Epsiode 256 Songs, Cars and Guitars!

Comedian J Chris Newberg joins the #naplescaptainslog and sings us some improv songs on his guitar! Tune in “Little Buddies!”

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Captain Brien: We are live. J Chris Newberg guys, what’s happening?

J Chris Newberg: This is the brand new theme song to your show.

Captain Brien: I’m ready. I’m gonna share it.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. Tell me when you want me to start.

Captain Brien: You can start.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. ♪ We’re down in Florida ♪ ♪ That’s in Florida ♪ ♪ We’re on a podcast ♪ ♪ In a car ♪ ♪ It’s a Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ And Brien will not drive unless I’m playing ♪ ♪ My guitar ♪

Captain Brien: We have to play the guitar.

J Chris Newberg: ♪ And if you doubt how much I die if we crashed ♪ ♪ You would not be wrong ♪ ♪ What’s up with that ♪ ♪ Get your vodka ♪ ♪ Get your comedy ♪ ♪ Get your early morning radio three stops before 8:00 a.m. ♪ ♪ Oh it’s 8:39 Captain’s Log ♪

Captain Brien: Thank you, that was off the cuff buddy. Here we go.

J Chris Newberg: I think people could tell.

Captain Brien: You think, you think?

J Chris Newberg: I think they could figure it out.

Captain Brien: You don’t think that was scripted.

J Chris Newberg: No, I think it was good.

Captain Brien: Appreciate you joining me man. It wasn’t really by choice. You just have to do radio and this is what we do for touring comedians, huh?

J Chris Newberg: This is the gig.

Captain Brien: And I get you in the car so I can ask you a bunch of good questions.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, comedians with guitars getting driven.

Captain Brien: In the cars.

J Chris Newberg: In the cars.

Captain Brien: With guitars.

J Chris Newberg: With guitars.

Captain Brien: And you didn’t want a coffee this morning, huh? I asked you.

J Chris Newberg: I don’t drink coffee.

Captain Brien: I asked you if you want Dunkin’ Donuts, anything.

J Chris Newberg: Nope.

Captain Brien: Breakfast or nothing, you just go straight up.

J Chris Newberg: No I’m trying to starve myself for when I host Confetti on Wednesday.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, so is this a fast? That’s what they call it these days.

J Chris Newberg: Well no, I do the intermittent fasting. Yeah, twice a week.

Captain Brien: How does that work? Tell me what you do.

J Chris Newberg: Well you just, it’s 16 hours in between meals where all you’re allowed is water.

Captain Brien: Right.

J Chris Newberg: It’s not so hard.

Captain Brien: No it’s not that hard ’cause you do it at night. I do it actually.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah you go like, I’ll stop eating at like nine. And then I can eat at 1:00 p.m.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s not that hard.

J Chris Newberg: No and people are always so confused, they’re like, well they should call breakfast something ’cause you’re breaking a fast. I’m like, how ’bout breakfast?

Captain Brien: Yeah breakfast.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, which is another thing. It’s just like, why don’t they have a magazine about making America great again called Magazine?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I get it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, that’s a thing, that’s a thing.

Captain Brien: That should be coming.

J Chris Newberg: Shout out to Carl Rimi.

Captain Brien: Carl Rimi, comedian extraordinaire, been on the show many times, my good buddy.

J Chris Newberg: Carl, I hope he didn’t make you play guitar.

Captain Brien: No, Carl doesn’t play the guitar. Carl likes to hit the gym, works out.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, he knows about intermittent fasting.

Captain Brien: That’s right, that’s right he does, he does. So where are you coming in from?

J Chris Newberg: I was just in Los Angeles. And I flew to Florida, Flo-Rida, as the cool kids like to call it, by way of Atlanta.

Captain Brien:  Atlanta, the ATL.

J Chris Newberg: Yep, the ATL. Heard a really horrible conversation. I refer to myself as airplane Chris. When I get tired, I get irritated, like irritable. And I’m not even doin’ a bit. Like I just can’t not get annoyed out loud. And I’m a pretty calm person, but like if I haven’t slept in a bunch. There was this guy and he was hitting on this girl in front of me. You know, like when you’re in line on the jetway, and you’re just trying to get on the plane and it’s all bottlenecked and whatever. This guy’s in front of me and he’s like oh, there’s a Shake Shack here at the airport. Isn’t that weird? And she’s like, that is weird. He’s like I like Shake Shack shakes. He’s like, they’re good. She’s like, that is weird. He’s like, do you take Uber? And I was like, come on. What are you talking about?

Captain Brien: What are you doing? J Chris Newberg is our guest today on the Captain’s Log. Guys, you can find him @thechrisarmy right?

J Chris Newberg: @thechrisarmy. Shoutout to Brendan Mulvena.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Brendan Mulvena in the house watching the Captain’s Log here today. So Chris, this is what, is this your fifth or sixth time here?

J Chris Newberg: I think it’s more than that. I was two years prior to when the pipe burst in Marco Island at that house we stayed at.

Captain Brien: Oh wow, in the ceiling or whatever?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and the whole ceiling fell.

J Chris Newberg: Whole ceiling fell. I was there two years before that.

Captain Brien: Wow, that was a while ago. My goodness. So you might even have been 10 times here.

J Chris Newberg: I think so, yeah.

Captain Brien: And have we ever done the Captain’s Log?

J Chris Newberg: No, this is the first time on the Log.

Captain Brien: This is the first time on the Log man. It’s because I was kinda lazy. I would only do it randomly. I should have done it all the time though.

J Chris Newberg: First off, you’ve never been lazy. Shout out to Vicki Baker.

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki.

J Chris Newberg: You’ve never been lazy. Every time I come in town you’re like, oh I got this new thing. I invented the straw, you know. Or like oh, have you thought about putting, you know, iPads on top of the roof of your car so that like planes can see. You’re a hustler.

Captain Brien: I know, I know. I’m always coming up with something. Imagine if I acted on everything that I thought of though.

J Chris Newberg: I mean, there’s time.

Captain Brien: There is, there is. I try to do as much as I can, but I can’t do it all. It’s the story of my life.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, it’s crazy.

Captain Brien: One day, something’s gonna hit big though.

J Chris Newberg: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna hit big, big time.

J Chris Newberg: I believe in it.

Captain Brien: You know, I’m pushing this vodka right now.

J Chris Newberg: Oh that’s right you have vodka.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

J Chris Newberg: Sugar free, is it better? Or is it competitive with Tito’s?

Captain Brien: It is. It’s actually very similar because the style of distilling that Tito’s does, we do the same thing. Although, we’re 26 calories less than Tito’s. I don’t want to brag but.

J Chris Newberg: No, you don’t need to. It brags itself.

Captain Brien: It’s organic and it’s all Florida made.

J Chris Newberg: You’re using all the right buzzwords.

Captain Brien: We are, we are.

J Chris Newberg: Do you only use that vodka in your restaurant?

Captain Brien: I do, I do.

J Chris Newberg: So no one can, if I come in, I’m like, I’d like a Tito’s.

Captain Brien: We have Tito’s and we have well. But for the most part, everything is, all of our specialty drinks are Captain Briens. All my gin, my rum, my vodka, my dark rum. It’s all made like that.

J Chris Newberg: Do you have a to-go license? Can people buy it there?

Captain Brien: I sell it in almost 70 stores in Florida and I just broke out of maybe about 180 new stores that are signed to deal with. Can you play me a tune?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah absolutely.

Captain Brien: Dude, play me something that, I love some of the new stuff.

J Chris Newberg: Okay. You want me to leave the, do you want me to do.

Captain Brien: No, you can go full on baby, full on. This is the Log.

J Chris Newberg: It’s the log.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

J Chris Newberg: Okay, all right how ’bout this one. Okay, I’ll do the voicemail one that I just did.

Captain Brien: Oh I like that one.

J Chris Newberg: This should be everybody’s outgoing voicemail because everybody hates when people call them. ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ And I hate that you called ♪ ♪ If you leave a voicemail ♪ ♪ I’ll kick you in the balls ♪ ♪ Nevermind, just hang up ♪ ♪ I hate you now ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Nevermind, I blocked you ♪ There you go, it’s short.

Captain Brien: People aren’t leaving messages anymore right? You call. If you do want to talk to ’em, you call. And then when the message comes on, you immediately hang up and you send ’em a text.

J Chris Newberg: It’s lazy.

Captain Brien: Isn’t that how it works?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, why not just send ’em a text?

Captain Brien: I think because if you want to get something out right away and you’re driving, you call. Otherwise, I think you do send a text.

J Chris Newberg: I think that’s the way to go. I do a lot of the voice texting.

Captain Brien: I do the video. Like if I’m driving, I just put on record, send a video, like hey, this is me, this is what I want to tell you. And you are gonna click on this message and watch it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah that’s great.

Captain Brien: That’s how I do it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I do it. It’s like it’s super old school and everything. But you know, it’s easier if I’m driving. Are you allowed to text in Florida?

Captain Brien: You are, but I put the phone right there, and I just hit play and record.

J Chris Newberg: That’s crazy.

Captain Brien: Boom and I just do it and talk.

J Chris Newberg: That’s nuts.

Captain Brien: It’s good though. I love the technology these days.

J Chris Newberg: Technology’s huge. Can you imagine when you were younger, when you were growing up and you were on the bike, or the scooter, or the skateboard? Side note, I think the hardest part about scooters is that people have to see you on them.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s the roughest.

J Chris Newberg: That’s the worst thing. When you were, you know, at your wee smallest, did you ever think, hey there’s gonna be a time in my life where I’m driving, I’m on the phone doing a podcast, pitching a vodka I’ve created, and then on my way to another radio station to promote so people come out to my restaurant comedy club and it’s all technology?

Captain Brien: No I did not ever think of those scenarios together.

J Chris Newberg: What was the dream? Like, what did you want to be?

Captain Brien: A chef.

J Chris Newberg: A chef.

Captain Brien: I wanted to be a chef and I wanted to have a restaurant. And I accomplished that pretty quick. I mean, when I was 23, I think I was 23 and I opened up my first restaurant in Marco Island. So that was done. The dream was met. And then it’s never stopped.

J Chris Newberg: Okay the brand new dream. So once you hit the goal, is it like Mr. Jones from Counting Crows? You’ve got all your dreams come true and then you hit a new.

Captain Brien: I like the struggle, yeah. I like the struggle of getting there. And then I kind of, I feel like the novelty wears off a little bit once it gets to the plateau of success. I want to go on to the next thing. But I always have to have a couple little irons in the fire at once. That keeps me goin’.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I get bored. Like I mean, it’s not just music, or just standup, or just writing. If I’m on the road, I want to be on a show. If I’m on a show, I want to be on the road. I want to be writing. I want to do all that other stuff. So yeah.

Captain Brien: So your recently started a new podcast.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, my podcast is fun. You guys should check it out, Heroin Has a Great Publicist. It’s about things that are fucked that people do anyway. And if anybody who is listening to this show or watching on my page, shout out to the addicts. What up kids, what up fam? It’s such a fun thing. It’s like, regardless of how many people are watching or listening, there’s something so powerful and honest about being able to do a podcast ’cause you’re just talking. Like the people who listen, whether it’s the seven now live, or 700, however many it is that it ends up being, they come to you. Maybe not all at once, but when they have time. It’s just like things you download. But they’re legit fans. And they want to be there. They want content.

Captain Brien: And they interact and they send you messages and it’s fun. It’s like a whole family. You call it The Chris Army.

J Chris Newberg: I do, I call The Chris Army.

Captain Brien: How’d you come up with that?

J Chris Newberg: I hated my last name. I don’t really hate it. But it’s like it’s not memorable because I have the pretentious first initial J, born James, go by Chris. So I was J Chris Newberg. Which arguably could be as Mellencamp popular if I became huge. But it’s not the most immediately memorable. You know, it’s like the Yngwie Malmsteen of like names. You know, Brien Spina, that’s sharp. Then you got the Captain. It’s there, you’re already there.

Captain Brien: It’s all three?

J Chris Newberg: Yes.

Captain Brien: I need something for my followers. I keep asking somebody to name the followers. What are they gonna be called?

J Chris Newberg: The little buddies.

Captain Brien: The little buddies.

J Chris Newberg: my God, that’s great. The little buddies.

Captain Brien: That’s what we should be?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah the little buddies.

Captain Brien: I like that.

J Chris Newberg: I’m a little buddy. Yeah, ’cause it’s full on Gilligan’s Island.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh I get it. And so they’re all like little captains.

J Chris Newberg: They’re all little Gilligans. Oh you could call ’em Gilligans. No, I think little buddies.

Captain Brien: The little buddies is good, but I didn’t get it until you said it full on.

J Chris Newberg: But it’s catchy. Watch Captain’s Log. What’s up little buddies, huge.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s cute, it’s cute.

J Chris Newberg: My fans are junkies or addicts. Not legit, but that’s what they go by. And you know, it’s a thing. And then you get like, it’ll be like, it could be a hashtag. Watch Captain’s Log, #LB. You can have little buddy events.

Captain Brien: Little buddy events, I like this.

J Chris Newberg: Then soon you can get in with your little buddy card.

Captain Brien: Oh like a VIP buddy.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, like if you want to come to the show and you want to buy a bottle of vodka, you get 10% off with your little buddy card.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s called the Captain’s Circle. I already have that.

J Chris Newberg: All right, well you know what, you need something.

Captain Brien: It’s an annual membership.

J Chris Newberg: It’s not gonna fly for the podcast.

Captain Brien: No, no.

J Chris Newberg:You’re not gonna be like, what up circlers? That not gonna work.

Captain Brien: What up roundabouts?

J Chris Newberg: Yeah roundabouts is good, roundabouts is good. That sounds very Beach Boys song.

Captain Brien: So what’s next for you man? You got this new Facebook show which is cool.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I’m working on Confetti and that’s fun.

Captain Brien: Tell me the premises of the show because I wasn’t sure when you first said it. ‘Cause I’ve never seen it but I know it’s really popular. And I have to now watch it.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, Confetti’s super popular. It’s a game show that you play on your phone. Your phone is your remote control. It’s touchscreen. Couldn’t be easier. It’s like a 20 minute show. You start off, host comes on, he tells jokes, he gives you shoutouts.

Captain Brien: So when the show, wait, when the show comes live, Facebook has something on your phone that they can touch?

J Chris Newberg: They send you a notification. They’re like hey, Confetti’s live. So you just click on the notification. It takes you to the Facebook page and you just hit play. So it’s not as simple as like an HQ as far as technology ’cause we don’t have our own separate app. There’s actually two steps. However, you know, you follow it and, you know, it gives you the notification, you click on it. Next thing you know you’re playing 10 pop culture trivia questions. Sometimes the shows are themed. Like we had a Star Wars episode the other day and a teacher’s episode yesterday.

Captain Brien: Was that for May the 4th be with you?

J Chris Newberg: It was.

Captain Brien: Ah, I took a good guess there.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, we get good numbers. And sometimes we’ll give away $50,000. Sometimes we’ll give away 15 and five usually. But it’s definitely, like tonight’s episode is 10,000.

Captain Brien: And you have like hundreds of thousands of people watch.

J Chris Newberg: We do not have that much. We have like around 30,000 per episode live. And then people who watch the show afterwards, it’s like three, 400,000. Yeah, but they can’t win if they’re not playing live.

Captain Brien: They have to play live to win.

J Chris Newberg: To win, yeah.

Captain Brien: So once they see the show though, I can imagine that they’re dying to play live the next time.

J Chris Newberg: Everybody gets hooked.

Captain Brien: Everybody, right.

J Chris Newberg: Yeah I mean it’s like it’s fun.

Captain Brien: This sounds awesome.

J Chris Newberg: It’s a more fun version of HQ.

Captain Brien: I do on Saturday morning, sometimes, I do barter with the captain. So they can barter with me anything they want. So if they want to get vodka, or tickets, or I have gift cards, or I even have like stuff laying around the house. They can barter with me like stuff that they have and I trade ’em out. And people like to do that.

J Chris Newberg: That’s awesome.

Captain Brien: It’s fun, I think that’s really, a lot of entertainment is gonna be coming this way I think.

J Chris Newberg: I mean I think, well there’s a new platform that’s hitting January 1st, 2020. It’s called Quibi. Quibi I want to say is Jeffrey Katzenberg’s new entertainment arm. And there’s over a billion dollars and it’s going to be basically an entertainment app on your phone. But you’re like, oh I don’t want another one. There’s too much stuff. There’s never too much stuff if the stuff that’s coming out is good.

Captain Brien: Correct.

J Chris Newberg: You know, you could have a show on Instagram Story. You could technically watch a Game of Thrones on Instagram Story if it were good enough.

Captain Brien: Correct.

J Chris Newberg: So Quibi’s coming out and it’s like they’re looking for content like crazy. What they’re doing is they’re slimming down different formats. They’re taking like, let’s say you say, like an at midnight show, which before was 24 minutes on Comedy Central. Now they’re gonna do a four minute version of Quibi so people can just watch it for four minutes, eat up the content, like it, go boom. And they’re gonna make just as much money off a billion views on a three minute clip as they’re going to on a 23 minute clip. And my theory for that is like the 5-hour Energy drink has ruined and recreated all content because people don’t have time anymore, or we convince ourselves that we don’t have time because we’re being showered with all of this content. And it’s like, so it’s like, if you say to somebody, oh watch this episode. How long is it is the first thing that they say.

Captain Brien: And then when they start watching, they like it. They like it, oh my God. This guy, what’s he doing? He’s like cuttin’ that guy off. They like it, but why do they immediately already start looking for other things.

J Chris Newberg: ‘Cause it’s habit.

Captain Brien: They go to their phone. They’re like oh I love this clip, watch this. And while you’re watching it, you ever have somebody already scroll to something else. I’m like you just told me to watch it. You can’t even stay on the phone. That’s what my kids do. That’s how they work, their generation.

J Chris Newberg: I think honestly, the most popular channel on Netflix is not watching Netflix, but scrolling looking for different things to watch and not clicking. We have such commitment issues caused by such overwhelming amounts of content.

Captain Brien: I agree, I agree. We’re in Estero, Florida now guys. We just left Fort Myers. We left 105.5 The Beat. We’re heading to 1039, Big Mama And The WiLD Bunch. And this is the Captain’s Log. I got J Chris Newberg performing live at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow, two shows. It’s a pleasure to have you Chris.

J Chris Newberg: Thanks for having me.

Captain Brien: I love always talking to you. But more importantly, can we get out with a song. Can we crank it up buddy?

J Chris Newberg: Another one?

Captain Brien: This guy’s the best, yes.

J Chris Newberg: ♪ You should call your fans ♪ ♪ Little buddies ♪ that’s it.

Captain Brien: That’s it guys, the Captain’s Log. We’re live and we are out. Be good, we’ll be back tomorrow. Have a good day.

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