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S2:E5 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Joe List and Captain Brien!



Come join Captain Brien and Joe List on this super funny adventure!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

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PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: What’s goin’ on? This is the Captains Log. Comedian Joe List, what’s up buddy?

Joe List: Not too much.

Captain Brien: This is your first appearance.

Joe List: I know, this is terrifying. By the way, this is like a great camera shot. You were pulling back, so like, it’s like the background is changing.

Joe List: Happy to be here. This is exciting.

Captain Brien: Thanks man.

Joe List: I’ve never done anything in a car before, other than sex, yeah.

Captain Brien: This is your first? A lot of sex in the car?

Joe List: Uh, I wouldn’t say a lot, but you know, twice–

Captain Brien: You keep it real.

Joe List: Yeah, my aunt was a spicy lady.

Captain Brien: Oh, not in the marriage though, I bet. That’s probably not car sex material.

Joe List: No, we don’t even have a car,

Joe List: so we’d have to rent a car.

Captain Brien: Or sex.

Joe List: Yeah, I’d have to rent the sex also.

Joe List: Alright, I’m tryin’ to find myself.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna pop up here in a minute so you can share it. We’re live with Joe List, he’s gonna be at Off The Hook, go ahead, he’s probably live now, and it’s gonna be all weekend. Thursday, which is tonight, there’s gonna be a show at seven, and seven to nine all weekend, all the way through Sunday.

Joe List: I can’t wait.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a good time, and this is your second time here, but, my goodness, you were a rookie when you came last.

Joe List: Yeah, well, I mean I was a veteran, but it feels, I’ve been doing comedy so long. I started in comedy when I was nine years old. I’m 30 years in here.

Captain Brien: What were you telling, Jack and Jill jokes?

Joe List: Yeah, that was

Joe List: It was Jack and Jill have sex in a car. Yeah, I was here in Summer, maybe May of ’09.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Joe List: I was opening for Nick Di Paolo, and that was when the club was in Marco Island, or on Marco Island, whatever you say.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: And we stayed at like a resort. I dunno if you remember.

Captain Brien: You did.

Joe List: You put us in this crazy resort.

Captain Brien: It was a good deal.

Joe List: It was unbelievable, I mean, for me–

Captain Brien: You should have paid me for that.

Joe List: It was pretty unbelievable.

Joe List: It was like the nicest place. I still have photos somewhere, on Facebook I think.

Captain Brien: They’ve actually redid that resort, and they spend like 100 million dollars to make it even better.

Joe List: Oh wow.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, I know. Now it’s a JW Marriott. Before it was the Marco Island Marriott, and they say it’s one of the busiest Marriott’s in the world. They stay like, 99% occupied, year round.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And enough about them, ’cause they don’t, they don’t sponsor this show.

Joe List: Yeah

Captain Brien: The hell with them.

Joe List: No, I hope they all die.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, exactly.

Joe List: I shouldn’t say that. This is going out live. I can’t even edit this.

Captain Brien: We are live. You can’t.

Joe List: Oh geez.

Joe List: I don’t hope anyone dies. I want everyone to be great and fine.

Captain Brien: Did you get to share it?

Joe List: I did, I’m shared.

Captain Brien: You are shared

Joe List: So what does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.

Captain Brien: That means that your people right now, if they’re on there watching, which they will be, and maybe they’re, you know, scrolling through, they can say hi. If you guys are watching, tell us hello, what city you’re in. I’ll even give you tickets to tonight’s show. Can I give ’em some tickets?

Joe List: Yeah, please. This is gonna be depressing though if no one writes,

Joe List: “Hey, I’m a fan of Joe.”

Captain Brien: Hey, stay tuned. You never know, I mean, they could be watching on their phone at work, and they don’t wanna get busted.

Joe List: I hope so, yeah.

Captain Brien: They just sneak peeks. But yeah, I mean like, 180 thousand people a week watch.

Captain Brien: Wow. Between all the shows, I’m on every day.

Joe List: 180 thousand.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s good.

Joe List: Yeah, that’s great.

Captain Brien: It’s been steady, so we’re havin’ fun.

Joe List: I’m happy to be here. I hope I get those kinda numbers.

Captain Brien: You brought your wife.

Joe List: I did, my wife is here. Come on out Sarah.

Captain Brien: No, she’s not here now.

Joe List: No, she’s at home, sleeping. She’s in the hotel sleeping.

Captain Brien: Do you have any kids?

Joe List: She came along. No kids.

Captain Brien: No kids?

Joe List: Sex, no kids. Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Wow, that guy just blew his airhorn.

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Ace is the place, the helpful place, and apparently he’s helping that guy put his car in gear.

Joe List: Yeah, look up from his texts. But yeah, my wife is here. She’s in bed right now, but she’s hilarious. I don’t think she’s ever been here either, to Naples.

Captain Brien: No? This is her first?

Joe List: First time, yeah. We do Key West every year, but this is our first time–

Captain Brien: So, there is a club down in Key West, right?

Joe List: It’s not a club, uh, I guess it’s a club. My friend would be mad if he heard me say that. It’s a bar, show, but they’re kinda makin’ it a club.,

Captain Brien: Yeah, but it’s only been-a goin’ for a couple of years, right?

Joe List: Yeah, a little bit.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they actually contacted me and I said I wasn’t gonna do it.

Joe List: Oh, really?

Captain Brien: It was too much for me.

Joe List: Yeah, it’s a lot, I mean it’s a strange place, and it’s hard to get to. It’s a weird island, but it’s a fun place. You can walk around naked, they have a–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like the Garden of Eden. Did you go up there?

Joe List: Garden of Eden? I’ve been there a few times. Well last time–

Captain Brien: Did you pull out the whole junk?

Joe List: When I went years ago, in my drinking day, I don’t drink anymore. I’m old and I’m gay now, but uh–

Captain Brien: Do you know Gary da Silva? He’s in Billerica, Mas.

Joe List: I know Gary da Silva!

Captain Brien: What’s up buddy!

Joe List: Gary’s a firefighter. I’ve known Gary for 20 years. More than 20 years.

Captain Brien: Well we’re giving you a little shout out right there. Put out all those good fires and be safe Gary.

Joe List: Yeah, Gary, come down to Naples, right now, immediately. We got a show tonight.

Captain Brien: Yeah, support the show. Buy a ticket, he said.

Joe List: Hope that’s the right Gary though. Be bad if it was–

Captain Brien: Nah, Gary de Silva, it’s your boy.

Joe List: Yeah, that is my boy.

Captain Brien: He loves you.

Joe List: That’s nice. That’s who I get. I don’t get fans, I just get people I grew up with.

Joe List: But anyway, I don’t even know what I was sayin’ now.

Captain Brien:- Me neither. Do you have ADD? ‘Cause I do.

Joe List: Well I think we all do now with the phones. Forget  about it.

Captain Brien: Is it the phone keepin’ you busy?

Joe List: It’s all I do. I just look at the phone and that’s it.

Captain Brien: And you forget it, like what’s goin’ on.

Joe List: A lot of times. I’ve gotten better, but I think I’m better than most. When I’m with people, I’m great. When I’m by myself on the road, I do a lot of looking at the phone. It’s the situation.

Captain Brien: I do too, and when I look at the phone though, sometimes I can’t hear anybody else, just the phone.

Joe List: Oh yeah, totally. You’re immersed.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: Against the whole world. Part of me, some of it’s great. You can learn, like a lot of times I’m not just looking, scrolling through social media, I’m reading shit.

Captain Brien: I do the same thing. I hate reading novels, but I’m definitely learning like, what’s going on in the world or what’s trending.

Joe List: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s trending on Instagram.

Joe List: Yeah, you’re obviously very savvy.

Captain Brien: That’s very important!

Joe List: That’s important stuff. No, I do well, I’ll read. But this is what I do now. Now I’ll watch a movie and like, three minutes in, I’m like, “I’m gonna look up the director. “I’m gonna find out where the director grew up.”, and then I’m like, I can’t even watch the movie. I keep pausing, I’m like, “Let me see “if she’s ever been naked in anything.”

Captain Brien: What about the documentaries? Those kill me, ’cause I’m like, “Now I gotta Google what’s going on “with this guy’s life before it ends.”

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: And I’m the middle, I’m like, “Ah, I already know this guy’s made it “or it’s a bust.”

Joe List: Right. By the way, this guy just wrote in that I was saying I’m old and gay. Now I remember it. We were talking about Key West. About goin’ to Garden of Eden, and I used to get naked there, but now, in sobriety and older age, I don’t get so naked.

Captain Brien: And you can’t bring out your phone at the Garden of Eden, right? They don’t let you.

Joe List: Yeah, not allowed to.

Captain Brien: Right away, they get on top of you for that. It’s frowned upon.

Joe List: When I first went there, I was like so excited, ’cause I was 23 or 24, and I was like, “I’m gonna go see some naked people.” But the people that get naked at Garden of Eden, are 125 years old.

Captain Brien: It’s not the same. It’s not the same caliber.

Joe List: Yeah, not like beautiful women walkin’ around topless. You’re gonna see an old pud.

Captain Brien: Now there is some naked resorts across the world, like in Ibiza and stuff where there’s some very attractive naked people, but the Garden of Eden seems to attract not the finest, not 10’s.

Joe List: Yeah, no.

Captain Brien: There could be some good sevens.

Joe List: It’s not a hot spot. I think maybe you get a visitor or something like that, but I think it’s also, ends up being mostly dudes that think they’re gonna go see a hot woman.

Captain Brien: A bunch of naked chicks.

Joe List: So you’ve got like 11 naked guys and a few people in their pants, goin’ “This sucks.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: I feel like I’m–

Captain Brien: I never did that. I never went to the Garden of Eden, but I know it well, ’cause I’ve been to Key West, and who doesn’t hear about the Garden of Eden?

Joe List: It’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: It is?

Joe List: I spent some time in Key West, and I didn’t, I do now, I go there every year to do the show, but when I was young, my friend Tom Dustin who runs the show, we went down there and had a wild time, and we got robbed by two women in Miami the day before we went.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Joe List: We lost all our cash. Yeah, I had a $1,000 in cash taken from me.

Captain Brien: No, a lady robbed you?

Joe List: Yeah, well what happened was, I guess they were kinda like, ladies of the night. I thought I was just killin’ it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you thought you were hookin’ up with these chicks.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. So we were walkin’ around drunk.

Captain Brien: I gotta hear this.

Joe List: And I was the only guy, I’m wearing like, jeans and sneakers, and I’m wearing like, New Balance sneakers walkin’ up South Beach in Miami, which is like, the hippest place on earth.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you looked like an easy target, ’cause they’re like, “These guys are on vacation.”

Joe List: Yeah, I looked like a goof. I had like, you know, wired glasses and jeans from Sears, everything, all Sears, head to toe.

Captain Brien: What year was this?

Joe List: This was ’06.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Joe List: So I was 24, and this woman walked up to me and she was hammerin’. She was like, “Hey baby, you wanna party?” And I was like, “Yeah, yeah, let’s rip it. “I just got here. I’m from Boston. “Lets have some fun.” She was like, “Well where are you stayin’?” I was like, “I’m stayin’ right over here.” And it was two women. They were kinda heavy, but I was, you know–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t ask for the best on the road. You take what you get.

Joe List: Yeah, I was into it, and they came up to me. I mean they sparked it, so I was like, “Yeah, let’s go to my room.” And then I was like, “I gotta find my buddy Tom.” And they were like, “No, no, he’s with our friend.” So I just thought these three random women just started grabbin’ us, and I find out later

Captain Brien: You thought you were hot shit. Like, I am freakin’ handsome in South Beach.

Joe List: Yeah, so they walked me, I mean again, these were not attractive women, but they were very nice. They were like, they took me by the arm, you know, I was elbow and elbow, I had a girl on each side, which is a dream.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Joe List: Went back to the hotel, and then one of them started, she– We can be dirty on here, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to a point, sure.

Joe List: Okay.

Captain Brien: Kinda censor it.

Joe List: I don’t wanna get too crazy but she took her bosoms out.

Captain Brien: Yes, she took out her boobies.

Joe List: Yeah, and she was pressing them on my face and kinda doin’ one of these things, and then the other girl, I was like “Where are you at? What goin’ on here?” And she was kinda touchin’ my genital area over the pants, and I was like “This is amazing, what a wild, “I’m havin’ a threesome in Key West, “I mean in Miami, I just got here an hour ago.”, and then all of a sudden, she was like, “You know what? We’re gonna get outta here.”

Joe List: And I was like, “What? I’m not even naked yet. “What’re you talkin’ about?” And they were like, “We gotta go. “It was great to meet ya’.” And then they just took off, and I was so drunk that I was like, “Boy, that was weird.” I was like, “Maybe I said somethin’.” And then I looked over. I could see the zipper of my bag was open, and I had all cash. I didn’t have an ATM card at the time.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go right to the bag? Were you like, “Yo, I got bags!”

Joe List: No, I think she was just rifling through the bag.

Captain Brien: While the other one was smothering you with the breasts.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: So you were breast smothered. That was like, her Bird Box. She Bird Boxed you.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. Classic move, a breast smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: ‘Cause you can get away with anything if you can smother someone’s face

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Joe List: with a breast.

Captain Brien: No doubt.

Joe List: So, she did that, and then the other one I think had like, one hand, she was kinda touchin’ me so I knew she was there, and then with the other hand was goin’ through my bag, and again, I’m like, extremely inebriated.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go through the bag and not your pockets? They’re good.

Joe List: They might have gone through the pockets also. I dunno.

Captain Brien: It was probably an hour. It was an hour of breast smuggling.

Joe List: They probably were like, “This guy “doesn’t have an ATM card. This guy’s a loser.” I don’t know, but they went through and I just had cash, and my mother, before I left was like, “You shouldn’t carry cash like that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: But I just didn’t have a bank card. I just had cash, so I lost 1,000, and then my friend showed up. Oh, that’s what I forgot to say. So in the middle of it, my buddy Tom showed up, and I was like “Dude, look at this! “This is crazy!” ‘Cause I didn’t realized I’d been robbed yet, and he was like, “I just got robbed.” He’s like, “I lost $500.”

Captain Brien: Get out! They had already hit him up?

Joe List: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So they literally told you, “Oh, my other friend is taking care of your buddy.”

Joe List: Yes, so it turned out he was receiving a style of sex, you know, and they were goin’ through his pockets while doing that, so he at least received like, some more sexual– It was a little more advanced, sexually than I got. I just got a boobie smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you were excited about that.

Joe List: I was thrilled with that. I mean at the time, I wasn’t exactly crushing it, nor am I now, by the way.

Captain Brien: When you’re married.

Joe List: I mean I have a beautiful wife. So anyways, that was that, and then, so it was day one of like a seven day vacation, and we lost 100% of our money. I had to call my mother. My aunt wired us some money.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Joe List: And I had to pay her back.

Captain Brien: That’s like the thing where you get the call and it’s fake, right? “Hey, I’m on vacation, I lost all my money. “Can you wire me money?”

Joe List: Yeah, it seemed like a joke, and like the day before, she was like, “This is a bad idea.”, and I was like, “Yep, we got robbed.” I mean, day one, but the nice thing was, we went down to Key West, and we started telling everyone the story. It’s a great atmosphere down there, and people would buy us drinks and stuff. People were like, “Oh, that’s terrible. “Let me get you a beer.”

Joe List: And we kinda milked it, quite a bit. We got a lot of free booze, and we would just tell the story together, and people loved it. We were a big hit down there.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Joe List: But yeah, it was great, but for years I’m finally doing well enough that I don’t add that $1,000 to my account when I look at my money.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: For years, every time I looked at my statement I’d be like, “There should be $1,000 more!”

Captain Brien: “Ah, wish I had that grand.” Yeah.

Joe List: But I also gave this great big broody speech, where I was like, “You know what, who gives a shit? “If they need to take our money, “let ’em take our money.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: “We’re not gonna let this die.” It was like this big like,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: rah, rah speech.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you felt, you were feelin’ it right from the heart, and the wallet.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly, we had to keep it goin’. We ended up havin’ like, the time of our lives. I got great photos of all of it.

Captain Brien: So, my buddy owns Irish Kevin’s. Did you get to go to Irish Kevin’s?

Joe List: Yeah, I’ve been to Irish Kevin’.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s Irish Kevin, that’s my buddy.

Joe List: No kidding.

Captain Brien: So he’s a good time. That’s how, he’s the one that contacted me and said, “My friend’s opening up a bar and gonna do comedy there. “I want you to book it.”, and then I was like, “I can’t”.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: So that’s how I was like, contacted. Wow, that guy just threw the thing right there.

Joe List: Yeah, I think he just dumped a bottle of urine out the window, which is fine, you know.

Captain Brien: So tell me, you grew up in Boston.

Joe List: Yeah, well Massachusetts, South Shore. I grew up in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: Okay, and I grew up in Wakefield.

Joe List: Yeah, which is, I feel like similar towns but flipped.

Captain Brien: Right. The opposites.

Joe List: One’s North, one’s South, which by the way, we call it Massachusetts, I never thought this was weird. We always say South Shore, the South Shore plaza, but it’s not the shore. I grew up like 35 minutes from the beach. Like the South Shore plaza–

Captain Brien: Yeah, we say North Shore.

Joe List: Yeah, as in Braintree, but it’s like, we’re not on the water.

Captain Brien: Right, we’re not on the shore, like shipwrecked.

Joe List: Yeah, people would come visit or whatever and see where I grew up, and they’re like, “So where’s the beach?” and I’m like, “The beach?”

Joe List: And I’m like, “The beach is like, 40 minutes away.”

Captain Brien: So do you have the roast beef sandwiches, like Bill & Bob’s, is that a thing on the South Shore? I know it’s huge on the North Shore.

Joe List: No, well there’s Mike’s Roast Beef was a big place. I moved to Everett for a couple of years for comedy.

Captain Brien: So in Everett, so you had like–

Joe List: There was Kelley’s was not far, and then Mike’s Roast Beef, which is still there. I still go up there.

Captain Brien: It’s delicious, right?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: There’s nothing like that around here.

Joe List: No, it was amazing. I mean someone should come down here and do a roast beef place.

Captain Brien: I did.

Joe List: You made a roast beef place?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did, in 2005. Captain Brian’s Seafood and Roast Beef, and I did the exact thing.

Joe List: And it didn’t–

Captain Brien: It did really well.

Joe List: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: It turned into Captain Brian’s, then it turned into Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: But that’s how I started, and Bill and Bob, the owner came down, he says, “I heard you’re the Bill and Bob’s “from down south. “I’m gonna see your roast beef.” and he cooked roast beef in my kitchen.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And he taught me, like, the secrets.

Joe List: Wow.

Captain Brien: The real friggin’ thing.

Joe List: Oh, I thought I had that million dollar idea by the way, but you already done it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did it. I did it, I did a lot. Some worked, some didn’t.

Joe List: That’s the way it goes.

Captain Brien: That’s how you roll.

Joe List: It’s like jokes.

Captain Brien: You gotta test out the waters.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Randy wants me to say, “I wanna hear a chicken finger.” I like to say chicken fingers. Do you say chicken finger, or chicken finger?

Joe List: Well, I’m hangin’ out with you, so I’ll start soundin’ like that again. Like when I go home to hang out with my family, I’ll start sounding a little more like a Kennedy. To me, when I was drinking, or if I’d get really angry my accent will come out a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents have lived down here for 22 years and so have I, but my accent’s mostly gone I think.

Joe List: Right.

Captain Brien: Or is it bad?

Joe List: I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Joe List: I noticed it a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents sound like they literally have never left.

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: I’m like, how do you still talk like that?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Nobody else is doing that.

Joe List: It’s interesting, because it’s just so ingrained. It’s just like how you speak I guess, but it’s weird because when I was a kid, I got made fun of ’cause I would say bathroom, and like everyone made fun of me. They were like, “What are you, an English piece of shit.”, whatever, and then I was like, “Oh, alright.”, so I stopped saying bathroom consciously, and then like, Good Will Hunting came out, and it became like, the coolest thing to sound like that,

Captain Brien: Yeah, Boston.

Joe List: so all of a sudden, like I had this accent and people would make fun of me, and I was like, “Oh god, I guess I’m a nerd. “I sound like I’m British.” So I’d change the way I talk, and then Good Will Hunting came out and all of a sudden like everyone in my class was like, “Joe, you’re wicked crazy.”, and I was like, “You didn’t sounds like that two days ago.”

Captain Brien: Like, wicked, I didn’t realize wicked wasn’t a thing.

Joe List: I didn’t either. It’s amazing how many things you realize, like Patriot’s Day is not a holiday anymore.

Captain Brien: Correct. What is Patriot’s Day?

Joe List: Yeah, I thought, that was mind blowing to me, ’cause I still to go up there every year for Patriot’s Day.

Captain Brien: And Columbus day is like, I think that people don’t get it unless you’re up there. What do you think?

Joe List: Columbus Day?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: That’s a national holiday, isn’t it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it seems like it, right? And they wanna tell you about Plymouth Rock.

Joe List: Right, Plymouth Rock they love, and that’s so fascinating, but Columbus didn’t land on Plymouth Rock.

Captain Brien: No, who did?

Joe List: The Pilgrims.

Captain Brien: The Pilgrims. So that’s why we get Patriot’s Day, or no?

Joe List: No, Patriot’s Day is about I think Battle of Bunker Hill?

Captain Brien: Oh! That’s what it–

Joe List: No wait, that’s Bunker Hill Day. Patriot’s Day is, I dunno.

Captain Brien: The Bunker Hill Monument.

Joe List: Some sort of revolution. But that’s not actually on Bunker Hill. That’s actually Breed’s Hill, and Bunker Hill is in like, Somerville.

Captain Brien: This is true. This is true.

Joe List: That’s some fun trivia.

Captain Brien: That is a good little knack that you’ve acquired along the way.

Joe List: Yeah, a little Boston trivia. By the way, are we going somewhere? I feel like you’re just flipping around. I dunno

Captain Brien: I can’t turn in this.

Joe List: what the hell’s going on.

Captain Brien: You can’t turn in there.

Captain Brien: I just drive and drive until the conversation gets dead, and once the conversation dies, I pull in.

Joe List: Every once and a while I look over, I’m like, “Where the hell are we?”

Captain Brien: There’s no turn in. There’s no access to get in here, so you gotta go down, turn, right, left, and pull in.

Joe List: Gotcha. Well Patriot’s Day is a holiday in Boston. I still go every year, ’cause the Red Sox play at 11:05am, and the marathon’s going on. I go every year.

Captain Brien: Which is the best. That’s a huge day in Boston.

Joe List: It’s the best.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: You go to the game, then you spill out. Time to watch all the, you know, the not elite runners.

Captain Brien: I go to Pizzeria Regina, I get some pizza on the way in.

Joe List: Yeah, you can do that.

Captain Brien: I love it.

Joe List: We live it up, I mean, I love it, I go every, this past year the game got rained out, which was frustrating. I was there for the bombing, which was, that’s not a fun thing to bring up on a comedy show.

Captain Brien: No. But it’s very interesting. And then did you see the movie?

Joe List: I did not see the movie.

Captain Brien: You didn’t?

Joe List: No. I saw the real life thing.

Captain Brien: I know.

Joe List: No, I did not see the movie. I should see the movie.

Captain Brien: The movie’s great.

Joe List: I’m sure it was enjoyable.

Captain Brien: It’s really interesting.

Joe List: Yeah. That was a fascinating time.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Well anyway, guys, this is the Captain’s Log. Joe List. Go see him at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight through Sunday, tellin’ the ha-ha’s, all the jokes, you’re gonna love him. You’ve seen him on Netflix, now you’ve seen him on a Captain’s Log. Joe, thanks buddy

Joe List: Thanks for havin’ me.

Captain Brien: Let’s go, we’re goin’ on

Joe List: I appreciate it.

Captain Brien: a radio station now. 103.9, then 96k-Rock. We just finished 105.5 The Beat. We’re out, and the Captain’s Log will be live tomorrow. Two episodes, so I know you’re just so excited. Seeya.


S2:E4 The Captain’s Log with Eric Myers and Captain Brien!!



Comedian Eric Myers joins us as we talk about Eric’s Uber driver job and code brown at Walmart😂!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Erik Myers out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back on the Captain’s Log. Erik Myers, what’s up buddy?

Erik Myers: What’s up peanuts?

Captain Brien: What are you doing?

Erik Myers: I’m sittin’ here havin’ a good time.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna put on my shades cause you’re too cool.

Erik Myers: I don’t know about that. I am pretty cool. I got my new leather jacket from Forever Twenty Ones, 39.99.

Captain Brien: That’s our new intern right there

Erik Myers: Who?

Captain Brien: Right there, Kendall.

Erik Myers: Hi, Kendall.

Kendall: Hi Erik.

Erik Myers: Kendall’s a rapper and she’s gonna rap for us.

Erik Myers: Go Kendall.

Captain Brien: I did hear her telling us how talented of a rapper she was.

Erik Myers: She said she was the next Biggie Smalls. That’s exactly to quote.

Captain Brien: So we just finished 105.5, The Beat.

Erik Myers: We did finish it.

Captain Brien: And, Erik, you’re performing at Off the Hook Comedy Club, tonight.

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Wednesday, yes.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: What? No.

Captain Brien: Seven o’clock show.

Erik Myers: No, I canceled that.

Captain Brien: And I’m gonna give you

Erik Myers: I have a hair appointment. I’m washing my hair. Look at it.

Captain Brien: Giving away free tickets now. Stop, you’re interrupting. It’s my god damn show.

Erik Myers: You shut up!

Captain Brien: Erik Myers tonight at 7:00.

Erik Myers: 7:00.

Captain Brien: Off the Hook Comedy Club. E-M-F, Erik Myers Free. E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com. Use that promo code and you can get free tickets.

Erik Myers: Free.

Captain Brien: To see Erik tonight. The first 20 people, after that you gotta pay.

Erik Myers: 20 of you are lucky. The rest a you is screwed.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: You have to big money to see me.

Captain Brien: I’m just gonna make my way up here because if I sit here to long that’s right when the sun is right in my face.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m practically blind I don’t even have sunglasses. You and Kendall have sunglasses and I got nothing. I’m gonna put my little visor down.

Captain Brien: Look at this visor down.

Erik Myers: It didn’t do nothin’.

Captain Brien: Well your face is really small it’s like little.

Erik Myers: I gotta little tiny peanut face. Brien why do 20 people get to see me for free tonight at seven Off the Hook Comedy Club.

Captain Brien: Offthehookcomedy.com

Erik Myers: Offthehookcomedy.com thank you, code E-M-F.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing you’re not my promo guy. My hype man.

Erik Myers: I am your hype man. E-M-F E-M-F. Promo code, seven o’clock!

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki hey Randy what’s goin’ on guys? We’re live on the Caption’s Log and today is Wednesday. This is season two, season one took 13 years to complete.

Erik Myers: I can’t believe you haven’t been canceled yet. What are the ratings of this shit?

Captain Brien: But anyway go, when you’re on the damn podcast I know you guys are, you can like it and share it, and also give us a rating on iTunes or Stitch or Sound Cloud wherever you’re watching from. Or if you’re watching on Facebook just say hello when you tune in. Tell us what city you’re watching from. ‘Cause I wanna know where you guys are today and–

Erik Myers: When wanna know where you are.

Captain Brien: And not to rub it in but it is 70 degrees sunny and we’re in Fort Myers and it’s beautiful and I’m sure where you guys are watching it’s either here or somewhere where it’s cold as hell. So tell us where that is right.

Erik Myers: It’s cold everywhere else probably.

Captain Brien: Kendall this is your first appearance on the Captain’s Log, how do you feel?

Kendall: Very honored.

Captain Brien: You are right?

Kendall: Super nervous.

Captain Brien: Oh my God it’s so scary.

Kendall: Okay very scary.

Erik Myers: Oh it’s Kobe.

Captain Brien: So Erik what’s the plan while you’re in town buddy?

Erik Myers: Brien I’m gonna do a bunch a heroin and go to Walmart.

Captain Brien: Excellent thank you, I appreciate the–

Erik Myers: They can’t ban me forever.

Captain Brien: This is a family show so that’s good.

Erik Myers: What, I bring my family.

Captain Brien: Yeah you do.

Erik Myers: Yeah I bring them to the Walmart and we all shoplift it’s a group effort. I got 100 pairs of socks last time.

Captain Brien: So I had the visor up and it was perfect right exactly in the middle of our camera shot which was good that was good.

Erik Myers: Oh you got me from all angles.

Captain Brien: I do.

Erik Myers: We need like a crotch cam to get the full effect.

Captain Brien: Yeah a lot of hair on that one.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: Biggs is watching we’re going–

Erik Myers: Big mama sent us a message.

Captain Brien: Yeah we’re headin’ over to 103 now we’re on the way to see Babs and Biggs and Mel–

Erik Myers: Yay!

Captain Brien: And you’re gonna tear it up right?

Erik Myers: I’m sure as heck gonna try.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Erik Myers: I’m gonna do this, I just started Uber driving and I wanna do like have a camera in it, almost like Cash Cab but like record people be messing with them but I don’t know would they have to sign like a release? First of all I was picking up these college kids the other day in my Uber. I’m a 30 year old Uber driver and these kids in the backseat so I’m like what’s your major? And he’s like English. And I’m like that was my major. And he just started crying. He’s like–

Captain Brien: And then did you open the door and let him out?

Erik Myers: He jumped out and I was going 50 miles an hour.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating by the way? Your big joke is that you get to rate and they get to rate you. What’s your rating as a driver?

Erik Myers: I’m rated X.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I’m driving buck naked.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating?

Erik Myers: My bare ass is pressed on the seats for all to see. I am rated 4.92.

Captain Brien: 4.92.

Erik Myers: My rating went down just because I got a four star rating but I only had 12 rides at that time. Well driving, I did Uber Miami, and it’s like first of all downtown Orlando Miami half the streets are one way streets, half the streets are closed, people drive like they’re crazy. You know in Florida people put on their turn signal people don’t let you over they speed up. They gotta be the first one to the red light or something. Everyone gets so angry in these damn cars they need to relax.

Captain Brien: So why’d someone give you a four star? Did you make the wrong turn?

Erik Myers: Because I um–

Captain Brien: They looked at your driving record? I have to talk about that.

Erik Myers: I was drinking vodka out of a thermos.

Captain Brien: Alright guys the promo code to see Erik is E-M-F because I know there’s some of the people E-M-F you get to see him tonight. Back to the Uber.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So when you signed up to be a driver they didn’t make you make you submit like your drivers license, they did a background check or anything?

Erik Myers: They did but I have a secret identity.

Captain Brien: So how–

Erik Myers: My name is Nol Galager.

Captain Brien: How the hell did that happen?

Erik Myers: I went there and I said no, I said I have a good driving record.

Captain Brien: Because you haven’t had your license.

Erik Myers: I haven’t had a license so I have nothing. I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: You’re a safe driver.

Erik Myers: I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: I’ve got a good driving record and I’m Ubering.

Captain Brien: I’m not trusting my kids with Uber anymore, not after this.

Erik Myers: What no dude I’m a good Uber driver.

Captain Brien: Thank you Vicki, E-M-F thank you Vicki yes.

Erik Myers: E-M-F Vicki come to my show please we need you.

Captain Brien: Yes I love it.

Erik Myers: I’m doing good Ubers and then–

Captain Brien: And I’ll be live tomorrow with Joe List he’ll be on the Captain’s Log. We’re going press again. We’ll be at gator country 105.5 The Beat, we’ll be on 96k-Rock, we’ll be on 103.9, and that’s tomorrow morning. Kendall are you with us tomorrow morning? Or you have school?

Kendall: I’ve got school.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: School!

Captain Brien: What does she need school for?

Erik Myers: School?! You’re rollin’ with the big dog. This guy practically runs Naples.

Captain Brien: You’ve already made it.

Erik Myers: You’ve already made it. This guy if he walks into McDonalds they’ll throw two homeless people out of line to get him an egg mcmuffin I’ve seen it done.

Captain Brien: You wanna know a funny story?

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So I’m with Kevin Hart and I don’t wanna name drop but I’m with Kevin Hart, we go to Cracker Barrel. And the freaking lady at Cracker Barrel by the way just put your feet right on my dash right there–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about it.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry Brien I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about my dash nothin’. Your grubby ass sneakers that’s good put ’em right there.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Make yourself at home.

Erik Myers: I got ArmorAll’s in my car.

Captain Brien: So we walk in to Cracker Barrel and Kevin’s got like four of his homies with him right.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: And the lady’s captain Brien oh my God I love you, what’s going on blah blah blah. And I’m with Kevin Hart and they didn’t even know who he was.

Erik Myers: That’s hilarious.

Captain Brien: And their freakin’ dudes like his whole possy thought it was the best ever. Like the best freaking day of their life they’re like this is the best thing ever.

Erik Myers: He got upstaged by captain–

Captain Brien: Yeah it was so funny.

Erik Myers: Captain B is famous out here man.

Captain Brien: And now I’ll take three zeros off of his paycheck and I’ll still be happy. Just delete three zeros and still make me happy.

Erik Myers: Oh my goodness oh my goodness. You need to add three zeros to my check.

Captain Brien: There’s no zeros on your check just one, just a zero.

Erik Myers: It’s just a zero. They give me a check for zero dollars. I owe them money at the end of the night. Like–

Captain Brien: Depends how much you eat. So no this is a true story.

Erik Myers: I eat a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Another true story. John Pinette spent upwards of $9,000 in the weekend at the hotel in the mini bar and the hotel restaurant and bar.

Erik Myers: $9,000?

Captain Brien: His bill.

Erik Myers: In a week?

Captain Brien: No dude in three days. Yes, yes.

Erik Myers: I don’t even think that’s possible.

Captain Brien: It’s possible because I saw the bill. And I was like oh I don’t pay those bills I only pay taxes and room charge not incidentals. And they’re like oh we’ll charge it to Mr. Pinette’s card thank you.

Erik Myers: $9,000.

Captain Brien: It was 90 something 600 or something.

Erik Myers: What? What was he eating?

Captain Brien: Dude it was, and it was all mini bar. How crazy is that?

Erik Myers: Well that could be three sodas from a mini bar.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers:  Where’d you have him up at the Ritz-Carlton?

Captain Brien: It was at the–

Erik Myers: Marriott?

Captain Brien: J.W. Marriott.

Erik Myers: Yeah that was the nicest hotel. He was the nicest guy on the planet.

Captain Brien: He was awesome.

Erik Myers: He was the best guy rest in peace and a comedy genius.

Captain Brien: Loved him.

Erik Myers: Yeah he took me to Mangiamo’s one time he got us like seven appetizers, I had like no money. And then I went up to a casino and lost $60 playing crabs and he gave me 60 bucks.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Mhm, and he gave me $100 tip at the end of the week. He loved me.

Captain Brien: He was a good dude.

Erik Myers: He was a nice guy.

Captain Brien: He really had a heart of gold didn’t he?

Erik Myers: He did, he did. He was a great guy and a great comic.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you in comedy? I mean you’ve been doing comedy now for what 20 years no? How long?

Erik Myers: Probaby, 17 years.

Captain Brien: 17 years?

Erik Myers: I did it twice before then but May 10th 2001 is my go to date. This has happened to me three times where someone has fallen off a stool and had to have an ambulance called and have them taken out.

Captain Brien: Here we are.

Erik Myers: Yeah that has happened to me. And it’s very weird cause I’m on stage and somebody will be drunk or they’ll take like pills or whatever before the show, and they’ll fall right off the stool and I have to stand there and I can’t really make jokes ’cause the person might be dead so it’s like but then going back on after it’s the whole shows ruined. That has happened to me three times in my life.

Captain Brien: It is weird I’ve had like people, it’s just the general public, you’ve had people have heart attacks, choke on a meal, like all kinds of crazy stuff.

Erik Myers: That would freak me out I couldn’t even watch that.

Captain Brien: You know you have thousands of people a week in your venue and weird stuff happens. So it’s the same stuff when you’re on stage I can totally get that.

Erik Myers: Have you ever have someone choking and someone had to give them the heimlich maneuver?

Captain Brien: Yeah dud a couple times.

Erik Myers: Oh my gosh. Really?

Captain Brien: I’ve had people throw up, people–

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: People lay a turd. Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude yeah yeah yeah. The general public does some weird stuff.

Erik Myers: Wait they–

Captain Brien: A turd. Fell right out of his pant leg.

Erik Myers: What do you mean?

Captain Brien: But it happens apparently ’cause the other day I was in Walmart and I literally, it was a code brown, in the aisle there was a turd on the floor. And the lady–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry about that.

Captain Brien: I was Snapchatting it–

Erik Myers: I drank some prune juice.

Captain Brien: It was a turd right in the freaking electronic section. And this was the other day, it was on my Snapchat, true story.

Erik Myers: Should have been in the toilet paper section. Wait did they put little cat ears or something on it?

Captain Brien: And I was like in the electronic section? The people in the electronic section have more money than this they shouldn’t be turding in the aisle. They should be a little educated.

Erik Myers: You need to by some apple underwear.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: The iDiaper. It plays 30 million songs.

Captain Brien: It was on the side I think it was where the accessories were they needed more accessories.

Erik Myers: He left an accessory. That’s the idukey.

Captain Brien: Oh Liz is in Massachusetts. What’s happenin’?

Erik Myers: Must be freezing.

Captain Brien: Michelle how are you? Yeah I know I’m sorry it’s actually 71 it’s gotten one degree warmer here since we’ve been doing this show.

Erik Myers: It was 66 when I woke up I was freezing. I had to put my little jackies on.

Captain Brien: What time did you wake up this morning?

Erik Myers: I woke up, you picked me up at 7:25, and I rolled out of bed around 7:24.

Captain Brien: Oh nice did you wake up when I called you?

Erik Myers: I did when you called me I lept right out of bed I was fully dressed and perked and ready to go. And I had some crystal meth right by the bed–

Captain Brien: How many Redbulls have you drank today?

Erik Myers: I am on my 19th one.

Captain Brien: No did you have your Redbull fix yet?

Erik Myers: I have an IV pumping my chest that pumps me full of glutamina and fluxtime. No I haven’t had any Redbulls today.

Captain Brien: No Redbulls?

Erik Myers: I had two cups of coffee.

Captain Brien: Usually you have a couple Redbulls to fire up the morning don’t you?

Erik Myers: Well then stop and get me one peanuts.

Captain Brien: I gotta go we gotta go radio because–

Erik Myers: Brien I was thirsty, I was parched.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of traffic today so this episode might run a little longer ’cause I–

Erik Myers: I’m running out of wise cracks.

Captain Brien: What is that? Is that a set list?

Erik Myers: I was suppose to bring my set list but I accidentally brought my list of things I need from Walgreens so it’s not gonna be very funny.

Captain Brien: Okay so what is it?

Erik Myers: Nair for men. Extra small condoms. And a Caramello Bar.

Captain Brien: Wait have you actually–

Erik Myers: What’s up with Mountain Dew?

Captain Brien: Have you actually ever used Nair for men?

Erik Myers: I have.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: I did.

Captain Brien: What did you put it on?

Erik Myers: We don’t need to talk about it.

Captain Brien: No did you put it on your junk?

Erik Myers: I put it on my bald spot that’s why.

Captain Brien: No.

Erik Myers: I wanted to look older and more distinguished.

Captain Brien: It’s working.

Erik Myers: I did it is working. I Naired my legs one time. I Naired my legs one time because they were so hairy.

Captain Brien: Sarah’s said she’s been to the club at least ten times and Erik Myers is our absolute favorite.

Erik Myers: Awwwww Sarah I lovins you. Bless your little heart. Bless your little heart.

Captain Brien: You put the Nair on your nuts?

Erik Myers: I did one time yes.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Yes, and Nair takes off one layer of skin and your nuts is like one and a half layers of skin.

Captain Brien: Does it say on the package that it’s okay for that area or no?

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I see a picture of nuts with like the ghostbusters thing, don’t do it. I, my balls were like transparent. It looked like a sandwich bag with two plums in it.

Captain Brien: That’s a nice size package.

Erik Myers: They were like ghost balls–

Captain Brien: If they were the size of plums, each one was the size of a plum? That’s a big package.

Erik Myers: I have gigantic balls. I get it from my mother. My grandmother had a huge sac. We use to call her coin purse. Big balls.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I’ve laughed that much on a Captain’s Log ever and that’s embarrassing you made me laugh so hard.

Erik Myers: Oh my God, my grandmothers sac was saggin’ down to the fuckin’ Antarctica. Oh sorry.

Captain Brien: Oh great now you’re cursing. Oh my God. Ida what’s going on?

Erik Myers: Brien, Ida!

Captain Brien: We’re in Fort Meyers and we’re stuck in traffic there’s a lot of traffic and the sun’s right in our face.

Erik Myers: We’re stuck.

Captain Brien: I gotta tell the camera guy to do some adjusting on the light here.

Erik Myers: What camera guy? You got a freaking five dollar thing from Walmart.

Captain Brien: Alright fine well whatever.

Erik Myers: You could buy that when–

Captain Brien: It sounds better when ya know they can’t see it. I have to build it up like it’s a real thing.

Erik Myers: I wonder if the guy who shit on the floor in Walmart is watching this right now crying.

Captain Brien: I literally–

Erik Myers: I ate a bunch of fruit loops!

Captain Brien: Right after I Snapchatted it, a little guy came over with gloves on and a mask. And I’m life you’ve got gloves and a mask on everybody’s walking around normal, what the hell is wrong with this turd? Is this like a radioactive turd?

Erik Myers: If you step in it you’ll become turd man.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: Like spider man, that’s your origin story. Wait did you ever see Caddy Shack? There was like a baby Ruth in the bowl and someone picks up and eats it.

Captain Brien: Oh my God they I think they’ve shortened this light they’re letting three people go through at a time.

Erik Myers: Dude this is preposterous.

Captain Brien: It’s so many–

Erik Myers: I could walk to the damn hotel.

Captain Brien: Well we’re not going to the hotel we’re going to 103.9.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m done tired.

Captain Brien: You’re done for the day?

Erik Myers: What do you want from me?

Captain Brien: Hey you guys wanna see Erik tonight? Use the promo code E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com.

Erik Myers: Come see me!

Captain Brien: And I promise he’s funny he’s hysterical.

Erik Myers: I’m hysterical.

Captain Brien: And John Charles is opening up for you.

Erik Myers: John Charles! Yes he is the hilarious John Charles, very funny comedian and the Fazzle.

Captain Brien: Is he comin’?

Erik Myers: He’s hosting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God Fazzle. Fazzle watches all the time. Fazzle–

Erik Myers: Fazzle’s great I love Fazzle. He’s very funny.

Captain Brien: Fazzle I’ve given him a hard time this morning and–

Erik Myers: Why he’s a good guy! He’s got funny jokes.

Captain Brien: I always give him a hard time it’s fun.

Erik Myers: Brien you damn–

Captain Brien: Kendall how’s your experience on the Captain’s Log so far?

Kendall: It’s good, it’s good.

Captain Brien: Are you doing okay?

Kendall: Oh yeah I’m doing great.

Captain Brien: Alright Kendall how come no male interns ever wanna be my intern? It’s always females.

Erik Myers: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Kendall why is that? Is my ad specific female specific?

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: No it’s not!

Kendall: It’s targeted.

Captain Brien: I did not. I didn’t even run an ad so it’s at the college–

Erik Myers: What does it say on the ad?

Captain Brien: It’s FGCU.

Kendall: No prostitutes.

Erik Myers: Male prostitutes–

Captain Brien: You have to put in your size and measurements. That’s the qualification.

Erik Myers: For the tip of your intern?

Captain Brien: No I’m joking it’s at FGCU.

Erik Myers: Me too right here sexual harassment.

Captain Brien: No guys ever apply, I was just wondering why it’s always females.

Erik Myers: I applied.

Captain Brien: Well you had to be in school.

Erik Myers: I said I’d fuck you. You never returned my calls.

Captain Brien: I blocked you after that.

Erik Myers: I sent you a sexy Snapchat of me shitting on the floor at Walmart. And I said this could be your face.

Captain Brien: That was you? That was you?

Erik Myers: I’m the Walmart shitter, I’ve been five places in the tri state area.

Captain Brien: I’m a little disappointed, I honestly thought that post would go more viral than it did. It only had like a thousand views. On Snapchat. I was pissed I mean you guys should have given it more love. It was a turd dammit!

Erik Myers: I think you shit on there to drum up business. For captain Brien.

Captain Brien: I didn’t even even do it, I just happened to come across a turd on the floor.

Erik Myers: You should sell captain Brien’s diapers for adults.

Captain Brien: Yes. It’s part of my merch at captainbrien.com. I sell that with my vodka, that’s captain spelled out, Brien B-R-I-E-N dot com. You can buy all the merch.

Erik Myers: I’m drinking captain Brien vodka right now and I’m hallucinating.

Captain Brien: No you’re not we’d shut you off.

Erik Myers: No he cut me off he said it’s not alcoholic fun punch.

Captain Brien: So you guys wanna listen to us after this shenanigans is over which is in just a few minutes–

Erik Myers: I sad!

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on Big Mama the Wild Bunch because we just finished on 105.5 The Beat.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: And after that around ten o’clock we’re gonna be on 96k-Rock with Jeff Sitto.

Erik Myers: I’m so excited.

Captain Brien: And Kendall has already failed. She’s suppose to be videoing. You’d think she’d video one time. Kendall have you videod done anything during this show yet today?

Kendall: No not at all.

Captain Brien: Zero?

Kendall: Zero.

Captain Brien: What am I paying you for?

Erik Myers: She’s relaxing!

Captain Brien: You should pay me for all this exposure.

Erik Myers: She’s getting paid.

Captain Brien: Yes it’s a–

Erik Myers: I gotta do this for free.

Captain Brien: It’s a damn shame.

Erik Myers: I’m a big star.

Captain Brien: This is what I think should happen right now. She should pay us for all the freaking knowledge we’re giving her.

Kendall: We’ll go to Five Guys.

Captain Brien: It’s ridiculous.

Erik Myers: It’s on you and you’re not even getting free tickets to the show.

Captain Brien: I’m calling the labor board right now.

Erik Myers: I’m calling them, I’m depressed.

Captain Brien: What are you gonna tell them?

Erik Myers: I’m gonna tell them I need to work. You’ve been talking about poo poo all day it’s making me sick. People are shittin’ on the damn floor at Kmart.

Captain Brien: No it’s Walmart.

Erik Myers: Why are you shopping where everyone’s shitting on the floor?

Captain Brien: It was Walmart in Naples. This is real, I’m not lying.

Erik Myers: Well rich people shit too.

Captain Brien: Well they don’t on the floor.

Erik Myers: You idealist.

Captain Brien: You don’t have to take it on the floor.

Erik Myers: Well you know some people gotta go they’re old.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing you ever did in Walmart?

Erik Myers: Me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers: I shit on the floor.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: In aisle seven. Is that where, in electronics!

Captain Brien: It was in electronics.

Erik Myers: I was, I got so excited by the apple watches I just shit right on the floor.

Captain Brien: That was not you, that was not you!

Erik Myers: I got so excited.

Captain Brien: It was small, it could have been a small child. It wasn’t like a huge plop, it was like a little turd.

Erik Myers: I take small poops. I only eat raisins.

Captain Brien: Did you ever do anything crazy at Walmart? Everyone’s got a good crazy Walmart story no?

Kendall: Oh hell yeah.

Erik Myers: One time my friend, no this wasn’t at Walmart, this was at like Rooms To Go, he dared me to lay in the bed, like the display bed and put the blankets over me and when anyone walked by he was like videotaping me, anyone walked by I was like hey can you wake me up in 20 minutes for work? And people gave me the dirtiest look, they finally threw me out.

Captain Brien: Did you sleep?

Erik Myers: I was like pretending to sleep but I had my shoes and all my clothes on and I got under the blankets and these people were walking by the bed and I was like can you guys keep it down? We were like making a YouTube video but they didn’t know it because he was hiding and the manager came by and he was yelling at me I was like okay give me five more minutes. I was like what time is it? Wake me up at three I gotta go to work. It was actually kinda funny but.

Captain Brien: It sounds funny.

Erik Myers: Yeah I don’t know what the craziest thing I ever did at Walmart–

Captain Brien: One of the craziest things I ever did I know was I don’t know if that’s legal but we’re just gonna roll with that right there like that.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: The video like that.

Erik Myers: You can’t even see the oncoming traffic I don’t feel safe in this vehicle Brien.

Captain Brien: Let’s see. It’s another camera angle you know.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m a professional Uber driver I think I know how to drive.

Captain Brien: Really? Why did Kendall switch positions?

Kendall: I need a better angle.

Captain Brien: Oh you need a better look?

Erik Myers: She’s trying to jump out of the car and I don’t blame her.

Captain Brien: So one time I had a bike race in Walmart. That was fun.

Erik Myers: In Walmart?

Captain Brien: Yeah we used their bikes and–

Erik Myers: Who raced you and your kids?

Captain Brien: No a couple buddies. We were driving around Walmart on our bikes and racing and then the guy was like sir you can’t do that anymore. And I was like okay I’ll ride it back and I just drove it right back and parked it.

Erik Myers: What was that post you did on Facebook your kid was like my hair looks dead ass ratchet today or something?

Captain Brien: My daughter when she was like–

Erik Myers: So she got her cellphone back right?

Captain Brien: Yeah she got her cellphone back. She said something like dad my hair looks ratchet I need to get it cut today, dead ass. I was like you’re 11 nothing’s dead ass and it’s not ratchet.

Erik Myers: What does ratchet even mean?

Captain Brien: I don’t know. It’s like a ghetto term of like–

Kendall: Daytona.

Erik Myers What does it mean?

Kendall: Daytona, Daytona is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Daytona is ratchet. Like the city?

Kendall: Daytona Beach on spring break is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Really?

Erik Myers: What is ratchet?

Captain Brien: Yeah what’s ratchet mean?

Erik Myers: We’ll ask the college girl.

Captain Brien: Yeah the college girl knows.

Kendall: Ratchet is like just very dirty very grimy.

Erik Myers: Dirty and grimy.

Kendall: And gangsta

Captain Brien: Dirty and grimy and gangsta.

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s ratchet?

Kendall: That’s ratchet.

Erik Myers: I’m ratchet.

Kendall: Twerking, twerking on a stage is ratchet.

Erik Myers: ‘Cause it’s dirty?

Captain Brien: I like to twerk. How’s your twerkin’ skills?

Erik Myers I can’t really make my butt cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: No?

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Oh I make them clap.

Erik Myers: It’s kind of a soft calm.

Captain Brien: I make it clap make it clap make it clap.

Erik Myers: It’s like a golf clap.

Captain Brien: That’s my move.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: That’s my move that’s what I do at the club right away I go right to the clap.

Erik Myers: You make them ass cheeks clap?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: I like to twerk. I twerk at Walmart.

Captain Brien: You do?

Erik Myers: I make them ass cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: In the aisle?

Erik Myers: Yeah and then the values fall down. It’s like 10% off, I’m like, they’re like 20% off. My balls are flappin’ around.

Captain Brien: You make it rain.

Erik Myers: I make it rain, I make it hail–

Captain Brien:  We’re not making it rain here on the Captain’s Log but we are–

Erik Myers: Prounce no.

Captain Brien: We are causing a lot of problems.

Erik Myers: I’m making diarrhea.

Captain Brien: I’m trying to drive Jesus what’re you doing?

Erik Myers: You call this drivin’? Jesus Christ

Captain Brien: Yes luckily this car drives itself.

Erik Myers: I think you’re legally blind.

Captain Brien: The car drives itself so we’re good.

Erik Myers: Well it sucks.

Captain Brien: I just gotta stay like semi on the road.

Erik Myers: Kendall will you drive? Because I think Brien’s had one too many captain Briens cocktails.

Captain Brien: Look there’s a cop right here in front of us. This is my move. If we get pulled over I’m always gonna put the live on air sign on. Don’t you think that would work? I hope that works. Actually I hope I never get pulled over–

Erik Myers: If we do we’ll get shot and put it on YouTube. but if I do I’m just gonna turn on the live on air, and he’s gonna say sir why are you live on air? Well I film a show in this car sir and I’m just doing a stunt. This was a stunt.

Captain Brien: This is a stunt.

Captain Brien: A speeding stunt.

Erik Myers: It’s a speeding stunt. I think you’d get off.

Captain Brien: I think it could work.

Erik Myers: Whenever I tell a cop I’m a comedian they always let me go. They’re like tell me a joke.

Captain Brien: Well guys thanks for tuning in. Go see Erik tonight at Off the Hook. We’re going on 103.9–

Erik Myers: When do we start filming this?

Captain Brien: We’re gonna start the show in a minute and this is the Captain’s Log. You guys like share say hello, there’s a little bell in the corner–

Erik Myers: Little bell!

Captain Brien: Ring that, press that little bell and you get notified that we’re live. When we’re live on the air you will know.

Erik Myers: You should have little twerking–

Captain Brien: And then if you had fun, if you enjoyed even a half a second of this show, give it a like. If you enjoyed more than five minutes then you have to share it, it’s just common law. And thanks for tuning in we had fun we’re here.

Erik Myers: Gracious!

Captain Brien: We’ll be back tomorrow with Joe List. Thanks for watching guys this is the Captain’s Log and oh yeah you can watch all the episodes on YouTube you can see this live but you can download the podcasts, Stitch or iTunes, Sound Cloud. I’m just gonna keep talking I don’t know why, this show’s over. Erik go do something, I don’t pay you anymore, you’re done.


Season 1 Episode 102: The Captain’s Log with Tom Cotter & Captain Brien ready to bring in the New Year!



Happy New Year! We started our with lots of laughs from Tom Cotter. Also want to thank everyone for supporting and being part of the Captain’s Log! Set those goals and Let’s kick 2019’s butt!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. 

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!


Season 1 Episode 101: The Captain’s Log with Emma Willmann and Captain Brien Blindfolded!



On this episode of the #captainslog Captain Brien and the super funny Emma Willmann! See how well Captain Brien can do driving with a blindfold!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!


Season 1 Episode 100: The Captain’s Log with special guest Deborah from the Freedom Waters Foundation!



On the episode of the #captainslog captain Brien always here bringing the community together !

Watch full video here ————>

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

 


Season 1 Episode 99: The Captain’s Log with Meals From The Mitten author Gina Ferwerda!



On this episode of the #captainslog Brien and author Gina Ferwerda talk about her book and the true meaning of where her recipes originated!

Watch full video here ———-> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnWozL4PdsA&t=68s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!


Season 1 Episode 96: The Captain’s Log here to tell you how you can help the Boy & Girls Club!



On this episode of the #Captainslog learn how you can support the Boys and Girls Club and why it’s important that you do!

Watch full video here ———> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW8M2Le4a4k 

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!