Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Miss Fort Myers Sara Biro out and show her some love at:
Comedian and life coach JP Sears joins the #naplescaptainslog to discuss his comedy series Ultra Spiritual!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Comedian JP Sears out and show him some love at:
Comedian Ricky Cruz is on the #naplescaptainslog discussing his career and friendship with the late Ralphie May.
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Comedian Ricky Cruz out and show him some love at:
Captain Brien and Doctor Daller tackle the trending topic of vaping! What is it? Is it healthy? Why is it popular? Tune into this episode of the #naplescaptainslog for all the details!
Dr. Daller will be joining Captain Brien EVERY Tuesday at 2:30 on the Captains Log to answer any questions you may have! Make sure you tune in and comment with your questions!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Kimmy Sue joins Captain Brien on the #naplescaptainslog to discuss autoimmune disease!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Comedians Dante and Rebekah join the #naplescaptainslog to discuss the Portland Comedy Festival with Captain Brien!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Dante and Rebekah out and show them some love at:
The man, the myth, the legendary Tom Green joins this episode of the #naplescaptainslog to tell us about his career and his most recent project, his new album! You can purchase his new album on a green vinyl or find it on apple music!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: We could do it. Let’s do it, guys. The Captain’s Log with Tom Green.
Tom Green: Oh my God, yeah.
Captain Brien: Hey, we are live.
Tom Green: Yeah, what about that camera?
Captain Brien: This one, let’s turn them all on.
Tom Green: You’ve got so many cameras, Captain Brien.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna turn everything on and go live.
Tom Green: Captain Brien’s got so many cameras. I don’t know which one to look at.
Captain Brien: Do you like it?
Tom Green: I like it. I’m not gonna look at any of the cameras.
Captain Brien: You’re not gonna look.
Tom Green: Because I don’ want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera.
Captain Brien: No, no, of course not.
Tom Green: This time I’m gonna look around at stuff. Not gonna look at any of the cameras because I don’t want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera, so I’m just going to look around at stuff.
Captain Brien: Yeah, don’t look at anything.
Tom Green: I said that twice.
Captain Brien: We need gas today though. Today’s the first time I think I might have to get gas live on The Log.
Tom Green: Have you ever run out of gas on The Captain’s Log?
Captain Brien: On The Log? No, that would not be fun. I haven’t done much driving tactics on The Log, mostly just driving.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Not a lot of, I haven’t gotten pulled over.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Thank God I haven’t gotten in an accident.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Mostly just driving.
Tom Green: That’s cool.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I’ve watched the show quite a bit.
Captain Brien: Well I appreciate that. You know what’s funny is of course–
Tom Green: It’s my favorite show.
Captain Brien: It’s your favorite?
Tom Green: I can’t believe I’m on this. I feel like I’m doing Letterman right now, for the first time.
Captain Brien: Well speaking of–
Tom Green: I’m a little nervous.
Captain Brien: You are now doing a Larry King.
Tom Green: Yes, yeah.
Captain Brien: Which is amazing.
Tom Green: I’m guest hosting Larry King Now.
Captain Brien: Larry King Now.
Tom Green: Which is on Hulu and Ora TV, and it’s been really cool and I’ve gotten to do multiple episodes of the show, 10 episodes we’ve done already, and I think we’re going to be doing more.
Captain Brien: Do they release all of them at once?
Tom Green: No, they kind of been coming out–
Captain Brien: The come out like daily or weekly?
Tom Green: Yep, a few a week, yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Daily I think, yep.
Captain Brien: That’s cool.
Tom Green: Yeah, so.
Captain Brien: And how, how’s the studio? Is it like a big production thing or–
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Is it, I mean, it’s legit, like, it’s like–
Tom Green: Larry King Studios. It’s amazing, yeah, it’s incredible. That’s what’s cool about it ’cause I’ve done home made broadcasts, kind of like this, where I hooked up a bunch of cameras and done web shows and things. But it’s cool to be able to go down there and have like a full state of the art television studio.
Captain Brien: Speaking of which, Josh Pray is on there right now.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Josh, what’s up buddy.
Tom Green: Oh yeah, you can see people.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna do a little deal with Tom Green this week. I told them we’re going to get hooked up.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah, so this–
Tom Green: Oh Josh Pray’s your friend you were telling me about.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tom Green: Who’s got millions of followers.
Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s my boy, so we’re gonna hook it up.
Tom Green: Hey Josh, can you tell your followers to go look at my YouTube channel? I posted two new music videos this week.
Captain Brien: And how you gonna rap? You rap about your new song.
Tom Green: Yeah, I have a new song. We just world premiered it. We just played it on 105.5.
Captain Brien: Five, yeah, The Beat.
Tom Green: The Beat, it’s called–
Captain Brien: And the name of the song is?
Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.
Captain Brien: I love that.
Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.
Captain Brien: I Love that. That, that kind of is everybody’s.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Song.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: That’s their theme song.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Who doesn’t?
Tom Green: Who doesn’t like Drake?
Captain Brien: What’s the, what’s the beat, your favorite line in the song?
Tom Green: In my song?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I think it’s, “I know you said “no new friends homie but that’s exactly who I am.”
Captain Brien: I was, I was looking at beat, but I love the photography that you did, the footage of the video. They have to go your Tom Green, not on your Facebook, I’m sorry, on your YouTube because you have the video, and you shot it all across Asia, right?
Tom Green: Yeah, so I’m here doing–
Captain Brien: Which I love.
Tom Green: I’m here in Florida doing stand up comedy at Off The Hook this weekend, and I’m touring all the time, but I was in Asia a few weeks ago, did a three week tour throughout the continent of Asia, Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Philippines and China, Shanghai, China. And so we shot three music videos over there actually.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tom Green: Two of which have just been premiered. There’s a second video up on the website also.
Captain Brien: What I love about all the stuff you do, it’s so organic, like everything you post is just stuff that you create, your content. It’s original for you. And you were like one of the first guys to even do that, period.
Tom Green: Yeah, I was into skateboarding videos when I was a teenager, and I remember seeing skateboarding videos, Tony Hawk.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Who I just interviewed on Larry King Now. Who is now a friend of mine but I was, he was my idol when I was growing up. And part of the reason was ’cause I just, not only ’cause I loved watching the skateboarding but I loved watching the videos they would make. And that was the first time I remembered ever seeing like videos that weren’t made by a major television network.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: And you know how the world’s changed, right, now everybody’s making videos themselves and posting on Facebook, so we’re used to seeing raw, guerrilla kind of content now. But back in the 80s, right, that was just so rare to see anything that was, and to me it was appealing to me because you felt like you were seeing something you weren’t really supposed to see.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: It wasn’t run through a corporation, a series of checks and balances, and you get the sanitized show. It was like a lot of, you know, there used to be this video called Faces of Death, that people would watch. It was on a VHS, people would hand it around. And it was like crazy, like, “Oh a guy jumps “out of a plane, his parachute doesn’t open “and he lands in a pit of alligators.” Probably was all fake, but it felt real.
Captain Brien: Right, there is some like–
Tom Green: I don’t like to date myself and sound really old or whatever but I’m 47 years old, you know.
Captain Brien: You’re not old.
Tom Green: Yeah, I remember, but you know I’m, if you’re 20 though, 47 is really old, right.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: So if you’re 20, that sounds really old. When a 20 year old hears somebody talking about how they remember the world before cell phones.
Captain Brien: Before the internet.
Tom Green: Before the internet, before reality TV.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: That’s like when we were kids, hearing somebody talking about like how grandma didn’t used to have electricity.
Captain Brien: Right, it is, it is.
Tom Green: And you’d be thinking like, “Wow, my grandma’s old, she didn’t have electricity.”
Captain Brien: How does that happen.
Tom Green: It’s almost probably weirder to imagine the world without the internet and cellphones for a young person today because we’re so consumed by them, you know.
Captain Brien: What I find absolutely amazing, is that when it’s as new as like, “Oh iTunes, like you didn’t remember iTunes?” And I’m like, that’s not that old.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: YouTube is 12 years old. It’s not that old.
Tom Green: Yeah, isn’t that crazy?
Captain Brien: But like my kids, they don’t understand, like.
Tom Green: YouTube, this thing we’re on now, it’s 12 years old.
Captain Brien: Yeah, right, it’s amazing.
Tom Green: Yeah, it’s amazing.
Captain Brien: It really is.
Tom Green: Rome Marriquin.
Captain Brien: Brian Fox. I got some friends in Wakefield.
Tom Green: Shelly Misorowski.
Captain Brien: Back in the High School Days, Wakefield Mass in the house, when Tom Green was hitting it big time.
Tom Green: All right.
Captain Brien: All fans, all fans of your show, not to mention fans right now. So how did you know like–
Tom Green: Doroda Blair is watching.
Captain Brien: It wasn’t a thing to record people.
Tom Green: Jeremy.
Captain Brien: And do funny videos and like, how did you know that was going to be okay? Like you could just do it. You were just hoping? Or did you feel like, “Hey I’m going to make something out of this.” ‘Cause you really went in full. I mean, you started doing it like.
Tom Green: Yeah I went to school for broadcasting. I was a huge David Letterman fan. Loved Late Night with David Letterman and The Late Show, and loved when he would go out in the street and I loved when he’d do things that were kind of edgy, like you know, go out and yell at people with his megaphone out of his office at people in the street, or deliver a fruit basket to the you know, CEO of GE or whatever. So it was like a, you know, it was something I was sort of a huge fan of. And I just thought, I want to try to do sort of a guerrilla version of that.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Tom Green: A non-networked version of that. And you know, like I was a man of traditional comedy. I loved SCTV and Monty Python and Saturday Night Live and funny movies and comedians and stuff. So I was aware that there was sort of a mainstream way of doing things, and then there was the skateboard video way of doing things. So I tried to kind of combine the two and you know I did pursue trying to get the show picked up by MTV. I mean, we did the show for years in Canada. We were on a small network in Canada.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: First before MTV. Started on Public Access, did the show for free for years, several years.
Captain Brien: People don’t get that that leads to so many things sometimes.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: You know, putting in the time, putting in the energy and making something out of nothing, and then you built enough that it has value.
Tom Green: The Captain’s Log could easily be–
Captain Brien: Correct, like look at this show, dammit.
Tom Green: On CBS someday.
Captain Brien: That’s right. I’m doing it for free.
Tom Green: Some day we’ll be watching this on CBS, Captain Brien on the Captain’s Log. Late night, CBS late night, right after Steven Colbert comes on, The Captain’s Log.
Captain Brien: You do inspire me for that.
Tom Green: And you’ll say, “You know I did this show “for free for awhile.”
Captain Brien: Because I’ve been doing this now for quite a long time. People say, “Well why do you do it, man?” Well it’s, number one, I like to document everything that we have going on in life.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: All them cool people like yourself that I meet.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: I mean, it’s not like, I may not have this opportunity if I didn’t have a comedy club or if I didn’t have this, the ability to turn on the cameras and just roll with it.
Tom Green: This is the new business model for show business, right, you have a comedy club, you’re selling tickets. People are watching. Presumably some of these amazing people are going to come down to the comedy club.
Captain Brien: That’s right, yes.
Tom Green: Tonight, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night in Naples, Off The Hook Comedy.
Captain Brien: To see the famous Tom Green.
Tom Green: Come on down. I’m doing six shows. And so you know, that’s the revenue model now, right. You know, we’re selling tickets here.
Captain Brien: We are.
Tom Green: It’s interesting you know, like like people sort of, who don’t do standup, who are in the entertainment business, don’t really think I think about the show business model the same way.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: Once you start doing standup, you really think of it differently.
Captain Brien: Because you’re with the people.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: And I think that’s also why that they’re casting so many comedians in movies these days too, because they’re actually, it’s almost like a rock star, right, where you go out and you have a concert tour because you released an album.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: What other, it’s not like Tom Cruise is touring around theaters, saying, “Hey everybody, come watch my movie.”
Tom Green: Yeah, although I would go to that show.
Captain Brien: I would too.
Tom Green: That would be cool.
Captain Brien: It’d be a very good show.
Tom Green: Tom Cruise started doing standup, I would be the first in line. I would love to see that. And he’d probably be really good too.
Captain Brien: I bet.
Tom Green: He’s obviously a great performer.
Captain Brien: Charismatic.
Tom Green: Yeah, absolutely. But you know, you know, Tom Cruise–
Captain Brien: You ever meet him?
Tom Green: I never met him but he went to my school. He lived in Ottawa for awhile when he was in Canada.
Captain Brien: Really.
Tom Green: Yeah, his dad was in the US Navy. And he actually, rumor has it, we were, he lived on the same street that I lived on when I grew up, where I grew up.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tom Green: But I’ve never had the opportunity to run into Tom Cruise and ask him about that.
Captain Brien: Who would you want to meet?
Tom Green: Well I’ve met David Letterman but I would love to interview David Letterman, ’cause you know.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause of the beards now? ‘Cause you look alike?
Tom Green: Just ’cause I have a million questions for him and was just such an inspiration to me and I look up to him, so it’d be cool to be able to interview him and do that. Who have I not met that I would like to meet? I’ve met, I was doing a bit recently, I was sort of screwing around with like audience recently in one of my shows.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: And you know, the bit is that basically, I’ve basically met everybody except Tom Cruise. I basically met everybody.
Captain Brien: And Drake.
Tom Green: And so like name, yeah.
Captain Brien: Wait did you meet Drake?
Tom Green: No, I haven’t met Drake.
Captain Brien: But he’s coming soon.
Tom Green: But I mean, not to play celebrity name dropping here on Captain Brien’s, The Log, but name somebody, I’ll tell you whether or not I’ve met them or not.
Captain Brien: Howard Stern.
Tom Green: Met him, yes, yes, I’ve been on–
Captain Brien: Good guy?
Tom Green: Yeah, good, great guy.
Captain Brien: That’s probably one of the only guys I want to meet.
Tom Green: Been on his show.
Captain Brien: I want to meet him.
Tom Green: Yeah. Howard Stern phoned my on my cellphone a couple of times, and we had private, off-radio conversations.
Captain Brien: Very cool.
Tom Green: He was always very supportive. Okay, who else?
Captain Brien: Females, let’s see.
Tom Green: Anybody, name anybody.
Captain Brien: How about–
Tom Green: I’ve met everybody.
Tom Green: I’ve been living in Hollywood for 20 years.
Captain Brien: Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford?
Tom Green: Never met her.
Captain Brien: Ah, see.
Tom Green: Never met her, no.
Captain Brien: do you care to meet her?
Tom Green: Yeah. I would like to meet her. I would like to meet everybody. I like everybody.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Okay but seriously I’ve met everybody. Name someone, I’ve met them. Other than Tom Cruise and Cindy Crawford.
Captain Brien: Let’s see, how about–
Tom Green: And then I’ll tell you a little, a brief story about–
Captain Brien: About, about everyone.
Tom Green: About where we met and how we met, yeah.
Captain Brien: Did you ever meet Barbara Streisand?
Tom Green: Never met her, but I did see her in a restaurant once.
Captain Brien: Joan Rivers.
Tom Green: Joan Rivers I have met. She was amazingly supportive of me. We were on The Celebrity Apprentice together. She won that season. Also I did her show In Bed With Joan, so I actually know her–
Captain Brien: Oh you did that? I thought that was a great show.
Tom Green: Yeah, it was kind of like this.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I’m glad I’m not in bed with you right now.
Captain Brien: Yeah, well we have, let’s not, let’s not lie to the camera. It’s been in the past, I mean.
Tom Green: Yeah, we don’t want to talk about that.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: But yeah, I love Joan, and she was an incredible legend.
Captain Brien: She really was.
Tom Green: Okay, next.
Captain Brien: I don’t know. Who was the person that you’re most proud that you met?
Tom Green: The proudest person to have met?
Captain Brien: Yeah. Or the most inspiring person.
Tom Green: Probably Letterman.
Captain Brien: Letterman, yeah.
Tom Green: That was the most exciting moment for me, when I got asked to be a guest on his show. And then I got to guest host his show once too actually.
Captain Brien: Oh wow.
Tom Green: Guest hosted Letterman once as well. So that was probably for me a big deal. But you know, it’s, it’s cool. I am sort of a big fan of so much comedy and films and television, so I do get a little bit of a thrill–
Captain Brien: Do you?
Tom Green: Out of meeting people, yeah, I get that.
Captain Brien: I didn’t actually expect that.
Tom Green: I get nervous when I know I’m going to interview someone that I’ve never interviewed before. I get nervous if I have to go to a-
Captain Brien: More nervous than being on The Captain’s Log or less?
Tom Green: More nervous.
Captain Brien: Way more.
Tom Green: More nervous, yes.
Captain Brien: Wow, shocking, shocking.
Tom Green: On the scale of nervousness from one to 10 right now, I’m at around a two.
Captain Brien: A two.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: I really bring the best out of you.
Tom Green: Well I’m still a little nervous though.
Captain Brien: It could be, it could be a point five.
Tom Green: Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Captain Brien: I know, I know, so that’s good, that’s good. I’m feel good about that.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Now that he’s put it in perspective.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: So what do you think–
Tom Green: Let’s put it this way though, when I’m going to sleep at night, I’m about a three.
Captain Brien: Thanks. You didn’t have to throw that in. We didn’t have to add that part at all.
Tom Green: No, I get, I have a lot of anxiety, so, ’cause you’re sort of keeping my mind occupied right now. I’m actually a little less nervous than I would be.
Captain Brien: So I put you at ease.
Tom Green: When I got to sleep, I’m like, oh my God, yeah, am I going to have a heart attack in my sleep?
Captain Brien: If you need me to cuddle tonight.
Tom Green: Am I going to wake up in the morning?
Captain Brien: If you need me to come over to cuddle.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: To put you to sleep like this, I’m happy to do that.
Tom Green: Yeah, okay. Yeah I know you’ve got some stuff you gotta do, so.
Captain Brien: I want to make sure that you’re comfortable here in Florida.
Tom Green: Yeah, no, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Captain Brien: Six big shows, Off The Hook Comedy Club.
Tom Green: Yeah, yeah.
Captain Brien: How could they find you on Instagram? You’re at Tom Green, right?
Tom Green: Tom Green on Instagram.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Tom Green Live on Twitter. And I’m on Facebook. But go to Instagram first because I’m on there the most.
Captain Brien: You’re the most relevant there. You’re posting stuff all of the time.
Tom Green: I like it more. I like it more.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Tom Green: I like the pictures. I read the comments. But I’m on YouTube also, my YouTube channel. So come find me.
Captain Brien: So come out with Tom.
Tom Green: Kevin Brasie is watching.
Captain Brien: Kevin Brasie, yeah, Wakefield.
Tom Green: Oh Brasie, I’m sorry.
Captain Brien: My homie from Wakefield.
Tom Green: The French pronunciation.
Captain Brien: And then Bob, Boston Bob and Brad.
Tom Green: Kevin Brasie.
Captain Brien: All kinds of people watching today, saying hello to Tom Green.
Tom Green: Hey everybody.
Captain Brien: They’re star struck Tom, star struck, like me.
Tom Green: So glad to see you guys. Please come out and see me tonight. And I actually have my album for sale too, at the show, a vinyl record.
Captain Brien: You do have a vinyl record.
Tom Green: Printed on green vinyl. And I have a few copies available.
Captain Brien: I need to get, I’ll trade you a signed vinyl for a signed bottle of Captain Brien’s Vodka.
Tom Green: Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Captain Brien: Is that a good deal?
Tom Green: Yeah, that’s a good deal.
Captain Brien: That’s a barter.
Tom Green: That’s amazing.
Captain Brien: That’s a win for both of us.
Tom Green: Absolutely.
Captain Brien: All right guys, this is The Captain’s Log. This is my friend, Tom Green. It’s been a pleasure, buddy.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: Listen, I always appreciate you coming.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: To the Club.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: One of my favorites. It’s been many years now we’re working together.
Tom Green: Yeah. How many? Like almost 10 years.
Captain Brien: Almost 10 years. And for me, it’s an honor and it’s exciting. You guys are going to get a great show. Off The Hook Comedy Club, Tom Green. This is The Captain’s Log. Thanks for watching guys. Have a good day, be the best. And I’m out.
Captain Brien is joined by Doctor Saman Freedman to decide whether or not he should fill the space in his front teeth. Lave us a comment with your recommendation!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Dr. Saman Freedman out and show her some love at:
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: Good morning, good morning! We’re back on the Captain’s Log with Dr.Saman Freedman. Yes, did I say it right?
Dr. Freedman: You said it right!
Captain Brien: I tried, I tried. Awesome. So, we talked to each other on Instagram, and I told you that I’ve been to three different dentists, and they tell me no. That I shouldn’t fill it. Is there a reason why I shouldn’t fill it, fill the teeth space? Yeah, this one, right here. That one. What do you think?
Dr. Freedman: I think it’s a personal preference.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: It’s called a diastema. And that can be a relapse from braces. You’ve had braces before?
Captain Brien: I did, yes.
Dr. Freedman: If you don’t wear your retainer.
Captain Brien: Can you open that? We can share it to your,
Dr. Freedman: If you don’t wear your retainer,
Captain Brien: fan page.
Dr. Freedman: a lot of times what ends up happening is you get that space back.
Captain Brien: And I got it.
Dr. Freedman: And you got it.
Captain Brien: Correct.
Dr. Freedman: Now that’s a personal preference, some of my patients love the space because they feel like it’s their character. So even if I do cosmetic work on them, like veneers, we maintain that space. And other patients want to close that space, and that’s why they come to me.
Captain Brien: I’ve been looking at it for a long time, and I keep going to different dentists and they say, don’t do it because of that. You say it’s like a personal preference, but I kinda feel like I wanna close it.
Dr. Freedman: I think it would look very nice if you did close it, it’s very easy to, you have different options. You can close it with something permanent, or with something like Invisalign. You know, it all depends on what you wanna do.
Captain Brien: What, what do they do, what would you do to close it?
Dr. Freedman: One way of closing the space is by getting veneers,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: Everybody’s heard of veneers.
Captain Brien: Yup.
Dr. Freedman: They’re very popular. It’s basically like porcelain, that
Captain Brien: But, do you have to pull out my regular teeth?
Dr. Freedman: No, there’s no pulling of your teeth.
Captain Brien: Oh!
Dr. Freedman: We’re not giving you dentures, we’re closing the space.
Captain Brien: Okay, I just wanted to make sure, I don’t want my teeth yanked out.
Dr. Freedman: No no, no yanking. So basically, what we do is we just very minorly, very conservatively, prep the teeth. And by that we just take away .5 millimeters of enamel, so you still have your enamel. And we cement porcelain, on top of your teeth.
Captain Brien: Like caps? Like little
Dr. Freedman: So the difference between a cap,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: which is a crown, and a veneer, is a veneer is very conservative, and it’s just .5 millimeters thick. So it’s translucent, it’s very thin. It just gets cemented on top of your own teeth.
Captain Brien: Like a little shingle?
Dr. Freedman: Exactly.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, like a press on nail almost.
Captain Brien: Okay. On my teeth.
Dr. Freedman: On your teeth.
Captain Brien: And you, will you make these?
Dr. Freedman: We will be sending them to a lab, there’s different ways of doing it. Some offices do it in-house, with a cerec machine. However, that is not the most aesthetic way of doing it, I prefer more of a feldspathic porcelain that’s layered, a layered porcelain that a ceramist does. And that’s all they do, all day long. Sit in a lab, and layer this porcelain, and they’re so good at it.
Captain Brien: Oh, I had a good friend in Boston that did that. Her dad made all of the veneers and all that stuff for like, dentists everywhere in the whole north shore, in a lab.
Dr. Freedman: And that’s their specialty, so they do it all day long. So I leave it up to them. And my lab is excellent. So they’ll be able to really do whatever it is that you want and keep it looking natural.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: So you’ll still have a beautiful smile, you’ll still have a natural smile. The other option is doing something like Invisalign, which is also very popular.
Captain Brien: Yeah, but I have to wear that all the time, right?
Dr. Freedman: Um, yes.
Captain Brien: During the day?
Dr. Freedman: Day and night, 22 hours a day.
Captain Brien: Oh my god.
Dr. Freedman: they’re clear trays that you’ll be wearing all day long,
Captain Brien: So I have to re,
Dr. Freedman: every day.
Captain Brien: Retrain myself to talk?
Dr. Freedman: Um no, it’s so thin that you don’t even- they’re flexible, they’re comfortable. You wouldn’t even notice they’re there after a day or two.
Captain Brien: And, when I had braces, there was a lot of pain, cause my teeth were moving.
Dr. Freedman: Right.
Captain Brien: Do they do the same thing with the Invisalign?
Dr. Freedman: No, the Invisalign is smaller movements. And, it’s such minor shifting that we’ll be doing with your teeth.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Freedman: If you do choose to close the space, that you will have zero pain. And you can take ’em off when you eat.
Captain Brien: When I eat.
Dr. Freedman: So, it’s easy to keep clean.
Captain Brien: Do I kiss somebody with them?
Dr. Freedman: Um, I would probably take ’em off.
Captain Brien: So I have to say, hold on one minute, let me kiss you, I gotta take- Give me a moment, yeah. I mean yeah, they probably won’t even notice you have ’em in but, I would probably take them off.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Captain Brien: So, the other day I was at a restaurant, right, and I was about to eat, and just before I ate, I looked over, and I was in this restaurant in Tampa, and there was an older gentleman, that was at the bar. And he was very close to me, but he was on the, like, 90 degree angle. He was sitting on the side and I was sitting on the front, and I about, just when my food comes, he somehow popped out his dentures,
Captain Brien: out of his mouth, and was like, pushing them around and cleaning them with his tongue, in his mouth!
Dr. Freedman: Oh, yes. Yes, I’ve seen that
Captain Brien: I literally wanted to gag. I didn’t eat my meal, the lady was like, oh, is everything okay? I’m like, Oh, everything’s great, no problem. And I was so disgusted. I have a weak stomach. It’s the worst.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, no that’s not good, no no. It’ll be slightly different than that.
Captain Brien: Yeah, cause I don’t wanna have to pop them out and then all of a sudden like, I can’t do that.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, no. No, he’s probably storing some meals in there.
Captain Brien: Oh my god.
Dr. Freedman: No, no
Captain Brien: It was so
Dr. Freedman: You don’t wanna do that.
Captain Brien: nauseating, I was ready to die. And I , I was dy- I was laughing so hard, that I, like wanted to take a picture of it, because it went on for a few seconds. Like, it wasn’t just like he did this little move, and then, he was like, literally like, getting in there with his teeth, with his mouth,
Dr. Freedman: His fingers, his tongue.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it was a whole thing. And I was like, Oh god!
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, I haven’t seen that in a while, but I have seen it. Yep, yep.
Captain Brien: So Doc, where is your practice located here in,
Dr. Freedman: I am in Bayfront so, close to downtown.
Captain Brien: Right. In Naples.
Dr. Freedman: In Naples.
Dr. Freedman: Yep. Close to downtown Naples, in Bayfront.
Captain Brien: And you’ve been practicing in Naples for how long?
Dr. Freedman: I’ve been here for about ten years.
Captain Brien: And where are you from originally?
Dr. Freedman: I’m from Miami.
Captain Brien: Miami.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah.
Captain Brien: And why did you relocate to Naples?
Dr. Freedman: Um, I got pregnant with my son, and it just seemed like a slower pace. You know? Safer, slower pace, nice little community.
Captain Brien: Yep.
Dr. Freedman: And I love that.
Captain Brien: Got the Dollars on there right now.
Dr. Freedman: Hi Dr. Dollar.
Captain Brien: See, we have mutual friends. Hey Nikki, Patricia how are you guys?
Dr. Freedman: Hi Nikki.
Captain Brien: Thank you for watching today, this is the Captain’s Log. And, we’re talking about what we’re gonna do with my two front teeth. Are we gonna close them off? Or are we gonna do veneers? And is there any other options?
Dr. Freedman: Um, we can do, well you know, honestly in your case, I think your best bet. You can do composite veneers.
Captain Brien: What’s that.
Dr. Freedman: So that is basically, tooth colored filling composite, and we close the gap with that. But I, the problem with composite veneers, and a lot of people come to me because, they feel like it’s more economical, and they can afford it. So what they end up doing is, wanting them because they’re cheaper.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: The problem with that is, they’re more temporary. So, it’s not a permanent fix, they stain
Captain Brien: So, it’s like,
Dr. Freedman: and they chip.
Captain Brien: If I got ’em bonded, right? Is that,
Dr. Freedman: That’s exactly what that is, is bonding.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: So yo do close the space, but the problem with that is they chip, they stain, and they’re not as, I mean they can be very aesthetic. But they’re just, I prefer the porcelain veneers, ’cause it just looks so natural.
Captain Brien: And I won’t feel, will I feel them, if I did that?
Dr. Freedman:at all.
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Freedman: They would feel and function like your teeth.
Captain Brien: And how long would the Invisalign last on me?
Dr. Freedman: The Invisalign, what we would do is we would use a scanner. And it would be, we don’t take impressions anymore, so that’s nice.
Captain Brien: Oh, you don’t?
Dr. Freedman: No more impressions.
Captain Brien: What do you do?
Dr. Freedman: We scan your teeth with a 3D scanner, and that’s sent electronically to the lab, where we put together the treatment plan.
Captain Brien: Do they 3D print my teeth?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Do they?
Dr. Freedman: They do, they absolutely do, yeah.
Captain Brien: I thought they might.
Dr. Freedman: And then you’ll probably be in Invisalign for maybe eight months.
Captain Brien: Eight months.
Dr. Freedman: If that. Maybe six months.
Captain Brien: And then, but after the Invisalign, what do I have to do?
Dr. Freedman: That’s a very good question. So, after the Invisalign, you’re gonna have to retaining
Captain Brien: ’cause I struggle with the retainer thing.
Dr. Freedman: Yes.
Captain Brien: As a kid, I was like, not happening, no way I could sleep with it. I didn’t even want to like, be seen with it.
Dr. Freedman: So what you need to do, is we need to get you a retainer.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: If you’re not gonna wear your retainer, ’cause you haven’t worn it before,
Captain Brien: Chances are it’s not happening.
Dr. Freedman: Chances are it’s not happening. We would do what’s called a fixed retainer, which is a little thin wire on the inside of your teeth,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: and then cement it but bonded on.
Captain Brien: From the inside?
Dr. Freedman: From the inside. Pros and cons, like with everything there’s pros and cons, it’s harder to keep clean. So, you have to be a little more adamant about keeping that-
Captain Brien: I use the OralB, the,
Dr. Freedman: The OralB?
Captain Brien: Is that a good one?
Dr. Freedman: That’s a good one.
Captain Brien: All right.
Dr. Freedman: As long, I prefer nothing with batteries.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Dr. Freedman: So, if you can charge it, it’s better.
Captain Brien: Yeah, no it’s a charge.
Dr. Freedman: ‘Cause it has finer movements, yeah.
Captain Brien: The Sonic.
Captain Brien: So, it’s a charging one, I-
Dr. Freedman:But you have to really spend some time on the inside,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: and keep those areas clean.
Captain Brien: And, that stays forever?
Dr. Freedman: Um, that would have to stay as long as you want your gap to be closed.
Captain Brien: Otherwise it’s just gonna, they’re just gonna run back side to side?
Dr. Freedman: Over time, yeah, yep.
Captain Brien: They’re just gonna run away again?
Dr. Freedman: Yes, yes. What you probably have, is a muscle attachment called a frenum on the inside of your lip.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Dr. Freedman: And what that does, is it pushes the teeth apart.
Captain Brien:, okay.
Dr. Freedman: So, another option would be to do laser there, and remove that muscle attachment, which sounds so much worse than it is.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that sounds-
Dr. Freedman: You don’t even need to be numb for it.
Captain Brien: Really?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Do you do that yourself?
Dr. Freedman: I do.
Captain Brien: In the office?
Dr. Freedman: In the office.
Captain Brien: And what is that treatment called?
Dr. Freedman: It’s just a frenectomy.
Captain Brien: And that’s just for your mouth laser?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, so what that’s for, is the laser’s used to detach that muscle that pushes the teeth apart.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: A lot of times they do that on kids before they start braces. A lot of times-
Captain Brien: My daughter had a spreader, she had a spreader.
Dr. Freedman: An expander.
Captain Brien: Expander thing.
Captain Brien: That was a frickin’ That thing was a challenge.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah. it looks kind of,
Captain Brien: Wow!
Dr. Freedman: It looks kind of um, barbaric.
Captain Brien: Yeah it was like, medieval times man
Dr. Freedman: You have to twist it. Medieval, that’s a good word.
Captain Brien: And I would get in there and crank it, and then she’d be like, I missed yesterday, crank it again! I swear she liked the pain too, she was like, It’s gonna hurt! Do it again! I was like, this I so weird.
Dr. Freedman: That’s interesting, ’cause most kids don’t want me to do it.
Captain Brien: Yeah, oh not my daughter, no she will run right through a brick wall if it, like if she’s gonna be famous for it, she doesn’t care. She’s like, it again, yes! She’s crazy. So she did the expander?
Dr. Freedman: Yes.
Captain Brien: And that thing was brutal.
Dr. Freedman: So the expander is when you have a narrow arch, and you need to move the arch, so you have enough space for your teeth.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: ‘Cause you have almost too many teeth for your mouth, as a child. Or, your teeth are too big. So, instead of taking teeth out, a lot of times what we do, back in the day, they used to take out teeth.
Captain Brien: Oh, okay.
Dr. Freedman: Um, now, what they do, is they expand the arch, so that you have space for all your teeth.
Captain Brien: And, yeah, she had teeth coming in, and she had teeth that had to be pulled, like pulled out. So, they like, kind of redid the whole thing, right?
Dr. Freedman: Right, it gave her space.
Captain Brien: Yeah. But, why can’t they do a little thing where they pull them together?
Dr. Freedman: They can, it’s called Invisalign.
Captain Brien: Oh! So they use the Invisalign that way?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Is there an option, like to get something on the inside that just pulls them together? Kinda like the retainer? We should create one if not.
Dr. Freedman: So there is a system called the Damon system. And they’re brackets that are placed on the inside.
Captain Brien: Hey Mark, Allie, how you guys doing? We’re saying hi.
Dr. Freedman: Hi!
Captain Brien: Okay, I’m trying to-
– Thanks for watching!
Captain Brien: She’s gonna redo my teeth. I’m gonna get a new grill. Maybe a gold grill.
Dr. Freedman: I was thinking we’d put your daughter’s picture on one tooth, and then maybe your son’s on the other.
Captain Brien: Oh, I like that! Yeah, that’d be cute.
Dr. Freedman: And then they can be like, holding hands.
Captain Brien: That would be very cute. Yes, we’ll link them.
Dr. Freedman: It’s a good look. Yeah, it’s a good look.
Captain Brien: So you said that I have the ability to put something in there, and then they crank it, as well?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, so they’re actually, basically like brackets, like braces,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: But on the inside.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: But, I don’t think it would be very comfortable,
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Freedman: to your tongue. No, can you imagine feeling braces on the inside all the time?
Captain Brien: No, I don’t.
Dr. Freedman: That would be, yeah, no,
Captain Brien: I don’t like that.
Dr. Freedman: With a wire.
Captain Brien: That’s too much.
Dr. Freedman: Yeah, I don’t think that’s good. I think, I think a clear Invisalign
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Freedman: would be a good option.
Captain Brien: But then I have to maintain, that’s what scares me. Is that I’m gonna do that for eight months, and then, I’m gonna be like, Ugh, I don’t wanna do this anymore.
Dr. Freedman: So you kinda have to know yourself.
Captain Brien: Okay. Yeah, I get sick of everything quick.
Dr. Freedman: Yes, If-
Captain Brien: Real quick.
Dr. Freedman: If you’re, you have a fear of commitment.
Captain Brien: Yes.
Dr. Freedman: Then what you need to do. Is something like veneers.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: If you do wanna close the gap.
Captain Brien: And that’s instant,
Dr. Freedman: That’s instant.
Captain Brien: because once you put ’em on? And do you do that, do you go one um,
Dr. Freedman: Two appointments.
Captain Brien: Two appointments? The first appointment you do all the measuring, and all the sizing and fitting?
Dr. Freedman: You do.
Captain Brien: And the second time you put ’em on?
Dr. Freedman: And that day, you leave with temporaries, that are gonna look like your veneers.
Captain Brien: Oh, okay.
Dr. Freedman: So, you’re gonna see what your smile’s gonna look like,
Captain Brien: That’s nice, you have an amazing smile,
Dr. Freedman: and make sure you love it.
Captain Brien: Who did yours?
Dr. Freedman: Thank you. I have, my best friend lives in Melbourne, Florida.
Captain Brien: Okay
Dr. Freedman: And, I went to my best friend from dental school and her husband, and he did my veneers. I have veneers.
Captain Brien: Really? Oh my gosh,
Dr. Freedman: They can look very natural.
Captain Brien: They’re perfect!
Dr. Freedman: Everyone thinks they’re like chiclets, and they can look fake. But you only notice the bad ones.
Captain Brien: That’s true. This is true.
Dr. Freedman: Just like anything else.
Captain Brien: So, do you only do the front two teeth? Or do you do more? To make them look normal?
Dr. Freedman: I would have to do, I would have to measure your teeth, and see the space in your bite,
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Freedman: and then we can determine, because you don’t want two really wide teeth.
Captain Brien: Right, yeah, yeah. I don’t want these two shingles in front of my face.
Dr. Freedman: We want them- exactly.
Captain Brien: That might not be a good look either.
Dr. Freedman: Right.
Captain Brien: Right?
Dr. Freedman: So we would measure your teeth when you come into the office, and we’d see, what’s the best way of closing that space, and making it look natural.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Dr. Freedman: You only notice the bad ones, like anything else.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Dr. Freedman: You don’t notice the ones that look natural.
Captain Brien: Well, Dr.Freedman is in Naples at Bayfront. You’re right at Bayfront there.
Dr. Freedman: I’m right at Bayfront.
Captain Brien: And they can find you on Instagram?
Dr. Freedman: They can.
Captain Brien: How can they find you on Instagram?
Dr. Freedman: They can find me on Instagram, Dr. Saman Freedman, they can find me on Facebook.
Captain Brien: Yes.
Dr. Freedman: They can message me. The office number is 239-238-1176. We have a beautiful office, very calm and serene. And the staff’s great, so.
Captain Brien: So after we do, I still am not convinced on which way I’m going. But, after we do a full like, exam in your office, then we’re gonna do a second show? We’re gonna show everybody?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah. Absolutely.
Captain Brien: Yeah?
Dr. Freedman: Yeah!
Captain Brien: All right, all right. Well, that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to it.
Dr. Freedman: I do see a question that I do wanna address.
Captain Brien: Okay, what’s the question?
Dr. Freedman: It says, do these stain, like with coffee? Coffee, tea,
Captain Brien: I drink coffee every day.
Dr. Freedman: Okay, so you’re fine.
Captain Brien: I’m in trouble.
Dr. Freedman: No, your fine.
Captain Brien: No? I’m good?
Dr. Freedman: That’s the difference between bondings. Composite bondings. And that’s why I prefer the porcelain veneers, because they don’t stain.
Captain Brien: They do not?
Dr. Freedman: They do not stain.
Captain Brien: And those are, do they chip or anything, or no?
Dr. Freedman: They can, like your teeth. You know, your teeth can chip.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Freedman: So they can chip too. And you know, they last a very long time, and if your bite is comfortable, and your bite is where it should be, then you should be fine.
Captain Brien: Okay. Well, you heard it here on the Captain’s Log guys. The Doc’s gonna hook me up with some new tooth. Some toofies. Thanks for watchin’
Dr. Freedman: Thank you for having me.
Captain Brien: I’m gonna be back in a little while as well with round two, the second episode today, the Captain’s Log is coming up. And, we’re gonna discuss my guest Tinder dates, because we did an episode yesterday with Doctor Dollar
Dr. Freedman: ooh!
Captain Brien: about Tinder. Is it good for you health or bad for your health? And we had so many requests, but I have somebody who’s coming on, they’re gonna read us some of their Tinder texts.
Dr. Freedman: Is that the swiping thing?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Freedman: Ah, swipe left or right?
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Freedman: Which one’s good and which one’s bad?
Captain Brien: Right, if you swipe right, it’s good,
Dr. Freedman: Right is good.
Captain Brien: swipe left is bad.
Dr. Freedman: Left bad, okay. Got it.
Captain Brien: And, um, yeah, We’re on.
Dr. Freedman: I’ll be tuning in.
Captain Brien: You’re gonna watch. Be good guys. Thanks for watching!
Dr. Daller and Captain Brien are back on the #naplescaptainslog tackling the topic of online dating this week! Leave us a comment and tell us your good, bad, or just hilarious online dating stories!
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Captain Brien: Welcome back guys, the Captain’s Log, Doctor Dollar. Dolla, you’re gonna talk to me about online dating. And apparently it’s a whole new world.
Dr. Daller: It’s impressive. Y’know I didn’t know much about online dating, and last week you said hey, let’s talk about it. A lot of people are asking, a lot of people are doing that. A lot of, y’know, Captain Bryan, the number one grossing app in the world is Tinder. Number one gross, Tinder, I mean it’s not Netflix, it’s nothing else, it’s Tinder. That’s the app that generates the most amount of money and y’know when I read it the first time I didn’t believe it. I had to Google it couple of times to make sure. Fact check it, because we don’t, everything we say here is a fact.
Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.
Dr. Daller: And that was incredible.
Captain Brien: As a matter of fact it’s a fact.
Dr. Daller: Incredible So Captain Bryan, you remember those days when we used to go in the old days we used to go to the bar and on Friday night you go to the bar and you buy a few drinks and you talk to this girl, and you talk to that girl, and you talk to that girl and at the end of the night if you’re lucky enough, you hope to hook up. And if you’re not, y’know game over until next weekend.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: And today it’s a different.
Captain Brien: Not so much.
Dr. Daller: Not so much.
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Daller: And that atmosphere had changed significantly. I mean people are going on different apps, there are hundreds and hundreds of apps. The most common one obviously is Tinder to hook up, but there’s match.com and eharmony and you name it. And Bumble, and,
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: You know different one. They have apps for gay and lesbians and the apps for all the people and younger people and you name it, there’s an app for it.
Captain Brien: There’s a flavor for everybody.
Dr. Daller: Absolutely. And today we’ll talk about, y’know all these easy, what we call easy hook-ups, are they making you any happier or not. And, y’know, and I did a lot of reading, I read multiple, multiple articles, mainly by psychologists and psychiatrists
Captain Brien: Yup.
Dr. Daller: And article by different University professors. That are, we are going to talk about, y’know what’s the effect on people when they do that versus the old days when we used to go to the bar.
Captain Brien: Interact.
Dr. Daller: And interact with people. Y’know it’s a different era. But again, at the end of the day, at the end of this podcast I want everybody to understand, Tinder and all of them are here to stay.
Captain Brien: They are not going.
Dr. Daller: Yeah, it’s not going away.
Captain Brien: It’s not going away, it’s just going to increase.
Dr. Daller: It’s the only way.
Captain Brien: It’s the only way.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: Hooking up in a bar is over.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: This is not going to be an issue anymore. By the year 2040, 70% of human beings are going that’s the only way they’re going to hook-up.
Captain Brien: They’re gonna meet online.
Dr. Daller: They are going to meet online. That’s it. That’s going to be the online hook-up by 2014, by 2040. Already today, majority of the people are still hooking up that way but.
Captain Brien: They’re saying that not ’till 2040, in 20 years?
Dr. Daller: Yeah in 20 years.
Captain Brien: That’s wrong.
Dr. Daller: Because if you think about it, a lot of people are still hooking up online, but they are not getting married online.
Captain Brien: Right. So you’re saying by 2040, 70% of the people that are married.
Dr. Daller: Are going to get married that way.
Captain Brien: Have met online? Wow.
Dr. Daller: With different apps. Not necessarily Tinder, even though I know couple of people that met on Tinder and they got married..
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: But this is the exception. They, match.com and eharmony and all this stuff, they are here to stay and they’re going to grow bigger and bigger and bigger.
Captain Brien: Hi Brenda, hi Randy, Vicky, how are you guys? We’re talking about online dating with Doctor Dollar.
Dr. Daller: So, Captain Bryan, you remember in the old days. We used to go to the bar and y’know from time to time. Not you, but myself, I used to get rejected.
Captain Brien: Maybe, yeah, no, I’ve been rejected, I’ve been rejected.
Dr. Daller: I got rejected.
Captain Brien: It happened a couple of times.
Dr. Daller: A couple of times.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: And y’know it hurts.
Captain Brien: It hurts.
Dr. Daller: It hurts. But you know what, it was one girl that rejected me and I’m, you know, I moved on. Next weekend I’m back on my game. Here, when you’re on Tinder, it could be 100 girls that you swipe to the right and none of them answer to you.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: So it’s 100 rejections.
Captain Brien: So how does that feel?
Dr. Daller: It feels awful because y’know, we know from neuroscience, we know that a broken heart, the brain does not know the different between a broken heart and a broken bone. It’s the same mechanism.
Captain Brien: Randy said I’d never get rejected, yes I do, sometimes I do.
Dr. Daller: Captain Bryan is an exception. So he is exception but ask normal people, we get rejected from time to time and we know how it feels. A broken heart and a broken bone is the same mechanism in the brain. The brain does not know the difference.
Captain Brien: Really?
Dr. Daller: Absolutely. It’s the same, exactly the same thing. And y’know when you go on Tinder, and you swipe 100 girls to the right and you know I learned all these tricks about swiping to the right swiping to the left.
Captain Brien: Did you go on and swipe?
Dr. Daller: No.
Captain Brien: You had to test this.
Dr. Daller: I had to test it,
Captain Brien: I’ve tested, I’ve given it a good once over,
Dr. Daller: Of course.
Captain Brien: a couple of times. It’s part of taking one for the team.
Dr. Daller: That’s right.
Dr. Daller: That’s how we take one for the team.
Captain Brien: I have to do this serious research.
Dr. Daller: That’s right.
Captain Brien: I can’t talk out of school in this subject.
Dr. Daller: Absolutely. You have to know, I mean you preach what you practice and you practice what you preach.
Captain Brien: That’s right. That’s right.
Dr. Daller: Absolutely. So again, if you swipe 100 girls to the right.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: And none of them answer, it’s 100 rejections. Also if you go on a date today when you wanna go.
Captain Brien: Let me interrupt you.
Dr. Daller: Yeah, go ahead.
Captain Brien: If you swipe 100 girls and you get no’s every time it’s a rejection. But, it’s not the same as going up to someone’s face and them saying I’m sorry, I’m not interested. Because, depending on the person, they may take that to heart. They may not.
Dr. Daller: I disagree. So, here you know, social media, whether it’s on Facebook or Instagram or on Tinder, it does affect human beings so it affects. I know for a fact that when we post something and we see, we posted about the, you know, anything. A video and we had 15,000 people watch that video it makes me feel good.
Captain Brien: Right, of course.
Dr. Daller: And if we have only 1,500 people watch it I feel like what happened?
Captain Brien: Damn, yeah.
Dr. Daller: Captain Bryan, I mean we have a great topic we had a great, we did homework, it’s great content.
Dr. Daller: How come only 1,500 people watch it?
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: You know I have a video on YouTube about the P show that I do, and half a million people watched it.
Dr. Daller: And I say oh my God, I feel like a rockstar.
Captain Brien: Course.
Dr. Daller: And I have another video about prostate cancer, and only seven people watched it. And I feel like oh my God, I’m a loser.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: So that does affect you as a person, today and you know I’m looking at my kids and other things, you know when kids are bullying other kids if they don’t put a like it’s as if they are bullying them. You know it doesn’t take much to feel like, oh you know I’m rejected. So, that feeling of rejection is awful. And the amount, the number of patients, and you know doing the research for this podcast, I learned different terms like ghosting, you know what ghosting is?
Captain Brien: Ghosting, Yes, of course.
Dr. Daller: I didn’t know what ghosting.
Captain Brien: That’s when you all of the sudden just get left hanging. They respond and then nothing.
Dr. Daller: And you can do that with Tinder.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: But in real life, you know when you met somebody you pick them up from the house, you went to dinner you gave her your cell phone, those, we didn’t ghost anybody.
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Daller: What do you mean ghost. I mean you don’t like the person you say hey,
Captain Brien: Yeah but you don’t call them and you walk away.
Dr. Daller: Let’s go for cup of coffee, we are, there’s no chemistry, you understand? So I used to use the word chemistry because I believe in chemistry among human beings and sometimes there’s no chemistry and you move on. But here, just to be left and, because with ghosting, you feel like maybe there’s hope, maybe that person is going to connect with me.
Captain Brien: But I think they ghost, here’s why they ghost.
Dr. Daller: Yes.
Captain Brien: Here’s why. Because online dating is very quick. You get a lotta different hits. You can swipe on 100 different people, right.
Dr. Daller: Yes, yes.
Captain Brien: So there could be 12 people talking to you. So then the girl doesn’t have time, she ghosts them.
Dr. Daller: Yes.
Captain Brien: Y’know? I think that’s what happens.
Dr. Daller: But it hurts, it hurts.
Captain Brien: It hurts.
Dr. Daller:That’s the bottom line. Tat person is wounded,
Captain Brien: That chaps your ass, it really does.
Dr. Daller: It does, it does. And y’know, and again, let’s talk about the fact, Captain Bryan, do you know how many people lie on their content when you write your story on Tinder.
Captain Brien: I bet you it’s 70%.
Dr. Daller: 95.
Captain Brien: 95%!
Dr. Daller: Who lies more, men or women? Let’s see if you know.
Dr. Daller: Who lies more, men or women?
Captain Brien: It’s gotta be women.
Dr. Daller: That’s right. How did you know that? I thought I was sure men lie more.
Captain Brien: Why do the women lie?
Dr. Daller: Women lie about their looks. They put a picture from several years ago.
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Dr. Daller: They put a picture when they were skinny, or when they were blonde, or when they were this.
Captain Brien: And you know what, that’s why they ghost, that’s my theory. Half the time they won’t meet because they’re not even in the same damn person!
Dr. Daller: And y’know when you start the relationship on the false premise, that’s a problem. The chances that this is gonna move to the next stage when you already lied about something, y’know it’s a problem. Let’s see if you know what men lie about.
Captain Brien: Their income.
Dr. Daller: That’s right. Men lie about, you could write this article, men lie about their finance, about their finances.
Dr. Daller: They always make themselves making much more money.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Dr. Daller: Or their in a different position, and again, that’s a problem. You can do it with Tinder because you can hook up once, you can lie about you being a hot shot, even though you’re not a hot shot. So again, the premise of lying all the time, that’s not a good start of the relationship.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: When we, y’know, 20 years ago, we didn’t lie. We were ourselves. As a matter of fact if anything we downgraded ourselves. I always made myself, y’know I used to wear my raggedy T-shirt and my jeans and I’m not trying to impress anybody. You like me because I’m funny, you like me because I’m smart. You like me because of my looks, I don’t care what.
Dr. Daller: There’s chemistry, there’s chemistry. There’s no chemistry.
Captain Brien: But you didn’t have on the online dating, you can actually search according to the age and distance.
Dr. Daller: Right.
Captain Brien: So you didn’t have the perimeters where you just could set the distance in the bar.
Dr. Daller: Right.
Captain Brien: Or the age, or the area of how many girls you wanted to meet. You just walked into the bar and who’s in the bar is who you meet. That’s it.
Captain Brien: That’s who you’re stuck with, but not online. Not online. You have a much broader audience.
Dr. Daller: Right, no the audience is remarkable I mean the pool is so deep, I mean we had a very shallow pool with like, in the bar, a couple of girls and y’know, sometimes none. So here it’s, you have millions of people. You know how many swipes on Tinder every day people swipe, how many, how many swipes they get?
Captain Brien: A billion.
Dr. Daller: 1.6 billion.
Captain Brien: More than a billion?
Dr. Daller: 1.6 billion a day, a day!
Captain Brien: These are horny little guys out there.
Dr. Daller: Amazing, How many,
Captain Brien: How many are girls and how many are guys?
Dr. Daller: How many, how many, I’ll ask you the question.
Dr. Daller: How many hook-ups = day occurs on Tinder? For that one I told you already, 1.6 billion swipes, how many hook-ups?
Captain Brien: I don’t know.
Dr. Daller: 1.5 million.
Captain Brien: 1.5 million connections a day?
Dr. Daller: Correct, connection a day.
Dr. Daller: 1.5 million, a lot!
Captain Brien: That’s good for your business Doc.
Dr. Daller: It’s very good.
Captain Brien: Good for you.
Dr. Daller: Yes it is growing up, y’know because of STD and everything else. Yes it is good for the business because people care about sex and care but, STD does involve with that as well. So that’s a different topic for a different conversation and a different time.
Captain Brien: 1.5.
Dr. Daller: 1.5.
Captain Brien: Is that worldwide or in the U.S.
Dr. Daller: Worldwide.
Captain Brien: Worldwide
Dr. Daller: So 1.6 billion worldwide on Tinder everywhere and y’know first time I learned about Tinder I was on a plane. I was sitting in business class and right next to me was a nice guy and he was telling me about, y’know him getting engaged and all the stuff and showing me the pictures of his fiance and we were flying to a foreign country I won’t say which one. And he asked me about Tinder. I say I heard about it but I don’t know how it works. And he told me that when he leaves the country, he goes on Tinder because in the country, he doesn’t want anybody to know.
Captain Brien: Oh, and then he puts his like.
Dr. Daller: He puts is location.
Captain Brien: His location on where he is.
Dr. Daller: Of where he is over there so he can hook up.
Captain Brien: Not a nice guy. You introduced this conversation by you met a nice guy on the airplane. And next thing you know you turn it on me and you tell me the guy is out there trying to bang every girl in every country.
Dr. Daller: Unbelievable, but at least he doesn’t do it at home.
Captain Brien: Yeah, not in the U.S., that’s good, that’s good. What a nice guy.
Dr. Daller: What a good guy. Very, very nice guy.
Captain Brien: I don’t think Tinder is just for hook-ups though.
Dr. Daller: Good question. So I did some research and I asked bunch of people in the last few days you know about their apps and what’s the purpose of the app.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: So when it comes to, for example, match.com, that’s more relationship. eharmony, more relationship. But most people that are on Tinder that I asked, and this was not hundreds of people, maybe 17 people.
Captain Brien: This is a survey from everybody in the car?
Dr. Daller: That’s a survey from everybody riding with me. And I say, what is the objective, what’s your objective here. And most people told me that Tinder was designed for hook-ups. Now, is it true that some people get married from Tinder? Yes, I know some people that got married from Tinder.
Captain Brien: I know somebody that got married from Tinder, from Bumble,
Dr. Daller: Yes.
Captain Brien: Yeah, I know, it does work.
Dr. Daller: Sure, and again, can it work? Absolutely. But the premise, you have to start with being honest with yourself. Don’t start by lying, that you are a sea of proctor and gamble.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: And at the end, you are nobody. You don’t have a job, that’s, obviously this is going nowhere.
Captain Brien: So, you said that there’s a lot of negative effects. But what about the people who are afraid to meet people face to face, but yet behind their computer or on their phone, they’re much more able to interact with people, and then they can make that connection, that’s good for them, no?
Dr. Daller: No, not really.
Captain Brien: Oh, okay good.
Dr. Daller: You want to promote your own self-esteem? You want to promote your honest? Face to face will promote your own self-esteem. When you are hiding behind something, behind the computer, behind your smartphone, behind anything like that, you are not going to promote your self-esteem. The way you promote, the reason you are doing well is because you have, obviously you are very good with Facebook and Instagram and all this stuff.
Captain Brien: Wait, doing well with that, with that? He says I’m doing well.
Dr. Daller: The next Jeff Bezos is sitting next to me, y’know? You never know. You never know. I mean you are very good. You present yourself. Your disposition is very good Captain Bryan. When it comes to Instagram, when it comes to Facebook, but you have a great disposition in real life. You have a great disposition when you are at the Comedy Club, or when we go somewhere or you’re on radio with Big Mama.
Captain Brien: So you have to follow through onto your online profile.
Dr. Daller: Absolutely. You cannot hide behind the desk all day, and try to swipe to the left, swipe to the right. At the end of the day you’ll have to meet that person.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: You have to charm them.
Captain Brien: That’s why they ghost. That’s why. They get to the point where they get to that, when it’s time to meet, and all of the sudden they don’t do it.
Dr. Daller: I know but even LeBron James go to the court and play basketball. You cannot play video games and pretend like you are LeBron James. That doesn’t work. In real life, you have to do it in real life. You have to actually practice. You are practicing going out, you are doing that stuff. And sometimes you get one rejection, you are not good at something, same with sex and everything else that we do. Not always it’s great and you work on it and you make it better and better and better.
Captain Brien: So, how much research did you do on this topic?
Dr. Daller: A lot.
Captain Brien: You did.
Dr. Daller: I was fascinated, Captain Brien. I was fascinated.
Captain Brien: I told you it was a big topic, I keep getting messages.
Dr. Daller: You know what.
Captain Brien: I have a girl tomorrow on the podcast who actually is doing a lot of online dating, and she wants to talk about some of the stories that she has.
Dr. Daller: I love it.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Captain Brien: So we’re gonna do a double feature tomorrow.
Dr. Daller: What time is that going to happen?
Captain Brien: That’s gonna be at 10 am I believe tomorrow.
Dr. Daller: I am going to try to listen tomorrow to that. That’s going to be amazing. And again, when I did the research, a lot of scammers. A lot of scam artists. People stealing money and stuff like that. Be smart. Common sense. I don’t understand people have no common sense. Why are you giving your real phone number if you are just trying, if you don’t know that person. Why would you give anybody your financial information to begin with.
Captain Brien: They do that?
Dr. Daller: They do that.
Captain Brien: On Tinder.
Dr. Daller: On Tinder. They give their financial. Oh, I want to help you, I’m the Prince from Nigeria. Do I look like a Prince from Nigeria? Look at me. I mean, give me your money. Give me a million, I give you three million in return.
Captain Brien: What a deal.
Dr. Daller: Hey, what a deal, I’m the Prince of Nigeria and I want a million from you, I give you three million in a day. Really, there are no deals like that.
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Daller: Be very, very careful.
Captain Brien: What’s the number one thing people wanna know about each other when they’re online dating. The first thing.
Dr. Daller: It depends. On Tinder, it’s looks. Looks is key. And they did research about that, that’s what’s very interesting. So I read an article about this psychologists from the West Coast. And he put a picture, a fake picture on Tinder.
Captain Brien: Right.
Dr. Daller: Of a good-looking girl.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: And then, she wrote it all with spelling mistakes about who she is and everything was like screw that big time.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: And in two days, she got 400 people that ask her for stuff. Swiped and all. And it was a mess. I mean, you look at her, what she wrote, what she liked, she doesn’t like music and she doesn’t like to read and she doesn’t like anything!
Captain Brien: So they tried to make the worst profile they could with a good-looking picture.
Dr. Daller: With a good-looking picture.
Captain Brien: And what about the ugly profile with the great?
Dr. Daller: Right, so when it comes to what girls want and what guys want, it’s completely different. Guys, you know what they want? The good looks. And they want young girl. So young girl, 18 years old, 20 years old.
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Dr. Daller: Goes very, very well for guys. And for girls, they look at money.
Captain Brien: They look at money.
Dr. Daller: They look at money.
Dr. Daller: So, people with money do better. Now, it’s not true for all professions. For example, if you are an engineer or if you work for H.R., Human Resource, and you have money, people don’t like you. I don’t know why, but H.R. has a bad connotation.
Captain Brien: Really?
Dr. Daller: It was H.R. probably was against this.
Captain Brien: He’s a bastard he’s in H.R., really?
Dr. Daller: He’s a snitch, they say. He works for H.R. he must be a snitch.
Captain Brien: You can’t be, you can’t put H.R., okay.
Dr. Daller: So, stuff like that, you don’t care. Also for women, I was amazed that men don’t like women with higher level of education. For example, they like women just with undergrad. But women that have a PHD or Doctorate or anything like that, men are more,
Captain Brien: They get a lot of swipe lefts?
Dr. Daller: They get a lot of them because, I don’t want some smart aleck here telling me y’know that she is a, y’know, Albert Einstein. I want somebody that is good-looking with an undergrad, and she’s young.
Captain Brien: Okay, so now the question I guess I have is if you’re, what’s better for your ego, Bumble, where the women pick, or Tinder, where either one can pick.
Dr. Daller: I think, you know, again, from my understanding, Tinder, that either one pick and you know what you have, left and right, and y’know there’s still a chance, do you understand? If you are not, the other thing that I learned that most people are going to shoot higher than what they can. So they,
Captain Brien: They swipe on girls who they think, if they get a chance.
Dr. Daller: They know they have no chance.
Captain Brien: Yeah, no chance.
Dr. Daller: I mean what are you doing?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: I mean you are going for amazing girls that are way out of your league. As a matter of fact, 25% out of your league. So there’s no way, there’s no way.
Captain Brien: So you gotta stay in your league. You gotta stay in your lane.
Dr. Daller: Right, and if you do that, you’re going to hook-up with the right girl, that is going to be a good match for you, and it’s going to all work out. But if you’re going to go way above your league, and then you’re going to be disappointed. And you’re hoping for that one girl who’s going to be wow, he is, she is amazing and he’s mediocre, that will not work.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: Again, this is a fairy tale, it doesn’t work. it works only in Beauty and the Beast.
Captain Brien: That would be like going on Match, they’re not gonna match you together.
Dr. Daller: That’s correct.
Captain Brien: So you gotta stay in the lanes. Alright. So, do you think that the 2040 time frame of 75% of people using online to get married, do you think that that’s gonna be a good thing for us or a bad thing?
Dr. Daller: You know I saw some people ask hey, so what if you’re finding only bad things? I found some good stuff. You know I encourage my patients.
Captain Brien: Hey Mandy how are you, I’m just saying hi to Joe, Joe, Marie, Helen, how are you? Hey guys, Randy, alright they’re all on there watching. Say hi guys.
Dr. Daller: I love it, I love it Hey guys. So you know, what’s the good about posting stuff and Instagram and Facebook. For example Captain Bryan, and if you needed to lose weight, I would encourage you to go on Instagram and write your goals, because that will improve your ability to lose weight.
Captain Brien: The new thing with the models are is they just go on, they Face Tune their body. Did you see the new account that’s calling out all the Instagram models?
Captain Brien: And they show the real picture, and the fake picture all these hot booties you see on Instagram? They’re all fake.
Dr. Daller: Oh really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, all these girls that have millions of followers, they show the,
Dr. Daller: How, in real life.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. They show the real two pictures. It’s called, what the heck’s it called, fake, damn I don’t know you can go on 1055 The Beat. I know that because the story’s on there today. And they have it it’s the Instagram story of the account.
Dr. Daller: But if you want to lose weight and you show everybody you know, these are my goals. I’m going to go and I’m going to post a picture of myself every day, and how I’m losing, then that’s going to motivate you. If you want to quit smoking and you go to tell the entire world why, it’s going to motivate you because if you start smoking again, you are going to feel like a loser.
Captain Brien: Right
Dr. Daller: So do that. Same thing with, you know, be honest with yourself. I do see something good about you know, being honest with your say, stay with your own type of people. When I say own type of people, if you are highly-educated person, stay with highly-educated. And there is an app for that, there’s an app for everything.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: You name it, every pot has a lid, everybody has a cover. You can find the right person, but he honest, be truthful, don’t try to, and again.
Captain Brien: And use pictures that are currently updated and not Photoshopped.
Dr. Daller: And the problem with Tinder, that a lot of people are using it just to get laid, just to hook up. And you know those people because their profile, and again there’s a study about that.
Captain Brien: What did they say?
Dr. Daller: Their profile is very short. The shorter the profile,
Captain Brien: The hornier they are?
Dr. Daller: The hornier they are.
Captain Brien: Son of a gun, I’m going after the wrong ones!
Dr. Daller: They are saying, you know.
Captain Brien: Jesus.
Dr. Daller: I’m honest and attractive and I want to spend time hiking and,
Captain Brien: And no hook-ups, that’s a guarantee that they wanna hook up.
Dr. Daller: Correct, and being honest. You saying I’m honest, it doesn’t cut it. You don’t need to say I’m honest, you don’t see the obvious stuff. I’m very truthful, obviously you’re lying to me. So, the longer, what you write about yourself and the more descriptive it is, the more truthful it looks, and the better the chances for a real match versus just a hook-up.
Captain Brien:What about the hook-up? They like the shorter ones or they’re gonna read the longer ones?
Dr. Daller: Between you and I, if you have a great picture, nobody reads too much, if you have an amazing picture.
Captain Brien: Yeah, they just swipe them right away.
Dr. Daller: So if you write, so it depends on what’s your objective here. If you’re objective is to hook up with a sexy young girl, you know, great picture, and just say I’m making ton of money, that’s good enough. Now, if you want to have a match that is going to be some long-lasting relationship, you have to write about I like to play golf, I like to play tennis, I like to do, because again, or I’m a Republican or I’m a Democrat because at the end of the day it’s very difficult if you’re a Republican to live with a Democrat. If you’re a Democrat to live with a Republican. Does it happen? Yes it does, but at the end of the day if you are crazy Republican or crazy Democrat, it’s going to be very difficult for you to be in a relationship with the opposite.
Captain Brien: What if you post a picture in your bikini, and it’s you’re first picture? I think that’s a winner.
Captain Brien: I think that’s the.
Dr. Daller: For sure, for sure.
Captain Brien: That’s the way to go to get the swipes.
Dr. Daller: For sure, for sure, for sure.
Captain Brien: And that tells the truth.
Dr. Daller: Absolutely.
Captain Brien: I think if you’re good, then it knows. If you’re not good, it tells you right away. Doesn’t have to be a perfect picture.
Dr. Daller: Oh my God. Oh my God. But again, I truly enjoy doing all the research for this, for this program. It was eye-opener.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Dr. Daller: Just, you know, to see how many people are doing it. Ten years ago, there was a stigma involved with that.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Dr. Daller: Today, there’s no more stigma.
Captain Brien: No.
Dr. Daller: Everybody’s on it.
Captain Brien: Everbody’s doing it.
Dr. Daller: Yeah of course, I’m on it, I’m sure that Congress members, members of Congress, and Senators and the President, they’re all on it.
Captain Brien: They’re on a Raya.
Dr. Daller: Oh, there is one for,
Captain Brien: There’s one called a Raya. That’s for celebrities.
Dr. Daller: Oh really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, and that’s where the celebrities and stuff meet. And you have to get approved.
Dr. Daller: You got in. He got, Captain Brien, got it.
Captain Brien: I don’t know about a Raya, I don’t know.
Dr. Daller: And you don’t hook me up with any of that a Raya. What kind of a name is that.
Captain Brien: That’s for the big shots.
Dr. Daller: Really, for the hot shots there?
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s where they are. Well guys listen, we’re gonna be back tomorrow, I know that we have more on this topic, you can send us your messages. I hope that you learned something today. If you didn’t, I hope you enjoyed it and had fun watching anyway, ’cause Doctor Dollar is doing a lot of work for us, getting all the research taken care of, and then we just have a good time talking about it, ’cause I appreciate your time, I appreciate all your knowledge Doc, and every Tuesday you have so many great stuff.
Dr. Daller: Thank you buddy.
Captain Brien: To talk about. Thanks for watching guys, this is the Captain’s Log, and we’ll be back. We’ll see you tomorrow. We’re out.
Comedian Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-E rides along with Captain B as they rap some tunes for the #naplescaptainslog
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Eric Schwartz: ♪ I’m sad ♪ ♪ Drippin’ in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ Need advice ♪ ♪ Hit up TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Ooh the happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Is it true? ♪ ♪ The land of the snowboards ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles ♪ ♪ Into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ ♪ If you don’t have a nice car ♪ ♪ You probably ain’t from Naples ♪ ♪ Where they live up to the name ♪ ♪ Of the knee-high acres ♪ ♪ If don’t root for the Pats ♪ ♪ You’re a straight-up traitor ♪ ♪ Where they release pets to the Everglades ♪ ♪ And they have bunch of chupacabras and skunk apes ♪ ♪ I’m hype with the trip ♪ ♪ But I gotta ask the people ♪ ♪ If I do make the visit ♪ ♪ You gotta show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Where 69 degrees means it’s winter season ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Up in Immokalee they got the orange juice squeezin’ ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Myers is lovely but also kinda foggy ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ They act all boujee ’til they hit the clubs ♪ ♪ But they got a lot of sea shells ♪ ♪ Even more golf courses ♪ ♪ Keeping them exclusive security forces ♪ ♪ Got kicked off the fairway ♪ ♪ Wasn’t fair ♪ ♪ They were like sir ♪ ♪ This is a cemetery ♪ ♪ Oops my bad ♪ ♪ They’re both green lawns ♪ ♪ One’s eighteen holes ♪ ♪ One’s a whole four one ♪ ♪ But now my golf cart’s dead ♪ ♪ Do you have jumper cables? ♪ ♪ And while you’re at it ♪ ♪ Why don’t you show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Misery Nap ♪ ♪ Down the cape in the rock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Got the beaches on fleek ♪ ♪ Grandparents on lock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Giving that shine ♪ ♪ To the two three nine ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me yours ♪ ♪ I’ll show you mine ♪ ♪ Oh you know it’s on ♪ ♪ We got Brian Spina on the Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ Stop drop and laugh ♪ ♪ That’s how we do it in the present ♪ ♪ Never the past ♪ ♪ We goin’ to the future ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ We got y’all tunin’ in ♪ ♪ And how are you doin’ today ♪ ♪ It’s a nice day ♪ ♪ It’s a Thursday ♪ ♪ Oo-Wee hey ♪
Captain Brien: Now that’s a frickin’ intro, dude.
Eric Schwartz: That’s how we do it.
Captain Brien: I need that every time. Welcome to the Captain’s Log, guys. Eric Schwartz is live,
Eric Schwartz: What’s up, dude?
Captain Brien: What’s up, buddy.
Eric Schwartz: Two hands on the wheel.
Captain Brien: Love it. I know, I know, look, I’m gonna turn on auto-drive, so we’re good.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna be half-driving auto.
Eric Schwartz: You have a self-driving car already?
Captain Brien: A little bit-
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien: A little bit.
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien:It’ll do halfway.
Eric Schwartz: This is the biggest multitasker on the internet. He’s running a comedy club, he’s going live, he’s taking the comedian to radio, and he’s driving.
Captain Brien: They’re gonna have to pay attention to the road.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and driving a coffee.
Captain Brien: And drink.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and drink. I feel secure in this guy’s hands because I’ve watched him on the Captain’s Log, we were having a conversation on the way up here, and I went like this, I went like this: “Are we on the air right now?”
Captain Brien: It wasn’t live, it wasn’t.
Eric Schwartz: It wasn’t live, so I dropped my f-bombs.
Captain Brien: You keep it smooth though.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Captain Brien: So we were just talking about this, you literally haven’t, this is the first appearance-
Eric Schwartz: On the Captain’s Log, yes.
Captain Brien: On the show, and we’ve been working together for, what?
Eric Schwartz: I think I was maybe in your first year you ever did comedy.
Captain Brien: Yeah, so like 14 years we’ve been together.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, when you were in Marco Island. Fourteen years? Has it been fourteen years? Dude, we’re getting old.
Eric Schwartz: What?
Captain Brien: We’re getting old.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my god.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s been a while. Hey Kelsey, what’s up? Hey Mary, how’re you guys doing? Thank you for watching. Eric Schwartz is our guest. Tell them how they can find you on Instagram and Facebook, because you post amazing content, you’re a multi-medium.
Eric Schwartz: Multi-comedian.
Captain Brien: Oh, I got it wrong.
Eric Schwartz: No, it’s okay.
Captain Brien: It’s something you made up, ’cause that’s not in the English Dictionary.
Eric Schwartz: No, not yet, not yet.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s coming.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, but multi-media meets comedy, that’s the show that I’m doing at the moment, it’s a really fun show, music, as you just saw, visuals, as you will see in the future, and stand-up comedy. At the base it’s stand-up comedy, and then it bridges off into all these cool fun things. But you can find me on Instagram, @eeericschwartz, with three e’s, e-e-e-r-i-c s-c-h-w-a-r-t-z-
Captain Brien: So fun to watch, guys, always doing something creative, something original. How’d you get into comedy?
Eric Schwartz: I started, actually, on the pool deck with my swim buddies, and I loved SNL, I loved stand-up, and I would recite other peoples’ material to my friends in high school, and they were like, “You’re funny, you should be a comedian,” and I never really took it seriously, I was like “I don’t have any of my own material”, and I started writing stuff down, and when I got to college, I’ve always been like a self-starter, so I would put on my own shows in the dorms, and I did a-
Captain Brien: I always threw my own parties, too,
Eric Schwartz: Did you?
Captain Brien: So maybe that’s why I do the comedy club thing, ’cause I’m still having a party every weekend.
Eric Schwartz: It’s kind of an extension of your high school self.
Captain Brien: It is.
Eric Schwartz: Except now, your parents can come home, you’ll be fine. I saw your parents last night at the club.
Captain Brien: They’re awesome, they’re there every night, they never not laugh.
Eric Schwartz: They’re awesome.
Captain Brien: They love every joke, even if they see it 10 times.
Eric Schwartz: I would come here, honestly, I would come here even if I weren’t performing for your restaurant.
Captain Brien: Thanks, man.
Eric Schwartz: It is so-
Captain Brien: I appreciate that.
Eric Schwartz: Because your mom’s key lime pie?
Captain Brien: The best.
Eric Schwartz: Dude, can I send one of those home?
Captain Brien: You can .
Eric Schwartz: Can I really?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Captain Brien: For real? Yeah, we’re good, I’ll send you home with some key lime pie, some vodka, some rum, you’ll be Captain Brian all around.
Eric Schwartz: I talk about it so much, my girlfriend, sorry ladies, my girlfriend-
Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s taken, ladies.
Eric Schwartz: I felt-
Captain Brien: Damn! Talk about a buzzkill on the Log, bro.
Eric Schwartz: I’m sorry, dude.
Captain Brien: That’s horrible.
Eric Schwartz: I just- She likes when I talk about her now because it was getting crazy.
Captain Brien: Too much.
Eric Schwartz: It was too much.
Captain Brien: They want the baldness.
Eric Schwartz: Is that what it is?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is, I mean, people do want to touch this, you know? They want this in their lives, and-
Captain Brien: All up in their lives.
Eric Schwartz: But to be honest, you don’t know, as a bald guy, you don’t have a problem-
Captain Brien: I’m getting there, I could be close. I’m trying to save it, though, I’ve been doing all kinds of stuff.
Eric Schwartz: Really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I did the injections, the PRP, where they take the white blood cells out of your blood, and they put it back in.
Eric Schwartz: Wow, stem cells and the like, is that what that is?
Captain Brien: Well, it’s the PRP, it’s the white blood cells, yes, of your blood, which is the healing power, and it’s like magic for everything.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my god!
Captain Brien: We can do everything these days.
Eric Schwartz: Can they put them in your eyes?
Captain Brien: They put them in literally your joints, they put them in your junk, anywhere they put ’em, it helps it.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my, wow!
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Eric Schwartz: These are sealed over, though, there’s no coming back.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s waxed.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is waxed, this is like if you’ve laminated paper, there’s no way you can get it out. But, I mean, people want to touch it all the time, and I know that you feel like it has magical powers or something, it doesn’t, like you’re not gonna feel it and be like “I felt a kick!”
Captain Brien: Nah, it’s not like a baby.
Eric Schwartz: It’s not like a baby.
Captain Brien: It looks so smooth, though!
Eric Schwartz: It does, it does, it looks smooth, it is smooth-
Captain Brien: I wouldn’t look as good-
Eric Schwartz: I just shaved it.
Captain Brien: As you, though, if I shaved, if I went bald, there’s no way I could pull it off, I don’t think, so I’m worried.
Eric Schwartz: You’d be fine! You’d be fine. As long as you don’t have a pug handle-
Captain Brien: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have that. Do they get that from, is that like a muscle, fat, or just inherited?
Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, it’s just-
Captain Brien: I don’t have that.
Eric Schwartz: Sometimes, yeah, people just get like a pug pattern.
Captain Brien: What if they have a couple? Like it’s kind of cute to look at a couple.
Eric Schwartz: It is.
Captain Brien: A couple rolls in the back?
Eric Schwartz: I feel like I wanna take those guys and pick them up by the back of their necks.
Captain Brien: But they’re usually kind of big dudes.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, they are.
Captain Brien: You never see a little dude with a bunch of little-
Eric Schwartz: You really don’t. Like Brad Williams? That’s be cute.
Captain Brien: We love Brad.
Eric Schwartz: Shoutout to Brad.
Captain Brien: Didn’t we do a show with Brad here with you or no?
Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, we used to do a lot of shows together, like in LA, the format is a little different with standup, where you do what’s called showcase style, and it’s like a bunch of people on a show, and we used to do a ton of shows together, and always really funny, and then his first special, I was doing interviews, it was at a comedy festival, and if you look at his first special, I think I’m in the intro interviewing him.
Captain Brien: Oh really?
Eric Schwartz: Like for a second.
Captain Brien: That’s awesome, that’s like your big credit?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, that’s my credit.
Captain Brien: That’s your cred, dog, street cred.
Eric Schwartz: That’s my cred.
Captain Brien: You got another song you wanna play for me?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, let’s do it.
Captain Brien: This guy can sing, he can dance, he can rap, he can give you tech support.
Eric Schwartz: That’s true.
Captain Brien: Right?
Eric Schwartz: I represent for the underrepresented.
Captain Brien: It’s what it is.
Eric Schwartz: I feel that myself, and there’s a lot of hip-hop that I love, but it doesn’t represent everybody, like every song you hear about women is always about women with big butts, which is great-
Captain Brien: I cannot lie.
Eric Schwartz: I can’t lie, right? My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
Captain Brien: Hey, Mandy, Jose, what’s happening? So before you start the song, I want to tell you that, one, I think you’re my sister’s and my niece’s favorite comic.
Eric Schwartz: Serious?
Captain Brien: Yeah, my sister, Charlene, and my niece Ariana, they were texting me this morning, “Oh my god, Eric’s in town! “That’s so great! “When is he coming back?”, they told me-
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien: Your number one fans,
Eric Schwartz: Okay.
Captain Brien: No, before I bought you in.
Captain Brien: Number one fans, they actually fanboy on you, and they made me bring you back.
Eric Schwartz: Nice!
Captain Brien: Not that I wasn’t gonna, but they were begging, like, “When is he coming back? “We have to have him.” They love the songs, so hit me with a beat.
Eric Schwartz: Okay, so this one is for all the girls that don’t have the big butts, okay? You’re a flat booty girl in a fat booty world, this one is for you. ♪ Flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ ♪ She’s a flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ I learned this dance right here from 2 Chainz, you know 2 Chainz?
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s how it is?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah. ♪ No tushy ♪ ♪ No booty ♪ ♪ No buttocks ♪ ♪ No bottom ♪ ♪ Flat like an iPad ♪ ♪ Apple bottom ♪ ♪ Don’t get me wrong ♪ ♪ I love ’em big and round ♪ ♪ But when she droppin’ low ♪ ♪ She got the same curves as the ground ♪ ♪ Sometimes I get tired ♪ ♪ That girl sat on my jacket ♪ ♪ It came out ironed ♪ ♪ She save a lot of space ♪ ♪ Without the big ol’ booty ♪ ♪ Her butt fits in a cup holder at the movies ♪ ♪ She got a shinin’ like a tiny diamond ♪ ♪ Took as long to find it ♪ ♪ As it took to find Bin Laden ♪ ♪ She got me reaching for the bee sting ♪ ♪ Makin’ g-strings out of tea string ♪ ♪ She makin’ skinny jeans baggy ♪ ♪ Lady where that ass be ♪ ♪ Makin’ Paris Hilton ♪ ♪ Look like Kim Kardashi ♪ ♪ And when she bent over for a spanking ♪ ♪ I thought she was blanking ♪ ♪ ‘Cause she’s a flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Jew Chainz ♪ That’s me, Jew Chainz, all right.
Captain Brien: That’s a good jam.
Eric Schwartz: Thanks, it’s for everybody. ♪ I’m talkin’ white girls ♪ ♪ Black girls ♪ ♪ Especially my Asians ♪ ♪ Bring that flat booty to ♪
Captain Brien: I like this.
Eric Schwartz: ♪ This caucasian ♪ ♪ Latin girls with no curves ♪ ♪ Mommy let me see your ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damilas tortillas ♪ ♪ Middle Eastern girls ♪ ♪ If your figure ain’t the fullest ♪ ♪ Bring me the pita ♪ ♪ I got the hummus ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ We’re making it flatter ♪ ♪ You got the pancakes ♪ ♪ I got the batter ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ That’s for all y’all.
Captain Brien: That’s right.
Eric Schwartz: Out there.
Captain Brien: Any booty’s a good booty.
Eric Schwartz: Any booty’s a good booty.
Captain Brien: I don’t have to hate on a booty if it’s not big. I’m not a big booty guy.
Eric Schwartz: You’re not?
Captain Brien: No, no.
Eric Schwartz: Too much butt?
Captain Brien: Too much butt is too much for me.
Eric Schwartz: Too much for you, I like all kinds of booty. If you have a big butt, don’t think that I don’t like you.
Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
Eric Schwartz: Don’t lie.
Captain Brien: A small butt’s still good, like I’m not gonna hate on a little booty.
Eric Schwartz: It’s what’s inside the butt- oh no, that doesn’t really make sense.
Captain Brien: No, it’s not .
Eric Schwartz: Not really.
Captain Brien: April, what’s what’s goin’ on? Mandy, thank you for watching. Smooth E, AKA Eric Schwartz, Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend, he’s on the Captain’s Log right now, guys, let us know where you’re watching from, your favorite comedian-rapper ever, I know. So do you write these lyrics all the time?
Captain Brien: What do you do?
Eric Schwartz: Yes, so, like, for example, the Naples song that I did-
Captain Brien: You were like “Yo, B, “I’m gonna write a-” I don’t know if you really said “Yo, B-”
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, I did.
Captain Brien: You did? I tried to make that sound cool.
Eric Schwartz: When you said it-
Captain Brien: You were like, “Hey, I wanna write a song about Naples “and what should I say?”, and I gave you a couple hints, and then you, dude, you blew it up, you ran with it. You showed everyone your Naples.
Eric Schwartz: I just showed my Naples. I just showed my Naples. So I research it, like I ask people who live in the city, I’ve done probably about a dozen of these songs about places-
Captain Brien: It’s a great date, too.
Eric Schwartz: Thank you.
Captain Brien: I’m one to promote, but then everyone wants to get behind it, because you’re talking about their town!
Eric Schwartz: That’s what I want,
Captain Brien: Genius!
Eric Schwartz: Thank you, I wanna show love for the places that I’m performing, and, you know, ingratiate myself into your graces, and I really do hope that you like it and I can represent it, and I wanna get those things that only people that live there would know, you know? That’s why I do research on the internet, but then I also ask people that live there what is the gist of the town, you know?
Captain Brien: I got people watching right now from Palm Springs, Cali-
Eric Schwartz: Wow, I live near there.
Captain Brien: Homer, New York, right? Mandy’s watching, let’s see-
Eric Schwartz: San Diego, cool!
Captain Brien: Aaron’s in San Diego. And yeah, guys, what’s happening, thanks for watching, we’re in Naples, Florida. This ain’t a bad place to live though, huh?
Eric Schwartz: No, it’s great, I love it. I was in San Diego, I was just in San Diego, I flew to visit my mom and my stepfather in Mexico-
Captain Brien: What part of Mexico?
Eric Schwartz: They live in a city called San Miguel De Allende.
Captain Brien: I was gonna say that,
Eric Schwartz: You were gonna say that?
Captain Brien: That was my first guess.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, after Cancun? But it’s in the middle of the country in a state called Guanajuato.
Captain Brien: Oh, wow. Do they have good tapatio?
Eric Schwartz: Oh man, they got better than tapatio, they’ve got- the salsa there, I didn’t care what my stomach said, I just kept eating the salsa.
Captain Brien: Really?
Eric Schwartz: It was delicious, yeah.
Captain Brien: The tomatoes, they’re raised in Immokalee, right here in Immokalee, Florida, I wonder if they’re shipped to Mexico to make all those beautiful salsas.
Eric Schwartz: I think they might have tomatoes down there.
Captain Brien: They got their own tomatoes.
Eric Schwartz: They might have their own tomatoes down there.
Captain Brien: That’s probably the only other place that literally competes with Immokalee. You know that most of the tomatoes in the whole world come from there?
Eric Schwartz: Really?
Captain Brien: As well as oranges.
Eric Schwartz: Like romas?
Captain Brien: No, we do, I forget which ones we grow, exactly, but you guys can tell us, maybe, which ones we grow here in Immokalee, but we grow juicing oranges, and as the smog covers the road , I don’t know what just happened.
Eric Schwartz: There’s a truck that’s vaping.
Captain Brien: Like vaping on fire, obviously. But we grow juicing oranges, and we grow tomatoes.
Eric Schwartz: Cool.
Captain Brien: Like, for the whole world.
Eric Schwartz: I feel like I want Immokalee to grow broccoli, just for the rhyme. That’s the rhyme nerd in me.
Captain Brien: That would be great, yeah. That would be great, it really would.
Eric Schwartz: So I speak Spanish, and when I went down there, it was like I thought I spoke Spanish-
Captain Brien: Did you grow up speaking Spanish in your house?
Eric Schwartz: A little bit, but you know, just basic stuff, but I studied it in school, and then I learned the cultural stuff from my stepdad, and now I have this series called “Cultura”-
Captain Brien: Right, which is awesome.
Eric Schwartz: Aw, thanks, man.
Captain Brien: And dude, so I was just thinking you were just really smart and a really good actor, but now it’s like in the family. I can’t give you all the props but that is so funny when you do the mariachi and stuff.
Eric Schwartz: Oh, you saw the mariachi?
Captain Brien: Yeah, dude, great!
Eric Schwartz: So I have this video where I sing mariachi in a Mexican restaurant karaoke night, and I do this really tongue-twistery song, I’ll do a little sample of it, it’s called “El aventurero”:
Captain Brien: When you went off in the restaurant with that song, people were like “This dude really knows it?”
Eric Schwartz: They were like “What?” So the first time I heard that song was where my mom lives, in San Miguel de Allende-
Captain Brien: And how did you learn that song?
Eric Schwartz: I heard it, I’m like “That sounds really hard. “That sounds hard to sing. “I’m gonna learn it.” And I just-
Captain Brien: That is the nerd in you.
Eric Schwartz: Repetition, repetition, when I’m driving around, I’ll be playing songs in my car, and I try to do it, so here’s my method, I have one, I call it “training wheels”, okay, where it’s like the song with the lyrics on it, like for example, I’ll do it for you right now.
Captain Brien: Okay, let’s go.
Eric Schwartz: Here’s “Show Me Your Naples” here’s my training wheels song, ready?
Captain Brien: Here we go, we’re bringing it home.
Eric Schwartz:♪ Dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice, hit up TripAdvisor ♪ See, it has the words on it, training wheels. ♪ Happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ And then eventually, I’m like this: ♪ I’m sad, dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice ♪ Instrumental! ♪ TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida, is it true ♪
Captain Brien: When the beat drops.
Eric Schwartz:♪ The land of the surfers ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Oh those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ Et cetera.
Captain Brien: Dude, it’s just so dope! If I could rap or sing or play an instrument, I would just go around rapping everywhere. I would just be like “Ah, there’s Captain B, he’s rapping again.”
Eric Schwartz: I’m not using my powers like I should.
Captain Brien: You should, you should.
Eric Schwartz: ♪ From now on, it’s on. ♪ ♪ It’s like a sauna ♪ ♪ And I’m just gonna ♪ ♪ Rap every word I can ♪ ♪ Everywhere I slam ♪ ♪ Everywhere I am ♪ ♪ Bam ♪
Captain Brien: I would just be like spittin’ lyrics everywhere, dude. It would be off.
Eric Schwartz: It would be off.
Captain Brien: Then it wouldn’t be fair to the other dudes-
Eric Schwartz: It really wouldn’t.
Captain Brien: It’d be like, “Aw, Captain B’s rapping again”.
Eric Schwartz: “Why is the Captain rappin’?”
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, you know. ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪
Captain Brien: All right, guys, we’re gonna wrap this up, speaking of rapping.
Eric Schwartz: All right.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on B1039, Big Momma and the Wild Bunch-
Eric Schwartz: Oh, all up in my own-
Captain Brien: Getting us on right now, You forgot he was in town this weekend, Lindsey, hello, don’t you dare forget about Smooth E, nobody forgets Smooth E.
Eric Schwartz: Nobody forgets, Lindsey.
Captain Brien: God.
Eric Schwartz: Monastery.
Captain Brien: The baldness is just life-changing.
Eric Schwartz: I tried to an impression of Big Mama, and it really hurt my voice.
Captain Brien: Did it?
Eric Schwartz: I went like this: “Hey, it’s Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.” Right?
Captain Brien: And then you had to wet your whistle?
Eric Schwartz: And I was like “Aw man, I can’t hack that.”
Captain Brien: Hey guys, this is the Captain’s Log, we are gonna go live right now on B1039, we just left 1055 The Beat, and I’m happy to have our comedian Eric Schwartz performing live all weekend, Off the Hook Comedy Club, get your tickets at offthehookcomedy.com, but more importantly, my buddy now, I appreciate being a friend of yours-
Eric Schwartz: Dude, likewise.
Captain Brien: It’s been a long time now, and I thank you for always being there.
Eric Schwartz: Thank you.
Captain Brien: Keep the funny going, man.
Eric Schwartz: I love the show, thanks for having me on.
