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S2:E18 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Hank Denson and Captain Brien!

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Captain Brien dives in deep to find out the reason behind Hank’s special show : Pay Teacher’s More Money. Hank talks about Puerto Rican’s and the very delicious Coquito drink. Is it Egg Nogg? Watch to find out.

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qdzy65jzXI&t=7s

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The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian Hank Denson out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HankDensonComedy/
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hankdensoncomedy
  • Twitter: https://twitter.com/HankDenson

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: I’m back on the Captain’s Log! Comedian Hank Denson. What’s going on?

Hank Denson: Brum brum brum!

Captain Brien: Dude, you’re like a rockstar, paying teachers more money all over the country.

Hank Denson: No, I’m not paying them no money. Don’t say that. Don’t say that I’m paying them more money.

Captain Brien: We’re trying to get teachers more money.

Hank Denson: We’re trying to get ’em more money. We’re trying to get ’em more support. There it is, hashtag, there it is, boom.

Captain Brien:That’s your big thing.

Hank Denson: Yeah, it’s Teacher Relief Live, man. I had to change the name of Teacher Relief Live because it was making administrators nervous. I got kicked out a school here in Fort Myers.

Captain Brien: Did you?

Hank Denson: Yeah, last time I was–

Captain Brien: Why? Were you trying to go to school?

Hank Denson: The teachers had invited me and the vice principal said it was okay, but the principal shut it down. Put me out.

Captain Brien: Right out?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I had supplies. I had stuff. I had stuff to give to the teachers.

Captain Brien: Give them freebies?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and they were like, get out of here, peace, buddy. And then they called. The principal called.

Captain Brien: Now you tell me. You didn’t tell me that before I booked you. Now you tell me.

Captain Brien: Now you want to tell me you got kicked out of schools in Fort Myers.

Hank Denson: No, man, they love me here, man. I love the teachers here. They’re amazing. They’re gonna be here tonight. But no, what happened-

Captain Brien: A lot of teachers do, it’s amazing.

Hank Denson: Orange count, orange something. But the teacher’s not there no more, and the principal, hmm.

Captain Brien: What happened?

Hank Denson: It’s, they just, the culture. One thing– the culture of schools are based on how the principal and stuff is. You know, the principal sets the culture. If the principal’s messed up, then the culture’s bad for the school and it’s bad for the students, so.

Captain Brien: Well, I think that the–

Hank Denson: He’s got a light that says live on air!

Captain Brien: It is, it’s live. But the sunlight is so bright right now you can’t tell the sign’s not lit up.

Hank Denson: You should do this at night, though.

Captain Brien: I tried doing it at night, I had to put three different lights in.

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Then it’s the opposite, it’s too dark.

Hank Denson: All right, so look, let me tell you all right here, watching me. Don’t watch me unless you’re sharing it. I need you to tap the screen and share it.

Captain Brien: Say hi.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I don’t need it, tap the screen, let me know you’re here, hit the notifications right there–

Captain Brien: Tell us what town you’re watching from, that’s better, right?

Hank Denson: Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah!

Captain Brien: And then–

Hank Denson: Do you say hi to the people? What’s up, I’m Jason Jones.

Captain Brien: I say hi, sometimes, yeah. Big Mama, with that speech, we’re coming to see you right now.

Hank Denson: Okay, okay.

Captain Brien: 103.9.

Hank Denson: We’re not going, let’s not go there.

Captain Brien: We just pulled out of the Freak Show on I Heart Radio.

Hank Denson: Yes.

Captain Brien: 105.5, the Beat.

Hank Denson: Brum, brum.

Captain Brien: Head over to Beasley and chill with Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.

Hank Denson: So now you have to get a shave, now you make sure you have it nice–

Captain Brien: I have to do everything–

Hank Denson: You get your hair, you got your–

Captain Brien: I need more hair, though.

Hank Denson: You’ve got your product on.

Captain Brien: I need hair like you.

Hank Denson: Yeah. Let me tell you ’bout this hair, bro.

Captain Brien: Give me some of that.

Hank Denson: Dude, you don’t want this.

Captain Brien: It’s nice, though.

Hank Denson: It’ll mess up your tax bracket. Your credit score’ll drop, you don’t need this hair.

Hank Denson: Yo, if y’all not drinking Brien’s liquor, man, y’all need to go get a bottle now, do some day time drinking.

Captain Brien: And I’m excited, because this week the new white rum and the gin got approved, so we are about ten days away from that hitting the shelves. Be great. ‘Cause those all organic, all natural, gluten free, sugar free.

Hank Denson: Yes.

Captain Brien: Except the white rum is not sugar free.

Hank Denson: It’s not?

Captain Brien: But it’s made with organic brown sugar.

Hank Denson: Nobody believes in any of your shit you’re saying.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it is!

Hank Denson: No.

Captain Brien: It is, we’re gonna send out a promo code. It’s not on the label.

Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re lying! You lyin’!

Captain Brien: So we’re in Fort Myers, what are, you’ve been here now three times, right?

Hank Denson: Been four. So, I came two times for the teacher show. Mike Epps, and then I came for the EMS convention.

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so the EMS workers, y’all come out too. The EMS convention.

Captain Brien: Nice.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so. It’s time, man, c’mon, man.

Captain Brien: So what’s the big move, are you gonna talk about your podcast coming up?

Hank Denson: So the podcast coming up is called Sneakers Unplugged. You’ll see all the advertising and marketing for it come out next month during March Madness. We’re pushing that. Teacher Relief Live is working on a Hulu, I ain’t supposed to be saying all this, Hulu and Netflix–

Captain Brien: Talk to the Captain, there’s no one watching this.

Hank Denson: Hulu, Netflix deal. But I’mma share this. Hulu, Netflix deal, I’m excited about it. I have 15 cities, right now I’m at 10 cities. I’m pushing 20 cities, going to do the west coast tour soon. I’m excited.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I’m still on daytime TV on NBC.

Captain Brien: And you had a big hit on freakin’ Facebook.

Hank Denson: Whoa, wait a minute, so all my mi gente Puerto Rican boricua, bum-bum-bum-bum, wepa! We had a–

Captain Brien: What did you just say, just now?

Hank Denson: I just said a bunch of stuff that they say.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no idea.

Hank Denson: Yeah. So, basically what it is, I had a videos, 2.4, five million, almost, it’s five million, about coquita, which is a, base, kind of a Puerto Rican-

Captain Brien: What’s your specialty recipe? Let me hear the recipe?

Hank Denson: Oh, the, what’s in it?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Can’t tell you.

Captain Brien: C’mon.

Hank Denson: Puerto Ricans don’t like for me to tell.

Captain Brien: Dude!

Hank Denson: I tell ’em, they don’t.

They say egg nog, but there’s no egg nog in, there’s no egg in it.

Hank Denson: It’s coconut milk.

Hank Denson: All’s it is is sugar and sugar and more sugar.

Hank Denson: No, there’s no sugar!

Captain Brien:- Dude, it’s condensed milk.

Captain Brien:- Condensed milk.

Captain Brien: Evaporated milk.

Hank Denson: You’re using the leche kind, the leche, the Goya leche kind, it’s not as much sugar. But there’s less sugar than egg nog.

Captain Brien: What, I don’t know.

Hank Denson: There’s less sugar than the egg nog, man, I promise you. There’s less sugar.

Captain Brien: Sugar, egg nog is just all egg, dude.

Hank Denson: Dude, no, I promise. And egg nog, I’m lactose ignorant, so–

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: I drink egg nog and I’m

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s rough, huh?

Hank Denson: Aw, yeah.

Captain Brien: Egg nog’ll tear you up.

Hank Denson: Do you use a Squatty Potty?

Captain Brien: I had one. I had a Squatty Potty, but I never used it. I only used it twice.

Hank Denson: I fell off of mine–

Captain Brien: I just fell into the commercial, I just love the commercial so much, I was like, I’ll take one.

Hank Denson: I fell off of mine.

Captain Brien: You did?

Hank Denson: Yeah!

Captain Brien: You’re not supposed to sit on the Squatty, you’re supposed to sit on the potty!

Hank Denson: You sit on the toilet and then I didn’t have no toilet paper and I had laid my pants down. And I tried to jump off of it.

Captain Brien: And it tipped?

Hank Denson: And I tipped and I fell.

Captain Brien: Oh, my God.

Hank Denson: My wife was like, what are you doing? I’m like–

Captain Brien: Was it before or after the wipe?

Hank Denson: Yo! My wife was helping me wipe. It’s none of y’all’s business.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so–

Captain Brien: You make your coquito, and you make it yourself? You make it yourself?

Hank Denson: Yeah, I make it myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: I’ve been making it for 15 years now.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: So it’s a staple in my family, ’cause my cousins are Puerto Rican and my nephews and stuff like that, their mom–

Captain Brien: You’re not Puerto Rican.

Hank Denson: No, but my family–

Captain Brien: So you get a free pass?

Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re right. Well, I know all the foods, the culture I grew up, see, one thing about being, you’re east coast.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: So one thing about being east coast, you grew up with Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Russians, everything. So you take into the culture.

Captain Brien: They gave you a pass.

Hank Denson: I got a pass, I got a pass, man.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: I got a pass.

Captain Brien: I’m not trying to get one–

Hank Denson: You’re not going to get, no.

Captain Brien: Really?

Hank Denson: Nah, you almost look Puerto Rican, though. Just a little bit darker.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and then you have to get that different fade.

Captain Brien: Sometimes I use the emojis that aren’t the white guy emojis, I use the next color. And then people, either they’re like, okay, or they’re like, damn, dude, that’s too dark. I’m like, I got a tan that day.

Hank Denson: Nah, dude, man, I’m telling you, brown is where it’s at, man.

Captain Brien: Sometimes.

Hank Denson: Brown is it. That’s why the muscle dudes who work out.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: They put tanner on.

Captain Brien: Have you ever seen those tanners? The people that do it?

Hank Denson: Oh they spray you in a chamber, yeah? Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, that’s not even tan, they just literally airbrush you brown.

Hank Denson: It’s actually orange, it’s never really brown. My wife got sprayed for some of it, she was doing a fashion show and she had almost had it on her hands. Like on her palms–

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, and it stains?

Hank Denson: Yeah, it stains, it looks crazy.

Captain Brien: You gotta do the, you’ve gotta put on this blocker when you do it, like if you get a spray tan, you gotta put on the blocker.

Hank Denson: Oh you have to?

Captain Brien: On the nails, on your hands.

Hank Denson: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Dude, man. Let me ask you something, and I wanted to always ask you this, is why do they call you Captain Brien?

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I’m a US Coast Guard Captain.

Hank Denson: Are you really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I used to have ten boats at Marco Island.

Hank Denson: Shut up, no! No, are you serious?

Captain Brien: Yeah, dude!

Hank Denson: I can Google this information?

Captain Brien: Yes, Satisfaction Guaranteed Fishing Charters. I started the company in 1998 and I sold it in 2012.

Hank Denson: Really?

Captain Brien: Or 2011. Yeah, dude.

Hank Denson: I did not know, like, ’cause everybody’s like, call him Captain Brien, I’m like, I ain’t seen–

Captain Brien: I’m a real Captain, I’m a real US Coast Guard Captain.

Hank Denson: I haven’t seen that one boat. I’m like, all the years–

Captain Brien: Hey, Jen, up in Boston, what’s going on.

Hank Denson: Oh, yeah, Jen Eppolito, hey, are you part of the Eppolito Pizza people?

Captain Brien: No, but that’s my good friend, the Eppolitos.

Hank Denson: ‘Cause they have Eppolito Pizza in Atlanta and it is good as hell.

Captain Brien: I don’t think so. But I, they’re from Boston, but I think–

Hank Denson: They’re from Boston, where they park the car at Harvard, yo.

Captain Brien: They can probably make some good pizza, I’m sure.

Hank Denson: Yeah, yeah. I’m from Springfield.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Hank Denson: Springfield, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: I actually didn’t know that. How did I not know?

Hank Denson: ‘Cause you don’t, you don’t really talk to me a much as you talk to me right here.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: Let me let y’all know something about Captain Brien–

Captain Brien: This is the worst–

Hank Denson: Captain Brien has started talking more, he’s been talking to people more and more since he had this thing. Now, before, he would just say, hey, he would take me to get a lobster roll, all right, peace, he don’t even make–

Captain Brien: You got a lobster roll out of me, some guys don’t even.

Hank Denson: ‘Cause you loved it, cause you wanted it.

Captain Brien: You got clam strips, lobster rolls, onion rings.

Hank Denson: I clocked you at–

Captain Brien: Mashed potato whoopie pie.

Hank Denson: Yeah, you did, you did.

Captain Brien: See, dude, don’t be underestimating it.

Hank Denson: Yeah, he did hook me up.

Captain Brien: Playing it off like I didn’t treat him to some nice–

Hank Denson: Now I got–

Captain Brien: Now you’re hooked on that.

Hank Denson: Yeah, now I come down here with my son, I’ve gotta spend a hundred dollars on lobster rolls.

Captain Brien: It is delicious.

Hank Denson: Ahh, it is, man. But I didn’t know you were a real captain.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Hank Denson: I can’t take that, ’cause everybody asked.

Captain Brien: Don’t you read my bio, yes, I’m a real captain, I wrote right on that.

Hank Denson: No, I see you, I just watch you doing your little fake bike rides in the morning. I’m like, he ain’t riding a bike!

Captain Brien: There’s nothing fake about that.

Hank Denson: I was like, why is the background not moving?

Captain Brien: C’mon, now, I do ride it, I ride out on that bike. And you know what? I ride out on the bike, I have a track.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And at track they have this membership thing where you buy it.

Hank Denson: Uh-huh.

Captain Brien: And they put on new tubes and new tires when you need ’em.

Hank Denson: Oh really?

Captain Brien: And they, yeah, you just pay like a one time fee or something.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And so, I brought the thing back three times and all three times they’re like, your tires are ready to get replaced. I’m like, there’s nothing left. When do I get my damn free tires?

Hank Denson: So, it’s free? Oh, so they’re waiting for you to bust a tire.

Captain Brien: Basically you need–

Hank Denson: Or flip off the bike.

Captain Brien: You need threads showing out the tire before they give you new tires on that deal.

Hank Denson: See, that’s–

Captain Brien: They don’t tell you that.

Hank Denson: That’s rich people problems.

Captain Brien: Right?

Hank Denson: What I do is just steal somebody else’s bike.

Captain Brien: You just borrow it?

Hank Denson: I just steal somebody else, I just take somebody else’s bike.

Captain Brien: You ever stole a bike?

Hank Denson: Yeah, twice.

Captain Brien: No!

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: What happened?

Hank Denson: Well, outside the candy shop, there’s a candy stop that we used to grow up around, it’s called Knorr’s in Springfield.

Captain Brien: Like, someone’s bike that you didn’t know?

Hank Denson: Yeah and it was, yeah. And the kid left his bike, I knew his brother. I knew his brother couldn’t beat me up, so what I did was, after we got our candy, me and my brother, my cousin didn’t wanna walk back, so we just took his bike.

Captain Brien: And then what, you left it at his house?

Hank Denson: We left it down the street from his house.

Captain Brien: That’s like a nice steal.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and then the other bike we stole, I shouldn’t even be telling y’all this. All right, so I’mma tell y’all this story.

Captain Brien: It’s already past it.

Hank Denson: Don’t incriminate me but I didn’t steal the bike, it was a motorcycle.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: My cousins in Brooklyn, this is what they used to do. They used to get, they used to steal motorcycles.

Captain Brien: A distributor calling me.

Hank Denson: Why do people call when you’re doing live?

Captain Brien: People do, and they’ll text me, oh, you’re live right now?

Hank Denson: So my cousins–

Captain Brien: I’m like, yeah, no.

Hank Denson: Different parts of the- cousins. Used to steal motorcycles. So what they would do is, and one of my cousins, he got in trouble for it. What they would do was, they would get a helmet and they would go downtown and then they would wait for somebody to come out to get on their motorcycle and they would hit him in the head with a helmet and they would take their motorcycle.

Captain Brien: What? That’s thug stealing. That’s real.

Hank Denson: Yep.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: That’s why I’m such a nice guy now. I don’t–

Captain Brien: You stopped doing that? Or that wasn’t–

Hank Denson: I was just young, I was young, I was like a teenager, I didn’t know no better.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: They used to steal Chinese food from the Chinese food place.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I, I never stole anything.

Hank Denson: You don’t have to.

Captain Brien: No but I just–

Hank Denson: You never had to.

Captain Brien: I didn’t, I just was so worried.

Hank Denson: I know your mom and dad, they look like they’re good providers.

Captain Brien: They’re good, they, yeah.

Hank Denson: My parents were good providers but, I used to get around my cousins, man, they used to just do stuff. Used to make us steal Chinese food, we would order two General Tso’s chicken which was F12s, and they would just tell us, we was like, we’ll go and pick ’em up. And they would put ’em in the–

Captain Brien: And then you–

Hank Denson: They put ’em in the window, waiting for us to pay and my cousin would snatch ’em and run.

Captain Brien: Seriously.

Hank Denson: And I would be like, yo. And I’m just a kid with ’em.

Captain Brien: And you had to go with ’em. Boom. Was it good Chinese food?

Hank Denson: It was excellent, man

Captain Brien: Was it Boston Chinese food or–

Hank Denson: No, New York.

Captain Brien: Ohh.

Hank Denson: So it was real good, no rice and peas, none of that nasty carrots and stuff.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Hank Denson: And then we used to camp, summer camp, the same thing. My cousins didn’t want to stay for the day camp. When you stay for the camp, it was done by the church so they would make you pray and do all this stuff.

Captain Brien: Right.

Hank Denson: Cousins didn’t want to do all that so they were like, yo, we’re gonna go get these sandwiches and we’ll get these cookies and the juice, and we’re gonna run. And my–

Captain Brien: You just planned it out.

Hank Denson: And they would go over there and, I didn’t know that they were going to do this, they would just, get your lunch and run, Henry!

Captain Brien: That’s like chew and screw.

Hank Denson: Thing is I had asthma, and I was a sickly kid then. So I was, I wasn’t fast. And it was, I was always scared somebody’s gonna catch me, and, hey, I’m gonna tell. ‘m a snitch.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re going right out.

Hank Denson: Oh, I’m telling. I’d rather tell than my mother get a hold of me any day.

Captain Brien: Oh my God

Hank Denson: It is so beautiful here–

Captain Brien: It is that, right?

Hank Denson: I just left Cleveland, I love y’all, Cleveland, but y’all need to turn the heat on.

Captain Brien: And what’s a good food in Cleveland?

Hank Denson: Oh, I had Puerto Rican food.

Captain Brien: Puerto Rican food?

Hank Denson: Yeah, I had–

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of Puerto Ricans?

Hank Denson: Yep. In Lorraine, Cleveland is a whole community.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I had a mofongo, I had some rice.

Captain Brien: What’s a mofongo?

Hank Denson: It’s a, it’s kind of like the corn tortilla and it’s fried and then they put the meat inside it–

Captain Brien: So it’s all healthy.

Hank Denson: Oh, no, none of it’s healthy. None of it, but it’s so good. So good, man.

Captain Brien: I ate Cuban food yesterday.

Hank Denson: Cuban sandwiches are good, the bread was the fattening part.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I didn’t have the pork.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And–

Hank Denson: You had no choice.

Captain Brien: Rice and black beans.

Hank Denson: Cuban, Cuban food is no fish, ever.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: It’s pork

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, but they had turkey ribs, if you’ve never had turkey ribs.

Captain Brien: I never heard of it.

Hank Denson: Julie, have you had turkey ribs? Turkey ribs in Cleveland are good.

Captain Brien: Hey, Julie! Julie’s from Wakefield, we went to high school.

Hank Denson: Oh, word?

Captain Brien: We went to elementary school. We went to middle school together.

Hank Denson: Did you know how cool he was gonna be?

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: Huh, did you know he was gonna be this guy? Did you know he was gonna be Captain Brien? Liquor Extraordinaire Club owner? Huh?

Captain Brien: Tell me about the turkey ribs?

Hank Denson: So turkey ribs taste like–

Captain Brien: It’s the actual, that’s just something that people don’t eat so then they made something out of it, right?

Hank Denson: I’m thinking that it’s real. I’m thinking that it’s a real thing, it tastes like turkey, but it had like a smoked, good seasoning to it. So I don’t, and they were like, it looked like they were turkey sized.

Captain Brien: What?

Hank Denson: Yeah, they were like…

Captain Brien: And they, and they were what, they had meat on just one side? Like a real rib?

Hank Denson: They had meat on both sides.

Captain Brien: It wasn’t the rib cage of the turkey.

Hank Denson: It was super light, yeah, it was super light.

Captain Brien: It was the rib cage of the turkey?

Hank Denson: Yeah and it was bones, like a rib, it looked like ribs.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: And it was good, man. I was shocked.

Captain Brien: So that was, you know what that is? That’s what they do is when they take the turkey breast off the bone?

Hank Denson: Uh-huh?

Captain Brien: They throw that away. And someone’s like, yeah, we can do something with that.

Hank Denson: Do they really do that?

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s when they cut the breast meat off, you just have the rib left there with a little bit of meat in between. But how much meat did they leave on the rib?

Hank Denson: It’s a good amount.

Captain Brien: So they must have made like, take it like a thinner cut on the breast.

Hank Denson: Yeah, they do, it’s dense. It’s dense, it’s not heavy.

Captain Brien: But you saw multiple rib cages?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I didn’t feel like, you know, that tryptophan, I didn’t have that feeling.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Hank Denson: So, yeah. And I don’t eat turkey. I’m not like a Thanksgiving turkey dude. We do–

Captain Brien: I don’t really like it either.

Hank Denson: We do crab boiling.

Captain Brien: Like a slice.

Hank Denson: We do crab boils.

Captain Brien: Oh you go right all out and no turkey?

Hank Denson: Yeah, we do a crab boil or a lasagna, we go a whole different direction.

Captain Brien: We do–

Hank Denson: Prime rib.

Captain Brien: We do a whole thing. Like, we’ll do salad, tons of appetizers, we’ll do Italian wedding soup, we’ll do lasagna, manicotti, or ravioli.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: Then we’ll do a ham. And then we do turkey.

Hank Denson: That’s a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot.

Hank Denson: That’s a lot.

Hank Denson: But you guys, it sounds like you guys cook for after Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: No, we just, I don’t eat leftovers. Ever.

Hank Denson: See?

Captain Brien: I eat no leftovers, ever. I won’t even eat pizza.

Hank Denson: This is my–

Captain Brien: If it’s like a slice–

Hank Denson: This is why he never had to steal Chinese food. He’s never had a leftover.

Captain Brien: I didn’t want Bruce Lee coming after me.

Hank Denson: How do you not ever have a leftover? I don’t eat leftovers!

Captain Brien: It’s just a weird thing. Everybody– My son and daughter don’t eat leftovers.

Hank Denson: They don’t eat it?

Captain Brien: No.

Captain Brien: I won’t even go to the pizza shop and order a slice if it looks like it’s been sitting there too long where they have to heat it up.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I won’t do that either.

Captain Brien: Like, I won’t eat cupcakes, sometimes, if they’re there too long–

Hank Denson: You won’t eat ’em?

Captain Brien: I’m like, that’s too long.

Hank Denson: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wanting freshness in your life, man. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Life has an expiration date and your food should, too

Captain Brien: I agree with that.

Hank Denson: That’s good. Only thing you can do in this life–

Captain Brien: I never take a doggy bag. Do you take doggy bags home?

Hank Denson: Nah.

Captain Brien: No.

Hank Denson: Like if somebody get, if I have something left over, I’ll take it but I usually don’t eat it.

Captain Brien: Really.

Hank Denson: You know what I mean, like, I’ll have it, ’cause I don’t want to like, oh, I’m not eating that. So, I don’t want to be wasteful in front of people, but I’ll take it back to the hotel.

Captain Brien: I was talking to someone–

Hank Denson: And just throw it in the trash.

Captain Brien: Yesterday, no, about four days ago. Where they literally said, that if there’s a bite left, if there’s chicken wings–

Hank Denson: They gotta finish it.

Captain Brien: No, they take it home. Like, literally any part that’s not completely consumed–

Hank Denson: So what do they–

Captain Brien: They’ll take the half a baked potato.

Hank Denson: They must’ve lived a hard life.

Captain Brien: Everything, it’s just–

Hank Denson: That’s parents.

Captain Brien: I don’t, yeah.

Hank Denson: Your parents do that to you. Like, now I realize that I stopped forcing my son to finish all his food. Clean that plate, finish that! ‘Cause he’s actually full. And you’re forcing your kids to be obese.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you don’t have to do that.

Hank Denson: You don’t have to do that, and I cut his portions. My son can eat two Chipotle burritos like it ain’t nothing. Boom.

Captain Brien: But at that age, he can. Like, I could eat two huge Philly cheesesteaks at this place called Super Subs and they were like, two pound subs. And the guy-

Hank Denson: You mean now?

Captain Brien: No, not now. But back then I could. Now if I try to be forceful.

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but back when I was in college, playing baseball, man I could eat, dude.

Hank Denson: You played college baseball?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I played baseball in college.

Hank Denson: What haven’t you done, man?

Captain Brien: I don’t know, I don’t know.

Hank Denson: Dude, you’re all–

Captain Brien: Look at the lighting, look at my lighting guy just made–

Hank Denson: Dude, the crazy thing about this guy, this is the most I’ve, man, I’mma share this and then I’mma put at the top of the caption, the stuff about Brien that you never knew. I did not know that you played baseball.

Captain Brien: You didn’t know that?

Hank Denson: No, what college?

Captain Brien: Endicott College, I played down in Emory.

Hank Denson: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I played every four years, we played against Emory, a bunch of times, down in–

Hank Denson: Get outta here.

Captain Brien: We used to travel to Atlanta, Georgia, from 1994 to ’98 every March for about ten days.

Hank Denson: Are you serous?

Captain Brien: Yeah, played all through the Oglethorpe, right?

Hank Denson: Really? What position did you play?

Captain Brien: I was a pitcher.

Hank Denson: You pitched?

Captain Brien: I pitched at Endicott, yeah. And then–

Hank Denson: Can I Google this?

Captain Brien: You can Google it of course, absolutely, yeah. No doubt, no doubt. Guys, this is the Captain’s Log, while he’s Googling, I’m going to wrap it up. We’re done. Don’t miss Hank Denson’s Pay Teachers More Money Tour, all around the country, yeah?

Hank Denson: Yeah, all around the country, it’s called–

Captain Brien: At Off the Hook Comedy Club tonight.

Hank Denson: Teacher Relief Live, tonight. Hank Denson, Pay Teachers More Money, why, ’cause kids matter, ’cause teachers matter, too. And we need to take care of ’em. And this dude is awesome, the book is open, I’ve gotta find out.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna have some fun. Be good, guys, thanks

Episode 217: The Captain’s Log with Dr. Daller and Captain Brien!

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On this episodes of the #captainslog, Dr. Daller joins Captain Brien again! Dr. Daller is here to tell us all about intermittent fasting! Dr. Daller and Captain Brien discuss who should and should not be doing intermittent fasting, how to eliminate gut fat quickly, and how intermittent fasting can even help you remember better! If you have ever wondered about intermittent fasting, tune into this podcast to have your questions answered!

Dr. Daller will be joining Captain Brien EVERY Tuesday at 2:30 on the Captains Log to answer any questions you may have! Make sure you tune in and comment with your questions!

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qpt9cPxlecw

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Dr. Daller out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/meir.daller/
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dallermd/

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back, guys, to Captain’s Log! Dr Daller, thanks for joining me, buddy.

Dr. Daller: I’m doing fantastic, how are you, buddy?

Captain Brien: I’m good, we’re gonna take a ride, let’s do it.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: You gotta tell me about intermittent fasting.

Dr. Daller: Intermittent fasting, so so many patients, so many people, ask about intermittent fasting. They say, first of all for disclaimer, I did not invent intermittent fasting. A lot of people associating that with you. Not with me, not at all.

Captain Brien: You’re a fan of it, though?

Dr. Daller: I am big time, fan of that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: I have been intermittent fasting for 12 years and I’m a believer. And I guarantee people, which I don’t like to use the term guarantee in medicine, I guarantee people you are going to lose your belly fat, you’re going to lose part of your body that you don’t like from intermittent fasting. So first of all intermittent fasting has been around, Brien, for about 35 to 4,000 years. 4,000 years, biblical time, people–

Captain Brien: 4,000?

Dr. Daller: Of course! In biblical times, people used to have one meal a day at dinnertime if they were lucky. On a good day they had one meal a day. And that was very, very good for them. They never had, you know, for breakfast milk with cereal and they didn’t have all the junk that we have and they didn’t have protein bars.

Captain Brien: Okay, so I’m gonna interrupt you because people always say, “Oh you have to have four meals. “You have to eat as soon as you’re hungry. “Your body’s gonna store fat.” Tell me what–

Dr. Daller: Okay, first of all–

Captain Brien: Why is everyone making the change now to fasting?

Dr. Daller: It’s a myth and a folk lore. What do I mean by that? You know, every mother is tell to the kids, you know, you have to have breakfast and you are sure that you eat all the time and you should not keep your sugar low and you should do that. And it’s true, for kids that are growing they should eat all the time and they should definitely have breakfast and they should eat as much as they can. Why, because they are growing.

Captain Brien: Right

Dr. Daller: But Brien, you are growing out, you are not growing up.

Captain Brien: ‘Course.

Dr. Daller: So for kids, absolutely, their mother is right. They should have all the things that we talked about they should do, they should have breakfast, they should not do intermittent fasting and everything else.

Captain Brien: Okay, but when they say that your body stores the fat if you are hungry–

Dr. Daller: No, no.

Captain Brien: What happened, they used to say that?

Dr. Daller:  I know, I know, I remember.

Captain Brien: So that’s why they used to say, used to eat a lot.

Dr. Daller: I remember when they were talking about, you know, keep your blood sugar at the same level–

Captain Brien: Right!

Dr. Daller: Because if you are going to hunger your body is going to go to an emergency–

Captain Brien: Right!

Dr. Daller: And store fat.

Captain Brien: That’s exactly right!

Dr. Daller: I remember that. So all the research, every research from Johns Hopkins to Mayo Clinic to everywhere to Mass General shows that that’s not true. First of all, there are two hormones that we are going to talk about today. One, it’s called insulin, the other one is called human growth hormone. So insulin is the hormone that when you eat something it tells the body to start storing stuff. For example, storing fat, it makes your body store glycogen in your liver and after the liver is full of glycogen it will go into fat. So when you are starving yourself this goes into reverse. So insulin is going to go down as a result of that you’re going to utilize your glycogen in your liver. In your liver you have about 11 hours, and that’s important. Remember that number, 11 hours of storage, of energy that you have in your liver that you can use. After that you’re going to use fat. So, for example, why is it so important to exercise high-intensity exercise? Because you are going to use that glycogen faster and all of a sudden you are going into burning into fat.

Captain Brien: So I like to eat at dinner.

Dr. Daller: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And then, a lot of times I’ll have my coffee and go all the way ’til like 2 o’clock. But, sometimes if I got to the gym, I feel like, oh man, I feel like I’m starving.

Dr. Daller: Right.

Captain Brien: Is it okay to hit the gym during that time?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, absolutely. I love in your head, right, it’s in your head to say–

Captain Brien: That’s what it always is!

Dr. Daller: You know, I’m going to the gym, you know, I want to, either after the gym or before the gym, “Oh, I’m going to the gym, “I’m going to use a lot of energy.” How much energy do you use at the gym? 250 calories on a good day, 300 calories if you kill yourself. It’s not a lot, you have plenty of reserve–

Captain Brien: My watch says five, six hundred.

Dr. Daller: I don’t believe that watch. So, I mean, you really have to kill yourself for six, seven hundred which people do. I mean, you can do 700, you can do, in one hour 700 calories. Still, in your liver you have more than you need to use that, you have plenty of reserve. So, you should–

Captain Brien: So don’t worry, if you’re hungry you could still work out?

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, absolutely, and again, that hunger is in your head, you can definitely–

Captain Brien: You gotta overcome it.

Dr. Daller: You can fast for, I believe in fasting for 16 good hours. So 16 hours of fasting, eight hours of eating. So during the night, it’s very easy to do. During the night, Brien, you don’t eat anyways, right? So you have six, seven, eight hours that you don’t eat. And then you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about, “Well, I should eat something.” Why you should eat something? You’re not even hungry, it’s in your head that you need to eat something. Now, if you don’t eat something and now, eight hours, plus another four, five hours, now you are done with your glycogen storage, you are done with your glycogen storage and you start burning fat. And you burn fat and you lose that gut, the fat in your visceral, visceral fat is the fat around your liver, around your stomach, inside your belly. It’s like an organ by itself that visceral fat. And that’s very, very important to do to lose that gut fat.

Captain Brien: And that happens after how many hours?

Dr. Daller: So that happens, it depends if you exercise or you don’t exercise. If you exercise, which I encourage people do do, high-intensity exercise, that can happen after 10 hours. But if you wait for 16 hours, all this time is fat burning. It’s clean fuel that you’re using. You’re burning fat, you’re burning fat, you’re burning fat. Now it’s important, again, we talked about insulin and we talked about human growth hormone. Human growth hormone is the hormone, it’s an anabolic hormone and it occurs only when you don’t have food in the system when you don’t have that glycogen. At nighttime HGH goes up. Now if you start eating, the moment you eat HGH goes down, human growth hormone goes down. As a result of that you don’t have, human growth hormone help you burn the fat, help you build muscle et cetera. So these are the two hormones that are very important. Insulin and human growth hormone that are essential, essential in intermittent fasting. So I read several articles, one article that I want to talk about is from Johns Hopkins. And this article shows that patients that did, if I remember it was about rats and other animals that they did studies on, to see if intermittent fasting is going to help them with dementia and Alzheimer. And they show on the rat model that intermittent fasting is going to make you remember things better. So, whether you’re going to be in a maze or whatever, wherever you’re going be or going to do it even better.

Captain Brien: You’re sharper?

Dr. Daller: You are sharper. And I know that for myself, when you know, when you eat something, you know, with a lot of sugar and everything you have that sugar high and then a low. When you are, when I’m fasting I don’t eat until 12.30 probably, everyday.

Captain Brien: When you’re fasting can you still have coffee?

Dr. Daller: I have coffee, I have black coffee.

Captain Brien: Okay, but no sugar?

Dr. Daller: No sugar, very important.

Captain Brien: What about almond milk in your coffee?

Dr. Daller: Again, a little bit, later on after you feel better with yourself, you clean the fat, you can have a little bit almond milk.

Captain Brien: But otherwise the whole time fasting no sugar, nothing, just water?

Dr. Daller: As much as you want water, unlimited water.

Captain Brien: For me, you could give me a whole list of water. I’d believe it!

Dr. Daller: As much as you like, all different kinds of water! Kinds of water.

Captain Brien: Wow, how generous.

Dr. Daller: So whatever you want, water. And you know, again, I guarantee people the intermittent fasting is going to work for you. It worked for me, it worked for all my patients. I mean, probably by now we’re about 4,500 patients that we did that. One guy lost 160 pounds in two years, he was doing intermittent fasting.

Captain Brien: Changing nothing else?

Dr. Daller: Nothing else.

Captain Brien: You’re kidding me.

Dr. Daller: I mean, when I say nothing else, he ate healthy in between.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Dr. Daller: He didn’t go to McDonald’s, Taco Bell or fast food. He didn’t use processed food, he didn’t have, you know, refined sugar, he didn’t have danishes. He did intermittent fasting–

Captain Brien: What about cheesecake?

Dr. Daller: No.

Captain Brien: Did he have cheesecake?

Dr. Daller: No cheesecake, Brien, absolutely no cheesecake.

Captain Brien: No cheesecake.

Dr. Daller: No cheesecake. But again, again I don’t want to sound like the crazy doctor. From time to time you have to live a life.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: You have to enjoy life. If a spoonful, of I don’t know what, makes you happy, whether it’s an ice-cream sundae or cheesecake, do it! I mean, if that’s what make you happy, do it. But the whole idea is the majority of the time you are not going to do stuff like that because you are going to enjoy an apple. When you take a bite of an apple it’s delicious.

Captain Brien: You get all the nutrients.

Dr. Daller: An apple a day will keep the doctor away. I believe in that, I mean, all the fiber, everything that’s good for you–

Captain Brien: So wait, now, here’s another thing I have a question about. So, during the fasting, can I do the apple cider vinegar?

Dr. Daller: Yes, because it’s water and apple cider and a tablespoon full of apple cider vinegar, absolutely. It will make you feel full, it’s going to help your metabolism, I do that. So I have apple cider vinegar in the morning and at night. A glass full six to eight ounces of water with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar. I mix it, I drink it, you know it’s acquired taste. Most people say it’s disguising.

Captain Brien: Can be, right.

Dr. Daller: But you know what, everything in life that we learn that tastes good we, just somebody told us it tastes good. You know, when you had that spoon of something else–

Captain Brien: Oh really?

Dr. Daller: Your mother told you–

Captain Brien: Do you tell your taste buds it’s healthy?

Dr. Daller: Yes, because it’s natural–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you like that, it’s good!

Dr. Daller: I mean why–

Captain Brien: Goes on good!

Dr. Daller: I mean why, we learn how to eat stuff that is cooked and then we learn how to eat stuff that is sweet and then we learn how to eat… Because, no, as a child we are learning stuff that we’ll say, “Well, I don’t like okra, “and I do like this.” “Why you don’t like okra? “Who said you don’t like okra?” I mean, it’s like somebody, oh you know, you looked at your brother and you say, “Oh, my brother said it’s disgusting. So I heard it’s disgusting.”

Captain Brien: He doesn’t like the texture.

Dr. Daller: I don’t like the texture, I don’t like the feel, how it feels when it’s in my mouth. So again, going back that study from Johns Hopkins about memory, because again, things that scare people it’s dementia and Alzheimer and things like that.

Captain Brien: Right.

Dr. Daller: Because we are looking at, we want to live a healthy life. And you know, I always say healthcare is a big business. They are not in the business of keeping you healthy because there is business in disease. There’s no money in health.

Captain Brien: That’s right, there’s no money in sick, in not going to the doctor.

Dr. Daller: There’s no, in not going to the doctor. So you have to take care on your own. You have to understand that, you know what, I don’t want to have dementia, I don’t want to have Alzheimer, I don’t want to take any of the Aricept or any pills for dementia or Alzheimer. I want to do whatever it takes. So what does it take? It take intermittent fasting, it takes exercise, it takes health living. Exercise is key for dementia and Alzheimer.

Captain Brien: What about CoQ10?

Dr. Daller: No, really, no good study shows that the other supplements that we are taking are any beneficial. But starvation, when we say the 16 hours of quote-unquote starvation, even though, again, years after years, for thousands of years we never had breakfast. Years after years we didn’t have processed food and we did very well. People were lean and, you know, they looked fantastic. And now we have processed food and everybody is eating all the time and let’s grab some more food, and let’s grab more food and let’s grab more food. So again, I have nothing wrong with going to a restaurant, having a nice dinner. It’s a social event, absolutely enjoy your food. Go, have a good food. Enjoy good seafood, enjoy good fish, enjoy good oysters whatever you would like to do, but again, the rest of the day, you know, skip that cereal with milk. Skip that, it’s not good for you.

Captain Brien: What do you do when the people say, “I’m so hungry, “I can’t concentrate, I can’t do it.” How long can they fast for?

Dr. Daller: So I don’t recommend starting with 16 hours. I recommend starting with, slowly, you know. Instead of you normally have breakfast at seven, now move it to eight and then move it to nine o’clock and ten o’clock and eleven o’clock and then noontime and all of a sudden you’re not even hungry at noontime. And you realize that, you know what, I’m really not hungry.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: And, Brien, trust me it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful for your body, it’s wonderful to get rid of the belly fat, it’s wonderful for most diseases such as diabetes and everything else, coronary artery disease. And, again, Alzheimer and dementia and other, I mean, now they’re working on Parkinson disease and other neurological diseases. Some people say, “How do you explain that?” so I always look, you know, anything I say in biology I need to have an explanation. So just think about it, 5,000 years ago, 3,000 years ago, when you were hungry, or you are an animal and you are hungry your brain has to be sharp to find food. You cannot say you know what, I’m going to become, you know, I’m not going to be–

Captain Brien: It’s this your theory or is this real?

Dr. Daller: This is my theory. Completely my theory, but I need to explain to myself–

Captain Brien: I like it, it’s a good idea!

Dr. Daller: I need to explain to myself, I’m saying, okay, you know thousands of years ago when we hunt–

Captain Brien: ‘Cause you gotta be a sharp hunter.

Dr. Daller: I have to be sharper hunter when I’m hungry. When I’m not hungry, when I’m sitting down I already have my food in my mouth, you’re not that sharp. But when you are hungry, same with animals, when they are hungry they become sharp, they have a strategy, how to attack the other animal, how to get the food, what to do to get to the water source, what to get to that food source.

Captain Brien: I like that idea. So when you–

Dr. Daller: I like the fact that you caught that it wasn’t based on science. It was based on my true beliefs.

Captain Brien: You sounded, it sounded legit as hell.

Dr. Daller: Sounded legit.

Captain Brien: I would say, this is a good idea.

Dr. Daller: That reality, no.

Captain Brien: We should–

Dr. Daller: It’s my theory completely, completely my theory.

Captain Brien: We could write a whole thesis on it.

Dr. Daller: Completely.

Captain Brien: Yeah. So what happens when you break the, you break the fast?

Dr. Daller: Sure.

Captain Brien: Should you be bummed out and not do it anymore?

Dr. Daller: No, no, no, no.

Captain Brien: Then you start it right back up? ‘Cause people want to do this.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, so every day I do that and every day I break the fast, again, break fast, I break the fast around 12/12.30, I have my food. You know I try to eat healthy food. From time to time I cheat a little bit and I will have some dessert or whatever it is. No big deal, not the end of the world, live a life a little bit. And the next day it’s another day. And you know, this is a lifetime–

Captain Brien: What happens if one day you fast, you stop eating at 7 o’clock at night, you start eating the next day at 10 o’clock?

Dr. Daller: Sure.

Captain Brien: That’s.

Dr. Daller: And that’s, you know–

Captain Brien: It’s not set every day?

Dr. Daller: No, and you know what–

Captain Brien: You just try to go as long as possible?

Dr. Daller: No.

Captain Brien: What do you do?

Dr. Daller: I try to do 16 hours.

Captain Brien: 16 hours?

Dr. Daller: 16 hours. Sometime it’s 17 hours that I go fasting, sometimes 16–

Captain Brien: But what’s the breaking point? After 12 hours you starting burning?

Dr. Daller: You start burning. But the best, if you really want to burn, you know you want to shred, 16 hours ideal. Again, Brien, sometimes we have friends over for brunch, and you know, I start eating at 11. Not the end of the world, we are not fanatic here. We are just giving advice about–

Captain Brien: So do you stop eating then again, start again, or should you just eat your normal day and then–

Dr. Daller: No, I would start having my brunch at 11 and I will have, you know, in my Bloody Mary with Captain Brien vodka, you know it’s delicious–

Captain Brien: Very good, very good.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, it’s nutritious.

Captain Brien: It is, it’s sugar-free, gluten-free, all organic, all natural, did you know that?

Dr. Daller: And a good mixture for the Bloody Mary, of course, and all the vegetables inside, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: So you feel like you have a garden variety there. And then we’re going to have whatever we have for the brunch. But I may stop eating at 7pm instead of 8pm that day.

Captain Brien: But what happens if you break it, say you planned on fasting that day and you wake up and you just, without even thinking, you go and get coffee and a fricken’ Egg McMuffin? And all of a sudden, like, it’s the morning. Do you stop eating now again until maybe like, try to go during the day? Or no, it’s too hard during the day?

Dr. Daller: I think you ruined it with the Egg McMuffin.

Captain Brien: Done, right, done?

Dr. Daller: It’s done. So, you know what, and you know in medicine we say, “From time to time shit happens.” And shit happens, you know, from time to time you have, you’re in an airport and there’s nothing else to eat besides McDonald, whatever it is, so you do it.

Captain Brien: That’s very scientific.

Dr. Daller: Very scientific.

Captain Brien: Shit happens.

Dr. Daller: Shit happens. So I’m sure there’s a study about shit happens. So, from time to time, shit happens and you move on and you continue. The next day is another day, not the end of the world. We are not fanatic here. Human beings survived and animals survived, who survived? The one that were malleable, the one that were able to adjust. The one that were strict and were not able to adjust they don’t survive, so you know–

Captain Brien: How many days can you be successful? Can you fast for four days a week if you do 12 to 16-hour fasting? Or what?

Dr. Daller: I fast every day, every day I fast for 16 hours. But you can do it five/six days a week and the rest you don’t. But again, I want it to be a lifestyle of people that they are going to say, “You know what, “that’s very doable, I can do this.” The reason diet is such a big–

Captain Brien: A breakfast, we’re not sponsored apparently by any breakfast restaurants.

Dr. Daller: No, the Denny’s don’t like us at all.

Captain Brien: We are not sponsored by IHOP, apparently.

Dr. Daller: IHOP for sure, they don’t like us. But again, it has to be a lifestyle. It has to be something that you are going to understand and it makes sense to you and you can do it. The reason, you know the diet industry is huge in America because people gain weight and lose weight and lose weight and gain weight and everybody writes a book how to do it. And then everybody is selling you food. You cannot buy that, that food you should buy at Publix, at Whole Food, at Fresh Market, wherever you buy. Walmart, wherever you buy your food.

Captain Brien: So you shouldn’t eat Lean Cuisines all day?

Dr. Daller: You should not, absolutely not, because again–

Captain Brien: Or Jenny Craig?

Dr. Daller: It will never work.

Captain Brien: It doesn’t.

Dr. Daller: It’ll work for the short term.

Captain Brien: No way.

Dr. Daller: Short term it always works. When you cut your calories it will work. But again, what’s going to happen? You’re going to go back to pizza, that will never work. And again, I have nothing against pizza. I want people to understand that. From time to time, you know, this weekend we went to, in Naples we went to True Food Kitchen.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, I know.

Dr. Daller: And we had a pizza, it was delicious. But we order one pizza and we were four people and each one of us had a slice and and a half and it was fantastic.

Captain Brien: And then the server came and said, “Hey, are you gonna pick and spend some money, what, what’s going on? Jesus, what can I get you, four waters split three ways?

Dr. Daller: I know!

Captain Brien: Poor guy, oh my God!

Dr. Daller: No, we had other food too.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Dr. Daller: That was very close.

Captain Brien: Phew!

Dr. Daller: We didn’t just come four people.

Captain Brien: Jeez!

Dr. Daller: Oh, that’s funny.

Captain Brien: Did you tell ’em, “I’m dining, thank you, we’re fasting!” And the guy looks at you and says, “What’d you come “to my restaurant for, you son of a bitch?”

Dr. Daller: Fasting time!

Captain Brien: Jeez! Nah, that’s the greatest, when you have somebody come on as, “Today, I’m on the Atkin’s diet.” “Oh, you’re gonna eat 12 pounds of meat in my house?” “Oh, okay, let me cook two pounds “of bacon extra for breakfast.” Tomorrow, you’re not on that diet but today you’re on that diet. Drives me crazy. I’ve got a guy coming up against, coming up behind me with lights on, let me let him go.

Dr. Daller: Oh, it’s a–

Captain Brien: It’s a, like an ambulance, yeah.

Dr. Daller: Ambulance, ambulance, all right. Somebody was not doing intermittent fasting.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s what happens–

Dr. Daller: That’s what happens! That’s what happens when you don’t–

Captain Brien: That’s what happens, right away.

Dr. Daller: Do intermittent fasting, there’s an ambulance behind you.

Captain Brien: So with the intermittent fasting you do a lotta water?

Dr. Daller: Plenty of water, water is extremely important. Nobody drinks enough water, I don’t drink enough water. I try to push water and water and water.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m the same.

Dr. Daller: So what do I do in order to drink a little bit more water? I cut some slice of lime or lemon or orange or tangerine in my water, or put mint in my water to give it a little hint, a little flavor, so it will feel like I want to drink more.

Captain Brien: I just saw this, supposedly the Olympic athletes are doing it, where you, it’s a powder that you add to your water, and it makes you retain three times the amount of water that you would normally. Have you heard about this?

Dr. Daller: No, I mean–

Captain Brien: We should look into it.

Dr. Daller: We should look into that.

Captain Brien: So it’s something that, so for every glass of water that you drink it’s as healthy as drinking three glasses of water?

Dr. Daller: Let’s look into it.

Captain Brien: We need to find out.

Dr. Daller: And then we get back to the audience next week.

Captain Brien: Okay, we’ll talk about it.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Dr. Daller: That sounds interesting even though I don’t believe all the chemicals, I don’t like chemicals, but we’ll see. Maybe it’s good chemicals?

Captain Brien: Maybe it’s good stuff?

Dr. Daller: You never know. It’s good stuff, made in China stuff, you know.

Captain Brien: Oh, well guys.

Dr. Daller: Chinese chemicals.

Captain Brien: I hope you learned a little bit about the Captain, on the Captain’s log today. Dr Daller’s a big fan of the fasting. I’m a big fan of the fasting and now I’m just gonna have to do more. I can’t eat a pizza tonight, that’s all, no pizza. No pizza for you either, doctor. Don’t go to True Food and get ten people one pizza. It’s not gonna work. The poor guy can’t make any money, the server.

Dr. Daller: I know, I know.

Captain Brien: You gotta–

Dr. Daller: We left on a good thing, very good thing.

Captain Brien: Okay I believe it, I believe it everything. Thanks buddy.

Dr. Daller: Thank you so much.

Captain Brien: We’re good, we’re good. Have a good day guys, we’ll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Daller: Bye bye.

Captain Brien: We’re live, Hank Denson. Pay Teachers More Money comedy tour, Hank Denson’s live with you tomorrow on the channel.

Epsiode 216 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Pat Godwin and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Uncategorized, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Comedian Pat Godwin joins the Captain as he sings us some hilarious tunes about Jimmy Buffet retirement communities and Off The Hook Comedy Club. They also discuss how Pat Godwin got his beginning as a comedian!

Tune into hear these hilarious songs!

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8f5UtZeXOlg

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian Pat Godwin out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PatGodwin
  • Twitter: https://twitter.com/PatGodwin
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pat_godwin/
  • Website: http://www.patgodwin.com/

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Pat Godwin:  ♪ Off the Hook, ♪ ♪ Brien and his dad are pretty good cooks, at Off The Hook. ♪ ♪ Oh, Off The Hook Comedy Club ♪ ♪ gonna be there all week, til Friday, havin’ fun. ♪ ♪ Naples, Florida come on down, ♪ ♪ fly down, drive over, swim over, Off the Hook. ♪ ♪ It’s off the chain, Off the Hook. ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there’s a lot of fishing going on, ♪ ♪ that’s why it’s called off the hook. ♪ We’re gonna have fun, right?

Captain Brien:  We are gonna have a good time man, we’re live. This is the Captain’s Log, comedian Pat Godwin. First time anyone’s jammed on the guitar on the captain’s log, buddy.

Pat Godwin: Right? It’s fun.

Captain Brien:  It really is, it’s a good time, and I’m gonna just share this now on your page so people see you. And you’re gonna be live. This is the first time you did that!

Pat Godwin: Yeah, that’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: Thank you.

Pat Godwin: He’s, Brien is teaching me a lot of new things today.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna get you back into the–

Pat Godwin: I’m kind of old school.

Captain Brien: Into the new age, bro. Into the new age, we’re doin’ it. So we’re headin’ out. We just left 105.5 The Beat.

Pat Godwin: That was fun, those guys are great.

Captain Brien: I wanna hear… play me a tune.

Pat Godwin: You wanna hear the Buffet thing?

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s hear the Buffet thing. We’re in Florida and it’s raining, so bring out the sun.

Pat Godwin: This is a perfect song for Florida, Jimmy Buffet started these retirement homes called Margaritaville, so this thing just kinda writes itself. ♪ Gettin’ a sponge bath, from one of the cute staff, ♪ ♪ all of us covered in lidocaine. ♪ ♪ Plugged in my CPAP, takin’ a long nap ♪ ♪ Brien, check out my leg, there’s a new spider vein. ♪

Captain Brien: We’re jammin’!

Pat Godwin: ♪ Spendin’ my golden years in ♪ ♪ Margaritaville Retirement Home. ♪ ♪ Searchin’ for my lost Epsom salt. ♪ Salt! Salt! Salt! ♪ Some people claim that it’s my memory to blame, ♪ ♪ But I don’t know. ♪ I, where was I? ♪ Fell off my scooter, chasin’ old Cooter ♪ ♪ Broke my hip, now it hurts to the bone. ♪ ♪ But there’s pills in the grinder ♪ ♪ And my nurse, I’ll remind her ♪ ♪ for that numbing concoction that helps me hang on. ♪ ♪ Hydrocodone, spendin’ my golden years in Margaritaville ♪ ♪ Retirement Home, searchin’ for my lost Epsom salts. ♪ Sing it! Salt! [Duo] – Salt, salt!

Pat Godwin: ♪ My family claims that it’s my, ♪ ♪ my family claims that it’s my, ♪ ♪ family claims that it’s my memory to blame, ♪ ♪ But I don’t know, I think I just pooped myself. ♪ Little bit of Margaritaville Retirement Home in the car, this is fun.

Captain Brien: That’s amazing. So, most people like to play the radio, me, I just bring the musicians

Pat Godwin: You hire a guy to come down.

Captain Brien: Yeah, keep em busy.

Pat Godwin: You fly em in the day before Hang out with me, just play music for me.

Captain Brien: I don’t wanna just drive around normally, you know, it’s boring.

Captain Brien: I like to put the whole concert in the car. So, tell me, this is, what, your second or third time we’ve had you down at the club?

Pat Godwin: Second time.

Captain Brien: Second time at the club.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, but we know each other because we worked together when you were involved with the improv up in Louisville.

Captain Brien: Yep, yep.

Pat Godwin: So you and I have known of each other for a while.

Captain Brien: That’s right, that’s right and you do the Bob and Tom show.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, I’m actually a member of the Bob and Tom show now, I got hired in January, so I get health insurance, and–

Captain Brien: I don’t have any health insurance for you, man. Good thing they do.

Pat Godwin: Right right? And we’re heard in like 150 markets, and they used to be down here in the Fort Myers area, and they’re gonna be soon, so maybe the next time I come down, we can really pack it out, so—

Captain Brien: Exciting, exciting.

Pat Godwin: But we’re having a really good time, it’s a great week. Valentine’s day is gonna be a lot of fun, cause I’m a very bitter guy on stage, in a funny way about–

Captain Brien: And you bring the love, though, you’re bringing the love.

Pat Godwin: I do, I love love. I’m very angry that I’m not with my wife anymore. That was a wonderful time. I mean, I am a huge fan of love.

Captain Brien: So–

Pat Godwin: And you too, you’re a huge fan of love.

Captain Brien: And you have some children.

Pat Godwin: I do, I have an eight-year-old, and I adopted my daughter, who’s now eighteen, and you’ve been going through some kind of, You’ve been doing a little bit of–

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I did, I went through the divorce thing.

Pat Godwin: You know what defines the relationship? What was your wedding song? Because you were on the cruise ship.

Captain Brien: God, maybe that’s why I divorced, I can’t even remember.

Pat Godwin: My wedding song was “Highway to Hell” by ACDC.

Captain Brien: Oh, and there you go, so yeah.

Pat Godwin: No, my wedding song was actually Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” Do you remember yours?

Captain Brien: I don’t, I’m legitimately telling you, I cannot remember.

Pat Godwin: I’ll do a piece of my wedding song for you.

Captain Brien:- Okay, let’s hear it.

Pat Godwin: Now, Eric Clapton wrote this song, it’s a beautiful song, melodically. Lyrically, it’s a lie, it starts off fine, should have been changed. Here’s how it should’ve gone. ♪ It’s late in the evening, just wonderin’ ♪ ♪ what clothes to wear, just wonderin’ what clothes to wear ♪ ♪ She puts on her makeup, brushes her long blonde hair. ♪ ♪ And then she asks me, “Do I look alright?” ♪ ♪ And I said, “Hurry up!” ♪

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t!

Pat Godwin: ♪ You look fine, we’re supposed to be there at nine. ♪ We’re gonna have the guitar all week on stage, too, so you come by, it’ll be a very interactive show. I talk to you a little bit, don’t be nervous, no harm will come to you. It’s not like a heckle kind of a goofy thing. We have a really good time. We’re a very interactive show, and your club is phenomenal ’cause they’ve got low ceilings, it’s a very warm environment.

Captain Brien: So, when–

Pat Godwin: I’m looking forward to it.

Captain Brien: When she is late,

Pat Godwin: Yes sir?

Captain Brien: aren’t you supposed to say hurry up?

Pat Godwin: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you are, right?

Pat Godwin: Absolutely

Captain Brien: I think that’s normal, I think it’s like, come on, we gotta go!

Pat Godwin: We gotta go, we have places to be.

Captain Brien: You wonder why we’re both…

Pat Godwin:- Does this dress make my butt look big? No, your butt makes your butt look big! Get in the car!

Captain Brien: That’s not the right answer either. I don’t have the right answers.

Pat Godwin: No, that’s not the right answer, obviously. Sittin’ here divorced. I’ve been divorced twice.

Captain Brien: Same.

Pat Godwin: Four years is my record, beating my old record of eight months back in 1996. I wish that was a joke, absolute truth.

Captain Brien: And you’re from where, originally?

Pat Godwin: Philadelphia area.

Captain Brien: Oh, Philly?

Pat Godwin: Yeah, I did music there for 10 years, had a couple albums out, and then the comedian Todd Glass got me involved in my first open mic.

Captain Brien: I know Todd, yeah.

Pat Godwin: My first open mic Todd Glass drug me to the, he didn’t drug me, he got me in the car,

Captain Brien: He dragged you.

Pat Godwin: He dragged me.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: And, boom, it opened up all these doors.

Captain Brien: And how did you know that you wanted to be a comic at the time?

Pat Godwin: You know, even when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a comic. I just thought, I was just too afraid of it. So I started to play music, and that really took off, and I had a couple albums out, like I’d said, but I really wanted to be a comedian. I was funny offstage, but man, being funny on stage is a whole different animal.

Captain Brien: Right, and the guitar helps you.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely helps me.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: ‘Cause that’s how I express myself. I’d be lost without it. I’m able to talk with it better, I’m comfortable, I’m actually a really shy guy without it, and I can talk, I don’t mumble, but I’m extraordinarily shy. When I put this on, everything changes.

Captain Brien: I noticed that, and a lot of comedians have kind of something that turns it on the whole time.

Pat Godwin: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Sometimes when the guys are funny nonstop–

Pat Godwin: That’s the ones you have to worry about.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I was gonna say, it gets a little off sometimes.

Pat Godwin: It’s really annoying.

Captain Brien:- Yeah. But I still enjoy it, I do really enjoy it. I appreciate you taking the ride with me, it wasn’t like you had a choice. We’re going to radio now on 103.9

Pat Godwin: I was in the trunk earlier.

Captain Brien: We’re headin’ to 103.9, Big Mama, we just left 105.5 The Beat with the Freakshow, we’re gonna see Jeff Zito on 96K-Rock.

Pat Godwin: Oh, cool.

Captain Brien: And then tomorrow, may hit gater country in the morning.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: So that’ll be exciting. But if you are really wantin’ to get out and laugh and you don’t have any plans for Valentine’s Day, Pat’s show is phenomenal. I think I saw you probably three shows in a row on Carnival. Was I on the Allure, was that?

Pat Godwin: You were on the Oasis of the Allure.

Captain Brien: The Oasis. I saw you and my family’s like, “Why have we not brought Pat back?” And I said, “You know what? We need to bring him back.” And that was like, inspired

Pat Godwin: You saw like three shows in a row?

Captain Brien: I think I saw like three shows.

Pat Godwin: Oh, wow.

Captain Brien: Because the kids wanted to go see the shows, and they kept wanting

Pat Godwin: It was so fun.

Captain Brien: To go see, and it was a great, I mean the way you were able to interact with the crowd for all ages was phenomenal.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, that’s a tricky thing to do. You have to be, and that took having children to learn that kind of rapport. I know what makes my son laugh, and also you have to be very clean in that environment.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: So, and my son goes either way. But yeah, I learned how to do it by having children. So, I’m very lucky.

Captain Brien: Well we appreciated the show, and then that’s what sparked me to bring you back, ‘Cause I was like, “We need to have Pat. He’s funny as hell, why have I not had him on the show in a while?”

Pat Godwin: Yeah, my crowd work is very natural and organic, there’s nothing really planned about it. I just have been doing it long enough where I really enjoy it. And when an audience can bring the show to a different level, where they know it’s coming right out of your butt, it’s coming right off the top of your head, they just explode with laughter. It’s my favorite laughter, is the spontaneous laughter.

Captain Brien: Well I’m gonna put you on the spot again. Do you have another song you wanna play? I’m enjoying it.

Pat Godwin: Sure, what should we do? I’m just trying to think

Captain Brien: Make it happen, baby.

Pat Godwin: Bring it. Trying to think if I should go racy.

Captain Brien: Oh, you can go, this is live, you can do whatever you want.

Pat Godwin: Oh, okay. We’re gonna go a little racy. This is called “My Old-Timey Guy.” ♪ Way back when I was 22 ♪ ♪ everybody had hair down there. ♪ ♪ The girls in Playboy Magazine all had pubic hair. ♪ ♪ I liked to take a lady to lunch ♪ ♪ if there’s a little carpet to munch ♪ ♪ But nobody has pubes, anymore! ♪ Is that too far?

Captain Brien: No that’s good, that’s great.

Pat Godwin: Second verse, here we go.

Captain Brien: Shave ’em off. Get rid of them.

Pat Godwin: ♪ Went down to my local gym and all the guys ♪ ♪ there are hair free. ♪ ♪ I’m feeling self-conscious ♪ ♪ ’cause, Brien, downstairs, I’m Duck Dynasty. ♪ ♪ Shaved my pubes, had a heart attack, ♪ ♪ looks like a baby carrot playing hacky sack, ♪ ♪ aw, nobody has pubes anymore. ♪ Boom.

Captain Brien: Get rid of the pubes, done.

Pat Godwin: Get rid of ’em.

Captain Brien: It makes you look bigger, it’s good. It’s impressive. I have a doctor on the show every Tuesday, and he says, clean it, shave it up.

Pat Godwin: Shave it up.

Captain Brien: Yeah, make it look clean, yeah.

Pat Godwin: And I agree with him.

Captain Brien: I never got that memo, my brother said the same thing to me. “You’re single now, you need to do a little bit of trimming where”–

Pat Godwin: Yeah, a little manscape.

Captain Brien: A little manscape.

Captain Brien: Clean it up, clean it up. Go down, clean it up. Oh, “hey Paul, what’s goin’ on?”, Allen, what’s happenin’? We’re in Naples, Florida And I got comedian, Pat Godwin.

Pat Godwin: Hey, everybody.

Captain Brien: Okay, so, um, let’s do a giveaway, guys? 10 people, right now, if you want to go see the show tonight. It’s a 7:00 show. Pat Godwin. Use the promo code at OffTheHookComedy.com PG2019, Pat Godwin, PG2019, go on the website, OffTheHookComedy.com. I’m gonna give you 10 free tickets right now. The first 10 people that do it are winners. How can you say, how can you say no to that?

Pat Godwin: You can’t.

Captain Brien: You can’t, the guy’s gonna make you laugh, it’s free.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Here in Naples.

Pat Godwin: The whole time I’m on stage, I have a great time.

Captain Brien: You really do.

Pat Godwin: I really love what I do.

Captain Brien: You traveled all night, how’d that go last night?

Pat Godwin: It did not go well.

Pat Godwin: I fought with the ex on the way down texting, we have an issue back home.

Captain Brien: Oh, I want to do a show, The text-es from my exes.

Pat Godwin: Oh, you know?

Captain Brien: I think we should.

Pat Godwin: My ex, if I could just take a little bit of time here, she is younger than I am so she encouraged me to do what’s called the kids do the sex thing, you know?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: And I was very uncomfortable with it. And if you have an iPhone it’s very easy to text the wrong person.

Captain Brien: Right.

Pat Godwin: The first time I try it, I accidentally sent the text, “I love the way your nipples taste,” To my mom, and my mom texted back, “You have a great memory.” That’s in the show.

Captain Brien: I love that, I love that.

Pat Godwin: That’s from the act, that’s from the act.

Captain Brien: You had me though, on that.

Pat Godwin: Did I have you?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I was going along with it. That’s great.

Pat Godwin: The dude is doing his act in the car.

Captain Brien: No, that’s exciting, that’s exciting. We bring out the best in people in the Captain’s Log. It’s 13 years running now. So this is 13 years to get through Season One. And Season Two has gone off strong-

Pat Godwin: You know, I’m a big fan of your actual the Facebook live stuff. You don’t just do comedians, you’re like, you’re doing everything.

Captain Brien: I try to do everything, I try to trick people.

Pat Godwin: It’s very, very, very cool.

Captain Brien: Because then they get to watch me all the time.

Pat Godwin: I have to say that you are the best one at it.

Captain Brien: Oh, really, you like it?

Pat Godwin: Absolutely, I love it.

Captain Brien: Aw, thanks, man.

Pat Godwin: I’m not just saying that.

Captain Brien: This guy really is funny and lovable. How can you not like him?

Pat Godwin: It’d be nice if he was on time.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s late as shit, but you know what?

Pat Godwin: I had to wake his ass up at the hotel.

Captain Brien: We still love him.

Pat Godwin: I got in at 2:30 last night, everybody.

Captain Brien: It was the rain, they say the rain is very mellowing, right? It makes us sleep.

Pat Godwin: I walked into that beautiful Hampton Inn and I laid on my back, and boom, the phone rang. Brien’s down here, you idiot.

Captain Brien: Is that what it felt like?

Pat Godwin: I swear to god I laid, I don’t sleep well at all. Last night, boom.

Captain Brien: Out.

Pat Godwin: Out like a light.

Captain Brien: It was, and when I woke up, and I had no clue it was down pouring.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien: And then I walked out the house this morning. It was pitch black.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien: Because you know, I was early, I was on time.

Captain Brien:- So, I left the house, it was pitch black, and I had to go back in and look for an umbrella of which I didn’t have.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien:- Even though I have like 20 of them somewhere, then I just made a run for it. I just said, to hell with it, I’m going.

Pat Godwin: And now we’re looking like we’re clearing up here in a little bit.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think so. I think it’s gonna be nice.

Pat Godwin: It’s overcast but it looks nice.

Captain Brien: It’s really warm actually for a–

Pat Godwin: You can’t complain in Florida. I left, it was -5 in Indianapolis, so.

Captain Brien: Was it really?

Pat Godwin: You guys have–

Captain Brien: No, it was -5?

Pat Godwin: Yep, when I left, yeah, it’s horrible.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Pat Godwin: And really windy, too, really windy.

Captain Brien: And what did you have like, for clothing on?

Pat Godwin: Oh, I had like my–

Captain Brien: I don’t even have clothing for that stuff.

Pat Godwin: I got to Florida in my big winter jacket. So, I was sweating my butt off when I first got here.

Captain Brien: And then you get here and you’re like, whoo. Yesterday, it was like 84 degrees.

Pat Godwin: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: Jesus.

Captain Brien: Really nice.

Pat Godwin: I was in North Carolina where it was 80 degrees. They broke a record, and the following day, it was 17.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Pat Godwin: When I left on last Sunday, yeah.

Captain Brien: This week?

Pat Godwin: This, last week, yeah.

Captain Brien: And everybody’s sick now.

Pat Godwin: Everybody’s sick now.

Captain Brien: That’s just–

Pat Godwin: Everybody I work with is sick. They’ve got pink eye, they’ve all got pneumonia, not me.

Captain Brien: And you’re on the show how often on Bob and Tom?

Pat Godwin: Two, three days a week, for the whole time. 6:00 to 10:00, yeah.

Captain Brien: And then you–

Pat Godwin: I have an office there, I write songs that we use on the show all the time when I’m not there. I travel with like a mini recording studio. I’m really, and they were down here in your area in Naples for the longest time and doing very well. And they’re gonna be back. It’s a wonderful show. You can still see it on the App.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, they do good, I’m a fan.

Pat Godwin: Yeah they do it, I know you are, yeah.

Captain Brien: Always a fan, I love it, I love it.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, the App that they have, The Bob and Tom App is incredible. You should download it.

Captain Brien: Really?

Pat Godwin: Yeah, it’s really good, yeah.

Captain Brien: And it’s just, that’s where you can hear the show live all the time?

Pat Godwin: Hear the show live, and then hear the repeat in the afternoon and then hear the greatest hits.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s cool.

Pat Godwin: 24/7, yes.

Captain Brien: So, they don’t do like an iHeart radio. They do their own.

Pat Godwin: They do their own.

Captain Brien: Why, you should get your own.

Pat Godwin: Do you have your own?

Captain Brien: No, I used to. But you know what the problem with it, is that I was too busy promoting everything.

Pat Godwin: Oh, right.

Captain Brien: It was like, okay, go to my app. Go to my Twitter, follow me on Instagram. Watch my Facebook, and I was like, I think if I get rid of one of them, it’s gonna be a little easier.

Pat Godwin: True.

Captain Brien: So, I kind of let the app fall off and then I just stopped promoting it and doing everything with it. Because it was, it’s easier just to send them to a few places, like between the website and all that.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, you’ve got a lot going on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, you have to just focus on a few things, because otherwise the people are like, “I’m not going everywhere. Like, I’ve got enough, you know?”

Pat Godwin: Right, right, right.

Captain Brien: So that’s what happens, but thank you for watching anyways guys. We do appreciate it. Give us a like or share or whatever but you can’t miss Pat Godwin at Off the Hook Comedy Club all week. We’re gonna, check out or YouTube, too because we’ve post some other videos of Pat live at the radio stations and of course some show clips, some behind the scene stuff. But it’s been a good time. Pat, thanks buddy, we’re gonna, we’re gonna–

Pat Godwin: We’re gonna have a good time.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do this all weekend, but Happy Valentine’s Day to everybody. And don’t forget–

Pat Godwin: For those of you who have dates, I don’t have a date. Come on by if you wanna date me.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Pat needs a date guys, so don’t stand him up.

Pat Godwin: You’ve gotta come by.

Captain Brien: He’s gonna be really upset if he’s lonely on Valentine’s Day.

Captain Brien: So, don’t do that to him. but anyway, use the promo code PG2019, free tickets, 10 people. After that I’m done, I’m not giving away ticket anymore, stop texting me and calling me.

Pat Godwin: He’s tryna make money.

Captain Brien: Yeah, everybody’s gotta eat tonight. My family’s gotta eat.

Pat Godwin: He’s got kids, he’s got two kids.

Captain Brien: We out, we out.

Episode 215 The Captain’s Log with Dr. Daller and Captain Brien!

Doctor Shows, Food, health and fitness, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Dr. Daller joins Captain Brien again! This time they are discussing spiritual places and morning rituals. Dr. Daller will be joining Captain Brien EVERY Tuesday at 2:30 on the Captains Log to answer any questions you may have! Make sure you tune in and comment with your questions!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIu_IJ7D5Gw&t=161s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Dr. Daller out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/meir.daller/
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dallermd/

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back, you guys missed us! I got Dr. Daller.

Dr. Daller: Hey Captain Brien, how are you, buddy?

Captain Brien: It’s been so long–

Dr. Daller: I missed you. I missed you

Captain Brien: You had such a big Christmas break, you forgot about me .

Captain Brien: I didn’t forgot you live here. Every time I watch on Instagram, I watch on Facebook, you do couple of things for me. One, you put a smile on my face and that’s priceless. Because, again, it motivates me, motivates me to say, “You know what? This is funny yet educational.” So I watch your videos and I learn one little thing then it could be something that people say, “Well, it’s nothing serious.” Well, it’s nothing serious, obviously, you didn’t think about that. Somebody have thought of that and they became successful. And, so, I’m so excited to be back with you every Tuesday afternoon.

Captain Brien: I missed you. I missed you.

Dr. Daller: I missed you as well, buddy.

Captain Brien: You’re so busy!

Dr. Daller: Very, very busy, you know–

Captain Brien: Which is great.

Dr. Daller: I love it! Start at five in the morning, every morning, here. And we go until 4 PM. Nonstop. You know, my phone is ringing all the time and I’m loving life! Feel blessed.

Captain Brien: You should be. It’s amazing thing and the office looks great. All the employees is smiling, everybody happy, what a life!

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, absolutely blessed. You know, Captain Brien, every morning, I wake up at about 4:45. The first thing I do, I thank God. I thank God, I thank God to be alive, first of all. I thank God that because the alternative, you know, we know very well we could be not alive. We have more than we imagine, how fortune we are. I just, over Christmas, we were in Peru, in a place called Machu Picchu. It’s very spiritual place. And the average person in that area makes a hundred dollars a year.

Captain Brien: How do they manage that? How does that work?

Dr. Daller: And you know what, they have a smile on their face. So it’s amazing how with a hundred dollars a year, they manage, and they are not complaining, and they feel blessed. One, they don’t know any better, you know. If you have money and you lost it, it’s much worse than than not having money at all. And they feel good about it, I mean, they play a little soccer on the field there with nothing and they feel great about it.

Captain Brien: What were you doing in Peru?

Dr. Daller: So we went to Lima and then we went to Machu Picchu. Very spiritual, felt connected, did a lot of hiking with the family, really, amazing, amazing. It was a bucket list place that we really wanted to go–

Captain Brien: I hear people say that they’re gonna go to Machu Picchu, right?

Dr. Daller: Right.

Captain Brien: That’s popular right now.

Dr. Daller: It is very popular but, I mean we did hiking in the mountains. I mean, one day, we climbed 14 kilometers in the mountains. I mean, remember the altitude there is about 12 thousand to 14 thousand feet. So it’s a high altitude. It’s difficult to breathe.

Captain Brien: That’s amazing. So I get that question a lot. What do you do, How do you stay on the video all day? How do you go live all the time? How do you have time to manage going to a comedy club, running the restaurant, streaming live on Facebook, doing all the podcast at the Captain’s log, meeting you, how do I do that? The thing is–

Dr. Daller: You know what, when I watch you, I admire you. You’re going to tell us in a few minutes how you going to that, how do you do that which is impressing. I see all the stuff that you do. How you have a big smile on your face all the time. And I wonder myself, how do you do that, Captain?

Captain Brien: The interesting thing is, for me, it just seems normal. I don’t sit down and drink a cup of coffee and just rest. If I am siting down, my mind is going already, “What am I gonna do next? What’s happening? What am I missing? How am I gonna create the next video? What’s gonna happen when the doors open at the comedy club? Tomorrow, I have a new show going on, how do I market it?” that’s just how I think. It’s a good vibe. It’s fun but I cannot tell you that there’s always positives. But there’s gonna be a negative. You know what the negative is? It’s sometimes I drive people crazy around me ’cause they’re like, ” don’t you just need a minute to relax?”

Dr. Daller: And, you know, people like you really don’t need minute to relax. Relaxation is what you do give you satisfaction, give you happiness.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Dr. Daller: So you don’t need that minute to relax.

Captain Brien: It’s not the relaxing part.

Dr. Daller: But do you have– Let me ask, I never ask you that question before, do you have any rituals that you do, for example, in the morning, when you buy, what do you do?

Captain Brien: I do, it’s funny you asked. In the morning, I always feel like you have to make your bed.

Dr. Daller: Okay.

Captain Brien: When I get up, no matter what, I make the bed.

Dr. Daller: I like that.

Captain Brien: And then I feel like I did something, right?

Dr. Daller: I like that.

Captain Brien: And then when I’m in the shower, oh my god, that’s when all the magic happens.

Dr. Daller: Okay.

Captain Brien: Right away, I start coming up with ideas on what I’m gonna do for the day. I usually don’t have a plan until I get up and hit the shower.

Dr. Daller: Okay.

Captain Brien: I have no agenda.

Dr. Daller: Okay.

Captain Brien: But these things just instantly start going. In my mind says, “Going, going, going, going.” If someone’s gonna talk to me, forget about it. Because I start thinking out loud and I sound like a madman. But that’s what I do. I line up my day. And most of the time, by the time I get out of the shower, I already have 10 things I need to get accomplished. And that’s how it works.

Dr. Daller: Do you write them down, or what —

Captain Brien: I message myself.

Dr. Daller: You message yourself.

Captain Brien: I’m a terrible speller and a terrible writer which is probably why I don’t comment a lot because if I do, I’m gonna spell something wrong

Dr. Daller: K is the most I’ve seen from the Captain.

Captain Brien: But I don’t spell very good. And I never did. And it’s something I’m sure that there’s gotta be some kinda dyslexia, something running through my head but overall, when I write things, I do make mistakes in the grammar so I don’t tend to write a lot of things down. But I’ll dictate and I use video, and I use audio which is my podcast is really good, which is why I do good with the video stuff. But when I write, I’m not gonna go and write a novel. Someday I wanna write a book but I need a writer, I need a ghost writer.

Dr. Daller: And you can. And , you know, I’m thinking about the one day we’ll do a podcast about how to write a book. And I really want to write a book in the next couple of years. And that’s impressive. Captain Brien, that’s truly impressive. You know, I thank God, when I drive, when I’m in my car, this is my sanctuary. This is the time that I have time to think, to reflect on things. So when people are complaining about traffic, for me, I don’t care because it’s the time for me to reflect about life

Captain Brien: I send video messages all the time too.

Dr. Daller: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m like, when I have something to say, I’ll just send a message in video, even to myself. Do you send messages to yourself because I feel like if I get those messages, I even send text messages to my own message where it shows that I said and I received it.

Dr. Daller: I do that sometime. I send messages, I put on my notes on my phone, I take a picture of something that is important.

Captain Brien: And then what happens when you go to all your screenshot, you say, “I don’t know what the hell I took that picture.”

Dr. Daller: “Why, why did I take a picture of that note?”

Captain Brien: “What am I doing that time?” No idea but most of the time it’s for something so I keep them for a while and then I had to go and I clean them all out. What about your emails? How often do you clean those out?

Dr. Daller: Everyday.

Captain Brien: Everyday?

Dr. Daller: Every single day. My read my email, all my emails, every single day.

Captain Brien: And then you delete them?

Dr. Daller: You send me email, I do delete the one that I don’t need. So if you send me an email, I didn’t reply that mean the same day, that mean I did not receive my email. Very, very important for me. My email, the inbox, is completely empty.

Captain Brien: Hundred and 50 thousand messages in my inbox.

Dr. Daller: No way!

Captain Brien: I bet I have a hundred and 50 thousand right now if I go–

Dr. Daller: No, no , I mean every single day

Captain Brien: I get so many messages I can’t even keep up.

Dr. Daller: I clean it up all the time.

Captain Brien: I do go through every one but I don’t delete like I just look at the preview. If the previous is interesting, or if I know who it’s from, I read every one. But there’s so many, I can’t keep track. How do you manage the time? Because other people out there, they can’t manage.

Dr. Daller: I find the time. Everybody find excuses for everything. I talk to people about diet and body modification. Today, I talked to this guy and he says, “You know, I tried this, it don’t doesn’t work. I tried this, it doesn’t work.” We always find excuse. “Oh, I have big bones.” How many times people told you , “You know, I can’t lose weight because I have big bones so I have this.” We have to find the positive, how to tackle things. And, you know, this is what I love about this podcast. Because in this podcast, you give people the strategies. You give people the tools how to do things. For example, how to make a banana bread or how to lose weight. I mean, different things and it depends on your interest. Here, we are talking about health, and lifestyle, and all the things that we care about. And we give them the strategies, we give them a good story behind it that keeps it interesting. And we give them the ability to start and have that inertia, have that momentum to say, “You know what, today is the day!” And everyday you have to think about living the present. Today is the day. Don’t live in the past. Why people take anti-depressant and are still depressed because they live in the past. They don’t live in the present.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Dr. Daller: And frankly, we shall not live too far in the future because who knows what’s going to be in the future. I mean, you live in the present, right? You are, right now, driving here in a nice car, air conditioned, he has a lot of cameras all around us. I mean, you should see this place. It’s unbelievable. It’s like a studio thing.

Captain Brien: And I gotta say my light guy, keep it down back there.

Dr. Daller: Tons of little people here everywhere. It’s amazing! Amazing, this place.

Captain Brien: Like drone flying over the head, this show’s amazing!

Dr. Daller: So I really appreciate those podcast that you do in the different topics. And again, my affinity is towards health care. And I just read an article by a guy from University of Michigan, and he says that, “97% of American don’t have healthy health lifestyle habits.” So all only 3% of us really preach what we practice and we practice what we preach. So this is something that in the next, if you podcast we’re going to motivate people to have responsibility about their health because, again, when people tell me it’s expensive to go to a Whole Foods to buy organic and whatever you buying, chicken or whatever it is. You know what’s expensive? Going to the doctor. You know what’s expensive? Going to the hospital. You cannot afford going to the hospital. You have to be a billionaire in America if you don’t have insurance to go to the hospital. Even with insurance, you have call pay, you deduct of all these. It’s outrageous! So staying healthy, believe it or not, buying healthy food, eating healthy, not eating crap, extremely cheap. It’s not expensive.

Captain Brien: I go to the gym. I like to work out but I also like all food. So what’s my go-to move, if I have a craving?

Dr. Daller: Very good question. I don’t have a sweet tooth. I like food. I like food so I like to have healthy food. So if you decide to have fish, buy wild-caught fish. Don’t buy farm-raised fish. And, again, it doesn’t need to be expensive fish. You don’t need to spend 30 dollars a pound. You can buy for seven dollar a pound. A nice red snapper. And those prices that I just told you, I was at Whole Foods on Sunday and that was the price. Seven dollar a pound for snapper, for red snapper. Not bad!

Captain Brien: No, that was cheap.

Dr. Daller: Cheap! I know it wasn’t sale, I have to have the Amazon card, you have to have these stuff but big deal! Seven bucks, great price! So for me, is to go for real food. And I do like some fruit and vegetables. I grab an apple, I will grab an orange, I will do all these stuff and get healthy habits. Not that difficult. But you will never see me at Taco Bell. Ever, ever. If you ever see me at Taco Bell, don’t talk to me anymore.

Captain Brien: I have, I’ve eaten Taco Bell probably 15 times my whole life. How many times have you eaten?

Dr. Daller: Probably ate maybe more than that but it was in college. I used to live, my apartment was right on top on Com. Avenue in Boston. You know Com. Avenue?

Captain Brien: Right, of course.

Dr. Daller: So I used live right on top of a Taco Bell. So the Taco Bell, down, and one of the girls I used to date, she used to work there. So I used to eat, I didn’t pay for the food. But it was horrific food. But I was young. I could do whatever I wanted. I was invincible. But today, if I eat one Taco Bell, I will probably, I don’t know if I’ll make it. Deadly!

Captain Brien: I just come back from Las Vegas, and I cheated every day. I have to admit. But I did workout before and after. I was only there three days. So I cheated for three days. But I had to workout before I got there and the second I got back.

Dr. Daller: When you say you cheated, you mean the burger?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I ate at Eataly at the Venetian. Oh my gosh I ate at every place.

Dr. Daller: And you know what, that’s okay. That’s okay, that’s not bad food. That’s not horrible food. Horrible food are really the big time processed food. The food that you buy for 49 cents. Whether there’s a taco, burger for 49 cents. You are in the food business, you understand you cannot make something for 49 cents.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Dr. Daller: It’s not possible.

Captain Brien: No.

Dr. Daller: How can you do that? How can you buy a bun, and a burger, and everything, and cheese, and lettuce, and all these stuff for 49 cents.

Captain Brien: And make it valuable for your body. Zero, zero nutrients.

Dr. Daller: Zero nutrients, absolutely. So, again, healthy habits, healthy eating. Whether you’re going to the gym and pay a hundred dollars a month, or 10 dollars, in some other gym or just doing it yourself doing some pushups, and pull-ups. You don’t really need to spend that money. It’s not that expensive to stay healthy. It’s very expensive, very, very, expensive not to stay healthy.

Captain Brien: I wanna ask you this question. I saw a health fitness person on Instagram, mentioning that the first seven minutes when you wake up, your body’s create some kind of, I don’t know, enzyme or something what’s it called. Is this a thing? It burns the most calories in the first seven minutes when you wake up out of bed?

Dr. Daller: No, there’s no such a thing.

Captain Brien: So I thought so! I thought she was full of bull.

Dr. Daller: Yeah, there’s no such a thing. It’s true that testosterone level that you have in your body is higher in the morning.

Captain Brien: I didn’t know where she was going with this. I couldn’t even figure out she said the first seven minutes you burn the most calories, she said. Even if you do 15 sit ups and 20 jumping jacks. You’re gonna burn in seven minutes more calories than you are, if you’re not during those seven minutes when you wake up.

Dr. Daller: No, no, no, there’s no.

Captain Brien: I didn’t even heard that.

Dr. Daller: You burn the same calorie you burn in the morning or at night. The amount of calories that you burn doing pushups–

Captain Brien: You can’t believe everything you hear on the internet.

Dr. Daller: Except on this podcast.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Dr. Daller: Everything we say is vetted. We have people that vet everything we say are factic.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we have chats to valid to —

Dr. Daller: All the time. All, everything we say. Some of you have checking on Google.

Captain Brien: They make us walk the plank.

Dr. Daller: Absolutely, absolutely, so no. You really don’t need to wake up in the morning and to do 20 pushups. It would be nice if you can. But some people their joints hurts a little bit, don’t have the time. Do it whenever you can. Really, it’s true. It doesn’t make any difference when you do it. Your testosterone level is higher in the morning. There is a circadian rhythm for younger people. When I say younger people, less than 50, their testosterone is higher in the morning and you have less testosterone at night. As a result, we can fall asleep and we can do other things that we don’t need to be that alert for. That’s why in the morning, we are more focused. Again, the morning time is the best time to do activities, overall, because your brain is very, very, focused.

Captain Brien: Well, listen, I think that we know we’re on the right track. We know that every Tuesday, we’re gonna be here 2:30 live.

Dr. Daller: Every Tuesday–

Captain Brien: Every Tuesday, 2:30 live. You guys can send us your comments, ask us our questions, tell us everything that you wanna know ’cause we wanna hear what you’re interested in, right? And when you’re scrolling through, let’s see, Mal, we get all kinds of people on here. PD, all kinds of people. I don’t know, there’s so many.

Dr. Daller: 11.

Captain Brien: Johnny Pizzy, they’re all up there. But anyway, you guys ask us your questions. Dr. Daller’s specialty obviously is men’s and women’s sexual being and positivity and help. And he’s got way more answers than I got. Well, I’m just here to have a good time and enjoy all these knowledge, you know what I mean? So, listen guys, dm us your questions. Come back to us, we’re gonna answer on live in Captain’s log with Dr. Daller and we’re everyday but don’t forget on Tuesdays at 2:30, you’re gonna see Dr. Daller and he’s got your health right in the palm of his hand.

Dr. Daller: Take care.

Captain Brien: Next time.

Dr. Daller: Bye-bye, thank you, sir.

Captain Brien: See you, we’re out guys.

Episode 214 The Captain’s Log with Comedian ISMO and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Live, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Finnish Comedian Ismo joins Captain Brien to discuss his famous “ass” skit from Conan, his journey to becoming a comedian in America, and ISMO and Captain Brien have a competition on who can use more words with “ass” in them! You won’t want to miss this!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2y8Ze-P1SE&t=24s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian ISMO out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Hey guys, welcome back. It’s the captain’s log and my guest today is ISMO, the world’s most famous Finnish comedian.

ISMO:  Oh yeah, I am.

Captain Brien: Yeah and Finnish is like, what happened to my voice? It’s already finished. So Finnish is like something that I’ve never said before. I’ve never said, oh, he’s a, he’s, what did I say? He’s a Finnish.

ISMO: Finnish or a Fin

Captain Brien: A Fin.

ISMO: Or from Finland.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah. You’re the first person that I’ve hung out with from Finland.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Well, I mean, it’s exciting.

ISMO: Well glad to be the first.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO:- Yeah.

Captain Brien: So there’s 5 million people that live in Finland you told me?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And how on the famous scale how famous are you, the top five?

ISMO: Well, hard to say. Like there’s lots of like sports stars and everything but like yeah. In Finland, yeah it’s pretty, yeah.

Captain Brien: Your superstar?

ISMO: Well yeah I guess.

Captain Brien: You’re like an A-Lister in Finland?

ISMO: I would guess that.

Captain Brien: And you’re working your way up in the United States now?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: I mean you got a video that’s almost 70 million from Conan O’Brien that was amazing. What was that like life changing, the first time you woke up and saw that it hit like 20 million?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah, it’s so yeah, it’s been, uh, I was like, what do I do? Like a year ago when I did Conan it started, the post and the views really started to go up, I was like, okay, it’s now 20 million now it’s 25. What do I do?

Captain Brien: When did your phone start ringing? Like when people started like saying they wanted to book you or they they wanted to have an interview or when did that happen?

ISMO: Yeah, right away like yeah, it’s really changed a lot.

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah I did touring in the US before that but then it really, really, really took off after that so.

Captain Brien: And and in Finland, you had already had videos out or?

ISMO: Yeah, like yeah, in Finland, I’ve been doing comedy for like, 16 17 years.

ISMO: Yeah. So I’ve done lots of TV and of course, lots of YouTube videos and whatever and things and lots of tours.

Captain Brien: Who booked the gig on Conan?

ISMO: Well, the guy who books Conan

Captain Brien: No but you made the phone call originally?

ISMO: Well, I have a manager here and so.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah, I did. Actually, I did Just for Laughs Festival 2017.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay, I missed that one that’s why I didn’t see you then.

ISMO: Oh, yeah, so yeah, that I think that was the link. Like I did really well there and then the booker for Conan heard about that and then we started from there.

Captain Brien: That’s what happened. So when you got to the US, you were performing at, you said the Laugh Factory?

ISMO: Yeah, that’s where I started in LA like, yeah.

Captain Brien:: And how did they get you on stage first?

ISMO: Actually, they had a competition 2014, they had a competition called “The Funniest Person in the World”

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: So I thought that’s a good name for a contest. So there were lots of comics from different countries and I had never done a gig in America before that.

Captain Brien: So you flew in for the competition?

ISMO: Yeah and I won it all.

Captain Brien: How did you find out about it?

ISMO: Well they searched for comedians all around the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: They like okay we’re gonna have this contest so they searched and they looked for like every country and they found me and I like first you participated like with an online video and stuff but then when you go to the finals then okay then just like hey you have to fly to LA now and I was like oh okay I have to cancel them shows in Finland, move them around.

Captain Brien: And they didn’t pay you to fly in?

ISMO: Well yeah I think they paid like yeah they gave like a travel buyout or something.

Captain Brien: Okay, because they were selling tickets to the show probably, right?

ISMO: Yeah sure so but yeah so but that’s really I did my first ever gig in America in the contest and I won it and then I’m like less than a year later I moved here so.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s so exciting. And you brought your wife?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How did she decide that it was going to be okay that you guys are going to move because she saw that your career was going to be the one that was going to take you here?

ISMO: Yeah she was like all for it so that she’s been super supportive so all the way all the time and like even like we didn’t even decide it was kind of obvious when they was like okay we’re gonna move to America now, I’m literally just like how do we arrange everything so it yeah it wasn’t, there was no debate like we weren’t even thinking like, well because it was like kind of this, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t do it.

Captain Brien: Correct, correct.

ISMO: It was kinda obvious to do it.

Captain Brien: What’s the weather like in Finland? I don’t even know, it’s cold right?

ISMO: It’s really north so yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s cold as hell.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what I thought.

ISMO: Yeah like it’s really nice in the summer but like the winter is long and cold and dark so yeah.

Captain Brien: And you get a lot of rain or is it all snow?

ISMO: Well yeah, rain in the fall but then December to like April it’s pretty snowy.

Captain Brien: Is there good skiing?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah lots of skiing.

Captain Brien: Are you a good skier?

ISMO: I would say like I used to do it a lot and I used to snowboard a lot that was years ago.

Captain Brien: You have the look, the whole look with the hair, you look like a snowboarder. Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good style.

ISMO: But I have to start surfing now because I’m in LA.

Captain Brien: You need to now how to surf bro.

ISMO: I’ve only surfed once.

Captain Brien: You gotta hang 10, right. Yeah hang loose.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I promise I will start it soon. I’ve been putting it off.

Captain Brien: You probably don’t tan very, well you tan a little bit it looks like.

ISMO: I guess.

Captain Brien: Yeah your skin is not super light, it looks like you got a little surf style tan.

ISMO: oh yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s sexy.

ISMO: Yeah I know I been here in Florida so I’m definitely gonna at least go to the beach. I don’t think I’m going to surf.

Captain Brien: They said your video about, the ass is the toughest word in English is hilarious which it is hilarious but I understand you have one about shit now.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s better you think?

ISMO: Well, yeah that shit thing yeah it’s like a newer bit and I really love it. I put some of it online but it’s like 10 minutes, 10 minutes of shit stuff so.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot of shit.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah a whole lot of.

ISMO: A shit load of shit.

Captain Brien: A ton of it.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A crap pile.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Give me a couple words, ways to use the word ass and let me see if I can come up with a couple. Let’s play see how many we can come up with in a row.

ISMO: Okay, well, hard ass.

Captain Brien: Dumb ass.

ISMO: Smart ass.

Captain Brien: Oh, God I am terrible.

ISMO: Oh there are so many.

Captain Brien: You got me on the ass. No come on I gotta be better than that. Uh.

ISMO: Ass tone.

Captain Brien: Jackass.

ISMO: Jackass, yeah.

Captain Brien: Does that work?

ISMO: Yeah jackass that’s great.

Captain Brien: That’s jack who’s an ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Well half ass.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could say, move your ass, that’s one of yours?

ISMO: Yeah, move your ass or my ass.

Captain Brien: Ah yeah like a half a ass.

ISMO: Oh yeah half ass is like not concentrating just halfing it but my ass is no.

Captain Brien: Yeah just no way.

ISMO: Yeah my ass.

Captain Brien: Right, like you say your car is fast my ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I love that. So there’s nothing in like in Finnish that’s similar?

ISMO: Well there we have words we have and I actually I did this joke about the Finnish word that means like everything but it’s very different than

Captain Brien: What’s that word?

ISMO: It’s well it’s like two words. It’s and that means like everything but it’s different like you don’t use it as like ass. You add it to stuff like ass but it’s just by itself it can mean like let’s go or look what you have done or I can’t wait to be like it can be anything so. But it’s a weird word it’s completely untranslatable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so then nobody, do they use it as a joke in the same context or no?

ISMO: Well I made a joke about it but like so yeah but then after that people are like, okay we use that word a lot, yeah.

Captain Brien: While we’re talking let’s get everyone to tell us where you guys are tuning in from? If you’re in Finland, let us know. Do they have Facebook in Finland?

ISMO: Of course.

Captain Brien: They do right? So wherever you guys are we’re in Naples, Florida right now and we’re heading to 103.9 where Big Mom and the Wild Bunch and 96 k rock we just left 1055 the beat and you have six huge shows at Off the Hook comedy club.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: This week, which is amazing.

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: And when I first discovered you, I think it was the Conan clip but that’s why I was like, alright, I want to get this dude and then it just like started going crazy, like the clip is 70 million and counting that’s amazing.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s shocking to me. So is there another clip out there? The shit clip is pretty popular too, yeah?

ISMO: Yeah, I put out the shit clip like last year and yeah and that’s only a part of the shit bit. So when I do it live it’s way longer. And yeah have to find some more words to do that.

Captain Brien: Yeah you got to do something like, balls.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I don’t know like my balls, balls deep.

ISMO: Well actually I have a joke about balls, it’s yeah but that’s different. It’s not like kind of like.

Captain Brien: Yeah you can’t use as many.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I just came off that off top my head. yeah but that is actually weird that like having balls is the metaphor for being courage.

ISMO:  Like being tough.

Captain Brien: Brave.

Captain Brien: You got big balls.

ISMO: Yeah. And it’s kind of unfair.

Captain Brien: He’s got no nuts.

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s so unfair saying for women.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, what are they going to do?

ISMO: Yeah, it’s like that was invented by men so I think we should change that.

Captain Brien: I agree, I think they should have some balls, they should get a pair.

ISMO: Well, I always just change the idiom.

Captain Brien: Hey who wants to go see the show this weekend? I’ll give away two tickets tonight and two tickets tomorrow to the next two people that say, that live within 30 40 miles probably because you might not go any further than that. I mean, he is funny, but you’re probably not going to drive more than 50. They gonna drive more than 50 miles to see you?

ISMO: 51, I say 51.

Captain Brien: Your jokes are about 51 mile funny you know, so I agree, I agree Because otherwise you know, you’re gonna be in a small area. You gotta broaden the horizon.

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: So what are you looking forward to doing this weekend? You’re traveling alone right?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So are you gonna get to the beach?

ISMO: Yeah, definitely, I’m planning to do that one of these days.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because it’s Florida, it’s hot.

ISMO: It’s all about the beach here.

Captain Brien: It really is. And when you’re in town, what’s your favorite food? I’m a good food guy, I’m a foodie. I can tell you where to go. What do you like? I don’t know anything about Finnish food. What is Finnish food? What’s your main dish?

ISMO: Well one thing that’s really popular in Finland is reindeer.

Captain Brien: Reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah, reindeer, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s probably not gonna go over too big. Bambi is not going to be the dish of the weekend.

ISMO: Or Rudolph.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Captain Brien:: Oh yeah, yeah Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah, Bambi is a deer.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

ISMO: I eat that too.

Captain Brien: We need to get the right deer.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. No one’s gonna eat Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They eat reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah it’s really popular. You can have pizza with reindeer.

Captain Brien: Pizza?

ISMO: Or everything, it’s reindeer anything.

Captain Brien: Do they do they shave it or they make sausage out of it because they make sausage right?

ISMO: Well that’s of course many like different ways to have it but most common is like, like kind of these small bites of like smoked reindeer

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: and you just sprinkle it on like, you can make whatever.

Captain Brien: And it’s like so it’s like bacon bits?

ISMO: Kind of yeah.

Captain Brien: And they’re just very popular? Everybody has their own flavors or what?

ISMO: Well yeah, we like the more North you go the more reindeer I eat because they all like, the reindeer live in the North so that’s kind of if you’re south in Finland you can get it but it’s not that popular but in the North that’s like the main thing.

Captain Brien: Because we love reindeer here, we care for them and then you guys are just shooting them down and eating them?

ISMO: Well they’re actually like farmed. They’re like domesticated.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: But they still kind of roam free but it’s kind of like, yeah, I’m not an expert on reindeer farming.

Captain Brien: Why not? Come on ISMO I need some reindeer advice here.

ISMO: oh yeah, yeah you have to like ear mark them and then the let them roam free and then you gather them once a year.

Captain Brien: And then eat them?

ISMO: A few of them or something.

Captain Brien: You just kinda call down the heard?

ISMO: And on the road, you have to always in Finland, you have to watch out for reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

ISMO: Yeah there’s lots of reindeer.

Captain Brien: Are they huge?

ISMO: No they’re smaller so like there mooses also, if you hit a moose that’s it.

Captain Brien: Is hunting big in Finland?

ISMO: I think it is, I think it’s kinda big.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And do they shoot reindeer?

ISMO: Well, no because reindeers are owned by somebody so you can’t shoot anybodies reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh reindeers are like domesticated.

ISMO: Yeah they are domesticated but they roam free with the ear mark.

Captain Brien: Gotcha, gotcha.

ISMO: So that’s kinda the thing. But mooses are not so yeah people will shoot mooses.

Captain Brien: Huge ones.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so they must have moose meat? Yeah, yeah there’s moose meat you can eat.

ISMO: sometimes you can eat bear.

Captain Brien: If I was gonna go to Finland, what would be the dish that I have to try.

ISMO: Well, reindeer definitely with mashed potatoes and lingonberries.

Captain Brien: Is it a gravy on top or no?

ISMO: Normally no just like butter on lingonberries. It’s like a berry that’s really.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I know they make that jam, right?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They make a lingonberry jam?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right?

ISMO: So that is kind of yeah, it’s really like, what’s the word, it’s like a berry that’s like makes you go like, uh. I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: It’s uh, it’s tart? Is it tart, it’s kind of tart aren’t they?

ISMO: Yeah like like hmm, I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: Yeah somebody said tart and I think they are, I think they’re tart. They’re sweet and tart though?

ISMO: Yeah, but normally you add sugar to them a little bit but they’re not sweet, they’re really like, uh.

Captain Brien: So they’re sour, have a sour taste? And they put that on top of the meat?

ISMO: Yeah, we use lingonberries for everything. Like the jam you can use it for always when you eat. Like if you eat liver or if you eat like blood sausage, always put lingonberry jam on it.

Captain Brien: Blood sausage is not my thing. That’s one of the things I can’t do. Well, even when I hear it on the menu I’m like nope staying far away from that one. But I’m very adventurous with my meals, I like to eat. I eat all kinds of stuff, but the blood sausage sometimes just turns me off.

ISMO: Yeah, well the Finnish blood sausage it’s good. If you go there you have to try that.

Captain Brien: Is it grilled or smoked or how do they do it?

ISMO: I guess it’s like smoked.

Captain Brien: You don’t cook very much I take it?

ISMO: Well I, nobody makes blood sausage at home. It’s a thing you get like from a hot dog stand.

Captain Brien: But when you take it home. Do you cook it?

ISMO: You just warm it.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because it’s already cooked.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay. So then it must be like, cured or smoked?

ISMO: Yeah, something like that. In some cities, it’s very popular to have big blocks of it like as a late night snack, your hot dog.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay, okay.

ISMO: Like a drunk food.

Captain Brien: Do you have mustard, do you put mustard on it?

ISMO: Yeah, and the Finnish mustard it’s different. I kinda miss that it’s different. I miss the lingonberries and the mustard and I miss the there’s this one thing that like curd you know, like something made of milk.

Captain Brien: Is it cheese?

ISMO: No and it doesn’t exist here. I tried to find it forever but it’s like this, it’s kind of like sour cream but it’s completely different. And we use that for all like dipping sauces.

Captain Brien: That must be like, fresh crema?

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s different from that.

Captain Brien: It’s different from fresh crema?

ISMO: It’s like Finnish curd. So it’s

Captain Brien: Isn’t that where the Vikings? You guys have a lot of Vikings?

ISMO: Well, Vikings were mostly like Norwegian. And I think they are not like it’s not like a profession anymore. There’s no school for pillaging. Yeah, that was like Norway on the coast. Finland was like, at that time, we weren’t, we didn’t have boats.

Captain Brien: Okay you were just chasing reindeer around?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: And so reindeer is like your cow?

ISMO: Well, yeah we have cows also but it’s kind of, yeah. Because it’s like half free and half like, domesticated so. It’s yeah, I don’t know what the equivalent but because it’s

Captain Brien: But it’s tougher, is it tougher than a beef?

ISMO: Like tougher?

Captain Brien: The meat.

ISMO: Yeah because they walk all the time. The cows just eat. So yeah it’s like game meat I’m sure.

Captain Brien: Right, right and you guys like the gamey flavor?

ISMO: Well we have our first, I think we eat more beef than reindeer. Everybody eat red salmon and all that basic stuff but reindeer is kind of like a specialty you sometimes have

Captain Brien: Yeah so like here, we’ll eat gator?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: Gators popular here.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I’ve never tasted that

Captain Brien: And rattlesnake, you can eat that.

ISMO: Yeah, well I have to try those.

Captain Brien: You should try those.

ISMO: Yeah.

ISMO: Maybe you should do like a mix with the gator, the rattlesnake and throw in a couple reindeer.

Captain Brien: Do you eat the actual rattle?

ISMO: The rattle is dead skin so it’s probably not that appetizing.

Captain Brien: Because then when you take a shit, it’s gotta go somewhere.

ISMO: Yeah it’s gonna. You’d think you had to go then imagine if you eat the rattle.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Holy cow. We are gonna wrap this up. This is the captain’s log. My guest, hey Mackstud, what’s up? My guest ISMO is gonna be at Off the Hook comedy club. Guys, if you wanted to get free tickets, I will give away, let’s see, six pairs of tickets. But when you’re leaving comments, I have to, you know, respond so like when there’s a million comments by the end of this podcast, I can’t respond to everybody. So if you don’t get a message that means you didn’t win but the six people that I will message win. And there will be six and then we’ll be good. And you come see us. Get tickets at Off The Hook Comedy, go see ISMO, what’s your social media?

ISMO: ISMO, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: I-S-M-O, you can’t miss him, you’re gonna love him.

ISMO: All caps on Facebook, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: Absolutely hysterical and I’m happy to have you. It was a pleasure, man thank you.

ISMO: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’re out.

Captain Brien: Bye.

Captain Brien: See ya

Episode 213 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Steve Trevino and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Fishing, Live, Prodcasting, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Comedian Steve Trevino joins Captain Brien to discuss what it’s like being a comedian, random comedian requests, and fishing! Tune into hear some of the funny, random, and sometimes obnoxious requests comedians make!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-OszdFOgk0&t=252s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Steve Trevino out and show him some love at:

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Steve Trevino: But I can do it here, huh?

Captain Brien: Yeah man, we’re back, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien:Steve Trevino, no, I can’t do it.

Steve Trevino: Trevino.

Captain Brien:- Trevino. I’m just gonna say Trevino like a white guy.

Steve Trevino: Trevino, yeah just be a white guy.

Captain Brien: I’m so white anyway, like, I don’t have any tongue roll.

Steve Trevino: So how do I do it on mine?

Captain Brien: So you’re gonna go like this.

Steve Trevino: Refresh.

Captain Brien: And, yeah. When you scroll down, and then scroll back up and see us. But thanks for joining me, man, The Captain’s Log. Now, have you been on the show, have we done this?

Steve Trevino: Well no, I’ve been a little jealous to be honest with you, every time I come into town you’re like, “Steve, I can’t make it, I got this going on.” And then literally the next week you’ll have, like, Eric Griffin. And I’m like, “oh, ’cause I’m not a workaholic.”

Captain Brien: No, no, stop, you know what it is?

Steve Trevino: We’ve been friends a long time.

Captain Brien: We’ve been friends a long time, but I’ll tell you why. Because you’re so professional. The truth is, I don’t have to babysit you. So it’s like a great weekend for me to understand, like, Steve’s got it all under control, he’s like a pro, he’s gonna knock ’em out of the park.

Steve Trevino: So I gotta flip mine up now.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah tell ’em, tell your peeps.

Steve Trevino: I think we did it.

Captain Brien: Good.

Steve Trevino: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Yep, you’re live. You can put it away, tell ’em.

Steve Trevino: Well look, I’m one of those guys that I know that, number one, I take it like a job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Steve Trevino: It’s my job.

Steve Trevino: Is it what I love to do, I love to do it, I love to be on stage, but at the end of the day this is my job.

Captain Brien: Correct.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I did it too when I worked at the comedy club, I would have to pick up the comics, it was a nightmare.

Captain Brien: Why, because 30% of the time they’re on time?

Steve Trevino: Yeah, maybe, and sometimes you’re knocking on the door, and then they give you the-

Captain Brien: I’m on my way, I’ll be right down.

Steve Trevino: I’ll be down in a minute.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I would just sit in the lobby and then I would get yelled at by the radio stations, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Story of my life every day.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, “no, it’s not me!”

Captain Brien: Every day.

Steve Trevino: I was there! I was trying to wake him up.

Captain Brien: I can’t tell you, you know the message I sent you, “hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” By the way, where is your coffee? Oh, it’s in the back.

Captain Brien: It’s in the back. “Hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” That message is literally my cue to figure out if they’re-

Steve Trevino: If they’re up or not.

Captain Brien: If they’re gonna make it, it’s worth it for me to get a coffee, breakfast, whatever they want, whatever they need.

Steve Trevino: But let me know you’re up.

Captain Brien: Let me know that you’re gonna make it today.

Steve Trevino: And a lot of comics too, they’re like, “oh I don’t wanna do radio.” And I’m like “look man, it’s part of our job.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember listening to an interview with Chris Rock where he was talking to a comedian, and the comedian goes “I wanna get to the point “where I don’t have to tour.” And Chris Rock’s like, “well, don’t be a comedian.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause it’s what we do.

Captain Brien: Yeah, who wants to be like a rock star and not play?

Steve Trevino: It’s part of our life, that’s how I make my money. Even Chris Rock still tours.

Captain Brien: I agree with that 100%, but I also feel like there’s this new movement they’re making where everyone’s like, “oh, I just wanna work on Friday and Saturday.” Oh, so you just want the club to go out of business. Like two days a week, the club is gonna be busy?

Steve Trevino: And I always laugh when I hear these. You know, like a new club will pop up, and these young comics are like “they are paying so much money.”

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, why don’t you tell them,

Captain Brien: That they’re gonna be gone in six months.

Steve Trevino: Right, do you want ’em here forever?

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: Or do you wanna get money right now?

Captain Brien: Correct, right.

Steve Trevino: So they have this attitude of like, oh, just go in there and get the money. It’s like, well they’re gonna go out of business.

Captain Brien: No, that’s not how it works, exactly.

Steve Trevino: I’d rather have constant work forever.

Captain Brien: Well again, that goes back to the reason why when you’re like “hey, “if I’m going out of town, if I’m not available that week.” I know certain weeks that I have to freakin’ be there and babysit.

Steve Trevino: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I have to do a hundred more things than I would do.

Steve Trevino: And then I have friends that tell me “I love comedy, I should be a comedy club manager.” And I’m like, “you don’t even know “what you’re getting into.

Captain Brien: Oh it’s like being a fishing guide. Oh you like to fish? Oh yeah, how about taking a moron fishing every single day of your life? You’ll hate it.

Steve Trevino: You’re gonna hate it. And not only that, every week is completely different.

Captain Brien: Every week.

Steve Trevino: You’re managing a different comedian every single week.

Captain Brien: And the audience.

Steve Trevino: I got to the hotel at The Punchline in San Francisco, and the guy at the hotel was like, “hey, here’s a bottle of 1941 “that somebody left for you.” And I was like “really?” And he said “yeah, a Marlon Wayans a bottle of 1941”, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I showed up at the club I’m like “man, Marlon Wayans left me a bottle of 1941.” And they’re like “really?”

Captain Brien: ‘Cause we paid for it.

Captain Brien:We had to buy one every night. Oh, just so you know, how nice of him that was, is that every night they bought one of those.

Steve Trevino: That’s what they told us, they go “Every night we have to buy him a bottle of this, “and he just left it at the hotel for you.”

Captain Brien: And I’m like “hey, you drank the whole bottle?” Because if not I’ll just go to the hotel, pick it up, and I’ll bring it back to the green room and you can drink the other quarter of it that you drank. Now it doesn’t work like that.

Steve Trevino: And we have been blessed and things are moving forward in my career, and my agents and managers, they’re like “what do you want in your green room?”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: “What’s your writer?” and I’m like “I don’t need anything.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you’re a man.

Steve Trevino: And if I want something, there’s a full bar at every comedy club I work at, I’d just get it.

Captain Brien: Right, I think a lot of the writers, aren’t they just cookie cutters? Like, they’re not gonna re-write someone’s whole new-

Steve Trevino: Somebody told me that somebody asked for a German Shepherd puppy.

Captain Brien: At every show or just one?

Steve Trevino: No, at every show, a new puppy. What I remember, dude, you used to have the condo, first of all, it wasn’t even a condo. It was somebody’s house, it was Brien’s house. It was huge, it was a full-on house. And Brien would be like “oh, stay at the house.” And you’re like “what?” And I love to fish right, so the dock was back there, we could fish all night. So anyway, I get there, and there’s like three pairs of Air Force One’s.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And you know who wanted those.

Captain Brien: Yep, well I told that story before. The thing about it is that it’s not one pair for the four shows, or five shows, or six shows, no.

Steve Trevino: Every show.

Captain Brien: It’s a different pair every show, what are you doing with those?

Steve Trevino: Eddie Griffin wants a different pair of white on white Air Force Ones for every single show.

Captain Brien: Yup, every show, one time, funniest thing-

Steve Trevino: And he just left them behind.

Captain Brien: I had him in September and it was back to school. And they only make so many, I didn’t know this because it’s not like the hottest new shoes. They only made so many Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: Nobody wants these shoes.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and so they get like x amount, and then they’re like oh, they’re not making Air Force Ones again for like nine months.

Steve Trevino: Right.

Captain Brien: This is back to school.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, the Chinese people are tired.

Captain Brien: See, I didn’t know this, right? So what they do, is they ship ’em all out, when they’re gone, they’re gone. So you have to wait until the next-

Steve Trevino: Shipment, or whatever, right.

Captain Brien: So I said “Eddie,” and he goes “oh yeah, “that happens all the time, I know.” I’m like “oh, alright.” He goes “let’s go to the store, “and we’ll pick out something together.”

Steve Trevino: Like a date.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. So we go to the mall, we go in Foot Locker, and he picks out a pair of shoes that are $15 cheaper than the Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: He wants that 15 bucks.

Captain Brien: Dude he took the 15.

Steve Trevino: No.

Captain Brien: Yeah. He didn’t take the 15, he goes “damn, “you thought you were getting away “$15 cheaper, yo, throw some socks in.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: Yeah! He added the socks in until it got to the same price bro.

Steve Trevino: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: And I just died. I was like “I should totally record this.”

Steve Trevino: That’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: I know, I know

Steve Trevino: It’s unreal to me.

Captain Brien: But it happened!

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I’m very blue collar, I grew up, my dad is a welder, pipe fitter, my dad was always like “hey man, work hard” you know. So to me that’s just unheard of.

Captain Brien: But he knew already how much they were and how much he was gonna spend.

Steve Trevino: “You owe me $15!”

Captain Brien: Yeah. He’s like “yo, yo, yo, you thought “you were getting away with that.” He said those words, “you’re getting away $15 cheaper.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Throw in some socks, throw in some socks, I died, dude. I just love the fact that he did that so I could tell this story.

Steve Trevino:  I couldn’t do it!

Captain Brien: I told the story a few times, it’s legit, 100% true.

Steve Trevino: I’m the kind of guy where, ’cause you know, sometimes I do the theater shows, and if I know that I have friends and family coming, I’ll ask for a bottle of Crown. Friends or family coming.

Captain Brien: Now you ask for a bottle of Captain Brien’s, vodka or rum, or gin right?

Steve Trevino: Well, my wife would probably love your vodka. I’m not a vodka guy myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Steve Trevino: So you know, I ask for a bottle of Crown, right? And I’m the kind of guy that I’ve gone back there and it’s not there and I’m just like oh, okay. I’m not gonna be like “wait a minute.”

Captain Brien: No, oh no.

Captain Brien: “Where the hell is my bottle of Crown?”

Captain Brien: The whole show’s gotta stop.

Steve Trevino: “I’m not going on stage.”

Captain Brien: I go, “Eddie, you can’t smoke on stage anymore, “they just changed the rules.” He goes, “Oh okay, okay Captain. “Eddie Griffin no smoking, Eddie Griffin no showing.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: He was dead serious. They were dead serious, so I literally had to have the fire marshal at the show stand outside while he smoked, he said it was a prop onstage. The new contract that I just did, I was trying to bring him back in April, right now, hadn’t had him in a few years. Hadn’t had him for like three years. I’m trying to bring him back in April. It says Eddie Griffin must smoke onstage or else there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: Well I mean, Chapelle does that.

Captain Brien: He must be able to smoke onstage, or there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: But there’s a law, right? Where it’s like a prop, right, onstage.

Captain Brien: That’s what he says, “so I’m going with a prop.”

Steve Trevino: On stage you’re allowed to almost do anything as “art” and the cigarette is part of that.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, it’s not like the whole audience is toking up, it’s just the guy on the show that’s doing it.

Steve Trevino: I wanna see, oh, I’m looking at my phone. I wanna see if it’s coming out of my deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it must be, no?

Steve Trevino: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, if you’re watching on Steve’s channel right now, on his Facebook, ’cause we’re live, Steve Trevino, my guest on The Captain’s Log, say hi, leave a message below.

Steve Trevino: Oh, it’s working.

Captain Brien: It’s working, it’s working! We’re good, yes.

Steve Trevino: It’s also 7:47-

Captain Brien: 100%, yeah of course. Okay, so I’m gonna send out an email for people to watch it, by the time the weekend ends, I’d bet we hit 35,000, maybe 50, what do you think?

Steve Trevino: Wow that’s awesome, I think that’s great.

Captain Brien: Maybe 50, I’ll call for 50.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I follow you on Facebook, so I’ll be like, last week you had my friend Vicky Barbolak, who I-

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s a doll.

Steve Trevino: Absolutely love, but I see all your little episodes.

Captain Brien: Thanks, buddy.

Steve Trevino: I hate when I say, your little episodes. Like when people come up to me and go, “oh, your little show.”

Captain Brien: Tell me a joke, funny man, do a dance.

Steve Trevino: My little show, it’s my life. It’s what I do for a living.

Captain Brien: Oh, I get it all day, I get it all day. But I actually, because I’ve been doing it now, steady for like almost a year, I like when people say that they see the show, no matter what. Even if they ate it, I don’t care, they see it.

Steve Trevino: Check it out, right.

Captain Brien: You watch it.

Steve Trevino: Well, the idea of a Captain’s Log is awesome.

Captain Brien: You think it’s funny, is that cheesy?

Steve Trevino:  No, well, I remember when you first booked me years ago, and it was like, oh, Captain Brien’s restaurant, I’m like, “oh, that’s a cool name for a restaurant.” And then you get there and you’re like “oh, this is an awesome restaurant.” And then I’m like “hey Brien,” and you’re like “no, it’s actually Captain Brien.” And I’m like “no, no, no.” You’re like a real captain.

Captain Brien: That really helped me in the industry those days because calling LA and being like “hey it’s Captain Brien”, they’re like, “what is this?”

Steve Trevino: Captain Brien’s calling.

Captain Brien: What is this dude doing?

Steve Trevino: The captain is calling, hold on.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember thinking to myself, there’s no way you’re a real captain. And then you started to explain to me, “no, no, no, I’m a boat captain.” I’m like, “oh, you’re for real Captain Brien.”

Captain Brien: Right, but we fished twice right?

Steve Trevino:  I fished with you one time.

Captain Brien: One time.

Steve Trevino: And then you set me up with Captain Buddy.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Steve Trevino: And Captain Buddy took me out fishing, and I caught the biggest jewfish I ever caught in my life. It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: That is awesome.

Steve Trevino: 500 pounds or whatever it was, it was huge.

Captain Brien: Do you see those videos on Instagram of them hooking them on the docks now?

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that was you.

Steve Trevino: We should have videoed that. Yeah, he took like a hard head, cut the barbs off, and then sent it down, and he was like, “just hang on.” And then sure enough, it was unreal.

Captain Brien: It just takes you.

Steve Trevino: It was awesome.

Captain Brien: It takes you.

Steve Trevino: Which, by the way, anybody watching, I love to fish, let’s go Saturday morning, take me out.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, you’re watching the Captain’s Log. I’m heading out of town tomorrow ’cause I have to be at some birthday party or something in Las Vegas

Steve Trevino: Sorry about your life, Brian.

Captain Brien: I need somebody to DM because Steve wants to go fishing.

Steve Trevino: Let’s go.

Captain Brien: He’s a pretty good fisherman, so you better bring your A game because he wants to put it on ’em. You wanna bring fish home to eat though, yeah? Or do you just wanna catch and release?

Steve Trevino: I catch and release, but we always keep at least one or two, because your restaurant will always cook it up for you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’ll cook it for you.

Steve Trevino: Which is freakin’ awesome. I think I caught a snook here for the first time.

Captain Brien: Redfish, snapper, right.

Steve Trevino: Growing up, we were catching redfish, we catch redfish, speckled trout, black drum. But out here you get the snapper, you get the snooks, which are like redfish on steroids. The tarpon are unbelievable to catch, you know. So it’s nice to come out and catch different things than what I’m used to.

Captain Brien: Which is always fun.

Steve Trevino: Yeah

Captain Brien: Did you bring any gear or no?

Steve Trevino: No gear.

Captain Brien: You don’t need it. Make sure you guys have enough gear for Steve, he’s coming. Anyway I have plenty of rods, so I’ll hook you up.

Steve Trevino: In Colorado in April, thank you so much John, man, I appreciate you, thank you.

Captain Brien: Come do it, come do it, you can’t miss Steve. Hysterical show, how long have we been working together now?

Steve Trevino: Well, what’s funny is remember Gary Mankey?

Captain Brien: I do.

Steve Trevino: Gary was the one that was booking me back in the day when, and again-

Captain Brien: Have you seen him lately?

Steve Trevino: I haven’t seen him in forever.

Captain Brien: I haven’t either.

Steve Trevino: I just remember one night. So, Brien would put us up in a house and next door was his parent’s house, and his parents had a pool. So your parents were out of town, and we thought Gary had died.

Captain Brien: Every day I think Gary might die. There is not a doubt that could happen.

Steve Trevino: Everybody’s like, “where’s Gary?” We had been drinking and partying. And it was like “I don’t know, man.” And somebody goes, he’s in the pool next door. So when we got there he was passed out in a tube just floating in the middle of the pool. And I’m like “oh my god, he’s dead!

Captain Brien: That had to be a sight for sore eyes, too, oh my god.

Steve Trevino: It’s like five in the morning, he’s dead.

Captain Brien: That’s so funny.

Steve Trevino: So then of course, the next morning, he’s up at like 9 AM.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh no, he doesn’t quit.

Steve Trevino: Making coffee.

Captain Brien: No way, does not quit. It’s like he bounces back dude, I don’t get it.

Steve Trevino: So that’s how I have known you, and then-

Captain Brien: If we called Mickey, oh, it’s 9 o’ clock. If I call at six o’ clock in the morning, he’s like “hey Cap, what’s up, doing radio.” I’m like “yeah.

Steve Trevino: He’s been 60 since I met him. He’s one of those dudes, I met him 20 years ago, he was 60.

Captain Brien: That is so funny.

Steve Trevino: If I saw him today, he’s 60.

Captain Brien: That’s hysterical.

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable. But that’s how long I’ve known you. And then one year was the first time I’ve ever brought my wife, because you had me here for Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then you had me over at your home.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, we had Thanksgiving at the house.

Steve Trevino: I will never forget.

Captain Brien: That was great!

Steve Trevino: That was so nice of your family, which by the way, your parents, they’re like a cartoon version of a 50 year married couple.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Steve Trevino: Right, that’s exactly what they are. But, I got to know your family, you, over the years. It’s just been great coming down to southwest Florida and having the opportunity to fish, to hang out, to do the show in a club that’s not your typical comedy club.

Captain Brien: Right, we’ve kinda expanded now. We used to be like 50% comedy, 50% restaurant. Now it’s more like 90% comedy, and 10% restaurant, on the off times. Everybody eats, which is always so great that people come and they eat.

Steve Trevino: Have a nice dinner, right.

Captain Brien: Because then it’s like a whole night out. It’s not just like “ha, ha, let’s go get some laughs.”

Steve Trevino: Drink a beer and have a laugh.

Captain Brien: So they stay, so then they keep coming back. That’s what has helped us so much, is that they can just do it whenever, even if they’re hungry and they wanna laugh, they can do it.

Steve Trevino: Well you know our friends Rich and Cathy, who come down here all the time, they’re like “Steve, we love the food there.” Not only do they like to go to the comedy club, the food’s good.

Captain Brien: They need to call me more, they never text me or anything when they wanna come to a show and I know that they come.

Steve Trevino: They just pay, right?

Captain Brien: They probably have enough money, so that’s okay.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, they’re fine.

Captain Brien: Tell ’em not to call me, everyone else does that.

Steve Trevino: But Rich and Cathy, they’re class acts like that. And that’s why we get along with ’em, they’re working class Pittsburg.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Steve Trevino: You know what I mean? Which, by the way, what do you think there’s more of in Florida? Steelers fans or Patriots fans?

Captain Brien: Dude I don’t know.

Steve Trevino: It’s both. It’s definitely both.

Captain Brien: Because I’m from New England, probably my side I’d say Patriots, because a lot of people around me are New England fans. But, imagine being in Pittsburgh right now, or freakin’ somewhere where it’s three degrees.

Steve Trevino: Oh no, no.

Captain Brien: Boston right now, Boston, three degrees when I told you this morning.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, but Boston people don’t care. They’re out, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’ve been there, I was in Chicago, I’ve been in Boston. Being a Texas guy, I’m like, “there’s no way “these people are going out.”

Captain Brien: Yeah I know.

Steve Trevino: It’s over.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s done.

Steve Trevino:  But they don’t care, they’re out there with their shovels, getting the day going.

Captain Brien: When I was in Boston back in college, when it was like 45 or 50 and if it was sunny, you crank down the windows and act like it’s a beach day.

Steve Trevino: Put my flip flops on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you act like it’s something special. And now I’m like, it’s 40 degrees out, it’s freezing.

Steve Trevino: This is miserable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, this is ridiculous.

Steve Trevino: What’s wrong with this place?

Captain Brien: So I guess it just depends what you’re used to, because who would do that today, goddamn.

Steve Trevino: Well, Florida’s one of those places, too, where it’s literally thunder storming and people that don’t know are like, well the day’s done, oh no, give it 10.

Captain Brien: Yeah no, it’s coming back in five.

Steve Trevino: Give it 10 minutes.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Steve Trevino: Sun will be out, everything will be dry again.

Captain Brien: What time is it, oh it’s three o’ clock? Yeah, by 4:15, everything’s gone.

Steve Trevino: Dry, you wouldn’t even know it freakin’ rained.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then the storm pushes through.

Captain Brien: I know, I know.

Steve Trevino: But it’s so nice to be here man, I love coming to your club and hanging out.

Captain Brien: I appreciate that, we love having you because again, first of all, everybody that comes gets one hell of a show. That’s the other thing, like you have some people that can’t sell a ticket, and that’s great. You have some people that can sell out every show. But at the end of the day, the clubs want a show that’s funny. They want the show that people are gonna love.

Steve Trevino: I remember I had just put one out, I had just put out “Relatable” on Netflix, and I performed at your club. And you were like “Steve, you’re gonna blow up.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: In my head I was like “well thanks, but I haven’t, “and I can’t wait for it to happen.” But you were like “no, no, no, trust me, I’m telling you it’s gonna happen.” And then sure enough man, people caught on to the video memes and the clips, and now we’re on the next special after that called “Till Death”, which my wife and I produced ourselves, but it’s just been cool to see the growth in markets and fans. And you were booking me before I had fans. You were just like, “Steve’s funny, I’ll bring him in.”

Captain Brien: Well I mean yeah, you can’t deny funny, it doesn’t matter if people know you or not. If that is funny, especially with the internet now, that’s how you become so successful. When you put something out that’s funny, that’s undeniable, it doesn’t matter if I tell the joke, or you tell the joke. If it’s a funny damn joke that whoever told wrote it, that’s what people are gonna laugh at. You don’t laugh harder because some famous dude told it.

Steve Trevino: It’s a joke, what’s great to me is comics will call me and they’re like “Steve, “how do you do it what’s the deal man, what’s with the video, how do you do it, I put out a video.” And I’m like “well maybe I’m funny.”

Captain Brien: Maybe somebody laughed.

Steve Trevino: Maybe my stuff’s good enough to share.

Captain Brien: Right

Steve Trevino:  And now you’re mad at me because nobody shared any of your stuff.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Steve Trevino: Kyle White, what’s up my man?

Captain Brien: Hey Kyle, what’s going on?

Steve Trevino: I can’t tell you how many comics call me and go, “what’s the secret?” I go “I don’t know, I’m funny!”

Captain Brien: Right, exactly, the secret is, I told a joke that actually people laughed at.

Steve Trevino:  That people like, you can put the meme all you want, but they don’t like it.

Captain Brien: And people don’t share everything. To get people to share stuff, it’s a work of art right now.

Steve Trevino: I was just seeing this thing on the news about the secret-

Captain Brien: Hey Biggs, what’s up buddy, we’re pulling in right now.

Steve Trevino: All these advertisers, what’s the secret to going viral, and they’re like, “we’d love to know that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s no secret, the secret is that people have to enjoy what they want. They have to give a shit enough to put it on their so everybody sees it.

Steve Trevino:  And I’m a snob when it comes to the video sharing. If it comes up on my page, on my feed a couple times, I ignore it, but then 10 times later, I’m like “alright, now I gotta see.” The “Linda” thing, I was so far behind on the train, because it was this little boy, I’m not interested.

Captain Brien: You gotta see what it’s all about. Well guys, you’re gonna see what it’s all about. See Steve at Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend. I’m Captain Brien, this is the Captain’s Log, Steve Trevino, buddy, we gotta do this again. Okay, thanks guys, be out.

Episode 212 The Captain’s Log with Kelsey Craft and Captain Brien!

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Captain Brien gets the opportunity to interview a beauty queen! Miss Estero, Kelsey Craft, joins Captain Brien to discuss what it was like being a part of the Miss Florida competition. Kelsey finished in the top 5!!!

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BOSq4lBmCE&t=59s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Kelsey Craft out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome back, this show is just for the guys. This is Miss Estero,Kelsey Craft who just competed in Miss Florida USA, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, last weekend.

Captain Brien: I’m so excited. Kelsey’s been on the show many times but I don’t think you ever sat shotgun, did you?

Kelsey Craft: Yes, when I gave you your Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh, you did when you gave me the Botox.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: All right. So now it’s all about you today, it’s all about you.

Kelsey Craft: Uh oh.

Captain Brien: Yes, I need to know all the good stuff. So you competed. First of all, you did a whole regiment getting up, getting ready for this?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How long did you get ready for it? Tell me the moves.

Kelsey Craft: You know, it was a lot of mental preparation, but I think I officially decided to compete in September.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And originally, the pageant was supposed to be in November and they pushed it back to January. So I had a little more time to mentally prepare, and physically prepare.

Captain Brien: Oh wow, they moved it? I got a little lucky. Yeah, they did.

Kelsey Craft: Why’d they move it?

Captain Brien: Because the Chrisley’s, you know from Chrisley Knows Best, Todd Chrisley, they own that franchise, the Florida USA. So Chrisley productions was putting it on and based on their production team and stuff, they needed a preview day.

Captain Brien: Gotcha. The damn production always screws things up. It screws up my comedy shows, it screws up everything. The only production team I really like is the one on the Captains Log.

Kelsey Craft: Oh okay, of course.

Captain Brien: It’s like legit.

Kelsey Craft: You’re hard to please.

Captain Brien: Yeah. They always are on time. They know what I wanna know. They know what I’m thinkin’. It’s amazing.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah well, but you wouldn’t do good in pageants then because a lot of is hurry up, wait, and do the things that you need to do to be a part of a team that’s making a production.

Captain Brien: All right, so tell me you put your mind to it. You were like, you told me like, Captain, I’m gonna do, I’m gonna run, this is my last time. Because I guess they have a certain restrictions, correct?

Kelsey Craft: Gosh, I know. I don’t know who decided that a random age of under 28 is the requirement to be a Miss, but.

Captain Brien: Wow, right?

Kelsey Craft: I aged out, yeah.

Captain Brien: So, you basically started, you started working out, I know that.

Kelsey Craft: I didn’t start working out.

Captain Brien: No, but you got serious about it.

Kelsey Craft: You know, the working out has never been an issue, it’s the meal preparation.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: It really is. When you’ve been active your whole life, that people talk about like the last five pounds and things like that.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: To be stage ready versus, Florida beach ready is a different concept.

Captain Brien: So wait, so there’s two different ones?

Kelsey Craft: I think so, yeah.

Captain Brien: We need to post a before and after like the Florida beach picture versus stage picture. So you’re skinnier on the stage one or the beach one?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Which one is better?

Kelsey Craft: Stage.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause there’s a difference between okay, I’m goin’ to the beach, I’m minding my own business and like laying there, I don’t care what everybody else is doing.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But when you’re on stage in front of hundreds of people, thousands including those watching online, you wanna look good.

Captain Brien: So you had to like, be banging.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I lost 11 pounds.

Captain Brien: Did you really?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I did.

Captain Brien: Oh, my goodness.

Kelsey Craft: And it’s so interesting ’cause so many people will go, you don’t need to lost weight or you know, when they see you in my scrubs.

Captain Brien: Where did it come, did it come from, did it come straight off the booty?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: What!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You added to the booty?

Kelsey Craft: You know, you do exercises to keep it the right size. It really is changing your physic. I mean, I dwindled my waist a little bit, my legs were slimmer, they gotta look long on stage.

Captain Brien: Did you have to get a trainer?

Kelsey Craft: I had a trainer that was training me virtually from Rhode Island.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness. So, oh, so you were like Face Timing?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, like we would text all the time and–

Captain Brien: Walk me through it, were you like, how’s this look daddy? Eh, eh.

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, it wasn’t like that?

Kelsey Craft: They’re a very respectable and respectful–

Captain Brien: All right, ’cause I thought they might do that.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, my trainer actually, I was recommended him by a friend who’d worked with him before.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: He’s actually got a long wait list so I felt very fortunate that he accepted me.

Captain Brien: He put you to the top damn it! You were gonna freakin’ be Miss USA.

Kelsey Craft: I was going–

Captain Brien: He better!

Kelsey Craft: I was like this is serious, I’m giving it 100%.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I need to be accountable to somebody and there were before photos, progress photos, weigh-ins, and not like the cheat weigh-ins where I’m like, okay I’m gonna weigh-in on my best day and send in a picture from a few months ago.

Captain Brien: Yeah, like it’s seven in the morning.

Kelsey Craft: It was like feet on the scale, like holding your phone.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: But I didn’t do feet on the scale ’cause I was like my phone’s gonna add like half a pound.

Captain Brien: I do that at the gym.

Kelsey Craft: So I got off the scale and took a picture of it.

Captain Brien: So you took the, I get it, I get it yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because you don’t want the phone, the phone weighs something.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so did you do it naked?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The scale every day?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You posted those?

Kelsey Craft: Just the feet.

Captain Brien: Oh just the feet, damn! I thought we were trying to get followers over here.

Kelsey Craft: Sorry, yeah no. Then I would be disqualified which is inappropriate.

Captain Brien: Yeah, were they strict about like everything because you didn’t wanna be on some of the shows because of the topics that we talked about some time, right?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think that it actually had anything to do with what the production team would necessarily say because it is my profession, being a healthcare provider.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But just in the sense of who’s watching, you gotta be neutral to all your audience and I wanna be a positive influence to young girls, so talking about certain topics might not be the best.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Kelsey Craft: For seventh graders to see.

Captain Brien: Of course, yeah because they follow you

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: And they respect you and they wanna be, they aspire to be you. Who doesn’t wanna be a beauty queen, right?

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: So this is, how many, what number pageant was the last one? You did so many and I know that you were Miss International in 2017.

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: So that’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: That yeah, that was huge.

Captain Brien: And that was–

Kelsey Craft: So some people would think I’m crazy, like why wouldn’t you just retire on top? Why wouldn’t you just like, go out with a bang? Why would you put yourself through that again? And I think that some people set limitations on you and you shouldn’t listen to that, so.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I know, I don’t listen to anyone.

Kelsey Craft: I am a late bloomer in pageant world. I didn’t start until I was 21. So I didn’t do the young stuff, I didn’t do teenage pageants, I didn’t even–

Captain Brien: Which probably was better. By the time you’re 21–

Captain Brien: You never know. You’re doing that non-stop like, don’t they start young?

Kelsey Craft: Some people start young, but I can’t really say better or not. You know, some people, this is a lifelong dream to be a role model and to have that experience and friendly competition.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: And each year you learn something–

Captain Brien: Is it friendly? Don’t tell me it’s friendly.

Kelsey Craft: I have been very fortunate.

Captain Brien: Those girls were catty. They must have been like, this bitch!

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, never? They never gave you any of this, like shit?

Kelsey Craft: That’s such a misconception.

Captain Brien: I would have thought so.

Kelsey Craft: I think that some people in pageant world, and in the world in general, so we gotta apply this that people have this preconceived notions about pageantry. And you can completely apply it to real life. So if you go in to any competition or any pageant worrying about other people, all your energy is gonna be focused on those other people instead of focusing on being the best you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: You know, so it’s like you’re playing not to lose, instead of playing to win.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good positive inspiration for everybody watching right now.

Kelsey Craft: Oh gosh, yeah.

Captain Brien: Not just, not just on the big stage.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: Okay, was the Miss International stage bigger because that’s was the final level? Or was this at the state level, like a bigger platform for you?

Kelsey Craft: Numbers wise, it’s interesting. So Miss International spans women from all over the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: Okay? The theater itself was bigger, the price package in the sense of being an international title holder seems of grand scale. But I think when I competed for Miss International there was about 50 girls.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay.

Kelsey Craft: And last weekend at Florida USA there were 68 women competing.

Captain Brien: 68 women, okay. So now, this is the question I have. You represented Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Yes.

Captain Brien: How did you get to become to Miss Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so to be considered to compete in the pageant you have to submit an application.

Captain Brien: From your city?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, I filled out, you just fill out an application of why you wanna participate in Miss Florida USA, what your goals are, what you do, just kind of a little resume. And then the director or the executive producer will actually call you and kinda interview you, get to know you, make sure you have best of intentions and make sure that you’ll represent the organization well.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: The title is based on where you live. So you know, secret’s out, I live in Estero.

Captain Brien: So what if there was no people in Estero?

Kelsey Craft: Then, you know, We had a Miss Fort Myers, we had a Miss Lee County, we had a Miss Naples.

Captain Brien: Get them on the phone, I need them on the show.

Kelsey Craft: Cassidy.

Captain Brien: I need Miss Naples, Miss Fort Myers.

Kelsey Craft: Monique.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my God, Miss Bonita.

Captain Brien: I’m calling all you, Sarah.

Captain Brien: Freakin’ everyone! Miss Marco Island, I’m bringing them all damn it!

Kelsey Craft: We will load your car with all the pageant queens from West Florida.

Captain Brien: Yes!

Kelsey Craft: We represented well, yeah.

Captain Brien: So was anybody on your turf, and they were like, oh, damn Kelsey is in Estero, I better move to Bonita?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No, no one did?

Kelsey Craft: Actually, my very first question in my interview was, so where is Estero? And I have to do it in reference, you know, it’s we’re 20 minutes north of Naples and I’m like, I’m here to put it on the map.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So hopefully, those people watching me from Estero are proud.

Captain Brien: You did Estero good.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You did, you did, you really banged it out.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: But no, come on! Seriously like, so how does only one person represent each city? I’m serious about that. So if somebody was like in Estero and they wanna do it too, would you have to compete?

Kelsey Craft: They might have to have a different title. So, we have to have delicate title for reference and where we’re representing and leading up to the pageant and afterwards. Where are you doing your most community service?

Captain Brien: You better tell, you better tell–

Kelsey Craft: You can have an East Orlando and a West Orlando, you can break it up.

Captain Brien: Ah!

Kelsey Craft: According to someone, they said that there were 1,200 applications received for the Miss and Teen, and they accepted 150. So it was a really big deal to even get to the point of being able to compete, very competitive.

Captain Brien: For the–

Kelsey Craft: For Miss Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah. So there was 1,200 applicants.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How many in those 1,200 in your mind were like, they flaked out after they sent the application?

Kelsey Craft: That is a concern, some probably were not accepted. But flaking out, there is something to be said about social media. There have been girls to see their competition and then bailout, because they’re worried like, why would I compete if so and so is gonna beat me? Which is just a losing mindset in and of itself.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: So they shouldn’t be worried about who else is competing. I try to not concern myself with–

Captain Brien: Plus it’s about the message, right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s not about who wins, or loses.

Kelsey Craft: Gosh! It should be about who wins in the sense of like, obviously you won it. Like I wasn’t training four to five days a week and eating out of Tupperware–

Captain Brien: Correct.

Kelsey Craft: If I wasn’t serious.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: But there’s something about the process, you learn, you become a better person, you become disciplined. That when you’re preparing for something of an end goal, and this was actually my on-stage question.

Captain Brien: What was it?

Kelsey Craft: One of my on-stage questions was–

Captain Brien: Ooh, God!

Kelsey Craft: Are we hot?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. So one of my on-stage questions was, what is your biggest flaw and what do you do to overcome it? So first of all I was like, how come I got a negative question? But it really was of self-awareness. And I said, what are my biggest–

Captain Brien: But you killed the question.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: You were the superstar.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: I saw that on your Instagram, right?

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so I posted one of two, you haven’t seen the other one.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: The top five question I got was, what’s your biggest flaw and what have you done to overcome it? And that was like, oh you gotta think on the fly. I’m thinking, I snooze my alarm clock, I don’t call my grandma enough. But in reality my biggest flaw is sometimes I get so goal oriented that my life is broken up in segments of, okay, in three months I’m gonna compete for Florida USA.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then in six months I wanna buy a house. And then, you know, you get to, but there’s beauty in the process. And I said, sometimes if we get so tunnel vision on what we’re trying to achieve, we miss the beauty all around us in what you’re learning, the relationships you’re building and how much you grow on the journey. So, that was mine.

Captain Brien: And they liked it?

Kelsey Craft: I think so.

Captain Brien: How many rounds were there?

Kelsey Craft: We did the interview, which is private, which no one gets to see. So sometimes when people go to watch the on-stage they have their favorite and they’re like, well, how did so and so get in the top? And I didn’t like their gown. Well, there’s an individual interview that goes on behind the scenes before we ever get to the stage. So that factors into a third of your score. And then everyone competes in swimsuit, and then everybody competes in the evening gown. Based on those three scores–

Captain Brien: What color swimsuit did you wear?

Kelsey Craft: I wore red. I was the only blonde in red.

Captain Brien: Red?

Kelsey Craft: Which apparently is like a bold move.

Captain Brien: Strong!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Strong move.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A thong, or regular?

Kelsey Craft: No, full.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: Full covered.

Kelsey Craft: Role model.

Captain Brien: I would have guessed thong.

Kelsey Craft: I wish.

Captain Brien: No.

Kelsey Craft: No, just kidding.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: Good coverage, you actually use glue to keep your swimsuit–

Captain Brien: Do you have a special one that you have to wear, ’cause I think– I’m assuming that everyone has to wear like pre-approved bathing suits.

Kelsey Craft: Okay, so we all got to choose our own swim wear. We were trying to set the tone for Florida USA being fashion forward, think Miami swim week vibe. So people got to wear prints and colors and styles. And then the top 15, which I made, we were sponsored by Vizcaya Swimwear and they gave each of the top 15 a standard white swimsuit to wear.

Captain Brien: Wait, so everybody had to be in the same one?

Kelsey Craft: In the same swimsuit.

Captain Brien: Wow, so then you’re really going apples to apples.

Kelsey Craft: Uh, you think about integrity–

Captain Brien: Literally on the apples.

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: I’m joking.

Kelsey Craft: You think about integrity in certain situations and pageantry can really show people’s true colors, too. ‘Cause I think back after the fact of how I act, how I behave, how I treat people. And we show up, once we were announced in the top 15, we show up to a station. They know who made the top 15 and they set up our bag and our clothes. And you have a table of everything that you need to get ready for.

Captain Brien: Is it all in the same day?

Kelsey Craft: Well, prelims were one day and the we show up.

Captain Brien: So then, the day you show up, there’s 15?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: Oh!

Kelsey Craft: So, we show up and we compete on stage on Friday.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: All 68, yes. On Saturday, everyone shows up and is lined up on stage. So when the audience is finding out who the 15 is, so are we.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So, imagine the nerves, like.

Captain Brien: So you are, like.

Kelsey Craft: I couldn’t ask my friends to buy tickets to both shows. So I was like, okay well, let’s hope I make top 15 so you can actually watch me compete.

Captain Brien: Oh damn!

Kelsey Craft: So it’s like, don’t come to Saturday.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they could have been and weren’t there?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: But you are.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: My gal! All right.

Kelsey Craft: You’re standing up on stage with all of the other women and you’re just hoping that they announce your name. There was like six people before before me, and I was like, now you’re doing the math like, oh, there’s only nine spots left so now I’m one in nine shot.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And it just goes down and down.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And so that’s really interesting.

Captain Brien: At what point were you like, holy crap-ola! I don’t know if I’m gonna do it.

Kelsey Craft: When they announced top six, the first six, and there’s no order.

Captain Brien: There was nine left.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. I think I was the seventh or something, I don’t remember when I was announced.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: I wasn’t–

Captain Brien: What if it went down to like number two?

Kelsey Craft: The last one!

Captain Brien: Would you have been dying?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. So, what they do is you’re announced in the top 15 and then everyone else goes back stage, and then the top 15 will be brought out individually for their own stage question, which is the one I shared with you.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: We can share later.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And then, after you’re introduced as hello, I’m Miss Estero here’s my question, then everyone re-competes in the swimsuit and evening gowns. Scores are wiped clean, so now it’s only you versus the other 14.

Captain Brien: And you’re telling me the girls aren’t talking about the girls in the swimsuits. Regular girls at the beach are talking about girls on the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe. Okay, we showed up to day one. We do an orientation, we do one hour, hello! Welcome, get ready for an exciting weekend. By the way we’re doing a photoshoot, so go get your bikinis on and we’re gonna go outside the hotel in front of the fountain. So we’re all standing there, don’t even know first name basis and talk about staying in your lane and not comparing yourself to other people. And you’re standing there in your bikini going, okay, who’s got a better body?

Captain Brien: Right!

Kelsey Craft: And do I have a shot?

Captain Brien: You must have been thinking?

Kelsey Craft: I was like, don’t look at other people.

Captain Brien: You had to be weeding some out.

Kelsey Craft: No, ’cause really what my thought process was is–

Captain Brien: I would have totally been. I would have been, got them!

Kelsey Craft: I got a four-pack, they only got a two-pack.

Captain Brien: Damn, I got them! Ooh damn, that guy is good. I’d have been, yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I went in really trying to be focused on myself. And I went in with the confidence of saying, I did everything that I can do and there’s no going back, so seven if someone has a better physique, I know I had three months to prepare, I was strict with that, I made it very known. I was open with my co-workers, my friends. And at that point there’s nothing you can do to change it. So who cares who has a better body, it’s also how you carry yourself.

Captain Brien: Absolutely!

Kelsey Craft: The confidence that you have the style, the walk.

Captain Brien: It’s all about your swagger.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, it is.

Captain Brien: Okay, so keep going, I got a bunch of questions.

Kelsey Craft: Oh, so we walk into, we are now set in the top 15 and we go into the back room, the dressing room, and they’re like, next phase of competition you’re putting on a sponsored swimsuit. Well, we haven’t been sized or anything, so here I got at my station and my swimsuit is just in a bag and you’re like, I hope this fits!

Captain Brien: Right, so what the heck, how did they know?

Kelsey Craft: They just–

Captain Brien: You had to send your size?

Kelsey Craft: No, I mean, they just kind, you know, mediums are safe bet and whatever. Well, I got next to the girl who, her physic was larger than mine, not overweight, I’m saying that she just had bigger chested naturally, things like that. So she gets in her bag and her top is an extra small. And she’s like, this is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I was like, you know, I’m really proud of myself looking back, I was like–

Captain Brien: Wait, did she have–

Kelsey Craft: You can have my–

Captain Brien: Did she have some surgery?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: They weren’t enhanced?

Kelsey Craft: This is not important.

Captain Brien: That’s important to me!

Kelsey Craft: The important part is, I looked at her and said, you know what, you cannot wear an extra small. You can have my medium.

Captain Brien: You took one for the team.

Kelsey Craft: And I took the extra small. Not even realizing like maybe it’s gonna look bad on me. Is this gonna affect my score? It was, you know what, I was being kind in that moment.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Kelsey Craft: Looking back, ’cause in my photos I’m like I could have done with a little bit larger top, but it’s okay. It’s okay!

Captain Brien: I need to see those, I’ll be the judge of that.

Kelsey Craft: Okay.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna make sure.

Kelsey Craft: I did the swimsuit and then you go in, you re-compete in the evening gown. And after the evening gown, the top 15 come out and they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right then?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: So you can be– There’s like an intermission and then you’re all in the gown again. You’re lined up with all 15 hoping they call your name when they announce the top five.

Captain Brien: And then, was there any good drama? Did any of the girls just totally break down and cry?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: No one argued?

Kelsey Craft: I’m really proud of–

Captain Brien: They weren’t like, this little B, I’m? Nothing?

Kelsey Craft: No.

Captain Brien: You guys were professional.

Kelsey Craft: If it happened, I was unaware.

Captain Brien: You were on the top five, the other girls and the ones in the back they were arguing.

Kelsey Craft: There is always gonna be a level of disappointment, but I think that the women that I competed with I just got so lucky that everyone was mature, well-rounded, there for to really be exceptional women.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: I don’t really think I have anything negative to say about anyone who competed or their experience.

Captain Brien: No, I don’t think so, but there could have been other women that weren’t as sweet, kind, and professional as you.

Kelsey Craft: Maybe, hopefully no–

Captain Brien: That would be the fun part to hear about.

Kelsey Craft: Hopefully nobody was talking poorly of me when they were watching me on the stage though.

Captain Brien: So what were the ages?

Kelsey Craft: So the ages for Miss, I believe are 19 or 18 to 27.

Captain Brien: And there was women that were at the bottom of that age?

Kelsey Craft: You know, there were some 20-year-olds for sure. I don’t know everybody’s age. Like I said, there were 68 people.

Captain Brien: Were they all pros? I don’t know if they’re professional, but I would consider you a professional since you’ve been doing this and you were successful at it. Were they some like first-timers?

Kelsey Craft: They were first-timers for sure.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: There were first-timers. And that’s an amazing thing, because you gotta do it your first time at some point.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I started late, like I said. And then there was some seasoned vets. I mean, I was in the top five with a girl that– The girl who won was first runners up last year, and then in the top five the year before that. So, she was seasoned.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Another girl in top five was Miss Texas America, so she’s already competed in Miss America.

Captain Brien: Well wait, so what, now she’s representing Florida? Then she cheated.

Kelsey Craft: She lives in Texas, but she’s from Naples. If you live, work, spend majority of your time in a certain state, you can represent your home state.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: So at the time she was at home in Texas.

Captain Brien: Oh okay, so before.

Kelsey Craft: Before.

Captain Brien: At a different year.

Kelsey Craft: Yes, a different year.

Captain Brien: Gotcha!

Kelsey Craft: She was representing Texas.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And this year she snow resides in Naples, works in Naples, spends most of the time there.

Captain Brien: When she represented Texas, did she go to the big dance?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she went to Miss America.

Captain Brien: She did?

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, she was Miss Texas America.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: So here I am, formerly Miss International, top five. The runner up from last year was in the top five.

Captain Brien: Right.

Kelsey Craft: Miss Texas America from, I don’t know what year, but she was amazing. Another girl who, I think it was her first time at Florida USA, I’m not sure, but she had represented Puerto Rico at some worldwide pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh wow!

Kelsey Craft: And then another

Captain Brien: I’m trying to read Scott’s. Is she gonna be your new spokesperson supermodel?

Kelsey Craft: Rum and vodka.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you know, she does it on the side.

Kelsey Craft: I gotta keep the figure, so I don’t know how much.

Captain Brien: Right, right

Kelsey Craft: And then the last girl that was in the top five, she was representing her platform and she was going and competing and giving it her all, first pageant ever, and had just gone through chemotherapy for breast cancer.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: At a young age.

Captain Brien: God bless her.

Kelsey Craft: In her 20s.

Captain Brien: Wow!

Kelsey Craft: So like four days after the pageant she actually went through the double mastectomy surgery.

Captain Brien: Oh my gosh!

Kelsey Craft: So talk about inspirational.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no kidding!

Kelsey Craft: Talk about competitive, and talk about stories worth sharing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, tough girl.

Kelsey Craft: So just to be in the top five, you’re disappointed it’s like, dang, I would have loved to go to Miss USA and I wanted to win. But it really just sit back and be just proud of the accomplishment making top five is huge.

Captain Brien: It’s huge.

Kelsey Craft: And even, for those who don’t make the top five or don’t make the top 15, just showing up is huge. Because there are thousands of people who don’t have that opportunity or are not brave enough to do so. So, props to everyone, because people judge pageants all they want, but it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

Captain Brien: It takes huge! Are you kidding me? Wait, people judge it? I don’t judge it.

Kelsey Craft: You don’t judge ’cause you like all the girls in swimsuits, but people have their preconceived notions about pageantry.

Captain Brien: Why do you just go right to the swimsuits?

Kelsey Craft: Because you just asked me for photo of those.

Captain Brien: This is embarrassing Kelsey. You’re talking and just saying I only like girls in swimsuits.

Kelsey Craft: You live in Florida.

Captain Brien: Well, I like the beach.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what it is.

Kelsey Craft: I wonder why! So yeah, there’s a lot to be said just about showing up for things, putting yourself out there.

Captain Brien: Absolutely! I can’t imagine! Okay, it’s gotta be super hard too, when you get to question and you’ve seen all the fail videos, right.

Kelsey Craft: Right.

Captain Brien: And now it’s gonna even more pressure on, you know?

Kelsey Craft: You know, looking back, you know the phrase hindsight 20/20. Looking back, there’s ways that I could have answered my question better. And you always think like, oh in that moment that was the best I could have done. And I reflect, and it depends on what your focus is.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: Because my thing was, is I just wanna be likable, relatable and I wanna be real. So I went in and that was my answer.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: However, in my heart, I had told everyone, okay I have a plan, I know I’d be a great Florida USA because of X, Y and Z. Well, if you don’t communicate that in your opportunity to do in your individual interview or your on-stage question, the judges don’t know that. You can’t make an assumption that people can read your mind. Like, she’d be a great Florida USA because she plans to do X, Y, Z, if you do not verbalize it. So there was a fear of messing up, there’s always a fear of misspeaking.

Captain Brien: Speaking of messing up, what was your talent? Did you have a talent?

Kelsey Craft: There was no talent in ours.

Captain Brien: Wait! There’s no talent competition?

Kelsey Craft: In the Miss America Pageant there’s the talent.

Captain Brien: So Miss USA no?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, Miss USA no talent.

Captain Brien: Miss USA all the talent goes to the swimsuit competition.

Kelsey Craft: Miss USA is 30% interview, you know, a third interview, a third swimsuit, a third evening gown, and then on-stage question.

Captain Brien: I was close then, I was close.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They mix it up. So te evening gown, how did you pick out your evening gown?

Kelsey Craft: Oh my gosh! Back in June I was in Rhode Island with a friend, she works at a gown store. It sounds so bizarre, but I was in Providence and I go, that’s a beautiful gown. I go, if I decide to do Florida USA that’s the gown I’m wearing.

Captain Brien: What color was it?

Kelsey Craft: It was blue.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Kelsey Craft: And they were like, oh okay. I said, can I try it on now so I know? And it was too expensive, so they were like, okay, you can’t try this on unless you’re planning on buying a gown from us.

Captain Brien: No way!

Kelsey Craft: So I go, well, that’s my gown if I compete and I didn’t even get to try it on. Well, they ended up having a sale and remembered me saying how much I love that gown, even just in the bag. And they were so serendipitous, they messaged me, this gown is going on sale and before we bring it to a trunk show we wanna offer it to you, so it’s 40% off.

Captain Brien: Really?

Kelsey Craft: And then it was my gown. Then this is in October.

Captain Brien: That was made for you. That’s why.

Kelsey Craft: I picked it out in June and it was still available in October 40% off, and I pride myself, I’m never buying anything full price and I was like, yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. I like to buy a deal too.

Kelsey Craft: You got yourself a deal.

Captain Brien: I get deals.

Kelsey Craft: It just made it that much prettier to know that it was cheap.

Captain Brien: 100%, I feel the same way. If I get a deal on suit, I’m loving that suit. It’s like, yeah!

Kelsey Craft: And this gown was so beautiful, but then I got upset when I lost weight and the gown was too big, one week before the pageant that I actually had an amazing alteration.

Captain Brien: Jocelyn says it was gorgeous.

Kelsey Craft: Aw, thank you Jocelyn, oh she’s so sweet. I know her from previous pageants. And so I got upset because I had lost weight, and so if you need alterations in Naples, First Class Alterations on 41, they’re awesome. They are awesome.

Captain Brien: Where are they?

Kelsey Craft: They’re on 41. Oh my gosh, and there’s also a jewelry store that I always go to, Beckner Jewelry.

Captain Brien: Is that right next to Jimmy P’s?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, my geography is terrible.

Captain Brien: Is it across from cheesecake factory?

Kelsey Craft: No, I don’t know. I’m representing Estero, not Naples, so Google Map First Class Alterations.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Kelsey Craft: ‘Cause they’re awesome. Tell them Kelsey sent you, they’re just so sweet. And they’ve done six of my gowns, and if I can trust them with my gowns you can trust them with your suits and your pants.

Captain Brien: Totally!

Kelsey Craft: And all that.

Captain Brien: Totally, yeah! I think I use them once in a while.

Kelsey Craft: They’re so great.

Captain Brien: If I remember where they are.

Kelsey Craft: Thinking about that, when you’re preparing for something that’s so big, one thing I’ve learned through competing and preparing for pageants is that people should not be getting in your way. Does that make sense? Like you think, I don’t have the time, I can’t call so and so, I can’t go see my friends. And you get so tunnel focused on what you’re doing that you don’t realize that there’s people around you that you actually need to help you. You know?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I needed a good alterations person. I needed an accountable trainer, I needed an interview practice coach.

Captain Brien: I thought I was doing that for you, the interviewing?

Kelsey Craft: I guess you could have.

Captain Brien: I guess that’s why you made so many Captain’s Log appearances.

Kelsey Craft: What would you have asked me if you were a judge on the pageant?

Captain Brien: Oh, if I was a judge.

Kelsey Craft: If you were a judge on the pageant what would you ask?

Captain Brien: Legit?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: If I was a judge I would say, good evening Kelsey, thank you for joining us tonight. We appreciate it, your gown is beautiful. I’d like to know what your views are on the world economy today.

Kelsey Craft: Wow! So would you consider that political or just economical?

Captain Brien: No, I’d say that’s just economical.

Kelsey Craft: Okay. Do you want me to answer?

Captain Brien: Yeah, maybe let’s play. Let’s play a little.

Captain Brien: Let’s play a game, okay. There’s definitely room for improvement in our economy right now. To be in debt nationwide, trillions of dollars is unacceptable. And we’re giving back to certain organizations and other countries before taking care of ourselves and making sure that we’re protected from a security standpoint, a military standpoint, and education.

Captain Brien: Knocked it out of the park. I would have said you killed it.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Captain Brien: Right?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, we shouldn’t be in debt.

Captain Brien: I agree 100%, it’s wild.

Kelsey Craft: There are some questions that–

Captain Brien: If we ran our business the way the government runs it, we’d all be out of it.

Kelsey Craft: We’d have 14,000 credit card.

Captain Brien: What would we do? Sorry, I had to–

Kelsey Craft: He’s not watching, why is he not watching?

Captain Brien: I don’t know what he’s doing.

Kelsey Craft: Why does he know you’re doing this?

Captain Brien: Unbelievable, I get no respect for my dad he’s not watching.

Kelsey Craft: But I joked about this with Dr. Dollar actually. We were at work and we were talking about questions that you can mentally be prepared for. And some of these questions that you’ll see online, people messing up their answers and stuff. I’m really sarcastic. So I think like, if I knew the answer to that question I would not be here, I’d be political office, vice president already.

Captain Brien: Right, exactly! I agree totally, I heard some of these questions, it’s like, who’s asking that question? Like, really where did you get that question? I feel the same way.

Kelsey Craft: So you have to remember if you’re ever watching a pageant on TV, if you watch the upcoming Miss Universe pageant, Miss USA, whatever it is, be gracious to the girls that are answering. Because it’s not necessarily I have this solution to all of the world problems. It’s how you conduct yourself under pressure, how do you speak, how are you relatable? How are you gonna deal when you get asked questions on the fly if were at an appearance representing this organization, and that’s more important.

Captain Brien: That’s exactly, I think, something you hit right on the head. Because, first of all, even if they give the world’s best question, answer to the question, what is someone gonna do? They’re not really gonna act on it right then and there. So it’s like, they just wanna know how you act under those circumstances of the pressure I think.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right? They’re not asking questions that you’re gonna solve. Are they?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t think so. I mean, maybe someone was watching and was like, good idea, let’s do that.

Captain Brien: That would be amazing, then it would be all worth it.

Kelsey Craft: What’s interesting is that Miss Naples was asked, her question I believe was something like, what would be a law, if you could create any law what would it be? And hers had something to do with balancing the budget. I don’t know how that’s a law.

Captain Brien: And she did good?

Kelsey Craft: I don’t know, I didn’t watch. ‘Cause when I say you gotta stay in your lane and you gotta be your best, it’s la-la-la, I’m not listening to what they’re saying.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because if you listen, what if they knocked it out of the park and you’re like, oh my God!

Kelsey Craft: You’re right.

Captain Brien: And you’re just dying, right, so much pressure.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: And I liked my first question when I was in top 15 better than my second question when I was in the top five. Because my top five question was, what’s your biggest flaw? But my top 15 question was, what do you wanna be remembered by? That’s the one that you watched online.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s the one I liked. You really did good with it.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you.

Captain Brien: And I liked the whole, the charisma that you delivered it with, it was amazing.

Kelsey Craft: I almost started crying on stage, you could see how transparent I was. They’re like, how are you today? And it’s not like, I’m so blessed to be here. I was like, holy smokes, I have 10 people in the audience and I’m freaking out.

Captain Brien: You were worried?

Kelsey Craft: No, it was really special.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft: I said I’ve never had that much support at one event.

Captain Brien: That’s right, you said that.

Kelsey Craft: That’s a very meaningful moment to just– And they were people that I have encountered, they were friends from previous pageants, friends from work.

Captain Brien: They came.

Kelsey Craft: People from Orlando, people from this coast.

Captain Brien: I didn’t get an invite. No invite for me guys.

Kelsey Craft: Everyone was invited.

Captain Brien:I didn’t get the invite, I woulda went.

Kelsey Craft: And I had people that were helping me prepare via Skype sessions, I was doing makeup lessons on my patio. My neighbor was like, I’d be playing music and I’d be practicing my makeup in the true natural light, ’cause I didn’t know how to do my makeup until like two weeks before the pageant. So shout out to Constantine ’cause he taught me everything I know.

Captain Brien: Should we piggy-back right behind this guy?

Kelsey Craft: Yeah, just follow him right through. And all of a sudden I hear my neighbor underneath my patio going, where’d the music go? So even my neighbor knew that I was preparing. And like when you have something that’s so important to you, you have to share it with the world. And I think that’s another lesson too. ‘Cause had I just gone in timid, people who go into something afraid to fail, or embarrassed they’re doing it, won’t have a good outcome.

Captain Brien: I agree.

Kelsey Craft: I was telling everybody, I’m competing for Miss Florida USA don’t let me eat the cookies from the farm wraps. My neighbor knew, my friends knew, my co-workers knew.

Captain Brien: It motivates you.

Kelsey Craft: Yeah. And it keeps you accountable.

Captain Brien: It does.

Kelsey Craft: And I think those things with the vision boards and setting goals is so important.

Captain Brien: Well, this was a pleasure. Thank you for dealing with all my jokes.

Kelsey Craft:  Just drop me off.

Captain Brien: I gotta get rid of her. This is it guys, with the Captain’s Log again. We’ve reached the final end here.

Kelsey Craft:  Let’s get you signed up to judge a local pageant.

Captain Brien: Oh, I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause you know what they do–

Captain Brien: I judged a chili competition once, is it the same?

Kelsey Craft:  No, that’s food tasting.

Captain Brien: Oh, damn.

Kelsey Craft:  You don’t get to do that.

Captain Brien: All right, well I’ll do it.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that we can get you signed up because what they do with the judges is they’re reputable people out in the community, business leaders, entrepreneurs.

Captain Brien: I would love that.

Kelsey Craft:  Motivational speakers, previous pageant contestants. But you’re involved in the community. So if we have a local pageant I think that–

Captain Brien: Can I go live and I’ll just video myself judging?

Kelsey Craft:  That’s weird. ‘Cause you’re obviously sitting there.

Captain Brien: Well, I don’t know, they might not want the whole pageant live.

Kelsey Craft:  I think that you can document your experience and how positive that it’s been.

Captain Brien: That would be awesome.

Kelsey Craft:  ‘Cause I think you should put positive pageantry on the map.

Captain Brien: I would love to do that.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Thank you so much.

Kelsey Craft:  You cannot sponsor it with your alcohol though.

Captain Brien: I can’t?

Kelsey Craft:  No.

Captain Brien: Damn it! All right, well, I’ll try. I’ll put it out there and see what they say and then they’ll say no and I’ll say, okay, we’ll sponsor it just with off the hook comedy.

Captain Brien:  Put my logo in the magazine.

Captain Brien: All right, thank you so much for joining me. And I know you just got off work and you’ve had a long day, so it’s been a pleasure.

Kelsey Craft: Thank you. And if people have questions they can–

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, tell them how they can get a hold of you.

Kelsey Craft:  Well, I think that my link is now on here. So if people are watching and they’re interested in their kids doing pageants

Captain Brien: Yes.

Kelsey Craft:  And they want an honest feedback, I’ve done different systems and have had a great experience. So if people wanna do that–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like coaching.

Kelsey Craft:  I can do that, too.

Captain Brien: Or mentoring.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Kelsey Craft:  Absolutely, I do that. I actually have a consulting company that I don’t share it too much, ’cause I’m busy. I’m happy to help in that regard. If you have local appearances that you want me at as Miss Estero or anything else I’m happy to do that. I’m actually going and hanging out with the girl scouts tonight. So even though the competition is over you still can do great things through that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it never ends.

Kelsey Craft:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Except this show ends.

Kelsey Craft:  This show ends.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’ll be live tomorrow.

Episode 211 The Captain’s Log with Medium Cindy Kaza and Captain Brien!

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Evidential medium Cindy Kaza takes a ride with Captain Brien! Cindy is here to discuss her upcoming show at Off The Hook Comedy Club and even uses her special talents on Captain Brien! Tune in to hear what she has to say about some of Captain Briens future! It’s crazy how spot on she is!!!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6pnpnpumws&t=298s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Cindy Kaza out and show her some love at:

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hey guys.

Cindy Kaza: What’s up?

Captain Brien: Cindy Kaza’s back, my favorite, my only psychic medium, who am I kidding.

Cindy Kaza: I better be, don’t cheat on me.

Captain Brien: It’s not like I have a whole bunch. I only can have one person get that technical into my background, you know what I mean.

Cindy Kaza: You know.

Captain Brien: Like its too much, it’s too much for me.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah I know, there’s a lot to see in there.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, it’s a lot, it’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: Too much. I still can’t figure this out, I am refreshing this,

Captain Brien:  Wait so there you go, so what’s up. That’s us right there.

Cindy Kaza: Oh it is, oops I’m sorry.

Cindy Kaza:  But I don’t know what weird thing is right there.

Cindy Kaza: See I don’t know what’s happening either. He needs to help, don’t smash into that car.

Captain Brien: I can’t, look that’s us.

Cindy Kaza: Oh wow, alright. So share that.

Captain Brien: There ya go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re good, you’re good.

Cindy Kaza: Let’s hit share. Share…

Captain Brien: So we’re back.

Cindy Kaza:  Share, copy link, or share?

Captain Brien: You can just share it.

Cindy Kaza: Write post?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, and good, hit it.

Cindy Kaza:  Post. Posted, alright, yeah.

Captain Brien:  Alright, now shut it off, ’cause everyone can hear us.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh good, alright now can I stop this?

Captain Brien: Yeah. It’s a good thing you psychic because we would see into the future of us potentially failing on that.

Cindy Kaza: Look, it takes a village, don’t make fun of me.

Captain Brien:  Right, right. So we’re just in Fort Myer’s, what a day, it’s a little chilly but it’s beautiful out, Right?

Cindy Kaza: It is nice and it’s not raining. It’s been raining like crazy here.

Captain Brien:  Yeah when did you here?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh see, I got here on Saturday.

Captain Brien: Oh, and you’re stayin in Bonita.

Cindy Kaza: I’m stayin in Bonita.

Captain Brien: And it’s raining and cold the whole time.

Cindy Kaza: Pretty much, yeah. Pretty much.

Captain Brien:  It was freezing, for Florida, especially.

Cindy Kaza: Yep.

Captain Brien: For other parts of the country, it’s kinda nice, probably, still.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien:  You don’t think at 47 and sunny in Boston right now, they’d probably, they’d want the Patriots to lose the Super Bowl to get a day like this.

Cindy Kaza:  Yep.

Captain Brien: They’d probably do that even.

Cindy Kaza: Oh hi Krystal.

Captain Brien: Hey Krystal, we’re tryin to get out of this sun, whoa, hey,

Cindy Kaza: Whoa

Captain Brien: This guy, this lady

Cindy Kaza: oh my God.

Captain Brien: right here’s just gonna pull right out.

Cindy Kaza: Hey that’s really funny, ‘member on the radio show, I as like, Krystal, K-R-Y-S-T-A-L. I was spelling it, and now the first person that’s saying hey, is Krystal.

Captain Brien: Oh, how cool is that.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah that’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: So do you love coming here, or do you just like that I put you up at the club all the time? What is it?

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here.

Captain Brien: You do, right.

Cindy Kaza: I love coming here, I have tons of friends in Flordia. I get to hang out with my friends, so yeah it’s pretty cool. Let’s see what does it say? Did you sense you were being watched in New Jersey? Everyone’s watching me.

Captain Brien: Yes, she can sense it. That’s my cousin, hey Glenn, what’s goin on?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  So no, it’s good, it’s very, I always say, when we’re here, it’s gotta be more laid back than other places that you go, I mean. No?

Cindy Kaza: I mean, yeah, it’s nice because when I come to Naples, I get to hang out for a few days, ’cause I do a couple shows, I get to spend time with my friends.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah. So yeah it’s not like city to city to city to city which I normally do.

Captain Brien: And do you prefer stayin in a hotel or do prefer stayin with your friends?

Cindy Kaza:  I like stayin with my friends.

Captain Brien:  Why?

Cindy Kaza: ‘Cause it’s fun to be around people, I mean people, I think people don’t realize that when you’re on the road, like all the time, it’s actually kinda lonely.

Captain Brien: It does get lonely, I agree.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it has to because what are you gonna do, like you have your phone, you have FaceTime, that helps, but that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, and then even though you’re performing, you’re doing events at night, I hate saying performing, ’cause it sounds like I have like an act.

Captain Brien: Right, where you have a show to put on.

Cindy Kaza:  But you do you’re event at night and you’re in front of all these people, but you’re not like interacting with them on a friendship level.

Captain Brien: correct.

Cindy Kaza:  Your just going to do your event and your going back to the hotel, sleeping, getting up, going to the airport, again and again, so it’s nice to have friends to spend time with, ya know.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And so there’s been exciting news, you have a new TV show that’s coming out in,

Cindy Kaza: I do.

Captain Brien: Will it come out in March, or will it just film in Mach?

Cindy Kaza:  No we start filming in March.

Captain Brien: Okay so it’s filming in March, which is awesome, and that’s with the Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: With the Travel Channel.

Captain Brien: How cool is that?

Cindy Kaza: Super exciting, yes.

Captain Brien:  And you’ve been telling me about it for a while, but the idea that it finally happened was thrilling, right? I mean, it’s gotta be.

Cindy Kaza: It’s thrilling. I mean, ya know, with Hollywood, you can have a pilot, I’ve had couple of pilots,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and then nothing happens, and then you’re like okay, here we go again, ya know.

Captain Brien: Of course.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s exciting that it’s happening.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: I’m very excited.

Cindy Kaza: We shot two pilots and they went nowhere.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: But you were just like, bam, right outta the box.

Cindy Kaza: No I wasn’t, I’ve had my first pilot in 2013.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s good, that’s good.

Cindy Kaza: So it’s been six years.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Six years.

Captain Brien: But were you out there pitching it, or did this one just come about?

Cindy Kaza:  Actually this one was a little bit different because I had a pilot in 2013, then I had a pilot last year that went away, and then there was this merger with networks, so when I signed to the new production company, you know, the executives at the Travel Channel knew me, so it happened a lot faster, I didn’t have to go through, like filming a whole pilot, and then waiting six months,

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza: and all that stuff, so that was nice.

Captain Brien: That’s cool.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  So that a good, like fast track of you.

Captain Brien: Little bit faster this time.

Captain Brien: Tell everyone how they can find you, if they don’t know already, they wanna go on your Instagram or Facebook, let ’em know.

Cindy Kaza: Oh thanks for lovin my sunglasses, thank you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  I know, red lips, red glasses.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s right.

Cindy Kaza:  You can find me at mediumcindykaza.com, and I’m really active on Instagram, so if you go to Medium Cindy Kaza or Cindy Kaza on Instagram, it’ll pop right up, I’ll keep everybody updated, my Facebook, Medium Cindy Kaza.

Captain Brien: And you’re always on the road?

Cindy Kaza:  I’m always on the road.

Captain Brien: Like you never stop?

Cindy Kaza:  I know it’s like, I feel like the last four years, but even last year, was the busiest year, I think, I mean I’m home like two days a month. You know, it’s nuts.

Captain Brien: Right.

Cindy Kaza:  It’s complete nuts.

Captain Brien: Which is not very much, holy cow.

Cindy Kaza: But I love my job, you know,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: it’s not even really a job. I feel so grateful to be able to do what I love.

Captain Brien: So do you wanna do a reading on me? I didn’t as you that.

Cindy Kaza: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: No come on, you need to. Don’t you think, everyone out there, what’d you think?

Cindy Kaza:  I did one on you before.

Captain Brien: But we stopped or somethin, it was short, what happened?

Captain Brien: There was stuff that we got into, that I liked, that I wanted to know more about.

Cindy Kaza: We’re we talking about your love life? But I already know about your love life now. Ew, should we go there?

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, wow. It’s probably gonna end quick if that’s the case, I don’t know. Like all the rest of ‘m.

Cindy Kaza: See Nancy says yes talk about his love life.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: Full disclosure, I already know who he’s dating, and I think it’s a good match.

Captain Brien: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Cindy Kaza: If he doesn’t screw it up, do screw it up dude.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s funny. So yeah, do somethin, do it, do it, come on, I’ll go with, do you wanna do a reading with me?

Cindy Kaza:  Uh yeah, I do a reading with you.

Captain Brien: Okay do it.

Cindy Kaza:  Are you open to whatever I say, that comes out.

Captain Brien: Sure, yeah, hello, I got my freaking, I did all kinds of stuff on this show, I think I can do that.

Cindy Kaza: Didn’t you get Botox on the show?

Captain Brien: I did.

Cindy Kaza:  We talked about that last time, your forehead looks very smooth, by the way.

Captain Brien:  It does?

Cindy Kaza:  Doesn’t his forehead look smooth?

Captain Brien: It looks good, alright. My eyes might need a little touch up though.

Cindy Kaza:  What the hell? Alright, I’m kidding, your relationship is ending really fast. No, I’m just joking.

Cindy Kaza: So I don’t know if I’m gonna do mediumship, I feel like I need to do psychic with you.

Captain Brien: Whatever you feel like.

Cindy Kaza: I do know some of things, I know who you’re dating, should I not, I shouldn’t say.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s just a casual

Cindy Kaza:  We’ll leave that.

Captain Brien: thing so you don’t have to, it’s probably not like a whole serious thing, so.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay I think it is, but okay,

Captain Brien: Oh my God, you know more than me.

Cindy Kaza: We’ll just take it there. And then I also, I know you have a new alcohol company.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And actually, I wanna talk about that first.

Captain brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So, we’re gonna do some psychic prediction stuff. People so the difference between psychic and mediumship is psychic is past, present, future, and mediumship is talking to people who have died. Okay so,

Captain Brien: yes.

Cindy Kaza: right now I’m gonna do psychic.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay. So with your alcohol company, so I’m gonna give you what I see, and actually I think you’re gonna like it, feels really positive, but I keep seeing a business partner coming in, like a second person coming on board.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: It feels like a woman who’s gonna do marketing or promoting, have you found her yet?

Captain Brien:  Not yet, no.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay so, but you have to be careful, everybody listening, okay, just so you can call him out on it if he doesn’t listen to my advice. I keep feeling like this woman’s gonna come in, and I keep seeing her wanting to partner up with you, ooh look six, six, six on that license plate, oh my God.

Captain Brien: That’s scary.

Cindy Kaza: And I keep feeling like you’re gonna have to make a decision, whether or not, you want to sign over a small percentage of your business. It feels like somebody’s coming in, saying I want, I don’t know 5% of sales, because I’m gonna take

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: this out and promote the crap out of it, it a wider area.

Captain Brien: Which is interesting, because you know I had to say, can I say somethin,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: why I think this is weird, of how much it relates right now, is because before I picked you up, I saw somebody on my phone who has a major PR business, in LA, and she’s like for the stars, and I’m like, yeah but I can’t afford to reach out to her. So, that’s so like relevant to what, right now, just happened, out of the clear blue, I happened to be looking at a contact for somebody else, you know how when you go through a phone, and like there’s, obviously it doesn’t just bring that one person up, it brings you to like, right, a bunch of options, and one of the girls, is like a huge PR agency, and I was like yeah, but I really can’t. So maybe I could offer a percentage, and that’s how I could bring them aboard.

Cindy Kaza: Right, so,

Captain Brien: Just this morning, before

Cindy Kaza: Hi five.

Captain Brien: Before I got my coffee.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, so I think that you just have to make sure that you’re paperwork is, you really read the fine print, ’cause there would be a contract, but then I keep seeing some connections to like football and around sports advertising as well.

Captain Brien: You are on fire. I literally just sent like five messages to all the sports bars this morning, for the Super Bowl and what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards to everybody’s bars, that sell my product and I’m gonna give them away. I haven’t even told anybody this. I just,

Cindy Kaza:  Now everyone knows. Now everyone knows, yeah.

Captain Brien: When you were in the car with me this morning, just before I picked you up, I was voice messaging all the business owners of the clubs, that are doin Super Bowl parties, and I’m like, hey I’m gonna buy $100 gift cards, and they have to buy Captain Brien Spirits, for the Super Bowl, and they can spend the money at the place.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, okay keep goin. ‘Cause that totally… Was dead on, and nobody would know that. Okay, I’m excited, keep goin, what else?

Cindy Kaza: That’s good,

Captain Brien:  Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Like, I feel really good things about,

Captain Brien:  ‘Cause if you tell me somethin bad, it’s also probably gonna happen, because all the good stuff already freakin happened.

Cindy Kaza:  you’re gonna kill us. He’s like swerving.

Captain Brien: That’s okay, I’m driving. Do you see in the future, my safe driving skills? I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my God, every time I get the car with this. Okay, so no that feels really positive, like your alcohol business feels really positive, so just make sure, with contracts, that you read the fine print and that you have a good attorney, so you understand what you’re signing.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, now the other part of the, okay so I know you have vodka, do you also have bourbon?

Captain Brien: I am working on a bourbon and I have a gin and a white rum,

Cindy Kaza:  The bourbon.

Captain Brien:  coming out.

Cindy Kaza: So the bourbon is the one that’s gonna take longer than you want it to, and I’ll tell you why, because you’re gonna try to add flavor to it, or make it like a special, like a, gosh…

Captain Brien: I just got, last night, the proof, of my first bourbon label.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, it’s gonna take a little while, right? But I feel like that’s gonna be something that you really, the packaging with that, is gonna be really cool, I seeing the bottles being unique, I see it being a little bit different, so just be patient on your bourbon, don’t rush it because otherwise you’re not going to like where it goes.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, ’cause I see like two different flavors. It’s almost like your gonna, does anybody make a bourbon with like a, like a berry flavor, or something that’s really weird, I’m seeing like berry bourbon.

Captain Brien:  That is weird because I’m working on it, a special one, with acai.

Cindy Kaza: Okay cool,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: so it’s berry bourbon.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy.

Cindy Kaza:  That’s what it is, I’m like is berry bourbon. Okay so that’ll be good.

Captain Brien: I don’t know if I should’ve told ’em my secret, but anyway.

Cindy Kaza: Oh whatever, it’s cool nobody’s gonna steal it, you get that patented, okay.

Captain Brien:  By the time you get to it, I should already have it out.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah, it’s gonna be good, it’s gonna be really good. Okay now lets go to your love life. I actually really think that, and I know who it is, I shall not say her name, on Facebook Live.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay. But I think she really likes you, I think it’s a really good match, it’s just gonna take time to really, the trust has to be there, and that’s on your end, and on her end,

Cindy Kaza: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: It’s both of you, okay.

Captain Brien:  Okay.

Cindy Kaza: So you don’t screw this up.

Captain Brien:  I don’t tend to screw ’em up all the time, but it seems like,

Cindy Kaza: No it’s because you really like her and you might try to it away because you like her. So don’t do that.

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay

Cindy Kaza: Don’t be flirting with other chicks at the bar, okay? Especially not blondes, I’ve seen you,

Captain Brien:  I don’t go to the bar, I sell the alcohol to the bar.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever, I see you like flirting with this blonde girl, and then you’re like… This is future,

Captain Brien:  Okay, okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza: I’m telling you, don’t do it dude.

Captain Brien: Who’s the blonde? You see in the future, me flirting with a blonde girl?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah and I feel like she’s,

Captain Brien: Is she hot?

Cindy Kaza: She’s hot.

Captain Brien: Really?

Cindy Kaza: Oh my gosh, you know what it is? I feel like she’s somebody that, you know when you have like people that go out and do promo’s of your alcohol?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: That’s what it is, it’s like a promo girl.

Cindy Kaza: Oh alright

Cindy Kaza: And you’re like flirting with her

Captain Brien:  and I have a few around.

Cindy Kaza: But then the girl that you really like, see’s this happening, and she gets really pissed at you, and it’s your fault dude, don’t even do it.

Captain Brien: Dude, yeah I can’t do that, gosh. But I have to have hot promo girls, ’cause I have a big promo coming up on the 30th.

Cindy Kaza: Well yeah, you do have to have hot promo girls, but I’m just sayin.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay, but I don’t flirt, I don’t ever flirt with girls or date girls that work for me or work with me, so I’m good there.

Cindy Kaza: Mm-hmm, okay, alright. So maybe it’s just that it comes across as looking like you’re flirting with her, so just be careful.

Captain Brien: Okay, I gotta be careful.

Cindy Kaza:  I keep seeing you in Las Vegas, as well, at like a trade show or some Vegas thing.

Captain Brien: You’re outta control. I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  High five dude, I don’t know any of this.

Captain Brien:  You serious? I’m going to Vegas Friday.

Cindy Kaza:  You are?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m leaving Friday, swear to God.

Cindy Kaza: Alright, have fun in Vegas.

Captain Brien: You had no idea I was going to Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: No, you’re gonna have fun.

Captain Brien: Of course you didn’t, ’cause I didn’t tell you we were going to Vegas, you read my mind, stop. Okay, so I can’t tell you, okay keep going.

Cindy Kaza: So I see you in Vegas, actually I see that being in the business, like it’s business and pleasure, not just having fun, but you’re gonna be networking there, so you need to be, make sure you don’t forget to bring your new business cards with you to hand out to some of the distribut, there’s like a little, gosh, it’s a small, okay it’s like a boutique bar. Do you work with speakeasy’s? Are you trying to get your alcohol into like tiny like,

Captain Brien:  I’m tryin to get it into anything and everything. Every place I freakin look at,

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien:  I wanna get it into.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah okay, so it’s interesting because I keep seeing, like it’s not in a casino, it’s like it feels, or maybe it is, but it feels like a secret bar, or like a speakeasy, or some, exclusive thing.

Captain Brien: Maybe it’s my favorite place, the hidden, no name pizza place. The hidden place, have you ever been there?

Cindy Kaza: No.

Captain Brien:  Oh my God, it’s outta control.

Cindy Kaza: What do they have a speakeasy in there?

Captain Brien: They have it at, I think it’s at the Bellagio or the Venetian, there’s a pizza place, it’s like one of the best pizza places ever, and there’s no name, no nothin, you like go by the back bathroom, and there’s literally like a New York pizza place.

Cindy Kaza: Ah, okay, okay, so it could be something like that because it’s weird how it, like feels like it’s a speakeasy or it’s a secret,

Captain Brien: And so it’s totally a secret, yeah that’s it.

Cindy Kaza: So make sure you have your business cards to bring in there.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, nevermind, I’m not sayin that, have you been had your physical this year yet?

Captain Brien: What’s that?

Cindy Kaza: Like your doctor physical?

Captain Brien: Oh have I had my physical, I thought you said have I been hydro physical. I’m like damn,

Cindy Kaza: Well that too.

Captain Brien: What is that, man I’ve got some future goin on. I have had a physical recently, yes I just recently had one ’cause,

Cindy Kaza: Did you have, can I spill the beans? What I’m seeing?

Captain Brien: What did I do?

Cindy Kaza: Do you have anything with your prostate? I’m not a doctor, so please, I’m not a doctor,

Captain Brien: No.

Cindy Kaza:  But anything with, did you have the prostate exam?

Captain Brien:  I didn’t, but actually, the doctor that somehow disappeared, that is no longer practicing in Naples, that I had to leave, that’s why I went to a new doctor, he was supposed to give me the old prostate exam, and when I went there, after being all stressed out about going to get one, he forgot that I was gonna get one. So I didn’t tell him that I needed one. I chickened out, and the next thing you know, his practice is gone, so I had to go to a new doctor. But the doctor told me that I was good, I had to wait for a few more years, I wasn’t really ready.

Cindy Kaza: Okay, alright, so maybe that’s why I’m seeing

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Like get the prostate exam.

Captain Brien: So my bung bung is good for a few more years.

Cindy Kaza:  I’m glad we cleared that up. So maybe I’m just picking up that you didn’t have it done. You missed your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: But good, I’m glad it’s all good.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I was stressed, I thought I had to go to get one, it was a whole thing, because they gave me, he told me I had to the doctor and get these pills or something, like they’re flush me out, I had to take two of them, so then I didn’t get those pills, I was like oh my God, I didn’t do the pill thing, ’cause I was already stressed about doin that. But when I got there, the guy totally forgot that I was supposed to go there for the, yeah. So it worked out good.

Cindy Kaza: Alright good. You just did a colon cleanse, no big deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s like, yeah. And then he’s like, I gotta take two, I’m like God, maybe I’m backed up extra, I don’t know. One didn’t do the trick, how does he know, he didn’t even check me yet. So I don’t know, that’s how it worked.

Cindy Kaza: Oh this seat warmers so hot all of a sudden. Oh my God you’re killing me.

Captain Brien:  I don’t have a seat warmer on, maybe that’s, that’s me. That’s you seeing me

Cindy Kaza:  I’m so hot.

Captain Brien:  and you in the future and getting hot, that’s what it is.

Cindy Kaza:  See, he’s flirting

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting.

Cindy Kaza:  And I’m working for him. He’s lying.

Captain Brien:  I’m not flirting. I’m not flirting, I’m just explaining what could possibly happen. I can see in the future. I can see the future.

Cindy Kaza: Oh my God what a hot mess.

Captain Brien:  Okay so what else? You’ve been right on like too much so far. Because I don’t know what you were thinking that you couldn’t say, because that’s probably true also. Damn.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, what else.

Captain Brien:  How did you know I was goin to Vegas? What gave you, no

Cindy Kaza: I didn’t, I just

Captain Brien: I need to know.

Cindy Kaza:  heard Las Vegas in my mind.

Captain Brien: No but how did you know in your mind that I was going to Las Vegas?

Cindy Kaza: Well that’s how psychic stuff works, you just like trust

Captain Brien: Right, but somebody

Cindy Kaza:  what you’re getting.

Captain Brien: needs to know like what came to you that said, Captain’s goin to Vegas.

Cindy Kaza:  Okay, so I’ll break down a reading for you, just to explain it a little.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Who’s saying hi here, let’s see. Oh somebody’s dying about your, we’re talking about your prostate exam.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Cindy Kaza:  So no, the way it works is like, okay so when I’m like tuning into you, I see images, which is clairvoyant, sometimes I hear things, but it’s not like you’re hearing me, it’s like if you were to like, it sounds like you’re talking to yourself. So I hear words, I’ll feel things,

Captain Brien: Okay.

Cindy Kaza: But with the Vegas thing, I kept seeing a sign, in my mind that said Las Vegas, so then I had a feeling you were going to Las Vegas, Right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  And then I kept being, seeing, I’m seeing a lot of pictures, so then I would see, what looked like a speakeasy, so I was like that’s why I’m seeing, or like a secret thing, right.

Captain Brien: Okay yeah, ’cause the no name pizza place is one of my favorite places in Las Vegas.

Cindy Kaza: Right okay, that makes sense, right.

Captain Brien: And it’s like a total, like, yeah there’s no, anything about the place that’s, it’s all secretive, and you just have to kinda know where it is.

Cindy Kaza:  Right, and then with the bourbon, that I didn’t see in my mind, what I was hearing was berry bourbon, berry bourbon, so that makes sense

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Cindy Kaza:  Because I didn’t know what kind of berry, but that’s what I was hearing, so it all kinda blends in and you just, as a psychic,

Captain Brien: And you coulda picked tequila, you coulda said anything, you had no idea that I was gonna say that I’m working on a bourbon.

Cindy Kaza: Right.

Captain Brien: And one of my high school best friends, is now the CEO of the largest importer of acai in the U.S.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The company, Sambazon

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so he is trying to get me to do acai berry,

Cindy Kaza: Bourbon.

Captain Brien: Bourbon.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, you should do it.

Captain Brien:  Yeah, you think it, like in the future, do you see a lot of money?

Cindy Kaza:  I feel like that one’s, like I said, it’s like a slower build.

Captain Brien: You’re supposed to say yes, I see huge,

Cindy Kaza: yes, you’re going to be rich, you’re gonna have

Cindy Kaza: Captain Brien: amazing dollars, yes.

Cindy Kaza:  Oh my, he’s still trying to kill me. This man is trying to kill me.

Captain Brien:  I just wanted you to make sure that you weren’t just totally focused on this reading, you had to make sure you knew what was aware around you.

Cindy Kaza: Whatever.

Captain Brien: You’re surroundings, you know what I’m saying?

Cindy Kaza: Yeah so, I think you should do berry bourbon, you’re gonna be successful, it’s gonna be good. Okay?

Captain Brien: Alright, we’ll look it. You know how they have those filters, the light filters? I did this one naturally, my lighting guy did this, this stream of light.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s like, for you, like wahhhh, the light is coming through,

Cindy Kaza:  Oh.

Captain Brien: You see ’em? Do you see the,

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah it looks nice, it looks really nice.

Captain Brien: It’s nice right? It’s technical, ya know, it’s how my people roll when they film, ya know, they wanna do a little, we’re not just gonna shoot, what do ya think this is, da da, ya know, ya know, the Discovery Channel or the Travel Channel? We’re above that, come on, it’s not like I don’t have a TV show on the freakin Travel Channel.

Cindy Kaza: You should.

Captain Brien: I know.

Cindy Kaza: Captain’s Log, it’s goin,

Captain Brien: Jeez, I tell ya.

Cindy Kaza: It’s goin live, it’s gonna be on a major network one day.

Captain Brien: It’s goin huge, yeah.

Cindy Kaza: Its goin huge. It’s goin huge.

Captain Brien:  It’s gonna blow up. It’s gonna blow up someday, we’re watchin.

Cindy Kaza:  Yeah, Captains la, nevermind, I was just gonna go la.

Captain Brien: Did you see my license plate, like to captains log now? I think, didn’t you tell me not to have captain L-O-L?

Cindy Kaza: No, but I was just tying it into our whole thing about your issue.

Captain Brien: Stop it, stop it. Okay we gotta go guys,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye guys.

Captain Brien: This is the Captain’s Log, we’re out, Cindy Kaza, go see her.

Cindy Kaza:  Hi Erin, love you too.

Captain Brien: Go see her live, she’s amazing, and literally, that reading that she just did, was totally off the cuff, and I didn’t even tell ya I was gonna do that.

Cindy Kaza:  No you didn’t.

Captain Brien: I just told you were goin live on the Captain’s Log.

Cindy Kaza: Yeah.

Captain Brien: The last time you did do a little reading, and the time before that, you’re like, I’m not reading you.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah, you didn’t read me.

Cindy Kaza: But I brought your grandpa through that time, ‘member?

Captain Brien: That was the last time.

Cindy Kaza: Oh.

Captain Brien: That was the only time. The time before that, you’re like, na I don’t wanna do a reading you, it’s too much.

Cindy Kaza: I did?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: You told me that.

Cindy Kaza:  Hmm, maybe ’cause I was seeing some things and I don’t know, who knows why.

Captain Brien: It’s probably you felt a connection, and you were scared.

Cindy Kaza:  I just was like, I really think I have feelings for you,

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think that’s what it was.

Cindy Kaza:  And I just, I have to, like, I can’t.

Captain Brien: And ya didn’t wanna face, face to face me.

Cindy Kaza:  I didn’t wanna…

Captain Brien: I get it, I get it, sometimes it happens, sometimes you gotta go with it. Guys we’re outta here, she’s getting too much,

Cindy Kaza:  Bye.

Captain Brien: Too much for me.

Episode 210 The Captain’s Log with Amy Hunter and Captain Brien Bring You Couples Therapy!

Comedy, Couples Therapy, Instagram, Live, Radio, Talkshow, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Everyone’s favorite Mom from The Outnumbered Mother by Amy Hunter on the #captainslog! Don’t miss out on her live show at #offthehookcomedyclub Wednesday, January 28th! She is now here to bring you couples therapy!

Watch Full Video —————>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRhbmKe-Ss

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

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PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back, live on The Captain’s Log. Amy Hunter and this is exciting cause we’re just a few days away from your live show.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited for live show.

Amy Hunter: Couples therapy?

Amy Hunter: Yes.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do some couples therapy? Tell me.

Amy Hunter: The last couple shows we did were really geared towards moms’ night out and my buddies who actually have penises were like we’re not being represented. I thought maybe you got trapped.

Captain Brien: I felt like I was freaking trapped, Jesus.

Amy Hunter: I went on a vacation with all of my friends on the internet last summer and we stayed in an AirBnB on this lake in Michigan. It was gorgeous, but there was like a bathroom downstairs with a pocket door and everyone kept getting trapped in the bathroom.

Amy Hunter: We kept texting each other like help, trapped in the bathroom and it’s embarrassing enough that it’s a bathroom but usually if you went down to the basement to go to the bathroom you were probably going number two.

Amy Hunter: So it’s just so embarrassing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re getting out of the way.

Amy Hunter: How emasculating. You’re like get me outta here.

Captain Brien: That’s pretty bad too.

Amy Hunter: It was so bad

Amy Hunter: I was like I can’t believe y’all are still my friends after this weekend. We got stuck in a bathroom. Then you’re questioning your IQ.

Amy Hunter: You’re like how long is it to get out of a room.

Captain Brien: Running the shower.

Captain Brien: Turning the radio on. Oh, I’m just listening to the radio on my phone.

Amy Hunter: You had to life the door up and like that.

Amy Hunter: It was not my best moment.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Amy Hunter: We’re all sharing the text messages from each other like help, it’s me.

Amy Hunter: I’m downstairs.

Captain Brien: So how often do you text when you’re using the bathroom?

Amy Hunter: You mean actually have conversations with people?

Captain Brien: Yeah, do you text a lot?

Amy Hunter: I scroll. I will scroll like nobody’s business and I’ll comment on things online. I mean I guess I do text sometimes. I don’t know. Not often am I texting. In general I’m not texting a lot.

Captain Brien: The other day I was texting somebody and then they called me and they’re like you sound like you’re in the bathroom and I’m like well that’s good cause I am.

Amy Hunter: I am.

Captain Brien: That’s the reason why I was texting you.

Amy Hunter: I was texting you.

Captain Brien: Why are you calling me?

Amy Hunter: I have a degree of friendships. If you’re a really really good friend I will answer the phone in the bathroom.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Amy Hunter: If you’re a very good friend if I have to pee I will not get off the phone with you.

Amy Hunter: And I will pee with you on the phone, but if you’re an acquaintance I won’t answer when you call.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Amy Hunter: If I’m in the potty, no. But also being a mom you don’t get alone time.

Captain Brien: Cause then you have to hit the mute when you flush.

Captain Brien: Right? And they’re like hey are you there? Yeah, I’m here.

Amy Hunter: I’m fine, totally.

Captain Brien: I just freaking ran in the other room after I flushed.

Amy Hunter:Totally. I couldn’t share with you what was going on.

Captain Brien: Hello, hello.

Amy Hunter: You couldn’t know at all.

Captain Brien: Moms do that, dads do it.

Amy Hunter: Dude. Well, you know I still have young kids so I haven’t been alone in the bathroom since 2005.

Amy Hunter: Right.

Captain Brien: They’re at the point now where if you actually close and lock the door they’ll just start shoving things like mom open this.

Amy Hunter: I’m like, what?

Captain Brien: Oh, they want you to do that right away?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I’m like you know you have a dad. He is here somewhere.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Amy Hunter: He has hands. My husband’s doing this new thing and I think that happens when you get a little bit older, is that he could fall asleep anywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Amy Hunter: He’s a narcoleptic.

Captain Brien: I’m the worst, I’m the opposite.

Amy Hunter: I can’t fall asleep.

Captain Brien: Fall asleep ever.

Amy Hunter: I have to take an Ambien.

Amy Hunter: Two Benadryls. Some over the counter thing and I’m still sitting there going oh, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher mom.

Amy Hunter: I can’t even fall asleep ever.

Captain Brien: Last night, I didn’t wanna take a Benadryl but I was having an allergy attack.

Amy Hunter: So it was totally productive.

Captain Brien: I’m not supposed to eat soy. Like an idiot I ate a teriyaki chicken rice bowl or something, it’s all soy.

Amy Hunter: The whole thing, right.

Amy Hunter: What’s the thing with soy are you allergic to it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m allergic to soy.

Amy Hunter: Oh, that’ll do it.

Captain Brien: Teriyaki sauce is made with soy sauce, right. It’s all soy. So like an idiot I ate it. All night I was suffering, sneezing. I’m like I’m not gonna take a Benadryl cause there’s no way I can wake up and go to the gym in the morning. After I take a Benadryl it kills me.

Amy Hunter: It really kicks your ass. It kills me.

Amy Hunter: Not me.

Captain Brien: No? You’re fine?

Amy Hunter: With an Ambien, and a Benadryl.

Captain Brien: And a Bendaryl?

Amy Hunter: And an over the counter sleep aid.

Captain Brien: Oh, you’re hardcore.

Amy Hunter: Dude, and I have to have headphones on with an Ambien app.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but you’re drinking coffee right now.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I started at six.

Amy Hunter: If I get six hours of sleep, it’s go time.

Captain Brien: You’re ready to go.

Amy Hunter: Dude, I would make the world’s worst hostage.

Captain Brien: Ever.

Amy Hunter: Dude!

Captain Brien: They would be giving you back?

Amy Hunter: Sleep deprived, I will tell you all the secrets.

Amy Hunter: I will tell you everything.

Amy Hunter: Let me spill.

Captain Brien: You just start right away?

Amy Hunter: After 24 hours of no sleep? Blah.

Captain Brien: Boop!

Amy Hunter: I’m like, state secrets.

Captain Brien: It comes out.

Amy Hunter: I’d be the shittiest CIA operative ever.

Amy Hunter: Every time I watch Homeland and they make the Clara Danes character look like the hottest mess ever I’m like nope, I’d be worse.

Captain Brien: My daughter would be the best.

Amy Hunter: Yeah? She has a poker face and stuff.

Captain Brien: When she was three you couldn’t get it out of her.

Amy Hunter: Woo.

Captain Brien: If you’re gonna rob a bank you take her.

Amy Hunter: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s like key, vault. Nothing’s coming out.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how I’d feel as a dad with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s tough. It’s tough. One time she drank cough syrup–

Captain Brien: When she was little, and she reeked of cough syrup. You’d notice now, right?

She’s wearing lipstick around her face. You didn’t touch the lipstick?

Captain Brien: She’s like nope, didn’t do it. Nope. I’m like Briana.

Captain Brien: You know that I can smell the cough syrup. Nope, never happened.

Amy Hunter: She’s taking it to the grave.

Captain Brien: Yeah. She still says she didn’t do it.

Amy Hunter: You know, I admire her commitment though.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: Because if you’re going to do it take it to the next level. You have to stick with the lie. You have to. Even my friend, someone I knew or something was cheating, he still to this day is like never happened. Never happened. She’s like you had her panties in your car!

Captain Brien: Of course.

Amy Hunter: No. You gotta commit to the lie.

Captain Brien: You just gotta keep going with it.

Amy Hunter: I’m not good. I’m not good at that kinda stuff.

Captain Brien: You give it up right away.

Amy Hunter: Well because I find the more lies you tell the better of a memory you have to have and I suck with that. I can’t remember your name 20 minutes after I met you. I’m like who? What?

Captain Brien: I think the good liars, and I know a few really good ones, they just believe it.

Amy Hunter: Yes. Oh yeah, because they’re sociopaths.

Captain Brien: They believe what they’re saying. I’m like that’s not how this happened!

Captain Brien: What are you talking about? But in their mind they’re clearly like no this is exactly what happened.

Amy Hunter: But I know it didn’t.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Amy Hunter: I was there.

Captain Brien: I was there. That’s nowhere near the way it worked.

Amy Hunter: It’s hard to argue with someone like that.

Captain Brien: It’s so hard. You can’t.

Amy Hunter: See I have a– It was recently pointed out to me I am argumentative. I did not know I was argumentative. I thought that I was just strong and

Amy Hunter: You know, a little, maybe high strung. Took an Uber the other night, downtown Naples to go out to eat. We get in the car. Of course I had to sit shotgun cause my friends hate other people. I don’t hate people. So we get this Uber driver, who’s a chick, and I was all into that because we never get chick Uber drivers. She has on a 90’s, 80’s station. I’m like oh, yes, love this song. It’s Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah!

Amy Hunter: We’re all dressed to go out.

Captain Brien: By the way he was my neighbor for a while.

Amy Hunter: Nice! Was he a nice guy?

Captain Brien: He never talked to me once. But he did wash his Mustang 5.0 convertible with his shirt off in the driveway.

Amy Hunter: Ooh, and that did something for you?

Captain Brien: No!

Amy Hunter: Oh.

Captain Brien: It was before Instagram. I should’ve taken a picture.

Amy Hunter: You should’ve. Robert Van Winkle whatever. So this lady, Ice Ice Baby’s on, and she goes yeah, I know. I like this song too. She goes it’s a shame that Billy Joel sued him, for the rights to that bassline. I’m like no, no Billy Joel didn’t sue him.

Amy Hunter: Right, I just got confused. It wasn’t Billy Joel. It was Queen and it was Bowie. She goes no, no. Hundred percent it was Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Wait, the Uber girl?

Amy Hunter: Uber girl!

Captain Brien: Oh! Jesus.

Amy Hunter: She decides to take on the Long Islander. We knew Billy Joel songs more than we know National fucking Anthem.

Amy Hunter: I mean honestly, you don’t question a Long Island girl with Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Amy Hunter: I can sing The Stranger, the entire album, front to back to you right now. Glass Houses, hi. I’m like no, no, no, no. I just start googling and my friends hate confrontation. They’re in the back seat like cringing.

Captain Brien: Wait were they like Amy’s doing it again?

Amy Hunter: No, when we got out of the car, of course I was freaking right and proved it. She was like oh I can’t believe you were right. I’m like don’t take on the master, homie, don’t. They’re like get out of the car, and the one friend goes you are kind of argumentative. I said but she was wrong!

Captain Brien: It wasn’t an argument. You just had the facts right.

Amy Hunter: That’s the thing. Opinion versus facts. They’re two separate things. The sky is blue. My eyes are green. Billy Joel did not sue Vanilla Ice.

Captain Brien: Vanilla, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Dude, don’t test me on a fact. I’ll cut you, obviously. Poor Uber lady. She gave me one star. She rated me.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Amy Hunter: Thanks a lot.

Captain Brien: I believe it. What kind of car was she driving?

Amy Hunter: It was a Honda, no big. I mean I haven’t really gotten an Uber situation where the car is really great, have you?

Captain Brien: No, but I do see that funny prank all the time and I keep watching it.

Amy Hunter: Which one?

Captain Brien: You haven’t seen the guy that picks everyone up in the Lambo? You haven’t seen it?

Amy Hunter: I have not seen that.

Captain Brien: Oh, it’s great! He’s like Uber! They’re like what? This is my Uber?

Captain Brien: He’s like yeah, Uber.

Captain Brien: Come on I got you, I got you.

Captain Brien: Then when they’re driving he says something to them like you want me to go really fast

Captain  Brien: Or really slow or something like that and everyone’s like go really fast. Then he pins them to the seat and they’re like oh my god!

Amy Hunter: Wait but Uber tells you what kind of car is coming for you.

Captain Brien: I don’t know maybe it says it like on there.

Amy Hunter: See, you have to be the most gullible human being just to get into anyone’s car.

Captain Brien: But he really is Ubering.

Amy Hunter: Oh, okay that’s different.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s really picking them up.

Amy Hunter: Okay, so it’s not a prank, he just has a Lambo.

Captain Brien: No, it’s their real Uber.

Amy Hunter: Okay, alright.

Captain Brien: He does it, you know it’s like a pranky kinda funny thing.

Amy Hunter: That’s funny.

Captain Brien: He doesn’t do it all the time.

Amy Hunter: Why would you do that to your Lambo?

Captain Brien: The guy that was the Uber driver was like alright. He’s getting a freaking Lambo.

Amy Hunter: That’s so funny. That’s good. I really need to look that up.

Captain Brien: It’s a good move.

Amy Hunter: Is it in town?

Amy Hunter: Cause I need to get up on that.

Captain Brien: No, no. It’s definitely not right here.

Amy Hunter: I’ll Uber everywhere just to maybe get the Lambo.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. No, no, no, it’s not. But you could go to Full Throttle Exotics. My buddy, Joe, will hook you up. You could get a Lambo anytime. On my budget, I am totally set for a Lambo. It’s a very practical car for children and car seats.

Captain Brien: Hey Kelsey, what’s going on?

Amy Hunter: Hi, how are you?

Captain Brien: Kelsey’s my box office manager. She’s saying hello to us.

Amy Hunter: Hi, and Marie.

Captain Brien: And Marie. Yes, yes.

Amy Hunter: Hey girl, hey.

Captain Brien: So we’re in Naples, Florida. We’re getting ready for Wednesday night’s show.

Amy Hunter: So excited.

Captain Brien: What time’s the show? 7 o’clock?

Amy Hunter: 7 o’clock.

Captain Brien: Who’s on the show?

Amy Hunter: I have four other amazing comics coming in.

Captain Brien: I should know this, why am I asking you?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you really should know this.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible.

Amy Hunter: I have Shannon Kelly from I think Tampa, and Aneeria’s coming in from Tampa, Neera Tourney. Who else is?

Captain Brien: Is Marie Annette on this one?

Amy Hunter: No, Marie Annette decided not to do this one cause she has a show up in Fort Myers going on.

Amy Hunter: Okay, good.

Amy Hunter: Who else was it? Oh my god, I’m forgetting. Nancy Francis.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, Nancy’s very funny.

Amy Hunter: Right, and I had to get her out of hiding to come back and do this show. She actually just auditioned for America’s Got Talent. So we’re waiting to hear.

Captain Brien: Good for her, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: She’ll know by Wednesday.

Captain Brien: That’s great, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m forgetting someone really good and I’m totally pissed–

Captain Brien: There is one more coming.

Amy Hunter: Cause she really made me laugh.

Captain Brien: And you host it.

Amy Hunter: I am hosting.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m doing the top end. It’s a great show.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: It’s just a really good vibe. It’s loose. It ends up being like a high school reunion of sorts. It’s like Amy, this is your life. Everybody comes out of the woodwork, and I love that. The only funny thing for me is every time I do a show with my hometown crowd, most comics take their set and they work on it for years. They take the same set, they work on it for years, and I can’t do the same set for a hometown crowd. So, it’s always a whole new thing.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: Some people don’t come thinking I’m doing the same set, and that’s not true. It’s always good.

Captain Brien: Well no, because this is about the couples, right?

Amy Hunter: Right. This is about marriage, relationships, it’s about lots of stuff. Parenting, family, being a gal. We could bitch about so much. A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking when I was on my way here, about how if a white girl had a signature drink, you know what it would be.

Captain Brien: What would it be?

Amy Hunter: It would be a vodka soda water.

Captain Brien: Yeah because there’s no cals, no calories.

Amy Hunter: Right, bartenders see me coming and they’re already pouring. It’s either that or a white claw. That’s our signature drink.

Captain Brien: Now you could drink Captain Brien’s because it’s sugar free.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited about the Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

Amy Hunter: Vodka and rum.

Captain Brien: And I have a white rum coming as well.

Amy Hunter: Now what’s the difference in taste between a white and a dark rum? Is there a difference?

Captain Brien: Yeah, well the dark rum that we have is barrel-aged and we infuse it with vanilla beans and tobacco leaves.

Amy Hunter: Ew.

Captain Brien: That has a little bit darker, more rich flavor. Especially smokey from the barrels, because the barrels are bourbon barrels.

Amy Hunter: This is all in my wheelhouse.

Captain Brien: Then the white is just really clean, organic, white rum that comes out with the gin. I have a gin, but I couldn’t do anything for like six weeks because of the government shutdown. It’s been in the system just pending. It just keeps saying still pending, still pending, still pending.

Amy Hunter: That was a messy 35 days. Everyone’s fine with it until it messes up your air travel.

Captain Brien: I heard today six billion dollars lost in the economy.

Amy Hunter: Yeah lost, you know that makes sense.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: That’s exactly the wall money.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Can we just slip it over there, there we go.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you know, it’s a pissing contest, gotta love it.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: The fact that it upset your apple cart–

Amy Hunter: That makes me really mad.

Captain Brien: I can’t do anything because everyday it just says–

Amy Hunter: Waiting, waiting.

Captain Brien: pending, pending, pending.

Amy Hunter: Now it’s over and you’ve got three weeks to get your shit together before it comes again.

Captain Brien: I heard that they’re six months behind now.

Captain Brien: Which is weird. How can you be six weeks of work and that puts you six months behind?

Amy Hunter: Bad logged, I don’t know how that works but someone’s doing a slow thing at their job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Amy Hunter: You’re talking about with your booze.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’re saying that the approvals.

Amy Hunter: Oh, they’re talking about federal government approvals?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Well you knew how the federal government works. This surprises you?

Captain Brien: Yeah because the ATF, the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has to give the final signature sign off–

Amy Hunter: Makes sense.

Captain Brien: On the product before they put it on the shelf.

Amy Hunter: I worked for the government at one point.

Captain Brien: You did?

Amy Hunter: I worked for DCF.

Captain Brien: What’d you do? Oh, DCF.

Amy Hunter: Mhmm, and they are slow.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are.

Amy Hunter: Everything is very slow. You’re watching the wheels just spin, like a gerbil, on them. It was not a good job.

Captain Brien: You can’t fire it up, speed up? How do you not speed things up? I just don’t understand.

Amy Hunter: I couldn’t personally do it.

Captain Brien: Why?

Amy Hunter: I had 60 to 75 kids on my caseload at any one given time.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Right, and that’s everyone in the system, and I was in foster care so I had to go and make sure they were okay. Well let’s say driving time and visit time takes you an hour per kid. Working a full work week of 40 hours a week, you do the math. Can’t get to everyone.

Captain Brien: So what happens?

Amy Hunter: They fall through the cracks.

Captain Brien: They do?

Amy Hunter: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s so sad though.

Amy Hunter: It was a very sad job, and I didn’t have children yet. I would get in my office and cry. My boss would come and knock on the–

Captain Brien: Are they pushing though? Are they really pushing or are they chill?

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how the system is now.

Captain Brien: How were they? Were they like we gotta do this today?

Amy Hunter: There are state mandated things. If a kid’s in a certain status you have to go see them at this time. Cause they are the most threatened, the most in a situation that’s terrible. But there’s so many fake calls like divorce proceedings and people are like oh I found a bruise on my kid’s bottom. Come on, that’s not a real thing. Stop fighting and get your shit together.

Captain Brien: So then you’d have to go.

Amy Hunter: And make it through the whole system when it’s not a huge, real problem. Does the kid have welts on his face? Have you lit him on fire?

Amy Hunter: There were kids that were really messed up.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: It was a terrible, terrible time.

Captain Brien: That’s so sad, that is sad.

Amy Hunter: All I ever wanted to do work with students. I was like how did I get here.

Captain Brien: So you studied what in college?

Amy Hunter: I was secondary english education major.

Captain Brien: I have no idea what that means.

Amy Hunter: That means I can teach school. In a high school or a middle school level.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: I can do nothing else. I also know the proper way to conjugate the word there.

Captain Brien: Wait you can’t do anything else because?

Amy Hunter: I’m just kidding.

Captain Brien: I don’t, I don’t. I’m very bad at that. There, they’re, what else is there?

Amy Hunter: To, too, and two.

Captain Brien: Terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at those.

Amy Hunter: I think most people walking around are terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I think so too but everyone wants to point it out.

Amy Hunter: Especially on the internet.

Captain Brien: They so do.

Amy Hunter: Cause if you say something stupid on the internet I’ll just come in and go there.

Captain Brien: Well that’s me. I do it probably half the time. But you know what, I don’t point out what you do everyday.

Captain Brien: For real.

Amy Hunter: It’s so easy though. It’s like the ultimate shutdown. I think that forever people have been screwing up those conjugations, but because now everyone’s typing on the internet, you’re just seeing it now. I don’t think this is new.

Captain Brien: When you dictate it, is it right?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: When you text to talk?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: I just go with it.

Amy Hunter: I don’t use text to talk a lot.

Captain Brien: You don’t?

Amy Hunter: No because then I’m asking my husband to pick up milk and now it’s asking him to pick up a stripper and it’s very convoluted. He thinks he needs a breastfeeding mother at home. He’s like milk from a boobie?

Captain Brien: What is this?

Captain Brien: Milk in a movie, you’re like hey!

Amy Hunter: Most problems in any relationship are due to bad communication. You misunderstood what they meant.

Captain Brien: When you get home, do you talk about the whole day?

Amy Hunter: My husband and I? We take a 20 minute, we attempt.

Captain Brien: Wait, you literally have times?

Amy Hunter: No. We try.

Captain Brien: Really?

Amy Hunter: Then the kids are like Daddy, Daddy.

Captain Brien: I wondered why I failed.

Amy Hunter: He’s like can I just have a minute with Mom?

Amy Hunter: Well we actually kind of sometimes like each other, you know what I’m saying?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Believe you me, there are sometimes that he looks at me with disdain.

Amy Hunter: He’s just like mhmm, yeah, okay, great day. I was telling him the other day about going to the auto parts store and he was like really?

Captain Brien: What’d you go to the auto parts store for?

Amy Hunter: This is funny. So I needed new windshield wipers, but of course like a normal woman I waited until it was pissing raining to actually go.

Captain Brien: Of course and you’re like damn I can’t see.

Amy Hunter: Everyday I’m like I need new windshield wipers. Then it’s torrential downpour and I’m like oh, shit.

Amy Hunter: Shit just got real. I go to the advanced auto parts store. I get in there, and I am a moron in there. I don’t know what I’m doing. For men it’s like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was like a scene from Clerks. This guy’s behind the counter, it’s all dusty and gross, I had just come from the gym. I’m like hi, I need new windshield wipers. He’s like okay. I’m like when it goes upward you can’t see. He’s like yeah I’m not a doctor.

Amy Hunter: He’s like what kind of car, I tell him. He’s like what’s the make, what’s the model, what’s the year? I’m like I don’t know the year. He’s like really? I had to go run out in the rain, come back in, whole deal.

Captain Brien: Wait, you did it?

Amy Hunter: I had to go out and find out.

Captain Brien: You had to read the VIN number?

Amy Hunter: No, I just looked at my insurance thing.

Captain Brien: Oh okay.

Amy Hunter: So I get back in and he looks it up. I’m like you don’t just know this by heart? This is all you do. So now I’m judging him, he’s upset.

Captain Brien: Of course, right away.

Amy Hunter: Right away, bam.

Captain Brien: You’re not confrontational though.

Amy Hunter: No, I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien:No, you’re not argumentative.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.

Captain Brien: No, no this is him, he should’ve totally known every make and model.

Amy Hunter: No smile, no smile, and I’m all doo, doo doo. So he goes okay, they’re size 26 and a size 18. He goes you know, they’re not the same size. I’m like oh like boobs. Just like that. This poor guy. He keeps having a #metoo moment. I literally sexually harassed him in the workplace.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you did.

Amy Hunter: He had this face on that was like either this is an episode of Undercover Boss–

Captain Brien: Right. I’m not supposed to say a damn thing.

Amy Hunter: He didn’t say a damn thing. I was like I’m sorry I made it awkward. I’m just gonna go over here and get my windshield wipers and get outta here.

Captain Brien:He didn’t put them on.

Amy Hunter: Well that’s the other thing. There are signs everywhere that says free installation, free installation, free installation.

Captain Brien: Right, but he didn’t offer.

Amy Hunter: He did not offer and I’m standing there and I’m like hey how do I put these on in the store.

Captain Brien: Oh get outta here!

Amy Hunter: Because I really was gonna do it myself and he’s like well, I guess I can do it. I’m like it is raining, I get it. So he comes out, starts doing it, and he wants to get away from me as fast as possible. He is over me. I got my umbrella and I put it over his head and he was surprised that I’m actually nice. I’m like but you have to work all day. I’m not gonna make you be all wet. I can go home and change. He’s like that was actually very nice. I’m like I swear I’m not a sexual predator.

Captain Brien: Boobs are uneven. They’re not the same size.

Captain Brien: This is true. So wait, there’s two separate sizes?

Amy Hunter: Mm, usually left is bigger.

Captain Brien: No not the boobs the windshield wipers!

Amy Hunter: Yes, of course! Put your windshield wipers up, they’re different sizes, it depends on the car.

Captain Brien: Why is the left bigger than the right?

Amy Hunter: In general on boobs?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Cause it’s over your heart.

Captain Brien: Awh.

Amy Hunter: And most people are righties. So you’re using this muscle more. I might be wrong on that part.

Captain Brien: I think you made that up.

Amy Hunter: I think the heart thing’s right.

Amy Hunter: Cause we talked about this.

Captain Brien: Well we learned something new today, guys. See on The Captain’s Log, its amazing.

Amy Hunter: I wanna hear what y’all say. Is it just my boobs? Cause if it’s my boobs I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, your left is bigger than the right.

Amy Hunter: I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien: Not at all.

Amy Hunter: I’m just proving I’m not right now.

Captain Brien: What do you do just pull the strap up more on the right?

Amy Hunter: No, just one hangs out a little bit more.

Captain Brien: Oh, alright.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: That would be a great business. A bra that you can have two separate size cups.

Captain Brien: It could be a little dialer. You could dial it.

Amy Hunter: Such a man thing.

Captain Brien: You know how they dial it?

Amy Hunter: Like a Nike pump shoe?

Captain Brien: Yeah, when you dial it could get smaller and you could dial and open it up. Then you just put it right on.

Amy Hunter: Would you have a dial where your nipple is?

Captain Brien: No they could be two pieces of material and they dial like this, like that.

Amy Hunter: Such a man. Oh my god, I love you, B, but–

Captain Brien: Like this and like that.

Amy Hunter: Like this? Do you mean in the middle like a dial?

Captain Brien: No, on the cup.

Amy Hunter: You tell me when this comes out, ill try it.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna come up with it.

Amy Hunter: You show me when.

Captain Brien: It’s a million dollar idea. I’m giving it away. It’s freaking ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Everyone’s gonna copy it.

Amy Hunter: I told you that I had a great idea for a bra. It was called the Brocket, and it has a pocket in there for your phone. Someone already made it, but it’s not called the Brocket. That’s on me. I’m told I’m not supposed to put my phone in my bra. Its like bad for boobs.

Captain Brien: Did you get royalties on the Brocket?

Amy Hunter: I did not. Someone had already made it.

Captain Brien: Oh, dammit.

Amy Hunter: I know, I was really pissed.

Captain Brien: You got a little late to the party.

Amy Hunter: I started doing my due diligence. Looking it up, patenting the whole thing, trademark, and it was already there.

Captain Brien: Damn.

Amy Hunter: But they’re probably getting sued cause bras and phones don’t mix.

Captain Brien: What happens if you get one of those phones that overheats? Burns you right the hell off. Gone.

Amy Hunter: Dude. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

Captain Brien: That’s it.

Amy Hunter: Fire nipple, no. I’m good. I already have enough things. I don’t need that.

Captain Brien: It’s like hot milk.

Captain Brien: Hot boob?

Captain Brien: Hot milk. Hot milk. I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Alright, guys. We gotta go.

Amy Hunter: Brien’s killing me. It just got a little real.

Captain Brien: We gotta get outta here. See you later.

Amy Hunter: Bye, see you on Wednesday!

Captain Brien: Watch us tomorrow, come see Amy-

Captain Brien: Out the Hook, Wednesday, later.

Episode 209 The Captain’s Log with Craig Shoemaker

Comedy, Live, lovemaster, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Emmy winner Craig Shoemaker joins Captain Brien on today’s ride where they discuss last year’s Superbowl bet, Philadelphia’s delicacy “scrapple,” Craig’s Shoemakers sons viral video, and of course the Lovemaster makes an appearance! Tune in to hear!

Watch full video at — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJMZ8YA54gY&t=21s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Craig Shoemaker out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome aboard the Captain’s Log, guys. Oh god, look at that zit right there, what is that thing? That’s a big one. Yeah, I just noticed that. Not a good look. We’re live, my gosh. Anyway, Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster’s with me today and we just finished up on 105.5 The Beat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes.

Captain Brien: And we’re gonna be–

Craig Shoemaker: How do I do this here?

Captain Brien: I’ll show ya. My daughter, she’ll do it 25 times. Watch, she’ll call me 25 times.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m on the information super cul-de-sac here,

Captain Brien: And, yeah, we’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it. Look at us, right there.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, look at that! Okay, so now I share it on my page.

Captain Brien: Yeah, there you go.

Craig Shoemaker: So people can watch.

Captain Brien: And you’re good.

Craig Shoemaker: On the Craig Shoemaker.

Captain Brien: And we’re in

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, there we go.

Captain Brien: You’re live, baby. So, we just left 105.5 The Beat, we’re in Fort Myers, it’s raining today.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yes, this is ruining my golf game. I don’t know why I golf, I play in these celebrity things, I got a trophy for closest to the car.

Captain Brien: How is your golf game? Come on, how’s your golf game?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not that good, I don’t have the head for it. There’s something wrong with me. Plus, I’m very scattered, I have four kids, I can’t meditate. Every time I meditate, I’m thinking, oh, I gotta pick my daughter up from pre-school! There’s something always on your mind.

Craig Shoemaker: As a matter of fact, you’re getting bothered by your daughter’s

Captain Brien: Yeah, my daughter. It’s her birthday though, I can’t knock it, she turns 12 today.

Craig Shoemaker: Okay, we’ll forgive her.

Captain Brien: So she’s all fired up. She needs me to pick her up at noon, did you ever hear of such a thing? You can’t stay a whole day of school ’cause it’s her birthday. Yeah, this is new to me, too. Believe me. I don’t know. I fell for it this year.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s not a real thing?

Captain Brien: I don’t think so.

Craig Shoemaker: You don’t bother checking with the school. It’s amazing what we believe from our kids.

Captain Brien: I don’t think it’s a thing. I just think my daughter conned me into pickin’ her up at noon today to get–

Craig Shoemaker: My son says, I said, “it’s finals week,” he goes, “We don’t study.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I guess it’s a new thing, “We don’t study for finals anymore.”

Captain Brien: Right. Yeah, they don’t do homework, that’s the other thing. “We don’t have homework during finals week.” I go, “Well don’t you have to study for the test?” “No study, no, we did everything in class.”

Craig Shoemaker: And then we have evidence too. You can go online now and see what they’re not doing. And then they have an excuse for that, too.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: They go, “Oh no, it’s a special program that I’m in.” It’s called the F program.

Captain Brien: That’s a classic. I love that they teach ’em that when it’s the busiest time of the week, the end, during the finals, they don’t have to do anything at home for it. Just like in real life, right? When you have a big show, you don’t prepare. You just walk right up there and do it.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, but they just think we’re a bunch of idiots. By the way, am I supposed to be nervous here? You’re on a show, while you’re driving, although it looks like I’m driving ’cause it looks like we’re in England on this thing.

Captain Brien: No, it’s the right way.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, is this the right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to them it’s the right way. When I don’t flip it, it’s the wrong way and they tell me the whole time, “You’re goin’ “the wrong–what kind of car is that?” “You’re on the wrong side of the road.”

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, during a tropical storm. What’s it called? Inda, Indra?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s a good name because there are very few Indras out there.

Craig Shoemaker: I feel so sorry, my friend’s daughter name is Katrina.

Captain Brien: Oh no!

Craig Shoemaker: So for the rest of her life, no one’s gonna wanna date her. I’m not datin’ that storm!

Captain Brien: Exactly, yeah, that’s a freakin’ disaster, catastrophe.

Craig Shoemaker: They should have names that you would never, you’re never gonna meet like an Adolf. There’s not a lot of Adolfs out there. Call a tropical storm, or Shmeggeggy.

Captain Brien: Right

Craig Shoemaker: There’s cyclone Shmeggeggy is comin’ this way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that would really suck if it was your name that was taken down by a storm.

Craig Shoemaker: Irma. Not a lot of Irmas out there.

Craig Shoemaker: Not a lot.You can get away with that one. Maybe that is what they’re doing now, they’re coming up with names that you wouldn’t really–

Captain Brien: They use the alphabet, right?

Craig Shoemaker: They do.

Captain Brien: And then they go around, that’s how they do it.

Craig Shoemaker: I haven’t seen a Craig yet.

Captain Brien: Ooh, Craig’s gonna be rough.

Craig Shoemaker: But, they should have one called the Lovemaster.

Captain Brien: Yeah, what kinda storm is that gonna be?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, baby. I’ll get you so wet they’ll have to call FEMA.

Captain Brien: You’ll be flooded.

Craig Shoemaker: You better get a wide angle, right there, baby. Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: For the Lovemaster?

Craig Shoemaker: For the Lovemaster baby.

Captain Brien: We look good today, it’s the lighting, the technical guy did a good job, didn’t he?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, God.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s his natural lighting here.

Captain Brien: Looks good, you look sexy, that beard.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, I wore the hat though, ’cause you picked me up so early.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been at it too. We’ve been at this for all morning!

Captain Brien: All morning.

Craig Shoemaker: Brought me a breakfast sandwich though.

Captain Brien: That was nice of me.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re like “that was nice of me.”

Captain Brien: It was!

Craig Shoemaker: I have to give you credit for being nice. And you did not renege on a bet last year. My Eagles against your Patriots. You send me a whole cooler filled with lobster rolls.

Captain Brien: That was a losing bet no matter how I looked at it. Even if I won–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, me sending you scrapples is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah, me getting chucked meat and a sandwich.

Craig Shoemaker: You ever heard of scrapple?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I have.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you that.

Captain Brien: What’s scrapple?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s–you gotta go.

Captain Brien: I gotta drive, I gotta drive. You got so interested in scrapple, I almost lost my concentration.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s called scrapple. Now, do you trust anything with the word “crap” sitting right in the middle of the word?

Captain Brien: No.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s one vowel away from scrap pile and that’s what it is.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how they make sausage? It’s what’s left over on the floor. So it’s a scrap pile.

Captain Brien: You’re shittin’ me.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s a pile, and they put it into a mold, and Philadelphians go, “Ah, just put ketchup on it, “it’ll put hair on your chest.” Well thanks for the health tip, Sasquatch.

Captain Brien: Wait, it’s the uncased sausage?

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, it’s the ingredients and it’s the snouts and all that stuff.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not very appetizing anymore.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: But we love it in Philadelphia, it’s a mold.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send that to you if the Patriots beat the Eagles last year. Fortunately for you and your digestive system, you did not win the bet, but I sure loved it.

Captain Brien: Then I would have really been pissed, ’cause I wanted a real Philly cheesesteak. I wasn’t gonna get one?

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you scrapple.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: No, I would’ve sent you cheesesteaks. I don’t know if they travel well.

Captain Brien: And I’m thinking, this guy’s gonna send me a cheeseteak for $50, and I’m spending $500 on lobsters. How the hell could I have lost that-

Craig Shoemaker: Was is $500?

Captain Brien: Dude, by the time you pay for everything it was like, it was a good $350 I’m not kidding.

Craig Shoemaker: I wanna bet you more often.

Captain Brien: It sent me back $350.

Craig Shoemaker: I would’ve had some guy make you a cheesesteak and bring it over to you.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Some guy in the Florida area here.

Captain Brien: I love a cheesesteak though, it’s one of my favs. How do you do your cheesesteak?

Craig Shoemaker: I do whiz, you gotta do the whiz.

Captain Brien: Is it, so–okay.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ll never forget Jay Leno, he used to go, “Whiz? Just how much whiz is in your cheese whiz?” I don’t know how much whiz is in it but it’s delicious. My females that I grew up with will not do the whiz. They were like, “that’s not real cheese.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, I want American cheese, but that’s not a tradition.

Craig Shoemaker: And then you put sauce, which you, an Italian you would say gravy, red gravy

Captain Brien: Wait, in Philly they put that on there?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, sauce in it and grilled onions.

Captain Brien: I love that, I didn’t know that was a real thing.

Craig Shoemaker: No yeah, it’s like a pizza steak.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah you put pizza sauce on the cheesesteak.

Captain Brien: Really?

Craig Shoemaker: But you go with the scrapple. I don’t know what kind of meat they used but I dropped it on my lap and it started humping my leg.

Captain Brien: Wait, you can get scrapple at the cheesesteak place?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, a lot of places, yeah. It’s a Philadelphia tradition, it’s a breakfast food.

Captain Brien: Oh, so–And what’s the best–

Craig Shoemaker: What’s the tradition here in Naples? What kind of breakfast do you eat?

Captain Brien: Everyone wants grouper. For breakfast, I don’t think we have a–

Craig Shoemaker: It has to be something soft, there’s a lot of old people here. The audience last night, the average age was on oxygen.

Captain Brien: You know what–

Craig Shoemaker: I had one guy, literally, I’m not kidding you, the entire show, why do you put someone in the front row who has a gape mouth the entire time?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: I thought he literally was going to die.

Captain Brien: It was a Jewish federation, they have a place upstairs, and they started out with 40 people, and they went to like 150 people. You know that it’s not a young organization.

Craig Shoemaker: No.

Captain Brien: I assume it’s very old. But you’ll see tonight, it’s a young crowd.

Craig Shoemaker: Tonight’s the young crowd?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it won’t be like that.

Craig Shoemaker: That means they’re like 70.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’ll be in their 60’s.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s the young crowd.

Captain Brien: No, no, it’s not like that.

Craig Shoemaker: I mentioned social media last night, I said, “Oh no, forget it.” Just send me a postcard.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s a Wednesday night with that crowd in there, I mean come on. It’s not gonna resonate too well. They think social media is them reading the newspaper when it’s delivered.

Craig Shoemaker: While they’re playing mahjong.

Captain Brien: Right. We’re being very social, yes.

Craig Shoemaker: My son, he’s into that “snatch chat.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, right?

Craig Shoemaker: That’s all he does all the time.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing though, I use it, I use it.

Craig Shoemaker: I didn’t, that’s the one I will not do.

Captain Brien: Why, because you gotta be quick?

Craig Shoemaker: I tried it for like–well because I’m– Whoa stop, stop, stop, oh my God.

Captain Brien: Hey, the car’s automatic. Look, look.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, no way?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it does everything.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, that would’ve stopped anyway? As you were ramming into that guy’s ass?

Captain Brien: Yeah, absolutely. Right in his butt hole.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s an idiot, by the way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, look at him, he went to the other guy. He had to cut over, to cut over, to cut over.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my god, he’s a tailgater, during a storm, and he has a piece of shit car. We should show people this car.

Captain Brien: Go tell him, go tell him.

Craig Shoemaker: What is that box that he’s driving? It drives like that?

Captain Brien: It’s terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Cut us off.

Captain Brien: Its terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Alright, so back to the funny.

Captain Brien: So back to your son doing Snapchat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes! I call it “snatch chat,” because when it first started, I saw a lot of disappearing vaginas.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I was trying to admonish him at the same time, I’m going “whoa, whoa, whoa.”

Captain Brien: Maybe I should follow his account, I’m very intrigued now.

Craig Shoemaker: He FaceTimed me from… from Europe. He was there for his graduation. Three and a half weeks! What’d you do when you graduated? I was in the Jersey Shore for a night, slept under a car, and this kid’s in Europe.

Captain Brien: When I graduated college, I had chicken pox the day after. So bad that I literally was in bed for like 14 days.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: It was brutal.

Craig Shoemaker: Who gets chicken pox at 17, 18 years old?

Captain Brien: That was college, when I graduated college. I was 21, and it was so bad.

Craig Shoemaker: High school though, what’d you do for high school? You didn’t do anything, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, I didn’t do nothing.

Craig Shoemaker: Three and a half weeks with his friends.

Captain Brien: I probably played baseball the next day.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s FaceTiming me, he said, “What’s up, dad? “I’m in a nude beach in France.” I’m going, “Move your fuckin’ head!”

Captain Brien: Right!

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what I paid for!

Captain Brien: You’re taking up the whole screen.

Craig Shoemaker: I see that head all the time, he’s got this big head getting in the way. I wanna see some Francé!

Captain Brien: Flip the camera around!

Craig Shoemaker: Francé titty.

Captain Brien: Don’t they know you’re talking to the Lovemaster on the other line, baby?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: Geez.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s the new Lovemaster, my son.

Captain Brien: He is, right? So he had a viral video.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, I sent him to… Like an idiot, I fly him to Philadelphia ’cause I didn’t wanna go– I can’t celebrate like I used to.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Who cares? So I send the kid in to Philadelphia when they won the Super Bowl. Next thing I know, a viral video of him upside down doing a keg stand in his Eagle’s jersey.

Captain Brien: And he wasn’t 21?

Craig Shoemaker: No. With a guy with a joint in his lips holding him up, with some woman in the background with a Philadelphia accent going, “Justin from California, bitches!”

Captain Brien: A proud moment Daddy had.

Captain Brien: And it went viral, yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, good Lord.

Captain Brien: He got a lot for it, right? A lot of views.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, and meanwhile I’m writing jokes and have real talent, and this kid does a keg stand in Philadelphia during a Super Bowl party, and gets more views than I ever have for my hour and a half Daditude special.

Captain Brien: Right, right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Can’t do things long anymore.

Captain Brien: No it’s all short–

Craig Shoemaker: I feel sorry for women these days.

Craig Shoemaker: There’s no foreplay. What about foreplay? I was always instructed that that was what women wanted.

Captain Brien: I think they want, they want jokes. Maybe they don’t.

Craig Shoemaker: They say a sense of humor, that is a bunch of crap. They’re never in the front row throwing panties at me at the comedy show.

Captain Brien: This is true.

Craig Shoemaker: Tell another joke, comedy boy.

Captain Brien: Yeah they don’t come to the door and say “I’ll trade you for tickets, my panties.” That doesn’t work.

Craig Shoemaker: “Talk about being cheap with your kids, you’re making me moist.” No, they’re not after a sense of humor. They say that in all the surveys, but it’s not true.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they wanna look like they’re not shallow?

Craig Shoemaker: Now a multimillionaire telling jokes, I’m sure they’d be into that.

Captain Brien: They’re very into it.

Craig Shoemaker: No, I sound bitter. I’m happily married.

Captain Brien: Well that’s good.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m also divorced.

Captain Brien: You are, yeah we talked about that.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right. And by the way, all my shows at your clubs are benefit shows and all proceeds go to my ex-wife. I just thought I’d let you know.

Captain Brien: They can get tickets. Go to OffTheHookComedy.com

Craig Shoemaker: And it goes to Pilates.

Captain Brien: Yeah. How can you say no to that?

Craig Shoemaker: It goes to her Pilates class and her… and Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah that’s what your cover charge goes to that.

Captain Brien: That’s funny

Craig Shoemaker: But no, I’m not bitter

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. So tell me, you’ve been doin’ the comedy now how long?

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, we have 13– You told me I was gonna have a load of–

Captain Brien: We will!

Craig Shoemaker: Now it went down to 11.

Captain Brien: We will! It’s nine o’clock. How many people are gonna watch at nine o’clock? By the time this is done–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah?

Captain Brien: By the time you leave this weekend, 10,000 views, guaranteed.

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what it says here.

Captain Brien: There’s probably–

Craig Shoemaker: “By the way, who needs sunglasses today? LOL.” I do ’cause I’ve been up all night.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Craig had a–Hi Ana! Ana’s watching laughing at us right now. And Elaine, hey Elaine. What’s happening–Oh, Eileen? I can’t read because I’m tryin’ to drive. I should drive and not talk. Or should I not read?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m looking at you, Ana. With my hazel eyes.

Captain Brien: You should entertain the audience. This is my actual podcast, Craig.

Craig Shoemaker: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: What do you mean, “entertain the audience”?

Captain Brien: Yeah, say somethin’ good, you know? Say somethin’ funny. Do you hate when people say that to you? I hate it! “Oh own a comedy club? Are you funny?” What do you mean? I’m not a comedian.

Craig Shoemaker: I had this woman in Philadelphia– I was havin’ a meal at this outdoor cafe. From another table with a Philadelphia accent, “Hey yo, I overheard you’re a comedian. “Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.” I’m like, “Listen lady, this is what I do for a living. “What do you do?” “I’m a nurse.” “Alright, you give me an enema. “You do your job, I’ll do mine. How’s that?” It’s what we do for a living. And then people askin’ for free tickets.

Captain Brien: Oh, nonstop.

Craig Shoemaker: I hope he’s watchin’ right now. A guy on my Facebook flat-out says, “How ’bout some tickets?” How do you think–Do you own a bakery? I go, “You know, I’ll have a croissant, “I’ll have a little pastry.”

Captain Brien: Why don’t ya whip me up a cake right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Just because I asked.

Captain Brien: I’ll trade you a cake in your back pocket for these tickets. The thing that drive me crazy is that they’ll hit you up, wonderin’ what’s goin’ on that weekend. Oh, nothin’ much. No show. No! Is it, “Are they funny?” How ’bout that question? “Hey you got a show this weekend. Are they funny?”

Craig Shoemaker: That’s irrelevant.

Captain Brien: Oh, are they funny? Yeah, no I try to book the most un-funny people in the U.S. That’s my business.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, there are a lot of un-funnies.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but I don’t book ’em!

Craig Shoemaker: But they have a Youtube hit.

Captain Brien: Well, okay.

Craig Shoemaker: You know, if they have a Youtube hit, they’re an influencer, so influencers are now doing comedy.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are. It’s a big thing.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how you can tell by the way? I’m gonna give you a secret. Okay? You.

Captain Brien: This is a secret just for the people that watch it.

Craig Shoemaker: If it’s a star, right? They list it as a star show and it says “and friends.” That means they have no material and they load it up with comedians but they’re basing everything on their draw from being the influencer–

Captain Brien: That’s true.

Craig Shoemaker: Of which they only have five minutes of material.

Captain Brien: But the people love the fact that they get to meet those people.

Craig Shoemaker: They get to meet the influencer who’s gonna only be around a second.

Captain Brien: But they want a picture with the influencer.

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster’s got stay power baby. Oh yeahhh.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been doin’ this since high school

Captain Brien: I literally fell in love with the Lovemaster. I don’t know how long ago, but like one of my favorite bits in comedy.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh really?

Captain Brien: It is! Yeah I’m not kiddin’. I love it. I love it.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, I have to be P.C. about it now. I’m gonna tell you the derivation of the Lovemaster, which is P.C. I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Oh look! Bob Feffer and Sherri Feffer. Those are your friends from Philly. Yeah, yeah she’s watchin’ right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Aye! They’re local.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, they all watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Nice weather you gave me here, Sherri.

Captain Brien: Yeah. Hi Sherri! Hey Bob, what’s goin’ on?

Craig Shoemaker: Bob’s not on.

Captain Brien: Well, maybe they’re together. I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, speaking of comp tickets, they asked me for four on Friday.

Captain Brien: Here we go.

Craig Shoemaker: Can you write that down?

Captain Brien: Just reel ’em in. Reelin’ em in.

Craig Shoemaker: Actually, to top it all of, they went through Tim Mooney to ask me for the tickets for them.

Craig Shoemaker: And I have to ask you. That’s how it works in the comedy business. It’s a wonder we make any money.

Captain Brien: So you’re tellin’ me about the Lovemaster, which I said was one of my favorite bits of comedy–

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster all came from–I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: Which is how I became a comic, because it’s the only why to get attention from the girls. I was 5’1″, 92 lbs, and all the girls would use the F-word with me: Friend. I was always the frickin’ friend.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I hated it. I asked 13 girls to the prom.

Captain Brien: No way!

Craig Shoemaker: And the one who went with me, she ended up making out with Ricky Aldamere in the corner.

Captain Brien: Ricky, that S.O.B.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, Linda Scott– I go with her, I thought she’d look good for the photo.

Captain Brien: Damn it Ricky!

Craig Shoemaker: You know, show my kids, “Look at this.” “Look who I went to the prom with.”

Captain Brien: Where’s Ricky now? He’s not the Lovemaster.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right.

Craig Shoemaker: One time–You know Cindy Crawford, supermodel?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I was doin’ a TV show with her on NBC and she goes, “You must’a had a lot of girls.” I said, “No, Cindy. I was a geek.” 13 girls, Linda Scott made out with Rickey Aldamere, and I turned to the camera and I said, “Well Linda, I’m here with Cindy Crawford.” Right?

Craig Shoemaker: And I swear to God she was actually watching and so was Ricky Aldamere’s wife.

Captain Brien: Get outta here! That’s so funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Ricky Aldamere’s wife e-mailed me: “He was a creep back then, wasn’t he?”

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes he was. He took my prom date I spent all that money for. I should bill him.

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. I love that.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s a lot of money.

Captain Brien: But now you created the Lovemaster and then it made a living so thank Ricky.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s true. From every hardship, I ended up turning it around and making lemonade.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve got a whole stand now of all the hardships.

Captain Brien: We did that with our ex’s too.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s exactly right, so I’ve got some good ex material.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I don’t have as much about my current wife.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: She shouldn’t be called “current” wife. She’s my wife. Like it’s a temp job.

Captain Brien: There could be an expiration date

Craig Shoemaker: No, there’s no expiration date.

Captain Brien: I run 10 years.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s permanent. I believe on my part she is, but she’s just so… She’s so kind and, you know, you have to have conflict in comedy. And we have no conflict. I’m like, “Can you get mad at me for something?”

Captain Brien: Right, you have to have somethin’ to talk about.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, so I don’t have a lot about her except she’s very, very new-agey.

Captain Brien: You did say that.

Craig Shoemaker: She gets turned on when I compost.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m like, “Look, honey. I got a banana peel. “I’m putting it in the can where it belongs.”

Captain Brien: And she’s ready to go.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s got a vaginal boner on this one. On the composting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God. So guys, tune in right now. We’re going on 105–no, I’m sorry, 103.9.

Craig Shoemaker: So that was it? That’s–

Captain Brien: We’re done, the show, we gotta end it baby. It’s a wrap.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, we’re up to six people. That’s fantastic. This really killed.

Captain Brien: It’s been on and off. It’s the damn zit today. See this zit right here? That’s why no one wants to watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Why would you point it out? I can’t even see it.

Captain Brien: I don’t know what happened You can’t see it? It’s huge!

Captain Brien: Go all the way up to the thing here. I grew that just since we’ve been talking.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God, it looks like Beetlejuice. Another head is growing on your–

Captain Brien: How all of a sudden that happened? It’s the stress of my daughter’s birthday today.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s what it is?

Captain Brien: Maybe.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re under pressure?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot. I gotta do a lot of things.

Craig Shoemaker: I love that kids now–she has a whole, like, four days for her birthday.

Captain Brien: It’s not a birthday month to–

Craig Shoemaker: You won’t take me fishing now, “Oh it’s my daughter’s birthday.” “So when’s her birthday?” “Today.” “Well I’m asking you to fish on Sunday.” “Oh no, it’s still my daughter’s birthday.”

Captain Brien: Have you seen the birthday month post? “It’s my birthday month! Give it up!” Like that’s extra.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh God, you know what I hate about birthdays? We were all born.

Captain Brien: Yeah everyone has one, right?

Craig Shoemaker: There’s nothing special. I don’t celebrate them anymore.

Captain Brien: I know, I know. Listen guys, we’re wrappin’ it up. It’s the Captain’s Log, say “hi” to us. You can follow Craig Shoemaker @craigshoe, yeah?

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log, that reminds me of John Luck Pickard.

Captain Brien: Eh, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: I need a sexy name for the followers though.

Craig Shoemaker: Stool is a little loose. Need more fiber.

Craig Shoemaker: Engage!

Captain Brien: We’re out guys.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: We gotta go. 103.9, tune in. We’re gonna be live and 96K-Rock. See Craig at Off The Hook Comedy Club all weekend. Later, we out.