make it, I got this going on.” And then literally the next week you’ll have, like, Eric Griffin. And I’m like, “oh, ’cause I’m not a workaholic.”

Captain Brien: No, no, stop, you know what it is?

Steve Trevino: We’ve been friends a long time.

Captain Brien: We’ve been friends a long time, but I’ll tell you why. Because you’re so professional. The truth is, I don’t have to babysit you. So it’s like a great weekend for me to understand, like, Steve’s got it all under control, he’s like a pro, he’s gonna knock ’em out of the park.

Steve Trevino: So I gotta flip mine up now.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah tell ’em, tell your peeps.

Steve Trevino: I think we did it.

Captain Brien: Good.

Steve Trevino: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Yep, you’re live. You can put it away, tell ’em.

Steve Trevino: Well look, I’m one of those guys that I know that, number one, I take it like a job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Steve Trevino: It’s my job.

Steve Trevino: Is it what I love to do, I love to do it, I love to be on stage, but at the end of the day this is my job.

Captain Brien: Correct.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I did it too when I worked at the comedy club, I would have to pick up the comics, it was a nightmare.

Captain Brien: Why, because 30% of the time they’re on time?

Steve Trevino: Yeah, maybe, and sometimes you’re knocking on the door, and then they give you the-

Captain Brien: I’m on my way, I’ll be right down.

Steve Trevino: I’ll be down in a minute.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I would just sit in the lobby and then I would get yelled at by the radio stations, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Story of my life every day.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, “no, it’s not me!”

Captain Brien: Every day.

Steve Trevino: I was there! I was trying to wake him up.

Captain Brien: I can’t tell you, you know the message I sent you, “hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” By the way, where is your coffee? Oh, it’s in the back.

Captain Brien: It’s in the back. “Hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” That message is literally my cue to figure out if they’re-

Steve Trevino: If they’re up or not.

Captain Brien: If they’re gonna make it, it’s worth it for me to get a coffee, breakfast, whatever they want, whatever they need.

Steve Trevino: But let me know you’re up.

Captain Brien: Let me know that you’re gonna make it today.

Steve Trevino: And a lot of comics too, they’re like, “oh I don’t wanna do radio.” And I’m like “look man, it’s part of our job.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember listening to an interview with Chris Rock where he was talking to a comedian, and the comedian goes “I wanna get to the point “where I don’t have to tour.” And Chris Rock’s like, “well, don’t be a comedian.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause it’s what we do.

Captain Brien: Yeah, who wants to be like a rock star and not play?

Steve Trevino: It’s part of our life, that’s how I make my money. Even Chris Rock still tours.

Captain Brien: I agree with that 100%, but I also feel like there’s this new movement they’re making where everyone’s like, “oh, I just wanna work on Friday and Saturday.” Oh, so you just want the club to go out of business. Like two days a week, the club is gonna be busy?

Steve Trevino: And I always laugh when I hear these. You know, like a new club will pop up, and these young comics are like “they are paying so much money.”

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, why don’t you tell them,

Captain Brien: That they’re gonna be gone in six months.

Steve Trevino: Right, do you want ’em here forever?

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: Or do you wanna get money right now?

Captain Brien: Correct, right.

Steve Trevino: So they have this attitude of like, oh, just go in there and get the money. It’s like, well they’re gonna go out of business.

Captain Brien: No, that’s not how it works, exactly.

Steve Trevino: I’d rather have constant work forever.

Captain Brien: Well again, that goes back to the reason why when you’re like “hey, “if I’m going out of town, if I’m not available that week.” I know certain weeks that I have to freakin’ be there and babysit.

Steve Trevino: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I have to do a hundred more things than I would do.

Steve Trevino: And then I have friends that tell me “I love comedy, I should be a comedy club manager.” And I’m like, “you don’t even know “what you’re getting into.

Captain Brien: Oh it’s like being a fishing guide. Oh you like to fish? Oh yeah, how about taking a moron fishing every single day of your life? You’ll hate it.

Steve Trevino: You’re gonna hate it. And not only that, every week is completely different.

Captain Brien: Every week.

Steve Trevino: You’re managing a different comedian every single week.

Captain Brien: And the audience.

Steve Trevino: I got to the hotel at The Punchline in San Francisco, and the guy at the hotel was like, “hey, here’s a bottle of 1941 “that somebody left for you.” And I was like “really?” And he said “yeah, a Marlon Wayans a bottle of 1941”, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I showed up at the club I’m like “man, Marlon Wayans left me a bottle of 1941.” And they’re like “really?”

Captain Brien: ‘Cause we paid for it.

Captain Brien:We had to buy one every night. Oh, just so you know, how nice of him that was, is that every night they bought one of those.

Steve Trevino: That’s what they told us, they go “Every night we have to buy him a bottle of this, “and he just left it at the hotel for you.”

Captain Brien: And I’m like “hey, you drank the whole bottle?” Because if not I’ll just go to the hotel, pick it up, and I’ll bring it back to the green room and you can drink the other quarter of it that you drank. Now it doesn’t work like that.

Steve Trevino: And we have been blessed and things are moving forward in my career, and my agents and managers, they’re like “what do you want in your green room?”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: “What’s your writer?” and I’m like “I don’t need anything.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you’re a man.

Steve Trevino: And if I want something, there’s a full bar at every comedy club I work at, I’d just get it.

Captain Brien: Right, I think a lot of the writers, aren’t they just cookie cutters? Like, they’re not gonna re-write someone’s whole new-

Steve Trevino: Somebody told me that somebody asked for a German Shepherd puppy.

Captain Brien: At every show or just one?

Steve Trevino: No, at every show, a new puppy. What I remember, dude, you used to have the condo, first of all, it wasn’t even a condo. It was somebody’s house, it was Brien’s house. It was huge, it was a full-on house. And Brien would be like “oh, stay at the house.” And you’re like “what?” And I love to fish right, so the dock was back there, we could fish all night. So anyway, I get there, and there’s like three pairs of Air Force One’s.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And you know who wanted those.

Captain Brien: Yep, well I told that story before. The thing about it is that it’s not one pair for the four shows, or five shows, or six shows, no.

Steve Trevino: Every show.

Captain Brien: It’s a different pair every show, what are you doing with those?

Steve Trevino: Eddie Griffin wants a different pair of white on white Air Force Ones for every single show.

Captain Brien: Yup, every show, one time, funniest thing-

Steve Trevino: And he just left them behind.

Captain Brien: I had him in September and it was back to school. And they only make so many, I didn’t know this because it’s not like the hottest new shoes. They only made so many Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: Nobody wants these shoes.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and so they get like x amount, and then they’re like oh, they’re not making Air Force Ones again for like nine months.

Steve Trevino: Right.

Captain Brien: This is back to school.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, the Chinese people are tired.

Captain Brien: See, I didn’t know this, right? So what they do, is they ship ’em all out, when they’re gone, they’re gone. So you have to wait until the next-

Steve Trevino: Shipment, or whatever, right.

Captain Brien: So I said “Eddie,” and he goes “oh yeah, “that happens all the time, I know.” I’m like “oh, alright.” He goes “let’s go to the store, “and we’ll pick out something together.”

Steve Trevino: Like a date.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. So we go to the mall, we go in Foot Locker, and he picks out a pair of shoes that are $15 cheaper than the Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: He wants that 15 bucks.

Captain Brien: Dude he took the 15.

Steve Trevino: No.

Captain Brien: Yeah. He didn’t take the 15, he goes “damn, “you thought you were getting away “$15 cheaper, yo, throw some socks in.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: Yeah! He added the socks in until it got to the same price bro.

Steve Trevino: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: And I just died. I was like “I should totally record this.”

Steve Trevino: That’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: I know, I know

Steve Trevino: It’s unreal to me.

Captain Brien: But it happened!

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I’m very blue collar, I grew up, my dad is a welder, pipe fitter, my dad was always like “hey man, work hard” you know. So to me that’s just unheard of.

Captain Brien: But he knew already how much they were and how much he was gonna spend.

Steve Trevino: “You owe me $15!”

Captain Brien: Yeah. He’s like “yo, yo, yo, you thought “you were getting away with that.” He said those words, “you’re getting away $15 cheaper.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Throw in some socks, throw in some socks, I died, dude. I just love the fact that he did that so I could tell this story.

Steve Trevino:  I couldn’t do it!

Captain Brien: I told the story a few times, it’s legit, 100% true.

Steve Trevino: I’m the kind of guy where, ’cause you know, sometimes I do the theater shows, and if I know that I have friends and family coming, I’ll ask for a bottle of Crown. Friends or family coming.

Captain Brien: Now you ask for a bottle of Captain Brien’s, vodka or rum, or gin right?

Steve Trevino: Well, my wife would probably love your vodka. I’m not a vodka guy myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Steve Trevino: So you know, I ask for a bottle of Crown, right? And I’m the kind of guy that I’ve gone back there and it’s not there and I’m just like oh, okay. I’m not gonna be like “wait a minute.”

Captain Brien: No, oh no.

Captain Brien: “Where the hell is my bottle of Crown?”

Captain Brien: The whole show’s gotta stop.

Steve Trevino: “I’m not going on stage.”

Captain Brien: I go, “Eddie, you can’t smoke on stage anymore, “they just changed the rules.” He goes, “Oh okay, okay Captain. “Eddie Griffin no smoking, Eddie Griffin no showing.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: He was dead serious. They were dead serious, so I literally had to have the fire marshal at the show stand outside while he smoked, he said it was a prop onstage. The new contract that I just did, I was trying to bring him back in April, right now, hadn’t had him in a few years. Hadn’t had him for like three years. I’m trying to bring him back in April. It says Eddie Griffin must smoke onstage or else there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: Well I mean, Chapelle does that.

Captain Brien: He must be able to smoke onstage, or there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: But there’s a law, right? Where it’s like a prop, right, onstage.

Captain Brien: That’s what he says, “so I’m going with a prop.”

Steve Trevino: On stage you’re allowed to almost do anything as “art” and the cigarette is part of that.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, it’s not like the whole audience is toking up, it’s just the guy on the show that’s doing it.

Steve Trevino: I wanna see, oh, I’m looking at my phone. I wanna see if it’s coming out of my deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it must be, no?

Steve Trevino: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, if you’re watching on Steve’s channel right now, on his Facebook, ’cause we’re live, Steve Trevino, my guest on The Captain’s Log, say hi, leave a message below.

Steve Trevino: Oh, it’s working.

Captain Brien: It’s working, it’s working! We’re good, yes.

Steve Trevino: It’s also 7:47-

Captain Brien: 100%, yeah of course. Okay, so I’m gonna send out an email for people to watch it, by the time the weekend ends, I’d bet we hit 35,000, maybe 50, what do you think?

Steve Trevino: Wow that’s awesome, I think that’s great.

Captain Brien: Maybe 50, I’ll call for 50.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I follow you on Facebook, so I’ll be like, last week you had my friend Vicky Barbolak, who I-

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s a doll.

Steve Trevino: Absolutely love, but I see all your little episodes.

Captain Brien: Thanks, buddy.

Steve Trevino: I hate when I say, your little episodes. Like when people come up to me and go, “oh, your little show.”

Captain Brien: Tell me a joke, funny man, do a dance.

Steve Trevino: My little show, it’s my life. It’s what I do for a living.

Captain Brien: Oh, I get it all day, I get it all day. But I actually, because I’ve been doing it now, steady for like almost a year, I like when people say that they see the show, no matter what. Even if they ate it, I don’t care, they see it.

Steve Trevino: Check it out, right.

Captain Brien: You watch it.

Steve Trevino: Well, the idea of a Captain’s Log is awesome.

Captain Brien: You think it’s funny, is that cheesy?

Steve Trevino:  No, well, I remember when you first booked me years ago, and it was like, oh, Captain Brien’s restaurant, I’m like, “oh, that’s a cool name for a restaurant.” And then you get there and you’re like “oh, this is an awesome restaurant.” And then I’m like “hey Brien,” and you’re like “no, it’s actually Captain Brien.” And I’m like “no, no, no.” You’re like a real captain.

Captain Brien: That really helped me in the industry those days because calling LA and being like “hey it’s Captain Brien”, they’re like, “what is this?”

Steve Trevino: Captain Brien’s calling.

Captain Brien: What is this dude doing?

Steve Trevino: The captain is calling, hold on.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember thinking to myself, there’s no way you’re a real captain. And then you started to explain to me, “no, no, no, I’m a boat captain.” I’m like, “oh, you’re for real Captain Brien.”

Captain Brien: Right, but we fished twice right?

Steve Trevino:  I fished with you one time.

Captain Brien: One time.

Steve Trevino: And then you set me up with Captain Buddy.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Steve Trevino: And Captain Buddy took me out fishing, and I caught the biggest jewfish I ever caught in my life. It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: That is awesome.

Steve Trevino: 500 pounds or whatever it was, it was huge.

Captain Brien: Do you see those videos on Instagram of them hooking them on the docks now?

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that was you.

Steve Trevino: We should have videoed that. Yeah, he took like a hard head, cut the barbs off, and then sent it down, and he was like, “just hang on.” And then sure enough, it was unreal.

Captain Brien: It just takes you.

Steve Trevino: It was awesome.

Captain Brien: It takes you.

Steve Trevino: Which, by the way, anybody watching, I love to fish, let’s go Saturday morning, take me out.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, you’re watching the Captain’s Log. I’m heading out of town tomorrow ’cause I have to be at some birthday party or something in Las Vegas

Steve Trevino: Sorry about your life, Brian.

Captain Brien: I need somebody to DM because Steve wants to go fishing.

Steve Trevino: Let’s go.

Captain Brien: He’s a pretty good fisherman, so you better bring your A game because he wants to put it on ’em. You wanna bring fish home to eat though, yeah? Or do you just wanna catch and release?

Steve Trevino: I catch and release, but we always keep at least one or two, because your restaurant will always cook it up for you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’ll cook it for you.

Steve Trevino: Which is freakin’ awesome. I think I caught a snook here for the first time.

Captain Brien: Redfish, snapper, right.

Steve Trevino: Growing up, we were catching redfish, we catch redfish, speckled trout, black drum. But out here you get the snapper, you get the snooks, which are like redfish on steroids. The tarpon are unbelievable to catch, you know. So it’s nice to come out and catch different things than what I’m used to.

Captain Brien: Which is always fun.

Steve Trevino: Yeah

Captain Brien: Did you bring any gear or no?

Steve Trevino: No gear.

Captain Brien: You don’t need it. Make sure you guys have enough gear for Steve, he’s coming. Anyway I have plenty of rods, so I’ll hook you up.

Steve Trevino: In Colorado in April, thank you so much John, man, I appreciate you, thank you.

Captain Brien: Come do it, come do it, you can’t miss Steve. Hysterical show, how long have we been working together now?

Steve Trevino: Well, what’s funny is remember Gary Mankey?

Captain Brien: I do.

Steve Trevino: Gary was the one that was booking me back in the day when, and again-

Captain Brien: Have you seen him lately?

Steve Trevino: I haven’t seen him in forever.

Captain Brien: I haven’t either.

Steve Trevino: I just remember one night. So, Brien would put us up in a house and next door was his parent’s house, and his parents had a pool. So your parents were out of town, and we thought Gary had died.

Captain Brien: Every day I think Gary might die. There is not a doubt that could happen.

Steve Trevino: Everybody’s like, “where’s Gary?” We had been drinking and partying. And it was like “I don’t know, man.” And somebody goes, he’s in the pool next door. So when we got there he was passed out in a tube just floating in the middle of the pool. And I’m like “oh my god, he’s dead!

Captain Brien: That had to be a sight for sore eyes, too, oh my god.

Steve Trevino: It’s like five in the morning, he’s dead.

Captain Brien: That’s so funny.

Steve Trevino: So then of course, the next morning, he’s up at like 9 AM.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh no, he doesn’t quit.

Steve Trevino: Making coffee.

Captain Brien: No way, does not quit. It’s like he bounces back dude, I don’t get it.

Steve Trevino: So that’s how I have known you, and then-

Captain Brien: If we called Mickey, oh, it’s 9 o’ clock. If I call at six o’ clock in the morning, he’s like “hey Cap, what’s up, doing radio.” I’m like “yeah.

Steve Trevino: He’s been 60 since I met him. He’s one of those dudes, I met him 20 years ago, he was 60.

Captain Brien: That is so funny.

Steve Trevino: If I saw him today, he’s 60.

Captain Brien: That’s hysterical.

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable. But that’s how long I’ve known you. And then one year was the first time I’ve ever brought my wife, because you had me here for Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then you had me over at your home.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, we had Thanksgiving at the house.

Steve Trevino: I will never forget.

Captain Brien: That was great!

Steve Trevino: That was so nice of your family, which by the way, your parents, they’re like a cartoon version of a 50 year married couple.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Steve Trevino: Right, that’s exactly what they are. But, I got to know your family, you, over the years. It’s just been great coming down to southwest Florida and having the opportunity to fish, to hang out, to do the show in a club that’s not your typical comedy club.

Captain Brien: Right, we’ve kinda expanded now. We used to be like 50% comedy, 50% restaurant. Now it’s more like 90% comedy, and 10% restaurant, on the off times. Everybody eats, which is always so great that people come and they eat.

Steve Trevino: Have a nice dinner, right.

Captain Brien: Because then it’s like a whole night out. It’s not just like “ha, ha, let’s go get some laughs.”

Steve Trevino: Drink a beer and have a laugh.

Captain Brien: So they stay, so then they keep coming back. That’s what has helped us so much, is that they can just do it whenever, even if they’re hungry and they wanna laugh, they can do it.

Steve Trevino: Well you know our friends Rich and Cathy, who come down here all the time, they’re like “Steve, we love the food there.” Not only do they like to go to the comedy club, the food’s good.

Captain Brien: They need to call me more, they never text me or anything when they wanna come to a show and I know that they come.

Steve Trevino: They just pay, right?

Captain Brien: They probably have enough money, so that’s okay.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, they’re fine.

Captain Brien: Tell ’em not to call me, everyone else does that.

Steve Trevino: But Rich and Cathy, they’re class acts like that. And that’s why we get along with ’em, they’re working class Pittsburg.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Steve Trevino: You know what I mean? Which, by the way, what do you think there’s more of in Florida? Steelers fans or Patriots fans?

Captain Brien: Dude I don’t know.

Steve Trevino: It’s both. It’s definitely both.

Captain Brien: Because I’m from New England, probably my side I’d say Patriots, because a lot of people around me are New England fans. But, imagine being in Pittsburgh right now, or freakin’ somewhere where it’s three degrees.

Steve Trevino: Oh no, no.

Captain Brien: Boston right now, Boston, three degrees when I told you this morning.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, but Boston people don’t care. They’re out, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’ve been there, I was in Chicago, I’ve been in Boston. Being a Texas guy, I’m like, “there’s no way “these people are going out.”

Captain Brien: Yeah I know.

Steve Trevino: It’s over.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s done.

Steve Trevino:  But they don’t care, they’re out there with their shovels, getting the day going.

Captain Brien: When I was in Boston back in college, when it was like 45 or 50 and if it was sunny, you crank down the windows and act like it’s a beach day.

Steve Trevino: Put my flip flops on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you act like it’s something special. And now I’m like, it’s 40 degrees out, it’s freezing.

Steve Trevino: This is miserable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, this is ridiculous.

Steve Trevino: What’s wrong with this place?

Captain Brien: So I guess it just depends what you’re used to, because who would do that today, goddamn.

Steve Trevino: Well, Florida’s one of those places, too, where it’s literally thunder storming and people that don’t know are like, well the day’s done, oh no, give it 10.

Captain Brien: Yeah no, it’s coming back in five.

Steve Trevino: Give it 10 minutes.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Steve Trevino: Sun will be out, everything will be dry again.

Captain Brien: What time is it, oh it’s three o’ clock? Yeah, by 4:15, everything’s gone.

Steve Trevino: Dry, you wouldn’t even know it freakin’ rained.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then the storm pushes through.

Captain Brien: I know, I know.

Steve Trevino: But it’s so nice to be here man, I love coming to your club and hanging out.

Captain Brien: I appreciate that, we love having you because again, first of all, everybody that comes gets one hell of a show. That’s the other thing, like you have some people that can’t sell a ticket, and that’s great. You have some people that can sell out every show. But at the end of the day, the clubs want a show that’s funny. They want the show that people are gonna love.

Steve Trevino: I remember I had just put one out, I had just put out “Relatable” on Netflix, and I performed at your club. And you were like “Steve, you’re gonna blow up.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: In my head I was like “well thanks, but I haven’t, “and I can’t wait for it to happen.” But you were like “no, no, no, trust me, I’m telling you it’s gonna happen.” And then sure enough man, people caught on to the video memes and the clips, and now we’re on the next special after that called “Till Death”, which my wife and I produced ourselves, but it’s just been cool to see the growth in markets and fans. And you were booking me before I had fans. You were just like, “Steve’s funny, I’ll bring him in.”

Captain Brien: Well I mean yeah, you can’t deny funny, it doesn’t matter if people know you or not. If that is funny, especially with the internet now, that’s how you become so successful. When you put something out that’s funny, that’s undeniable, it doesn’t matter if I tell the joke, or you tell the joke. If it’s a funny damn joke that whoever told wrote it, that’s what people are gonna laugh at. You don’t laugh harder because some famous dude told it.

Steve Trevino: It’s a joke, what’s great to me is comics will call me and they’re like “Steve, “how do you do it what’s the deal man, what’s with the video, how do you do it, I put out a video.” And I’m like “well maybe I’m funny.”

Captain Brien: Maybe somebody laughed.

Steve Trevino: Maybe my stuff’s good enough to share.

Captain Brien: Right

Steve Trevino:  And now you’re mad at me because nobody shared any of your stuff.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Steve Trevino: Kyle White, what’s up my man?

Captain Brien: Hey Kyle, what’s going on?

Steve Trevino: I can’t tell you how many comics call me and go, “what’s the secret?” I go “I don’t know, I’m funny!”

Captain Brien: Right, exactly, the secret is, I told a joke that actually people laughed at.

Steve Trevino:  That people like, you can put the meme all you want, but they don’t like it.

Captain Brien: And people don’t share everything. To get people to share stuff, it’s a work of art right now.

Steve Trevino: I was just seeing this thing on the news about the secret-

Captain Brien: Hey Biggs, what’s up buddy, we’re pulling in right now.

Steve Trevino: All these advertisers, what’s the secret to going viral, and they’re like, “we’d love to know that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s no secret, the secret is that people have to enjoy what they want. They have to give a shit enough to put it on their so everybody sees it.

Steve Trevino:  And I’m a snob when it comes to the video sharing. If it comes up on my page, on my feed a couple times, I ignore it, but then 10 times later, I’m like “alright, now I gotta see.” The “Linda” thing, I was so far behind on the train, because it was this little boy, I’m not interested.

Captain Brien: You gotta see what it’s all about. Well guys, you’re gonna see what it’s all about. See Steve at Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend. I’m Captain Brien, this is the Captain’s Log, Steve Trevino, buddy, we gotta do this again. Okay, thanks guys, be out.

S2:E12 The Captain’s Log with Kelsey Craft and Captain Brien!

Captain Brien gets the opportunity to interview a beauty queen! Miss Estero, Kelsey Craft, joins Captain Brien to discuss what it was like being a part of the Miss Florida competition. Kelsey finished in the top 5!!!

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Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back, this show is just for the guys. This is Miss Estero,Kelsey Craft who just competed in Miss Florida USA, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, last weekend.

Captain Brien: I’m so excited. Kelsey’s been on the show many times but I don’t think you ever sat shotgun, did you?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, when I gave you your Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh, you did when you gave me the Botox.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: All right. So now it’s all about you today, it’s all about you.

Kelsey Craft: Uh oh.

Captain Brien: Yes, I need to know all the good stuff. So you competed. First of all, you did a whole regiment getting up, getting ready for this?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How long did you get ready for it? Tell me the moves.

Kelsey Craft: You know, it was a lot of mental preparation, but I think I officially decided to compete in September.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And originally, the pageant was supposed to be in November and they pushed it back to January. So I had a little more time to mentally prepare, and physically prepare.

Captain Brien: Oh wow, they moved it? I got a little lucky. Yeah, they did.

Kelsey Craft: Why’d they move it?

Captain Brien: Because the Chrisley’s, you know from Chrisley Knows Best, Todd Chrisley, they own that franchise, the Florida USA. So Chrisley productions was putting it on and based on their production team and stuff, they needed a preview day.

Captain Brien: Gotcha. The damn production always screws things up. It screws up my comedy shows, it screws up everything. The only production team I really like is the one on the Captains Log.

Kelsey Craft: Oh okay, of course.

Captain Brien: It’s like legit.

Kelsey Craft: You’re hard to please.

Captain Brien: Yeah. They always are on time. They know what I wanna know. They know what I’m thinkin’. It’s amazing.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah well, but you wouldn’t do good in pageants then because a lot of is hurry up, wait, and do the things that you need to do to be a part of a team that’s making a production.

Captain Brien: All right, so tell me you put your mind to it. You were like, you told me like, Captain, I’m gonna do, I’m gonna run, this is my last time. Because I guess they have a certain restrictions, correct?

Kelsey Craft: Gosh, I know. I don’t know who decided that a random age of under 28 is the requirement to be a Miss, but.

Captain Brien: Wow, right?

Kelsey Craft: I aged out, yeah.

Captain Brien: So, you basically started, you started working out, I know that.

Kelsey Craft: I didn’t start working out.

Captain Brien: No, but you got serious about it.

Kelsey Craft: You know, the working out has never been an issue, it’s the meal preparation.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: It really is. When you’ve been active your whole life, that people talk about like the last five pounds and things like that.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: To be stage ready versus, Florida beach ready is a different concept.

Captain Brien: So wait, so there’s two different ones?

Kelsey Craft: I think so, yeah.

Captain Brien: We need to post a before and after like the Florida beach picture versus stage picture. So you’re skinnier on the stage one or the beach one?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Which one is better?

Kelsey Craft: Stage.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause there’s a difference between okay, I’m goin’ to the beach, I’m minding my own business and like laying there, I don’t care what everybody else is doing.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But when you’re on stage in front of hundreds of people, thousands including those watching online, you wanna look good.

Captain Brien: So you had to like, be banging.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I lost 11 pounds.

Captain Brien: Did you really?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I did.

Captain Brien: Oh, my goodness.

Kelsey Craft: And it’s so interesting ’cause so many people will go, you don’t need to lost weight or you know, when they see you in my scrubs.

Captain Brien: Where did it come, did it come from, did it come straight off the booty?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: What!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You added to the booty?

Kelsey Craft: You know, you do exercises to keep it the right size. It really is changing your physic. I mean, I dwindled my waist a little bit, my legs were slimmer, they gotta look long on stage.

Captain Brien: Did you have to get a trainer?

Kelsey Craft: I had a trainer that was training me virtually from Rhode Island.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness. So, oh, so you were like Face Timing?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, like we would text all the time and–

Captain Brien: Walk me through it, were you like, how’s this look daddy? Eh, eh.

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, it wasn’t like that?

Kelsey Craft: They’re a very respectable and respectful–

Captain Brien: All right, ’cause I thought they might do that.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, my trainer actually, I was recommended him by a friend who’d worked with him before.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: He’s actually got a long wait list so I felt very fortunate that he accepted me.

Captain Brien: He put you to the top damn it! You were gonna freakin’ be Miss USA.

Kelsey Craft: I was going–

Captain Brien: He better!

Kelsey Craft: I was like this is serious, I’m giving it 100%.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I need to be accountable to somebody and there were before photos, progress photos, weigh-ins, and not like the cheat weigh-ins where I’m like, okay I’m gonna weigh-in on my best day and send in a picture from a few months ago.

Captain Brien: Yeah, like it’s seven in the morning.

Kelsey Craft: It was like feet on the scale, like holding your phone.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But I didn’t do feet on the scale ’cause I was like my phone’s gonna add like half a pound.

Captain Brien: I do that at the gym.

Kelsey Craft: So I got off the scale and took a picture of it.

Captain Brien: So you took the, I get it, I get it yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because you don’t want the phone, the phone weighs something.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so did you do it naked?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The scale every day?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You posted those?

Kelsey Craft: Just the feet.

Captain Brien: Oh just the feet, damn! I thought we were trying to get followers over here.

Kelsey Craft: Sorry, yeah no. Then I would be disqualified which is inappropriate.

Captain Brien: Yeah, were they strict about like everything because you didn’t wanna be on some of the shows because of the topics that we talked about some time, right?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think that it actually had anything to do with what the production team would necessarily say because it is my profession, being a healthcare provider.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But just in the sense of who’s watching, you gotta be neutral to all your audience and I wanna be a positive influence to young girls, so talking about certain topics might not be the best.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Kelsey Craft: For seventh graders to see.

Captain Brien: Of course, yeah because they follow you

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: And they respect you and they wanna be, they aspire to be you. Who doesn’t wanna be a beauty queen, right?

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: So this is, how many, what number pageant was the last one? You did so many and I know that you were Miss International in 2017.

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: So that’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: That yeah, that was huge.

Captain Brien: And that was–

Kelsey Craft: So some people would think I’m crazy, like why wouldn’t you just retire on top? Why wouldn’t you just like, go out with a bang? Why would you put yourself through that again? And I think that some people set limitations on you and you shouldn’t listen to that, so.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I know, I don’t listen to anyone.

Kelsey Craft: I am a late bloomer in pageant world. I didn’t start until I was 21. So I didn’t do the young stuff, I didn’t do teenage pageants, I didn’t even–

Captain Brien: Which probably was better. By the time you’re 21–

Captain Brien: You never know. You’re doing that non-stop like, don’t they start young?

Kelsey Craft: Some people start young, but I can’t really say better or not. You know, some people, this is a lifelong dream to be a role model and to have that experience and friendly competition.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: And each year you learn something–

Captain Brien: Is it friendly? Don’t tell me it’s friendly.

Kelsey Craft: I have been very fortunate.

Captain Brien: Those girls were catty. They must have been like, this bitch!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, never? They never gave you any of this, like shit?

Kelsey Craft: That’s such a misconception.

Captain Brien: I would have thought so.

Kelsey Craft: I think that some people in pageant world, and in the world in general, so we gotta apply this that people have this preconceived notions about pageantry. And you can completely apply it to real life. So if you go in to any competition or any pageant worrying about other people, all your energy is gonna be focused on those other people instead of focusing on being the best you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: You know, so it’s like you’re playing not to lose, instead of playing to win.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good positive inspiration for everybody watching right now.

Kelsey Craft: Oh gosh, yeah.

Captain Brien: Not just, not just on the big stage.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: Okay, was the Miss International stage bigger because that’s was the final level? Or was this at the state level, like a bigger platform for you?

Kelsey Craft: Numbers wise, it’s interesting. So Miss International spans women from all over the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: Okay? The theater itself was bigger, the price package in the sense of being an international title holder seems of grand scale. But I think when I competed for Miss International there was about 50 girls.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay.

Kelsey Craft: And last weekend at Florida USA there were 68 women competing.

Captain Brien: 68 women, okay. So now, this is the question I have. You represented Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: How did you get to become to Miss Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so to be considered to compete in the pageant you have to submit an application.

Captain Brien: From your city?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I filled out, you just fill out an application of why you wanna participate in Miss Florida USA, what your goals are, what you do, just kind of a little resume. And then the director or the executive producer will actually call you and kinda interview you, get to know you, make sure you have best of intentions and make sure that you’ll represent the organization well.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: The title is based on where you live. So you know, secret’s out, I live in Estero.

Captain Brien: So what if there was no people in Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Then, you know, We had a Miss Fort Myers, we had a Miss Lee County, we had a Miss Naples.

Captain Brien: Get them on the phone, I need them on the show.

Kelsey Craft: Cassidy.

Captain Brien: I need Miss Naples, Miss Fort Myers.

Kelsey Craft: Monique.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my God, Miss Bonita.

Captain Brien: I’m calling all you, Sarah.

Captain Brien: Freakin’ everyone! Miss Marco Island, I’m bringing them all damn it!

Kelsey Craft: We will load your car with all the pageant queens from West Florida.

Captain Brien: Yes!

Kelsey Craft: We represented well, yeah.

Captain Brien: So was anybody on your turf, and they were like, oh, damn Kelsey is in Estero, I better move to Bonita?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, no one did?

Kelsey Craft: Actually, my very first question in my interview was, so where is Estero? And I have to do it in reference, you know, it’s we’re 20 minutes north of Naples and I’m like, I’m here to put it on the map.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So hopefully, those people watching me from Estero are proud.

Captain Brien: You did Estero good.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You did, you did, you really banged it out.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: But no, come on! Seriously like, so how does only one person represent each city? I’m serious about that. So if somebody was like in Estero and they wanna do it too, would you have to compete?

Kelsey Craft: They might have to have a different title. So, we have to have delicate title for reference and where we’re representing and leading up to the pageant and afterwards. Where are you doing your most community service?

Captain Brien: You better tell, you better tell–

Kelsey Craft: You can have an East Orlando and a West Orlando, you can break it up.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: According to someone, they said that there were 1,200 applications received for the Miss and Teen, and they accepted 150. So it was a really big deal to even get to the point of being able to compete, very competitive.

Captain Brien: For the–

Kelsey Craft: For Miss Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah. So there was 1,200 applicants.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How many in those 1,200 in your mind were like, they flaked out after they sent the application?

Kelsey Craft: That is a concern, some probably were not accepted. But flaking out, there is something to be said about social media. There have been girls to see their competition and then bailout, because they’re worried like, why would I compete if so and so is gonna beat me? Which is just a losing mindset in and of itself.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So they shouldn’t be worried about who else is competing. I try to not concern myself with–

Captain Brien: Plus it’s about the message, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s not about who wins, or loses.

Kelsey Craft: Gosh! It should be about who wins in the sense of like, obviously you won it. Like I wasn’t training four to five days a week and eating out of Tupperware–

Captain Brien: Correct.

Kelsey Craft: If I wasn’t serious.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But there’s something about the process, you learn, you become a better person, you become disciplined. That when you’re preparing for something of an end goal, and this was actually my on-stage question.

Captain Brien: What was it?

Kelsey Craft: One of my on-stage questions was–

Captain Brien: Ooh, God!

Kelsey Craft: Are we hot?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. So one of my on-stage questions was, what is your biggest flaw and what do you do to overcome it? So first of all I was like, how come I got a negative question? But it really was of self-awareness. And I said, what are my biggest–

Captain Brien: But you killed the question.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: You were the superstar.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: I saw that on your Instagram, right?

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so I posted one of two, you haven’t seen the other one.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: The top five question I got was, what’s your biggest flaw and what have you done to overcome it? And that was like, oh you gotta think on the fly. I’m thinking, I snooze my alarm clock, I don’t call my grandma enough. But in reality my biggest flaw is sometimes I get so goal oriented that my life is broken up in segments of, okay, in three months I’m gonna compete for Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then in six months I wanna buy a house. And then, you know, you get to, but there’s beauty in the process. And I said, sometimes if we get so tunnel vision on what we’re trying to achieve, we miss the beauty all around us in what you’re learning, the relationships you’re building and how much you grow on the journey. So, that was mine.

Captain Brien: And they liked it?

Kelsey Craft: I think so.

Captain Brien: How many rounds were there?

Kelsey Craft: We did the interview, which is private, which no one gets to see. So sometimes when people go to watch the on-stage they have their favorite and they’re like, well, how did so and so get in the top? And I didn’t like their gown. Well, there’s an individual interview that goes on behind the scenes before we ever get to the stage. So that factors into a third of your score. And then everyone competes in swimsuit, and then everybody competes in the evening gown. Based on those three scores–

Captain Brien: What color swimsuit did you wear?

Kelsey Craft: I wore red. I was the only blonde in red.

Captain Brien: Red?

Kelsey Craft: Which apparently is like a bold move.

Captain Brien: Strong!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Strong move.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A thong, or regular?

Kelsey Craft: No, full.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: Full covered.

Kelsey Craft: Role model.

Captain Brien: I would have guessed thong.

Kelsey Craft: I wish.

Captain Brien: No.

Kelsey Craft: No, just kidding.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: Good coverage, you actually use glue to keep your swimsuit–

Captain Brien: Do you have a special one that you have to wear, ’cause I think– I’m assuming that everyone has to wear like pre-approved bathing suits.

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so we all got to choose our own swim wear. We were trying to set the tone for Florida USA being fashion forward, think Miami swim week vibe. So people got to wear prints and colors and styles. And then the top 15, which I made, we were sponsored by Vizcaya Swimwear and they gave each of the top 15 a standard white swimsuit to wear.

Captain Brien: Wait, so everybody had to be in the same one?

Kelsey Craft: In the same swimsuit.

Captain Brien: Wow, so then you’re really going apples to apples.

Kelsey Craft: Uh, you think about integrity–

Captain Brien: Literally on the apples.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: You think about integrity in certain situations and pageantry can really show people’s true colors, too. ‘Cause I think back after the fact of how I act, how I behave, how I treat people. And we show up, once we were announced in the top 15, we show up to a station. They know who made the top 15 and they set up our bag and our clothes. And you have a table of everything that you need to get ready for.

Captain Brien: Is it all in the same day?

Kelsey Craft: Well, prelims were one day and the we show up.

Captain Brien: So then, the day you show up, there’s 15?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: So, we show up and we compete on stage on Friday.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: All 68, yes. On Saturday, everyone shows up and is lined up on stage. So when the audience is finding out who the 15 is, so are we.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So, imagine the nerves, like.

Captain Brien: So you are, like.

Kelsey Craft: I couldn’t ask my friends to buy tickets to both shows. So I was like, okay well, let’s hope I make top 15 so you can actually watch me compete.

Captain Brien: Oh damn!

Kelsey Craft: So it’s like, don’t come to Saturday.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they could have been and weren’t there?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: But you are.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: My gal! All right.

Kelsey Craft: You’re standing up on stage with all of the other women and you’re just hoping that they announce your name. There was like six people before before me, and I was like, now you’re doing the math like, oh, there’s only nine spots left so now I’m one in nine shot.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And it just goes down and down.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And so that’s really interesting.

Captain Brien: At what point were you like, holy crap-ola! I don’t know if I’m gonna do it.

Kelsey Craft: When they announced top six, the first six, and there’s no order.

Captain Brien: There was nine left.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. I think I was the seventh or something, I don’t remember when I was announced.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: I wasn’t–

Captain Brien: What if it went down to like number two?

Kelsey Craft: The last one!

Captain Brien: Would you have been dying?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. So, what they do is you’re announced in the top 15 and then everyone else goes back stage, and then the top 15 will be brought out individually for their own stage question, which is the one I shared with you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: We can share later.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then, after you’re introduced as hello, I’m Miss Estero here’s my question, then everyone re-competes in the swimsuit and evening gowns. Scores are wiped clean, so now it’s only you versus the other 14.

Captain Brien: And you’re telling me the girls aren’t talking about the girls in the swimsuits. Regular girls at the beach are talking about girls on the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe. Okay, we showed up to day one. We do an orientation, we do one hour, hello! Welcome, get ready for an exciting weekend. By the way we’re doing a photoshoot, so go get your bikinis on and we’re gonna go outside the hotel in front of the fountain. So we’re all standing there, don’t even know first name basis and talk about staying in your lane and not comparing yourself to other people. And you’re standing there in your bikini going, okay, who’s got a better body?

Captain Brien: Right!

Kelsey Craft: And do I have a shot?

Captain Brien: You must have been thinking?

Kelsey Craft: I was like, don’t look at other people.

Captain Brien: You had to be weeding some out.

Kelsey Craft: No, ’cause really what my thought process was is–

Captain Brien: I would have totally been. I would have been, got them!

Kelsey Craft: I got a four-pack, they only got a two-pack.

Captain Brien: Damn, I got them! Ooh damn, that guy is good. I’d have been, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I went in really trying to be focused on myself. And I went in with the confidence of saying, I did everything that I can do and there’s no going back, so seven if someone has a better physique, I know I had three months to prepare, I was strict with that, I made it very known. I was open with my co-workers, my friends. And at that point there’s nothing you can do to change it. So who cares who has a better body, it’s also how you carry yourself.

Captain Brien: Absolutely!

Kelsey Craft: The confidence that you have the style, the walk.

Captain Brien: It’s all about your swagger.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, it is.

Captain Brien: Okay, so keep going, I got a bunch of questions.

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so we walk into, we are now set in the top 15 and we go into the back room, the dressing room, and they’re like, next phase of competition you’re putting on a sponsored swimsuit. Well, we haven’t been sized or anything, so here I got at my station and my swimsuit is just in a bag and you’re like, I hope this fits!

Captain Brien: Right, so what the heck, how did they know?

Kelsey Craft: They just–

Captain Brien: You had to send your size?

Kelsey Craft: No, I mean, they just kind, you know, mediums are safe bet and whatever. Well, I got next to the girl who, her physic was larger than mine, not overweight, I’m saying that she just had bigger chested naturally, things like that. So she gets in her bag and her top is an extra small. And she’s like, this is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I was like, you know, I’m really proud of myself looking back, I was like–

Captain Brien: Wait, did she have–

Kelsey Craft: You can have my–

Captain Brien: Did she have some surgery?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: They weren’t enhanced?

Kelsey Craft: This is not important.

Captain Brien: That’s important to me!

Kelsey Craft: The important part is, I looked at her and said, you know what, you cannot wear an extra small. You can have my medium.

Captain Brien: You took one for the team.

Kelsey Craft: And I took the extra small. Not even realizing like maybe it’s gonna look bad on me. Is this gonna affect my score? It was, you know what, I was being kind in that moment.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Kelsey Craft: Looking back, ’cause in my photos I’m like I could have done with a little bit larger top, but it’s okay. It’s okay!

Captain Brien: I need to see those, I’ll be the judge of that.

Kelsey Craft: Okay.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna make sure.

Kelsey Craft: I did the swimsuit and then you go in, you re-compete in the evening gown. And after the evening gown, the top 15 come out and they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right then?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: So you can be– There’s like an intermission and then you’re all in the gown again. You’re lined up with all 15 hoping they call your name when they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: And then, was there any good drama? Did any of the girls just totally break down and cry?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No one argued?

Kelsey Craft: I’m really proud of–

Captain Brien: They weren’t like, this little B, I’m? Nothing?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You guys were professional.

Kelsey Craft: If it happened, I was unaware.

Captain Brien: You were on the top five, the other girls and the ones in the back they were arguing.

Kelsey Craft: There is always gonna be a level of disappointment, but I think that the women that I competed with I just got so lucky that everyone was mature, well-rounded, there for to really be exceptional women.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: I don’t really think I have anything negative to say about anyone who competed or their experience.

Captain Brien: No, I don’t think so, but there could have been other women that weren’t as sweet, kind, and professional as you.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe, hopefully no–

Captain Brien: That would be the fun part to hear about.

Kelsey Craft: Hopefully nobody was talking poorly of me when they were watching me on the stage though.

Captain Brien: So what were the ages?

Kelsey Craft: So the ages for Miss, I believe are 19 or 18 to 27.

Captain Brien: And there was women that were at the bottom of that age?

Kelsey Craft: You know, there were some 20-year-olds for sure. I don’t know everybody’s age. Like I said, there were 68 people.

Captain Brien: Were they all pros? I don’t know if they’re professional, but I would consider you a professional since you’ve been doing this and you were successful at it. Were they some like first-timers?

Kelsey Craft: They were first-timers for sure.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: There were first-timers. And that’s an amazing thing, because you gotta do it your first time at some point.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I started late, like I said. And then there was some seasoned vets. I mean, I was in the top five with a girl that– The girl who won was first runners up last year, and then in the top five the year before that. So, she was seasoned.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Another girl in top five was Miss Texas America, so she’s already competed in Miss America.

Captain Brien: Well wait, so what, now she’s representing Florida? Then she cheated.

Kelsey Craft: She lives in Texas, but she’s from Naples. If you live, work, spend majority of your time in a certain state, you can represent your home state.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: So at the time she was at home in Texas.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, so before.

Kelsey Craft: Before.

Captain Brien: At a different year.

Kelsey Craft: Yes, a different year.

Captain Brien: Gotcha!

Kelsey Craft: She was representing Texas.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And this year she snow resides in Naples, works in Naples, spends most of the time there.

Captain Brien: When she represented Texas, did she go to the big dance?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she went to Miss America.

Captain Brien: She did?

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she was Miss Texas America.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So here I am, formerly Miss International, top five. The runner up from last year was in the top five.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Miss Texas America from, I don’t know what year, but she was amazing. Another girl who, I think it was her first time at Florida USA, I’m not sure, but she had represented Puerto Rico at some worldwide pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: And then another

Captain Brien: I’m trying to read Scott’s. Is she gonna be your new spokesperson supermodel?

Kelsey Craft: Rum and vodka.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you know, she does it on the side.

Kelsey Craft: I gotta keep the figure, so I don’t know how much.

Captain Brien: Right, right

Kelsey Craft: And then the last girl that was in the top five, she was representing her platform and she was going and competing and giving it her all, first pageant ever, and had just gone through chemotherapy for breast cancer.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: At a young age.

Captain Brien: God bless her.

Kelsey Craft: In her 20s.

Captain Brien: Wow!

Kelsey Craft: So like four days after the pageant she actually went through the double mastectomy surgery.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: So talk about inspirational.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no kidding!

Kelsey Craft: Talk about competitive, and talk about stories worth sharing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, tough girl.

Kelsey Craft: So just to be in the top five, you’re disappointed it’s like, dang, I would have loved to go to Miss USA and I wanted to win. But it really just sit back and be just proud of the accomplishment making top five is huge.

Captain Brien: It’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: And even, for those who don’t make the top five or don’t make the top 15, just showing up is huge. Because there are thousands of people who don’t have that opportunity or are not brave enough to do so. So, props to everyone, because people judge pageants all they want, but it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

Captain Brien: It takes huge! Are you kidding me? Wait, people judge it? I don’t judge it.

Kelsey Craft: You don’t judge ’cause you like all the girls in swimsuits, but people have their preconceived notions about pageantry.

Captain Brien: Why do you just go right to the swimsuits?

Kelsey Craft: Because you just asked me for photo of those.

Captain Brien: This is embarrassing Kelsey. You’re talking and just saying I only like girls in swimsuits.

Kelsey Craft: You live in Florida.

Captain Brien: Well, I like the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what it is.

Kelsey Craft: I wonder why! So yeah, there’s a lot to be said just about showing up for things, putting yourself out there.

Captain Brien: Absolutely! I can’t imagine! Okay, it’s gotta be super hard too, when you get to question and you’ve seen all the fail videos, right.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: And now it’s gonna even more pressure on, you know?

Kelsey Craft: You know, looking back, you know the phrase hindsight 20/20. Looking back, there’s ways that I could have answered my question better. And you always think like, oh in that moment that was the best I could have done. And I reflect, and it depends on what your focus is.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Because my thing was, is I just wanna be likable, relatable and I wanna be real. So I went in and that was my answer.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: However, in my heart, I had told everyone, okay I have a plan, I know I’d be a great Florida USA because of X, Y and Z. Well, if you don’t communicate that in your opportunity to do in your individual interview or your on-stage question, the judges don’t know that. You can’t make an assumption that people can read your mind. Like, she’d be a great Florida USA because she plans to do X, Y, Z, if you do not verbalize it. So there was a fear of messing up, there’s always a fear of misspeaking.

Captain Brien: Speaking of messing up, what was your talent? Did you have a talent?

Kelsey Craft: There was no talent in ours.

Captain Brien: Wait! There’s no talent competition?

Kelsey Craft: In the Miss America Pageant there’s the talent.

Captain Brien: So Miss USA no?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, Miss USA no talent.

Captain Brien: Miss USA all the talent goes to the swimsuit competition.

Kelsey Craft: Miss USA is 30% interview, you know, a third interview, a third swimsuit, a third evening gown, and then on-stage question.

Captain Brien: I was close then, I was close.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They mix it up. So te evening gown, how did you pick out your evening gown?

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh! Back in June I was in Rhode Island with a friend, she works at a gown store. It sounds so bizarre, but I was in Providence and I go, that’s a beautiful gown. I go, if I decide to do Florida USA that’s the gown I’m wearing.

Captain Brien: What color was it?

Kelsey Craft: It was blue.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And they were like, oh okay. I said, can I try it on now so I know? And it was too expensive, so they were like, okay, you can’t try this on unless you’re planning on buying a gown from us.

Captain Brien: No way!

Kelsey Craft: So I go, well, that’s my gown if I compete and I didn’t even get to try it on. Well, they ended up having a sale and remembered me saying how much I love that gown, even just in the bag. And they were so serendipitous, they messaged me, this gown is going on sale and before we bring it to a trunk show we wanna offer it to you, so it’s 40% off.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: And then it was my gown. Then this is in October.

Captain Brien: That was made for you. That’s why.

Kelsey Craft: I picked it out in June and it was still available in October 40% off, and I pride myself, I’m never buying anything full price and I was like, yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. I like to buy a deal too.

Kelsey Craft: You got yourself a deal.

Captain Brien: I get deals.

Kelsey Craft: It just made it that much prettier to know that it was cheap.

Captain Brien: 100%, I feel the same way. If I get a deal on suit, I’m loving that suit. It’s like, yeah!

Kelsey Craft: And this gown was so beautiful, but then I got upset when I lost weight and the gown was too big, one week before the pageant that I actually had an amazing alteration.

Captain Brien: Jocelyn says it was gorgeous.

Kelsey Craft: Aw, thank you Jocelyn, oh she’s so sweet. I know her from previous pageants. And so I got upset because I had lost weight, and so if you need alterations in Naples, First Class Alterations on 41, they’re awesome. They are awesome.

Captain Brien: Where are they?

Kelsey Craft: They’re on 41. Oh my gosh, and there’s also a jewelry store that I always go to, Beckner Jewelry.

Captain Brien: Is that right next to Jimmy P’s?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, my geography is terrible.

Captain Brien: Is it across from cheesecake factory?

Kelsey Craft: No, I don’t know. I’m representing Estero, not Naples, so Google Map First Class Alterations.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause they’re awesome. Tell them Kelsey sent you, they’re just so sweet. And they’ve done six of my gowns, and if I can trust them with my gowns you can trust them with your suits and your pants.

Captain Brien: Totally!

Kelsey Craft: And all that.

Captain Brien: Totally, yeah! I think I use them once in a while.

Kelsey Craft: They’re so great.

Captain Brien: If I remember where they are.

Kelsey Craft: Thinking about that, when you’re preparing for something that’s so big, one thing I’ve learned through competing and preparing for pageants is that people should not be getting in your way. Does that make sense? Like you think, I don’t have the time, I can’t call so and so, I can’t go see my friends. And you get so tunnel focused on what you’re doing that you don’t realize that there’s people around you that you actually need to help you. You know?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I needed a good alterations person. I needed an accountable trainer, I needed an interview practice coach.

Captain Brien: I thought I was doing that for you, the interviewing?

Kelsey Craft: I guess you could have.

Captain Brien: I guess that’s why you made so many Captain’s Log appearances.

Kelsey Craft: What would you have asked me if you were a judge on the pageant?

Captain Brien: Oh, if I was a judge.

Kelsey Craft: If you were a judge on the pageant what would you ask?

Captain Brien: Legit?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: If I was a judge I would say, good evening Kelsey, thank you for joining us tonight. We appreciate it, your gown is beautiful. I’d like to know what your views are on the world economy today.

Kelsey Craft: Wow! So would you consider that political or just economical?

Captain Brien: No, I’d say that’s just economical.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. Do you want me to answer?

Captain Brien: Yeah, maybe let’s play. Let’s play a little.

Captain Brien: Let’s play a game, okay. There’s definitely room for improvement in our economy right now. To be in debt nationwide, trillions of dollars is unacceptable. And we’re giving back to certain organizations and other countries before taking care of ourselves and making sure that we’re protected from a security standpoint, a military standpoint, and education.

Captain Brien: Knocked it out of the park. I would have said you killed it.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Captain Brien: Right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, we shouldn’t be in debt.

Captain Brien: I agree 100%, it’s wild.

Kelsey Craft: There are some questions that–

Captain Brien: If we ran our business the way the government runs it, we’d all be out of it.

Kelsey Craft: We’d have 14,000 credit card.

Captain Brien: What would we do? Sorry, I had to–

Kelsey Craft: He’s not watching, why is he not watching?

Captain Brien: I don’t know what he’s doing.

Kelsey Craft: Why does he know you’re doing this?

Captain Brien: Unbelievable, I get no respect for my dad he’s not watching.

Kelsey Craft: But I joked about this with Dr. Dollar actually. We were at work and we were talking about questions that you can mentally be prepared for. And some of these questions that you’ll see online, people messing up their answers and stuff. I’m really sarcastic. So I think like, if I knew the answer to that question I would not be here, I’d be political office, vice president already.

Captain Brien: Right, exactly! I agree totally, I heard some of these questions, it’s like, who’s asking that question? Like, really where did you get that question? I feel the same way.

Kelsey Craft: So you have to remember if you’re ever watching a pageant on TV, if you watch the upcoming Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA, whatever it is, be gracious to the girls that are answering. Because it’s not necessarily I have this solution to all of the world problems. It’s how you conduct yourself under pressure, how do you speak, how are you relatable? How are you gonna deal when you get asked questions on the fly if were at an appearance representing this organization, and that’s more important.

Captain Brien: That’s exactly, I think, something you hit right on the head. Because, first of all, even if they give the world’s best question, answer to the question, what is someone gonna do? They’re not really gonna act on it right then and there. So it’s like, they just wanna know how you act under those circumstances of the pressure I think.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right? They’re not asking questions that you’re gonna solve. Are they?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think so. I mean, maybe someone was watching and was like, good idea, let’s do that.

Captain Brien: That would be amazing, then it would be all worth it.

Kelsey Craft: What’s interesting is that Miss Naples was asked, her question I believe was something like, what would be a law, if you could create any law what would it be? And hers had something to do with balancing the budget. I don’t know how that’s a law.

Captain Brien: And she did good?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, I didn’t watch. ‘Cause when I say you gotta stay in your lane and you gotta be your best, it’s la-la-la, I’m not listening to what they’re saying.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because if you listen, what if they knocked it out of the park and you’re like, oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: You’re right.

Captain Brien: And you’re just dying, right, so much pressure.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I liked my first question when I was in top 15 better than my second question when I was in the top five. Because my top five question was, what’s your biggest flaw? But my top 15 question was, what do you wanna be remembered by? That’s the one that you watched online.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s the one I liked. You really did good with it.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: And I liked the whole, the charisma that you delivered it with, it was amazing.

Kelsey Craft: I almost started crying on stage, you could see how transparent I was. They’re like, how are you today? And it’s not like, I’m so blessed to be here. I was like, holy smokes, I have 10 people in the audience and I’m freaking out.

Captain Brien: You were worried?

Kelsey Craft: No, it was really special.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I said I’ve never had that much support at one event.

Captain Brien: That’s right, you said that.

Kelsey Craft: That’s a very meaningful moment to just– And they were people that I have encountered, they were friends from previous pageants, friends from work.

Captain Brien: They came.

Kelsey Craft: People from Orlando, people from this coast.

Captain Brien: I didn’t get an invite. No invite for me guys.

Kelsey Craft: Everyone was invited.

Captain Brien:I didn’t get the invite, I woulda went.

Kelsey Craft: And I had people that were helping me prepare via Skype sessions, I was doing makeup lessons on my patio. My neighbor was like, I’d be playing music and I’d be practicing my makeup in the true natural light, ’cause I didn’t know how to do my makeup until like two weeks before the pageant. So shout out to Constantine ’cause he taught me everything I know.

Captain Brien: Should we piggy-back right behind this guy?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, just follow him right through. And all of a sudden I hear my neighbor underneath my patio going, where’d the music go? So even my neighbor knew that I was preparing. And like when you have something that’s so important to you, you have to share it with the world. And I think that’s another lesson too. ‘Cause had I just gone in timid, people who go into something afraid to fail, or embarrassed they’re doing it, won’t have a good outcome.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Kelsey Craft: I was telling everybody, I’m competing for Miss Florida USA don’t let me eat the cookies from the farm wraps. My neighbor knew, my friends knew, my co-workers knew.

Captain Brien: It motivates you.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And it keeps you accountable.

Captain Brien: It does.

Kelsey Craft: And I think those things with the vision boards and setting goals is so important.

Captain Brien: Well, this was a pleasure. Thank you for dealing with all my jokes.

Kelsey Craft:  Just drop me off.

Captain Brien: I gotta get rid of her. This is it guys, with the Captain’s Log again. We’ve reached the final end here.

Kelsey Craft:  Let’s get you signed up to judge a local pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh, I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause you know what they do–

Captain Brien: I judged a chili competition once, is it the same?

Kelsey Craft:  No, that’s food tasting.

Captain Brien: Oh, damn.

Kelsey Craft:  You don’t get to do that.

Captain Brien: All right, well I’ll do it.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that we can get you signed up because what they do with the judges is they’re reputable people out in the community, business leaders, entrepreneurs.

Captain Brien: I would love that.

Kelsey Craft:  Motivational speakers, previous pageant contestants. But you’re involved in the community. So if we have a local pageant I think that–

Captain Brien: Can I go live and I’ll just video myself judging?

Kelsey Craft:  That’s weird. ‘Cause you’re obviously sitting there.

Captain Brien: Well, I don’t know, they might not want the whole pageant live.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that you can document your experience and how positive that it’s been.

Captain Brien: That would be awesome.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause I think you should put positive pageantry on the map.

Captain Brien: I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Thank you so much.

Kelsey Craft:  You cannot sponsor it with your alcohol though.

Captain Brien: I can’t?

Kelsey Craft:  No.

Captain Brien: Damn it! All right, well, I’ll try. I’ll put it out there and see what they say and then they’ll say no and I’ll say, okay, we’ll sponsor it just with off the hook comedy.

Captain Brien:  Put my logo in the magazine.

Captain Brien: All right, thank you so much for joining me. And I know you just got off work and you’ve had a long day, so it’s been a pleasure.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you. And if people have questions they can–

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, tell them how they can get a hold of you.

Kelsey Craft:  Well, I think that my link is now on here. So if people are watching and they’re interested in their kids doing pageants

Captain Brien: Yes.

Kelsey Craft:  And they want an honest feedback, I’ve done different systems and have had a great experience. So if people wanna do that–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like coaching.

Kelsey Craft:  I can do that, too.

Captain Brien: Or mentoring.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft:  Absolutely, I do that. I actually have a consulting company that I don’t share it too much, ’cause I’m busy. I’m happy to help in that regard. If you have local appearances that you want me at as Miss Estero or anything else I’m happy to do that. I’m actually going and hanging out with the girl scouts tonight. So even though the competition is over you still can do great things through that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it never ends.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Except this show ends.

Kelsey Craft:  This show ends.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’ll be live tomorrow.

S2:E11 The Captain’s Log with Medium Cindy Kaza and Captain Brien!

Evidential medium Cindy Kaza takes a ride with Captain Brien! Cindy is here to discuss her upcoming show at Off The Hook Comedy Club and even uses her special talents on Captain Brien! Tune in to hear what she has to say about some of Captain Briens future! It’s crazy how spot on she is!!!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Cindy Kaza out and show her some love at:



Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey guys.

Cindy Kaza: What’s up?

Captain Brien: Cindy Kaza’s back, my favorite, my only psychic medium, who am I kidding.

Cindy Kaza: I better be, don’t cheat on me.

Captain Brien: It’s not like I have a whole bunch. I only can have one person get that technical into my background, you know what I mean.

Cindy Kaza: You know.

Captain Brien: Like its too much, it’s too much for me.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah I know, there’s a lot to see in there.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, it’s a lot, it’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: Too much. I still can’t figure this out, I am refreshing this,

Captain Brien:  Wait so there you go, so what’s up. That’s us right there.

Cindy Kaza: Oh it is, oops I’m sorry.

Cindy Kaza:  But I don’t know what weird thing is right there.

Cindy Kaza: See I don’t know what’s happening either. He needs to help, don’t smash into that car.

Captain Brien: I can’t, look that’s us.

Cindy Kaza: Oh wow, alright. So share that.

Captain Brien: There ya go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re good, you’re good.

Cindy Kaza: Let’s hit share. Share…

Captain Brien: So we’re back.

Cindy Kaza:  Share, copy link, or share?

Captain Brien: You can just share it.

Cindy Kaza: Write post?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, and good, hit it.

Cindy Kaza:  Post. Posted, alright, yeah.

Captain Brien:  Alright, now shut it off, ’cause everyone can hear us.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh good, alright now can I stop this?

Captain Brien: Yeah. It’s a good thing you psychic because we would see into the future of us potentially failing on that.

Cindy Kaza: Look, it takes a village, don’t make fun of me.

Captain Brien:  Right, right. So we’re just in Fort Myer’s, what a day, it’s a little chilly but it’s beautiful out, Right?

Cindy Kaza: It is nice and it’s not raining. It’s been raining like crazy here.

Captain Brien:  Yeah when did you here?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh see, I got here on Saturday.

Captain Brien: Oh, and you’re stayin in Bonita.

Cindy Kaza: I’m stayin in Bonita.

Captain Brien: And it’s raining and cold the whole time.

Cindy Kaza: Pretty much, yeah. Pretty much.

Captain Brien:  It was freezing, for Florida, especially.

Cindy Kaza: Yep.

Captain Brien: For other parts of the country, it’s kinda nice, probably, still.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien:  You don’t think at 47 and sunny in Boston right now, they’d probably, they’d want the Patriots to lose the Super Bowl to get a day like this.

Cindy Kaza:  Yep.

Captain Brien: They’d probably do that even.

Cindy Kaza: Oh hi Krystal.

Captain Brien: Hey Krystal, we’re tryin to get out of this sun, whoa, hey,

Cindy Kaza: Whoa

Captain Brien: This guy, this lady

Cindy Kaza: oh my God.

Captain Brien: right here’s just gonna pull right out.

Cindy Kaza: Hey that’s really funny, ‘member on the radio show, I as like, Krystal, K-R-Y-S-T-A-L. I was spelling it, and now the first person that’s saying hey, is Krystal.

Captain Brien: Oh, how cool is that.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah that’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: So do you love coming here, or do you just like that I put you up at the club all the time? What is it?

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here.

Captain Brien: You do, right.

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here, I have tons of friends in Flordia. I get to hang out with my friends, so yeah it’s pretty cool. Let’s see what does it say? Did you sense you were being watched in New Jersey? Everyone’s watching me.

Captain Brien: Yes, she can sense it. That’s my cousin, hey Glenn, what’s goin on?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  So no, it’s good, it’s very, I always say, when we’re here, it’s gotta be more laid back than other places that you go, I mean. No?

Cindy Kaza: I mean, yeah, it’s nice because when I come to Naples, I get to hang out for a few days, ’cause I do a couple shows, I get to spend time with my friends.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah. So yeah it’s not like city to city to city to city which I normally do.

Captain Brien: And do you prefer stayin in a hotel or do prefer stayin with your friends?

Cindy Kaza:  I like stayin with my friends.

Captain Brien:  Why?

Cindy Kaza: ‘Cause it’s fun to be around people, I mean people, I think people don’t realize that when you’re on the road, like all the time, it’s actually kinda lonely.

Captain Brien: It does get lonely, I agree.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it has to because what are you gonna do, like you have your phone, you have FaceTime, that helps, but that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, and then even though you’re performing, you’re doing events at night, I hate saying performing, ’cause it sounds like I have like an act.

Captain Brien: Right, where you have a show to put on.

Cindy Kaza:  But you do you’re event at night and you’re in front of all these people, but you’re not like interacting with them on a friendship level.

Captain Brien: correct.

Cindy Kaza:  Your just going to do your event and your going back to the hotel, sleeping, getting up, going to the airport, again and again, so it’s nice to have friends to spend time with, ya know.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And so there’s been exciting news, you have a new TV show that’s coming out in,

Cindy Kaza: I do.

Captain Brien: Will it come out in March, or will it just film in Mach?

Cindy Kaza:  No we start filming in March.

Captain Brien: Okay so it’s filming in March, which is awesome, and that’s with the Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: With the Travel Channel.

Captain Brien: How cool is that?

Cindy Kaza: Super exciting, yes.

Captain Brien:  And you’ve been telling me about it for a while, but the idea that it finally happened was thrilling, right? I mean, it’s gotta be.

Cindy Kaza: It’s thrilling. I mean, ya know, with Hollywood, you can have a pilot, I’ve had couple of pilots,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and then nothing happens, and then you’re like okay, here we go again, ya know.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s exciting that it’s happening.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: I’m very excited.

Cindy Kaza: We shot two pilots and they went nowhere.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: But you were just like, bam, right outta the box.

Cindy Kaza: No I wasn’t, I’ve had my first pilot in 2013.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s good, that’s good.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s been six years.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Six years.

Captain Brien: But were you out there pitching it, or did this one just come about?

Cindy Kaza:  Actually this one was a little bit different because I had a pilot in 2013, then I had a pilot last year that went away, and then there was this merger with networks, so when I signed to the new production company, you know, the executives at the Travel Channel knew me, so it happened a lot faster, I didn’t have to go through, like filming a whole pilot, and then waiting six months,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and all that stuff, so that was nice.

Captain Brien: That’s cool.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  So that a good, like fast track of you.

Captain Brien: Little bit faster this time.

Captain Brien: Tell everyone how they can find you, if they don’t know already, they wanna go on your Instagram or Facebook, let ’em know.

Cindy Kaza: Oh thanks for lovin my sunglasses, thank you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  I know, red lips, red glasses.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s right.

Cindy Kaza:  You can find me at, and I’m really active on Instagram, so if you go to Medium Cindy Kaza or Cindy Kaza on Instagram, it’ll pop right up, I’ll keep everybody updated, my Facebook, Medium Cindy Kaza.

Captain Brien: And you’re always on the road?

Cindy Kaza:  I’m always on the road.

Captain Brien: Like you never stop?

Cindy Kaza:  I know it’s like, I feel like the last four years, but even last year, was the busiest year, I think, I mean I’m home like two days a month. You know, it’s nuts.

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza:  It’s complete nuts.

Captain Brien: Which is not very much, holy cow.

Cindy Kaza: But I love my job, you know,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: it’s not even really a job. I feel so grateful to be able to do what I love.

Captain Brien: So do you wanna do a reading on me? I didn’t as you that.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: No come on, you need to. Don’t you think, everyone out there, what’d you think?

Cindy Kaza:  I did one on you before.

Captain Brien: But we stopped or somethin, it was short, what happened?

Captain Brien: There was stuff that we got into, that I liked, that I wanted to know more about.

Cindy Kaza: We’re we talking about your love life? But I already know about your love life now. Ew, should we go there?

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, wow. It’s probably gonna end quick if that’s the case, I don’t know. Like all the rest of ‘m.

Cindy Kaza: See Nancy says yes talk about his love life.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: Full disclosure, I already know who he’s dating, and I think it’s a good match.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: If he doesn’t screw it up, do screw it up dude.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s funny. So yeah, do somethin, do it, do it, come on, I’ll go with, do you wanna do a reading with me?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh yeah, I do a reading with you.

Captain Brien: Okay do it.

Cindy Kaza:  Are you open to whatever I say, that comes out.

Captain Brien: Sure, yeah, hello, I got my freaking, I did all kinds of stuff on this show, I think I can do that.

Cindy Kaza: Didn’t you get Botox on the show?

Captain Brien: I did.

Cindy Kaza:  We talked about that last time, your forehead looks very smooth, by the way.

Captain Brien:  It does?

Cindy Kaza:  Doesn’t his forehead look smooth?

Captain Brien: It looks good, alright. My eyes might need a little touch up though.

Cindy Kaza:  What the hell? Alright, I’m kidding, your relationship is ending really fast. No, I’m just joking.

Cindy Kaza: So I don’t know if I’m gonna do mediumship, I feel like I need to do psychic with you.

Captain Brien: Whatever you feel like.

Cindy Kaza: I do know some of things, I know who you’re dating, should I not, I shouldn’t say.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s just a casual

Cindy Kaza:  We’ll leave that.

Captain Brien: thing so you don’t have to, it’s probably not like a whole serious thing, so.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay I think it is, but okay,

Captain Brien: Oh my God, you know more than me.

Cindy Kaza: We’ll just take it there. And then I also, I know you have a new alcohol company.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And actually, I wanna talk about that first.

Captain brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So, we’re gonna do some psychic prediction stuff. People so the difference between psychic and mediumship is psychic is past, present, future, and mediumship is talking to people who have died. Okay so,

Captain Brien: yes.

Cindy Kaza: right now I’m gonna do psychic.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay. So with your alcohol company, so I’m gonna give you what I see, and actually I think you’re gonna like it, feels really positive, but I keep seeing a business partner coming in, like a second person coming on board.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: It feels like a woman who’s gonna do marketing or promoting, have you found her yet?

Captain Brien:  Not yet, no.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay so, but you have to be careful, everybody listening, okay, just so you can call him out on it if he doesn’t listen to my advice. I keep feeling like this woman’s gonna come in, and I keep seeing her wanting to partner up with you, ooh look six, six, six on that license plate, oh my God.

Captain Brien: That’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: And I keep feeling like you’re gonna have to make a decision, whether or not, you want to sign over a small percentage of your business. It feels like somebody’s coming in, saying I want, I don’t know 5% of sales, because I’m gonna take

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: this out and promote the crap out of it, it a wider area.

Captain Brien: Which is interesting, because you know I had to say, can I say somethin,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: why I think this is weird, of how much it relates right now, is because before I picked you up, I saw somebody on my phone who has a major PR business, in LA, and she’s like for the stars, and I’m like, yeah but I can’t afford to reach out to her. So, that’s so like relevant to what, right now, just happened, out of the clear blue, I happened to be looking at a contact for somebody else, you know how when you go through a phone, and like there’s, obviously it doesn’t just bring that one person up, it brings you to like, right, a bunch of options, and one of the girls, is like a huge PR agency, and I was like yeah, but I really can’t. So maybe I could offer a percentage, and that’s how I could bring them aboard.

Cindy Kaza: Right, so,

Captain Brien: Just this morning, before

Cindy Kaza: Hi five.

Captain Brien: Before I got my coffee.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, so I think that you just have to make sure that you’re paperwork is, you really read the fine print, ’cause there would be a contract, but then I keep seeing some connections to like football and around sports advertising as well.

Captain Brien: You are on fire. I literally just sent like five messages to all the sports bars this morning, for the Super Bowl and what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards to everybody’s bars, that sell my product and I’m gonna give them away. I haven’t even told anybody this. I just,

Cindy Kaza:  Now everyone knows. Now everyone knows, yeah.

Captain Brien: When you were in the car with me this morning, just before I picked you up, I was voice messaging all the business owners of the clubs, that are doin Super Bowl parties, and I’m like, hey I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards, and they have to buy Captain Brien Spirits, for the Super Bowl, and they can spend the money at the place.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, okay keep goin. ‘Cause that totally… Was dead on, and nobody would know that. Okay, I’m excited, keep goin, what else?

Cindy Kaza: That’s good,

Captain Brien:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Like, I feel really good things about,

Captain Brien:  ‘Cause if you tell me somethin bad, it’s also probably gonna happen, because all the good stuff already freakin happened.

Cindy Kaza:  you’re gonna kill us. He’s like swerving.

Captain Brien: That’s okay, I’m driving. Do you see in the future, my safe driving skills? I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my God, every time I get the car with this. Okay, so no that feels really positive, like your alcohol business feels really positive, so just make sure, with contracts, that you read the fine print and that you have a good attorney, so you understand what you’re signing.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, now the other part of the, okay so I know you have vodka, do you also have bourbon?

Captain Brien: I am working on a bourbon and I have a gin and a white rum,

Cindy Kaza:  The bourbon.

Captain Brien:  coming out.

Cindy Kaza: So the bourbon is the one that’s gonna take longer than you want it to, and I’ll tell you why, because you’re gonna try to add flavor to it, or make it like a special, like a, gosh…

Captain Brien: I just got, last night, the proof, of my first bourbon label.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, it’s gonna take a little while, right? But I feel like that’s gonna be something that you really, the packaging with that, is gonna be really cool, I seeing the bottles being unique, I see it being a little bit different, so just be patient on your bourbon, don’t rush it because otherwise you’re not going to like where it goes.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, ’cause I see like two different flavors. It’s almost like your gonna, does anybody make a bourbon with like a, like a berry flavor, or something that’s really weird, I’m seeing like berry bourbon.

Captain Brien:  That is weird because I’m working on it, a special one, with acai.

Cindy Kaza: Okay cool,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: so it’s berry bourbon.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s what it is, I’m like is berry bourbon. Okay so that’ll be good.

Captain Brien: I don’t know if I should’ve told ’em my secret, but anyway.

Cindy Kaza: Oh whatever, it’s cool nobody’s gonna steal it, you get that patented, okay.

Captain Brien:  By the time you get to it, I should already have it out.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, it’s gonna be good, it’s gonna be really good. Okay now lets go to your love life. I actually really think that, and I know who it is, I shall not say her name, on Facebook Live.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay. But I think she really likes you, I think it’s a really good match, it’s just gonna take time to really, the trust has to be there, and that’s on your end, and on her end,

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: It’s both of you, okay.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza: So you don’t screw this up.

Captain Brien:  I don’t tend to screw ’em up all the time, but it seems like,

Cindy Kaza: No it’s because you really like her and you might try to it away because you like her. So don’t do that.

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay

Cindy Kaza: Don’t be flirting with other chicks at the bar, okay? Especially not blondes, I’ve seen you,

Captain Brien:  I don’t go to the bar, I sell the alcohol to the bar.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever, I see you like flirting with this blonde girl, and then you’re like… This is future,

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: I’m telling you, don’t do it dude.

Captain Brien: Who’s the blonde? You see in the future, me flirting with a blonde girl?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah and I feel like she’s,

Captain Brien: Is she hot?

Cindy Kaza: She’s hot.

Captain Brien: Really?

Cindy Kaza: Oh my gosh, you know what it is? I feel like she’s somebody that, you know when you have like people that go out and do promo’s of your alcohol?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: That’s what it is, it’s like a promo girl.

Cindy Kaza: Oh alright

Cindy Kaza: And you’re like flirting with her

Captain Brien:  and I have a few around.

Cindy Kaza: But then the girl that you really like, see’s this happening, and she gets really pissed at you, and it’s your fault dude, don’t even do it.

Captain Brien: Dude, yeah I can’t do that, gosh. But I have to have hot promo girls, ’cause I have a big promo coming up on the 30th.

Cindy Kaza: Well yeah, you do have to have hot promo girls, but I’m just sayin.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay, but I don’t flirt, I don’t ever flirt with girls or date girls that work for me or work with me, so I’m good there.

Cindy Kaza: Mm-hmm, okay, alright. So maybe it’s just that it comes across as looking like you’re flirting with her, so just be careful.

Captain Brien: Okay, I gotta be careful.

Cindy Kaza:  I keep seeing you in Las Vegas, as well, at like a trade show or some Vegas thing.

Captain Brien: You’re outta control. I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  High five dude, I don’t know any of this.

Captain Brien:  You serious? I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  You are?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m leaving Friday, swear to God.

Cindy Kaza: Alright, have fun in Vegas.

Captain Brien: You had no idea I was going to Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: No, you’re gonna have fun.

Captain Brien: Of course you didn’t, ’cause I didn’t tell you we were going to Vegas, you read my mind, stop. Okay, so I can’t tell you, okay keep going.

Cindy Kaza: So I see you in Vegas, actually I see that being in the business, like it’s business and pleasure, not just having fun, but you’re gonna be networking there, so you need to be, make sure you don’t forget to bring your new business cards with you to hand out to some of the distribut, there’s like a little, gosh, it’s a small, okay it’s like a boutique bar. Do you work with speakeasy’s? Are you trying to get your alcohol into like tiny like,

Captain Brien:  I’m tryin to get it into anything and everything. Every place I freakin look at,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  I wanna get it into.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah okay, so it’s interesting because I keep seeing, like it’s not in a casino, it’s like it feels, or maybe it is, but it feels like a secret bar, or like a speakeasy, or some, exclusive thing.

Captain Brien: Maybe it’s my favorite place, the hidden, no name pizza place. The hidden place, have you ever been there?

Cindy Kaza: No.

Captain Brien:  Oh my God, it’s outta control.

Cindy Kaza: What do they have a speakeasy in there?

Captain Brien: They have it at, I think it’s at the Bellagio or the Venetian, there’s a pizza place, it’s like one of the best pizza places ever, and there’s no name, no nothin, you like go by the back bathroom, and there’s literally like a New York pizza place.

Cindy Kaza: Ah, okay, okay, so it could be something like that because it’s weird how it, like feels like it’s a speakeasy or it’s a secret,

Captain Brien: And so it’s totally a secret, yeah that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: So make sure you have your business cards to bring in there.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, nevermind, I’m not sayin that, have you been had your physical this year yet?

Captain Brien: What’s that?

Cindy Kaza: Like your doctor physical?

Captain Brien: Oh have I had my physical, I thought you said have I been hydro physical. I’m like damn,

Cindy Kaza: Well that too.

Captain Brien: What is that, man I’ve got some future goin on. I have had a physical recently, yes I just recently had one ’cause,

Cindy Kaza: Did you have, can I spill the beans? What I’m seeing?

Captain Brien: What did I do?

Cindy Kaza: Do you have anything with your prostate? I’m not a doctor, so please, I’m not a doctor,

Captain Brien: No.

Cindy Kaza:  But anything with, did you have the prostate exam?

Captain Brien:  I didn’t, but actually, the doctor that somehow disappeared, that is no longer practicing in Naples, that I had to leave, that’s why I went to a new doctor, he was supposed to give me the old prostate exam, and when I went there, after being all stressed out about going to get one, he forgot that I was gonna get one. So I didn’t tell him that I needed one. I chickened out, and the next thing you know, his practice is gone, so I had to go to a new doctor. But the doctor told me that I was good, I had to wait for a few more years, I wasn’t really ready.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, alright, so maybe that’s why I’m seeing

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Like get the prostate exam.

Captain Brien: So my bung bung is good for a few more years.

Cindy Kaza:  I’m glad we cleared that up. So maybe I’m just picking up that you didn’t have it done. You missed your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: But good, I’m glad it’s all good.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I was stressed, I thought I had to go to get one, it was a whole thing, because they gave me, he told me I had to the doctor and get these pills or something, like they’re flush me out, I had to take two of them, so then I didn’t get those pills, I was like oh my God, I didn’t do the pill thing, ’cause I was already stressed about doin that. But when I got there, the guy totally forgot that I was supposed to go there for the, yeah. So it worked out good.

Cindy Kaza: Alright good. You just did a colon cleanse, no big deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s like, yeah. And then he’s like, I gotta take two, I’m like God, maybe I’m backed up extra, I don’t know. One didn’t do the trick, how does he know, he didn’t even check me yet. So I don’t know, that’s how it worked.

Cindy Kaza: Oh this seat warmers so hot all of a sudden. Oh my God you’re killing me.

Captain Brien:  I don’t have a seat warmer on, maybe that’s, that’s me. That’s you seeing me

Cindy Kaza:  I’m so hot.

Captain Brien:  and you in the future and getting hot, that’s what it is.

Cindy Kaza:  See, he’s flirting

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting.

Cindy Kaza:  And I’m working for him. He’s lying.

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting. I’m not flirting, I’m just explaining what could possibly happen. I can see in the future. I can see the future.

Cindy Kaza: Oh my God what a hot mess.

Captain Brien:  Okay so what else? You’ve been right on like too much so far. Because I don’t know what you were thinking that you couldn’t say, because that’s probably true also. Damn.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, what else.

Captain Brien:  How did you know I was goin to Vegas? What gave you, no

Cindy Kaza: I didn’t, I just

Captain Brien: I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  heard Las Vegas in my mind.

Captain Brien: No but how did you know in your mind that I was going to Las Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: Well that’s how psychic stuff works, you just like trust

Captain Brien: Right, but somebody

Cindy Kaza:  what you’re getting.

Captain Brien: needs to know like what came to you that said, Captain’s goin to Vegas.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, so I’ll break down a reading for you, just to explain it a little.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Who’s saying hi here, let’s see. Oh somebody’s dying about your, we’re talking about your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So no, the way it works is like, okay so when I’m like tuning into you, I see images, which is clairvoyant, sometimes I hear things, but it’s not like you’re hearing me, it’s like if you were to like, it sounds like you’re talking to yourself. So I hear words, I’ll feel things,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: But with the Vegas thing, I kept seeing a sign, in my mind that said Las Vegas, so then I had a feeling you were going to Las Vegas, Right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And then I kept being, seeing, I’m seeing a lot of pictures, so then I would see, what looked like a speakeasy, so I was like that’s why I’m seeing, or like a secret thing, right.

Captain Brien: Okay yeah, ’cause the no name pizza place is one of my favorite places in Las Vegas.

Cindy Kaza: Right okay, that makes sense, right.

Captain Brien: And it’s like a total, like, yeah there’s no, anything about the place that’s, it’s all secretive, and you just have to kinda know where it is.

Cindy Kaza:  Right, and then with the bourbon, that I didn’t see in my mind, what I was hearing was berry bourbon, berry bourbon, so that makes sense

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Because I didn’t know what kind of berry, but that’s what I was hearing, so it all kinda blends in and you just, as a psychic,

Captain Brien: And you coulda picked tequila, you coulda said anything, you had no idea that I was gonna say that I’m working on a bourbon.

Cindy Kaza: Right.

Captain Brien: And one of my high school best friends, is now the CEO of the largest importer of acai in the U.S.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The company, Sambazon

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so he is trying to get me to do acai berry,

Cindy Kaza: Bourbon.

Captain Brien: Bourbon.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, you should do it.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, you think it, like in the future, do you see a lot of money?

Cindy Kaza:  I feel like that one’s, like I said, it’s like a slower build.

Captain Brien: You’re supposed to say yes, I see huge,

Cindy Kaza: yes, you’re going to be rich, you’re gonna have

Cindy Kaza: Captain Brien: amazing dollars, yes.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my, he’s still trying to kill me. This man is trying to kill me.

Captain Brien:  I just wanted you to make sure that you weren’t just totally focused on this reading, you had to make sure you knew what was aware around you.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever.

Captain Brien: You’re surroundings, you know what I’m saying?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah so, I think you should do berry bourbon, you’re gonna be successful, it’s gonna be good. Okay?

Captain Brien: Alright, we’ll look it. You know how they have those filters, the light filters? I did this one naturally, my lighting guy did this, this stream of light.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s like, for you, like wahhhh, the light is coming through,

Cindy Kaza:  Oh.

Captain Brien: You see ’em? Do you see the,

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah it looks nice, it looks really nice.

Captain Brien: It’s nice right? It’s technical, ya know, it’s how my people roll when they film, ya know, they wanna do a little, we’re not just gonna shoot, what do ya think this is, da da, ya know, ya know, the Discovery Channel or the Travel Channel? We’re above that, come on, it’s not like I don’t have a TV show on the freakin Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: You should.

Captain Brien: I know.

Cindy Kaza: Captain’s Log, it’s goin,

Captain Brien: Jeez, I tell ya.

Cindy Kaza: It’s goin live, it’s gonna be on a major network one day.

Captain Brien: It’s goin huge, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Its goin huge. It’s goin huge.

Captain Brien:  It’s gonna blow up. It’s gonna blow up someday, we’re watchin.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, Captains la, nevermind, I was just gonna go la.

Captain Brien: Did you see my license plate, like to captains log now? I think, didn’t you tell me not to have captain L-O-L?

Cindy Kaza: No, but I was just tying it into our whole thing about your issue.

Captain Brien: Stop it, stop it. Okay we gotta go guys,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye guys.

Captain Brien: This is the Captain’s Log, we’re out, Cindy Kaza, go see her.

Cindy Kaza:  Hi Erin, love you too.

Captain Brien: Go see her live, she’s amazing, and literally, that reading that she just did, was totally off the cuff, and I didn’t even tell ya I was gonna do that.

Cindy Kaza:  No you didn’t.

Captain Brien: I just told you were goin live on the Captain’s Log.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The last time you did do a little reading, and the time before that, you’re like, I’m not reading you.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah, you didn’t read me.

Cindy Kaza: But I brought your grandpa through that time, ‘member?

Captain Brien: That was the last time.

Cindy Kaza: Oh.

Captain Brien: That was the only time. The time before that, you’re like, na I don’t wanna do a reading you, it’s too much.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You told me that.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, maybe ’cause I was seeing some things and I don’t know, who knows why.

Captain Brien: It’s probably you felt a connection, and you were scared.

Cindy Kaza:  I just was like, I really think I have feelings for you,

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think that’s what it was.

Cindy Kaza:  And I just, I have to, like, I can’t.

Captain Brien: And ya didn’t wanna face, face to face me.

Cindy Kaza:  I didn’t wanna…

Captain Brien: I get it, I get it, sometimes it happens, sometimes you gotta go with it. Guys we’re outta here, she’s getting too much,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye.

Captain Brien: Too much for me.

S2:E5 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Joe List and Captain Brien!

Come join Captain Brien and Joe List on this super funny adventure!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Joe List out and send him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: What’s goin’ on? This is the Captains Log. Comedian Joe List, what’s up buddy?

Joe List: Not too much.

Captain Brien: This is your first appearance.

Joe List: I know, this is terrifying. By the way, this is like a great camera shot. You were pulling back, so like, it’s like the background is changing.

Joe List: Happy to be here. This is exciting.

Captain Brien: Thanks man.

Joe List: I’ve never done anything in a car before, other than sex, yeah.

Captain Brien: This is your first? A lot of sex in the car?

Joe List: Uh, I wouldn’t say a lot, but you know, twice–

Captain Brien: You keep it real.

Joe List: Yeah, my aunt was a spicy lady.

Captain Brien: Oh, not in the marriage though, I bet. That’s probably not car sex material.

Joe List: No, we don’t even have a car,

Joe List: so we’d have to rent a car.

Captain Brien: Or sex.

Joe List: Yeah, I’d have to rent the sex also.

Joe List: Alright, I’m tryin’ to find myself.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna pop up here in a minute so you can share it. We’re live with Joe List, he’s gonna be at Off The Hook, go ahead, he’s probably live now, and it’s gonna be all weekend. Thursday, which is tonight, there’s gonna be a show at seven, and seven to nine all weekend, all the way through Sunday.

Joe List: I can’t wait.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a good time, and this is your second time here, but, my goodness, you were a rookie when you came last.

Joe List: Yeah, well, I mean I was a veteran, but it feels, I’ve been doing comedy so long. I started in comedy when I was nine years old. I’m 30 years in here.

Captain Brien: What were you telling, Jack and Jill jokes?

Joe List: Yeah, that was

Joe List: It was Jack and Jill have sex in a car. Yeah, I was here in Summer, maybe May of ’09.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Joe List: I was opening for Nick Di Paolo, and that was when the club was in Marco Island, or on Marco Island, whatever you say.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: And we stayed at like a resort. I dunno if you remember.

Captain Brien: You did.

Joe List: You put us in this crazy resort.

Captain Brien: It was a good deal.

Joe List: It was unbelievable, I mean, for me–

Captain Brien: You should have paid me for that.

Joe List: It was pretty unbelievable.

Joe List: It was like the nicest place. I still have photos somewhere, on Facebook I think.

Captain Brien: They’ve actually redid that resort, and they spend like 100 million dollars to make it even better.

Joe List: Oh wow.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, I know. Now it’s a JW Marriott. Before it was the Marco Island Marriott, and they say it’s one of the busiest Marriott’s in the world. They stay like, 99% occupied, year round.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And enough about them, ’cause they don’t, they don’t sponsor this show.

Joe List: Yeah

Captain Brien: The hell with them.

Joe List: No, I hope they all die.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, exactly.

Joe List: I shouldn’t say that. This is going out live. I can’t even edit this.

Captain Brien: We are live. You can’t.

Joe List: Oh geez.

Joe List: I don’t hope anyone dies. I want everyone to be great and fine.

Captain Brien: Did you get to share it?

Joe List: I did, I’m shared.

Captain Brien: You are shared

Joe List: So what does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.

Captain Brien: That means that your people right now, if they’re on there watching, which they will be, and maybe they’re, you know, scrolling through, they can say hi. If you guys are watching, tell us hello, what city you’re in. I’ll even give you tickets to tonight’s show. Can I give ’em some tickets?

Joe List: Yeah, please. This is gonna be depressing though if no one writes,

Joe List: “Hey, I’m a fan of Joe.”

Captain Brien: Hey, stay tuned. You never know, I mean, they could be watching on their phone at work, and they don’t wanna get busted.

Joe List: I hope so, yeah.

Captain Brien: They just sneak peeks. But yeah, I mean like, 180 thousand people a week watch.

Captain Brien: Wow. Between all the shows, I’m on every day.

Joe List: 180 thousand.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s good.

Joe List: Yeah, that’s great.

Captain Brien: It’s been steady, so we’re havin’ fun.

Joe List: I’m happy to be here. I hope I get those kinda numbers.

Captain Brien: You brought your wife.

Joe List: I did, my wife is here. Come on out Sarah.

Captain Brien: No, she’s not here now.

Joe List: No, she’s at home, sleeping. She’s in the hotel sleeping.

Captain Brien: Do you have any kids?

Joe List: She came along. No kids.

Captain Brien: No kids?

Joe List: Sex, no kids. Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Wow, that guy just blew his airhorn.

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Ace is the place, the helpful place, and apparently he’s helping that guy put his car in gear.

Joe List: Yeah, look up from his texts. But yeah, my wife is here. She’s in bed right now, but she’s hilarious. I don’t think she’s ever been here either, to Naples.

Captain Brien: No? This is her first?

Joe List: First time, yeah. We do Key West every year, but this is our first time–

Captain Brien: So, there is a club down in Key West, right?

Joe List: It’s not a club, uh, I guess it’s a club. My friend would be mad if he heard me say that. It’s a bar, show, but they’re kinda makin’ it a club.,

Captain Brien: Yeah, but it’s only been-a goin’ for a couple of years, right?

Joe List: Yeah, a little bit.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they actually contacted me and I said I wasn’t gonna do it.

Joe List: Oh, really?

Captain Brien: It was too much for me.

Joe List: Yeah, it’s a lot, I mean it’s a strange place, and it’s hard to get to. It’s a weird island, but it’s a fun place. You can walk around naked, they have a–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like the Garden of Eden. Did you go up there?

Joe List: Garden of Eden? I’ve been there a few times. Well last time–

Captain Brien: Did you pull out the whole junk?

Joe List: When I went years ago, in my drinking day, I don’t drink anymore. I’m old and I’m gay now, but uh–

Captain Brien: Do you know Gary da Silva? He’s in Billerica, Mas.

Joe List: I know Gary da Silva!

Captain Brien: What’s up buddy!

Joe List: Gary’s a firefighter. I’ve known Gary for 20 years. More than 20 years.

Captain Brien: Well we’re giving you a little shout out right there. Put out all those good fires and be safe Gary.

Joe List: Yeah, Gary, come down to Naples, right now, immediately. We got a show tonight.

Captain Brien: Yeah, support the show. Buy a ticket, he said.

Joe List: Hope that’s the right Gary though. Be bad if it was–

Captain Brien: Nah, Gary de Silva, it’s your boy.

Joe List: Yeah, that is my boy.

Captain Brien: He loves you.

Joe List: That’s nice. That’s who I get. I don’t get fans, I just get people I grew up with.

Joe List: But anyway, I don’t even know what I was sayin’ now.

Captain Brien:- Me neither. Do you have ADD? ‘Cause I do.

Joe List: Well I think we all do now with the phones. Forget  about it.

Captain Brien: Is it the phone keepin’ you busy?

Joe List: It’s all I do. I just look at the phone and that’s it.

Captain Brien: And you forget it, like what’s goin’ on.

Joe List: A lot of times. I’ve gotten better, but I think I’m better than most. When I’m with people, I’m great. When I’m by myself on the road, I do a lot of looking at the phone. It’s the situation.

Captain Brien: I do too, and when I look at the phone though, sometimes I can’t hear anybody else, just the phone.

Joe List: Oh yeah, totally. You’re immersed.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: Against the whole world. Part of me, some of it’s great. You can learn, like a lot of times I’m not just looking, scrolling through social media, I’m reading shit.

Captain Brien: I do the same thing. I hate reading novels, but I’m definitely learning like, what’s going on in the world or what’s trending.

Joe List: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s trending on Instagram.

Joe List: Yeah, you’re obviously very savvy.

Captain Brien: That’s very important!

Joe List: That’s important stuff. No, I do well, I’ll read. But this is what I do now. Now I’ll watch a movie and like, three minutes in, I’m like, “I’m gonna look up the director. “I’m gonna find out where the director grew up.”, and then I’m like, I can’t even watch the movie. I keep pausing, I’m like, “Let me see “if she’s ever been naked in anything.”

Captain Brien: What about the documentaries? Those kill me, ’cause I’m like, “Now I gotta Google what’s going on “with this guy’s life before it ends.”

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: And I’m the middle, I’m like, “Ah, I already know this guy’s made it “or it’s a bust.”

Joe List: Right. By the way, this guy just wrote in that I was saying I’m old and gay. Now I remember it. We were talking about Key West. About goin’ to Garden of Eden, and I used to get naked there, but now, in sobriety and older age, I don’t get so naked.

Captain Brien: And you can’t bring out your phone at the Garden of Eden, right? They don’t let you.

Joe List: Yeah, not allowed to.

Captain Brien: Right away, they get on top of you for that. It’s frowned upon.

Joe List: When I first went there, I was like so excited, ’cause I was 23 or 24, and I was like, “I’m gonna go see some naked people.” But the people that get naked at Garden of Eden, are 125 years old.

Captain Brien: It’s not the same. It’s not the same caliber.

Joe List: Yeah, not like beautiful women walkin’ around topless. You’re gonna see an old pud.

Captain Brien: Now there is some naked resorts across the world, like in Ibiza and stuff where there’s some very attractive naked people, but the Garden of Eden seems to attract not the finest, not 10’s.

Joe List: Yeah, no.

Captain Brien: There could be some good sevens.

Joe List: It’s not a hot spot. I think maybe you get a visitor or something like that, but I think it’s also, ends up being mostly dudes that think they’re gonna go see a hot woman.

Captain Brien: A bunch of naked chicks.

Joe List: So you’ve got like 11 naked guys and a few people in their pants, goin’ “This sucks.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: I feel like I’m–

Captain Brien: I never did that. I never went to the Garden of Eden, but I know it well, ’cause I’ve been to Key West, and who doesn’t hear about the Garden of Eden?

Joe List: It’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: It is?

Joe List: I spent some time in Key West, and I didn’t, I do now, I go there every year to do the show, but when I was young, my friend Tom Dustin who runs the show, we went down there and had a wild time, and we got robbed by two women in Miami the day before we went.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Joe List: We lost all our cash. Yeah, I had a $1,000 in cash taken from me.

Captain Brien: No, a lady robbed you?

Joe List: Yeah, well what happened was, I guess they were kinda like, ladies of the night. I thought I was just killin’ it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you thought you were hookin’ up with these chicks.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. So we were walkin’ around drunk.

Captain Brien: I gotta hear this.

Joe List: And I was the only guy, I’m wearing like, jeans and sneakers, and I’m wearing like, New Balance sneakers walkin’ up South Beach in Miami, which is like, the hippest place on earth.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you looked like an easy target, ’cause they’re like, “These guys are on vacation.”

Joe List: Yeah, I looked like a goof. I had like, you know, wired glasses and jeans from Sears, everything, all Sears, head to toe.

Captain Brien: What year was this?

Joe List: This was ’06.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Joe List: So I was 24, and this woman walked up to me and she was hammerin’. She was like, “Hey baby, you wanna party?” And I was like, “Yeah, yeah, let’s rip it. “I just got here. I’m from Boston. “Lets have some fun.” She was like, “Well where are you stayin’?” I was like, “I’m stayin’ right over here.” And it was two women. They were kinda heavy, but I was, you know–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t ask for the best on the road. You take what you get.

Joe List: Yeah, I was into it, and they came up to me. I mean they sparked it, so I was like, “Yeah, let’s go to my room.” And then I was like, “I gotta find my buddy Tom.” And they were like, “No, no, he’s with our friend.” So I just thought these three random women just started grabbin’ us, and I find out later

Captain Brien: You thought you were hot shit. Like, I am freakin’ handsome in South Beach.

Joe List: Yeah, so they walked me, I mean again, these were not attractive women, but they were very nice. They were like, they took me by the arm, you know, I was elbow and elbow, I had a girl on each side, which is a dream.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Joe List: Went back to the hotel, and then one of them started, she– We can be dirty on here, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to a point, sure.

Joe List: Okay.

Captain Brien: Kinda censor it.

Joe List: I don’t wanna get too crazy but she took her bosoms out.

Captain Brien: Yes, she took out her boobies.

Joe List: Yeah, and she was pressing them on my face and kinda doin’ one of these things, and then the other girl, I was like “Where are you at? What goin’ on here?” And she was kinda touchin’ my genital area over the pants, and I was like “This is amazing, what a wild, “I’m havin’ a threesome in Key West, “I mean in Miami, I just got here an hour ago.”, and then all of a sudden, she was like, “You know what? We’re gonna get outta here.”

Joe List: And I was like, “What? I’m not even naked yet. “What’re you talkin’ about?” And they were like, “We gotta go. “It was great to meet ya’.” And then they just took off, and I was so drunk that I was like, “Boy, that was weird.” I was like, “Maybe I said somethin’.” And then I looked over. I could see the zipper of my bag was open, and I had all cash. I didn’t have an ATM card at the time.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go right to the bag? Were you like, “Yo, I got bags!”

Joe List: No, I think she was just rifling through the bag.

Captain Brien: While the other one was smothering you with the breasts.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: So you were breast smothered. That was like, her Bird Box. She Bird Boxed you.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. Classic move, a breast smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: ‘Cause you can get away with anything if you can smother someone’s face

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Joe List: with a breast.

Captain Brien: No doubt.

Joe List: So, she did that, and then the other one I think had like, one hand, she was kinda touchin’ me so I knew she was there, and then with the other hand was goin’ through my bag, and again, I’m like, extremely inebriated.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go through the bag and not your pockets? They’re good.

Joe List: They might have gone through the pockets also. I dunno.

Captain Brien: It was probably an hour. It was an hour of breast smuggling.

Joe List: They probably were like, “This guy “doesn’t have an ATM card. This guy’s a loser.” I don’t know, but they went through and I just had cash, and my mother, before I left was like, “You shouldn’t carry cash like that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: But I just didn’t have a bank card. I just had cash, so I lost 1,000, and then my friend showed up. Oh, that’s what I forgot to say. So in the middle of it, my buddy Tom showed up, and I was like “Dude, look at this! “This is crazy!” ‘Cause I didn’t realized I’d been robbed yet, and he was like, “I just got robbed.” He’s like, “I lost $500.”

Captain Brien: Get out! They had already hit him up?

Joe List: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So they literally told you, “Oh, my other friend is taking care of your buddy.”

Joe List: Yes, so it turned out he was receiving a style of sex, you know, and they were goin’ through his pockets while doing that, so he at least received like, some more sexual– It was a little more advanced, sexually than I got. I just got a boobie smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you were excited about that.

Joe List: I was thrilled with that. I mean at the time, I wasn’t exactly crushing it, nor am I now, by the way.

Captain Brien: When you’re married.

Joe List: I mean I have a beautiful wife. So anyways, that was that, and then, so it was day one of like a seven day vacation, and we lost 100% of our money. I had to call my mother. My aunt wired us some money.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Joe List: And I had to pay her back.

Captain Brien: That’s like the thing where you get the call and it’s fake, right? “Hey, I’m on vacation, I lost all my money. “Can you wire me money?”

Joe List: Yeah, it seemed like a joke, and like the day before, she was like, “This is a bad idea.”, and I was like, “Yep, we got robbed.” I mean, day one, but the nice thing was, we went down to Key West, and we started telling everyone the story. It’s a great atmosphere down there, and people would buy us drinks and stuff. People were like, “Oh, that’s terrible. “Let me get you a beer.”

Joe List: And we kinda milked it, quite a bit. We got a lot of free booze, and we would just tell the story together, and people loved it. We were a big hit down there.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Joe List: But yeah, it was great, but for years I’m finally doing well enough that I don’t add that $1,000 to my account when I look at my money.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: For years, every time I looked at my statement I’d be like, “There should be $1,000 more!”

Captain Brien: “Ah, wish I had that grand.” Yeah.

Joe List: But I also gave this great big broody speech, where I was like, “You know what, who gives a shit? “If they need to take our money, “let ’em take our money.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: “We’re not gonna let this die.” It was like this big like,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: rah, rah speech.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you felt, you were feelin’ it right from the heart, and the wallet.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly, we had to keep it goin’. We ended up havin’ like, the time of our lives. I got great photos of all of it.

Captain Brien: So, my buddy owns Irish Kevin’s. Did you get to go to Irish Kevin’s?

Joe List: Yeah, I’ve been to Irish Kevin’.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s Irish Kevin, that’s my buddy.

Joe List: No kidding.

Captain Brien: So he’s a good time. That’s how, he’s the one that contacted me and said, “My friend’s opening up a bar and gonna do comedy there. “I want you to book it.”, and then I was like, “I can’t”.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: So that’s how I was like, contacted. Wow, that guy just threw the thing right there.

Joe List: Yeah, I think he just dumped a bottle of urine out the window, which is fine, you know.

Captain Brien: So tell me, you grew up in Boston.

Joe List: Yeah, well Massachusetts, South Shore. I grew up in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: Okay, and I grew up in Wakefield.

Joe List: Yeah, which is, I feel like similar towns but flipped.

Captain Brien: Right. The opposites.

Joe List: One’s North, one’s South, which by the way, we call it Massachusetts, I never thought this was weird. We always say South Shore, the South Shore plaza, but it’s not the shore. I grew up like 35 minutes from the beach. Like the South Shore plaza–

Captain Brien: Yeah, we say North Shore.

Joe List: Yeah, as in Braintree, but it’s like, we’re not on the water.

Captain Brien: Right, we’re not on the shore, like shipwrecked.

Joe List: Yeah, people would come visit or whatever and see where I grew up, and they’re like, “So where’s the beach?” and I’m like, “The beach?”

Joe List: And I’m like, “The beach is like, 40 minutes away.”

Captain Brien: So do you have the roast beef sandwiches, like Bill & Bob’s, is that a thing on the South Shore? I know it’s huge on the North Shore.

Joe List: No, well there’s Mike’s Roast Beef was a big place. I moved to Everett for a couple of years for comedy.

Captain Brien: So in Everett, so you had like–

Joe List: There was Kelley’s was not far, and then Mike’s Roast Beef, which is still there. I still go up there.

Captain Brien: It’s delicious, right?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: There’s nothing like that around here.

Joe List: No, it was amazing. I mean someone should come down here and do a roast beef place.

Captain Brien: I did.

Joe List: You made a roast beef place?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did, in 2005. Captain Brian’s Seafood and Roast Beef, and I did the exact thing.

Joe List: And it didn’t–

Captain Brien: It did really well.

Joe List: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: It turned into Captain Brian’s, then it turned into Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: But that’s how I started, and Bill and Bob, the owner came down, he says, “I heard you’re the Bill and Bob’s “from down south. “I’m gonna see your roast beef.” and he cooked roast beef in my kitchen.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And he taught me, like, the secrets.

Joe List: Wow.

Captain Brien: The real friggin’ thing.

Joe List: Oh, I thought I had that million dollar idea by the way, but you already done it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did it. I did it, I did a lot. Some worked, some didn’t.

Joe List: That’s the way it goes.

Captain Brien: That’s how you roll.

Joe List: It’s like jokes.

Captain Brien: You gotta test out the waters.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Randy wants me to say, “I wanna hear a chicken finger.” I like to say chicken fingers. Do you say chicken finger, or chicken finger?

Joe List: Well, I’m hangin’ out with you, so I’ll start soundin’ like that again. Like when I go home to hang out with my family, I’ll start sounding a little more like a Kennedy. To me, when I was drinking, or if I’d get really angry my accent will come out a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents have lived down here for 22 years and so have I, but my accent’s mostly gone I think.

Joe List: Right.

Captain Brien: Or is it bad?

Joe List: I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Joe List: I noticed it a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents sound like they literally have never left.

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: I’m like, how do you still talk like that?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Nobody else is doing that.

Joe List: It’s interesting, because it’s just so ingrained. It’s just like how you speak I guess, but it’s weird because when I was a kid, I got made fun of ’cause I would say bathroom, and like everyone made fun of me. They were like, “What are you, an English piece of shit.”, whatever, and then I was like, “Oh, alright.”, so I stopped saying bathroom consciously, and then like, Good Will Hunting came out, and it became like, the coolest thing to sound like that,

Captain Brien: Yeah, Boston.

Joe List: so all of a sudden, like I had this accent and people would make fun of me, and I was like, “Oh god, I guess I’m a nerd. “I sound like I’m British.” So I’d change the way I talk, and then Good Will Hunting came out and all of a sudden like everyone in my class was like, “Joe, you’re wicked crazy.”, and I was like, “You didn’t sounds like that two days ago.”

Captain Brien: Like, wicked, I didn’t realize wicked wasn’t a thing.

Joe List: I didn’t either. It’s amazing how many things you realize, like Patriot’s Day is not a holiday anymore.

Captain Brien: Correct. What is Patriot’s Day?

Joe List: Yeah, I thought, that was mind blowing to me, ’cause I still to go up there every year for Patriot’s Day.

Captain Brien: And Columbus day is like, I think that people don’t get it unless you’re up there. What do you think?

Joe List: Columbus Day?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: That’s a national holiday, isn’t it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it seems like it, right? And they wanna tell you about Plymouth Rock.

Joe List: Right, Plymouth Rock they love, and that’s so fascinating, but Columbus didn’t land on Plymouth Rock.

Captain Brien: No, who did?

Joe List: The Pilgrims.

Captain Brien: The Pilgrims. So that’s why we get Patriot’s Day, or no?

Joe List: No, Patriot’s Day is about I think Battle of Bunker Hill?

Captain Brien: Oh! That’s what it–

Joe List: No wait, that’s Bunker Hill Day. Patriot’s Day is, I dunno.

Captain Brien: The Bunker Hill Monument.

Joe List: Some sort of revolution. But that’s not actually on Bunker Hill. That’s actually Breed’s Hill, and Bunker Hill is in like, Somerville.

Captain Brien: This is true. This is true.

Joe List: That’s some fun trivia.

Captain Brien: That is a good little knack that you’ve acquired along the way.

Joe List: Yeah, a little Boston trivia. By the way, are we going somewhere? I feel like you’re just flipping around. I dunno

Captain Brien: I can’t turn in this.

Joe List: what the hell’s going on.

Captain Brien: You can’t turn in there.

Captain Brien: I just drive and drive until the conversation gets dead, and once the conversation dies, I pull in.

Joe List: Every once and a while I look over, I’m like, “Where the hell are we?”

Captain Brien: There’s no turn in. There’s no access to get in here, so you gotta go down, turn, right, left, and pull in.

Joe List: Gotcha. Well Patriot’s Day is a holiday in Boston. I still go every year, ’cause the Red Sox play at 11:05am, and the marathon’s going on. I go every year.

Captain Brien: Which is the best. That’s a huge day in Boston.

Joe List: It’s the best.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: You go to the game, then you spill out. Time to watch all the, you know, the not elite runners.

Captain Brien: I go to Pizzeria Regina, I get some pizza on the way in.

Joe List: Yeah, you can do that.

Captain Brien: I love it.

Joe List: We live it up, I mean, I love it, I go every, this past year the game got rained out, which was frustrating. I was there for the bombing, which was, that’s not a fun thing to bring up on a comedy show.

Captain Brien: No. But it’s very interesting. And then did you see the movie?

Joe List: I did not see the movie.

Captain Brien: You didn’t?

Joe List: No. I saw the real life thing.

Captain Brien: I know.

Joe List: No, I did not see the movie. I should see the movie.

Captain Brien: The movie’s great.

Joe List: I’m sure it was enjoyable.

Captain Brien: It’s really interesting.

Joe List: Yeah. That was a fascinating time.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Well anyway, guys, this is the Captain’s Log. Joe List. Go see him at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight through Sunday, tellin’ the ha-ha’s, all the jokes, you’re gonna love him. You’ve seen him on Netflix, now you’ve seen him on a Captain’s Log. Joe, thanks buddy

Joe List: Thanks for havin’ me.

Captain Brien: Let’s go, we’re goin’ on

Joe List: I appreciate it.

Captain Brien: a radio station now. 103.9, then 96k-Rock. We just finished 105.5 The Beat. We’re out, and the Captain’s Log will be live tomorrow. Two episodes, so I know you’re just so excited. Seeya.

S2:E4 The Captain’s Log with Eric Myers and Captain Brien!!

Comedian Eric Myers joins us as we talk about Eric’s Uber driver job and code brown at Walmart😂!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Erik Myers out and show him some love at:


Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back on the Captain’s Log. Erik Myers, what’s up buddy?

Erik Myers: What’s up peanuts?

Captain Brien: What are you doing?

Erik Myers: I’m sittin’ here havin’ a good time.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna put on my shades cause you’re too cool.

Erik Myers: I don’t know about that. I am pretty cool. I got my new leather jacket from Forever Twenty Ones, 39.99.

Captain Brien: That’s our new intern right there

Erik Myers: Who?

Captain Brien: Right there, Kendall.

Erik Myers: Hi, Kendall.

Kendall: Hi Erik.

Erik Myers: Kendall’s a rapper and she’s gonna rap for us.

Erik Myers: Go Kendall.

Captain Brien: I did hear her telling us how talented of a rapper she was.

Erik Myers: She said she was the next Biggie Smalls. That’s exactly to quote.

Captain Brien: So we just finished 105.5, The Beat.

Erik Myers: We did finish it.

Captain Brien: And, Erik, you’re performing at Off the Hook Comedy Club, tonight.

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Wednesday, yes.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: What? No.

Captain Brien: Seven o’clock show.

Erik Myers: No, I canceled that.

Captain Brien: And I’m gonna give you

Erik Myers: I have a hair appointment. I’m washing my hair. Look at it.

Captain Brien: Giving away free tickets now. Stop, you’re interrupting. It’s my god damn show.

Erik Myers: You shut up!

Captain Brien: Erik Myers tonight at 7:00.

Erik Myers: 7:00.

Captain Brien: Off the Hook Comedy Club. E-M-F, Erik Myers Free. E-M-F at Use that promo code and you can get free tickets.

Erik Myers: Free.

Captain Brien: To see Erik tonight. The first 20 people, after that you gotta pay.

Erik Myers: 20 of you are lucky. The rest a you is screwed.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: You have to big money to see me.

Captain Brien: I’m just gonna make my way up here because if I sit here to long that’s right when the sun is right in my face.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m practically blind I don’t even have sunglasses. You and Kendall have sunglasses and I got nothing. I’m gonna put my little visor down.

Captain Brien: Look at this visor down.

Erik Myers: It didn’t do nothin’.

Captain Brien: Well your face is really small it’s like little.

Erik Myers: I gotta little tiny peanut face. Brien why do 20 people get to see me for free tonight at seven Off the Hook Comedy Club.

Captain Brien:

Erik Myers: thank you, code E-M-F.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing you’re not my promo guy. My hype man.

Erik Myers: I am your hype man. E-M-F E-M-F. Promo code, seven o’clock!

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki hey Randy what’s goin’ on guys? We’re live on the Caption’s Log and today is Wednesday. This is season two, season one took 13 years to complete.

Erik Myers: I can’t believe you haven’t been canceled yet. What are the ratings of this shit?

Captain Brien: But anyway go, when you’re on the damn podcast I know you guys are, you can like it and share it, and also give us a rating on iTunes or Stitch or Sound Cloud wherever you’re watching from. Or if you’re watching on Facebook just say hello when you tune in. Tell us what city you’re watching from. ‘Cause I wanna know where you guys are today and–

Erik Myers: When wanna know where you are.

Captain Brien: And not to rub it in but it is 70 degrees sunny and we’re in Fort Myers and it’s beautiful and I’m sure where you guys are watching it’s either here or somewhere where it’s cold as hell. So tell us where that is right.

Erik Myers: It’s cold everywhere else probably.

Captain Brien: Kendall this is your first appearance on the Captain’s Log, how do you feel?

Kendall: Very honored.

Captain Brien: You are right?

Kendall: Super nervous.

Captain Brien: Oh my God it’s so scary.

Kendall: Okay very scary.

Erik Myers: Oh it’s Kobe.

Captain Brien: So Erik what’s the plan while you’re in town buddy?

Erik Myers: Brien I’m gonna do a bunch a heroin and go to Walmart.

Captain Brien: Excellent thank you, I appreciate the–

Erik Myers: They can’t ban me forever.

Captain Brien: This is a family show so that’s good.

Erik Myers: What, I bring my family.

Captain Brien: Yeah you do.

Erik Myers: Yeah I bring them to the Walmart and we all shoplift it’s a group effort. I got 100 pairs of socks last time.

Captain Brien: So I had the visor up and it was perfect right exactly in the middle of our camera shot which was good that was good.

Erik Myers: Oh you got me from all angles.

Captain Brien: I do.

Erik Myers: We need like a crotch cam to get the full effect.

Captain Brien: Yeah a lot of hair on that one.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: Biggs is watching we’re going–

Erik Myers: Big mama sent us a message.

Captain Brien: Yeah we’re headin’ over to 103 now we’re on the way to see Babs and Biggs and Mel–

Erik Myers: Yay!

Captain Brien: And you’re gonna tear it up right?

Erik Myers: I’m sure as heck gonna try.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Erik Myers: I’m gonna do this, I just started Uber driving and I wanna do like have a camera in it, almost like Cash Cab but like record people be messing with them but I don’t know would they have to sign like a release? First of all I was picking up these college kids the other day in my Uber. I’m a 30 year old Uber driver and these kids in the backseat so I’m like what’s your major? And he’s like English. And I’m like that was my major. And he just started crying. He’s like–

Captain Brien: And then did you open the door and let him out?

Erik Myers: He jumped out and I was going 50 miles an hour.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating by the way? Your big joke is that you get to rate and they get to rate you. What’s your rating as a driver?

Erik Myers: I’m rated X.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I’m driving buck naked.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating?

Erik Myers: My bare ass is pressed on the seats for all to see. I am rated 4.92.

Captain Brien: 4.92.

Erik Myers: My rating went down just because I got a four star rating but I only had 12 rides at that time. Well driving, I did Uber Miami, and it’s like first of all downtown Orlando Miami half the streets are one way streets, half the streets are closed, people drive like they’re crazy. You know in Florida people put on their turn signal people don’t let you over they speed up. They gotta be the first one to the red light or something. Everyone gets so angry in these damn cars they need to relax.

Captain Brien: So why’d someone give you a four star? Did you make the wrong turn?

Erik Myers: Because I um–

Captain Brien: They looked at your driving record? I have to talk about that.

Erik Myers: I was drinking vodka out of a thermos.

Captain Brien: Alright guys the promo code to see Erik is E-M-F because I know there’s some of the people E-M-F you get to see him tonight. Back to the Uber.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So when you signed up to be a driver they didn’t make you make you submit like your drivers license, they did a background check or anything?

Erik Myers: They did but I have a secret identity.

Captain Brien: So how–

Erik Myers: My name is Nol Galager.

Captain Brien: How the hell did that happen?

Erik Myers: I went there and I said no, I said I have a good driving record.

Captain Brien: Because you haven’t had your license.

Erik Myers: I haven’t had a license so I have nothing. I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: You’re a safe driver.

Erik Myers: I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: I’ve got a good driving record and I’m Ubering.

Captain Brien: I’m not trusting my kids with Uber anymore, not after this.

Erik Myers: What no dude I’m a good Uber driver.

Captain Brien: Thank you Vicki, E-M-F thank you Vicki yes.

Erik Myers: E-M-F Vicki come to my show please we need you.

Captain Brien: Yes I love it.

Erik Myers: I’m doing good Ubers and then–

Captain Brien: And I’ll be live tomorrow with Joe List he’ll be on the Captain’s Log. We’re going press again. We’ll be at gator country 105.5 The Beat, we’ll be on 96k-Rock, we’ll be on 103.9, and that’s tomorrow morning. Kendall are you with us tomorrow morning? Or you have school?

Kendall: I’ve got school.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: School!

Captain Brien: What does she need school for?

Erik Myers: School?! You’re rollin’ with the big dog. This guy practically runs Naples.

Captain Brien: You’ve already made it.

Erik Myers: You’ve already made it. This guy if he walks into McDonalds they’ll throw two homeless people out of line to get him an egg mcmuffin I’ve seen it done.

Captain Brien: You wanna know a funny story?

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So I’m with Kevin Hart and I don’t wanna name drop but I’m with Kevin Hart, we go to Cracker Barrel. And the freaking lady at Cracker Barrel by the way just put your feet right on my dash right there–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about it.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry Brien I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about my dash nothin’. Your grubby ass sneakers that’s good put ’em right there.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Make yourself at home.

Erik Myers: I got ArmorAll’s in my car.

Captain Brien: So we walk in to Cracker Barrel and Kevin’s got like four of his homies with him right.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: And the lady’s captain Brien oh my God I love you, what’s going on blah blah blah. And I’m with Kevin Hart and they didn’t even know who he was.

Erik Myers: That’s hilarious.

Captain Brien: And their freakin’ dudes like his whole possy thought it was the best ever. Like the best freaking day of their life they’re like this is the best thing ever.

Erik Myers: He got upstaged by captain–

Captain Brien: Yeah it was so funny.

Erik Myers: Captain B is famous out here man.

Captain Brien: And now I’ll take three zeros off of his paycheck and I’ll still be happy. Just delete three zeros and still make me happy.

Erik Myers: Oh my goodness oh my goodness. You need to add three zeros to my check.

Captain Brien: There’s no zeros on your check just one, just a zero.

Erik Myers: It’s just a zero. They give me a check for zero dollars. I owe them money at the end of the night. Like–

Captain Brien: Depends how much you eat. So no this is a true story.

Erik Myers: I eat a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Another true story. John Pinette spent upwards of $9,000 in the weekend at the hotel in the mini bar and the hotel restaurant and bar.

Erik Myers: $9,000?

Captain Brien: His bill.

Erik Myers: In a week?

Captain Brien: No dude in three days. Yes, yes.

Erik Myers: I don’t even think that’s possible.

Captain Brien: It’s possible because I saw the bill. And I was like oh I don’t pay those bills I only pay taxes and room charge not incidentals. And they’re like oh we’ll charge it to Mr. Pinette’s card thank you.

Erik Myers: $9,000.

Captain Brien: It was 90 something 600 or something.

Erik Myers: What? What was he eating?

Captain Brien: Dude it was, and it was all mini bar. How crazy is that?

Erik Myers: Well that could be three sodas from a mini bar.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers:  Where’d you have him up at the Ritz-Carlton?

Captain Brien: It was at the–

Erik Myers: Marriott?

Captain Brien: J.W. Marriott.

Erik Myers: Yeah that was the nicest hotel. He was the nicest guy on the planet.

Captain Brien: He was awesome.

Erik Myers: He was the best guy rest in peace and a comedy genius.

Captain Brien: Loved him.

Erik Myers: Yeah he took me to Mangiamo’s one time he got us like seven appetizers, I had like no money. And then I went up to a casino and lost $60 playing crabs and he gave me 60 bucks.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Mhm, and he gave me $100 tip at the end of the week. He loved me.

Captain Brien: He was a good dude.

Erik Myers: He was a nice guy.

Captain Brien: He really had a heart of gold didn’t he?

Erik Myers: He did, he did. He was a great guy and a great comic.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you in comedy? I mean you’ve been doing comedy now for what 20 years no? How long?

Erik Myers: Probaby, 17 years.

Captain Brien: 17 years?

Erik Myers: I did it twice before then but May 10th 2001 is my go to date. This has happened to me three times where someone has fallen off a stool and had to have an ambulance called and have them taken out.

Captain Brien: Here we are.

Erik Myers: Yeah that has happened to me. And it’s very weird cause I’m on stage and somebody will be drunk or they’ll take like pills or whatever before the show, and they’ll fall right off the stool and I have to stand there and I can’t really make jokes ’cause the person might be dead so it’s like but then going back on after it’s the whole shows ruined. That has happened to me three times in my life.

Captain Brien: It is weird I’ve had like people, it’s just the general public, you’ve had people have heart attacks, choke on a meal, like all kinds of crazy stuff.

Erik Myers: That would freak me out I couldn’t even watch that.

Captain Brien: You know you have thousands of people a week in your venue and weird stuff happens. So it’s the same stuff when you’re on stage I can totally get that.

Erik Myers: Have you ever have someone choking and someone had to give them the heimlich maneuver?

Captain Brien: Yeah dud a couple times.

Erik Myers: Oh my gosh. Really?

Captain Brien: I’ve had people throw up, people–

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: People lay a turd. Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude yeah yeah yeah. The general public does some weird stuff.

Erik Myers: Wait they–

Captain Brien: A turd. Fell right out of his pant leg.

Erik Myers: What do you mean?

Captain Brien: But it happens apparently ’cause the other day I was in Walmart and I literally, it was a code brown, in the aisle there was a turd on the floor. And the lady–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry about that.

Captain Brien: I was Snapchatting it–

Erik Myers: I drank some prune juice.

Captain Brien: It was a turd right in the freaking electronic section. And this was the other day, it was on my Snapchat, true story.

Erik Myers: Should have been in the toilet paper section. Wait did they put little cat ears or something on it?

Captain Brien: And I was like in the electronic section? The people in the electronic section have more money than this they shouldn’t be turding in the aisle. They should be a little educated.

Erik Myers: You need to by some apple underwear.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: The iDiaper. It plays 30 million songs.

Captain Brien: It was on the side I think it was where the accessories were they needed more accessories.

Erik Myers: He left an accessory. That’s the idukey.

Captain Brien: Oh Liz is in Massachusetts. What’s happenin’?

Erik Myers: Must be freezing.

Captain Brien: Michelle how are you? Yeah I know I’m sorry it’s actually 71 it’s gotten one degree warmer here since we’ve been doing this show.

Erik Myers: It was 66 when I woke up I was freezing. I had to put my little jackies on.

Captain Brien: What time did you wake up this morning?

Erik Myers: I woke up, you picked me up at 7:25, and I rolled out of bed around 7:24.

Captain Brien: Oh nice did you wake up when I called you?

Erik Myers: I did when you called me I lept right out of bed I was fully dressed and perked and ready to go. And I had some crystal meth right by the bed–

Captain Brien: How many Redbulls have you drank today?

Erik Myers: I am on my 19th one.

Captain Brien: No did you have your Redbull fix yet?

Erik Myers: I have an IV pumping my chest that pumps me full of glutamina and fluxtime. No I haven’t had any Redbulls today.

Captain Brien: No Redbulls?

Erik Myers: I had two cups of coffee.

Captain Brien: Usually you have a couple Redbulls to fire up the morning don’t you?

Erik Myers: Well then stop and get me one peanuts.

Captain Brien: I gotta go we gotta go radio because–

Erik Myers: Brien I was thirsty, I was parched.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of traffic today so this episode might run a little longer ’cause I–

Erik Myers: I’m running out of wise cracks.

Captain Brien: What is that? Is that a set list?

Erik Myers: I was suppose to bring my set list but I accidentally brought my list of things I need from Walgreens so it’s not gonna be very funny.

Captain Brien: Okay so what is it?

Erik Myers: Nair for men. Extra small condoms. And a Caramello Bar.

Captain Brien: Wait have you actually–

Erik Myers: What’s up with Mountain Dew?

Captain Brien: Have you actually ever used Nair for men?

Erik Myers: I have.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: I did.

Captain Brien: What did you put it on?

Erik Myers: We don’t need to talk about it.

Captain Brien: No did you put it on your junk?

Erik Myers: I put it on my bald spot that’s why.

Captain Brien: No.

Erik Myers: I wanted to look older and more distinguished.

Captain Brien: It’s working.

Erik Myers: I did it is working. I Naired my legs one time. I Naired my legs one time because they were so hairy.

Captain Brien: Sarah’s said she’s been to the club at least ten times and Erik Myers is our absolute favorite.

Erik Myers: Awwwww Sarah I lovins you. Bless your little heart. Bless your little heart.

Captain Brien: You put the Nair on your nuts?

Erik Myers: I did one time yes.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Yes, and Nair takes off one layer of skin and your nuts is like one and a half layers of skin.

Captain Brien: Does it say on the package that it’s okay for that area or no?

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I see a picture of nuts with like the ghostbusters thing, don’t do it. I, my balls were like transparent. It looked like a sandwich bag with two plums in it.

Captain Brien: That’s a nice size package.

Erik Myers: They were like ghost balls–

Captain Brien: If they were the size of plums, each one was the size of a plum? That’s a big package.

Erik Myers: I have gigantic balls. I get it from my mother. My grandmother had a huge sac. We use to call her coin purse. Big balls.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I’ve laughed that much on a Captain’s Log ever and that’s embarrassing you made me laugh so hard.

Erik Myers: Oh my God, my grandmothers sac was saggin’ down to the fuckin’ Antarctica. Oh sorry.

Captain Brien: Oh great now you’re cursing. Oh my God. Ida what’s going on?

Erik Myers: Brien, Ida!

Captain Brien: We’re in Fort Meyers and we’re stuck in traffic there’s a lot of traffic and the sun’s right in our face.

Erik Myers: We’re stuck.

Captain Brien: I gotta tell the camera guy to do some adjusting on the light here.

Erik Myers: What camera guy? You got a freaking five dollar thing from Walmart.

Captain Brien: Alright fine well whatever.

Erik Myers: You could buy that when–

Captain Brien: It sounds better when ya know they can’t see it. I have to build it up like it’s a real thing.

Erik Myers: I wonder if the guy who shit on the floor in Walmart is watching this right now crying.

Captain Brien: I literally–

Erik Myers: I ate a bunch of fruit loops!

Captain Brien: Right after I Snapchatted it, a little guy came over with gloves on and a mask. And I’m life you’ve got gloves and a mask on everybody’s walking around normal, what the hell is wrong with this turd? Is this like a radioactive turd?

Erik Myers: If you step in it you’ll become turd man.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: Like spider man, that’s your origin story. Wait did you ever see Caddy Shack? There was like a baby Ruth in the bowl and someone picks up and eats it.

Captain Brien: Oh my God they I think they’ve shortened this light they’re letting three people go through at a time.

Erik Myers: Dude this is preposterous.

Captain Brien: It’s so many–

Erik Myers: I could walk to the damn hotel.

Captain Brien: Well we’re not going to the hotel we’re going to 103.9.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m done tired.

Captain Brien: You’re done for the day?

Erik Myers: What do you want from me?

Captain Brien: Hey you guys wanna see Erik tonight? Use the promo code E-M-F at

Erik Myers: Come see me!

Captain Brien: And I promise he’s funny he’s hysterical.

Erik Myers: I’m hysterical.

Captain Brien: And John Charles is opening up for you.

Erik Myers: John Charles! Yes he is the hilarious John Charles, very funny comedian and the Fazzle.

Captain Brien: Is he comin’?

Erik Myers: He’s hosting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God Fazzle. Fazzle watches all the time. Fazzle–

Erik Myers: Fazzle’s great I love Fazzle. He’s very funny.

Captain Brien: Fazzle I’ve given him a hard time this morning and–

Erik Myers: Why he’s a good guy! He’s got funny jokes.

Captain Brien: I always give him a hard time it’s fun.

Erik Myers: Brien you damn–

Captain Brien: Kendall how’s your experience on the Captain’s Log so far?

Kendall: It’s good, it’s good.

Captain Brien: Are you doing okay?

Kendall: Oh yeah I’m doing great.

Captain Brien: Alright Kendall how come no male interns ever wanna be my intern? It’s always females.

Erik Myers: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Kendall why is that? Is my ad specific female specific?

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: No it’s not!

Kendall: It’s targeted.

Captain Brien: I did not. I didn’t even run an ad so it’s at the college–

Erik Myers: What does it say on the ad?

Captain Brien: It’s FGCU.

Kendall: No prostitutes.

Erik Myers: Male prostitutes–

Captain Brien: You have to put in your size and measurements. That’s the qualification.

Erik Myers: For the tip of your intern?

Captain Brien: No I’m joking it’s at FGCU.

Erik Myers: Me too right here sexual harassment.

Captain Brien: No guys ever apply, I was just wondering why it’s always females.

Erik Myers: I applied.

Captain Brien: Well you had to be in school.

Erik Myers: I said I’d fuck you. You never returned my calls.

Captain Brien: I blocked you after that.

Erik Myers: I sent you a sexy Snapchat of me shitting on the floor at Walmart. And I said this could be your face.

Captain Brien: That was you? That was you?

Erik Myers: I’m the Walmart shitter, I’ve been five places in the tri state area.

Captain Brien: I’m a little disappointed, I honestly thought that post would go more viral than it did. It only had like a thousand views. On Snapchat. I was pissed I mean you guys should have given it more love. It was a turd dammit!

Erik Myers: I think you shit on there to drum up business. For captain Brien.

Captain Brien: I didn’t even even do it, I just happened to come across a turd on the floor.

Erik Myers: You should sell captain Brien’s diapers for adults.

Captain Brien: Yes. It’s part of my merch at I sell that with my vodka, that’s captain spelled out, Brien B-R-I-E-N dot com. You can buy all the merch.

Erik Myers: I’m drinking captain Brien vodka right now and I’m hallucinating.

Captain Brien: No you’re not we’d shut you off.

Erik Myers: No he cut me off he said it’s not alcoholic fun punch.

Captain Brien: So you guys wanna listen to us after this shenanigans is over which is in just a few minutes–

Erik Myers: I sad!

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on Big Mama the Wild Bunch because we just finished on 105.5 The Beat.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: And after that around ten o’clock we’re gonna be on 96k-Rock with Jeff Sitto.

Erik Myers: I’m so excited.

Captain Brien: And Kendall has already failed. She’s suppose to be videoing. You’d think she’d video one time. Kendall have you videod done anything during this show yet today?

Kendall: No not at all.

Captain Brien: Zero?

Kendall: Zero.

Captain Brien: What am I paying you for?

Erik Myers: She’s relaxing!

Captain Brien: You should pay me for all this exposure.

Erik Myers: She’s getting paid.

Captain Brien: Yes it’s a–

Erik Myers: I gotta do this for free.

Captain Brien: It’s a damn shame.

Erik Myers: I’m a big star.

Captain Brien: This is what I think should happen right now. She should pay us for all the freaking knowledge we’re giving her.

Kendall: We’ll go to Five Guys.

Captain Brien: It’s ridiculous.

Erik Myers: It’s on you and you’re not even getting free tickets to the show.

Captain Brien: I’m calling the labor board right now.

Erik Myers: I’m calling them, I’m depressed.

Captain Brien: What are you gonna tell them?

Erik Myers: I’m gonna tell them I need to work. You’ve been talking about poo poo all day it’s making me sick. People are shittin’ on the damn floor at Kmart.

Captain Brien: No it’s Walmart.

Erik Myers: Why are you shopping where everyone’s shitting on the floor?

Captain Brien: It was Walmart in Naples. This is real, I’m not lying.

Erik Myers: Well rich people shit too.

Captain Brien: Well they don’t on the floor.

Erik Myers: You idealist.

Captain Brien: You don’t have to take it on the floor.

Erik Myers: Well you know some people gotta go they’re old.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing you ever did in Walmart?

Erik Myers: Me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers: I shit on the floor.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: In aisle seven. Is that where, in electronics!

Captain Brien: It was in electronics.

Erik Myers: I was, I got so excited by the apple watches I just shit right on the floor.

Captain Brien: That was not you, that was not you!

Erik Myers: I got so excited.

Captain Brien: It was small, it could have been a small child. It wasn’t like a huge plop, it was like a little turd.

Erik Myers: I take small poops. I only eat raisins.

Captain Brien: Did you ever do anything crazy at Walmart? Everyone’s got a good crazy Walmart story no?

Kendall: Oh hell yeah.

Erik Myers: One time my friend, no this wasn’t at Walmart, this was at like Rooms To Go, he dared me to lay in the bed, like the display bed and put the blankets over me and when anyone walked by he was like videotaping me, anyone walked by I was like hey can you wake me up in 20 minutes for work? And people gave me the dirtiest look, they finally threw me out.

Captain Brien: Did you sleep?

Erik Myers: I was like pretending to sleep but I had my shoes and all my clothes on and I got under the blankets and these people were walking by the bed and I was like can you guys keep it down? We were like making a YouTube video but they didn’t know it because he was hiding and the manager came by and he was yelling at me I was like okay give me five more minutes. I was like what time is it? Wake me up at three I gotta go to work. It was actually kinda funny but.

Captain Brien: It sounds funny.

Erik Myers: Yeah I don’t know what the craziest thing I ever did at Walmart–

Captain Brien: One of the craziest things I ever did I know was I don’t know if that’s legal but we’re just gonna roll with that right there like that.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: The video like that.

Erik Myers: You can’t even see the oncoming traffic I don’t feel safe in this vehicle Brien.

Captain Brien: Let’s see. It’s another camera angle you know.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m a professional Uber driver I think I know how to drive.

Captain Brien: Really? Why did Kendall switch positions?

Kendall: I need a better angle.

Captain Brien: Oh you need a better look?

Erik Myers: She’s trying to jump out of the car and I don’t blame her.

Captain Brien: So one time I had a bike race in Walmart. That was fun.

Erik Myers: In Walmart?

Captain Brien: Yeah we used their bikes and–

Erik Myers: Who raced you and your kids?

Captain Brien: No a couple buddies. We were driving around Walmart on our bikes and racing and then the guy was like sir you can’t do that anymore. And I was like okay I’ll ride it back and I just drove it right back and parked it.

Erik Myers: What was that post you did on Facebook your kid was like my hair looks dead ass ratchet today or something?

Captain Brien: My daughter when she was like–

Erik Myers: So she got her cellphone back right?

Captain Brien: Yeah she got her cellphone back. She said something like dad my hair looks ratchet I need to get it cut today, dead ass. I was like you’re 11 nothing’s dead ass and it’s not ratchet.

Erik Myers: What does ratchet even mean?

Captain Brien: I don’t know. It’s like a ghetto term of like–

Kendall: Daytona.

Erik Myers What does it mean?

Kendall: Daytona, Daytona is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Daytona is ratchet. Like the city?

Kendall: Daytona Beach on spring break is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Really?

Erik Myers: What is ratchet?

Captain Brien: Yeah what’s ratchet mean?

Erik Myers: We’ll ask the college girl.

Captain Brien: Yeah the college girl knows.

Kendall: Ratchet is like just very dirty very grimy.

Erik Myers: Dirty and grimy.

Kendall: And gangsta

Captain Brien: Dirty and grimy and gangsta.

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s ratchet?

Kendall: That’s ratchet.

Erik Myers: I’m ratchet.

Kendall: Twerking, twerking on a stage is ratchet.

Erik Myers: ‘Cause it’s dirty?

Captain Brien: I like to twerk. How’s your twerkin’ skills?

Erik Myers I can’t really make my butt cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: No?

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Oh I make them clap.

Erik Myers: It’s kind of a soft calm.

Captain Brien: I make it clap make it clap make it clap.

Erik Myers: It’s like a golf clap.

Captain Brien: That’s my move.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: That’s my move that’s what I do at the club right away I go right to the clap.

Erik Myers: You make them ass cheeks clap?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: I like to twerk. I twerk at Walmart.

Captain Brien: You do?

Erik Myers: I make them ass cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: In the aisle?

Erik Myers: Yeah and then the values fall down. It’s like 10% off, I’m like, they’re like 20% off. My balls are flappin’ around.

Captain Brien: You make it rain.

Erik Myers: I make it rain, I make it hail–

Captain Brien:  We’re not making it rain here on the Captain’s Log but we are–

Erik Myers: Prounce no.

Captain Brien: We are causing a lot of problems.

Erik Myers: I’m making diarrhea.

Captain Brien: I’m trying to drive Jesus what’re you doing?

Erik Myers: You call this drivin’? Jesus Christ

Captain Brien: Yes luckily this car drives itself.

Erik Myers: I think you’re legally blind.

Captain Brien: The car drives itself so we’re good.

Erik Myers: Well it sucks.

Captain Brien: I just gotta stay like semi on the road.

Erik Myers: Kendall will you drive? Because I think Brien’s had one too many captain Briens cocktails.

Captain Brien: Look there’s a cop right here in front of us. This is my move. If we get pulled over I’m always gonna put the live on air sign on. Don’t you think that would work? I hope that works. Actually I hope I never get pulled over–

Erik Myers: If we do we’ll get shot and put it on YouTube. but if I do I’m just gonna turn on the live on air, and he’s gonna say sir why are you live on air? Well I film a show in this car sir and I’m just doing a stunt. This was a stunt.

Captain Brien: This is a stunt.

Captain Brien: A speeding stunt.

Erik Myers: It’s a speeding stunt. I think you’d get off.

Captain Brien: I think it could work.

Erik Myers: Whenever I tell a cop I’m a comedian they always let me go. They’re like tell me a joke.

Captain Brien: Well guys thanks for tuning in. Go see Erik tonight at Off the Hook. We’re going on 103.9–

Erik Myers: When do we start filming this?

Captain Brien: We’re gonna start the show in a minute and this is the Captain’s Log. You guys like share say hello, there’s a little bell in the corner–

Erik Myers: Little bell!

Captain Brien: Ring that, press that little bell and you get notified that we’re live. When we’re live on the air you will know.

Erik Myers: You should have little twerking–

Captain Brien: And then if you had fun, if you enjoyed even a half a second of this show, give it a like. If you enjoyed more than five minutes then you have to share it, it’s just common law. And thanks for tuning in we had fun we’re here.

Erik Myers: Gracious!

Captain Brien: We’ll be back tomorrow with Joe List. Thanks for watching guys this is the Captain’s Log and oh yeah you can watch all the episodes on YouTube you can see this live but you can download the podcasts, Stitch or iTunes, Sound Cloud. I’m just gonna keep talking I don’t know why, this show’s over. Erik go do something, I don’t pay you anymore, you’re done.

Season 1 Episode 102: The Captain’s Log with Tom Cotter & Captain Brien ready to bring in the New Year!

Happy New Year! We started our with lots of laughs from Tom Cotter. Also want to thank everyone for supporting and being part of the Captain’s Log! Set those goals and Let’s kick 2019’s butt!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. 

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 100: The Captain’s Log with special guest Deborah from the Freedom Waters Foundation!

On the episode of the #captainslog captain Brien always here bringing the community together !

Watch full video here ————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!


Season 1 Episode 94: The Captain’s Log with Host Captain Brien Spina and Guest Comedian Erik Myers

Today’s guest is comedian Erik Myers! He just can’t get enough of the Captain’s Log! Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info

Watch full video at

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 93: The Captain’s Log with Host Capt Brien Spina and Guest Comedian Kellen Erskine

Today’s guest is the hilarious Kellen Erskine! Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captianslog for the latest info

Watch full video

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Season 1 Episode 85: The Captain’s Log with Captain Brien and Mitch Green on their way to grub!

On this episode of the #naplescaptainslog watch Captain Brien and his special guest Mitch Green go to a charity barbecue! He is also the owner of the Coffee Bar 239!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

Watch full video at

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!