Tag Archives: Comics

Episode 214 The Captain’s Log with Comedian ISMO and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Live, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Finnish Comedian Ismo joins Captain Brien to discuss his famous “ass” skit from Conan, his journey to becoming a comedian in America, and ISMO and Captain Brien have a competition on who can use more words with “ass” in them! You won’t want to miss this!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2y8Ze-P1SE&t=24s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian ISMO out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Hey guys, welcome back. It’s the captain’s log and my guest today is ISMO, the world’s most famous Finnish comedian.

ISMO:  Oh yeah, I am.

Captain Brien: Yeah and Finnish is like, what happened to my voice? It’s already finished. So Finnish is like something that I’ve never said before. I’ve never said, oh, he’s a, he’s, what did I say? He’s a Finnish.

ISMO: Finnish or a Fin

Captain Brien: A Fin.

ISMO: Or from Finland.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah. You’re the first person that I’ve hung out with from Finland.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Well, I mean, it’s exciting.

ISMO: Well glad to be the first.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO:- Yeah.

Captain Brien: So there’s 5 million people that live in Finland you told me?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And how on the famous scale how famous are you, the top five?

ISMO: Well, hard to say. Like there’s lots of like sports stars and everything but like yeah. In Finland, yeah it’s pretty, yeah.

Captain Brien: Your superstar?

ISMO: Well yeah I guess.

Captain Brien: You’re like an A-Lister in Finland?

ISMO: I would guess that.

Captain Brien: And you’re working your way up in the United States now?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: I mean you got a video that’s almost 70 million from Conan O’Brien that was amazing. What was that like life changing, the first time you woke up and saw that it hit like 20 million?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah, it’s so yeah, it’s been, uh, I was like, what do I do? Like a year ago when I did Conan it started, the post and the views really started to go up, I was like, okay, it’s now 20 million now it’s 25. What do I do?

Captain Brien: When did your phone start ringing? Like when people started like saying they wanted to book you or they they wanted to have an interview or when did that happen?

ISMO: Yeah, right away like yeah, it’s really changed a lot.

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah I did touring in the US before that but then it really, really, really took off after that so.

Captain Brien: And and in Finland, you had already had videos out or?

ISMO: Yeah, like yeah, in Finland, I’ve been doing comedy for like, 16 17 years.

ISMO: Yeah. So I’ve done lots of TV and of course, lots of YouTube videos and whatever and things and lots of tours.

Captain Brien: Who booked the gig on Conan?

ISMO: Well, the guy who books Conan

Captain Brien: No but you made the phone call originally?

ISMO: Well, I have a manager here and so.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah, I did. Actually, I did Just for Laughs Festival 2017.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay, I missed that one that’s why I didn’t see you then.

ISMO: Oh, yeah, so yeah, that I think that was the link. Like I did really well there and then the booker for Conan heard about that and then we started from there.

Captain Brien: That’s what happened. So when you got to the US, you were performing at, you said the Laugh Factory?

ISMO: Yeah, that’s where I started in LA like, yeah.

Captain Brien:: And how did they get you on stage first?

ISMO: Actually, they had a competition 2014, they had a competition called “The Funniest Person in the World”

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: So I thought that’s a good name for a contest. So there were lots of comics from different countries and I had never done a gig in America before that.

Captain Brien: So you flew in for the competition?

ISMO: Yeah and I won it all.

Captain Brien: How did you find out about it?

ISMO: Well they searched for comedians all around the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: They like okay we’re gonna have this contest so they searched and they looked for like every country and they found me and I like first you participated like with an online video and stuff but then when you go to the finals then okay then just like hey you have to fly to LA now and I was like oh okay I have to cancel them shows in Finland, move them around.

Captain Brien: And they didn’t pay you to fly in?

ISMO: Well yeah I think they paid like yeah they gave like a travel buyout or something.

Captain Brien: Okay, because they were selling tickets to the show probably, right?

ISMO: Yeah sure so but yeah so but that’s really I did my first ever gig in America in the contest and I won it and then I’m like less than a year later I moved here so.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s so exciting. And you brought your wife?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How did she decide that it was going to be okay that you guys are going to move because she saw that your career was going to be the one that was going to take you here?

ISMO: Yeah she was like all for it so that she’s been super supportive so all the way all the time and like even like we didn’t even decide it was kind of obvious when they was like okay we’re gonna move to America now, I’m literally just like how do we arrange everything so it yeah it wasn’t, there was no debate like we weren’t even thinking like, well because it was like kind of this, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t do it.

Captain Brien: Correct, correct.

ISMO: It was kinda obvious to do it.

Captain Brien: What’s the weather like in Finland? I don’t even know, it’s cold right?

ISMO: It’s really north so yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s cold as hell.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what I thought.

ISMO: Yeah like it’s really nice in the summer but like the winter is long and cold and dark so yeah.

Captain Brien: And you get a lot of rain or is it all snow?

ISMO: Well yeah, rain in the fall but then December to like April it’s pretty snowy.

Captain Brien: Is there good skiing?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah lots of skiing.

Captain Brien: Are you a good skier?

ISMO: I would say like I used to do it a lot and I used to snowboard a lot that was years ago.

Captain Brien: You have the look, the whole look with the hair, you look like a snowboarder. Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good style.

ISMO: But I have to start surfing now because I’m in LA.

Captain Brien: You need to now how to surf bro.

ISMO: I’ve only surfed once.

Captain Brien: You gotta hang 10, right. Yeah hang loose.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I promise I will start it soon. I’ve been putting it off.

Captain Brien: You probably don’t tan very, well you tan a little bit it looks like.

ISMO: I guess.

Captain Brien: Yeah your skin is not super light, it looks like you got a little surf style tan.

ISMO: oh yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s sexy.

ISMO: Yeah I know I been here in Florida so I’m definitely gonna at least go to the beach. I don’t think I’m going to surf.

Captain Brien: They said your video about, the ass is the toughest word in English is hilarious which it is hilarious but I understand you have one about shit now.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s better you think?

ISMO: Well, yeah that shit thing yeah it’s like a newer bit and I really love it. I put some of it online but it’s like 10 minutes, 10 minutes of shit stuff so.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot of shit.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah a whole lot of.

ISMO: A shit load of shit.

Captain Brien: A ton of it.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A crap pile.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Give me a couple words, ways to use the word ass and let me see if I can come up with a couple. Let’s play see how many we can come up with in a row.

ISMO: Okay, well, hard ass.

Captain Brien: Dumb ass.

ISMO: Smart ass.

Captain Brien: Oh, God I am terrible.

ISMO: Oh there are so many.

Captain Brien: You got me on the ass. No come on I gotta be better than that. Uh.

ISMO: Ass tone.

Captain Brien: Jackass.

ISMO: Jackass, yeah.

Captain Brien: Does that work?

ISMO: Yeah jackass that’s great.

Captain Brien: That’s jack who’s an ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Well half ass.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could say, move your ass, that’s one of yours?

ISMO: Yeah, move your ass or my ass.

Captain Brien: Ah yeah like a half a ass.

ISMO: Oh yeah half ass is like not concentrating just halfing it but my ass is no.

Captain Brien: Yeah just no way.

ISMO: Yeah my ass.

Captain Brien: Right, like you say your car is fast my ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I love that. So there’s nothing in like in Finnish that’s similar?

ISMO: Well there we have words we have and I actually I did this joke about the Finnish word that means like everything but it’s very different than

Captain Brien: What’s that word?

ISMO: It’s well it’s like two words. It’s and that means like everything but it’s different like you don’t use it as like ass. You add it to stuff like ass but it’s just by itself it can mean like let’s go or look what you have done or I can’t wait to be like it can be anything so. But it’s a weird word it’s completely untranslatable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so then nobody, do they use it as a joke in the same context or no?

ISMO: Well I made a joke about it but like so yeah but then after that people are like, okay we use that word a lot, yeah.

Captain Brien: While we’re talking let’s get everyone to tell us where you guys are tuning in from? If you’re in Finland, let us know. Do they have Facebook in Finland?

ISMO: Of course.

Captain Brien: They do right? So wherever you guys are we’re in Naples, Florida right now and we’re heading to 103.9 where Big Mom and the Wild Bunch and 96 k rock we just left 1055 the beat and you have six huge shows at Off the Hook comedy club.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: This week, which is amazing.

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: And when I first discovered you, I think it was the Conan clip but that’s why I was like, alright, I want to get this dude and then it just like started going crazy, like the clip is 70 million and counting that’s amazing.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s shocking to me. So is there another clip out there? The shit clip is pretty popular too, yeah?

ISMO: Yeah, I put out the shit clip like last year and yeah and that’s only a part of the shit bit. So when I do it live it’s way longer. And yeah have to find some more words to do that.

Captain Brien: Yeah you got to do something like, balls.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I don’t know like my balls, balls deep.

ISMO: Well actually I have a joke about balls, it’s yeah but that’s different. It’s not like kind of like.

Captain Brien: Yeah you can’t use as many.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I just came off that off top my head. yeah but that is actually weird that like having balls is the metaphor for being courage.

ISMO:  Like being tough.

Captain Brien: Brave.

Captain Brien: You got big balls.

ISMO: Yeah. And it’s kind of unfair.

Captain Brien: He’s got no nuts.

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s so unfair saying for women.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, what are they going to do?

ISMO: Yeah, it’s like that was invented by men so I think we should change that.

Captain Brien: I agree, I think they should have some balls, they should get a pair.

ISMO: Well, I always just change the idiom.

Captain Brien: Hey who wants to go see the show this weekend? I’ll give away two tickets tonight and two tickets tomorrow to the next two people that say, that live within 30 40 miles probably because you might not go any further than that. I mean, he is funny, but you’re probably not going to drive more than 50. They gonna drive more than 50 miles to see you?

ISMO: 51, I say 51.

Captain Brien: Your jokes are about 51 mile funny you know, so I agree, I agree Because otherwise you know, you’re gonna be in a small area. You gotta broaden the horizon.

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: So what are you looking forward to doing this weekend? You’re traveling alone right?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So are you gonna get to the beach?

ISMO: Yeah, definitely, I’m planning to do that one of these days.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because it’s Florida, it’s hot.

ISMO: It’s all about the beach here.

Captain Brien: It really is. And when you’re in town, what’s your favorite food? I’m a good food guy, I’m a foodie. I can tell you where to go. What do you like? I don’t know anything about Finnish food. What is Finnish food? What’s your main dish?

ISMO: Well one thing that’s really popular in Finland is reindeer.

Captain Brien: Reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah, reindeer, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s probably not gonna go over too big. Bambi is not going to be the dish of the weekend.

ISMO: Or Rudolph.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Captain Brien:: Oh yeah, yeah Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah, Bambi is a deer.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

ISMO: I eat that too.

Captain Brien: We need to get the right deer.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. No one’s gonna eat Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They eat reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah it’s really popular. You can have pizza with reindeer.

Captain Brien: Pizza?

ISMO: Or everything, it’s reindeer anything.

Captain Brien: Do they do they shave it or they make sausage out of it because they make sausage right?

ISMO: Well that’s of course many like different ways to have it but most common is like, like kind of these small bites of like smoked reindeer

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: and you just sprinkle it on like, you can make whatever.

Captain Brien: And it’s like so it’s like bacon bits?

ISMO: Kind of yeah.

Captain Brien: And they’re just very popular? Everybody has their own flavors or what?

ISMO: Well yeah, we like the more North you go the more reindeer I eat because they all like, the reindeer live in the North so that’s kind of if you’re south in Finland you can get it but it’s not that popular but in the North that’s like the main thing.

Captain Brien: Because we love reindeer here, we care for them and then you guys are just shooting them down and eating them?

ISMO: Well they’re actually like farmed. They’re like domesticated.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: But they still kind of roam free but it’s kind of like, yeah, I’m not an expert on reindeer farming.

Captain Brien: Why not? Come on ISMO I need some reindeer advice here.

ISMO: oh yeah, yeah you have to like ear mark them and then the let them roam free and then you gather them once a year.

Captain Brien: And then eat them?

ISMO: A few of them or something.

Captain Brien: You just kinda call down the heard?

ISMO: And on the road, you have to always in Finland, you have to watch out for reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

ISMO: Yeah there’s lots of reindeer.

Captain Brien: Are they huge?

ISMO: No they’re smaller so like there mooses also, if you hit a moose that’s it.

Captain Brien: Is hunting big in Finland?

ISMO: I think it is, I think it’s kinda big.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And do they shoot reindeer?

ISMO: Well, no because reindeers are owned by somebody so you can’t shoot anybodies reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh reindeers are like domesticated.

ISMO: Yeah they are domesticated but they roam free with the ear mark.

Captain Brien: Gotcha, gotcha.

ISMO: So that’s kinda the thing. But mooses are not so yeah people will shoot mooses.

Captain Brien: Huge ones.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so they must have moose meat? Yeah, yeah there’s moose meat you can eat.

ISMO: sometimes you can eat bear.

Captain Brien: If I was gonna go to Finland, what would be the dish that I have to try.

ISMO: Well, reindeer definitely with mashed potatoes and lingonberries.

Captain Brien: Is it a gravy on top or no?

ISMO: Normally no just like butter on lingonberries. It’s like a berry that’s really.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I know they make that jam, right?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They make a lingonberry jam?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right?

ISMO: So that is kind of yeah, it’s really like, what’s the word, it’s like a berry that’s like makes you go like, uh. I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: It’s uh, it’s tart? Is it tart, it’s kind of tart aren’t they?

ISMO: Yeah like like hmm, I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: Yeah somebody said tart and I think they are, I think they’re tart. They’re sweet and tart though?

ISMO: Yeah, but normally you add sugar to them a little bit but they’re not sweet, they’re really like, uh.

Captain Brien: So they’re sour, have a sour taste? And they put that on top of the meat?

ISMO: Yeah, we use lingonberries for everything. Like the jam you can use it for always when you eat. Like if you eat liver or if you eat like blood sausage, always put lingonberry jam on it.

Captain Brien: Blood sausage is not my thing. That’s one of the things I can’t do. Well, even when I hear it on the menu I’m like nope staying far away from that one. But I’m very adventurous with my meals, I like to eat. I eat all kinds of stuff, but the blood sausage sometimes just turns me off.

ISMO: Yeah, well the Finnish blood sausage it’s good. If you go there you have to try that.

Captain Brien: Is it grilled or smoked or how do they do it?

ISMO: I guess it’s like smoked.

Captain Brien: You don’t cook very much I take it?

ISMO: Well I, nobody makes blood sausage at home. It’s a thing you get like from a hot dog stand.

Captain Brien: But when you take it home. Do you cook it?

ISMO: You just warm it.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because it’s already cooked.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay. So then it must be like, cured or smoked?

ISMO: Yeah, something like that. In some cities, it’s very popular to have big blocks of it like as a late night snack, your hot dog.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay, okay.

ISMO: Like a drunk food.

Captain Brien: Do you have mustard, do you put mustard on it?

ISMO: Yeah, and the Finnish mustard it’s different. I kinda miss that it’s different. I miss the lingonberries and the mustard and I miss the there’s this one thing that like curd you know, like something made of milk.

Captain Brien: Is it cheese?

ISMO: No and it doesn’t exist here. I tried to find it forever but it’s like this, it’s kind of like sour cream but it’s completely different. And we use that for all like dipping sauces.

Captain Brien: That must be like, fresh crema?

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s different from that.

Captain Brien: It’s different from fresh crema?

ISMO: It’s like Finnish curd. So it’s

Captain Brien: Isn’t that where the Vikings? You guys have a lot of Vikings?

ISMO: Well, Vikings were mostly like Norwegian. And I think they are not like it’s not like a profession anymore. There’s no school for pillaging. Yeah, that was like Norway on the coast. Finland was like, at that time, we weren’t, we didn’t have boats.

Captain Brien: Okay you were just chasing reindeer around?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: And so reindeer is like your cow?

ISMO: Well, yeah we have cows also but it’s kind of, yeah. Because it’s like half free and half like, domesticated so. It’s yeah, I don’t know what the equivalent but because it’s

Captain Brien: But it’s tougher, is it tougher than a beef?

ISMO: Like tougher?

Captain Brien: The meat.

ISMO: Yeah because they walk all the time. The cows just eat. So yeah it’s like game meat I’m sure.

Captain Brien: Right, right and you guys like the gamey flavor?

ISMO: Well we have our first, I think we eat more beef than reindeer. Everybody eat red salmon and all that basic stuff but reindeer is kind of like a specialty you sometimes have

Captain Brien: Yeah so like here, we’ll eat gator?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: Gators popular here.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I’ve never tasted that

Captain Brien: And rattlesnake, you can eat that.

ISMO: Yeah, well I have to try those.

Captain Brien: You should try those.

ISMO: Yeah.

ISMO: Maybe you should do like a mix with the gator, the rattlesnake and throw in a couple reindeer.

Captain Brien: Do you eat the actual rattle?

ISMO: The rattle is dead skin so it’s probably not that appetizing.

Captain Brien: Because then when you take a shit, it’s gotta go somewhere.

ISMO: Yeah it’s gonna. You’d think you had to go then imagine if you eat the rattle.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Holy cow. We are gonna wrap this up. This is the captain’s log. My guest, hey Mackstud, what’s up? My guest ISMO is gonna be at Off the Hook comedy club. Guys, if you wanted to get free tickets, I will give away, let’s see, six pairs of tickets. But when you’re leaving comments, I have to, you know, respond so like when there’s a million comments by the end of this podcast, I can’t respond to everybody. So if you don’t get a message that means you didn’t win but the six people that I will message win. And there will be six and then we’ll be good. And you come see us. Get tickets at Off The Hook Comedy, go see ISMO, what’s your social media?

ISMO: ISMO, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: I-S-M-O, you can’t miss him, you’re gonna love him.

ISMO: All caps on Facebook, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: Absolutely hysterical and I’m happy to have you. It was a pleasure, man thank you.

ISMO: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’re out.

Captain Brien: Bye.

Captain Brien: See ya

Episode 213 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Steve Trevino and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Fishing, Live, Prodcasting, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 22:58 — 31.5MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS | More

Comedian Steve Trevino joins Captain Brien to discuss what it’s like being a comedian, random comedian requests, and fishing! Tune into hear some of the funny, random, and sometimes obnoxious requests comedians make!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-OszdFOgk0&t=252s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Steve Trevino out and show him some love at:

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Steve Trevino: But I can do it here, huh?

Captain Brien: Yeah man, we’re back, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien:Steve Trevino, no, I can’t do it.

Steve Trevino: Trevino.

Captain Brien:- Trevino. I’m just gonna say Trevino like a white guy.

Steve Trevino: Trevino, yeah just be a white guy.

Captain Brien: I’m so white anyway, like, I don’t have any tongue roll.

Steve Trevino: So how do I do it on mine?

Captain Brien: So you’re gonna go like this.

Steve Trevino: Refresh.

Captain Brien: And, yeah. When you scroll down, and then scroll back up and see us. But thanks for joining me, man, The Captain’s Log. Now, have you been on the show, have we done this?

Steve Trevino: Well no, I’ve been a little jealous to be honest with you, every time I come into town you’re like, “Steve, I can’t make it, I got this going on.” And then literally the next week you’ll have, like, Eric Griffin. And I’m like, “oh, ’cause I’m not a workaholic.”

Captain Brien: No, no, stop, you know what it is?

Steve Trevino: We’ve been friends a long time.

Captain Brien: We’ve been friends a long time, but I’ll tell you why. Because you’re so professional. The truth is, I don’t have to babysit you. So it’s like a great weekend for me to understand, like, Steve’s got it all under control, he’s like a pro, he’s gonna knock ’em out of the park.

Steve Trevino: So I gotta flip mine up now.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah tell ’em, tell your peeps.

Steve Trevino: I think we did it.

Captain Brien: Good.

Steve Trevino: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Yep, you’re live. You can put it away, tell ’em.

Steve Trevino: Well look, I’m one of those guys that I know that, number one, I take it like a job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Steve Trevino: It’s my job.

Steve Trevino: Is it what I love to do, I love to do it, I love to be on stage, but at the end of the day this is my job.

Captain Brien: Correct.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I did it too when I worked at the comedy club, I would have to pick up the comics, it was a nightmare.

Captain Brien: Why, because 30% of the time they’re on time?

Steve Trevino: Yeah, maybe, and sometimes you’re knocking on the door, and then they give you the-

Captain Brien: I’m on my way, I’ll be right down.

Steve Trevino: I’ll be down in a minute.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I would just sit in the lobby and then I would get yelled at by the radio stations, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Story of my life every day.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, “no, it’s not me!”

Captain Brien: Every day.

Steve Trevino: I was there! I was trying to wake him up.

Captain Brien: I can’t tell you, you know the message I sent you, “hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” By the way, where is your coffee? Oh, it’s in the back.

Captain Brien: It’s in the back. “Hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” That message is literally my cue to figure out if they’re-

Steve Trevino: If they’re up or not.

Captain Brien: If they’re gonna make it, it’s worth it for me to get a coffee, breakfast, whatever they want, whatever they need.

Steve Trevino: But let me know you’re up.

Captain Brien: Let me know that you’re gonna make it today.

Steve Trevino: And a lot of comics too, they’re like, “oh I don’t wanna do radio.” And I’m like “look man, it’s part of our job.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember listening to an interview with Chris Rock where he was talking to a comedian, and the comedian goes “I wanna get to the point “where I don’t have to tour.” And Chris Rock’s like, “well, don’t be a comedian.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause it’s what we do.

Captain Brien: Yeah, who wants to be like a rock star and not play?

Steve Trevino: It’s part of our life, that’s how I make my money. Even Chris Rock still tours.

Captain Brien: I agree with that 100%, but I also feel like there’s this new movement they’re making where everyone’s like, “oh, I just wanna work on Friday and Saturday.” Oh, so you just want the club to go out of business. Like two days a week, the club is gonna be busy?

Steve Trevino: And I always laugh when I hear these. You know, like a new club will pop up, and these young comics are like “they are paying so much money.”

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, why don’t you tell them,

Captain Brien: That they’re gonna be gone in six months.

Steve Trevino: Right, do you want ’em here forever?

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: Or do you wanna get money right now?

Captain Brien: Correct, right.

Steve Trevino: So they have this attitude of like, oh, just go in there and get the money. It’s like, well they’re gonna go out of business.

Captain Brien: No, that’s not how it works, exactly.

Steve Trevino: I’d rather have constant work forever.

Captain Brien: Well again, that goes back to the reason why when you’re like “hey, “if I’m going out of town, if I’m not available that week.” I know certain weeks that I have to freakin’ be there and babysit.

Steve Trevino: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I have to do a hundred more things than I would do.

Steve Trevino: And then I have friends that tell me “I love comedy, I should be a comedy club manager.” And I’m like, “you don’t even know “what you’re getting into.

Captain Brien: Oh it’s like being a fishing guide. Oh you like to fish? Oh yeah, how about taking a moron fishing every single day of your life? You’ll hate it.

Steve Trevino: You’re gonna hate it. And not only that, every week is completely different.

Captain Brien: Every week.

Steve Trevino: You’re managing a different comedian every single week.

Captain Brien: And the audience.

Steve Trevino: I got to the hotel at The Punchline in San Francisco, and the guy at the hotel was like, “hey, here’s a bottle of 1941 “that somebody left for you.” And I was like “really?” And he said “yeah, a Marlon Wayans a bottle of 1941”, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I showed up at the club I’m like “man, Marlon Wayans left me a bottle of 1941.” And they’re like “really?”

Captain Brien: ‘Cause we paid for it.

Captain Brien:We had to buy one every night. Oh, just so you know, how nice of him that was, is that every night they bought one of those.

Steve Trevino: That’s what they told us, they go “Every night we have to buy him a bottle of this, “and he just left it at the hotel for you.”

Captain Brien: And I’m like “hey, you drank the whole bottle?” Because if not I’ll just go to the hotel, pick it up, and I’ll bring it back to the green room and you can drink the other quarter of it that you drank. Now it doesn’t work like that.

Steve Trevino: And we have been blessed and things are moving forward in my career, and my agents and managers, they’re like “what do you want in your green room?”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: “What’s your writer?” and I’m like “I don’t need anything.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you’re a man.

Steve Trevino: And if I want something, there’s a full bar at every comedy club I work at, I’d just get it.

Captain Brien: Right, I think a lot of the writers, aren’t they just cookie cutters? Like, they’re not gonna re-write someone’s whole new-

Steve Trevino: Somebody told me that somebody asked for a German Shepherd puppy.

Captain Brien: At every show or just one?

Steve Trevino: No, at every show, a new puppy. What I remember, dude, you used to have the condo, first of all, it wasn’t even a condo. It was somebody’s house, it was Brien’s house. It was huge, it was a full-on house. And Brien would be like “oh, stay at the house.” And you’re like “what?” And I love to fish right, so the dock was back there, we could fish all night. So anyway, I get there, and there’s like three pairs of Air Force One’s.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And you know who wanted those.

Captain Brien: Yep, well I told that story before. The thing about it is that it’s not one pair for the four shows, or five shows, or six shows, no.

Steve Trevino: Every show.

Captain Brien: It’s a different pair every show, what are you doing with those?

Steve Trevino: Eddie Griffin wants a different pair of white on white Air Force Ones for every single show.

Captain Brien: Yup, every show, one time, funniest thing-

Steve Trevino: And he just left them behind.

Captain Brien: I had him in September and it was back to school. And they only make so many, I didn’t know this because it’s not like the hottest new shoes. They only made so many Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: Nobody wants these shoes.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and so they get like x amount, and then they’re like oh, they’re not making Air Force Ones again for like nine months.

Steve Trevino: Right.

Captain Brien: This is back to school.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, the Chinese people are tired.

Captain Brien: See, I didn’t know this, right? So what they do, is they ship ’em all out, when they’re gone, they’re gone. So you have to wait until the next-

Steve Trevino: Shipment, or whatever, right.

Captain Brien: So I said “Eddie,” and he goes “oh yeah, “that happens all the time, I know.” I’m like “oh, alright.” He goes “let’s go to the store, “and we’ll pick out something together.”

Steve Trevino: Like a date.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. So we go to the mall, we go in Foot Locker, and he picks out a pair of shoes that are $15 cheaper than the Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: He wants that 15 bucks.

Captain Brien: Dude he took the 15.

Steve Trevino: No.

Captain Brien: Yeah. He didn’t take the 15, he goes “damn, “you thought you were getting away “$15 cheaper, yo, throw some socks in.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: Yeah! He added the socks in until it got to the same price bro.

Steve Trevino: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: And I just died. I was like “I should totally record this.”

Steve Trevino: That’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: I know, I know

Steve Trevino: It’s unreal to me.

Captain Brien: But it happened!

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I’m very blue collar, I grew up, my dad is a welder, pipe fitter, my dad was always like “hey man, work hard” you know. So to me that’s just unheard of.

Captain Brien: But he knew already how much they were and how much he was gonna spend.

Steve Trevino: “You owe me $15!”

Captain Brien: Yeah. He’s like “yo, yo, yo, you thought “you were getting away with that.” He said those words, “you’re getting away $15 cheaper.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Throw in some socks, throw in some socks, I died, dude. I just love the fact that he did that so I could tell this story.

Steve Trevino:  I couldn’t do it!

Captain Brien: I told the story a few times, it’s legit, 100% true.

Steve Trevino: I’m the kind of guy where, ’cause you know, sometimes I do the theater shows, and if I know that I have friends and family coming, I’ll ask for a bottle of Crown. Friends or family coming.

Captain Brien: Now you ask for a bottle of Captain Brien’s, vodka or rum, or gin right?

Steve Trevino: Well, my wife would probably love your vodka. I’m not a vodka guy myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Steve Trevino: So you know, I ask for a bottle of Crown, right? And I’m the kind of guy that I’ve gone back there and it’s not there and I’m just like oh, okay. I’m not gonna be like “wait a minute.”

Captain Brien: No, oh no.

Captain Brien: “Where the hell is my bottle of Crown?”

Captain Brien: The whole show’s gotta stop.

Steve Trevino: “I’m not going on stage.”

Captain Brien: I go, “Eddie, you can’t smoke on stage anymore, “they just changed the rules.” He goes, “Oh okay, okay Captain. “Eddie Griffin no smoking, Eddie Griffin no showing.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: He was dead serious. They were dead serious, so I literally had to have the fire marshal at the show stand outside while he smoked, he said it was a prop onstage. The new contract that I just did, I was trying to bring him back in April, right now, hadn’t had him in a few years. Hadn’t had him for like three years. I’m trying to bring him back in April. It says Eddie Griffin must smoke onstage or else there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: Well I mean, Chapelle does that.

Captain Brien: He must be able to smoke onstage, or there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: But there’s a law, right? Where it’s like a prop, right, onstage.

Captain Brien: That’s what he says, “so I’m going with a prop.”

Steve Trevino: On stage you’re allowed to almost do anything as “art” and the cigarette is part of that.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, it’s not like the whole audience is toking up, it’s just the guy on the show that’s doing it.

Steve Trevino: I wanna see, oh, I’m looking at my phone. I wanna see if it’s coming out of my deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it must be, no?

Steve Trevino: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, if you’re watching on Steve’s channel right now, on his Facebook, ’cause we’re live, Steve Trevino, my guest on The Captain’s Log, say hi, leave a message below.

Steve Trevino: Oh, it’s working.

Captain Brien: It’s working, it’s working! We’re good, yes.

Steve Trevino: It’s also 7:47-

Captain Brien: 100%, yeah of course. Okay, so I’m gonna send out an email for people to watch it, by the time the weekend ends, I’d bet we hit 35,000, maybe 50, what do you think?

Steve Trevino: Wow that’s awesome, I think that’s great.

Captain Brien: Maybe 50, I’ll call for 50.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I follow you on Facebook, so I’ll be like, last week you had my friend Vicky Barbolak, who I-

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s a doll.

Steve Trevino: Absolutely love, but I see all your little episodes.

Captain Brien: Thanks, buddy.

Steve Trevino: I hate when I say, your little episodes. Like when people come up to me and go, “oh, your little show.”

Captain Brien: Tell me a joke, funny man, do a dance.

Steve Trevino: My little show, it’s my life. It’s what I do for a living.

Captain Brien: Oh, I get it all day, I get it all day. But I actually, because I’ve been doing it now, steady for like almost a year, I like when people say that they see the show, no matter what. Even if they ate it, I don’t care, they see it.

Steve Trevino: Check it out, right.

Captain Brien: You watch it.

Steve Trevino: Well, the idea of a Captain’s Log is awesome.

Captain Brien: You think it’s funny, is that cheesy?

Steve Trevino:  No, well, I remember when you first booked me years ago, and it was like, oh, Captain Brien’s restaurant, I’m like, “oh, that’s a cool name for a restaurant.” And then you get there and you’re like “oh, this is an awesome restaurant.” And then I’m like “hey Brien,” and you’re like “no, it’s actually Captain Brien.” And I’m like “no, no, no.” You’re like a real captain.

Captain Brien: That really helped me in the industry those days because calling LA and being like “hey it’s Captain Brien”, they’re like, “what is this?”

Steve Trevino: Captain Brien’s calling.

Captain Brien: What is this dude doing?

Steve Trevino: The captain is calling, hold on.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember thinking to myself, there’s no way you’re a real captain. And then you started to explain to me, “no, no, no, I’m a boat captain.” I’m like, “oh, you’re for real Captain Brien.”

Captain Brien: Right, but we fished twice right?

Steve Trevino:  I fished with you one time.

Captain Brien: One time.

Steve Trevino: And then you set me up with Captain Buddy.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Steve Trevino: And Captain Buddy took me out fishing, and I caught the biggest jewfish I ever caught in my life. It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: That is awesome.

Steve Trevino: 500 pounds or whatever it was, it was huge.

Captain Brien: Do you see those videos on Instagram of them hooking them on the docks now?

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that was you.

Steve Trevino: We should have videoed that. Yeah, he took like a hard head, cut the barbs off, and then sent it down, and he was like, “just hang on.” And then sure enough, it was unreal.

Captain Brien: It just takes you.

Steve Trevino: It was awesome.

Captain Brien: It takes you.

Steve Trevino: Which, by the way, anybody watching, I love to fish, let’s go Saturday morning, take me out.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, you’re watching the Captain’s Log. I’m heading out of town tomorrow ’cause I have to be at some birthday party or something in Las Vegas

Steve Trevino: Sorry about your life, Brian.

Captain Brien: I need somebody to DM because Steve wants to go fishing.

Steve Trevino: Let’s go.

Captain Brien: He’s a pretty good fisherman, so you better bring your A game because he wants to put it on ’em. You wanna bring fish home to eat though, yeah? Or do you just wanna catch and release?

Steve Trevino: I catch and release, but we always keep at least one or two, because your restaurant will always cook it up for you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’ll cook it for you.

Steve Trevino: Which is freakin’ awesome. I think I caught a snook here for the first time.

Captain Brien: Redfish, snapper, right.

Steve Trevino: Growing up, we were catching redfish, we catch redfish, speckled trout, black drum. But out here you get the snapper, you get the snooks, which are like redfish on steroids. The tarpon are unbelievable to catch, you know. So it’s nice to come out and catch different things than what I’m used to.

Captain Brien: Which is always fun.

Steve Trevino: Yeah

Captain Brien: Did you bring any gear or no?

Steve Trevino: No gear.

Captain Brien: You don’t need it. Make sure you guys have enough gear for Steve, he’s coming. Anyway I have plenty of rods, so I’ll hook you up.

Steve Trevino: In Colorado in April, thank you so much John, man, I appreciate you, thank you.

Captain Brien: Come do it, come do it, you can’t miss Steve. Hysterical show, how long have we been working together now?

Steve Trevino: Well, what’s funny is remember Gary Mankey?

Captain Brien: I do.

Steve Trevino: Gary was the one that was booking me back in the day when, and again-

Captain Brien: Have you seen him lately?

Steve Trevino: I haven’t seen him in forever.

Captain Brien: I haven’t either.

Steve Trevino: I just remember one night. So, Brien would put us up in a house and next door was his parent’s house, and his parents had a pool. So your parents were out of town, and we thought Gary had died.

Captain Brien: Every day I think Gary might die. There is not a doubt that could happen.

Steve Trevino: Everybody’s like, “where’s Gary?” We had been drinking and partying. And it was like “I don’t know, man.” And somebody goes, he’s in the pool next door. So when we got there he was passed out in a tube just floating in the middle of the pool. And I’m like “oh my god, he’s dead!

Captain Brien: That had to be a sight for sore eyes, too, oh my god.

Steve Trevino: It’s like five in the morning, he’s dead.

Captain Brien: That’s so funny.

Steve Trevino: So then of course, the next morning, he’s up at like 9 AM.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh no, he doesn’t quit.

Steve Trevino: Making coffee.

Captain Brien: No way, does not quit. It’s like he bounces back dude, I don’t get it.

Steve Trevino: So that’s how I have known you, and then-

Captain Brien: If we called Mickey, oh, it’s 9 o’ clock. If I call at six o’ clock in the morning, he’s like “hey Cap, what’s up, doing radio.” I’m like “yeah.

Steve Trevino: He’s been 60 since I met him. He’s one of those dudes, I met him 20 years ago, he was 60.

Captain Brien: That is so funny.

Steve Trevino: If I saw him today, he’s 60.

Captain Brien: That’s hysterical.

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable. But that’s how long I’ve known you. And then one year was the first time I’ve ever brought my wife, because you had me here for Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then you had me over at your home.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, we had Thanksgiving at the house.

Steve Trevino: I will never forget.

Captain Brien: That was great!

Steve Trevino: That was so nice of your family, which by the way, your parents, they’re like a cartoon version of a 50 year married couple.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Steve Trevino: Right, that’s exactly what they are. But, I got to know your family, you, over the years. It’s just been great coming down to southwest Florida and having the opportunity to fish, to hang out, to do the show in a club that’s not your typical comedy club.

Captain Brien: Right, we’ve kinda expanded now. We used to be like 50% comedy, 50% restaurant. Now it’s more like 90% comedy, and 10% restaurant, on the off times. Everybody eats, which is always so great that people come and they eat.

Steve Trevino: Have a nice dinner, right.

Captain Brien: Because then it’s like a whole night out. It’s not just like “ha, ha, let’s go get some laughs.”

Steve Trevino: Drink a beer and have a laugh.

Captain Brien: So they stay, so then they keep coming back. That’s what has helped us so much, is that they can just do it whenever, even if they’re hungry and they wanna laugh, they can do it.

Steve Trevino: Well you know our friends Rich and Cathy, who come down here all the time, they’re like “Steve, we love the food there.” Not only do they like to go to the comedy club, the food’s good.

Captain Brien: They need to call me more, they never text me or anything when they wanna come to a show and I know that they come.

Steve Trevino: They just pay, right?

Captain Brien: They probably have enough money, so that’s okay.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, they’re fine.

Captain Brien: Tell ’em not to call me, everyone else does that.

Steve Trevino: But Rich and Cathy, they’re class acts like that. And that’s why we get along with ’em, they’re working class Pittsburg.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Steve Trevino: You know what I mean? Which, by the way, what do you think there’s more of in Florida? Steelers fans or Patriots fans?

Captain Brien: Dude I don’t know.

Steve Trevino: It’s both. It’s definitely both.

Captain Brien: Because I’m from New England, probably my side I’d say Patriots, because a lot of people around me are New England fans. But, imagine being in Pittsburgh right now, or freakin’ somewhere where it’s three degrees.

Steve Trevino: Oh no, no.

Captain Brien: Boston right now, Boston, three degrees when I told you this morning.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, but Boston people don’t care. They’re out, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’ve been there, I was in Chicago, I’ve been in Boston. Being a Texas guy, I’m like, “there’s no way “these people are going out.”

Captain Brien: Yeah I know.

Steve Trevino: It’s over.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s done.

Steve Trevino:  But they don’t care, they’re out there with their shovels, getting the day going.

Captain Brien: When I was in Boston back in college, when it was like 45 or 50 and if it was sunny, you crank down the windows and act like it’s a beach day.

Steve Trevino: Put my flip flops on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you act like it’s something special. And now I’m like, it’s 40 degrees out, it’s freezing.

Steve Trevino: This is miserable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, this is ridiculous.

Steve Trevino: What’s wrong with this place?

Captain Brien: So I guess it just depends what you’re used to, because who would do that today, goddamn.

Steve Trevino: Well, Florida’s one of those places, too, where it’s literally thunder storming and people that don’t know are like, well the day’s done, oh no, give it 10.

Captain Brien: Yeah no, it’s coming back in five.

Steve Trevino: Give it 10 minutes.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Steve Trevino: Sun will be out, everything will be dry again.

Captain Brien: What time is it, oh it’s three o’ clock? Yeah, by 4:15, everything’s gone.

Steve Trevino: Dry, you wouldn’t even know it freakin’ rained.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then the storm pushes through.

Captain Brien: I know, I know.

Steve Trevino: But it’s so nice to be here man, I love coming to your club and hanging out.

Captain Brien: I appreciate that, we love having you because again, first of all, everybody that comes gets one hell of a show. That’s the other thing, like you have some people that can’t sell a ticket, and that’s great. You have some people that can sell out every show. But at the end of the day, the clubs want a show that’s funny. They want the show that people are gonna love.

Steve Trevino: I remember I had just put one out, I had just put out “Relatable” on Netflix, and I performed at your club. And you were like “Steve, you’re gonna blow up.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: In my head I was like “well thanks, but I haven’t, “and I can’t wait for it to happen.” But you were like “no, no, no, trust me, I’m telling you it’s gonna happen.” And then sure enough man, people caught on to the video memes and the clips, and now we’re on the next special after that called “Till Death”, which my wife and I produced ourselves, but it’s just been cool to see the growth in markets and fans. And you were booking me before I had fans. You were just like, “Steve’s funny, I’ll bring him in.”

Captain Brien: Well I mean yeah, you can’t deny funny, it doesn’t matter if people know you or not. If that is funny, especially with the internet now, that’s how you become so successful. When you put something out that’s funny, that’s undeniable, it doesn’t matter if I tell the joke, or you tell the joke. If it’s a funny damn joke that whoever told wrote it, that’s what people are gonna laugh at. You don’t laugh harder because some famous dude told it.

Steve Trevino: It’s a joke, what’s great to me is comics will call me and they’re like “Steve, “how do you do it what’s the deal man, what’s with the video, how do you do it, I put out a video.” And I’m like “well maybe I’m funny.”

Captain Brien: Maybe somebody laughed.

Steve Trevino: Maybe my stuff’s good enough to share.

Captain Brien: Right

Steve Trevino:  And now you’re mad at me because nobody shared any of your stuff.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Steve Trevino: Kyle White, what’s up my man?

Captain Brien: Hey Kyle, what’s going on?

Steve Trevino: I can’t tell you how many comics call me and go, “what’s the secret?” I go “I don’t know, I’m funny!”

Captain Brien: Right, exactly, the secret is, I told a joke that actually people laughed at.

Steve Trevino:  That people like, you can put the meme all you want, but they don’t like it.

Captain Brien: And people don’t share everything. To get people to share stuff, it’s a work of art right now.

Steve Trevino: I was just seeing this thing on the news about the secret-

Captain Brien: Hey Biggs, what’s up buddy, we’re pulling in right now.

Steve Trevino: All these advertisers, what’s the secret to going viral, and they’re like, “we’d love to know that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s no secret, the secret is that people have to enjoy what they want. They have to give a shit enough to put it on their so everybody sees it.

Steve Trevino:  And I’m a snob when it comes to the video sharing. If it comes up on my page, on my feed a couple times, I ignore it, but then 10 times later, I’m like “alright, now I gotta see.” The “Linda” thing, I was so far behind on the train, because it was this little boy, I’m not interested.

Captain Brien: You gotta see what it’s all about. Well guys, you’re gonna see what it’s all about. See Steve at Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend. I’m Captain Brien, this is the Captain’s Log, Steve Trevino, buddy, we gotta do this again. Okay, thanks guys, be out.

Episode 209 The Captain’s Log with Craig Shoemaker

Comedy, Live, lovemaster, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Emmy winner Craig Shoemaker joins Captain Brien on today’s ride where they discuss last year’s Superbowl bet, Philadelphia’s delicacy “scrapple,” Craig’s Shoemakers sons viral video, and of course the Lovemaster makes an appearance! Tune in to hear!

Watch full video at — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJMZ8YA54gY&t=21s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Craig Shoemaker out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Welcome aboard the Captain’s Log, guys. Oh god, look at that zit right there, what is that thing? That’s a big one. Yeah, I just noticed that. Not a good look. We’re live, my gosh. Anyway, Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster’s with me today and we just finished up on 105.5 The Beat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes.

Captain Brien: And we’re gonna be–

Craig Shoemaker: How do I do this here?

Captain Brien: I’ll show ya. My daughter, she’ll do it 25 times. Watch, she’ll call me 25 times.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m on the information super cul-de-sac here,

Captain Brien: And, yeah, we’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it. Look at us, right there.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, look at that! Okay, so now I share it on my page.

Captain Brien: Yeah, there you go.

Craig Shoemaker: So people can watch.

Captain Brien: And you’re good.

Craig Shoemaker: On the Craig Shoemaker.

Captain Brien: And we’re in

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, there we go.

Captain Brien: You’re live, baby. So, we just left 105.5 The Beat, we’re in Fort Myers, it’s raining today.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yes, this is ruining my golf game. I don’t know why I golf, I play in these celebrity things, I got a trophy for closest to the car.

Captain Brien: How is your golf game? Come on, how’s your golf game?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not that good, I don’t have the head for it. There’s something wrong with me. Plus, I’m very scattered, I have four kids, I can’t meditate. Every time I meditate, I’m thinking, oh, I gotta pick my daughter up from pre-school! There’s something always on your mind.

Craig Shoemaker: As a matter of fact, you’re getting bothered by your daughter’s

Captain Brien: Yeah, my daughter. It’s her birthday though, I can’t knock it, she turns 12 today.

Craig Shoemaker: Okay, we’ll forgive her.

Captain Brien: So she’s all fired up. She needs me to pick her up at noon, did you ever hear of such a thing? You can’t stay a whole day of school ’cause it’s her birthday. Yeah, this is new to me, too. Believe me. I don’t know. I fell for it this year.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s not a real thing?

Captain Brien: I don’t think so.

Craig Shoemaker: You don’t bother checking with the school. It’s amazing what we believe from our kids.

Captain Brien: I don’t think it’s a thing. I just think my daughter conned me into pickin’ her up at noon today to get–

Craig Shoemaker: My son says, I said, “it’s finals week,” he goes, “We don’t study.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I guess it’s a new thing, “We don’t study for finals anymore.”

Captain Brien: Right. Yeah, they don’t do homework, that’s the other thing. “We don’t have homework during finals week.” I go, “Well don’t you have to study for the test?” “No study, no, we did everything in class.”

Craig Shoemaker: And then we have evidence too. You can go online now and see what they’re not doing. And then they have an excuse for that, too.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: They go, “Oh no, it’s a special program that I’m in.” It’s called the F program.

Captain Brien: That’s a classic. I love that they teach ’em that when it’s the busiest time of the week, the end, during the finals, they don’t have to do anything at home for it. Just like in real life, right? When you have a big show, you don’t prepare. You just walk right up there and do it.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, but they just think we’re a bunch of idiots. By the way, am I supposed to be nervous here? You’re on a show, while you’re driving, although it looks like I’m driving ’cause it looks like we’re in England on this thing.

Captain Brien: No, it’s the right way.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, is this the right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to them it’s the right way. When I don’t flip it, it’s the wrong way and they tell me the whole time, “You’re goin’ “the wrong–what kind of car is that?” “You’re on the wrong side of the road.”

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, during a tropical storm. What’s it called? Inda, Indra?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s a good name because there are very few Indras out there.

Craig Shoemaker: I feel so sorry, my friend’s daughter name is Katrina.

Captain Brien: Oh no!

Craig Shoemaker: So for the rest of her life, no one’s gonna wanna date her. I’m not datin’ that storm!

Captain Brien: Exactly, yeah, that’s a freakin’ disaster, catastrophe.

Craig Shoemaker: They should have names that you would never, you’re never gonna meet like an Adolf. There’s not a lot of Adolfs out there. Call a tropical storm, or Shmeggeggy.

Captain Brien: Right

Craig Shoemaker: There’s cyclone Shmeggeggy is comin’ this way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that would really suck if it was your name that was taken down by a storm.

Craig Shoemaker: Irma. Not a lot of Irmas out there.

Craig Shoemaker: Not a lot.You can get away with that one. Maybe that is what they’re doing now, they’re coming up with names that you wouldn’t really–

Captain Brien: They use the alphabet, right?

Craig Shoemaker: They do.

Captain Brien: And then they go around, that’s how they do it.

Craig Shoemaker: I haven’t seen a Craig yet.

Captain Brien: Ooh, Craig’s gonna be rough.

Craig Shoemaker: But, they should have one called the Lovemaster.

Captain Brien: Yeah, what kinda storm is that gonna be?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, baby. I’ll get you so wet they’ll have to call FEMA.

Captain Brien: You’ll be flooded.

Craig Shoemaker: You better get a wide angle, right there, baby. Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: For the Lovemaster?

Craig Shoemaker: For the Lovemaster baby.

Captain Brien: We look good today, it’s the lighting, the technical guy did a good job, didn’t he?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, God.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s his natural lighting here.

Captain Brien: Looks good, you look sexy, that beard.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, I wore the hat though, ’cause you picked me up so early.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been at it too. We’ve been at this for all morning!

Captain Brien: All morning.

Craig Shoemaker: Brought me a breakfast sandwich though.

Captain Brien: That was nice of me.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re like “that was nice of me.”

Captain Brien: It was!

Craig Shoemaker: I have to give you credit for being nice. And you did not renege on a bet last year. My Eagles against your Patriots. You send me a whole cooler filled with lobster rolls.

Captain Brien: That was a losing bet no matter how I looked at it. Even if I won–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, me sending you scrapples is not gonna work.

Captain Brien: Yeah, me getting chucked meat and a sandwich.

Craig Shoemaker: You ever heard of scrapple?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I have.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you that.

Captain Brien: What’s scrapple?

Craig Shoemaker: It’s–you gotta go.

Captain Brien: I gotta drive, I gotta drive. You got so interested in scrapple, I almost lost my concentration.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s called scrapple. Now, do you trust anything with the word “crap” sitting right in the middle of the word?

Captain Brien: No.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s one vowel away from scrap pile and that’s what it is.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how they make sausage? It’s what’s left over on the floor. So it’s a scrap pile.

Captain Brien: You’re shittin’ me.

Craig Shoemaker: So it’s a pile, and they put it into a mold, and Philadelphians go, “Ah, just put ketchup on it, “it’ll put hair on your chest.” Well thanks for the health tip, Sasquatch.

Captain Brien: Wait, it’s the uncased sausage?

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, it’s the ingredients and it’s the snouts and all that stuff.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s not very appetizing anymore.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: But we love it in Philadelphia, it’s a mold.

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send that to you if the Patriots beat the Eagles last year. Fortunately for you and your digestive system, you did not win the bet, but I sure loved it.

Captain Brien: Then I would have really been pissed, ’cause I wanted a real Philly cheesesteak. I wasn’t gonna get one?

Craig Shoemaker: I was gonna send you scrapple.

Captain Brien: Oh my God!

Craig Shoemaker: No, I would’ve sent you cheesesteaks. I don’t know if they travel well.

Captain Brien: And I’m thinking, this guy’s gonna send me a cheeseteak for $50, and I’m spending $500 on lobsters. How the hell could I have lost that-

Craig Shoemaker: Was is $500?

Captain Brien: Dude, by the time you pay for everything it was like, it was a good $350 I’m not kidding.

Craig Shoemaker: I wanna bet you more often.

Captain Brien: It sent me back $350.

Craig Shoemaker: I would’ve had some guy make you a cheesesteak and bring it over to you.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Some guy in the Florida area here.

Captain Brien: I love a cheesesteak though, it’s one of my favs. How do you do your cheesesteak?

Craig Shoemaker: I do whiz, you gotta do the whiz.

Captain Brien: Is it, so–okay.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ll never forget Jay Leno, he used to go, “Whiz? Just how much whiz is in your cheese whiz?” I don’t know how much whiz is in it but it’s delicious. My females that I grew up with will not do the whiz. They were like, “that’s not real cheese.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, I want American cheese, but that’s not a tradition.

Craig Shoemaker: And then you put sauce, which you, an Italian you would say gravy, red gravy

Captain Brien: Wait, in Philly they put that on there?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh yeah, sauce in it and grilled onions.

Captain Brien: I love that, I didn’t know that was a real thing.

Craig Shoemaker: No yeah, it’s like a pizza steak.

Captain Brien: Yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah you put pizza sauce on the cheesesteak.

Captain Brien: Really?

Craig Shoemaker: But you go with the scrapple. I don’t know what kind of meat they used but I dropped it on my lap and it started humping my leg.

Captain Brien: Wait, you can get scrapple at the cheesesteak place?

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, a lot of places, yeah. It’s a Philadelphia tradition, it’s a breakfast food.

Captain Brien: Oh, so–And what’s the best–

Craig Shoemaker: What’s the tradition here in Naples? What kind of breakfast do you eat?

Captain Brien: Everyone wants grouper. For breakfast, I don’t think we have a–

Craig Shoemaker: It has to be something soft, there’s a lot of old people here. The audience last night, the average age was on oxygen.

Captain Brien: You know what–

Craig Shoemaker: I had one guy, literally, I’m not kidding you, the entire show, why do you put someone in the front row who has a gape mouth the entire time?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: I thought he literally was going to die.

Captain Brien: It was a Jewish federation, they have a place upstairs, and they started out with 40 people, and they went to like 150 people. You know that it’s not a young organization.

Craig Shoemaker: No.

Captain Brien: I assume it’s very old. But you’ll see tonight, it’s a young crowd.

Craig Shoemaker: Tonight’s the young crowd?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it won’t be like that.

Craig Shoemaker: That means they’re like 70.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’ll be in their 60’s.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s the young crowd.

Captain Brien: No, no, it’s not like that.

Craig Shoemaker: I mentioned social media last night, I said, “Oh no, forget it.” Just send me a postcard.

Captain Brien: Yeah it’s a Wednesday night with that crowd in there, I mean come on. It’s not gonna resonate too well. They think social media is them reading the newspaper when it’s delivered.

Craig Shoemaker: While they’re playing mahjong.

Captain Brien: Right. We’re being very social, yes.

Craig Shoemaker: My son, he’s into that “snatch chat.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, right?

Craig Shoemaker: That’s all he does all the time.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing though, I use it, I use it.

Craig Shoemaker: I didn’t, that’s the one I will not do.

Captain Brien: Why, because you gotta be quick?

Craig Shoemaker: I tried it for like–well because I’m– Whoa stop, stop, stop, oh my God.

Captain Brien: Hey, the car’s automatic. Look, look.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, no way?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it does everything.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, that would’ve stopped anyway? As you were ramming into that guy’s ass?

Captain Brien: Yeah, absolutely. Right in his butt hole.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s an idiot, by the way.

Captain Brien: Yeah, look at him, he went to the other guy. He had to cut over, to cut over, to cut over.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my god, he’s a tailgater, during a storm, and he has a piece of shit car. We should show people this car.

Captain Brien: Go tell him, go tell him.

Craig Shoemaker: What is that box that he’s driving? It drives like that?

Captain Brien: It’s terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Cut us off.

Captain Brien: Its terrible.

Craig Shoemaker: Alright, so back to the funny.

Captain Brien: So back to your son doing Snapchat.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes! I call it “snatch chat,” because when it first started, I saw a lot of disappearing vaginas.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I was trying to admonish him at the same time, I’m going “whoa, whoa, whoa.”

Captain Brien: Maybe I should follow his account, I’m very intrigued now.

Craig Shoemaker: He FaceTimed me from… from Europe. He was there for his graduation. Three and a half weeks! What’d you do when you graduated? I was in the Jersey Shore for a night, slept under a car, and this kid’s in Europe.

Captain Brien: When I graduated college, I had chicken pox the day after. So bad that I literally was in bed for like 14 days.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: It was brutal.

Craig Shoemaker: Who gets chicken pox at 17, 18 years old?

Captain Brien: That was college, when I graduated college. I was 21, and it was so bad.

Craig Shoemaker: High school though, what’d you do for high school? You didn’t do anything, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, I didn’t do nothing.

Craig Shoemaker: Three and a half weeks with his friends.

Captain Brien: I probably played baseball the next day.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s FaceTiming me, he said, “What’s up, dad? “I’m in a nude beach in France.” I’m going, “Move your fuckin’ head!”

Captain Brien: Right!

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what I paid for!

Captain Brien: You’re taking up the whole screen.

Craig Shoemaker: I see that head all the time, he’s got this big head getting in the way. I wanna see some Francé!

Captain Brien: Flip the camera around!

Craig Shoemaker: Francé titty.

Captain Brien: Don’t they know you’re talking to the Lovemaster on the other line, baby?

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God.

Captain Brien: Geez.

Craig Shoemaker: He’s the new Lovemaster, my son.

Captain Brien: He is, right? So he had a viral video.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes, I sent him to… Like an idiot, I fly him to Philadelphia ’cause I didn’t wanna go– I can’t celebrate like I used to.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Who cares? So I send the kid in to Philadelphia when they won the Super Bowl. Next thing I know, a viral video of him upside down doing a keg stand in his Eagle’s jersey.

Captain Brien: And he wasn’t 21?

Craig Shoemaker: No. With a guy with a joint in his lips holding him up, with some woman in the background with a Philadelphia accent going, “Justin from California, bitches!”

Captain Brien: A proud moment Daddy had.

Captain Brien: And it went viral, yeah!

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, good Lord.

Captain Brien: He got a lot for it, right? A lot of views.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, and meanwhile I’m writing jokes and have real talent, and this kid does a keg stand in Philadelphia during a Super Bowl party, and gets more views than I ever have for my hour and a half Daditude special.

Captain Brien: Right, right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: Can’t do things long anymore.

Captain Brien: No it’s all short–

Craig Shoemaker: I feel sorry for women these days.

Craig Shoemaker: There’s no foreplay. What about foreplay? I was always instructed that that was what women wanted.

Captain Brien: I think they want, they want jokes. Maybe they don’t.

Craig Shoemaker: They say a sense of humor, that is a bunch of crap. They’re never in the front row throwing panties at me at the comedy show.

Captain Brien: This is true.

Craig Shoemaker: Tell another joke, comedy boy.

Captain Brien: Yeah they don’t come to the door and say “I’ll trade you for tickets, my panties.” That doesn’t work.

Craig Shoemaker: “Talk about being cheap with your kids, you’re making me moist.” No, they’re not after a sense of humor. They say that in all the surveys, but it’s not true.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they wanna look like they’re not shallow?

Craig Shoemaker: Now a multimillionaire telling jokes, I’m sure they’d be into that.

Captain Brien: They’re very into it.

Craig Shoemaker: No, I sound bitter. I’m happily married.

Captain Brien: Well that’s good.

Craig Shoemaker: I’m also divorced.

Captain Brien: You are, yeah we talked about that.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right. And by the way, all my shows at your clubs are benefit shows and all proceeds go to my ex-wife. I just thought I’d let you know.

Captain Brien: They can get tickets. Go to OffTheHookComedy.com

Craig Shoemaker: And it goes to Pilates.

Captain Brien: Yeah. How can you say no to that?

Craig Shoemaker: It goes to her Pilates class and her… and Botox.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah that’s what your cover charge goes to that.

Captain Brien: That’s funny

Craig Shoemaker: But no, I’m not bitter

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. So tell me, you’ve been doin’ the comedy now how long?

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, we have 13– You told me I was gonna have a load of–

Captain Brien: We will!

Craig Shoemaker: Now it went down to 11.

Captain Brien: We will! It’s nine o’clock. How many people are gonna watch at nine o’clock? By the time this is done–

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah?

Captain Brien: By the time you leave this weekend, 10,000 views, guaranteed.

Craig Shoemaker: Let me see what it says here.

Captain Brien: There’s probably–

Craig Shoemaker: “By the way, who needs sunglasses today? LOL.” I do ’cause I’ve been up all night.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Craig had a–Hi Ana! Ana’s watching laughing at us right now. And Elaine, hey Elaine. What’s happening–Oh, Eileen? I can’t read because I’m tryin’ to drive. I should drive and not talk. Or should I not read?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m looking at you, Ana. With my hazel eyes.

Captain Brien: You should entertain the audience. This is my actual podcast, Craig.

Craig Shoemaker: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: What do you mean, “entertain the audience”?

Captain Brien: Yeah, say somethin’ good, you know? Say somethin’ funny. Do you hate when people say that to you? I hate it! “Oh own a comedy club? Are you funny?” What do you mean? I’m not a comedian.

Craig Shoemaker: I had this woman in Philadelphia– I was havin’ a meal at this outdoor cafe. From another table with a Philadelphia accent, “Hey yo, I overheard you’re a comedian. “Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.” I’m like, “Listen lady, this is what I do for a living. “What do you do?” “I’m a nurse.” “Alright, you give me an enema. “You do your job, I’ll do mine. How’s that?” It’s what we do for a living. And then people askin’ for free tickets.

Captain Brien: Oh, nonstop.

Craig Shoemaker: I hope he’s watchin’ right now. A guy on my Facebook flat-out says, “How ’bout some tickets?” How do you think–Do you own a bakery? I go, “You know, I’ll have a croissant, “I’ll have a little pastry.”

Captain Brien: Why don’t ya whip me up a cake right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Just because I asked.

Captain Brien: I’ll trade you a cake in your back pocket for these tickets. The thing that drive me crazy is that they’ll hit you up, wonderin’ what’s goin’ on that weekend. Oh, nothin’ much. No show. No! Is it, “Are they funny?” How ’bout that question? “Hey you got a show this weekend. Are they funny?”

Craig Shoemaker: That’s irrelevant.

Captain Brien: Oh, are they funny? Yeah, no I try to book the most un-funny people in the U.S. That’s my business.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, there are a lot of un-funnies.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but I don’t book ’em!

Craig Shoemaker: But they have a Youtube hit.

Captain Brien: Well, okay.

Craig Shoemaker: You know, if they have a Youtube hit, they’re an influencer, so influencers are now doing comedy.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are. It’s a big thing.

Craig Shoemaker: You know how you can tell by the way? I’m gonna give you a secret. Okay? You.

Captain Brien: This is a secret just for the people that watch it.

Craig Shoemaker: If it’s a star, right? They list it as a star show and it says “and friends.” That means they have no material and they load it up with comedians but they’re basing everything on their draw from being the influencer–

Captain Brien: That’s true.

Craig Shoemaker: Of which they only have five minutes of material.

Captain Brien: But the people love the fact that they get to meet those people.

Craig Shoemaker: They get to meet the influencer who’s gonna only be around a second.

Captain Brien: But they want a picture with the influencer.

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster’s got stay power baby. Oh yeahhh.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve been doin’ this since high school

Captain Brien: I literally fell in love with the Lovemaster. I don’t know how long ago, but like one of my favorite bits in comedy.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh really?

Captain Brien: It is! Yeah I’m not kiddin’. I love it. I love it.

Craig Shoemaker: Well, I have to be P.C. about it now. I’m gonna tell you the derivation of the Lovemaster, which is P.C. I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Oh look! Bob Feffer and Sherri Feffer. Those are your friends from Philly. Yeah, yeah she’s watchin’ right now.

Craig Shoemaker: Aye! They’re local.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, they all watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Nice weather you gave me here, Sherri.

Captain Brien: Yeah. Hi Sherri! Hey Bob, what’s goin’ on?

Craig Shoemaker: Bob’s not on.

Captain Brien: Well, maybe they’re together. I don’t know.

Craig Shoemaker: By the way, speaking of comp tickets, they asked me for four on Friday.

Captain Brien: Here we go.

Craig Shoemaker: Can you write that down?

Captain Brien: Just reel ’em in. Reelin’ em in.

Craig Shoemaker: Actually, to top it all of, they went through Tim Mooney to ask me for the tickets for them.

Craig Shoemaker: And I have to ask you. That’s how it works in the comedy business. It’s a wonder we make any money.

Captain Brien: So you’re tellin’ me about the Lovemaster, which I said was one of my favorite bits of comedy–

Craig Shoemaker: The Lovemaster all came from–I was a geek in high school.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: Which is how I became a comic, because it’s the only why to get attention from the girls. I was 5’1″, 92 lbs, and all the girls would use the F-word with me: Friend. I was always the frickin’ friend.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I hated it. I asked 13 girls to the prom.

Captain Brien: No way!

Craig Shoemaker: And the one who went with me, she ended up making out with Ricky Aldamere in the corner.

Captain Brien: Ricky, that S.O.B.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, Linda Scott– I go with her, I thought she’d look good for the photo.

Captain Brien: Damn it Ricky!

Craig Shoemaker: You know, show my kids, “Look at this.” “Look who I went to the prom with.”

Captain Brien: Where’s Ricky now? He’s not the Lovemaster.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s right.

Craig Shoemaker: One time–You know Cindy Crawford, supermodel?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course.

Craig Shoemaker: I was doin’ a TV show with her on NBC and she goes, “You must’a had a lot of girls.” I said, “No, Cindy. I was a geek.” 13 girls, Linda Scott made out with Rickey Aldamere, and I turned to the camera and I said, “Well Linda, I’m here with Cindy Crawford.” Right?

Craig Shoemaker: And I swear to God she was actually watching and so was Ricky Aldamere’s wife.

Captain Brien: Get outta here! That’s so funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Ricky Aldamere’s wife e-mailed me: “He was a creep back then, wasn’t he?”

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Craig Shoemaker: Yes he was. He took my prom date I spent all that money for. I should bill him.

Captain Brien: That’s a riot. I love that.

Craig Shoemaker: It’s a lot of money.

Captain Brien: But now you created the Lovemaster and then it made a living so thank Ricky.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s true. From every hardship, I ended up turning it around and making lemonade.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: I’ve got a whole stand now of all the hardships.

Captain Brien: We did that with our ex’s too.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s exactly right, so I’ve got some good ex material.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Craig Shoemaker: I don’t have as much about my current wife.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Craig Shoemaker: She shouldn’t be called “current” wife. She’s my wife. Like it’s a temp job.

Captain Brien: There could be an expiration date

Craig Shoemaker: No, there’s no expiration date.

Captain Brien: I run 10 years.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s permanent. I believe on my part she is, but she’s just so… She’s so kind and, you know, you have to have conflict in comedy. And we have no conflict. I’m like, “Can you get mad at me for something?”

Captain Brien: Right, you have to have somethin’ to talk about.

Craig Shoemaker: Yeah, so I don’t have a lot about her except she’s very, very new-agey.

Captain Brien: You did say that.

Craig Shoemaker: She gets turned on when I compost.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Craig Shoemaker: I’m like, “Look, honey. I got a banana peel. “I’m putting it in the can where it belongs.”

Captain Brien: And she’s ready to go.

Craig Shoemaker: She’s got a vaginal boner on this one. On the composting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God. So guys, tune in right now. We’re going on 105–no, I’m sorry, 103.9.

Craig Shoemaker: So that was it? That’s–

Captain Brien: We’re done, the show, we gotta end it baby. It’s a wrap.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh, we’re up to six people. That’s fantastic. This really killed.

Captain Brien: It’s been on and off. It’s the damn zit today. See this zit right here? That’s why no one wants to watch.

Craig Shoemaker: Why would you point it out? I can’t even see it.

Captain Brien: I don’t know what happened You can’t see it? It’s huge!

Captain Brien: Go all the way up to the thing here. I grew that just since we’ve been talking.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh my God, it looks like Beetlejuice. Another head is growing on your–

Captain Brien: How all of a sudden that happened? It’s the stress of my daughter’s birthday today.

Craig Shoemaker: That’s what it is?

Captain Brien: Maybe.

Craig Shoemaker: You’re under pressure?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot. I gotta do a lot of things.

Craig Shoemaker: I love that kids now–she has a whole, like, four days for her birthday.

Captain Brien: It’s not a birthday month to–

Craig Shoemaker: You won’t take me fishing now, “Oh it’s my daughter’s birthday.” “So when’s her birthday?” “Today.” “Well I’m asking you to fish on Sunday.” “Oh no, it’s still my daughter’s birthday.”

Captain Brien: Have you seen the birthday month post? “It’s my birthday month! Give it up!” Like that’s extra.

Craig Shoemaker: Oh God, you know what I hate about birthdays? We were all born.

Captain Brien: Yeah everyone has one, right?

Craig Shoemaker: There’s nothing special. I don’t celebrate them anymore.

Captain Brien: I know, I know. Listen guys, we’re wrappin’ it up. It’s the Captain’s Log, say “hi” to us. You can follow Craig Shoemaker @craigshoe, yeah?

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log, that reminds me of John Luck Pickard.

Captain Brien: Eh, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: I need a sexy name for the followers though.

Craig Shoemaker: Stool is a little loose. Need more fiber.

Craig Shoemaker: Engage!

Captain Brien: We’re out guys.

Craig Shoemaker: Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien: We gotta go. 103.9, tune in. We’re gonna be live and 96K-Rock. See Craig at Off The Hook Comedy Club all weekend. Later, we out.

Episode 207 The Captain’s Log with America’s Got Talent Star Vicki Barbolak

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Special star Vicki Barbolak joins Captain Brien to talk about her experience and some of her favorite moments on America’s Got Talent and America’s Got Talent: The Champions, her upcoming shows at Off The Hook Comedy Club in Naples, Florida, and a failed attempt to sing a song about Rum in honor of Captain Brien’s Rum!

Watch full video at ———–>  https://youtu.be/m3yQUCGOTmE

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Vicki Barbolak out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Good morning, and welcome aboard The Captain’s Log. Vicki Barbolak, oh my goodness.

Vicki Barbolak: Ahoy, captain.

Captain Brien: I have a trailer, is it the trailer nasty, is that what I do?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s the trailer nasty.

Captain Brien: Let’s take a ride, we’re doing radio.

Vicki Barbolak: I got some Captain Brien rum.

Captain Brien: I already hooked you up with rum.

Vicki Barbolak: For the road.

Captain Brien: Is that good for you?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s delicious. Just my size, too. Nothing like a little gallon of rum at 10 in the morning to make a girl feel happy.

Captain Brien: So, yeah, so we’re gonna do some radio. We already did two stations, which was fun. We did Gator Country, in Bonita Springs, and then we just left I Heart Radio with 105.5 the Beat and the Freakshow so, it’s a long weekend here in Naples, all the way til Sunday, I’m excited. Shows are selling like crazy. We’re gonna have so much fun. And, I wanna know all kinds of good stuff about your career, and what you’ve been doing.

Vicki Barbolak: Ever since America’s Got Talent, like, it’s just like a whole different world. People come up to me, in the grocery store, in the airports. It’s just, liquor stores, you know, and not because I didn’t pay the bill. It’s a miracle. It’s just been so much fun.

Captain Brien: And how do you feel like, the future of your career’s gonna be?

Vicki Barbolak: I feel like a baby, like it just started. And, you know, I got people coming at me with television shows, and, just, like, everything I ever dreamed of is actually happening. I bought the second best trailer in my trailer park, can I, I’m just sorry to brag about that.

Captain Brien: You are, you are. But that’s okay.

Vicki Barbolak: You know I’m still the same person, Brien.

Captain Brien: You’re coming up, it’s big, it’s big time now.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m still the same person. Yeah. All is well.

Captain Brien: We can pull out here, and the sun is getting us. But we’re gonna pull right out, and just take our chances.

Vicki Barbolak: This is beautiful. Are we gonna see any alligators here in the street?

Captain Brien: I think so, right. Maybe crossing the road while we’re driving.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s what I’ve heard, they’re everywhere.

Captain Brien: So, the thing I wondered, really, is, and I briefly asked you before. When you’re on the show, they don’t do, like, they don’t tell you, like, okay, I want to set up this big stage for you this time? Or, do you do that? And then, what about the costumes, and the expense, and all that?

Vicki Barbolak: I got to have a lot of input on what I wear, because my clothes are, you know, very specific.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ve been shopping in thrift stores my whole life, and, I have a certain aesthetic.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And so. Sorry, this darn cough. Anyway, so I got to have a lot of input on the clothes. The first few shows, you bring your own clothes, and, so I did, and by the time you make the finals.

Captain Brien: You really, I don’t know if that’s actually.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, it’s so good.

Captain Brien: That’s barrel aged.

Vicki Barbolak: Damn, that smells good.

Captain Brien: In bourbon barrels, you like that?

Vicki Barbolak: This smells delicious

Captain Brien: Are you gonna go right out there?

Vicki Barbolak: Just wakes me right up. I have to make sure there’s some police around before I take a big drink.

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s make sure. Let’s pour it all over ourselves.

Vicki Barbolak: Because I like to be stopped.

Captain Brien: If they pull us over, they immediately get the aroma of alcohol.

Vicki Barbolak: Is it illegal in Florida to drink and drive?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think so.

Vicki Barbolak: Is it an issue?

Captain Brien: It’s pretty sure, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, I had no idea. I thought it was different here. People are always on vacation.

Captain Brien: No, it’s definitely.

Vicki Barbolak: Let me put the cap back on, Captain.

Captain Brien: Put it on tight.

Vicki Barbolak: So not gonna taste it in the car. Officer.

Captain Brien: This is a prop, it’s a stage prop. That’s all. We were just making sure.

Vicki Barbolak: This isn’t even real.

Captain Brien: It’s legit, so, for tonight. That’s all we’re doing.

Vicki Barbolak: Well, there’s the next radio station. As soon as we stop, I can have some, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, I’m not gonna hold that back from you, come on.

Vicki Barbolak: This stuff smells divine.

Captain Brien: I have to make sure the talent is comfortable on the Captain’s Log.

Vicki Barbolak: Absolutely. If you’re gonna drink all day, you gotta start in the morning.

Captain Brien: Yes, yes.

Vicki Barbolak: And we’re coming up to that 10:00 start time.

Captain Brien: So, who planned, like, I just saw you on the champions, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah

Captain Brien: Which was awesome. And you came out with these two good looking dudes. Like, did you have to get the dudes?

Vicki Barbolak: I got the dancers.

Captain Brien: They got ’em.

Vicki Barbolak: And they were such nice guys. I worked with them around, 26, 30 hours. Getting that out.

Captain Brien: To make sure.

Vicki Barbolak: I had them over to the house, yeah, to make sure they did just right.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And they kissed. Yeah, that took a lot of work.

Captain Brien: Yeah, a lot of practice.

Vicki Barbolak: A lot of kissing.

Captain Brien: I understand.

Vicki Barbolak: They were gorgeous.

Captain Brien: I understand.

Vicki Barbolak: One was from Russia, the other one was from Latin America. Oh, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s cute. It was very well done.

Vicki Barbolak: It was super fun, and, the whole show, they really make it fun. Everyone there that is a really loving atmosphere. People are so. You think it’d be really terrible ordeal.

Captain Brien: No, I would never think it was terrible, why? Why would I think it was terrible?

Vicki Barbolak: Not you, because you’re a positive person. But a lot of people go, oh, was it horrible? Was it just so much stress? And it really wasn’t, it was really fun.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I would totally think that it would be, obviously, it’s been a life changer for you.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: But not only life changer, like the experience is once in a lifetime, right?

Vicki Barbolak: I never forgot that, every day. People go, Vicki, sorry we’re making you wait. Sorry this is so long. I go, hey, I can sit here all day, and never have a better day in my life

Captain Brien: Right?

Vicki Barbolak: So, it was so much fun.

Captain Brien: And then there is a lot of talent on the show. I mean, do you get to watch any of the other acts?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Or do you have to watch them on the monitor?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I got to see Courtney live all the time. And then, if you weren’t busy, you could go watch other people’s rehearsals. It was really fun.

Captain Brien: That’s so cool.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, that giant group from Austria, those dancers. Seeing that live was amazing. And then the Champions show, seeing Susan Boyle sing live was, like, crazy. The room, you just get goosebumps everywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah. She did a good performance, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, she was amazing.

Captain Brien: That was exciting.

Vicki Barbolak: She sang that song Wild Horses. And, that was amazing to hear her sing Wild Horses.

Captain Brien: She was great. I mean, I like the back story too, though. How do they do the back story? Do they come out and film stuff with you guys, or what?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, they came out to the trailer park a bunch of times. And, you know, they film like 10 hours to get two or three minutes, it was hilarious. They had drones flying over the trailer park, and, all the old neighbors are like, what’s that? Is that a plane? Was there a plane? Vicki, was that a plane? Yeah, it was a little tiny plane, with a little tiny guy driving the little tiny plane. It’s so fun.

Captain Brien: And then you got to hang out with Preacher Lawson the other day.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, he is so great. What a nice guy.

Captain Brien: One of his first shows was his open mic at my club.

Vicki Barbolak: You’re kidding me.

Captain Brien: No, I’m serious. Yeah, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh my love, he’s awesome.

Captain Brien: He’s great.

Vicki Barbolak: He’s so great. What a great person, too.

Captain Brien: He’s really nice, really positive dude.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. It’s not gonna change his thing.

Captain Brien: No.

Vicki Barbolak: He’s just such a good guy.

Captain Brien: And I don’t see it changing you. I think you’re gonna enjoy the fame, but I don’t see you like, what do you feel like? You feel like, oh my God, now I’m a huge star? What’s it like?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I just feel like a big bottle of gratitude. That’s all I feel like.

Captain Brien: Just a whole bottle?

Vicki Barbolak: This is filled with gratitude. In my body.

Captain Brien: Ah, that’s exciting. That really is.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s so great.

Captain Brien: And, you’re married. You’re on your third marriage.

Vicki Barbolak: Third marriage. My favorite and current husband Lou is a piano player at the Comedy Store, so. He’s a great guy.

Captain Brien: And, you met him playing the piano. Do you sing, or do you just enjoy his piano playing?

Vicki Barbolak: No, I don’t sing, ever.

Captain Brien: Nothing.

Vicki Barbolak: Because I love people.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at singing.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, me too. Oh.

Captain Brien: We should sing.

Vicki Barbolak: We should sing, you wanna sing?

Captain Brien: I mean, I could try.

Vicki Barbolak: What should we sing? What’s a good Florida song?

Captain Brien: I know Happy Birthday.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s a good one.

Captain Brien: That’s a really, that’s a good one, right?

Vicki Barbolak: We gotta sing the bottle of rum song.

Captain Brien: Oh, is there a rum song? ♪ 99 bottles of rum on the wall. ♪

Vicki Barbolak: No, a bottle. Rum, I can’t remember right now.

Captain Brien: What is it? ♪ Drink one down ♪ ♪ Pass it around ♪ No? That’s a beer. Damn, I don’t even know of a song.

Vicki Barbolak: You know, I think we’re doing people a favor right now.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m so bad. So not musically talented. I don’t even remember the songs. Not even nursery rhymes, hardly.

Vicki Barbolak: Can’t do it.

Captain Brien: Only nursery rhymes I tend to remember, is, Dice.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh yeah, those are so funny.

Captain Brien: Right?

Vicki Barbolak: Telling your little children those. Chickory, chickory doc.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, I don’t think this one goes like that. My daughter’s like, daddy, that’s not the right one, daddy.

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: And she’s at school.

Vicki Barbolak: You know what I’ve been worried about lately, I went to the BevMo the other day, and they sell tiny little.

Captain Brien: Where’d you go?

Vicki Barbolak: BevMo.

Captain Brien: What’s that?

Vicki Barbolak: A liquor store, you don’t have those?

Captain Brien: No.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s like a giant, it’s like Costco of liquor.

Captain Brien: Oh, I need to get hooked up with them, right?

Vicki Barbolak: Yes, of course.

Captain Brien: They could start carrying my brand.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ll bring it over. I know everyone at every BevMo. And so, they sell these little juice boxes by the cash registers. The same size boxes as Juicy Juice. With cocktails.

Captain Brien: Oh, perfect.

Vicki Barbolak: And I’m like, how many mothers are gonna be asleep when their kids are packing their little lunches. They’re gonna be drinking, you know, a margarita at their little kindergarten lunch.

Captain Brien: But what about the, like the wine? You see all these new wine carriers and stuff. Is it a problem? Like, are people struggling to drink wine, that they have to come up with all these creative new cases, and ways to travel with it?

Vicki Barbolak: It is just, I think people like.

Captain Brien: Like I see the wine purse now. The wine necklace. Have you seen the wine watch?

Vicki Barbolak: I have not got a wine watch. I’ve got a wine purse, and I’ve got a wine backpack. But, the wine boxes for individual carry, and for picnics and stuff, and also for driving on your way to work when you, when you, you know.

Captain Brien: Need another bottle.

Vicki Barbolak: Not in your car.

Captain Brien: You don’t want a bottle rolling around. A box is much better.

Vicki Barbolak: So much quieter.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah. And then you have the cork earrings.

Vicki Barbolak: I have the cork earrings, of course.

Captain Brien: And, did you make those?

Vicki Barbolak: A lady in my trailer park makes them. But I did drink this wine.

Captain Brien: That’s beautiful.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, she makes them. I give her, she needs a little money, so it works out perfect.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so you plug it.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. So.

Captain Brien: Well, you’re gonna be at Off the Hook Comedy Club. Tonight’s show is nine o’clock. That’s Thursday.

Vicki Barbolak: Party down tonight, ladies.

Captain Brien: And, the Friday is seven and nine, and Saturday is seven and nine. And Sunday is seven. Get tickets at offthehookcomedy.com. But of course, do you want to give away a ticket right now? Two tickets to tonight’s show? What do they have to do?

Vicki Barbolak: They could do something?

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s let them, make them do something.

Vicki Barbolak: Call and tell us a joke?

Captain Brien: You have to message us right now. What city you’re in. If you’re in Naples or Fort Myers, then you have to message us, and you have to say who your favorite person is on AGT.

Vicki Barbolak: Okay.

Captain Brien: Like, the judges.

Vicki Barbolak: Okay, the judges.

Captain Brien: Who’s your favorite judge?

Vicki Barbolak: It’s gotta be Simon.

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course, he fell in love with you.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m in love with him.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, and his wife is in really good health. I probably don’t have a shot there.

Captain Brien: Dammit.

Vicki Barbolak: But, you know, it doesn’t matter, because it’s like, I believe in like, you gotta be attracted to other men, especially if you’re married or in your relationship. People feel like it’s putting gas in your tank. Because when you’re with your husband or something, you ask them to speak, in my case, in a British accent. And it just brings everything new.

Captain Brien: Right, it’s a whole new.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m all over Lou, I’m attacking him, like.

Captain Brien: It’s a whole new, it’s a new guy.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m putting him in a little black T-shirt. He doesn’t mind.

Captain Brien: No, do you make him sit behind the table and judge you?

Vicki Barbolak: And judge me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: For what I do for that, he’s very happy to do it.

Captain Brien: No buzzer, if he gives you the buzzer, forget about it.

Vicki Barbolak: Not that he hasn’t.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah

Captain Brien: One buzzer, he’s done.

Vicki Barbolak: It makes me jump like a seal.

Captain Brien: So listen, the cutest thing you said about Lou, though, was his Louber. He gave you a Louber ride?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, that is the first thing.

Captain Brien: That’s the cutest thing.

Vicki Barbolak: I couldn’t get an Uber, so I had to call a Louber, and that’s how it started.

Captain Brien: I love that joke. You know why, maybe I like it so much is because, my mom and dad, they’ve been married over 50 years.

Vicki Barbolak: Wow.

Captain Brien: And, they met, as well, at school, but my mom needed a ride home, and she never wanted to date my dad, until one day, my dad, my grandfather told my mom, you need a ride home today, because you have all this stuff to carry. Why don’t you ask that guy that asks you every day? And my dad was in, and that was it.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s so cool.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, so, he got a Santos.

Vicki Barbolak: See, never give up.

Captain Brien: Because his name is Santo.

Vicki Barbolak: Never give up.

Captain Brien: So I gotta come up with a funny ride for him.

Vicki Barbolak: Santo, his name is Santos?

Captain Brien: Yes, Santo.

Vicki Barbolak: Santo, what a cool name.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so he’s Italian.

Vicki Barbolak: I love it, of course he’s Italian.

Captain Brien: That’s my middle name.

Vicki Barbolak: Delicious.

Captain Brien: Brien Santos Spina.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, I love it. I went to Italy, and the guidebooks say, don’t stare back at the Italian men, or they’re consider it like, a sign of encouragement.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: So I was like. I did not shut my eyes for two weeks.

Captain Brien: You were gawking at them all?

Vicki Barbolak: Hey, get over here.

Captain Brien: You know, I didn’t know that, because, honestly, when I was 19, I spent a week in Venice myself. But the women wouldn’t look at me, and I’m thinking, well, it’s because I got dark hair, and I look exactly like all the rest of the Italians.

Vicki Barbolak: They’re trained not to.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: You should have. Vicki Barbolak would’ve been hey.

Captain Brien: I was thinking, if I came here with blond hair, they’d all be looking at me, but no.

Vicki Barbolak: No. It’s the guidebooks. They all know. And I mean like, once I found that out, I was home.

Captain Brien: Now I feel better about myself. Yeah, you’re good for my ego. Because, it’s been a long time, and I was struggling.

Vicki Barbolak: A good looking guy like you, forget it. Now you know.

Captain Brien: Now I know.

Vicki Barbolak: Just head down.

Captain Brien: It’s all it was, it’s a thing they do there. They just don’t stare.

Vicki Barbolak: No, they pinch, oh my God.

Captain Brien: On the cheeks, you like the pinch on the cheeks?

Vicki Barbolak: Of course.

Captain Brien:  Nah, it’s too much.

Vicki Barbolak: On the butt cheek.

Captain Brien: Oh. On the buttocks, yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah, yeah, all the time. I felt like I had a little happy target. It was beautiful.

Captain Brien: It is nice.

Vicki Barbolak:Mm, I love Italy.

Captain Brien: I’ll go with a pinch on the butt, over a pinch on the cheek.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, nobody does that.

Captain Brien: It’s too much, right?

Vicki Barbolak: No, God, no.

Captain Brien: It might mess up my Botox, too.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh, yeah, cack. Botox goes squirtin’ out there like that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s terrible.

Vicki Barbolak: So is there any deals on plastic surgery while I’m here, by any chance?

Captain Brien: I have all the deals on that, yes.

Vicki Barbolak: Can you hook me up with something?

Captain Brien: What are you interested in?

Vicki Barbolak: I need my lips done.

Captain Brien: Oh, I could do that.

Vicki Barbolak: Well, I had my lips done, but you can’t tell, because I’m wearing pants. But, I would like to have my.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well, we do vagina rejuvenation, Dr. Dolla does it.

Vicki Barbolak: Dr. Dollar?

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s on my podcast on Tuesdays.

Vicki Barbolak: The vagina rejuvenation? Yeah, cool.

Captain Brien: And he’ll do Botox, and lips, you could do everything.

Vicki Barbolak: I would never waste money on my vagina.

Captain Brien: Really?

Vicki Barbolak: If the man cannot enjoy himself down there, and I have to spend money on it, then I’m finding a different guy. There’s too many men out there.

Captain Brien: Yeah. And there’s not enough vaginas.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m spending money on this stuff, that I care about.

Captain Brien: That you want to see.

Vicki Barbolak: I want to see. I don’t look down there. I can’t even bend that far.

Captain Brien: It takes a while to check it out, too. It’s a hard angle.

Vicki Barbolak: Who would do that? Ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Yeah. There’s probably not an Instagram, there’s probably not an Instagram good angle on that.

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: I mean, you talk about angles.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m infuriated by that, actually. Ladies, stop doing that.

Captain Brien: You don’t want it?

Vicki Barbolak: No.

Captain Brien: I thought, like, that’s a thing.

Vicki Barbolak: Ridiculous. It’s a dumb thing for men. It’s stupid.

Captain Brien: It’s just for the guys.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s just for them. Enough we give them. We cook and all that shit. We don’t have to do that.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, that’s hysterical.

Vicki Barbolak: I would like my lips blown up.

Captain Brien: I know one question I wanted to ask you. I have all these questions, and I’ve given you no, I haven’t asked any of them. Where’d you get the trailer nasty idea? Like, is that a whole thing you came up with before the show, or was it? Yeah, so it was a whole thing before the show?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. It just came to me. You know, jokes are like little things. Just drop in your head. And that just dropped in my head one day, trailer nasty. I liked the way it sounded.

Captain Brien: It’s nasty. People like it.

Vicki Barbolak: It’s good.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no one wants to be.

Vicki Barbolak: Trailer clean.

Captain Brien: Trailer clean, yeah, exactly. You know what I’m saying? I think it’s a good marketing campaign, it’s worked out well, huh?

Vicki Barbolak: People have fun with it, yep. And we actually copyrighted it, yeah. So, I’m grateful for that.

Captain Brien: So you need to have like a trailer nasty TV show.

Vicki Barbolak: That’s it, that’s what they’re thinking about.

Captain Brien: Is that what they’re gonna do?

Vicki Barbolak: Maybe, yeah. I like it. Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: This light’s pink, I think it’s pink. I’m gonna go for it.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh my gosh.

Captain Brien: You know why? Because it was pink.

Vicki Barbolak: I can have a drink and relax.

Captain Brien: It was right in the timing.

Vicki Barbolak: It was so legal.

Captain Brien: One way or the other.

Vicki Barbolak: There’s no way. I would just not even worry about that. I’m driving around with an open bottle of rum. You wanna run a couple of lights, what the hell?

Captain Brien: What’s the rum got to do with it? A couple lights aren’t gonna hurt anyone.

Vicki Barbolak: No, everything’s good. Running with the Captain in the morning. There’s a crocodile right there, holy shit.

Captain Brien: We’re like regular rum runners.

Vicki Barbolak: He must be 14 feet long.

Captain Brien: We’re like a rum runner.

Vicki Barbolak: We’re rum runners, that’s what I call it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’re bootleggin’ this. We’re like pirates, we’re gonna pillage and plunder.

Vicki Barbolak: I wanna get in my bathing suit.

Captain Brien: We need to go to the store, by the way, and go buy you some lingerie, you said.

Vicki Barbolak: I need, I forgot to bring a, is that a policeman?

Captain Brien: That’s a cop.

Vicki Barbolak: Holy shit.

Captain Brien: Ah, right in the middle.

Vicki Barbolak: Is he watching Facebook Live?

Captain Brien: He probably is.

Vicki Barbolak: Shit.

Captain Brien: We have a lot of fans.

Vicki Barbolak: Crap, I didn’t even think about that. Somebody’s probably calling the cops, saying we’re driving around drinking.

Captain Brien: Always.

Vicki Barbolak: I never really opened this bottle, ossifer.

Captain Brien: No, we’re not, we’re not drinking. We’re not drinking.

Vicki Barbolak: I can get away, I can get out of it.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ll trace my body for this cop stuff.

Captain Brien: Have you used, like, some comedy to get out of tickets in the past?

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s your move?

Vicki Barbolak: I have this one line. I did this one time. I did trace my body one time, that really happened, too. I traced my body with my girlfriend.

Captain Brien: Wait, tell me about tracing your body. What is that?

Vicki Barbolak: Trace your body, if you wanna get noticed, a friend of mine, Lisa, the geisha, I don’t wanna say she’s my best friend, but anyway. So she has this thing to get noticed, you go like this. Trace your body.

Captain Brien: Trace.

Vicki Barbolak: Trace your body, right.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah. So, this cop pulled me over one night, I came right out of the club, he pulled me right over. He’s like I want you to walk the line. I said, okay officer, but first, I have to trace my body. And I got out of it, and then.

Captain Brien: Did you tell him, trace your body, or did you just?

Vicki Barbolak: I did it for him, because he asked me to step out and walk the line, I said, just a minute. And he cracked up. And I had not been drinking, I just literally came out of the club. And then the other time was a speeding thing, and he goes, okay, you’re a comedian. I go, I’m sorry, I’m tired. It was late at night, I was completely sober, and I had been, I was driving fast, and I was exhausted. And I shouldn’t have been driving fast, but, he pulled me over and he goes, okay, well, tell me a joke if you’re really a comedian. And I told him this one classic joke, and he let me off.

Captain Brien: And that was it, that was a good move.

Vicki Barbolak: Do you want to hear the joke?

Captain Brien: Yeah, of course I do.

Vicki Barbolak: Can it have a nasty word in it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, absolutely.

Vicki Barbolak: So, here’s the joke I said. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Captain Brien: How?

Vicki Barbolak: How do you get a nun pregnant?

Captain Brien: I don’t know.

Vicki Barbolak: You fuck her.

Captain Brien: That makes sense.

Vicki Barbolak: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: And he laughed, and he let me off.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s a good move.

Vicki Barbolak: You can have it.

Captain Brien: I’ll take it.

Vicki Barbolak: Everybody out there, too.

Captain Brien: I’ll take it, everyone take that joke.

Vicki Barbolak: You’ll never get a ticket.

Captain Brien: Retweet it, that’s a good retweet.

Vicki Barbolak: There you go.

Captain Brien: Well, thank you so much for spending time with me today. It wasn’t like you had a choice.

Vicki Barbolak: I enjoyed it, I loved it.

Captain Brien: We’re in the car, so you can’t really run away from me.

Vicki Barbolak: Hey, there’s my first trailer park.

Captain Brien: That’s your people.

Vicki Barbolak: My cherry, I popped my first trailer cherry here in Naples, boom boom.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of them, actually, look.

Vicki Barbolak: Look at that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: Oh those are more like, yeah.

Captain Brien: Are those good ones or bad ones?

Vicki Barbolak: Those are star wagons. No, those are nice, I mean, I like the permanently affixed ones.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Vicki Barbolak: I’m not going anywhere once I find a pretty trailer.

Captain Brien: Well, there’s a lot of high end trailer parks.

Vicki Barbolak: You know, I’m gonna spend the afternoon, probably visiting them.

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s some seriously high-end ones.

Vicki Barbolak: Other people go to museums, that’s what I do.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Vicki Barbolak: I drive around trailers.

Captain Brien: There’s a couple.

Vicki Barbolak: Security, though, can be tough.

Captain Brien: There’s some that actually have lots, over half a million, just for the lots.

Vicki Barbolak: I believe it. And sometimes you can’t get in. I mean, the security won’t let me in half the time.

Captain Brien: Yeah, well tell them who you are.

Vicki Barbolak: I’ve done it.

Captain Brien: Tell them you put trailer parks on the map.

Vicki Barbolak: These security guards could care less if I’m on America’s Got Talent, they’re like, I’m sorry ma’am, you’re gonna have to get a realtor to get in here. I’m like, what realtor would believe I can afford this place?

Captain Brien: Well, thank you so much for being on the show. It’s been great.

Vicki Barbolak: See you guys for the show.

Captain Brien: Yeah, go to offthehookcomedy.com, check in. Thank you.

Episode 205 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Joe List and Captain Brien!

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Come join Captain Brien and Joe List on this super funny adventure!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Joe List out and send him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: What’s goin’ on? This is the Captains Log. Comedian Joe List, what’s up buddy?

Joe List: Not too much.

Captain Brien: This is your first appearance.

Joe List: I know, this is terrifying. By the way, this is like a great camera shot. You were pulling back, so like, it’s like the background is changing.

Joe List: Happy to be here. This is exciting.

Captain Brien: Thanks man.

Joe List: I’ve never done anything in a car before, other than sex, yeah.

Captain Brien: This is your first? A lot of sex in the car?

Joe List: Uh, I wouldn’t say a lot, but you know, twice–

Captain Brien: You keep it real.

Joe List: Yeah, my aunt was a spicy lady.

Captain Brien: Oh, not in the marriage though, I bet. That’s probably not car sex material.

Joe List: No, we don’t even have a car,

Joe List: so we’d have to rent a car.

Captain Brien: Or sex.

Joe List: Yeah, I’d have to rent the sex also.

Joe List: Alright, I’m tryin’ to find myself.

Captain Brien: You’re gonna pop up here in a minute so you can share it. We’re live with Joe List, he’s gonna be at Off The Hook, go ahead, he’s probably live now, and it’s gonna be all weekend. Thursday, which is tonight, there’s gonna be a show at seven, and seven to nine all weekend, all the way through Sunday.

Joe List: I can’t wait.

Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a good time, and this is your second time here, but, my goodness, you were a rookie when you came last.

Joe List: Yeah, well, I mean I was a veteran, but it feels, I’ve been doing comedy so long. I started in comedy when I was nine years old. I’m 30 years in here.

Captain Brien: What were you telling, Jack and Jill jokes?

Joe List: Yeah, that was

Joe List: It was Jack and Jill have sex in a car. Yeah, I was here in Summer, maybe May of ’09.

Captain Brien: Yeah

Joe List: I was opening for Nick Di Paolo, and that was when the club was in Marco Island, or on Marco Island, whatever you say.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: And we stayed at like a resort. I dunno if you remember.

Captain Brien: You did.

Joe List: You put us in this crazy resort.

Captain Brien: It was a good deal.

Joe List: It was unbelievable, I mean, for me–

Captain Brien: You should have paid me for that.

Joe List: It was pretty unbelievable.

Joe List: It was like the nicest place. I still have photos somewhere, on Facebook I think.

Captain Brien: They’ve actually redid that resort, and they spend like 100 million dollars to make it even better.

Joe List: Oh wow.

Captain Brien: It’s crazy, I know. Now it’s a JW Marriott. Before it was the Marco Island Marriott, and they say it’s one of the busiest Marriott’s in the world. They stay like, 99% occupied, year round.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And enough about them, ’cause they don’t, they don’t sponsor this show.

Joe List: Yeah

Captain Brien: The hell with them.

Joe List: No, I hope they all die.

Captain Brien: Yeah, right, exactly.

Joe List: I shouldn’t say that. This is going out live. I can’t even edit this.

Captain Brien: We are live. You can’t.

Joe List: Oh geez.

Joe List: I don’t hope anyone dies. I want everyone to be great and fine.

Captain Brien: Did you get to share it?

Joe List: I did, I’m shared.

Captain Brien: You are shared

Joe List: So what does that mean? I don’t even know what that means.

Captain Brien: That means that your people right now, if they’re on there watching, which they will be, and maybe they’re, you know, scrolling through, they can say hi. If you guys are watching, tell us hello, what city you’re in. I’ll even give you tickets to tonight’s show. Can I give ’em some tickets?

Joe List: Yeah, please. This is gonna be depressing though if no one writes,

Joe List: “Hey, I’m a fan of Joe.”

Captain Brien: Hey, stay tuned. You never know, I mean, they could be watching on their phone at work, and they don’t wanna get busted.

Joe List: I hope so, yeah.

Captain Brien: They just sneak peeks. But yeah, I mean like, 180 thousand people a week watch.

Captain Brien: Wow. Between all the shows, I’m on every day.

Joe List: 180 thousand.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s good.

Joe List: Yeah, that’s great.

Captain Brien: It’s been steady, so we’re havin’ fun.

Joe List: I’m happy to be here. I hope I get those kinda numbers.

Captain Brien: You brought your wife.

Joe List: I did, my wife is here. Come on out Sarah.

Captain Brien: No, she’s not here now.

Joe List: No, she’s at home, sleeping. She’s in the hotel sleeping.

Captain Brien: Do you have any kids?

Joe List: She came along. No kids.

Captain Brien: No kids?

Joe List: Sex, no kids. Oh my god.

Captain Brien: Wow, that guy just blew his airhorn.

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Ace is the place, the helpful place, and apparently he’s helping that guy put his car in gear.

Joe List: Yeah, look up from his texts. But yeah, my wife is here. She’s in bed right now, but she’s hilarious. I don’t think she’s ever been here either, to Naples.

Captain Brien: No? This is her first?

Joe List: First time, yeah. We do Key West every year, but this is our first time–

Captain Brien: So, there is a club down in Key West, right?

Joe List: It’s not a club, uh, I guess it’s a club. My friend would be mad if he heard me say that. It’s a bar, show, but they’re kinda makin’ it a club.,

Captain Brien: Yeah, but it’s only been-a goin’ for a couple of years, right?

Joe List: Yeah, a little bit.

Captain Brien: ‘Cause they actually contacted me and I said I wasn’t gonna do it.

Joe List: Oh, really?

Captain Brien: It was too much for me.

Joe List: Yeah, it’s a lot, I mean it’s a strange place, and it’s hard to get to. It’s a weird island, but it’s a fun place. You can walk around naked, they have a–

Captain Brien: Yeah, like the Garden of Eden. Did you go up there?

Joe List: Garden of Eden? I’ve been there a few times. Well last time–

Captain Brien: Did you pull out the whole junk?

Joe List: When I went years ago, in my drinking day, I don’t drink anymore. I’m old and I’m gay now, but uh–

Captain Brien: Do you know Gary da Silva? He’s in Billerica, Mas.

Joe List: I know Gary da Silva!

Captain Brien: What’s up buddy!

Joe List: Gary’s a firefighter. I’ve known Gary for 20 years. More than 20 years.

Captain Brien: Well we’re giving you a little shout out right there. Put out all those good fires and be safe Gary.

Joe List: Yeah, Gary, come down to Naples, right now, immediately. We got a show tonight.

Captain Brien: Yeah, support the show. Buy a ticket, he said.

Joe List: Hope that’s the right Gary though. Be bad if it was–

Captain Brien: Nah, Gary de Silva, it’s your boy.

Joe List: Yeah, that is my boy.

Captain Brien: He loves you.

Joe List: That’s nice. That’s who I get. I don’t get fans, I just get people I grew up with.

Joe List: But anyway, I don’t even know what I was sayin’ now.

Captain Brien:- Me neither. Do you have ADD? ‘Cause I do.

Joe List: Well I think we all do now with the phones. Forget  about it.

Captain Brien: Is it the phone keepin’ you busy?

Joe List: It’s all I do. I just look at the phone and that’s it.

Captain Brien: And you forget it, like what’s goin’ on.

Joe List: A lot of times. I’ve gotten better, but I think I’m better than most. When I’m with people, I’m great. When I’m by myself on the road, I do a lot of looking at the phone. It’s the situation.

Captain Brien: I do too, and when I look at the phone though, sometimes I can’t hear anybody else, just the phone.

Joe List: Oh yeah, totally. You’re immersed.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: Against the whole world. Part of me, some of it’s great. You can learn, like a lot of times I’m not just looking, scrolling through social media, I’m reading shit.

Captain Brien: I do the same thing. I hate reading novels, but I’m definitely learning like, what’s going on in the world or what’s trending.

Joe List: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: What’s trending on Instagram.

Joe List: Yeah, you’re obviously very savvy.

Captain Brien: That’s very important!

Joe List: That’s important stuff. No, I do well, I’ll read. But this is what I do now. Now I’ll watch a movie and like, three minutes in, I’m like, “I’m gonna look up the director. “I’m gonna find out where the director grew up.”, and then I’m like, I can’t even watch the movie. I keep pausing, I’m like, “Let me see “if she’s ever been naked in anything.”

Captain Brien: What about the documentaries? Those kill me, ’cause I’m like, “Now I gotta Google what’s going on “with this guy’s life before it ends.”

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: And I’m the middle, I’m like, “Ah, I already know this guy’s made it “or it’s a bust.”

Joe List: Right. By the way, this guy just wrote in that I was saying I’m old and gay. Now I remember it. We were talking about Key West. About goin’ to Garden of Eden, and I used to get naked there, but now, in sobriety and older age, I don’t get so naked.

Captain Brien: And you can’t bring out your phone at the Garden of Eden, right? They don’t let you.

Joe List: Yeah, not allowed to.

Captain Brien: Right away, they get on top of you for that. It’s frowned upon.

Joe List: When I first went there, I was like so excited, ’cause I was 23 or 24, and I was like, “I’m gonna go see some naked people.” But the people that get naked at Garden of Eden, are 125 years old.

Captain Brien: It’s not the same. It’s not the same caliber.

Joe List: Yeah, not like beautiful women walkin’ around topless. You’re gonna see an old pud.

Captain Brien: Now there is some naked resorts across the world, like in Ibiza and stuff where there’s some very attractive naked people, but the Garden of Eden seems to attract not the finest, not 10’s.

Joe List: Yeah, no.

Captain Brien: There could be some good sevens.

Joe List: It’s not a hot spot. I think maybe you get a visitor or something like that, but I think it’s also, ends up being mostly dudes that think they’re gonna go see a hot woman.

Captain Brien: A bunch of naked chicks.

Joe List: So you’ve got like 11 naked guys and a few people in their pants, goin’ “This sucks.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: I feel like I’m–

Captain Brien: I never did that. I never went to the Garden of Eden, but I know it well, ’cause I’ve been to Key West, and who doesn’t hear about the Garden of Eden?

Joe List: It’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: It is?

Joe List: I spent some time in Key West, and I didn’t, I do now, I go there every year to do the show, but when I was young, my friend Tom Dustin who runs the show, we went down there and had a wild time, and we got robbed by two women in Miami the day before we went.

Captain Brien: Get outta here.

Joe List: We lost all our cash. Yeah, I had a $1,000 in cash taken from me.

Captain Brien: No, a lady robbed you?

Joe List: Yeah, well what happened was, I guess they were kinda like, ladies of the night. I thought I was just killin’ it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you thought you were hookin’ up with these chicks.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. So we were walkin’ around drunk.

Captain Brien: I gotta hear this.

Joe List: And I was the only guy, I’m wearing like, jeans and sneakers, and I’m wearing like, New Balance sneakers walkin’ up South Beach in Miami, which is like, the hippest place on earth.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you looked like an easy target, ’cause they’re like, “These guys are on vacation.”

Joe List: Yeah, I looked like a goof. I had like, you know, wired glasses and jeans from Sears, everything, all Sears, head to toe.

Captain Brien: What year was this?

Joe List: This was ’06.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Joe List: So I was 24, and this woman walked up to me and she was hammerin’. She was like, “Hey baby, you wanna party?” And I was like, “Yeah, yeah, let’s rip it. “I just got here. I’m from Boston. “Lets have some fun.” She was like, “Well where are you stayin’?” I was like, “I’m stayin’ right over here.” And it was two women. They were kinda heavy, but I was, you know–

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t ask for the best on the road. You take what you get.

Joe List: Yeah, I was into it, and they came up to me. I mean they sparked it, so I was like, “Yeah, let’s go to my room.” And then I was like, “I gotta find my buddy Tom.” And they were like, “No, no, he’s with our friend.” So I just thought these three random women just started grabbin’ us, and I find out later

Captain Brien: You thought you were hot shit. Like, I am freakin’ handsome in South Beach.

Joe List: Yeah, so they walked me, I mean again, these were not attractive women, but they were very nice. They were like, they took me by the arm, you know, I was elbow and elbow, I had a girl on each side, which is a dream.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Joe List: Went back to the hotel, and then one of them started, she– We can be dirty on here, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah, to a point, sure.

Joe List: Okay.

Captain Brien: Kinda censor it.

Joe List: I don’t wanna get too crazy but she took her bosoms out.

Captain Brien: Yes, she took out her boobies.

Joe List: Yeah, and she was pressing them on my face and kinda doin’ one of these things, and then the other girl, I was like “Where are you at? What goin’ on here?” And she was kinda touchin’ my genital area over the pants, and I was like “This is amazing, what a wild, “I’m havin’ a threesome in Key West, “I mean in Miami, I just got here an hour ago.”, and then all of a sudden, she was like, “You know what? We’re gonna get outta here.”

Joe List: And I was like, “What? I’m not even naked yet. “What’re you talkin’ about?” And they were like, “We gotta go. “It was great to meet ya’.” And then they just took off, and I was so drunk that I was like, “Boy, that was weird.” I was like, “Maybe I said somethin’.” And then I looked over. I could see the zipper of my bag was open, and I had all cash. I didn’t have an ATM card at the time.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go right to the bag? Were you like, “Yo, I got bags!”

Joe List: No, I think she was just rifling through the bag.

Captain Brien: While the other one was smothering you with the breasts.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: So you were breast smothered. That was like, her Bird Box. She Bird Boxed you.

Joe List: Yes, exactly. Classic move, a breast smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: ‘Cause you can get away with anything if you can smother someone’s face

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Joe List: with a breast.

Captain Brien: No doubt.

Joe List: So, she did that, and then the other one I think had like, one hand, she was kinda touchin’ me so I knew she was there, and then with the other hand was goin’ through my bag, and again, I’m like, extremely inebriated.

Captain Brien: How did they know to go through the bag and not your pockets? They’re good.

Joe List: They might have gone through the pockets also. I dunno.

Captain Brien: It was probably an hour. It was an hour of breast smuggling.

Joe List: They probably were like, “This guy “doesn’t have an ATM card. This guy’s a loser.” I don’t know, but they went through and I just had cash, and my mother, before I left was like, “You shouldn’t carry cash like that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: But I just didn’t have a bank card. I just had cash, so I lost 1,000, and then my friend showed up. Oh, that’s what I forgot to say. So in the middle of it, my buddy Tom showed up, and I was like “Dude, look at this! “This is crazy!” ‘Cause I didn’t realized I’d been robbed yet, and he was like, “I just got robbed.” He’s like, “I lost $500.”

Captain Brien: Get out! They had already hit him up?

Joe List: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So they literally told you, “Oh, my other friend is taking care of your buddy.”

Joe List: Yes, so it turned out he was receiving a style of sex, you know, and they were goin’ through his pockets while doing that, so he at least received like, some more sexual– It was a little more advanced, sexually than I got. I just got a boobie smother.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and you were excited about that.

Joe List: I was thrilled with that. I mean at the time, I wasn’t exactly crushing it, nor am I now, by the way.

Captain Brien: When you’re married.

Joe List: I mean I have a beautiful wife. So anyways, that was that, and then, so it was day one of like a seven day vacation, and we lost 100% of our money. I had to call my mother. My aunt wired us some money.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Joe List: And I had to pay her back.

Captain Brien: That’s like the thing where you get the call and it’s fake, right? “Hey, I’m on vacation, I lost all my money. “Can you wire me money?”

Joe List: Yeah, it seemed like a joke, and like the day before, she was like, “This is a bad idea.”, and I was like, “Yep, we got robbed.” I mean, day one, but the nice thing was, we went down to Key West, and we started telling everyone the story. It’s a great atmosphere down there, and people would buy us drinks and stuff. People were like, “Oh, that’s terrible. “Let me get you a beer.”

Joe List: And we kinda milked it, quite a bit. We got a lot of free booze, and we would just tell the story together, and people loved it. We were a big hit down there.

Captain Brien: I bet.

Joe List: But yeah, it was great, but for years I’m finally doing well enough that I don’t add that $1,000 to my account when I look at my money.

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: For years, every time I looked at my statement I’d be like, “There should be $1,000 more!”

Captain Brien: “Ah, wish I had that grand.” Yeah.

Joe List: But I also gave this great big broody speech, where I was like, “You know what, who gives a shit? “If they need to take our money, “let ’em take our money.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Joe List: “We’re not gonna let this die.” It was like this big like,

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: rah, rah speech.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you felt, you were feelin’ it right from the heart, and the wallet.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly, we had to keep it goin’. We ended up havin’ like, the time of our lives. I got great photos of all of it.

Captain Brien: So, my buddy owns Irish Kevin’s. Did you get to go to Irish Kevin’s?

Joe List: Yeah, I’ve been to Irish Kevin’.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s Irish Kevin, that’s my buddy.

Joe List: No kidding.

Captain Brien: So he’s a good time. That’s how, he’s the one that contacted me and said, “My friend’s opening up a bar and gonna do comedy there. “I want you to book it.”, and then I was like, “I can’t”.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: So that’s how I was like, contacted. Wow, that guy just threw the thing right there.

Joe List: Yeah, I think he just dumped a bottle of urine out the window, which is fine, you know.

Captain Brien: So tell me, you grew up in Boston.

Joe List: Yeah, well Massachusetts, South Shore. I grew up in Whitman, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: Okay, and I grew up in Wakefield.

Joe List: Yeah, which is, I feel like similar towns but flipped.

Captain Brien: Right. The opposites.

Joe List: One’s North, one’s South, which by the way, we call it Massachusetts, I never thought this was weird. We always say South Shore, the South Shore plaza, but it’s not the shore. I grew up like 35 minutes from the beach. Like the South Shore plaza–

Captain Brien: Yeah, we say North Shore.

Joe List: Yeah, as in Braintree, but it’s like, we’re not on the water.

Captain Brien: Right, we’re not on the shore, like shipwrecked.

Joe List: Yeah, people would come visit or whatever and see where I grew up, and they’re like, “So where’s the beach?” and I’m like, “The beach?”

Joe List: And I’m like, “The beach is like, 40 minutes away.”

Captain Brien: So do you have the roast beef sandwiches, like Bill & Bob’s, is that a thing on the South Shore? I know it’s huge on the North Shore.

Joe List: No, well there’s Mike’s Roast Beef was a big place. I moved to Everett for a couple of years for comedy.

Captain Brien: So in Everett, so you had like–

Joe List: There was Kelley’s was not far, and then Mike’s Roast Beef, which is still there. I still go up there.

Captain Brien: It’s delicious, right?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: There’s nothing like that around here.

Joe List: No, it was amazing. I mean someone should come down here and do a roast beef place.

Captain Brien: I did.

Joe List: You made a roast beef place?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did, in 2005. Captain Brian’s Seafood and Roast Beef, and I did the exact thing.

Joe List: And it didn’t–

Captain Brien: It did really well.

Joe List: Oh, okay.

Captain Brien: It turned into Captain Brian’s, then it turned into Off The Hook Comedy Club.

Joe List: Oh wow, okay.

Captain Brien: But that’s how I started, and Bill and Bob, the owner came down, he says, “I heard you’re the Bill and Bob’s “from down south. “I’m gonna see your roast beef.” and he cooked roast beef in my kitchen.

Joe List: No shit.

Captain Brien: And he taught me, like, the secrets.

Joe List: Wow.

Captain Brien: The real friggin’ thing.

Joe List: Oh, I thought I had that million dollar idea by the way, but you already done it.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I did it. I did it, I did a lot. Some worked, some didn’t.

Joe List: That’s the way it goes.

Captain Brien: That’s how you roll.

Joe List: It’s like jokes.

Captain Brien: You gotta test out the waters.

Joe List: Yeah, exactly.

Captain Brien: Randy wants me to say, “I wanna hear a chicken finger.” I like to say chicken fingers. Do you say chicken finger, or chicken finger?

Joe List: Well, I’m hangin’ out with you, so I’ll start soundin’ like that again. Like when I go home to hang out with my family, I’ll start sounding a little more like a Kennedy. To me, when I was drinking, or if I’d get really angry my accent will come out a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents have lived down here for 22 years and so have I, but my accent’s mostly gone I think.

Joe List: Right.

Captain Brien: Or is it bad?

Joe List: I don’t think it’s bad at all.

Joe List: I noticed it a little bit.

Captain Brien: My parents sound like they literally have never left.

Joe List: Right, right.

Captain Brien: I’m like, how do you still talk like that?

Joe List: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Nobody else is doing that.

Joe List: It’s interesting, because it’s just so ingrained. It’s just like how you speak I guess, but it’s weird because when I was a kid, I got made fun of ’cause I would say bathroom, and like everyone made fun of me. They were like, “What are you, an English piece of shit.”, whatever, and then I was like, “Oh, alright.”, so I stopped saying bathroom consciously, and then like, Good Will Hunting came out, and it became like, the coolest thing to sound like that,

Captain Brien: Yeah, Boston.

Joe List: so all of a sudden, like I had this accent and people would make fun of me, and I was like, “Oh god, I guess I’m a nerd. “I sound like I’m British.” So I’d change the way I talk, and then Good Will Hunting came out and all of a sudden like everyone in my class was like, “Joe, you’re wicked crazy.”, and I was like, “You didn’t sounds like that two days ago.”

Captain Brien: Like, wicked, I didn’t realize wicked wasn’t a thing.

Joe List: I didn’t either. It’s amazing how many things you realize, like Patriot’s Day is not a holiday anymore.

Captain Brien: Correct. What is Patriot’s Day?

Joe List: Yeah, I thought, that was mind blowing to me, ’cause I still to go up there every year for Patriot’s Day.

Captain Brien: And Columbus day is like, I think that people don’t get it unless you’re up there. What do you think?

Joe List: Columbus Day?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Joe List: That’s a national holiday, isn’t it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, it seems like it, right? And they wanna tell you about Plymouth Rock.

Joe List: Right, Plymouth Rock they love, and that’s so fascinating, but Columbus didn’t land on Plymouth Rock.

Captain Brien: No, who did?

Joe List: The Pilgrims.

Captain Brien: The Pilgrims. So that’s why we get Patriot’s Day, or no?

Joe List: No, Patriot’s Day is about I think Battle of Bunker Hill?

Captain Brien: Oh! That’s what it–

Joe List: No wait, that’s Bunker Hill Day. Patriot’s Day is, I dunno.

Captain Brien: The Bunker Hill Monument.

Joe List: Some sort of revolution. But that’s not actually on Bunker Hill. That’s actually Breed’s Hill, and Bunker Hill is in like, Somerville.

Captain Brien: This is true. This is true.

Joe List: That’s some fun trivia.

Captain Brien: That is a good little knack that you’ve acquired along the way.

Joe List: Yeah, a little Boston trivia. By the way, are we going somewhere? I feel like you’re just flipping around. I dunno

Captain Brien: I can’t turn in this.

Joe List: what the hell’s going on.

Captain Brien: You can’t turn in there.

Captain Brien: I just drive and drive until the conversation gets dead, and once the conversation dies, I pull in.

Joe List: Every once and a while I look over, I’m like, “Where the hell are we?”

Captain Brien: There’s no turn in. There’s no access to get in here, so you gotta go down, turn, right, left, and pull in.

Joe List: Gotcha. Well Patriot’s Day is a holiday in Boston. I still go every year, ’cause the Red Sox play at 11:05am, and the marathon’s going on. I go every year.

Captain Brien: Which is the best. That’s a huge day in Boston.

Joe List: It’s the best.

Captain Brien: Right?

Joe List: You go to the game, then you spill out. Time to watch all the, you know, the not elite runners.

Captain Brien: I go to Pizzeria Regina, I get some pizza on the way in.

Joe List: Yeah, you can do that.

Captain Brien: I love it.

Joe List: We live it up, I mean, I love it, I go every, this past year the game got rained out, which was frustrating. I was there for the bombing, which was, that’s not a fun thing to bring up on a comedy show.

Captain Brien: No. But it’s very interesting. And then did you see the movie?

Joe List: I did not see the movie.

Captain Brien: You didn’t?

Joe List: No. I saw the real life thing.

Captain Brien: I know.

Joe List: No, I did not see the movie. I should see the movie.

Captain Brien: The movie’s great.

Joe List: I’m sure it was enjoyable.

Captain Brien: It’s really interesting.

Joe List: Yeah. That was a fascinating time.

Captain Brien: Unbelievable. Well anyway, guys, this is the Captain’s Log. Joe List. Go see him at Off The Hook Comedy Club tonight through Sunday, tellin’ the ha-ha’s, all the jokes, you’re gonna love him. You’ve seen him on Netflix, now you’ve seen him on a Captain’s Log. Joe, thanks buddy

Joe List: Thanks for havin’ me.

Captain Brien: Let’s go, we’re goin’ on

Joe List: I appreciate it.

Captain Brien: a radio station now. 103.9, then 96k-Rock. We just finished 105.5 The Beat. We’re out, and the Captain’s Log will be live tomorrow. Two episodes, so I know you’re just so excited. Seeya.

Episode 102: The Captain’s Log with Tom Cotter & Captain Brien ready to bring in the New Year!

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Happy New Year! We started our with lots of laughs from Tom Cotter. Also want to thank everyone for supporting and being part of the Captain’s Log! Set those goals and Let’s kick 2019’s butt!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. 

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Episode 154: Captain’s Log with Host Brien Spina and Guest Comedian Nick Swardson!

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Today’s guest is the hilarious Nick Swardson! Nick has worked with all the best comedians from Adam Sandler to Will Ferrel! Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info. The captain’s log podcast is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!  Watch full video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O_cHi30usk