Comedian Ricky Cruz is on the #naplescaptainslog discussing his career and friendship with the late Ralphie May.
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Comedians Dante and Rebekah join the #naplescaptainslog to discuss the Portland Comedy Festival with Captain Brien!
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Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Dante and Rebekah out and show them some love at:
The man, the myth, the legendary Tom Green joins this episode of the #naplescaptainslog to tell us about his career and his most recent project, his new album! You can purchase his new album on a green vinyl or find it on apple music!
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Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: We could do it. Let’s do it, guys. The Captain’s Log with Tom Green.
Tom Green: Oh my God, yeah.
Captain Brien: Hey, we are live.
Tom Green: Yeah, what about that camera?
Captain Brien: This one, let’s turn them all on.
Tom Green: You’ve got so many cameras, Captain Brien.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna turn everything on and go live.
Tom Green: Captain Brien’s got so many cameras. I don’t know which one to look at.
Captain Brien: Do you like it?
Tom Green: I like it. I’m not gonna look at any of the cameras.
Captain Brien: You’re not gonna look.
Tom Green: Because I don’ want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera.
Captain Brien: No, no, of course not.
Tom Green: This time I’m gonna look around at stuff. Not gonna look at any of the cameras because I don’t want to look like I’m looking at the wrong camera, so I’m just going to look around at stuff.
Captain Brien: Yeah, don’t look at anything.
Tom Green: I said that twice.
Captain Brien: We need gas today though. Today’s the first time I think I might have to get gas live on The Log.
Tom Green: Have you ever run out of gas on The Captain’s Log?
Captain Brien: On The Log? No, that would not be fun. I haven’t done much driving tactics on The Log, mostly just driving.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Not a lot of, I haven’t gotten pulled over.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Thank God I haven’t gotten in an accident.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Mostly just driving.
Tom Green: That’s cool.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I’ve watched the show quite a bit.
Captain Brien: Well I appreciate that. You know what’s funny is of course–
Tom Green: It’s my favorite show.
Captain Brien: It’s your favorite?
Tom Green: I can’t believe I’m on this. I feel like I’m doing Letterman right now, for the first time.
Captain Brien: Well speaking of–
Tom Green: I’m a little nervous.
Captain Brien: You are now doing a Larry King.
Tom Green: Yes, yeah.
Captain Brien: Which is amazing.
Tom Green: I’m guest hosting Larry King Now.
Captain Brien: Larry King Now.
Tom Green: Which is on Hulu and Ora TV, and it’s been really cool and I’ve gotten to do multiple episodes of the show, 10 episodes we’ve done already, and I think we’re going to be doing more.
Captain Brien: Do they release all of them at once?
Tom Green: No, they kind of been coming out–
Captain Brien: The come out like daily or weekly?
Tom Green: Yep, a few a week, yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Daily I think, yep.
Captain Brien: That’s cool.
Tom Green: Yeah, so.
Captain Brien: And how, how’s the studio? Is it like a big production thing or–
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Is it, I mean, it’s legit, like, it’s like–
Tom Green: Larry King Studios. It’s amazing, yeah, it’s incredible. That’s what’s cool about it ’cause I’ve done home made broadcasts, kind of like this, where I hooked up a bunch of cameras and done web shows and things. But it’s cool to be able to go down there and have like a full state of the art television studio.
Captain Brien: Speaking of which, Josh Pray is on there right now.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Josh, what’s up buddy.
Tom Green: Oh yeah, you can see people.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna do a little deal with Tom Green this week. I told them we’re going to get hooked up.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah, so this–
Tom Green: Oh Josh Pray’s your friend you were telling me about.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tom Green: Who’s got millions of followers.
Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s my boy, so we’re gonna hook it up.
Tom Green: Hey Josh, can you tell your followers to go look at my YouTube channel? I posted two new music videos this week.
Captain Brien: And how you gonna rap? You rap about your new song.
Tom Green: Yeah, I have a new song. We just world premiered it. We just played it on 105.5.
Captain Brien: Five, yeah, The Beat.
Tom Green: The Beat, it’s called–
Captain Brien: And the name of the song is?
Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.
Captain Brien: I love that.
Tom Green: I want to be friends with Drake.
Captain Brien: I Love that. That, that kind of is everybody’s.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Song.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: That’s their theme song.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Who doesn’t?
Tom Green: Who doesn’t like Drake?
Captain Brien: What’s the, what’s the beat, your favorite line in the song?
Tom Green: In my song?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I think it’s, “I know you said “no new friends homie but that’s exactly who I am.”
Captain Brien: I was, I was looking at beat, but I love the photography that you did, the footage of the video. They have to go your Tom Green, not on your Facebook, I’m sorry, on your YouTube because you have the video, and you shot it all across Asia, right?
Tom Green: Yeah, so I’m here doing–
Captain Brien: Which I love.
Tom Green: I’m here in Florida doing stand up comedy at Off The Hook this weekend, and I’m touring all the time, but I was in Asia a few weeks ago, did a three week tour throughout the continent of Asia, Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Philippines and China, Shanghai, China. And so we shot three music videos over there actually.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tom Green: Two of which have just been premiered. There’s a second video up on the website also.
Captain Brien: What I love about all the stuff you do, it’s so organic, like everything you post is just stuff that you create, your content. It’s original for you. And you were like one of the first guys to even do that, period.
Tom Green: Yeah, I was into skateboarding videos when I was a teenager, and I remember seeing skateboarding videos, Tony Hawk.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Who I just interviewed on Larry King Now. Who is now a friend of mine but I was, he was my idol when I was growing up. And part of the reason was ’cause I just, not only ’cause I loved watching the skateboarding but I loved watching the videos they would make. And that was the first time I remembered ever seeing like videos that weren’t made by a major television network.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: And you know how the world’s changed, right, now everybody’s making videos themselves and posting on Facebook, so we’re used to seeing raw, guerrilla kind of content now. But back in the 80s, right, that was just so rare to see anything that was, and to me it was appealing to me because you felt like you were seeing something you weren’t really supposed to see.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: It wasn’t run through a corporation, a series of checks and balances, and you get the sanitized show. It was like a lot of, you know, there used to be this video called Faces of Death, that people would watch. It was on a VHS, people would hand it around. And it was like crazy, like, “Oh a guy jumps “out of a plane, his parachute doesn’t open “and he lands in a pit of alligators.” Probably was all fake, but it felt real.
Captain Brien: Right, there is some like–
Tom Green: I don’t like to date myself and sound really old or whatever but I’m 47 years old, you know.
Captain Brien: You’re not old.
Tom Green: Yeah, I remember, but you know I’m, if you’re 20 though, 47 is really old, right.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: So if you’re 20, that sounds really old. When a 20 year old hears somebody talking about how they remember the world before cell phones.
Captain Brien: Before the internet.
Tom Green: Before the internet, before reality TV.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: That’s like when we were kids, hearing somebody talking about like how grandma didn’t used to have electricity.
Captain Brien: Right, it is, it is.
Tom Green: And you’d be thinking like, “Wow, my grandma’s old, she didn’t have electricity.”
Captain Brien: How does that happen.
Tom Green: It’s almost probably weirder to imagine the world without the internet and cellphones for a young person today because we’re so consumed by them, you know.
Captain Brien: What I find absolutely amazing, is that when it’s as new as like, “Oh iTunes, like you didn’t remember iTunes?” And I’m like, that’s not that old.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: YouTube is 12 years old. It’s not that old.
Tom Green: Yeah, isn’t that crazy?
Captain Brien: But like my kids, they don’t understand, like.
Tom Green: YouTube, this thing we’re on now, it’s 12 years old.
Captain Brien: Yeah, right, it’s amazing.
Tom Green: Yeah, it’s amazing.
Captain Brien: It really is.
Tom Green: Rome Marriquin.
Captain Brien: Brian Fox. I got some friends in Wakefield.
Tom Green: Shelly Misorowski.
Captain Brien: Back in the High School Days, Wakefield Mass in the house, when Tom Green was hitting it big time.
Tom Green: All right.
Captain Brien: All fans, all fans of your show, not to mention fans right now. So how did you know like–
Tom Green: Doroda Blair is watching.
Captain Brien: It wasn’t a thing to record people.
Tom Green: Jeremy.
Captain Brien: And do funny videos and like, how did you know that was going to be okay? Like you could just do it. You were just hoping? Or did you feel like, “Hey I’m going to make something out of this.” ‘Cause you really went in full. I mean, you started doing it like.
Tom Green: Yeah I went to school for broadcasting. I was a huge David Letterman fan. Loved Late Night with David Letterman and The Late Show, and loved when he would go out in the street and I loved when he’d do things that were kind of edgy, like you know, go out and yell at people with his megaphone out of his office at people in the street, or deliver a fruit basket to the you know, CEO of GE or whatever. So it was like a, you know, it was something I was sort of a huge fan of. And I just thought, I want to try to do sort of a guerrilla version of that.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Tom Green: A non-networked version of that. And you know, like I was a man of traditional comedy. I loved SCTV and Monty Python and Saturday Night Live and funny movies and comedians and stuff. So I was aware that there was sort of a mainstream way of doing things, and then there was the skateboard video way of doing things. So I tried to kind of combine the two and you know I did pursue trying to get the show picked up by MTV. I mean, we did the show for years in Canada. We were on a small network in Canada.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: First before MTV. Started on Public Access, did the show for free for years, several years.
Captain Brien: People don’t get that that leads to so many things sometimes.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: You know, putting in the time, putting in the energy and making something out of nothing, and then you built enough that it has value.
Tom Green: The Captain’s Log could easily be–
Captain Brien: Correct, like look at this show, dammit.
Tom Green: On CBS someday.
Captain Brien: That’s right. I’m doing it for free.
Tom Green: Some day we’ll be watching this on CBS, Captain Brien on the Captain’s Log. Late night, CBS late night, right after Steven Colbert comes on, The Captain’s Log.
Captain Brien: You do inspire me for that.
Tom Green: And you’ll say, “You know I did this show “for free for awhile.”
Captain Brien: Because I’ve been doing this now for quite a long time. People say, “Well why do you do it, man?” Well it’s, number one, I like to document everything that we have going on in life.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: All them cool people like yourself that I meet.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: I mean, it’s not like, I may not have this opportunity if I didn’t have a comedy club or if I didn’t have this, the ability to turn on the cameras and just roll with it.
Tom Green: This is the new business model for show business, right, you have a comedy club, you’re selling tickets. People are watching. Presumably some of these amazing people are going to come down to the comedy club.
Captain Brien: That’s right, yes.
Tom Green: Tonight, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night in Naples, Off The Hook Comedy.
Captain Brien: To see the famous Tom Green.
Tom Green: Come on down. I’m doing six shows. And so you know, that’s the revenue model now, right. You know, we’re selling tickets here.
Captain Brien: We are.
Tom Green: It’s interesting you know, like like people sort of, who don’t do standup, who are in the entertainment business, don’t really think I think about the show business model the same way.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tom Green: Once you start doing standup, you really think of it differently.
Captain Brien: Because you’re with the people.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: And I think that’s also why that they’re casting so many comedians in movies these days too, because they’re actually, it’s almost like a rock star, right, where you go out and you have a concert tour because you released an album.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: What other, it’s not like Tom Cruise is touring around theaters, saying, “Hey everybody, come watch my movie.”
Tom Green: Yeah, although I would go to that show.
Captain Brien: I would too.
Tom Green: That would be cool.
Captain Brien: It’d be a very good show.
Tom Green: Tom Cruise started doing standup, I would be the first in line. I would love to see that. And he’d probably be really good too.
Captain Brien: I bet.
Tom Green: He’s obviously a great performer.
Captain Brien: Charismatic.
Tom Green: Yeah, absolutely. But you know, you know, Tom Cruise–
Captain Brien: You ever meet him?
Tom Green: I never met him but he went to my school. He lived in Ottawa for awhile when he was in Canada.
Captain Brien: Really.
Tom Green: Yeah, his dad was in the US Navy. And he actually, rumor has it, we were, he lived on the same street that I lived on when I grew up, where I grew up.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tom Green: But I’ve never had the opportunity to run into Tom Cruise and ask him about that.
Captain Brien: Who would you want to meet?
Tom Green: Well I’ve met David Letterman but I would love to interview David Letterman, ’cause you know.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause of the beards now? ‘Cause you look alike?
Tom Green: Just ’cause I have a million questions for him and was just such an inspiration to me and I look up to him, so it’d be cool to be able to interview him and do that. Who have I not met that I would like to meet? I’ve met, I was doing a bit recently, I was sort of screwing around with like audience recently in one of my shows.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: And you know, the bit is that basically, I’ve basically met everybody except Tom Cruise. I basically met everybody.
Captain Brien: And Drake.
Tom Green: And so like name, yeah.
Captain Brien: Wait did you meet Drake?
Tom Green: No, I haven’t met Drake.
Captain Brien: But he’s coming soon.
Tom Green: But I mean, not to play celebrity name dropping here on Captain Brien’s, The Log, but name somebody, I’ll tell you whether or not I’ve met them or not.
Captain Brien: Howard Stern.
Tom Green: Met him, yes, yes, I’ve been on–
Captain Brien: Good guy?
Tom Green: Yeah, good, great guy.
Captain Brien: That’s probably one of the only guys I want to meet.
Tom Green: Been on his show.
Captain Brien: I want to meet him.
Tom Green: Yeah. Howard Stern phoned my on my cellphone a couple of times, and we had private, off-radio conversations.
Captain Brien: Very cool.
Tom Green: He was always very supportive. Okay, who else?
Captain Brien: Females, let’s see.
Tom Green: Anybody, name anybody.
Captain Brien: How about–
Tom Green: I’ve met everybody.
Tom Green: I’ve been living in Hollywood for 20 years.
Captain Brien: Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford?
Tom Green: Never met her.
Captain Brien: Ah, see.
Tom Green: Never met her, no.
Captain Brien: do you care to meet her?
Tom Green: Yeah. I would like to meet her. I would like to meet everybody. I like everybody.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Okay but seriously I’ve met everybody. Name someone, I’ve met them. Other than Tom Cruise and Cindy Crawford.
Captain Brien: Let’s see, how about–
Tom Green: And then I’ll tell you a little, a brief story about–
Captain Brien: About, about everyone.
Tom Green: About where we met and how we met, yeah.
Captain Brien: Did you ever meet Barbara Streisand?
Tom Green: Never met her, but I did see her in a restaurant once.
Captain Brien: Joan Rivers.
Tom Green: Joan Rivers I have met. She was amazingly supportive of me. We were on The Celebrity Apprentice together. She won that season. Also I did her show In Bed With Joan, so I actually know her–
Captain Brien: Oh you did that? I thought that was a great show.
Tom Green: Yeah, it was kind of like this.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: I’m glad I’m not in bed with you right now.
Captain Brien: Yeah, well we have, let’s not, let’s not lie to the camera. It’s been in the past, I mean.
Tom Green: Yeah, we don’t want to talk about that.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: But yeah, I love Joan, and she was an incredible legend.
Captain Brien: She really was.
Tom Green: Okay, next.
Captain Brien: I don’t know. Who was the person that you’re most proud that you met?
Tom Green: The proudest person to have met?
Captain Brien: Yeah. Or the most inspiring person.
Tom Green: Probably Letterman.
Captain Brien: Letterman, yeah.
Tom Green: That was the most exciting moment for me, when I got asked to be a guest on his show. And then I got to guest host his show once too actually.
Captain Brien: Oh wow.
Tom Green: Guest hosted Letterman once as well. So that was probably for me a big deal. But you know, it’s, it’s cool. I am sort of a big fan of so much comedy and films and television, so I do get a little bit of a thrill–
Captain Brien: Do you?
Tom Green: Out of meeting people, yeah, I get that.
Captain Brien: I didn’t actually expect that.
Tom Green: I get nervous when I know I’m going to interview someone that I’ve never interviewed before. I get nervous if I have to go to a-
Captain Brien: More nervous than being on The Captain’s Log or less?
Tom Green: More nervous.
Captain Brien: Way more.
Tom Green: More nervous, yes.
Captain Brien: Wow, shocking, shocking.
Tom Green: On the scale of nervousness from one to 10 right now, I’m at around a two.
Captain Brien: A two.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: I really bring the best out of you.
Tom Green: Well I’m still a little nervous though.
Captain Brien: It could be, it could be a point five.
Tom Green: Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Captain Brien: I know, I know, so that’s good, that’s good. I’m feel good about that.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Now that he’s put it in perspective.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: So what do you think–
Tom Green: Let’s put it this way though, when I’m going to sleep at night, I’m about a three.
Captain Brien: Thanks. You didn’t have to throw that in. We didn’t have to add that part at all.
Tom Green: No, I get, I have a lot of anxiety, so, ’cause you’re sort of keeping my mind occupied right now. I’m actually a little less nervous than I would be.
Captain Brien: So I put you at ease.
Tom Green: When I got to sleep, I’m like, oh my God, yeah, am I going to have a heart attack in my sleep?
Captain Brien: If you need me to cuddle tonight.
Tom Green: Am I going to wake up in the morning?
Captain Brien: If you need me to come over to cuddle.
Tom Green: Yeah.
Captain Brien: To put you to sleep like this, I’m happy to do that.
Tom Green: Yeah, okay. Yeah I know you’ve got some stuff you gotta do, so.
Captain Brien: I want to make sure that you’re comfortable here in Florida.
Tom Green: Yeah, no, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Captain Brien: Six big shows, Off The Hook Comedy Club.
Tom Green: Yeah, yeah.
Captain Brien: How could they find you on Instagram? You’re at Tom Green, right?
Tom Green: Tom Green on Instagram.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tom Green: Tom Green Live on Twitter. And I’m on Facebook. But go to Instagram first because I’m on there the most.
Captain Brien: You’re the most relevant there. You’re posting stuff all of the time.
Tom Green: I like it more. I like it more.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Tom Green: I like the pictures. I read the comments. But I’m on YouTube also, my YouTube channel. So come find me.
Captain Brien: So come out with Tom.
Tom Green: Kevin Brasie is watching.
Captain Brien: Kevin Brasie, yeah, Wakefield.
Tom Green: Oh Brasie, I’m sorry.
Captain Brien: My homie from Wakefield.
Tom Green: The French pronunciation.
Captain Brien: And then Bob, Boston Bob and Brad.
Tom Green: Kevin Brasie.
Captain Brien: All kinds of people watching today, saying hello to Tom Green.
Tom Green: Hey everybody.
Captain Brien: They’re star struck Tom, star struck, like me.
Tom Green: So glad to see you guys. Please come out and see me tonight. And I actually have my album for sale too, at the show, a vinyl record.
Captain Brien: You do have a vinyl record.
Tom Green: Printed on green vinyl. And I have a few copies available.
Captain Brien: I need to get, I’ll trade you a signed vinyl for a signed bottle of Captain Brien’s Vodka.
Tom Green: Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Captain Brien: Is that a good deal?
Tom Green: Yeah, that’s a good deal.
Captain Brien: That’s a barter.
Tom Green: That’s amazing.
Captain Brien: That’s a win for both of us.
Tom Green: Absolutely.
Captain Brien: All right guys, this is The Captain’s Log. This is my friend, Tom Green. It’s been a pleasure, buddy.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: Listen, I always appreciate you coming.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: To the Club.
Tom Green: Thank you.
Captain Brien: One of my favorites. It’s been many years now we’re working together.
Tom Green: Yeah. How many? Like almost 10 years.
Captain Brien: Almost 10 years. And for me, it’s an honor and it’s exciting. You guys are going to get a great show. Off The Hook Comedy Club, Tom Green. This is The Captain’s Log. Thanks for watching guys. Have a good day, be the best. And I’m out.
Comedian Eric Schwartz aka Smooth-E rides along with Captain B as they rap some tunes for the #naplescaptainslog
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Eric Schwartz out and show him some love at:
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Eric Schwartz: ♪ I’m sad ♪ ♪ Drippin’ in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ Need advice ♪ ♪ Hit up TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Ooh the happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Is it true? ♪ ♪ The land of the snowboards ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles ♪ ♪ Into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ ♪ If you don’t have a nice car ♪ ♪ You probably ain’t from Naples ♪ ♪ Where they live up to the name ♪ ♪ Of the knee-high acres ♪ ♪ If don’t root for the Pats ♪ ♪ You’re a straight-up traitor ♪ ♪ Where they release pets to the Everglades ♪ ♪ And they have bunch of chupacabras and skunk apes ♪ ♪ I’m hype with the trip ♪ ♪ But I gotta ask the people ♪ ♪ If I do make the visit ♪ ♪ You gotta show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Where 69 degrees means it’s winter season ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Up in Immokalee they got the orange juice squeezin’ ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Myers is lovely but also kinda foggy ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ They act all boujee ’til they hit the clubs ♪ ♪ But they got a lot of sea shells ♪ ♪ Even more golf courses ♪ ♪ Keeping them exclusive security forces ♪ ♪ Got kicked off the fairway ♪ ♪ Wasn’t fair ♪ ♪ They were like sir ♪ ♪ This is a cemetery ♪ ♪ Oops my bad ♪ ♪ They’re both green lawns ♪ ♪ One’s eighteen holes ♪ ♪ One’s a whole four one ♪ ♪ But now my golf cart’s dead ♪ ♪ Do you have jumper cables? ♪ ♪ And while you’re at it ♪ ♪ Why don’t you show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Fort Misery Nap ♪ ♪ Down the cape in the rock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Got the beaches on fleek ♪ ♪ Grandparents on lock ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Giving that shine ♪ ♪ To the two three nine ♪ ♪ Show me your Naples ♪ ♪ Show me yours ♪ ♪ I’ll show you mine ♪ ♪ Oh you know it’s on ♪ ♪ We got Brian Spina on the Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ Stop drop and laugh ♪ ♪ That’s how we do it in the present ♪ ♪ Never the past ♪ ♪ We goin’ to the future ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ We got y’all tunin’ in ♪ ♪ And how are you doin’ today ♪ ♪ It’s a nice day ♪ ♪ It’s a Thursday ♪ ♪ Oo-Wee hey ♪
Captain Brien: Now that’s a frickin’ intro, dude.
Eric Schwartz: That’s how we do it.
Captain Brien: I need that every time. Welcome to the Captain’s Log, guys. Eric Schwartz is live,
Eric Schwartz: What’s up, dude?
Captain Brien: What’s up, buddy.
Eric Schwartz: Two hands on the wheel.
Captain Brien: Love it. I know, I know, look, I’m gonna turn on auto-drive, so we’re good.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna be half-driving auto.
Eric Schwartz: You have a self-driving car already?
Captain Brien: A little bit-
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien: A little bit.
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien:It’ll do halfway.
Eric Schwartz: This is the biggest multitasker on the internet. He’s running a comedy club, he’s going live, he’s taking the comedian to radio, and he’s driving.
Captain Brien: They’re gonna have to pay attention to the road.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and driving a coffee.
Captain Brien: And drink.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, and drink. I feel secure in this guy’s hands because I’ve watched him on the Captain’s Log, we were having a conversation on the way up here, and I went like this, I went like this: “Are we on the air right now?”
Captain Brien: It wasn’t live, it wasn’t.
Eric Schwartz: It wasn’t live, so I dropped my f-bombs.
Captain Brien: You keep it smooth though.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Captain Brien: So we were just talking about this, you literally haven’t, this is the first appearance-
Eric Schwartz: On the Captain’s Log, yes.
Captain Brien: On the show, and we’ve been working together for, what?
Eric Schwartz: I think I was maybe in your first year you ever did comedy.
Captain Brien: Yeah, so like 14 years we’ve been together.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, when you were in Marco Island. Fourteen years? Has it been fourteen years? Dude, we’re getting old.
Eric Schwartz: What?
Captain Brien: We’re getting old.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my god.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s been a while. Hey Kelsey, what’s up? Hey Mary, how’re you guys doing? Thank you for watching. Eric Schwartz is our guest. Tell them how they can find you on Instagram and Facebook, because you post amazing content, you’re a multi-medium.
Eric Schwartz: Multi-comedian.
Captain Brien: Oh, I got it wrong.
Eric Schwartz: No, it’s okay.
Captain Brien: It’s something you made up, ’cause that’s not in the English Dictionary.
Eric Schwartz: No, not yet, not yet.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s coming.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, but multi-media meets comedy, that’s the show that I’m doing at the moment, it’s a really fun show, music, as you just saw, visuals, as you will see in the future, and stand-up comedy. At the base it’s stand-up comedy, and then it bridges off into all these cool fun things. But you can find me on Instagram, @eeericschwartz, with three e’s, e-e-e-r-i-c s-c-h-w-a-r-t-z-
Captain Brien: So fun to watch, guys, always doing something creative, something original. How’d you get into comedy?
Eric Schwartz: I started, actually, on the pool deck with my swim buddies, and I loved SNL, I loved stand-up, and I would recite other peoples’ material to my friends in high school, and they were like, “You’re funny, you should be a comedian,” and I never really took it seriously, I was like “I don’t have any of my own material”, and I started writing stuff down, and when I got to college, I’ve always been like a self-starter, so I would put on my own shows in the dorms, and I did a-
Captain Brien: I always threw my own parties, too,
Eric Schwartz: Did you?
Captain Brien: So maybe that’s why I do the comedy club thing, ’cause I’m still having a party every weekend.
Eric Schwartz: It’s kind of an extension of your high school self.
Captain Brien: It is.
Eric Schwartz: Except now, your parents can come home, you’ll be fine. I saw your parents last night at the club.
Captain Brien: They’re awesome, they’re there every night, they never not laugh.
Eric Schwartz: They’re awesome.
Captain Brien: They love every joke, even if they see it 10 times.
Eric Schwartz: I would come here, honestly, I would come here even if I weren’t performing for your restaurant.
Captain Brien: Thanks, man.
Eric Schwartz: It is so-
Captain Brien: I appreciate that.
Eric Schwartz: Because your mom’s key lime pie?
Captain Brien: The best.
Eric Schwartz: Dude, can I send one of those home?
Captain Brien: You can .
Eric Schwartz: Can I really?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Captain Brien: For real? Yeah, we’re good, I’ll send you home with some key lime pie, some vodka, some rum, you’ll be Captain Brian all around.
Eric Schwartz: I talk about it so much, my girlfriend, sorry ladies, my girlfriend-
Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s taken, ladies.
Eric Schwartz: I felt-
Captain Brien: Damn! Talk about a buzzkill on the Log, bro.
Eric Schwartz: I’m sorry, dude.
Captain Brien: That’s horrible.
Eric Schwartz: I just- She likes when I talk about her now because it was getting crazy.
Captain Brien: Too much.
Eric Schwartz: It was too much.
Captain Brien: They want the baldness.
Eric Schwartz: Is that what it is?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is, I mean, people do want to touch this, you know? They want this in their lives, and-
Captain Brien: All up in their lives.
Eric Schwartz: But to be honest, you don’t know, as a bald guy, you don’t have a problem-
Captain Brien: I’m getting there, I could be close. I’m trying to save it, though, I’ve been doing all kinds of stuff.
Eric Schwartz: Really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I did the injections, the PRP, where they take the white blood cells out of your blood, and they put it back in.
Eric Schwartz: Wow, stem cells and the like, is that what that is?
Captain Brien: Well, it’s the PRP, it’s the white blood cells, yes, of your blood, which is the healing power, and it’s like magic for everything.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my god!
Captain Brien: We can do everything these days.
Eric Schwartz: Can they put them in your eyes?
Captain Brien: They put them in literally your joints, they put them in your junk, anywhere they put ’em, it helps it.
Eric Schwartz: Oh my, wow!
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Eric Schwartz: These are sealed over, though, there’s no coming back.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s waxed.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, this is waxed, this is like if you’ve laminated paper, there’s no way you can get it out. But, I mean, people want to touch it all the time, and I know that you feel like it has magical powers or something, it doesn’t, like you’re not gonna feel it and be like “I felt a kick!”
Captain Brien: Nah, it’s not like a baby.
Eric Schwartz: It’s not like a baby.
Captain Brien: It looks so smooth, though!
Eric Schwartz: It does, it does, it looks smooth, it is smooth-
Captain Brien: I wouldn’t look as good-
Eric Schwartz: I just shaved it.
Captain Brien: As you, though, if I shaved, if I went bald, there’s no way I could pull it off, I don’t think, so I’m worried.
Eric Schwartz: You’d be fine! You’d be fine. As long as you don’t have a pug handle-
Captain Brien: Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have that. Do they get that from, is that like a muscle, fat, or just inherited?
Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, it’s just-
Captain Brien: I don’t have that.
Eric Schwartz: Sometimes, yeah, people just get like a pug pattern.
Captain Brien: What if they have a couple? Like it’s kind of cute to look at a couple.
Eric Schwartz: It is.
Captain Brien: A couple rolls in the back?
Eric Schwartz: I feel like I wanna take those guys and pick them up by the back of their necks.
Captain Brien: But they’re usually kind of big dudes.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, they are.
Captain Brien: You never see a little dude with a bunch of little-
Eric Schwartz: You really don’t. Like Brad Williams? That’s be cute.
Captain Brien: We love Brad.
Eric Schwartz: Shoutout to Brad.
Captain Brien: Didn’t we do a show with Brad here with you or no?
Eric Schwartz: I don’t know, we used to do a lot of shows together, like in LA, the format is a little different with standup, where you do what’s called showcase style, and it’s like a bunch of people on a show, and we used to do a ton of shows together, and always really funny, and then his first special, I was doing interviews, it was at a comedy festival, and if you look at his first special, I think I’m in the intro interviewing him.
Captain Brien: Oh really?
Eric Schwartz: Like for a second.
Captain Brien: That’s awesome, that’s like your big credit?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, that’s my credit.
Captain Brien: That’s your cred, dog, street cred.
Eric Schwartz: That’s my cred.
Captain Brien: You got another song you wanna play for me?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, let’s do it.
Captain Brien: This guy can sing, he can dance, he can rap, he can give you tech support.
Eric Schwartz: That’s true.
Captain Brien: Right?
Eric Schwartz: I represent for the underrepresented.
Captain Brien: It’s what it is.
Eric Schwartz: I feel that myself, and there’s a lot of hip-hop that I love, but it doesn’t represent everybody, like every song you hear about women is always about women with big butts, which is great-
Captain Brien: I cannot lie.
Eric Schwartz: I can’t lie, right? My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.
Captain Brien: Hey, Mandy, Jose, what’s happening? So before you start the song, I want to tell you that, one, I think you’re my sister’s and my niece’s favorite comic.
Eric Schwartz: Serious?
Captain Brien: Yeah, my sister, Charlene, and my niece Ariana, they were texting me this morning, “Oh my god, Eric’s in town! “That’s so great! “When is he coming back?”, they told me-
Eric Schwartz: Already?
Captain Brien: Your number one fans,
Eric Schwartz: Okay.
Captain Brien: No, before I bought you in.
Captain Brien: Number one fans, they actually fanboy on you, and they made me bring you back.
Eric Schwartz: Nice!
Captain Brien: Not that I wasn’t gonna, but they were begging, like, “When is he coming back? “We have to have him.” They love the songs, so hit me with a beat.
Eric Schwartz: Okay, so this one is for all the girls that don’t have the big butts, okay? You’re a flat booty girl in a fat booty world, this one is for you. ♪ Flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ ♪ She’s a flat booty girl in a fat booty world ♪ I learned this dance right here from 2 Chainz, you know 2 Chainz?
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s how it is?
Eric Schwartz: Yeah. ♪ No tushy ♪ ♪ No booty ♪ ♪ No buttocks ♪ ♪ No bottom ♪ ♪ Flat like an iPad ♪ ♪ Apple bottom ♪ ♪ Don’t get me wrong ♪ ♪ I love ’em big and round ♪ ♪ But when she droppin’ low ♪ ♪ She got the same curves as the ground ♪ ♪ Sometimes I get tired ♪ ♪ That girl sat on my jacket ♪ ♪ It came out ironed ♪ ♪ She save a lot of space ♪ ♪ Without the big ol’ booty ♪ ♪ Her butt fits in a cup holder at the movies ♪ ♪ She got a shinin’ like a tiny diamond ♪ ♪ Took as long to find it ♪ ♪ As it took to find Bin Laden ♪ ♪ She got me reaching for the bee sting ♪ ♪ Makin’ g-strings out of tea string ♪ ♪ She makin’ skinny jeans baggy ♪ ♪ Lady where that ass be ♪ ♪ Makin’ Paris Hilton ♪ ♪ Look like Kim Kardashi ♪ ♪ And when she bent over for a spanking ♪ ♪ I thought she was blanking ♪ ♪ ‘Cause she’s a flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ ♪ Jew Chainz ♪ That’s me, Jew Chainz, all right.
Captain Brien: That’s a good jam.
Eric Schwartz: Thanks, it’s for everybody. ♪ I’m talkin’ white girls ♪ ♪ Black girls ♪ ♪ Especially my Asians ♪ ♪ Bring that flat booty to ♪
Captain Brien: I like this.
Eric Schwartz: ♪ This caucasian ♪ ♪ Latin girls with no curves ♪ ♪ Mommy let me see your ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damila ♪ ♪ Damilas tortillas ♪ ♪ Middle Eastern girls ♪ ♪ If your figure ain’t the fullest ♪ ♪ Bring me the pita ♪ ♪ I got the hummus ♪ ♪ All around the world ♪ ♪ We’re making it flatter ♪ ♪ You got the pancakes ♪ ♪ I got the batter ♪ ♪ Flat booty girl ♪ ♪ In a fat booty world ♪ That’s for all y’all.
Captain Brien: That’s right.
Eric Schwartz: Out there.
Captain Brien: Any booty’s a good booty.
Eric Schwartz: Any booty’s a good booty.
Captain Brien: I don’t have to hate on a booty if it’s not big. I’m not a big booty guy.
Eric Schwartz: You’re not?
Captain Brien: No, no.
Eric Schwartz: Too much butt?
Captain Brien: Too much butt is too much for me.
Eric Schwartz: Too much for you, I like all kinds of booty. If you have a big butt, don’t think that I don’t like you.
Captain Brien: Yeah, I mean I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
Eric Schwartz: Don’t lie.
Captain Brien: A small butt’s still good, like I’m not gonna hate on a little booty.
Eric Schwartz: It’s what’s inside the butt- oh no, that doesn’t really make sense.
Captain Brien: No, it’s not .
Eric Schwartz: Not really.
Captain Brien: April, what’s what’s goin’ on? Mandy, thank you for watching. Smooth E, AKA Eric Schwartz, Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend, he’s on the Captain’s Log right now, guys, let us know where you’re watching from, your favorite comedian-rapper ever, I know. So do you write these lyrics all the time?
Captain Brien: What do you do?
Eric Schwartz: Yes, so, like, for example, the Naples song that I did-
Captain Brien: You were like “Yo, B, “I’m gonna write a-” I don’t know if you really said “Yo, B-”
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, I did.
Captain Brien: You did? I tried to make that sound cool.
Eric Schwartz: When you said it-
Captain Brien: You were like, “Hey, I wanna write a song about Naples “and what should I say?”, and I gave you a couple hints, and then you, dude, you blew it up, you ran with it. You showed everyone your Naples.
Eric Schwartz: I just showed my Naples. I just showed my Naples. So I research it, like I ask people who live in the city, I’ve done probably about a dozen of these songs about places-
Captain Brien: It’s a great date, too.
Eric Schwartz: Thank you.
Captain Brien: I’m one to promote, but then everyone wants to get behind it, because you’re talking about their town!
Eric Schwartz: That’s what I want,
Captain Brien: Genius!
Eric Schwartz: Thank you, I wanna show love for the places that I’m performing, and, you know, ingratiate myself into your graces, and I really do hope that you like it and I can represent it, and I wanna get those things that only people that live there would know, you know? That’s why I do research on the internet, but then I also ask people that live there what is the gist of the town, you know?
Captain Brien: I got people watching right now from Palm Springs, Cali-
Eric Schwartz: Wow, I live near there.
Captain Brien: Homer, New York, right? Mandy’s watching, let’s see-
Eric Schwartz: San Diego, cool!
Captain Brien: Aaron’s in San Diego. And yeah, guys, what’s happening, thanks for watching, we’re in Naples, Florida. This ain’t a bad place to live though, huh?
Eric Schwartz: No, it’s great, I love it. I was in San Diego, I was just in San Diego, I flew to visit my mom and my stepfather in Mexico-
Captain Brien: What part of Mexico?
Eric Schwartz: They live in a city called San Miguel De Allende.
Captain Brien: I was gonna say that,
Eric Schwartz: You were gonna say that?
Captain Brien: That was my first guess.
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, after Cancun? But it’s in the middle of the country in a state called Guanajuato.
Captain Brien: Oh, wow. Do they have good tapatio?
Eric Schwartz: Oh man, they got better than tapatio, they’ve got- the salsa there, I didn’t care what my stomach said, I just kept eating the salsa.
Captain Brien: Really?
Eric Schwartz: It was delicious, yeah.
Captain Brien: The tomatoes, they’re raised in Immokalee, right here in Immokalee, Florida, I wonder if they’re shipped to Mexico to make all those beautiful salsas.
Eric Schwartz: I think they might have tomatoes down there.
Captain Brien: They got their own tomatoes.
Eric Schwartz: They might have their own tomatoes down there.
Captain Brien: That’s probably the only other place that literally competes with Immokalee. You know that most of the tomatoes in the whole world come from there?
Eric Schwartz: Really?
Captain Brien: As well as oranges.
Eric Schwartz: Like romas?
Captain Brien: No, we do, I forget which ones we grow, exactly, but you guys can tell us, maybe, which ones we grow here in Immokalee, but we grow juicing oranges, and as the smog covers the road , I don’t know what just happened.
Eric Schwartz: There’s a truck that’s vaping.
Captain Brien: Like vaping on fire, obviously. But we grow juicing oranges, and we grow tomatoes.
Eric Schwartz: Cool.
Captain Brien: Like, for the whole world.
Eric Schwartz: I feel like I want Immokalee to grow broccoli, just for the rhyme. That’s the rhyme nerd in me.
Captain Brien: That would be great, yeah. That would be great, it really would.
Eric Schwartz: So I speak Spanish, and when I went down there, it was like I thought I spoke Spanish-
Captain Brien: Did you grow up speaking Spanish in your house?
Eric Schwartz: A little bit, but you know, just basic stuff, but I studied it in school, and then I learned the cultural stuff from my stepdad, and now I have this series called “Cultura”-
Captain Brien: Right, which is awesome.
Eric Schwartz: Aw, thanks, man.
Captain Brien: And dude, so I was just thinking you were just really smart and a really good actor, but now it’s like in the family. I can’t give you all the props but that is so funny when you do the mariachi and stuff.
Eric Schwartz: Oh, you saw the mariachi?
Captain Brien: Yeah, dude, great!
Eric Schwartz: So I have this video where I sing mariachi in a Mexican restaurant karaoke night, and I do this really tongue-twistery song, I’ll do a little sample of it, it’s called “El aventurero”:
Captain Brien: When you went off in the restaurant with that song, people were like “This dude really knows it?”
Eric Schwartz: They were like “What?” So the first time I heard that song was where my mom lives, in San Miguel de Allende-
Captain Brien: And how did you learn that song?
Eric Schwartz: I heard it, I’m like “That sounds really hard. “That sounds hard to sing. “I’m gonna learn it.” And I just-
Captain Brien: That is the nerd in you.
Eric Schwartz: Repetition, repetition, when I’m driving around, I’ll be playing songs in my car, and I try to do it, so here’s my method, I have one, I call it “training wheels”, okay, where it’s like the song with the lyrics on it, like for example, I’ll do it for you right now.
Captain Brien: Okay, let’s go.
Eric Schwartz: Here’s “Show Me Your Naples” here’s my training wheels song, ready?
Captain Brien: Here we go, we’re bringing it home.
Eric Schwartz:♪ Dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice, hit up TripAdvisor ♪ See, it has the words on it, training wheels. ♪ Happiest place in the whole U.S. ♪ And then eventually, I’m like this: ♪ I’m sad, dripping in a downward spiral ♪ ♪ I need advice ♪ Instrumental! ♪ TripAdvisor ♪ ♪ Lookin’ for a place to get me out of this mess ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida ♪ ♪ Southwest Florida, is it true ♪
Captain Brien: When the beat drops.
Eric Schwartz:♪ The land of the surfers ♪ ♪ And the white hairdos ♪ ♪ The leaves don’t change ♪ ♪ But the license plates do ♪ ♪ Where they invite reptiles into the swimming pools ♪ ♪ Oh those crazy golden gaters ♪ ♪ They be wrestling with gators ♪ Et cetera.
Captain Brien: Dude, it’s just so dope! If I could rap or sing or play an instrument, I would just go around rapping everywhere. I would just be like “Ah, there’s Captain B, he’s rapping again.”
Eric Schwartz: I’m not using my powers like I should.
Captain Brien: You should, you should.
Eric Schwartz: ♪ From now on, it’s on. ♪ ♪ It’s like a sauna ♪ ♪ And I’m just gonna ♪ ♪ Rap every word I can ♪ ♪ Everywhere I slam ♪ ♪ Everywhere I am ♪ ♪ Bam ♪
Captain Brien: I would just be like spittin’ lyrics everywhere, dude. It would be off.
Eric Schwartz: It would be off.
Captain Brien: Then it wouldn’t be fair to the other dudes-
Eric Schwartz: It really wouldn’t.
Captain Brien: It’d be like, “Aw, Captain B’s rapping again”.
Eric Schwartz: “Why is the Captain rappin’?”
Eric Schwartz: Yeah, yeah, you know. ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪ ♪ The rappin’ cap’n ♪
Captain Brien: All right, guys, we’re gonna wrap this up, speaking of rapping.
Eric Schwartz: All right.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on B1039, Big Momma and the Wild Bunch-
Eric Schwartz: Oh, all up in my own-
Captain Brien: Getting us on right now, You forgot he was in town this weekend, Lindsey, hello, don’t you dare forget about Smooth E, nobody forgets Smooth E.
Eric Schwartz: Nobody forgets, Lindsey.
Captain Brien: God.
Eric Schwartz: Monastery.
Captain Brien: The baldness is just life-changing.
Eric Schwartz: I tried to an impression of Big Mama, and it really hurt my voice.
Captain Brien: Did it?
Eric Schwartz: I went like this: “Hey, it’s Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.” Right?
Captain Brien: And then you had to wet your whistle?
Eric Schwartz: And I was like “Aw man, I can’t hack that.”
Captain Brien: Hey guys, this is the Captain’s Log, we are gonna go live right now on B1039, we just left 1055 The Beat, and I’m happy to have our comedian Eric Schwartz performing live all weekend, Off the Hook Comedy Club, get your tickets at offthehookcomedy.com, but more importantly, my buddy now, I appreciate being a friend of yours-
Eric Schwartz: Dude, likewise.
Captain Brien: It’s been a long time now, and I thank you for always being there.
Eric Schwartz: Thank you.
Captain Brien: Keep the funny going, man.
Eric Schwartz: I love the show, thanks for having me on.
Tommy Davidson joins the #naplescaptainslog to discuss sketch comedy and sings us a tune! Check out his voice!
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Captain Brien: We are live. Tommy Davidson. It’s an honor, I appreciate it buddy. Thanks for joining me on the Captain’s Log today. How’s everything?
Tommy Davidson: I love how the shades went down.
Captain Brien: I gotta kinda look good, you know?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, you just went shade down, shades down.
Captain Brien: I’m with Mr. Hollywood so I have to look all Hollywood for you.
Tommy Davidson: Shades down!
Captain Brien: You know? So what’s goin’ on man? How was the trip into Naples?
Tommy Davidson: It was good. Now, it’s about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Miami.
Captain Brien: Oh, you flew into Miami?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, no, I drove into here.
Captain Brien: But you landed in Miami?
Tommy Davidson: Landed in Miami, stayed there a couple of days but as you’re driving here, you don’t want to pop a tire because you think you’re in Jurassic Park.
Captain Brien: You crossed alligator alley.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, no, no like a literal raptor will come after you. But a beautiful drive and glad to be here and just, this is a corner of this world that’s kinda cool.
Captain Brien: It’s a little bit of a secret place, right?
Tommy Davidson: I mean, you know, I mean–
Captain Brien: Everyone’s found out about it now but it’s a little secret little paradise.
Tommy Davidson: I mean, I mean if you can find a road here. You know what I mean? If you can find a road here because I don’t know how people got here without a road.
Captain Brien: Right?
Tommy Davidson: You know what I mean? But, it has everything you want.
Captain Brien: Yup.
Tommy Davidson: I mean, come on. And I’m having a good time here. And it’s a good place to live if you’re a pair of golf shorts. Lot of golf goin’ on.
Captain Brien: Do you golf?
Tommy Davidson: I do not.
Captain Brien: I know you sing.
Tommy Davidson: I do not, but golf, what is golf? Trivia, quick, quickly.
Captain Brien: Okay, tell me.
Tommy Davidson: The game golf, what is the game golf guys? What is the game golf?
Captain Brien: Koba, Vicky, tell us, what’s golf?
Tommy Davidson: What is the game golf? Why is it called golf?
Captain Brien: I don’t know this.
Captain Brien: Okay? I’m a captain, I know fishing, not golf.
Tommy Davidson: Okay, golf is called, well there’s three names for a rabbit. Golf, hare and rabbit. The game is golf. Rabbit, rabbit into the hole. Boom!
Captain Brien: Oh, I see, I see. That’s good!
Tommy Davidson: You hit the rabbit.
Captain Brien: More importantly–
Tommy Davidson: Into the hole. Now, I don’t play
Captain Brien: I asked you don’t–
Tommy Davidson: That’s the only thing I know about golf.
Captain Brien: You don’t play golf, but you sing. I wanna hear a tune.
Tommy Davidson: Oh yeah?
Captain Brien: Yeah!
Captain Brien: ‘Cause you got a beautiful voice.
Tommy Davidson: I mean you name the tune… Or should I just start?
Captain Brien: You could just belt out a tune ’cause this, we’re live.
Tommy Davidson: ♪ Carry on my wayward son ♪ ♪ There’ll be peace when you are done ♪ ♪ Lay your weary head to rest ♪ ♪ Don’t you cry no more ♪
Captain Brien: That’s amazing, dude!
Tommy Davidson: That’s a little thing from Kansas back from you know, we’re not in Kansas anymore but…
Captain Brien: How did you just belt it out like that?
Tommy Davidson: I mean I can’t do it again.
Captain Brien: Just one time, that’s all you got?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, hold on.
Tommy Davidson: Hold on, hold on.
Captain Brien: That’s amazing though.
Tommy Davidson: See the blood, the blood.
Captain Brien: I got goosebumps.
Tommy Davidson: Ha!
Captain Brien: It’s good. It’s amazing.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, well amazing things happen when the cameras come on.
Captain Brien: The thing is like you’re the king of sketch comedy. In Living Color
Captain Brien: I’ll take that. Obviously like unbelievable.
Tommy Davidson: I’ll take that.
Captain Brien: It changed the comedy world, right?
Tommy Davidson: It changed the comedy landscape.
Captain Brien: I mean that was the thing. Like, if you weren’t watching In Living Color, you weren’t cool.
Tommy Davidson: You weren’t up on it.
Captain Brien: Right?
Tommy Davidson: You weren’t up on it and still it’s out there, still doing the same things that it was doing before which is making people cry laughing.
Captain Brien: What do you think about sketch comedy today? How do you feel, it’s changed? The same?
Tommy Davidson: It’s not that much of it.
Captain Brien: No.
Tommy Davidson: It’s not that much of it. So we were, we were the stock of it
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: at the time. And us, Saturday Night Live, were the stock of the sketch. Um, I don’t know much about sketch now because there’s not much. Now it’s reality.
Captain Brien: Now it’s all on the internet, I think. All the sketch
Tommy Davidson: Yeah. and the memes today.
Tommy Davidson: All the sketch, and… Okay, you’re right.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tommy Davidson: In the, what am I talking about? What am I talking about? You are absolutely right. And there is a lot of
Tommy Davidson:Well, the thing is. brilliant kids out there doing stuff.
Captain Brien: You were thinking about network sketch and I get that, there isn’t. You’re right.
Tommy Davidson: I mean, you know the internet wasn’t there.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tommy Davidson: So we had to do it that way. But, there is a lot of stuff.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: And a lot of it sucks.
Captain Brien: That’s out there.
Tommy Davidson: It really sucks.
Captain Brien: You know what’s hard for me to follow?
Tommy Davidson: A lot of it sucks, dude.
Captain Brien: The kids watch these YouTube clips and these memes.
Tommy Davidson: A lot of it sucks, man. Get outta here, man! A lot of it sucks.
Captain Brien: My kids would do it, like they’ll watch.
Tommy Davidson: But, some of it is really good.
Captain Brien: Some is.
Tommy Davidson: I mean, some of it is really good, and it doesn’t matter your age. My eight year old is watching stuff, And I’m going, “Wow, that’s really good. That’s really good. And who am I to say it sucks or whatever, because sucks is a matter of perception. Your age group, I mean, I suck. You know?
Captain Brien: Well, what do you suck at? Nothing! You can sing, you can dance, you can tell comedy.
Tommy Davidson: I suck to my 12 year old.
Captain Brien: Oh yeah, you’re not as cool.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: I know, they don’t . You’re cool with the whole world but to your 12 year old, you’re so lame. I’m the same way.
Tommy Davidson: I think I’m so fancy. I’m showing up.
Captain Brien: You were hanging with P Diddy.
Tommy Davidson: My son’s friends are looking at me like who’s the square?
Captain Brien: Right. You’re such a nerd.
Tommy Davidson: And I’m like, are you talking to me? I’ll bust you in your face.
Captain Brien: They don’t get it.
Tommy Davidson: I’ll bust you in your face, shorty. But, you know what? I love them.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Tommy Davidson: What are you kidding me?
Captain Brien: It’s amazing. Because they are me.
Captain Brien: And they are you without even realizing it. They get all the seeds, the juice. They know everything that you are knowing.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, they turn me on to stuff. Good stuff that I didn’t even know, you know, that they give me. And, I can get that from the internet. I can get that from social media by just watching them.
Captain Brien: I agree.
Tommy Davidson: It’s just so much.
Captain Brien: When you said that some of the sketch comedy stuff on the internet sucks, it’s just different. Like to me, I don’t get my kids will watch a clip that has five million views and they’ll show me. They’ll be like, “This is so funny”. And, I’ll watch it,
Captain Brien: And you’ll be like,
Tommy Davidson: And you’ll be like, “I don’t get it”.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s really not. The guy was really good at editing, and he kept your attention for 30 seconds. So you liked it. But, I don’t really know what the message is or what’s funny.
Tommy Davidson: But they do.
Captain Brien: They don’t either. I think they like the quickness. The snap, the boom!
Tommy Davidson: It’s popularity, you know? It’s popularity. It can get scary. Who’s the lady? The woman that comes into the screen?
Captain Brien: That does the weird?
Tommy Davidson: Like, Rich Bitch. You know, she got kids doing things. You know, “Jump out the window!”
Captain Brien: The tea. The girl that does the tea.
Tommy Davidson: What’s her name?
Captain Brien: You know the tea girl?
Tommy Davidson: She’s like, “Jump out the window now!” It’s scary.
Captain Brien: She has a scary face.
Tommy Davidson: They’re in kids rooms by themselves, and the kid is on the computer doing homework, and, “Jump out the window, now!” It’s like so crazy .
Captain Brien: What’s one of the most memorable experiences you had in comedy coming up? You’ve been doing this how many years now?
Tommy Davidson: 35.
Captain Brien: 35 years. And mostly touring that whole time as well. If you take a movie break
Captain Brien: All the time. or something like that. But, 35 years of comedy.
Tommy Davidson: All that time.
Captain Brien: How did you start and what’s one of your most memorable experiences?
Tommy Davidson: I started in a strip club in D.C.
Captain Brien: Really? As a stripper?
Tommy Davidson: As a friend, no, as a stripper. I was with Chicken Dales.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause I would watch you.
Captain Brien: I’m just kidding.
Tommy Davidson: A friend of mine said you should be doing comedy. He worked at the club.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: He called the manager and said, “I know a guy who’s funny.” I walked in, the guy said there’s the stage. And I looked at my friend. I said, “what do I do?” He said, “I don’t care, just get up there.” And, I haven’t stopped.
Captain Brien: Really?
Tommy Davidson: And all of a sudden, I’m in your car.
Captain Brien: Really?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause the people tell me all the time, “Oh, such and such is funny.” And to me, I’m like “Oh, that’s good. “I’m happy they’re funny. “Put them on the open mic and let them do some comedy, “it’s not the same.” So, that person was really, they either believed in you so much at that minute, because I hear this all the time. “Oh this guy is so funny, you should meet him.” I’m like, “Is he a comedian?” “No, but he’s just hysterical.”
Tommy Davidson: He’s funny, yeah.
Captain Brien: That’s one in a million, dude.
Tommy Davidson: He was right about me.
Captain Brien: You’re one in a million. That just doesn’t happen.
Tommy Davidson: And I didn’t know. I’m an anomaly.
Captain Brien: You are.
Tommy Davidson: I’m an anomaly.
Captain Brien: I don’t want to repeat that.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah. I’m an anomaly.
Captain Brien: Oh, man, so.
Tommy Davidson: Get it? Break that down. Almond. Ahmanomy. Anyway.
Captain Brien: No, I can’t. So you stepped on the stage
Tommy Davidson: That’s going viral. and how did it go?
Tommy Davidson: I killed.
Captain Brien: You killed!
Captain Brien: Killed. Again, never happens.
Tommy Davidson: From the beginning, from the very beginning, killed.
Captain Brien: Did you have a joke set? Or did you just talk?
Tommy Davidson: Nah, I just kinda talked but it was kinda there.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: And I just, from the first thing I said, they started laughing.
Captain Brien: Right away?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah. I wasn’t even old enough to be in the clubs, man. I just started killing from there from there, And went from there to New York.
Captain Brien: Did you ever bomb?
Tommy Davidson: I’ve bombed on stage. I’ve bombed off stage.
Captain Brien: Yeah .
Tommy Davidson: In life, but never bombed on stage.
Captain Brien: Wow, that’s amazing.
Tommy Davidson: Never bombed on stage.
Captain Brien: I think it’s the way you interact with the crowd, you read them. You read the audience as good as anybody’s ever done. And, I think that’s what the success is. What do you think?
Tommy Davidson: I think so. I’ll give you a good example. Off The Hook Comedy Club. Now as a comic, okay? As a comic my eyes like a quarterback’s.
Captain Brien: Sure.
Tommy Davidson: So, I’m reading the defense. The defense is the audience. It’s me versus their mind, to get into their mind something that’s humorous, that makes them laugh. So I have to look at who’s there, what’s there.
Captain Brien: Yep.
Tommy Davidson: And, go from there. I can’t just go, okay I’m going to do my act, you know that’s me. Everybody has their own individual thing. I can’t just do what I would do in New York or do in Brooklyn in an all black show. I can’t do what I’d do in Texas.
Captain Brien: We’re going to do breakfast with you, buddy. We’ll see you soon. So you’re reading the audience.
Tommy Davidson: Maybe, maybe Josh. Maybe. I know how to dial in.
Captain Brien: Yup.
Tommy Davidson: I’m like Tom Brady, man. Okay, I’ll send a tight-end this way. I’ll take this person outward this angle. I’ll try it, I’ll do this bit. So I have a catalog of plays that are here, and I can scramble.
Captain Brien: If you need to.
Tommy Davidson: I’m an excellent scrambler, too. And so, that’s how I bring shows together. That’s comedy technique from me. Everybody has their own approach, that’s mine.
Captain Brien: And how much writing do you do?
Tommy Davidson: I do writing for myself, by myself, and I do it here. It’s interesting. I don’t have a team of writers.
Captain Brien: And, you don’t write down literally on paper? I do, I do, I do.
Captain Brien: Oh you do, okay.
Tommy Davidson: I do write down on paper, but I gotta be working on a special or something. The rest is just in here, you know?
Captain Brien: And during the performance, how much is…
Tommy Davidson: ‘Cause of guys like Carlos Mencia around.
Captain Brien: Ad lib off the cuff? And how much is material that you’ve horned in and worked on that for a long time?
Tommy Davidson: It depends nightly.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: It depends nightly.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause every show you do is different. Like, you always mix it up. Some guys go, like you said, they’ll tell their set and they’ll run with it the whole show. But yours is kinda crafted, I think along the way.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, our kid wasn’t crafted off a pornographic disc from the Care Plus Kids. That was Chip Rock, circa 1991. Yeah, see?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I get it.
Tommy Davidson: Cancel the . So, that’s what happens with me. It’s something that I worked on for a long time. And, what I do is, I take all of the different comic techniques, and I blend them into one. And, I actually bit that from Bruce Lee.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah. So, Bruce Lee took all of the different fighting styles, all of the best of them, and then made his own style. Jeet Kune Do. So he took karate, judo, all of those, and then took the best out of them, and made a style.
Captain Brien: And that’s how you formulate your comedy show.
Tommy Davidson: That’s how I do my comedy.
Captain Brien: What’s one of the most memorable…
Tommy Davidson: No puppets.
Captain Brien: None.
Tommy Davidson: ‘Cause I’m just not good at that.
Captain Brien: Right . Least you’re not good at something.
Tommy Davidson: The guys who’re good at that, oh my God, are good at it.
Captain Brien: I’m happy you’re not good at one thing, ’cause it’s embarrassing. You’re in the car singing, dancing, talking, give another brother a chance.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, yeah, no puppets.
Captain Brien: You gotta have a…
Tommy Davidson: The puppet dudes are off the hook.
Captain Brien: They are off the hook.
Tommy Davidson: I would’ve said that anyway. I would’ve said that anyway.
Captain Brien: Yeah, no, I get it.
Tommy Davidson: I would’ve said that anyway.
Captain Brien: It’s gone a long way with the name. It’s been good. It’s a double, uh,
Tommy Davidson: Watch out! No, I’m kidding.
Captain Brien: Let me ask you a question. In your career, what’s the one thing you’re most proud of that you’ve done.
Tommy Davidson: I’ve stayed as Tommy Davidson’s, Barbara Davidson’s youngest son.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Tommy Davidson: And that says,
Captain Brien: Along the way.
Tommy Davidson: That says a lot. That says a lot. That little boy.
Captain Brien: You’re the youngest of how many?
Tommy Davidson: I’m the youngest of three. And that little boy saw so much, and went through so much. And that family
Captain Brien: Because you’re…
Tommy Davidson: Went through so much. That for me to still be her son, to still be what she created in me.
Captain Brien: Because, people may not know the story. I don’t even know if I knew it before today. I think I’ve heard the story, but you were abandoned as a baby.
Tommy Davidson: Mmhmm.
Captain Brien: Was it? What happened? Is it a dumpster? What was it?
Tommy Davidson: No, it was a pile of trash on the side of a house. It was a random, kinda, finding of me. And, that, I’m sitting here now.
Captain Brien: Wow. Unbelievable.
Tommy Davidson: It really happened, it’s not something that I’ve talked about a lot. But, now I’m talking about it a lot.
Captain Brien: As a baby you were abandoned. Your mother who raised you is not your biological mother.
Tommy Davidson: No.
Captain Brien: She adopted you and she found you.
Tommy Davidson: Mmhmm.
Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Unprecedented.
Tommy Davidson: And, I had nothing to do with it.
Captain Brien: Nothing.
Tommy Davidson: Nothing to do with it.
Captain Brien: You were a baby, you were an infant.
Tommy Davidson: I had nothing to do with it.
Captain Brien: How old were you?
Tommy Davidson: They think I was almost two.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, somewhere around 18 months.
Captain Brien: And then, for her to raise you and, I mean, that’s just, she has an amazing heart.
Tommy Davidson: It’s a good story and it’s true. And, with all the bad stories that are out there, I’m glad to be able to represent a really good story.
Captain Brien: Right.
Tommy Davidson: Watch the news for one second, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Captain Brien: I agree.
Tommy Davidson: You’ll know what I’m talking about.
Captain Brien: What were the loopholes? How did she navigate the system to be able to adopt you? When you find a child today it doesn’t work like that.
Tommy Davidson: Well, she’s wicked smart.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Tommy Davidson: Always has been, so, she was able to finesse that back then, and make it work, thank God. I am definitely her greatest achievement. Her and my brother and my sister. Were her greatest achievements because she passed onto us the way she rolls. The way she rolls is, hey, man, everybody’s the same. Everybody deserves a decent shot at whatever. Don’t wait for the holidays to be happy, make it everyday.
Captain Brien: That’s how you live your life.
Tommy Davidson: That’s how she rolls.
Captain Brien: Every time I’m with you, you’re smiling. Every time I see you, you’re happy. It’s contagious. I mean, it really is. Which is obviously why you have a successful 35 year career in comedy.
Tommy Davidson: It helps.
Captain Brien: Or in anything, I mean. To be able to do something for that long, like, negative people with negative vibes, they don’t exist that long.
Tommy Davidson: Not from what I’ve seen.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Tommy Davidson: Not from what I’ve seen, but, there’s two sides to the world.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Tommy Davidson: There’s the negative charged, and sometimes they go on forever.
Captain Brien: It’s shocking when that happens.
Tommy Davidson: Sometimes they go on forever, and sometimes you be like, “What am I doing? “What am I doing wrong?” You’re not doing anything wrong.
Captain Brien: But, your time will come if you stay positive.
Tommy Davidson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Always.
Tommy Davidson: That time being right now.
Captain Brien: That’s right. And you could see him at Off the Hook comedy club all week. Tonight.
Tommy Davidson: Right now at this moment.
Captain Brien: Saturday and Sunday.
Tommy Davidson: Diane, how you doing, girl?
Captain Brien: Diane Lewis. Anthony.
Tommy Davidson: Anthony Angelini. Yeah, I got that right!
Captain Brien: Go see it. Of the Hook comedy dot com, get your tickets.
Tommy Davidson: I see you Lewis. Thank you for watching, bro.
Captain Brien: Tommy Davidson. We’ve been friends now for, how many years have we known each other?
Tommy Davidson: I’m gonna say 11 or 12.
Captain Brien: 11 or 12 years?
Tommy Davidson: Yeah, something like that.
Captain Brien: It’s been an honor to be your friend.
Tommy Davidson: Pre Fab Homes! Okay, but go ahead.
Captain Brien: I’ll tell you, it’s never a dull moment.
Tommy Davidson: Pre Fab Homes, man!
Captain Brien: Who’s more hyper in the morning, me or you? ‘Cause you told me to turn it down.
Tommy Davidson: I think we’re tied. Yeah, we’re fencing.
Captain Brien: You told me like, “Dude this is too much, hold on.”
Tommy Davidson: When he came to pick me up at the hotel he just flew into my focus, “Hi there!” “How’s it going, man? “Oh, I’m up! “Things are good! Hold on my kids! “Yeah, get in the Uber, get out of here!”
Captain Brien: Guys listen up. I got Tommy Davidson on the Captain’s Log. Don’t miss him at Off the Hook, and guess what, we appreciate you watching. Tune in every day. You can always like and share. But, more importantly, go to any app and rate us. If you like the show, give us a five-star. Even if you’re just rating Tommy, I’m sure he’s five-stars.
Tommy Davidson: You can rate me, you can rate me.
Captain Brien: And have a good time. We appreciate you watching. We’re gonna be live now on B 1 0 3 9, tune in. We out!
Comedian Erik Myers back again on the #naplescaptainslog to discuss the infamous 911 call
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Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
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Comedian Ahmed Ahmed joins the #naplescaptainslog and discusses living in Malaysia and the culture, how he knew he wanted to be a comedian, and tells us the time he slept on Vince Vaughn’s couch!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Comedian Ahmed Ahmed out and show him some love at:
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: We’re gonna be live in a second. And we’re live! This is the Captain’s Log with Ahmed Ahmed.
Ahmed Ahmed: Hey.
Captain Brien: Thanks buddy, appreciate you coming on the show!
Ahmed Ahmed: Hey, thanks for having me.
Captain Brien: All the way from Malaysia.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.
Captain Brien: That must be amazing, so, you could scroll it down and do that little side now.
Ahmed Ahmed: Can I do that?
Captain Brien: Share, yeah yeah, when you’re done with your happy dance.
Ahmed Ahmed: Happy to see you, pal.
Captain Brien: Oh, so it’s a good time, it really is, I appreciate you reaching out to me all the way from–
Ahmed Ahmed: Here we are.
Captain Brien: Malaysia!
Ahmed Ahmed: So share, right?
Captain Brien: When, yeah, you hit the share button and then you could show your people that you’re actually in the US, right?
Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.
Captain Brien: ‘Cause you’ve been in Malaysia for three years?
Ahmed Ahmed: A year.
Captain Brien: A year.
Ahmed Ahmed: I moved to Malaysia January last year.
Captain Brien: January last year.
Ahmed Ahmed: Just over a year.
Captain Brien: It feels like three years.
Ahmed Ahmed: It does kind of, I kind of feel like I got stuck in time when I moved to Asia.
Captain Brien: Is it, is that because things move differently out there, or?
Ahmed Ahmed: Well, it’s a little bit of a slower culture.
Captain Brien: It is.
Ahmed Ahmed: You know things just don’t move as quickly.
Captain Brien: What about the technology?
Ahmed Ahmed: Technology is just the same, it’s the same. I just think because it’s, you have to remember, it’s also very hot and humid country.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: So people, like, tend to not wanna work as hard, just ’cause it’s so hot, like you think Florida is hot and humid–
Captain Brien:What’s the average?
Ahmed Ahmed: You ain’t seen nothing.
Ahmed Ahmed: Man, on any given day, like–
Captain Brien: You might have to talk a little louder we’re not mic’d.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, hi, can you hear me everybody? .
Captain Brien: Yes .
Ahmed Ahmed: On any given day in Malaysia, it can get up to a hundred degrees, and then a–
Captain Brien: But it’s humid, right?
Ahmed Ahmed: A hundred percent humidity.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Ahmed Ahmed: So you just walk outside, poof, you’re just sweating.
Captain Brien: Yeah, instantly.
Ahmed Ahmed: Instantly, and, which sucks, ’cause then you have to go to a place where you have to look presentable and you’re like dripping sweat.
Captain Brien: Right, right.
Ahmed Ahmed: The good news is that they have air conditioning everywhere you go.
Captain Brien: Serious? So it’s not like you’re in like little rickshaws running around?
Ahmed Ahmed: No, it’s not, it’s not Thailand .
Captain Brien: Yeah .
Ahmed Ahmed: It’s not, it’s not Bangkok.
Captain Brien: It’s not, it’s not.
Ahmed Ahmed: No.
Captain Brien: But it’s like all, everything is the same as we have here or what?
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, I mean, Malaysia for many years was considered a third world country.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: Now it’s being called a developing country.
Captain Brien:- Hmm-mm.
Ahmed Ahmed: And in 2020, I’m just gonna tag you on that.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: In 2020 it’s gonna be, it’s gonna be announced a, A developed country.
Captain Brien: This is good for the show.
Ahmed Ahmed: Sorry .
Captain Brien: This is good for the show. I like that, I like the actual pause.
Ahmed Ahmed: Did you show that already?
Captain Brien: I did, I did.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, I was gonna share it to both my pages.
Captain Brien: You could do it the other one now.
Ahmed Ahmed: Can I do it now?
Captain Brien: Yeah, you can do it the same time anyway.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, okay.
Captain Brien: So you had to do one in a time.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, okay.
Captain Brien: And, very interesting, I would, I kinda wanna go out there because I did do Hong Kong and China and stuff, but I didn’t spend enough time that I got to live the culture and everything else.
Ahmed Ahmed: I think, I think you would like Asia
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: Well Malaysia specifically, but as I was mentioning earlier you know, you have 45 minutes away Singapore, Thailand, you know, an hour and 20 minutes, Philippines, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Japan is a six hour flight, it’s like all kinda right there.
Captain Brien: With a lot of U.S influence?
Ahmed Ahmed: A lot, like, you can honestly feel like you are in Times Square, New York City when you’re in the Downtown part of Kuala Lumpur.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: And it’s, you know , skyscrapers, nice fine dining restaurants, speakeasy bars, you know lounges,
Captain Brien: Strip clubs?
Ahmed Ahmed: Fast foods. There aren’t any strip clubs.
Captain Brien: Really?
Ahmed Ahmed: But they do have these kind of, I don’t know what you call them,
Captain Brien: Do they have karaoke bars?
Ahmed Ahmed: They do have karaoke.
Captain Brien: Ah.
Ahmed Ahmed: I actually felt like–
Captain Brien: Where there’s very little karaoke going on in those bars?
Ahmed Ahmed: No they have, they actually do have like, you know, the proper karaoke rooms where you get a room–
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: And just you and your friends and like the little, sort of box–
Captain Brien: And do they have the little Geisha Girls come out?
Ahmed Ahmed: Well some of the nightclubs do,
Captain Brien: Yes.
Ahmed Ahmed: But they, and they don’t have any strip clubs, but they have this, and I’ve never been to it, but there’s a couple of these places where you like, you go in and you like, have to buy a woman a rose and then she’ll come and sit on your lap and have a drink and it’s like that kind of thing. I haven’t done that.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: But I’ve driven past this establishment a couple times. But, you know, there’s also, and again this exists all over the world, but you know, there is quite a bit of prostitution.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: You know–
Captain Brien: But it’s not legal.
Ahmed Ahmed: No, I mean, Asia, it’s kind of all over Asia, but–
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: You know, they have like their massage parlors and they’re like, whatever.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: Dodgy, happy-ending spots and that kinda thing.
Captain Brien: Sure, sure.
Ahmed Ahmed: But, but no, no strip clubs, but great night life scene, the company I worked for, LOL Events, we, there’s like, there’s this leading comedy, events company in Malaysia. And so they’ve hosted everybody, Kevin Hart, Margaret Cho, Russell Peters, Jeff Dunham, Fluffy.
Captain Brien: And the people know these acts from the internet obviously.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, so–
Captain Brien: Is the TV very similar to our TV? Or is it completely different?
Ahmed Ahmed: So they have a local station that’s called Astro, their local station does like Malaysia, local Malaysian content. So, their language there is Bahasa, so they’ll speak, they’ll, have a lot of programming and adsense of Bahasa.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: But they’re trying to cross over to more American content. That’s kind of why I moved there, was to–
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: Help develop the content creation inside of the company, film, television, that kinda thing.
Captain Brien: Do they like us in the U.S?
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, there’s a lot of U.S influence in Malaysia, you know–
Captain Brien: So you’re cooler, are you cooler if you’re from the U.S over there?
Captain Brien: Do they like that?
Ahmed Ahmed: I don’t think people really give that much of a shit about it.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: But they do like American brands.
Captain Brien: They do.
Ahmed Ahmed: So anything, anything that’s like, that was started in the west, that caught on.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: Will take off in Malaysia.
Captain Brien: Thank God.
Ahmed Ahmed: And everything from like clothes to food, pop culture, music.
Captain Brien: They just gravitate towards it, they love that.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah like Guns N Roses was just there last year.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: Like for the third time.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: And like who would’ve ever thought Guns N Roses–
Captain Brien: Right, a little extra.
Ahmed Ahmed: And they’re performing, it was raining too, like they were out doors and people are just like, yeah! You know, PAradise City!.
Captain Brien: That’s fun, that’s a good time, though.
Ahmed Ahmed: But you, I think you’d love it man, it’s, I do miss my family and friends and the U.S, but I’m just gigging Asia right now.
Captain Brien: Cool.
Ahmed Ahmed: I wrote this new hour of material, I’m gonna try it all this weekend.
Captain Brien: Speaking of new material, you are performing this weekend at Off the Hook Comedy Club.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.
Captain Brien: Get tickets at offthehookcomedy.com
Ahmed Ahmed: Yes.
Captain Brien: They can find you on Instagram @ahmedahmed?
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, it’s @ahmedcomedy A-H-M-E-D comedy, that’s also my Twitter handle.
Captain Brien: Tell me about the first time you hopped on stage, what was that like, how did you know you wanted to be a comedian?
Ahmed Ahmed: Well, I actually started out as an actor.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: I was always funny as a kid, cracking jokes, do like school plays and I was considered like, the class clown in school and, I was never the guy who would put like a tack on the teacher’s desk or–
Captain Brien: Okay, yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: Chair, I wasn’t that guy.
Captain Brien: You weren’t the prankster.
Ahmed Ahmed: I wasn’t the prankster, but–
Captain Brien: You were just a funny dude.
Ahmed Ahmed: I was just a funny guy, I’d be in the corner like, cracking jokes and get people to laugh and I was always in the detention room and that. But I never took it seriously–
Captain Brien: Same here.
Ahmed Ahmed: You were the same guy?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: I never took it seriously though, and then, like the comedy side of it. And then I grew up watching a lot of like, dramatic film, so I was like, you know, Robert De Niro, Clint Eastwood, Denzel Washington, all these dramatic actors–
Captain Brien: And those were your heroes?
Ahmed Ahmed: They fascinated me, ’cause I was like, you know, they were just a great screen presence and I was literally living in movie theaters. You know, remember the days where you’d go buy a ticket for one movie, then you sneak in to like 10 other movies.
Captain Brien: Yeah yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: I’d spend 10 hours at the movie theater on the weekends.
Captain Brien: Really? I did that like once in my life.
Ahmed Ahmed: I did it almost every weekend, just–
Captain Brien: Wow!
Ahmed Ahmed: I did it to escape from my house, ’cause I didn’t like being home .
Captain Brien: Okay, okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: I had like strict parents–
Captain Brien: I probably didn’t do it ’cause I never had that much time, I was running from one athletic event to the next, to the next, to the next.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, I wasn’t that active when I was a kid, but I was active, but I wasn’t into sports and stuff.
Captain Brien: How do I say Hireem? Hireem, he’s a comedian, right?
Ahmed Ahmed: Hiram, Hiram.
Captain Brien: He’s a comedian, yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: Hiram.
Captain Brien: Jennifer Allen, what’s up guys.
Ahmed Ahmed: Allen, what’s up everybody.
Captain Brien: Welcome to the Captain’s Log.
Ahmed Ahmed: Jennifer, how you doing?
Captain Brien: Say hi to Ahmed Ahmed.
Ahmed Ahmed: If you guys are in Annapolis, come to the shows this weekend.
Captain Brien: Yeah, we got a great show coming your way. Two tonight, two tomorrow, and one Sunday, Mother’s Day.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh yeah, Mother’s Day celebration–
Captain Brien: It’s a good show.
Ahmed Ahmed: Come laugh with us on Mother’s Day.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. You gotta bring your mom out, hang out with us. So, you was telling me, so far haven’t answered my question.
Ahmed Ahmed: Oh, yeah, so, so, I–
Captain Brien: Who’s more AD, me or you?
Ahmed Ahmed: I think together, we have–
Captain Brien: Yeah, okay, okay, that’s good.
Ahmed Ahmed: ADHD .
Captain Brien: Yes, I agree.
Ahmed Ahmed: So I just kind of, I moved to Hollywood when I was 19.
Captain Brien: Yup.
Ahmed Ahmed: I started working as an actor, I played a lot of terrorists in a lot of movies.
Captain Brien: Shocking.
Ahmed Ahmed: Shocking!
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: So, I was in Executive Decision, where I played terrorist number four, I was in, I was in the first Iron Man movie.
Captain Brien: Yeah, you were.
Ahmed Ahmed: So I helped kick-start the Marvel Universe, you’re welcome. But then they killed me.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: Well that was fun, and then I just, I, the problem with Hollywood is, Hollywood, is that you, you don’t get a lot of opportunities to, to play other parts other than what your stereotype is.
Captain Brien: Right, once they cast you kinda that way.
Ahmed Ahmed: That’s it. Unless you are lucky enough to do a part in a movie–
Captain Brien: Unless you’re like Matt Damon or,
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah like you write your own ticket, you know Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, they wrote Good Will Hunting, they won an Oscar, then they could do whatever they want.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: You know, you gotta, you kinda gotta get kissed into the party, you know, Hollywood. And I just never really did, they wanted me to change my name I didn’t wanna do it. Anyway, fast forward I quit acting, I ran out of money, I actually slept–
Captain Brien: Very typical.
Ahmed Ahmed: Very typical, I slept–
Captain Brien: Hollywood dream.
Ahmed Ahmed: Hollywood dream, I slept on my old buddy, Vince Vaughn’s couch, for about a year.
Captain Brien: He’s kinda famous.
Ahmed Ahmed: He’s a little famous.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: You probably heard of him.
Captain Brien: How did you get hooked up with Vince Vaughn, to sleep on his couch?
Ahmed Ahmed: So we met,
Captain Brien: You can’t jump into that.
Ahmed Ahmed: No, well I met him before he was famous.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: We did it after, well not we, I was an extra in an afterschool special that he was the co-star in,
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: And we met on that thing. And you know, do you know the Peter Billingsley?
Captain Brien: I know the name, yes.
Ahmed Ahmed: He used to be an actor.
Captain Brien: Yes.
Ahmed Ahmed: Now he’s a producer, director–
Captain Brien: Okay, right.
Ahmed Ahmed: He was Ralphie in Christmas story.
Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: So he produces, now he produces all of Vince Vaughn’s movies and runs a production company, but he was the star of this afterschool special at the time. Vince played the best friend. It was a story about this young kid nerd, who wanted to impress this girl, but she only dated jocks,
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: So he joined the track team, but he wasn’t fast enough, so he took steroids.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: And then Vince Vaughn was the friend who’s like, don’t do drugs, I’m gonna tell the coach.
Captain Brien: And this was an afterschool special.
Ahmed Ahmed: An afterschool special that I was an extra–
Captain Brien: Do they still do afterschool specials?
Ahmed Ahmed: CBS school break special, I think they call them now.
Captain Brien: Really.
Ahmed Ahmed: I don’t know, I remember back in the days–
Captain Brien: Afterschool special for that age, is probably a thirty second clip.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah. .
Captain Brien: And they watch six of them and they’re done.
Ahmed Ahmed: Right. Almost like a weather .
Captain Brien: Right, right.
Ahmed Ahmed: So then we met, I was an extra, I played one of the guys on the track team who, when I found out Peter’s character took steroids, I kinda like, roll my eyes.
Captain Brien: Is this leading up to how the hell you became a comic?
Ahmed Ahmed: So this is how I met, so yeah, so when I started out as an actor, ’cause you asked me how I met Vince.
Captain Brien: Yes.
Ahmed Ahmed: That’s how I met him. So we met, we became friends, I started taking acting classes, and then the first part of the story, me doing all the terrorist parts and all of that. Then I got sick of it, I ran out of money. Vince offered me his couch.
Captain Brien: Yep.
Ahmed Ahmed: At this point he and I–
Captain Brien: That was cool of him.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, he had just done the movie, Swingers.
Captain Brien: Yeah!
Ahmed Ahmed: And then he launched him to stardom right after that and he was traveling around the world filming movies. So he’s like, hey, just stay at my place while I’m gone, and he’s always super nice and supportive and, such a smart, funny, awesome businessman and just cool friend. And then I was starting waiting tables at Kevin Costner’s restaurant, actually.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: He used to own a restaurant called Twin Palms in Pasadena.
Captain Brien: That must be like, that must have been like the cool place if you were aspiring actor, to work at his place.
Ahmed Ahmed: This was when Kevin Costner was like at the top of his game.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: And so he opened this like beautiful 500 seat, indoor, outdoor country–
Captain Brien: ‘Cause he had needed a tax break.
Ahmed Ahmed: He needed a task break.
Captain Brien: He needed to lose more money.
Ahmed Ahmed: He needed to lose more money, so opened his restaurant with his wife. Him and Cindy Costner owned it, and I was the head waiter there–
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: And I was making a lot of money as a waiter ’cause I was making my customers laugh.
Captain Brien: Of course.
Ahmed Ahmed: And I thought, why don’t I just get rid of the food and just do the funny? And so that’s kinda how it all started, I got, you know, I made a lot of money as a waiter and I was just like, you know what, let me just try stand up and I did one night, I went up on stage in front of 40 comics, did a open mic, and then I killed,
Captain Brien: Which is not typical.
Ahmed Ahmed: Which is not typical and then I bombed for like–
Captain Brien: That’s normal, right.
Ahmed Ahmed: ‘Cause I thought I was so good.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: I didn’t realize, oh this is a craft, you have to take it seriously, and right jokes and know your timing and–
Captain Brien: Yeah, the stars can’t align every night you get on stage, you actually have that material.
Ahmed Ahmed: Bro, I bombed just the other night, at a open mic night. Kind of on accident too, I was at the Comedy Inn in Miami, killing every night, awesome shows and then I go to this open mic on a Monday just to like, just to see what was up in downtown Miami, and I aided so bad. But it felt good, it was–
Captain Brien: Yeah, it should.
Ahmed Ahmed: It was like a humbling experience,
Captain Brien: Right, right.
Ahmed Ahmed: And it grounded me. ‘Cause comics–
Captain Brien: You work on new material, sometimes that’s why you work on it.
Ahmed Ahmed: You gotta fail to succeed.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: So I just, I started doing standup, I got pretty good at it, I started running comedy rooms, because I couldn’t get booked at the major comedy clubs.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: So I just started, I started this room called Dublin’s, with a guy named Jay Davids,
Captain Brien: Yeah, I know Jay well.
Ahmed Ahmed: So now he books, he’s the vice, VP of talent at the Laugh Factory now.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: So him and I started a room in Hollywood, at a place called Dublin’s, Bubblin in Dublin Jay Z?
Captain Brien: Yep, yep.
Ahmed Ahmed: Every Tuesday night, rain or shine. Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle, Joe Rogan, Carlos Mencia–
Captain Brien: Sick shows.
Ahmed Ahmed: Like, because we were writing between the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store, so we were the hub, for like cool, and we had like, celebrities would come every week, hot chicks, librarians, doctors.
Captain Brien: How long has Jay had that title at the Laugh Factory these days?
Ahmed Ahmed: About, just over a year.
Captain Brien: Okay, okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, so he’s, he’s booking all the talent at the Laugh Factory.
Captain Brien: That’s great.
Ahmed Ahmed: So he started that room, one night, who you know very well, Pauly Shore came in.
Captain Brien: Yep.
Ahmed Ahmed: Pauly Shore came in with like five hot playboy play bates. And he was like, ‘hey buddy, what’s up buddy?’
Captain Brien: Hasn’t changed.
Ahmed Ahmed: What’s up buddy?
Captain Brien: Hasn’t changed a bit.
Ahmed Ahmed: He’s like, ‘hey why don’t you guys come in?’ Well, we said, ‘hey do you wanna go on stage?’ And he said, ‘sure’, he went up on stage, he killed it. He came out, what’s up Douggy, what’s up Allen.
Captain Brien: Hey Doug, Allen, what’s going on?
Ahmed Ahmed: So, Pauly goes on stage, he has a great set, he comes off stage, and he’s like, ‘why don’t you guys ‘come to my mom’s club and do a night there?’ The Comedy Store, Mitzi Shore. So we did, we called the show Rot Comedy.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Ahmed Ahmed: Jay hosted, I would throw myself up at the lineup every week, we took the best of the best from Dublin’s and put them on at the Comedy Store. So it was Sam Tripoli, Sebastian Maniscalco,
Captain Brien: All great comics.
Ahmed Ahmed: You know, murderers, right.
Captain Brien: Right.
Ahmed Ahmed: And then, Mitzi Shore was in the room one night, and she caught my set, and she came out to me afterwards and she said, ‘hey you’re very funny’, that’s what she talks.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: Hey, you’re very funny. I said thanks, she said, ‘are you, are you Arabic?’
Ahmed Ahmed: I said, ‘Arabic, oh yeah.’ She goes, ‘oh from where?’ I said, I’m from Egypt. She goes, ‘oh, you know we used to be your slaves.’ And she walked away, and I was like, ‘oof, that wasn’t good’
Captain Brien: Yeah yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: And then I got a call the next day and they’re like, she wants to make you a paid regular.
Captain Brien: That’s it, boom!
Ahmed Ahmed: Sounds like, oh now I work for you.
Captain Brien: That was great!
Ahmed Ahmed: So, and so that’s how I got of the Comedy Store, then I eventually got at the Laugh Factory and the improv and I started kinda make my way around the comedy scene and then I ended up touring the world, I got in a sitcom with Steve Burns, Vince Vaughn producer and Peter Billingsley And then you know, I just kinda made my way around Hollywood for 20 plus years and,
Captain Brien: Been touring.
Ahmed Ahmed: Touring and–
Captain Brien: Playing all the comedy clubs in the country.
Ahmed Ahmed: Playing all the comedy clubs, you know I’m really lucky to like, to have established some great relationships with, you know, awesome people like yourself. Not everybody wants to book a comic through a comic, they wanna go through an agent and a manager And, I was shocked how many club-bookers were like, yeah have your agent book me or you know, I was just like, okay, I can talk to you.
Captain Brien: Right. Well it goes the opposite way too when you reach out to a comic and they’re like, ‘hey talk to my agent.’
Ahmed Ahmed: Talk to my agent. And then you have to jump through all those groups.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Ahmed Ahmed: I guess it goes both ways.
Captain Brien: So it does go both ways. Well guys, my guest Ahmed Ahmed gonna be at Off The Hook comedy club this weekend. This is the Captain’s Log, thanks for watching. Hey Keith, before I say goodbye, I wanna say hello. I’ll see everybody tomorrow–
Ahmed Ahmed: What’s up guys.
Captain Brien: At the–
Ahmed Ahmed: Tee Bone, My buddy.
Captain Brien: Great City.canooeaces. Hey Tee Bone in the house, what’s up from Dubai. Honey, how are you?
Ahmed Ahmed: Hey guys.
Captain Brien: Anyway guys, we are out, I will be live tomorrow from the canoe races in Naples, Florida. I love you guys the most, we’re back.
Comedian J Chris Newberg joins the #naplescaptainslog and sings us some improv songs on his guitar! Tune in “Little Buddies!”
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Captain Brien: We are live. J Chris Newberg guys, what’s happening?
J Chris Newberg: This is the brand new theme song to your show.
Captain Brien: I’m ready. I’m gonna share it.
J Chris Newberg: Okay. Tell me when you want me to start.
Captain Brien: You can start.
J Chris Newberg: Okay. ♪ We’re down in Florida ♪ ♪ That’s in Florida ♪ ♪ We’re on a podcast ♪ ♪ In a car ♪ ♪ It’s a Captain’s Log ♪ ♪ And Brien will not drive unless I’m playing ♪ ♪ My guitar ♪
Captain Brien: We have to play the guitar.
J Chris Newberg: ♪ And if you doubt how much I die if we crashed ♪ ♪ You would not be wrong ♪ ♪ What’s up with that ♪ ♪ Get your vodka ♪ ♪ Get your comedy ♪ ♪ Get your early morning radio three stops before 8:00 a.m. ♪ ♪ Oh it’s 8:39 Captain’s Log ♪
Captain Brien: Thank you, that was off the cuff buddy. Here we go.
J Chris Newberg: I think people could tell.
Captain Brien: You think, you think?
J Chris Newberg: I think they could figure it out.
Captain Brien: You don’t think that was scripted.
J Chris Newberg: No, I think it was good.
Captain Brien: Appreciate you joining me man. It wasn’t really by choice. You just have to do radio and this is what we do for touring comedians, huh?
J Chris Newberg: This is the gig.
Captain Brien: And I get you in the car so I can ask you a bunch of good questions.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, comedians with guitars getting driven.
Captain Brien: In the cars.
J Chris Newberg: In the cars.
Captain Brien: With guitars.
J Chris Newberg: With guitars.
Captain Brien: And you didn’t want a coffee this morning, huh? I asked you.
J Chris Newberg: I don’t drink coffee.
Captain Brien: I asked you if you want Dunkin’ Donuts, anything.
J Chris Newberg: Nope.
Captain Brien: Breakfast or nothing, you just go straight up.
J Chris Newberg: No I’m trying to starve myself for when I host Confetti on Wednesday.
Captain Brien: Oh okay, so is this a fast? That’s what they call it these days.
J Chris Newberg: Well no, I do the intermittent fasting. Yeah, twice a week.
Captain Brien: How does that work? Tell me what you do.
J Chris Newberg: Well you just, it’s 16 hours in between meals where all you’re allowed is water.
Captain Brien: Right.
J Chris Newberg: It’s not so hard.
Captain Brien: No it’s not that hard ’cause you do it at night. I do it actually.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah you go like, I’ll stop eating at like nine. And then I can eat at 1:00 p.m.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s not that hard.
J Chris Newberg: No and people are always so confused, they’re like, well they should call breakfast something ’cause you’re breaking a fast. I’m like, how ’bout breakfast?
Captain Brien: Yeah breakfast.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, which is another thing. It’s just like, why don’t they have a magazine about making America great again called Magazine?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I get it.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, that’s a thing, that’s a thing.
Captain Brien: That should be coming.
J Chris Newberg: Shout out to Carl Rimi.
Captain Brien: Carl Rimi, comedian extraordinaire, been on the show many times, my good buddy.
J Chris Newberg: Carl, I hope he didn’t make you play guitar.
Captain Brien: No, Carl doesn’t play the guitar. Carl likes to hit the gym, works out.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, he knows about intermittent fasting.
Captain Brien: That’s right, that’s right he does, he does. So where are you coming in from?
J Chris Newberg: I was just in Los Angeles. And I flew to Florida, Flo-Rida, as the cool kids like to call it, by way of Atlanta.
Captain Brien: Atlanta, the ATL.
J Chris Newberg: Yep, the ATL. Heard a really horrible conversation. I refer to myself as airplane Chris. When I get tired, I get irritated, like irritable. And I’m not even doin’ a bit. Like I just can’t not get annoyed out loud. And I’m a pretty calm person, but like if I haven’t slept in a bunch. There was this guy and he was hitting on this girl in front of me. You know, like when you’re in line on the jetway, and you’re just trying to get on the plane and it’s all bottlenecked and whatever. This guy’s in front of me and he’s like oh, there’s a Shake Shack here at the airport. Isn’t that weird? And she’s like, that is weird. He’s like I like Shake Shack shakes. He’s like, they’re good. She’s like, that is weird. He’s like, do you take Uber? And I was like, come on. What are you talking about?
Captain Brien: What are you doing? J Chris Newberg is our guest today on the Captain’s Log. Guys, you can find him @thechrisarmy right?
J Chris Newberg: @thechrisarmy. Shoutout to Brendan Mulvena.
Captain Brien: Yeah, Brendan Mulvena in the house watching the Captain’s Log here today. So Chris, this is what, is this your fifth or sixth time here?
J Chris Newberg: I think it’s more than that. I was two years prior to when the pipe burst in Marco Island at that house we stayed at.
Captain Brien: Oh wow, in the ceiling or whatever?
J Chris Newberg: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah, and the whole ceiling fell.
J Chris Newberg: Whole ceiling fell. I was there two years before that.
Captain Brien: Wow, that was a while ago. My goodness. So you might even have been 10 times here.
J Chris Newberg: I think so, yeah.
Captain Brien: And have we ever done the Captain’s Log?
J Chris Newberg: No, this is the first time on the Log.
Captain Brien: This is the first time on the Log man. It’s because I was kinda lazy. I would only do it randomly. I should have done it all the time though.
J Chris Newberg: First off, you’ve never been lazy. Shout out to Vicki Baker.
Captain Brien: Hey Vicki.
J Chris Newberg: You’ve never been lazy. Every time I come in town you’re like, oh I got this new thing. I invented the straw, you know. Or like oh, have you thought about putting, you know, iPads on top of the roof of your car so that like planes can see. You’re a hustler.
Captain Brien: I know, I know. I’m always coming up with something. Imagine if I acted on everything that I thought of though.
J Chris Newberg: I mean, there’s time.
Captain Brien: There is, there is. I try to do as much as I can, but I can’t do it all. It’s the story of my life.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, it’s crazy.
Captain Brien: One day, something’s gonna hit big though.
J Chris Newberg: Absolutely.
Captain Brien: It’s gonna hit big, big time.
J Chris Newberg: I believe in it.
Captain Brien: You know, I’m pushing this vodka right now.
J Chris Newberg: Oh that’s right you have vodka.
Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.
J Chris Newberg: Sugar free, is it better? Or is it competitive with Tito’s?
Captain Brien: It is. It’s actually very similar because the style of distilling that Tito’s does, we do the same thing. Although, we’re 26 calories less than Tito’s. I don’t want to brag but.
J Chris Newberg: No, you don’t need to. It brags itself.
Captain Brien: It’s organic and it’s all Florida made.
J Chris Newberg: You’re using all the right buzzwords.
Captain Brien: We are, we are.
J Chris Newberg: Do you only use that vodka in your restaurant?
Captain Brien: I do, I do.
J Chris Newberg: So no one can, if I come in, I’m like, I’d like a Tito’s.
Captain Brien: We have Tito’s and we have well. But for the most part, everything is, all of our specialty drinks are Captain Briens. All my gin, my rum, my vodka, my dark rum. It’s all made like that.
J Chris Newberg: Do you have a to-go license? Can people buy it there?
Captain Brien: I sell it in almost 70 stores in Florida and I just broke out of maybe about 180 new stores that are signed to deal with. Can you play me a tune?
J Chris Newberg: Yeah absolutely.
Captain Brien: Dude, play me something that, I love some of the new stuff.
J Chris Newberg: Okay. You want me to leave the, do you want me to do.
Captain Brien: No, you can go full on baby, full on. This is the Log.
J Chris Newberg: It’s the log.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
J Chris Newberg: Okay, all right how ’bout this one. Okay, I’ll do the voicemail one that I just did.
Captain Brien: Oh I like that one.
J Chris Newberg: This should be everybody’s outgoing voicemail because everybody hates when people call them. ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ And I hate that you called ♪ ♪ If you leave a voicemail ♪ ♪ I’ll kick you in the balls ♪ ♪ Nevermind, just hang up ♪ ♪ I hate you now ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Please don’t leave a message ♪ ♪ Nevermind, I blocked you ♪ There you go, it’s short.
Captain Brien: People aren’t leaving messages anymore right? You call. If you do want to talk to ’em, you call. And then when the message comes on, you immediately hang up and you send ’em a text.
J Chris Newberg: It’s lazy.
Captain Brien: Isn’t that how it works?
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, why not just send ’em a text?
Captain Brien: I think because if you want to get something out right away and you’re driving, you call. Otherwise, I think you do send a text.
J Chris Newberg: I think that’s the way to go. I do a lot of the voice texting.
Captain Brien: I do the video. Like if I’m driving, I just put on record, send a video, like hey, this is me, this is what I want to tell you. And you are gonna click on this message and watch it.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah that’s great.
Captain Brien: That’s how I do it.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah I do it. It’s like it’s super old school and everything. But you know, it’s easier if I’m driving. Are you allowed to text in Florida?
Captain Brien: You are, but I put the phone right there, and I just hit play and record.
J Chris Newberg: That’s crazy.
Captain Brien: Boom and I just do it and talk.
J Chris Newberg: That’s nuts.
Captain Brien: It’s good though. I love the technology these days.
J Chris Newberg: Technology’s huge. Can you imagine when you were younger, when you were growing up and you were on the bike, or the scooter, or the skateboard? Side note, I think the hardest part about scooters is that people have to see you on them.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s the roughest.
J Chris Newberg: That’s the worst thing. When you were, you know, at your wee smallest, did you ever think, hey there’s gonna be a time in my life where I’m driving, I’m on the phone doing a podcast, pitching a vodka I’ve created, and then on my way to another radio station to promote so people come out to my restaurant comedy club and it’s all technology?
Captain Brien: No I did not ever think of those scenarios together.
J Chris Newberg: What was the dream? Like, what did you want to be?
Captain Brien: A chef.
J Chris Newberg: A chef.
Captain Brien: I wanted to be a chef and I wanted to have a restaurant. And I accomplished that pretty quick. I mean, when I was 23, I think I was 23 and I opened up my first restaurant in Marco Island. So that was done. The dream was met. And then it’s never stopped.
J Chris Newberg: Okay the brand new dream. So once you hit the goal, is it like Mr. Jones from Counting Crows? You’ve got all your dreams come true and then you hit a new.
Captain Brien: I like the struggle, yeah. I like the struggle of getting there. And then I kind of, I feel like the novelty wears off a little bit once it gets to the plateau of success. I want to go on to the next thing. But I always have to have a couple little irons in the fire at once. That keeps me goin’.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah I get bored. Like I mean, it’s not just music, or just standup, or just writing. If I’m on the road, I want to be on a show. If I’m on a show, I want to be on the road. I want to be writing. I want to do all that other stuff. So yeah.
Captain Brien: So your recently started a new podcast.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, my podcast is fun. You guys should check it out, Heroin Has a Great Publicist. It’s about things that are fucked that people do anyway. And if anybody who is listening to this show or watching on my page, shout out to the addicts. What up kids, what up fam? It’s such a fun thing. It’s like, regardless of how many people are watching or listening, there’s something so powerful and honest about being able to do a podcast ’cause you’re just talking. Like the people who listen, whether it’s the seven now live, or 700, however many it is that it ends up being, they come to you. Maybe not all at once, but when they have time. It’s just like things you download. But they’re legit fans. And they want to be there. They want content.
Captain Brien: And they interact and they send you messages and it’s fun. It’s like a whole family. You call it The Chris Army.
J Chris Newberg: I do, I call The Chris Army.
Captain Brien: How’d you come up with that?
J Chris Newberg: I hated my last name. I don’t really hate it. But it’s like it’s not memorable because I have the pretentious first initial J, born James, go by Chris. So I was J Chris Newberg. Which arguably could be as Mellencamp popular if I became huge. But it’s not the most immediately memorable. You know, it’s like the Yngwie Malmsteen of like names. You know, Brien Spina, that’s sharp. Then you got the Captain. It’s there, you’re already there.
Captain Brien: It’s all three?
J Chris Newberg: Yes.
Captain Brien: I need something for my followers. I keep asking somebody to name the followers. What are they gonna be called?
J Chris Newberg: The little buddies.
Captain Brien: The little buddies.
J Chris Newberg: my God, that’s great. The little buddies.
Captain Brien: That’s what we should be?
J Chris Newberg: Yeah the little buddies.
Captain Brien: I like that.
J Chris Newberg: I’m a little buddy. Yeah, ’cause it’s full on Gilligan’s Island.
Captain Brien: Yeah, oh I get it. And so they’re all like little captains.
J Chris Newberg: They’re all little Gilligans. Oh you could call ’em Gilligans. No, I think little buddies.
Captain Brien: The little buddies is good, but I didn’t get it until you said it full on.
J Chris Newberg: But it’s catchy. Watch Captain’s Log. What’s up little buddies, huge.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s cute, it’s cute.
J Chris Newberg: My fans are junkies or addicts. Not legit, but that’s what they go by. And you know, it’s a thing. And then you get like, it’ll be like, it could be a hashtag. Watch Captain’s Log, #LB. You can have little buddy events.
Captain Brien: Little buddy events, I like this.
J Chris Newberg: Then soon you can get in with your little buddy card.
Captain Brien: Oh like a VIP buddy.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, like if you want to come to the show and you want to buy a bottle of vodka, you get 10% off with your little buddy card.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s called the Captain’s Circle. I already have that.
J Chris Newberg: All right, well you know what, you need something.
Captain Brien: It’s an annual membership.
J Chris Newberg: It’s not gonna fly for the podcast.
Captain Brien: No, no.
J Chris Newberg:You’re not gonna be like, what up circlers? That not gonna work.
Captain Brien: What up roundabouts?
J Chris Newberg: Yeah roundabouts is good, roundabouts is good. That sounds very Beach Boys song.
Captain Brien: So what’s next for you man? You got this new Facebook show which is cool.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah I’m working on Confetti and that’s fun.
Captain Brien: Tell me the premises of the show because I wasn’t sure when you first said it. ‘Cause I’ve never seen it but I know it’s really popular. And I have to now watch it.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, Confetti’s super popular. It’s a game show that you play on your phone. Your phone is your remote control. It’s touchscreen. Couldn’t be easier. It’s like a 20 minute show. You start off, host comes on, he tells jokes, he gives you shoutouts.
Captain Brien: So when the show, wait, when the show comes live, Facebook has something on your phone that they can touch?
J Chris Newberg: They send you a notification. They’re like hey, Confetti’s live. So you just click on the notification. It takes you to the Facebook page and you just hit play. So it’s not as simple as like an HQ as far as technology ’cause we don’t have our own separate app. There’s actually two steps. However, you know, you follow it and, you know, it gives you the notification, you click on it. Next thing you know you’re playing 10 pop culture trivia questions. Sometimes the shows are themed. Like we had a Star Wars episode the other day and a teacher’s episode yesterday.
Captain Brien: Was that for May the 4th be with you?
J Chris Newberg: It was.
Captain Brien: Ah, I took a good guess there.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, we get good numbers. And sometimes we’ll give away $50,000. Sometimes we’ll give away 15 and five usually. But it’s definitely, like tonight’s episode is 10,000.
Captain Brien: And you have like hundreds of thousands of people watch.
J Chris Newberg: We do not have that much. We have like around 30,000 per episode live. And then people who watch the show afterwards, it’s like three, 400,000. Yeah, but they can’t win if they’re not playing live.
Captain Brien: They have to play live to win.
J Chris Newberg: To win, yeah.
Captain Brien: So once they see the show though, I can imagine that they’re dying to play live the next time.
J Chris Newberg: Everybody gets hooked.
Captain Brien: Everybody, right.
J Chris Newberg: Yeah I mean it’s like it’s fun.
Captain Brien: This sounds awesome.
J Chris Newberg: It’s a more fun version of HQ.
Captain Brien: I do on Saturday morning, sometimes, I do barter with the captain. So they can barter with me anything they want. So if they want to get vodka, or tickets, or I have gift cards, or I even have like stuff laying around the house. They can barter with me like stuff that they have and I trade ’em out. And people like to do that.
J Chris Newberg: That’s awesome.
Captain Brien: It’s fun, I think that’s really, a lot of entertainment is gonna be coming this way I think.
J Chris Newberg: I mean I think, well there’s a new platform that’s hitting January 1st, 2020. It’s called Quibi. Quibi I want to say is Jeffrey Katzenberg’s new entertainment arm. And there’s over a billion dollars and it’s going to be basically an entertainment app on your phone. But you’re like, oh I don’t want another one. There’s too much stuff. There’s never too much stuff if the stuff that’s coming out is good.
Captain Brien: Correct.
J Chris Newberg: You know, you could have a show on Instagram Story. You could technically watch a Game of Thrones on Instagram Story if it were good enough.
Captain Brien: Correct.
J Chris Newberg: So Quibi’s coming out and it’s like they’re looking for content like crazy. What they’re doing is they’re slimming down different formats. They’re taking like, let’s say you say, like an at midnight show, which before was 24 minutes on Comedy Central. Now they’re gonna do a four minute version of Quibi so people can just watch it for four minutes, eat up the content, like it, go boom. And they’re gonna make just as much money off a billion views on a three minute clip as they’re going to on a 23 minute clip. And my theory for that is like the 5-hour Energy drink has ruined and recreated all content because people don’t have time anymore, or we convince ourselves that we don’t have time because we’re being showered with all of this content. And it’s like, so it’s like, if you say to somebody, oh watch this episode. How long is it is the first thing that they say.
Captain Brien: And then when they start watching, they like it. They like it, oh my God. This guy, what’s he doing? He’s like cuttin’ that guy off. They like it, but why do they immediately already start looking for other things.
J Chris Newberg: ‘Cause it’s habit.
Captain Brien: They go to their phone. They’re like oh I love this clip, watch this. And while you’re watching it, you ever have somebody already scroll to something else. I’m like you just told me to watch it. You can’t even stay on the phone. That’s what my kids do. That’s how they work, their generation.
J Chris Newberg: I think honestly, the most popular channel on Netflix is not watching Netflix, but scrolling looking for different things to watch and not clicking. We have such commitment issues caused by such overwhelming amounts of content.
Captain Brien: I agree, I agree. We’re in Estero, Florida now guys. We just left Fort Myers. We left 105.5 The Beat. We’re heading to 1039, Big Mama And The WiLD Bunch. And this is the Captain’s Log. I got J Chris Newberg performing live at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow, two shows. It’s a pleasure to have you Chris.
J Chris Newberg: Thanks for having me.
Captain Brien: I love always talking to you. But more importantly, can we get out with a song. Can we crank it up buddy?
J Chris Newberg: Another one?
Captain Brien: This guy’s the best, yes.
J Chris Newberg: ♪ You should call your fans ♪ ♪ Little buddies ♪ that’s it.
Captain Brien: That’s it guys, the Captain’s Log. We’re live and we are out. Be good, we’ll be back tomorrow. Have a good day.
Actor and Comedian Jay Mohr shows some skin on this episode of the #naplescaptainslog! Ladies don’t miss this episode! They also discuss how Jay became a wrestling coach, a life coach, and make a fishing wager!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
We have a first on the #naplescaptainslog today! Our first puppet, Joselito Da Puppet, makes his debut appearance! Joselito teaches Captain Brien some spanish lingo, discusses his upcoming tour, and his Puerto Rican heritage!
Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #naplescaptainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free and Gluten Free Vodka, Barrel Aged Dark Rum, White Rum, and Gin!
Check Joselito Da Puppet out and show him some love at:
