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S2:E18 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Hank Denson and Captain Brien!

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Captain Brien dives in deep to find out the reason behind Hank’s special show : Pay Teacher’s More Money. Hank talks about Puerto Rican’s and the very delicious Coquito drink. Is it Egg Nogg? Watch to find out.

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qdzy65jzXI&t=7s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian Hank Denson out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HankDensonComedy/
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hankdensoncomedy
  • Twitter: https://twitter.com/HankDenson

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: I’m back on the Captain’s Log! Comedian Hank Denson. What’s going on?

Hank Denson: Brum brum brum!

Captain Brien: Dude, you’re like a rockstar, paying teachers more money all over the country.

Hank Denson: No, I’m not paying them no money. Don’t say that. Don’t say that I’m paying them more money.

Captain Brien: We’re trying to get teachers more money.

Hank Denson: We’re trying to get ’em more money. We’re trying to get ’em more support. There it is, hashtag, there it is, boom.

Captain Brien:That’s your big thing.

Hank Denson: Yeah, it’s Teacher Relief Live, man. I had to change the name of Teacher Relief Live because it was making administrators nervous. I got kicked out a school here in Fort Myers.

Captain Brien: Did you?

Hank Denson: Yeah, last time I was–

Captain Brien: Why? Were you trying to go to school?

Hank Denson: The teachers had invited me and the vice principal said it was okay, but the principal shut it down. Put me out.

Captain Brien: Right out?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I had supplies. I had stuff. I had stuff to give to the teachers.

Captain Brien: Give them freebies?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and they were like, get out of here, peace, buddy. And then they called. The principal called.

Captain Brien: Now you tell me. You didn’t tell me that before I booked you. Now you tell me.

Captain Brien: Now you want to tell me you got kicked out of schools in Fort Myers.

Hank Denson: No, man, they love me here, man. I love the teachers here. They’re amazing. They’re gonna be here tonight. But no, what happened-

Captain Brien: A lot of teachers do, it’s amazing.

Hank Denson: Orange count, orange something. But the teacher’s not there no more, and the principal, hmm.

Captain Brien: What happened?

Hank Denson: It’s, they just, the culture. One thing– the culture of schools are based on how the principal and stuff is. You know, the principal sets the culture. If the principal’s messed up, then the culture’s bad for the school and it’s bad for the students, so.

Captain Brien: Well, I think that the–

Hank Denson: He’s got a light that says live on air!

Captain Brien: It is, it’s live. But the sunlight is so bright right now you can’t tell the sign’s not lit up.

Hank Denson: You should do this at night, though.

Captain Brien: I tried doing it at night, I had to put three different lights in.

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Then it’s the opposite, it’s too dark.

Hank Denson: All right, so look, let me tell you all right here, watching me. Don’t watch me unless you’re sharing it. I need you to tap the screen and share it.

Captain Brien: Say hi.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I don’t need it, tap the screen, let me know you’re here, hit the notifications right there–

Captain Brien: Tell us what town you’re watching from, that’s better, right?

Hank Denson: Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah!

Captain Brien: And then–

Hank Denson: Do you say hi to the people? What’s up, I’m Jason Jones.

Captain Brien: I say hi, sometimes, yeah. Big Mama, with that speech, we’re coming to see you right now.

Hank Denson: Okay, okay.

Captain Brien: 103.9.

Hank Denson: We’re not going, let’s not go there.

Captain Brien: We just pulled out of the Freak Show on I Heart Radio.

Hank Denson: Yes.

Captain Brien: 105.5, the Beat.

Hank Denson: Brum, brum.

Captain Brien: Head over to Beasley and chill with Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.

Hank Denson: So now you have to get a shave, now you make sure you have it nice–

Captain Brien: I have to do everything–

Hank Denson: You get your hair, you got your–

Captain Brien: I need more hair, though.

Hank Denson: You’ve got your product on.

Captain Brien: I need hair like you.

Hank Denson: Yeah. Let me tell you ’bout this hair, bro.

Captain Brien: Give me some of that.

Hank Denson: Dude, you don’t want this.

Captain Brien: It’s nice, though.

Hank Denson: It’ll mess up your tax bracket. Your credit score’ll drop, you don’t need this hair.

Hank Denson: Yo, if y’all not drinking Brien’s liquor, man, y’all need to go get a bottle now, do some day time drinking.

Captain Brien: And I’m excited, because this week the new white rum and the gin got approved, so we are about ten days away from that hitting the shelves. Be great. ‘Cause those all organic, all natural, gluten free, sugar free.

Hank Denson: Yes.

Captain Brien: Except the white rum is not sugar free.

Hank Denson: It’s not?

Captain Brien: But it’s made with organic brown sugar.

Hank Denson: Nobody believes in any of your shit you’re saying.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it is!

Hank Denson: No.

Captain Brien: It is, we’re gonna send out a promo code. It’s not on the label.

Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re lying! You lyin’!

Captain Brien: So we’re in Fort Myers, what are, you’ve been here now three times, right?

Hank Denson: Been four. So, I came two times for the teacher show. Mike Epps, and then I came for the EMS convention.

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so the EMS workers, y’all come out too. The EMS convention.

Captain Brien: Nice.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so. It’s time, man, c’mon, man.

Captain Brien: So what’s the big move, are you gonna talk about your podcast coming up?

Hank Denson: So the podcast coming up is called Sneakers Unplugged. You’ll see all the advertising and marketing for it come out next month during March Madness. We’re pushing that. Teacher Relief Live is working on a Hulu, I ain’t supposed to be saying all this, Hulu and Netflix–

Captain Brien: Talk to the Captain, there’s no one watching this.

Hank Denson: Hulu, Netflix deal. But I’mma share this. Hulu, Netflix deal, I’m excited about it. I have 15 cities, right now I’m at 10 cities. I’m pushing 20 cities, going to do the west coast tour soon. I’m excited.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I’m still on daytime TV on NBC.

Captain Brien: And you had a big hit on freakin’ Facebook.

Hank Denson: Whoa, wait a minute, so all my mi gente Puerto Rican boricua, bum-bum-bum-bum, wepa! We had a–

Captain Brien: What did you just say, just now?

Hank Denson: I just said a bunch of stuff that they say.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no idea.

Hank Denson: Yeah. So, basically what it is, I had a videos, 2.4, five million, almost, it’s five million, about coquita, which is a, base, kind of a Puerto Rican-

Captain Brien: What’s your specialty recipe? Let me hear the recipe?

Hank Denson: Oh, the, what’s in it?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Can’t tell you.

Captain Brien: C’mon.

Hank Denson: Puerto Ricans don’t like for me to tell.

Captain Brien: Dude!

Hank Denson: I tell ’em, they don’t.

They say egg nog, but there’s no egg nog in, there’s no egg in it.

Hank Denson: It’s coconut milk.

Hank Denson: All’s it is is sugar and sugar and more sugar.

Hank Denson: No, there’s no sugar!

Captain Brien:- Dude, it’s condensed milk.

Captain Brien:- Condensed milk.

Captain Brien: Evaporated milk.

Hank Denson: You’re using the leche kind, the leche, the Goya leche kind, it’s not as much sugar. But there’s less sugar than egg nog.

Captain Brien: What, I don’t know.

Hank Denson: There’s less sugar than the egg nog, man, I promise you. There’s less sugar.

Captain Brien: Sugar, egg nog is just all egg, dude.

Hank Denson: Dude, no, I promise. And egg nog, I’m lactose ignorant, so–

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: I drink egg nog and I’m

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s rough, huh?

Hank Denson: Aw, yeah.

Captain Brien: Egg nog’ll tear you up.

Hank Denson: Do you use a Squatty Potty?

Captain Brien: I had one. I had a Squatty Potty, but I never used it. I only used it twice.

Hank Denson: I fell off of mine–

Captain Brien: I just fell into the commercial, I just love the commercial so much, I was like, I’ll take one.

Hank Denson: I fell off of mine.

Captain Brien: You did?

Hank Denson: Yeah!

Captain Brien: You’re not supposed to sit on the Squatty, you’re supposed to sit on the potty!

Hank Denson: You sit on the toilet and then I didn’t have no toilet paper and I had laid my pants down. And I tried to jump off of it.

Captain Brien: And it tipped?

Hank Denson: And I tipped and I fell.

Captain Brien: Oh, my God.

Hank Denson: My wife was like, what are you doing? I’m like–

Captain Brien: Was it before or after the wipe?

Hank Denson: Yo! My wife was helping me wipe. It’s none of y’all’s business.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Hank Denson: Yeah, so–

Captain Brien: You make your coquito, and you make it yourself? You make it yourself?

Hank Denson: Yeah, I make it myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: I’ve been making it for 15 years now.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: So it’s a staple in my family, ’cause my cousins are Puerto Rican and my nephews and stuff like that, their mom–

Captain Brien: You’re not Puerto Rican.

Hank Denson: No, but my family–

Captain Brien: So you get a free pass?

Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re right. Well, I know all the foods, the culture I grew up, see, one thing about being, you’re east coast.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: So one thing about being east coast, you grew up with Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Russians, everything. So you take into the culture.

Captain Brien: They gave you a pass.

Hank Denson: I got a pass, I got a pass, man.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: I got a pass.

Captain Brien: I’m not trying to get one–

Hank Denson: You’re not going to get, no.

Captain Brien: Really?

Hank Denson: Nah, you almost look Puerto Rican, though. Just a little bit darker.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and then you have to get that different fade.

Captain Brien: Sometimes I use the emojis that aren’t the white guy emojis, I use the next color. And then people, either they’re like, okay, or they’re like, damn, dude, that’s too dark. I’m like, I got a tan that day.

Hank Denson: Nah, dude, man, I’m telling you, brown is where it’s at, man.

Captain Brien: Sometimes.

Hank Denson: Brown is it. That’s why the muscle dudes who work out.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: They put tanner on.

Captain Brien: Have you ever seen those tanners? The people that do it?

Hank Denson: Oh they spray you in a chamber, yeah? Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh my God, that’s not even tan, they just literally airbrush you brown.

Hank Denson: It’s actually orange, it’s never really brown. My wife got sprayed for some of it, she was doing a fashion show and she had almost had it on her hands. Like on her palms–

Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, and it stains?

Hank Denson: Yeah, it stains, it looks crazy.

Captain Brien: You gotta do the, you’ve gotta put on this blocker when you do it, like if you get a spray tan, you gotta put on the blocker.

Hank Denson: Oh you have to?

Captain Brien: On the nails, on your hands.

Hank Denson: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Dude, man. Let me ask you something, and I wanted to always ask you this, is why do they call you Captain Brien?

Captain Brien: ‘Cause I’m a US Coast Guard Captain.

Hank Denson: Are you really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I used to have ten boats at Marco Island.

Hank Denson: Shut up, no! No, are you serious?

Captain Brien: Yeah, dude!

Hank Denson: I can Google this information?

Captain Brien: Yes, Satisfaction Guaranteed Fishing Charters. I started the company in 1998 and I sold it in 2012.

Hank Denson: Really?

Captain Brien: Or 2011. Yeah, dude.

Hank Denson: I did not know, like, ’cause everybody’s like, call him Captain Brien, I’m like, I ain’t seen–

Captain Brien: I’m a real Captain, I’m a real US Coast Guard Captain.

Hank Denson: I haven’t seen that one boat. I’m like, all the years–

Captain Brien: Hey, Jen, up in Boston, what’s going on.

Hank Denson: Oh, yeah, Jen Eppolito, hey, are you part of the Eppolito Pizza people?

Captain Brien: No, but that’s my good friend, the Eppolitos.

Hank Denson: ‘Cause they have Eppolito Pizza in Atlanta and it is good as hell.

Captain Brien: I don’t think so. But I, they’re from Boston, but I think–

Hank Denson: They’re from Boston, where they park the car at Harvard, yo.

Captain Brien: They can probably make some good pizza, I’m sure.

Hank Denson: Yeah, yeah. I’m from Springfield.

Captain Brien: Yeah?

Hank Denson: Springfield, Massachusetts.

Captain Brien: I actually didn’t know that. How did I not know?

Hank Denson: ‘Cause you don’t, you don’t really talk to me a much as you talk to me right here.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: Let me let y’all know something about Captain Brien–

Captain Brien: This is the worst–

Hank Denson: Captain Brien has started talking more, he’s been talking to people more and more since he had this thing. Now, before, he would just say, hey, he would take me to get a lobster roll, all right, peace, he don’t even make–

Captain Brien: You got a lobster roll out of me, some guys don’t even.

Hank Denson: ‘Cause you loved it, cause you wanted it.

Captain Brien: You got clam strips, lobster rolls, onion rings.

Hank Denson: I clocked you at–

Captain Brien: Mashed potato whoopie pie.

Hank Denson: Yeah, you did, you did.

Captain Brien: See, dude, don’t be underestimating it.

Hank Denson: Yeah, he did hook me up.

Captain Brien: Playing it off like I didn’t treat him to some nice–

Hank Denson: Now I got–

Captain Brien: Now you’re hooked on that.

Hank Denson: Yeah, now I come down here with my son, I’ve gotta spend a hundred dollars on lobster rolls.

Captain Brien: It is delicious.

Hank Denson: Ahh, it is, man. But I didn’t know you were a real captain.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Hank Denson: I can’t take that, ’cause everybody asked.

Captain Brien: Don’t you read my bio, yes, I’m a real captain, I wrote right on that.

Hank Denson: No, I see you, I just watch you doing your little fake bike rides in the morning. I’m like, he ain’t riding a bike!

Captain Brien: There’s nothing fake about that.

Hank Denson: I was like, why is the background not moving?

Captain Brien: C’mon, now, I do ride it, I ride out on that bike. And you know what? I ride out on the bike, I have a track.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And at track they have this membership thing where you buy it.

Hank Denson: Uh-huh.

Captain Brien: And they put on new tubes and new tires when you need ’em.

Hank Denson: Oh really?

Captain Brien: And they, yeah, you just pay like a one time fee or something.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And so, I brought the thing back three times and all three times they’re like, your tires are ready to get replaced. I’m like, there’s nothing left. When do I get my damn free tires?

Hank Denson: So, it’s free? Oh, so they’re waiting for you to bust a tire.

Captain Brien: Basically you need–

Hank Denson: Or flip off the bike.

Captain Brien: You need threads showing out the tire before they give you new tires on that deal.

Hank Denson: See, that’s–

Captain Brien: They don’t tell you that.

Hank Denson: That’s rich people problems.

Captain Brien: Right?

Hank Denson: What I do is just steal somebody else’s bike.

Captain Brien: You just borrow it?

Hank Denson: I just steal somebody else, I just take somebody else’s bike.

Captain Brien: You ever stole a bike?

Hank Denson: Yeah, twice.

Captain Brien: No!

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: What happened?

Hank Denson: Well, outside the candy shop, there’s a candy stop that we used to grow up around, it’s called Knorr’s in Springfield.

Captain Brien: Like, someone’s bike that you didn’t know?

Hank Denson: Yeah and it was, yeah. And the kid left his bike, I knew his brother. I knew his brother couldn’t beat me up, so what I did was, after we got our candy, me and my brother, my cousin didn’t wanna walk back, so we just took his bike.

Captain Brien: And then what, you left it at his house?

Hank Denson: We left it down the street from his house.

Captain Brien: That’s like a nice steal.

Hank Denson: Yeah, and then the other bike we stole, I shouldn’t even be telling y’all this. All right, so I’mma tell y’all this story.

Captain Brien: It’s already past it.

Hank Denson: Don’t incriminate me but I didn’t steal the bike, it was a motorcycle.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: My cousins in Brooklyn, this is what they used to do. They used to get, they used to steal motorcycles.

Captain Brien: A distributor calling me.

Hank Denson: Why do people call when you’re doing live?

Captain Brien: People do, and they’ll text me, oh, you’re live right now?

Hank Denson: So my cousins–

Captain Brien: I’m like, yeah, no.

Hank Denson: Different parts of the- cousins. Used to steal motorcycles. So what they would do is, and one of my cousins, he got in trouble for it. What they would do was, they would get a helmet and they would go downtown and then they would wait for somebody to come out to get on their motorcycle and they would hit him in the head with a helmet and they would take their motorcycle.

Captain Brien: What? That’s thug stealing. That’s real.

Hank Denson: Yep.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: That’s why I’m such a nice guy now. I don’t–

Captain Brien: You stopped doing that? Or that wasn’t–

Hank Denson: I was just young, I was young, I was like a teenager, I didn’t know no better.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: They used to steal Chinese food from the Chinese food place.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I, I never stole anything.

Hank Denson: You don’t have to.

Captain Brien: No but I just–

Hank Denson: You never had to.

Captain Brien: I didn’t, I just was so worried.

Hank Denson: I know your mom and dad, they look like they’re good providers.

Captain Brien: They’re good, they, yeah.

Hank Denson: My parents were good providers but, I used to get around my cousins, man, they used to just do stuff. Used to make us steal Chinese food, we would order two General Tso’s chicken which was F12s, and they would just tell us, we was like, we’ll go and pick ’em up. And they would put ’em in the–

Captain Brien: And then you–

Hank Denson: They put ’em in the window, waiting for us to pay and my cousin would snatch ’em and run.

Captain Brien: Seriously.

Hank Denson: And I would be like, yo. And I’m just a kid with ’em.

Captain Brien: And you had to go with ’em. Boom. Was it good Chinese food?

Hank Denson: It was excellent, man

Captain Brien: Was it Boston Chinese food or–

Hank Denson: No, New York.

Captain Brien: Ohh.

Hank Denson: So it was real good, no rice and peas, none of that nasty carrots and stuff.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Hank Denson: And then we used to camp, summer camp, the same thing. My cousins didn’t want to stay for the day camp. When you stay for the camp, it was done by the church so they would make you pray and do all this stuff.

Captain Brien: Right.

Hank Denson: Cousins didn’t want to do all that so they were like, yo, we’re gonna go get these sandwiches and we’ll get these cookies and the juice, and we’re gonna run. And my–

Captain Brien: You just planned it out.

Hank Denson: And they would go over there and, I didn’t know that they were going to do this, they would just, get your lunch and run, Henry!

Captain Brien: That’s like chew and screw.

Hank Denson: Thing is I had asthma, and I was a sickly kid then. So I was, I wasn’t fast. And it was, I was always scared somebody’s gonna catch me, and, hey, I’m gonna tell. ‘m a snitch.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re going right out.

Hank Denson: Oh, I’m telling. I’d rather tell than my mother get a hold of me any day.

Captain Brien: Oh my God

Hank Denson: It is so beautiful here–

Captain Brien: It is that, right?

Hank Denson: I just left Cleveland, I love y’all, Cleveland, but y’all need to turn the heat on.

Captain Brien: And what’s a good food in Cleveland?

Hank Denson: Oh, I had Puerto Rican food.

Captain Brien: Puerto Rican food?

Hank Denson: Yeah, I had–

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of Puerto Ricans?

Hank Denson: Yep. In Lorraine, Cleveland is a whole community.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I had a mofongo, I had some rice.

Captain Brien: What’s a mofongo?

Hank Denson: It’s a, it’s kind of like the corn tortilla and it’s fried and then they put the meat inside it–

Captain Brien: So it’s all healthy.

Hank Denson: Oh, no, none of it’s healthy. None of it, but it’s so good. So good, man.

Captain Brien: I ate Cuban food yesterday.

Hank Denson: Cuban sandwiches are good, the bread was the fattening part.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I didn’t have the pork.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: And–

Hank Denson: You had no choice.

Captain Brien: Rice and black beans.

Hank Denson: Cuban, Cuban food is no fish, ever.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: It’s pork

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Yeah, but they had turkey ribs, if you’ve never had turkey ribs.

Captain Brien: I never heard of it.

Hank Denson: Julie, have you had turkey ribs? Turkey ribs in Cleveland are good.

Captain Brien: Hey, Julie! Julie’s from Wakefield, we went to high school.

Hank Denson: Oh, word?

Captain Brien: We went to elementary school. We went to middle school together.

Hank Denson: Did you know how cool he was gonna be?

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Hank Denson: Huh, did you know he was gonna be this guy? Did you know he was gonna be Captain Brien? Liquor Extraordinaire Club owner? Huh?

Captain Brien: Tell me about the turkey ribs?

Hank Denson: So turkey ribs taste like–

Captain Brien: It’s the actual, that’s just something that people don’t eat so then they made something out of it, right?

Hank Denson: I’m thinking that it’s real. I’m thinking that it’s a real thing, it tastes like turkey, but it had like a smoked, good seasoning to it. So I don’t, and they were like, it looked like they were turkey sized.

Captain Brien: What?

Hank Denson: Yeah, they were like…

Captain Brien: And they, and they were what, they had meat on just one side? Like a real rib?

Hank Denson: They had meat on both sides.

Captain Brien: It wasn’t the rib cage of the turkey.

Hank Denson: It was super light, yeah, it was super light.

Captain Brien: It was the rib cage of the turkey?

Hank Denson: Yeah and it was bones, like a rib, it looked like ribs.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Hank Denson: And it was good, man. I was shocked.

Captain Brien: So that was, you know what that is? That’s what they do is when they take the turkey breast off the bone?

Hank Denson: Uh-huh?

Captain Brien: They throw that away. And someone’s like, yeah, we can do something with that.

Hank Denson: Do they really do that?

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s when they cut the breast meat off, you just have the rib left there with a little bit of meat in between. But how much meat did they leave on the rib?

Hank Denson: It’s a good amount.

Captain Brien: So they must have made like, take it like a thinner cut on the breast.

Hank Denson: Yeah, they do, it’s dense. It’s dense, it’s not heavy.

Captain Brien: But you saw multiple rib cages?

Hank Denson: Yeah, and I didn’t feel like, you know, that tryptophan, I didn’t have that feeling.

Captain Brien: Oh.

Hank Denson: So, yeah. And I don’t eat turkey. I’m not like a Thanksgiving turkey dude. We do–

Captain Brien: I don’t really like it either.

Hank Denson: We do crab boiling.

Captain Brien: Like a slice.

Hank Denson: We do crab boils.

Captain Brien: Oh you go right all out and no turkey?

Hank Denson: Yeah, we do a crab boil or a lasagna, we go a whole different direction.

Captain Brien: We do–

Hank Denson: Prime rib.

Captain Brien: We do a whole thing. Like, we’ll do salad, tons of appetizers, we’ll do Italian wedding soup, we’ll do lasagna, manicotti, or ravioli.

Hank Denson: Okay.

Captain Brien: Then we’ll do a ham. And then we do turkey.

Hank Denson: That’s a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot.

Hank Denson: That’s a lot.

Hank Denson: But you guys, it sounds like you guys cook for after Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: No, we just, I don’t eat leftovers. Ever.

Hank Denson: See?

Captain Brien: I eat no leftovers, ever. I won’t even eat pizza.

Hank Denson: This is my–

Captain Brien: If it’s like a slice–

Hank Denson: This is why he never had to steal Chinese food. He’s never had a leftover.

Captain Brien: I didn’t want Bruce Lee coming after me.

Hank Denson: How do you not ever have a leftover? I don’t eat leftovers!

Captain Brien: It’s just a weird thing. Everybody– My son and daughter don’t eat leftovers.

Hank Denson: They don’t eat it?

Captain Brien: No.

Captain Brien: I won’t even go to the pizza shop and order a slice if it looks like it’s been sitting there too long where they have to heat it up.

Hank Denson: Yeah, I won’t do that either.

Captain Brien: Like, I won’t eat cupcakes, sometimes, if they’re there too long–

Hank Denson: You won’t eat ’em?

Captain Brien: I’m like, that’s too long.

Hank Denson: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wanting freshness in your life, man. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Hank Denson: Life has an expiration date and your food should, too

Captain Brien: I agree with that.

Hank Denson: That’s good. Only thing you can do in this life–

Captain Brien: I never take a doggy bag. Do you take doggy bags home?

Hank Denson: Nah.

Captain Brien: No.

Hank Denson: Like if somebody get, if I have something left over, I’ll take it but I usually don’t eat it.

Captain Brien: Really.

Hank Denson: You know what I mean, like, I’ll have it, ’cause I don’t want to like, oh, I’m not eating that. So, I don’t want to be wasteful in front of people, but I’ll take it back to the hotel.

Captain Brien: I was talking to someone–

Hank Denson: And just throw it in the trash.

Captain Brien: Yesterday, no, about four days ago. Where they literally said, that if there’s a bite left, if there’s chicken wings–

Hank Denson: They gotta finish it.

Captain Brien: No, they take it home. Like, literally any part that’s not completely consumed–

Hank Denson: So what do they–

Captain Brien: They’ll take the half a baked potato.

Hank Denson: They must’ve lived a hard life.

Captain Brien: Everything, it’s just–

Hank Denson: That’s parents.

Captain Brien: I don’t, yeah.

Hank Denson: Your parents do that to you. Like, now I realize that I stopped forcing my son to finish all his food. Clean that plate, finish that! ‘Cause he’s actually full. And you’re forcing your kids to be obese.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you don’t have to do that.

Hank Denson: You don’t have to do that, and I cut his portions. My son can eat two Chipotle burritos like it ain’t nothing. Boom.

Captain Brien: But at that age, he can. Like, I could eat two huge Philly cheesesteaks at this place called Super Subs and they were like, two pound subs. And the guy-

Hank Denson: You mean now?

Captain Brien: No, not now. But back then I could. Now if I try to be forceful.

Hank Denson: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but back when I was in college, playing baseball, man I could eat, dude.

Hank Denson: You played college baseball?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I played baseball in college.

Hank Denson: What haven’t you done, man?

Captain Brien: I don’t know, I don’t know.

Hank Denson: Dude, you’re all–

Captain Brien: Look at the lighting, look at my lighting guy just made–

Hank Denson: Dude, the crazy thing about this guy, this is the most I’ve, man, I’mma share this and then I’mma put at the top of the caption, the stuff about Brien that you never knew. I did not know that you played baseball.

Captain Brien: You didn’t know that?

Hank Denson: No, what college?

Captain Brien: Endicott College, I played down in Emory.

Hank Denson: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I played every four years, we played against Emory, a bunch of times, down in–

Hank Denson: Get outta here.

Captain Brien: We used to travel to Atlanta, Georgia, from 1994 to ’98 every March for about ten days.

Hank Denson: Are you serous?

Captain Brien: Yeah, played all through the Oglethorpe, right?

Hank Denson: Really? What position did you play?

Captain Brien: I was a pitcher.

Hank Denson: You pitched?

Captain Brien: I pitched at Endicott, yeah. And then–

Hank Denson: Can I Google this?

Captain Brien: You can Google it of course, absolutely, yeah. No doubt, no doubt. Guys, this is the Captain’s Log, while he’s Googling, I’m going to wrap it up. We’re done. Don’t miss Hank Denson’s Pay Teachers More Money Tour, all around the country, yeah?

Hank Denson: Yeah, all around the country, it’s called–

Captain Brien: At Off the Hook Comedy Club tonight.

Hank Denson: Teacher Relief Live, tonight. Hank Denson, Pay Teachers More Money, why, ’cause kids matter, ’cause teachers matter, too. And we need to take care of ’em. And this dude is awesome, the book is open, I’ve gotta find out.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna have some fun. Be good, guys, thanks

Epsiode 216 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Pat Godwin and Captain Brien!

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Comedian Pat Godwin joins the Captain as he sings us some hilarious tunes about Jimmy Buffet retirement communities and Off The Hook Comedy Club. They also discuss how Pat Godwin got his beginning as a comedian!

Tune into hear these hilarious songs!

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Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8f5UtZeXOlg

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian Pat Godwin out and show him some love at:

  • Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PatGodwin
  • Twitter: https://twitter.com/PatGodwin
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pat_godwin/
  • Website: http://www.patgodwin.com/

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Pat Godwin:  ♪ Off the Hook, ♪ ♪ Brien and his dad are pretty good cooks, at Off The Hook. ♪ ♪ Oh, Off The Hook Comedy Club ♪ ♪ gonna be there all week, til Friday, havin’ fun. ♪ ♪ Naples, Florida come on down, ♪ ♪ fly down, drive over, swim over, Off the Hook. ♪ ♪ It’s off the chain, Off the Hook. ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there’s a lot of fishing going on, ♪ ♪ that’s why it’s called off the hook. ♪ We’re gonna have fun, right?

Captain Brien:  We are gonna have a good time man, we’re live. This is the Captain’s Log, comedian Pat Godwin. First time anyone’s jammed on the guitar on the captain’s log, buddy.

Pat Godwin: Right? It’s fun.

Captain Brien:  It really is, it’s a good time, and I’m gonna just share this now on your page so people see you. And you’re gonna be live. This is the first time you did that!

Pat Godwin: Yeah, that’s pretty cool.

Captain Brien: Thank you.

Pat Godwin: He’s, Brien is teaching me a lot of new things today.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna get you back into the–

Pat Godwin: I’m kind of old school.

Captain Brien: Into the new age, bro. Into the new age, we’re doin’ it. So we’re headin’ out. We just left 105.5 The Beat.

Pat Godwin: That was fun, those guys are great.

Captain Brien: I wanna hear… play me a tune.

Pat Godwin: You wanna hear the Buffet thing?

Captain Brien: Yeah, let’s hear the Buffet thing. We’re in Florida and it’s raining, so bring out the sun.

Pat Godwin: This is a perfect song for Florida, Jimmy Buffet started these retirement homes called Margaritaville, so this thing just kinda writes itself. ♪ Gettin’ a sponge bath, from one of the cute staff, ♪ ♪ all of us covered in lidocaine. ♪ ♪ Plugged in my CPAP, takin’ a long nap ♪ ♪ Brien, check out my leg, there’s a new spider vein. ♪

Captain Brien: We’re jammin’!

Pat Godwin: ♪ Spendin’ my golden years in ♪ ♪ Margaritaville Retirement Home. ♪ ♪ Searchin’ for my lost Epsom salt. ♪ Salt! Salt! Salt! ♪ Some people claim that it’s my memory to blame, ♪ ♪ But I don’t know. ♪ I, where was I? ♪ Fell off my scooter, chasin’ old Cooter ♪ ♪ Broke my hip, now it hurts to the bone. ♪ ♪ But there’s pills in the grinder ♪ ♪ And my nurse, I’ll remind her ♪ ♪ for that numbing concoction that helps me hang on. ♪ ♪ Hydrocodone, spendin’ my golden years in Margaritaville ♪ ♪ Retirement Home, searchin’ for my lost Epsom salts. ♪ Sing it! Salt! [Duo] – Salt, salt!

Pat Godwin: ♪ My family claims that it’s my, ♪ ♪ my family claims that it’s my, ♪ ♪ family claims that it’s my memory to blame, ♪ ♪ But I don’t know, I think I just pooped myself. ♪ Little bit of Margaritaville Retirement Home in the car, this is fun.

Captain Brien: That’s amazing. So, most people like to play the radio, me, I just bring the musicians

Pat Godwin: You hire a guy to come down.

Captain Brien: Yeah, keep em busy.

Pat Godwin: You fly em in the day before Hang out with me, just play music for me.

Captain Brien: I don’t wanna just drive around normally, you know, it’s boring.

Captain Brien: I like to put the whole concert in the car. So, tell me, this is, what, your second or third time we’ve had you down at the club?

Pat Godwin: Second time.

Captain Brien: Second time at the club.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, but we know each other because we worked together when you were involved with the improv up in Louisville.

Captain Brien: Yep, yep.

Pat Godwin: So you and I have known of each other for a while.

Captain Brien: That’s right, that’s right and you do the Bob and Tom show.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, I’m actually a member of the Bob and Tom show now, I got hired in January, so I get health insurance, and–

Captain Brien: I don’t have any health insurance for you, man. Good thing they do.

Pat Godwin: Right right? And we’re heard in like 150 markets, and they used to be down here in the Fort Myers area, and they’re gonna be soon, so maybe the next time I come down, we can really pack it out, so—

Captain Brien: Exciting, exciting.

Pat Godwin: But we’re having a really good time, it’s a great week. Valentine’s day is gonna be a lot of fun, cause I’m a very bitter guy on stage, in a funny way about–

Captain Brien: And you bring the love, though, you’re bringing the love.

Pat Godwin: I do, I love love. I’m very angry that I’m not with my wife anymore. That was a wonderful time. I mean, I am a huge fan of love.

Captain Brien: So–

Pat Godwin: And you too, you’re a huge fan of love.

Captain Brien: And you have some children.

Pat Godwin: I do, I have an eight-year-old, and I adopted my daughter, who’s now eighteen, and you’ve been going through some kind of, You’ve been doing a little bit of–

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I did, I went through the divorce thing.

Pat Godwin: You know what defines the relationship? What was your wedding song? Because you were on the cruise ship.

Captain Brien: God, maybe that’s why I divorced, I can’t even remember.

Pat Godwin: My wedding song was “Highway to Hell” by ACDC.

Captain Brien: Oh, and there you go, so yeah.

Pat Godwin: No, my wedding song was actually Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” Do you remember yours?

Captain Brien: I don’t, I’m legitimately telling you, I cannot remember.

Pat Godwin: I’ll do a piece of my wedding song for you.

Captain Brien:- Okay, let’s hear it.

Pat Godwin: Now, Eric Clapton wrote this song, it’s a beautiful song, melodically. Lyrically, it’s a lie, it starts off fine, should have been changed. Here’s how it should’ve gone. ♪ It’s late in the evening, just wonderin’ ♪ ♪ what clothes to wear, just wonderin’ what clothes to wear ♪ ♪ She puts on her makeup, brushes her long blonde hair. ♪ ♪ And then she asks me, “Do I look alright?” ♪ ♪ And I said, “Hurry up!” ♪

Captain Brien: Yeah, you can’t!

Pat Godwin: ♪ You look fine, we’re supposed to be there at nine. ♪ We’re gonna have the guitar all week on stage, too, so you come by, it’ll be a very interactive show. I talk to you a little bit, don’t be nervous, no harm will come to you. It’s not like a heckle kind of a goofy thing. We have a really good time. We’re a very interactive show, and your club is phenomenal ’cause they’ve got low ceilings, it’s a very warm environment.

Captain Brien: So, when–

Pat Godwin: I’m looking forward to it.

Captain Brien: When she is late,

Pat Godwin: Yes sir?

Captain Brien: aren’t you supposed to say hurry up?

Pat Godwin: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you are, right?

Pat Godwin: Absolutely

Captain Brien: I think that’s normal, I think it’s like, come on, we gotta go!

Pat Godwin: We gotta go, we have places to be.

Captain Brien: You wonder why we’re both…

Pat Godwin:- Does this dress make my butt look big? No, your butt makes your butt look big! Get in the car!

Captain Brien: That’s not the right answer either. I don’t have the right answers.

Pat Godwin: No, that’s not the right answer, obviously. Sittin’ here divorced. I’ve been divorced twice.

Captain Brien: Same.

Pat Godwin: Four years is my record, beating my old record of eight months back in 1996. I wish that was a joke, absolute truth.

Captain Brien: And you’re from where, originally?

Pat Godwin: Philadelphia area.

Captain Brien: Oh, Philly?

Pat Godwin: Yeah, I did music there for 10 years, had a couple albums out, and then the comedian Todd Glass got me involved in my first open mic.

Captain Brien: I know Todd, yeah.

Pat Godwin: My first open mic Todd Glass drug me to the, he didn’t drug me, he got me in the car,

Captain Brien: He dragged you.

Pat Godwin: He dragged me.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: And, boom, it opened up all these doors.

Captain Brien: And how did you know that you wanted to be a comic at the time?

Pat Godwin: You know, even when I was a kid, I always wanted to be a comic. I just thought, I was just too afraid of it. So I started to play music, and that really took off, and I had a couple albums out, like I’d said, but I really wanted to be a comedian. I was funny offstage, but man, being funny on stage is a whole different animal.

Captain Brien: Right, and the guitar helps you.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely helps me.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: ‘Cause that’s how I express myself. I’d be lost without it. I’m able to talk with it better, I’m comfortable, I’m actually a really shy guy without it, and I can talk, I don’t mumble, but I’m extraordinarily shy. When I put this on, everything changes.

Captain Brien: I noticed that, and a lot of comedians have kind of something that turns it on the whole time.

Pat Godwin: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Sometimes when the guys are funny nonstop–

Pat Godwin: That’s the ones you have to worry about.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I was gonna say, it gets a little off sometimes.

Pat Godwin: It’s really annoying.

Captain Brien:- Yeah. But I still enjoy it, I do really enjoy it. I appreciate you taking the ride with me, it wasn’t like you had a choice. We’re going to radio now on 103.9

Pat Godwin: I was in the trunk earlier.

Captain Brien: We’re headin’ to 103.9, Big Mama, we just left 105.5 The Beat with the Freakshow, we’re gonna see Jeff Zito on 96K-Rock.

Pat Godwin: Oh, cool.

Captain Brien: And then tomorrow, may hit gater country in the morning.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: So that’ll be exciting. But if you are really wantin’ to get out and laugh and you don’t have any plans for Valentine’s Day, Pat’s show is phenomenal. I think I saw you probably three shows in a row on Carnival. Was I on the Allure, was that?

Pat Godwin: You were on the Oasis of the Allure.

Captain Brien: The Oasis. I saw you and my family’s like, “Why have we not brought Pat back?” And I said, “You know what? We need to bring him back.” And that was like, inspired

Pat Godwin: You saw like three shows in a row?

Captain Brien: I think I saw like three shows.

Pat Godwin: Oh, wow.

Captain Brien: Because the kids wanted to go see the shows, and they kept wanting

Pat Godwin: It was so fun.

Captain Brien: To go see, and it was a great, I mean the way you were able to interact with the crowd for all ages was phenomenal.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, that’s a tricky thing to do. You have to be, and that took having children to learn that kind of rapport. I know what makes my son laugh, and also you have to be very clean in that environment.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: So, and my son goes either way. But yeah, I learned how to do it by having children. So, I’m very lucky.

Captain Brien: Well we appreciated the show, and then that’s what sparked me to bring you back, ‘Cause I was like, “We need to have Pat. He’s funny as hell, why have I not had him on the show in a while?”

Pat Godwin: Yeah, my crowd work is very natural and organic, there’s nothing really planned about it. I just have been doing it long enough where I really enjoy it. And when an audience can bring the show to a different level, where they know it’s coming right out of your butt, it’s coming right off the top of your head, they just explode with laughter. It’s my favorite laughter, is the spontaneous laughter.

Captain Brien: Well I’m gonna put you on the spot again. Do you have another song you wanna play? I’m enjoying it.

Pat Godwin: Sure, what should we do? I’m just trying to think

Captain Brien: Make it happen, baby.

Pat Godwin: Bring it. Trying to think if I should go racy.

Captain Brien: Oh, you can go, this is live, you can do whatever you want.

Pat Godwin: Oh, okay. We’re gonna go a little racy. This is called “My Old-Timey Guy.” ♪ Way back when I was 22 ♪ ♪ everybody had hair down there. ♪ ♪ The girls in Playboy Magazine all had pubic hair. ♪ ♪ I liked to take a lady to lunch ♪ ♪ if there’s a little carpet to munch ♪ ♪ But nobody has pubes, anymore! ♪ Is that too far?

Captain Brien: No that’s good, that’s great.

Pat Godwin: Second verse, here we go.

Captain Brien: Shave ’em off. Get rid of them.

Pat Godwin: ♪ Went down to my local gym and all the guys ♪ ♪ there are hair free. ♪ ♪ I’m feeling self-conscious ♪ ♪ ’cause, Brien, downstairs, I’m Duck Dynasty. ♪ ♪ Shaved my pubes, had a heart attack, ♪ ♪ looks like a baby carrot playing hacky sack, ♪ ♪ aw, nobody has pubes anymore. ♪ Boom.

Captain Brien: Get rid of the pubes, done.

Pat Godwin: Get rid of ’em.

Captain Brien: It makes you look bigger, it’s good. It’s impressive. I have a doctor on the show every Tuesday, and he says, clean it, shave it up.

Pat Godwin: Shave it up.

Captain Brien: Yeah, make it look clean, yeah.

Pat Godwin: And I agree with him.

Captain Brien: I never got that memo, my brother said the same thing to me. “You’re single now, you need to do a little bit of trimming where”–

Pat Godwin: Yeah, a little manscape.

Captain Brien: A little manscape.

Captain Brien: Clean it up, clean it up. Go down, clean it up. Oh, “hey Paul, what’s goin’ on?”, Allen, what’s happenin’? We’re in Naples, Florida And I got comedian, Pat Godwin.

Pat Godwin: Hey, everybody.

Captain Brien: Okay, so, um, let’s do a giveaway, guys? 10 people, right now, if you want to go see the show tonight. It’s a 7:00 show. Pat Godwin. Use the promo code at OffTheHookComedy.com PG2019, Pat Godwin, PG2019, go on the website, OffTheHookComedy.com. I’m gonna give you 10 free tickets right now. The first 10 people that do it are winners. How can you say, how can you say no to that?

Pat Godwin: You can’t.

Captain Brien: You can’t, the guy’s gonna make you laugh, it’s free.

Pat Godwin: Absolutely.

Captain Brien: Here in Naples.

Pat Godwin: The whole time I’m on stage, I have a great time.

Captain Brien: You really do.

Pat Godwin: I really love what I do.

Captain Brien: You traveled all night, how’d that go last night?

Pat Godwin: It did not go well.

Pat Godwin: I fought with the ex on the way down texting, we have an issue back home.

Captain Brien: Oh, I want to do a show, The text-es from my exes.

Pat Godwin: Oh, you know?

Captain Brien: I think we should.

Pat Godwin: My ex, if I could just take a little bit of time here, she is younger than I am so she encouraged me to do what’s called the kids do the sex thing, you know?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: And I was very uncomfortable with it. And if you have an iPhone it’s very easy to text the wrong person.

Captain Brien: Right.

Pat Godwin: The first time I try it, I accidentally sent the text, “I love the way your nipples taste,” To my mom, and my mom texted back, “You have a great memory.” That’s in the show.

Captain Brien: I love that, I love that.

Pat Godwin: That’s from the act, that’s from the act.

Captain Brien: You had me though, on that.

Pat Godwin: Did I have you?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I was going along with it. That’s great.

Pat Godwin: The dude is doing his act in the car.

Captain Brien: No, that’s exciting, that’s exciting. We bring out the best in people in the Captain’s Log. It’s 13 years running now. So this is 13 years to get through Season One. And Season Two has gone off strong-

Pat Godwin: You know, I’m a big fan of your actual the Facebook live stuff. You don’t just do comedians, you’re like, you’re doing everything.

Captain Brien: I try to do everything, I try to trick people.

Pat Godwin: It’s very, very, very cool.

Captain Brien: Because then they get to watch me all the time.

Pat Godwin: I have to say that you are the best one at it.

Captain Brien: Oh, really, you like it?

Pat Godwin: Absolutely, I love it.

Captain Brien: Aw, thanks, man.

Pat Godwin: I’m not just saying that.

Captain Brien: This guy really is funny and lovable. How can you not like him?

Pat Godwin: It’d be nice if he was on time.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s late as shit, but you know what?

Pat Godwin: I had to wake his ass up at the hotel.

Captain Brien: We still love him.

Pat Godwin: I got in at 2:30 last night, everybody.

Captain Brien: It was the rain, they say the rain is very mellowing, right? It makes us sleep.

Pat Godwin: I walked into that beautiful Hampton Inn and I laid on my back, and boom, the phone rang. Brien’s down here, you idiot.

Captain Brien: Is that what it felt like?

Pat Godwin: I swear to god I laid, I don’t sleep well at all. Last night, boom.

Captain Brien: Out.

Pat Godwin: Out like a light.

Captain Brien: It was, and when I woke up, and I had no clue it was down pouring.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien: And then I walked out the house this morning. It was pitch black.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien: Because you know, I was early, I was on time.

Captain Brien:- So, I left the house, it was pitch black, and I had to go back in and look for an umbrella of which I didn’t have.

Pat Godwin: Right.

Captain Brien:- Even though I have like 20 of them somewhere, then I just made a run for it. I just said, to hell with it, I’m going.

Pat Godwin: And now we’re looking like we’re clearing up here in a little bit.

Captain Brien: Yeah, I think so. I think it’s gonna be nice.

Pat Godwin: It’s overcast but it looks nice.

Captain Brien: It’s really warm actually for a–

Pat Godwin: You can’t complain in Florida. I left, it was -5 in Indianapolis, so.

Captain Brien: Was it really?

Pat Godwin: You guys have–

Captain Brien: No, it was -5?

Pat Godwin: Yep, when I left, yeah, it’s horrible.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Pat Godwin: And really windy, too, really windy.

Captain Brien: And what did you have like, for clothing on?

Pat Godwin: Oh, I had like my–

Captain Brien: I don’t even have clothing for that stuff.

Pat Godwin: I got to Florida in my big winter jacket. So, I was sweating my butt off when I first got here.

Captain Brien: And then you get here and you’re like, whoo. Yesterday, it was like 84 degrees.

Pat Godwin: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Pat Godwin: Jesus.

Captain Brien: Really nice.

Pat Godwin: I was in North Carolina where it was 80 degrees. They broke a record, and the following day, it was 17.

Captain Brien: Wow.

Pat Godwin: When I left on last Sunday, yeah.

Captain Brien: This week?

Pat Godwin: This, last week, yeah.

Captain Brien: And everybody’s sick now.

Pat Godwin: Everybody’s sick now.

Captain Brien: That’s just–

Pat Godwin: Everybody I work with is sick. They’ve got pink eye, they’ve all got pneumonia, not me.

Captain Brien: And you’re on the show how often on Bob and Tom?

Pat Godwin: Two, three days a week, for the whole time. 6:00 to 10:00, yeah.

Captain Brien: And then you–

Pat Godwin: I have an office there, I write songs that we use on the show all the time when I’m not there. I travel with like a mini recording studio. I’m really, and they were down here in your area in Naples for the longest time and doing very well. And they’re gonna be back. It’s a wonderful show. You can still see it on the App.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no, they do good, I’m a fan.

Pat Godwin: Yeah they do it, I know you are, yeah.

Captain Brien: Always a fan, I love it, I love it.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, the App that they have, The Bob and Tom App is incredible. You should download it.

Captain Brien: Really?

Pat Godwin: Yeah, it’s really good, yeah.

Captain Brien: And it’s just, that’s where you can hear the show live all the time?

Pat Godwin: Hear the show live, and then hear the repeat in the afternoon and then hear the greatest hits.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s cool.

Pat Godwin: 24/7, yes.

Captain Brien: So, they don’t do like an iHeart radio. They do their own.

Pat Godwin: They do their own.

Captain Brien: Why, you should get your own.

Pat Godwin: Do you have your own?

Captain Brien: No, I used to. But you know what the problem with it, is that I was too busy promoting everything.

Pat Godwin: Oh, right.

Captain Brien: It was like, okay, go to my app. Go to my Twitter, follow me on Instagram. Watch my Facebook, and I was like, I think if I get rid of one of them, it’s gonna be a little easier.

Pat Godwin: True.

Captain Brien: So, I kind of let the app fall off and then I just stopped promoting it and doing everything with it. Because it was, it’s easier just to send them to a few places, like between the website and all that.

Pat Godwin: Yeah, you’ve got a lot going on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, you have to just focus on a few things, because otherwise the people are like, “I’m not going everywhere. Like, I’ve got enough, you know?”

Pat Godwin: Right, right, right.

Captain Brien: So that’s what happens, but thank you for watching anyways guys. We do appreciate it. Give us a like or share or whatever but you can’t miss Pat Godwin at Off the Hook Comedy Club all week. We’re gonna, check out or YouTube, too because we’ve post some other videos of Pat live at the radio stations and of course some show clips, some behind the scene stuff. But it’s been a good time. Pat, thanks buddy, we’re gonna, we’re gonna–

Pat Godwin: We’re gonna have a good time.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do this all weekend, but Happy Valentine’s Day to everybody. And don’t forget–

Pat Godwin: For those of you who have dates, I don’t have a date. Come on by if you wanna date me.

Captain Brien: Yeah, Pat needs a date guys, so don’t stand him up.

Pat Godwin: You’ve gotta come by.

Captain Brien: He’s gonna be really upset if he’s lonely on Valentine’s Day.

Captain Brien: So, don’t do that to him. but anyway, use the promo code PG2019, free tickets, 10 people. After that I’m done, I’m not giving away ticket anymore, stop texting me and calling me.

Pat Godwin: He’s tryna make money.

Captain Brien: Yeah, everybody’s gotta eat tonight. My family’s gotta eat.

Pat Godwin: He’s got kids, he’s got two kids.

Captain Brien: We out, we out.

Episode 214 The Captain’s Log with Comedian ISMO and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Live, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Finnish Comedian Ismo joins Captain Brien to discuss his famous “ass” skit from Conan, his journey to becoming a comedian in America, and ISMO and Captain Brien have a competition on who can use more words with “ass” in them! You won’t want to miss this!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2y8Ze-P1SE&t=24s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Comedian ISMO out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: Hey guys, welcome back. It’s the captain’s log and my guest today is ISMO, the world’s most famous Finnish comedian.

ISMO:  Oh yeah, I am.

Captain Brien: Yeah and Finnish is like, what happened to my voice? It’s already finished. So Finnish is like something that I’ve never said before. I’ve never said, oh, he’s a, he’s, what did I say? He’s a Finnish.

ISMO: Finnish or a Fin

Captain Brien: A Fin.

ISMO: Or from Finland.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah. You’re the first person that I’ve hung out with from Finland.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Well, I mean, it’s exciting.

ISMO: Well glad to be the first.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO:- Yeah.

Captain Brien: So there’s 5 million people that live in Finland you told me?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And how on the famous scale how famous are you, the top five?

ISMO: Well, hard to say. Like there’s lots of like sports stars and everything but like yeah. In Finland, yeah it’s pretty, yeah.

Captain Brien: Your superstar?

ISMO: Well yeah I guess.

Captain Brien: You’re like an A-Lister in Finland?

ISMO: I would guess that.

Captain Brien: And you’re working your way up in the United States now?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: I mean you got a video that’s almost 70 million from Conan O’Brien that was amazing. What was that like life changing, the first time you woke up and saw that it hit like 20 million?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah, it’s so yeah, it’s been, uh, I was like, what do I do? Like a year ago when I did Conan it started, the post and the views really started to go up, I was like, okay, it’s now 20 million now it’s 25. What do I do?

Captain Brien: When did your phone start ringing? Like when people started like saying they wanted to book you or they they wanted to have an interview or when did that happen?

ISMO: Yeah, right away like yeah, it’s really changed a lot.

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah I did touring in the US before that but then it really, really, really took off after that so.

Captain Brien: And and in Finland, you had already had videos out or?

ISMO: Yeah, like yeah, in Finland, I’ve been doing comedy for like, 16 17 years.

ISMO: Yeah. So I’ve done lots of TV and of course, lots of YouTube videos and whatever and things and lots of tours.

Captain Brien: Who booked the gig on Conan?

ISMO: Well, the guy who books Conan

Captain Brien: No but you made the phone call originally?

ISMO: Well, I have a manager here and so.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah, I did. Actually, I did Just for Laughs Festival 2017.

Captain Brien: Oh, okay, I missed that one that’s why I didn’t see you then.

ISMO: Oh, yeah, so yeah, that I think that was the link. Like I did really well there and then the booker for Conan heard about that and then we started from there.

Captain Brien: That’s what happened. So when you got to the US, you were performing at, you said the Laugh Factory?

ISMO: Yeah, that’s where I started in LA like, yeah.

Captain Brien:: And how did they get you on stage first?

ISMO: Actually, they had a competition 2014, they had a competition called “The Funniest Person in the World”

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: So I thought that’s a good name for a contest. So there were lots of comics from different countries and I had never done a gig in America before that.

Captain Brien: So you flew in for the competition?

ISMO: Yeah and I won it all.

Captain Brien: How did you find out about it?

ISMO: Well they searched for comedians all around the world.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: They like okay we’re gonna have this contest so they searched and they looked for like every country and they found me and I like first you participated like with an online video and stuff but then when you go to the finals then okay then just like hey you have to fly to LA now and I was like oh okay I have to cancel them shows in Finland, move them around.

Captain Brien: And they didn’t pay you to fly in?

ISMO: Well yeah I think they paid like yeah they gave like a travel buyout or something.

Captain Brien: Okay, because they were selling tickets to the show probably, right?

ISMO: Yeah sure so but yeah so but that’s really I did my first ever gig in America in the contest and I won it and then I’m like less than a year later I moved here so.

Captain Brien: Wow, that’s so exciting. And you brought your wife?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: How did she decide that it was going to be okay that you guys are going to move because she saw that your career was going to be the one that was going to take you here?

ISMO: Yeah she was like all for it so that she’s been super supportive so all the way all the time and like even like we didn’t even decide it was kind of obvious when they was like okay we’re gonna move to America now, I’m literally just like how do we arrange everything so it yeah it wasn’t, there was no debate like we weren’t even thinking like, well because it was like kind of this, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life if you don’t do it.

Captain Brien: Correct, correct.

ISMO: It was kinda obvious to do it.

Captain Brien: What’s the weather like in Finland? I don’t even know, it’s cold right?

ISMO: It’s really north so yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s cold as hell.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s what I thought.

ISMO: Yeah like it’s really nice in the summer but like the winter is long and cold and dark so yeah.

Captain Brien: And you get a lot of rain or is it all snow?

ISMO: Well yeah, rain in the fall but then December to like April it’s pretty snowy.

Captain Brien: Is there good skiing?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah lots of skiing.

Captain Brien: Are you a good skier?

ISMO: I would say like I used to do it a lot and I used to snowboard a lot that was years ago.

Captain Brien: You have the look, the whole look with the hair, you look like a snowboarder. Captain Brien: Yeah, so that’s a good style.

ISMO: But I have to start surfing now because I’m in LA.

Captain Brien: You need to now how to surf bro.

ISMO: I’ve only surfed once.

Captain Brien: You gotta hang 10, right. Yeah hang loose.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I promise I will start it soon. I’ve been putting it off.

Captain Brien: You probably don’t tan very, well you tan a little bit it looks like.

ISMO: I guess.

Captain Brien: Yeah your skin is not super light, it looks like you got a little surf style tan.

ISMO: oh yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s sexy.

ISMO: Yeah I know I been here in Florida so I’m definitely gonna at least go to the beach. I don’t think I’m going to surf.

Captain Brien: They said your video about, the ass is the toughest word in English is hilarious which it is hilarious but I understand you have one about shit now.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s better you think?

ISMO: Well, yeah that shit thing yeah it’s like a newer bit and I really love it. I put some of it online but it’s like 10 minutes, 10 minutes of shit stuff so.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot of shit.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah a whole lot of.

ISMO: A shit load of shit.

Captain Brien: A ton of it.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: A crap pile.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Give me a couple words, ways to use the word ass and let me see if I can come up with a couple. Let’s play see how many we can come up with in a row.

ISMO: Okay, well, hard ass.

Captain Brien: Dumb ass.

ISMO: Smart ass.

Captain Brien: Oh, God I am terrible.

ISMO: Oh there are so many.

Captain Brien: You got me on the ass. No come on I gotta be better than that. Uh.

ISMO: Ass tone.

Captain Brien: Jackass.

ISMO: Jackass, yeah.

Captain Brien: Does that work?

ISMO: Yeah jackass that’s great.

Captain Brien: That’s jack who’s an ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Well half ass.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could say, move your ass, that’s one of yours?

ISMO: Yeah, move your ass or my ass.

Captain Brien: Ah yeah like a half a ass.

ISMO: Oh yeah half ass is like not concentrating just halfing it but my ass is no.

Captain Brien: Yeah just no way.

ISMO: Yeah my ass.

Captain Brien: Right, like you say your car is fast my ass.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I love that. So there’s nothing in like in Finnish that’s similar?

ISMO: Well there we have words we have and I actually I did this joke about the Finnish word that means like everything but it’s very different than

Captain Brien: What’s that word?

ISMO: It’s well it’s like two words. It’s and that means like everything but it’s different like you don’t use it as like ass. You add it to stuff like ass but it’s just by itself it can mean like let’s go or look what you have done or I can’t wait to be like it can be anything so. But it’s a weird word it’s completely untranslatable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, so then nobody, do they use it as a joke in the same context or no?

ISMO: Well I made a joke about it but like so yeah but then after that people are like, okay we use that word a lot, yeah.

Captain Brien: While we’re talking let’s get everyone to tell us where you guys are tuning in from? If you’re in Finland, let us know. Do they have Facebook in Finland?

ISMO: Of course.

Captain Brien: They do right? So wherever you guys are we’re in Naples, Florida right now and we’re heading to 103.9 where Big Mom and the Wild Bunch and 96 k rock we just left 1055 the beat and you have six huge shows at Off the Hook comedy club.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: This week, which is amazing.

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: And when I first discovered you, I think it was the Conan clip but that’s why I was like, alright, I want to get this dude and then it just like started going crazy, like the clip is 70 million and counting that’s amazing.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: It’s shocking to me. So is there another clip out there? The shit clip is pretty popular too, yeah?

ISMO: Yeah, I put out the shit clip like last year and yeah and that’s only a part of the shit bit. So when I do it live it’s way longer. And yeah have to find some more words to do that.

Captain Brien: Yeah you got to do something like, balls.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I don’t know like my balls, balls deep.

ISMO: Well actually I have a joke about balls, it’s yeah but that’s different. It’s not like kind of like.

Captain Brien: Yeah you can’t use as many.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I just came off that off top my head. yeah but that is actually weird that like having balls is the metaphor for being courage.

ISMO:  Like being tough.

Captain Brien: Brave.

Captain Brien: You got big balls.

ISMO: Yeah. And it’s kind of unfair.

Captain Brien: He’s got no nuts.

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s so unfair saying for women.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, what are they going to do?

ISMO: Yeah, it’s like that was invented by men so I think we should change that.

Captain Brien: I agree, I think they should have some balls, they should get a pair.

ISMO: Well, I always just change the idiom.

Captain Brien: Hey who wants to go see the show this weekend? I’ll give away two tickets tonight and two tickets tomorrow to the next two people that say, that live within 30 40 miles probably because you might not go any further than that. I mean, he is funny, but you’re probably not going to drive more than 50. They gonna drive more than 50 miles to see you?

ISMO: 51, I say 51.

Captain Brien: Your jokes are about 51 mile funny you know, so I agree, I agree Because otherwise you know, you’re gonna be in a small area. You gotta broaden the horizon.

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: So what are you looking forward to doing this weekend? You’re traveling alone right?

ISMO: Yeah, yeah.

Captain Brien: So are you gonna get to the beach?

ISMO: Yeah, definitely, I’m planning to do that one of these days.

Captain Brien: Yeah, because it’s Florida, it’s hot.

ISMO: It’s all about the beach here.

Captain Brien: It really is. And when you’re in town, what’s your favorite food? I’m a good food guy, I’m a foodie. I can tell you where to go. What do you like? I don’t know anything about Finnish food. What is Finnish food? What’s your main dish?

ISMO: Well one thing that’s really popular in Finland is reindeer.

Captain Brien: Reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah, reindeer, yeah.

Captain Brien: That’s probably not gonna go over too big. Bambi is not going to be the dish of the weekend.

ISMO: Or Rudolph.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Captain Brien:: Oh yeah, yeah Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah, Bambi is a deer.

Captain Brien: That’s right.

ISMO: I eat that too.

Captain Brien: We need to get the right deer.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Yeah. No one’s gonna eat Rudolph.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They eat reindeer?

ISMO: Yeah it’s really popular. You can have pizza with reindeer.

Captain Brien: Pizza?

ISMO: Or everything, it’s reindeer anything.

Captain Brien: Do they do they shave it or they make sausage out of it because they make sausage right?

ISMO: Well that’s of course many like different ways to have it but most common is like, like kind of these small bites of like smoked reindeer

Captain Brien: Really?

ISMO: and you just sprinkle it on like, you can make whatever.

Captain Brien: And it’s like so it’s like bacon bits?

ISMO: Kind of yeah.

Captain Brien: And they’re just very popular? Everybody has their own flavors or what?

ISMO: Well yeah, we like the more North you go the more reindeer I eat because they all like, the reindeer live in the North so that’s kind of if you’re south in Finland you can get it but it’s not that popular but in the North that’s like the main thing.

Captain Brien: Because we love reindeer here, we care for them and then you guys are just shooting them down and eating them?

ISMO: Well they’re actually like farmed. They’re like domesticated.

Captain Brien: Okay.

ISMO: But they still kind of roam free but it’s kind of like, yeah, I’m not an expert on reindeer farming.

Captain Brien: Why not? Come on ISMO I need some reindeer advice here.

ISMO: oh yeah, yeah you have to like ear mark them and then the let them roam free and then you gather them once a year.

Captain Brien: And then eat them?

ISMO: A few of them or something.

Captain Brien: You just kinda call down the heard?

ISMO: And on the road, you have to always in Finland, you have to watch out for reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

ISMO: Yeah there’s lots of reindeer.

Captain Brien: Are they huge?

ISMO: No they’re smaller so like there mooses also, if you hit a moose that’s it.

Captain Brien: Is hunting big in Finland?

ISMO: I think it is, I think it’s kinda big.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And do they shoot reindeer?

ISMO: Well, no because reindeers are owned by somebody so you can’t shoot anybodies reindeer.

Captain Brien: Oh reindeers are like domesticated.

ISMO: Yeah they are domesticated but they roam free with the ear mark.

Captain Brien: Gotcha, gotcha.

ISMO: So that’s kinda the thing. But mooses are not so yeah people will shoot mooses.

Captain Brien: Huge ones.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And so they must have moose meat? Yeah, yeah there’s moose meat you can eat.

ISMO: sometimes you can eat bear.

Captain Brien: If I was gonna go to Finland, what would be the dish that I have to try.

ISMO: Well, reindeer definitely with mashed potatoes and lingonberries.

Captain Brien: Is it a gravy on top or no?

ISMO: Normally no just like butter on lingonberries. It’s like a berry that’s really.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, I know they make that jam, right?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: They make a lingonberry jam?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Right?

ISMO: So that is kind of yeah, it’s really like, what’s the word, it’s like a berry that’s like makes you go like, uh. I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: It’s uh, it’s tart? Is it tart, it’s kind of tart aren’t they?

ISMO: Yeah like like hmm, I don’t know the word.

Captain Brien: Yeah somebody said tart and I think they are, I think they’re tart. They’re sweet and tart though?

ISMO: Yeah, but normally you add sugar to them a little bit but they’re not sweet, they’re really like, uh.

Captain Brien: So they’re sour, have a sour taste? And they put that on top of the meat?

ISMO: Yeah, we use lingonberries for everything. Like the jam you can use it for always when you eat. Like if you eat liver or if you eat like blood sausage, always put lingonberry jam on it.

Captain Brien: Blood sausage is not my thing. That’s one of the things I can’t do. Well, even when I hear it on the menu I’m like nope staying far away from that one. But I’m very adventurous with my meals, I like to eat. I eat all kinds of stuff, but the blood sausage sometimes just turns me off.

ISMO: Yeah, well the Finnish blood sausage it’s good. If you go there you have to try that.

Captain Brien: Is it grilled or smoked or how do they do it?

ISMO: I guess it’s like smoked.

Captain Brien: You don’t cook very much I take it?

ISMO: Well I, nobody makes blood sausage at home. It’s a thing you get like from a hot dog stand.

Captain Brien: But when you take it home. Do you cook it?

ISMO: You just warm it.

Captain Brien: That’s it?

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Because it’s already cooked.

ISMO: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay. So then it must be like, cured or smoked?

ISMO: Yeah, something like that. In some cities, it’s very popular to have big blocks of it like as a late night snack, your hot dog.

Captain Brien: Yeah, okay, okay.

ISMO: Like a drunk food.

Captain Brien: Do you have mustard, do you put mustard on it?

ISMO: Yeah, and the Finnish mustard it’s different. I kinda miss that it’s different. I miss the lingonberries and the mustard and I miss the there’s this one thing that like curd you know, like something made of milk.

Captain Brien: Is it cheese?

ISMO: No and it doesn’t exist here. I tried to find it forever but it’s like this, it’s kind of like sour cream but it’s completely different. And we use that for all like dipping sauces.

Captain Brien: That must be like, fresh crema?

ISMO: Yeah, but it’s different from that.

Captain Brien: It’s different from fresh crema?

ISMO: It’s like Finnish curd. So it’s

Captain Brien: Isn’t that where the Vikings? You guys have a lot of Vikings?

ISMO: Well, Vikings were mostly like Norwegian. And I think they are not like it’s not like a profession anymore. There’s no school for pillaging. Yeah, that was like Norway on the coast. Finland was like, at that time, we weren’t, we didn’t have boats.

Captain Brien: Okay you were just chasing reindeer around?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: And so reindeer is like your cow?

ISMO: Well, yeah we have cows also but it’s kind of, yeah. Because it’s like half free and half like, domesticated so. It’s yeah, I don’t know what the equivalent but because it’s

Captain Brien: But it’s tougher, is it tougher than a beef?

ISMO: Like tougher?

Captain Brien: The meat.

ISMO: Yeah because they walk all the time. The cows just eat. So yeah it’s like game meat I’m sure.

Captain Brien: Right, right and you guys like the gamey flavor?

ISMO: Well we have our first, I think we eat more beef than reindeer. Everybody eat red salmon and all that basic stuff but reindeer is kind of like a specialty you sometimes have

Captain Brien: Yeah so like here, we’ll eat gator?

ISMO: Oh yeah.

Captain Brien: Gators popular here.

ISMO: Oh yeah, I’ve never tasted that

Captain Brien: And rattlesnake, you can eat that.

ISMO: Yeah, well I have to try those.

Captain Brien: You should try those.

ISMO: Yeah.

ISMO: Maybe you should do like a mix with the gator, the rattlesnake and throw in a couple reindeer.

Captain Brien: Do you eat the actual rattle?

ISMO: The rattle is dead skin so it’s probably not that appetizing.

Captain Brien: Because then when you take a shit, it’s gotta go somewhere.

ISMO: Yeah it’s gonna. You’d think you had to go then imagine if you eat the rattle.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Holy cow. We are gonna wrap this up. This is the captain’s log. My guest, hey Mackstud, what’s up? My guest ISMO is gonna be at Off the Hook comedy club. Guys, if you wanted to get free tickets, I will give away, let’s see, six pairs of tickets. But when you’re leaving comments, I have to, you know, respond so like when there’s a million comments by the end of this podcast, I can’t respond to everybody. So if you don’t get a message that means you didn’t win but the six people that I will message win. And there will be six and then we’ll be good. And you come see us. Get tickets at Off The Hook Comedy, go see ISMO, what’s your social media?

ISMO: ISMO, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: I-S-M-O, you can’t miss him, you’re gonna love him.

ISMO: All caps on Facebook, I-S-M-O.

Captain Brien: Absolutely hysterical and I’m happy to have you. It was a pleasure, man thank you.

ISMO: Thank you.

Captain Brien: Bye guys, we’re out.

Captain Brien: Bye.

Captain Brien: See ya

Episode 213 The Captain’s Log with Comedian Steve Trevino and Captain Brien!

Comedy, Fishing, Live, Prodcasting, Vlog, Vlogging, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 22:58 — 31.5MB) | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | RSS | More

Comedian Steve Trevino joins Captain Brien to discuss what it’s like being a comedian, random comedian requests, and fishing! Tune into hear some of the funny, random, and sometimes obnoxious requests comedians make!

Siri can now help you listen to your favorite podcasts! Say things like “play The Captains Log” or “play my newest podcasts.” You can also ask Siri about the podcast that is currently playing and request to be subscribed! Just tell Siri “subscribe to this show!”

Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-OszdFOgk0&t=252s

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Steve Trevino out and show him some love at:

 

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Steve Trevino: But I can do it here, huh?

Captain Brien: Yeah man, we’re back, it’s the Captain’s Log.

Captain Brien:Steve Trevino, no, I can’t do it.

Steve Trevino: Trevino.

Captain Brien:- Trevino. I’m just gonna say Trevino like a white guy.

Steve Trevino: Trevino, yeah just be a white guy.

Captain Brien: I’m so white anyway, like, I don’t have any tongue roll.

Steve Trevino: So how do I do it on mine?

Captain Brien: So you’re gonna go like this.

Steve Trevino: Refresh.

Captain Brien: And, yeah. When you scroll down, and then scroll back up and see us. But thanks for joining me, man, The Captain’s Log. Now, have you been on the show, have we done this?

Steve Trevino: Well no, I’ve been a little jealous to be honest with you, every time I come into town you’re like, “Steve, I can’t make it, I got this going on.” And then literally the next week you’ll have, like, Eric Griffin. And I’m like, “oh, ’cause I’m not a workaholic.”

Captain Brien: No, no, stop, you know what it is?

Steve Trevino: We’ve been friends a long time.

Captain Brien: We’ve been friends a long time, but I’ll tell you why. Because you’re so professional. The truth is, I don’t have to babysit you. So it’s like a great weekend for me to understand, like, Steve’s got it all under control, he’s like a pro, he’s gonna knock ’em out of the park.

Steve Trevino: So I gotta flip mine up now.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah tell ’em, tell your peeps.

Steve Trevino: I think we did it.

Captain Brien: Good.

Steve Trevino: Awesome.

Captain Brien: Yep, you’re live. You can put it away, tell ’em.

Steve Trevino: Well look, I’m one of those guys that I know that, number one, I take it like a job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Steve Trevino: It’s my job.

Steve Trevino: Is it what I love to do, I love to do it, I love to be on stage, but at the end of the day this is my job.

Captain Brien: Correct.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I did it too when I worked at the comedy club, I would have to pick up the comics, it was a nightmare.

Captain Brien: Why, because 30% of the time they’re on time?

Steve Trevino: Yeah, maybe, and sometimes you’re knocking on the door, and then they give you the-

Captain Brien: I’m on my way, I’ll be right down.

Steve Trevino: I’ll be down in a minute.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I would just sit in the lobby and then I would get yelled at by the radio stations, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Story of my life every day.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, “no, it’s not me!”

Captain Brien: Every day.

Steve Trevino: I was there! I was trying to wake him up.

Captain Brien: I can’t tell you, you know the message I sent you, “hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” By the way, where is your coffee? Oh, it’s in the back.

Captain Brien: It’s in the back. “Hey, you want me to get you a coffee?” That message is literally my cue to figure out if they’re-

Steve Trevino: If they’re up or not.

Captain Brien: If they’re gonna make it, it’s worth it for me to get a coffee, breakfast, whatever they want, whatever they need.

Steve Trevino: But let me know you’re up.

Captain Brien: Let me know that you’re gonna make it today.

Steve Trevino: And a lot of comics too, they’re like, “oh I don’t wanna do radio.” And I’m like “look man, it’s part of our job.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember listening to an interview with Chris Rock where he was talking to a comedian, and the comedian goes “I wanna get to the point “where I don’t have to tour.” And Chris Rock’s like, “well, don’t be a comedian.”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause it’s what we do.

Captain Brien: Yeah, who wants to be like a rock star and not play?

Steve Trevino: It’s part of our life, that’s how I make my money. Even Chris Rock still tours.

Captain Brien: I agree with that 100%, but I also feel like there’s this new movement they’re making where everyone’s like, “oh, I just wanna work on Friday and Saturday.” Oh, so you just want the club to go out of business. Like two days a week, the club is gonna be busy?

Steve Trevino: And I always laugh when I hear these. You know, like a new club will pop up, and these young comics are like “they are paying so much money.”

Captain Brien: Oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’m like, why don’t you tell them,

Captain Brien: That they’re gonna be gone in six months.

Steve Trevino: Right, do you want ’em here forever?

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: Or do you wanna get money right now?

Captain Brien: Correct, right.

Steve Trevino: So they have this attitude of like, oh, just go in there and get the money. It’s like, well they’re gonna go out of business.

Captain Brien: No, that’s not how it works, exactly.

Steve Trevino: I’d rather have constant work forever.

Captain Brien: Well again, that goes back to the reason why when you’re like “hey, “if I’m going out of town, if I’m not available that week.” I know certain weeks that I have to freakin’ be there and babysit.

Steve Trevino: Yeah.

Captain Brien: I have to do a hundred more things than I would do.

Steve Trevino: And then I have friends that tell me “I love comedy, I should be a comedy club manager.” And I’m like, “you don’t even know “what you’re getting into.

Captain Brien: Oh it’s like being a fishing guide. Oh you like to fish? Oh yeah, how about taking a moron fishing every single day of your life? You’ll hate it.

Steve Trevino: You’re gonna hate it. And not only that, every week is completely different.

Captain Brien: Every week.

Steve Trevino: You’re managing a different comedian every single week.

Captain Brien: And the audience.

Steve Trevino: I got to the hotel at The Punchline in San Francisco, and the guy at the hotel was like, “hey, here’s a bottle of 1941 “that somebody left for you.” And I was like “really?” And he said “yeah, a Marlon Wayans a bottle of 1941”, right?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And I showed up at the club I’m like “man, Marlon Wayans left me a bottle of 1941.” And they’re like “really?”

Captain Brien: ‘Cause we paid for it.

Captain Brien:We had to buy one every night. Oh, just so you know, how nice of him that was, is that every night they bought one of those.

Steve Trevino: That’s what they told us, they go “Every night we have to buy him a bottle of this, “and he just left it at the hotel for you.”

Captain Brien: And I’m like “hey, you drank the whole bottle?” Because if not I’ll just go to the hotel, pick it up, and I’ll bring it back to the green room and you can drink the other quarter of it that you drank. Now it doesn’t work like that.

Steve Trevino: And we have been blessed and things are moving forward in my career, and my agents and managers, they’re like “what do you want in your green room?”

Captain Brien: Right.

Steve Trevino: “What’s your writer?” and I’m like “I don’t need anything.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, well you’re a man.

Steve Trevino: And if I want something, there’s a full bar at every comedy club I work at, I’d just get it.

Captain Brien: Right, I think a lot of the writers, aren’t they just cookie cutters? Like, they’re not gonna re-write someone’s whole new-

Steve Trevino: Somebody told me that somebody asked for a German Shepherd puppy.

Captain Brien: At every show or just one?

Steve Trevino: No, at every show, a new puppy. What I remember, dude, you used to have the condo, first of all, it wasn’t even a condo. It was somebody’s house, it was Brien’s house. It was huge, it was a full-on house. And Brien would be like “oh, stay at the house.” And you’re like “what?” And I love to fish right, so the dock was back there, we could fish all night. So anyway, I get there, and there’s like three pairs of Air Force One’s.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And you know who wanted those.

Captain Brien: Yep, well I told that story before. The thing about it is that it’s not one pair for the four shows, or five shows, or six shows, no.

Steve Trevino: Every show.

Captain Brien: It’s a different pair every show, what are you doing with those?

Steve Trevino: Eddie Griffin wants a different pair of white on white Air Force Ones for every single show.

Captain Brien: Yup, every show, one time, funniest thing-

Steve Trevino: And he just left them behind.

Captain Brien: I had him in September and it was back to school. And they only make so many, I didn’t know this because it’s not like the hottest new shoes. They only made so many Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: Nobody wants these shoes.

Captain Brien: Yeah, and so they get like x amount, and then they’re like oh, they’re not making Air Force Ones again for like nine months.

Steve Trevino: Right.

Captain Brien: This is back to school.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, the Chinese people are tired.

Captain Brien: See, I didn’t know this, right? So what they do, is they ship ’em all out, when they’re gone, they’re gone. So you have to wait until the next-

Steve Trevino: Shipment, or whatever, right.

Captain Brien: So I said “Eddie,” and he goes “oh yeah, “that happens all the time, I know.” I’m like “oh, alright.” He goes “let’s go to the store, “and we’ll pick out something together.”

Steve Trevino: Like a date.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. So we go to the mall, we go in Foot Locker, and he picks out a pair of shoes that are $15 cheaper than the Air Force Ones.

Steve Trevino: He wants that 15 bucks.

Captain Brien: Dude he took the 15.

Steve Trevino: No.

Captain Brien: Yeah. He didn’t take the 15, he goes “damn, “you thought you were getting away “$15 cheaper, yo, throw some socks in.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: Yeah! He added the socks in until it got to the same price bro.

Steve Trevino: Oh my god.

Captain Brien: And I just died. I was like “I should totally record this.”

Steve Trevino: That’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: I know, I know

Steve Trevino: It’s unreal to me.

Captain Brien: But it happened!

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I’m very blue collar, I grew up, my dad is a welder, pipe fitter, my dad was always like “hey man, work hard” you know. So to me that’s just unheard of.

Captain Brien: But he knew already how much they were and how much he was gonna spend.

Steve Trevino: “You owe me $15!”

Captain Brien: Yeah. He’s like “yo, yo, yo, you thought “you were getting away with that.” He said those words, “you’re getting away $15 cheaper.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Throw in some socks, throw in some socks, I died, dude. I just love the fact that he did that so I could tell this story.

Steve Trevino:  I couldn’t do it!

Captain Brien: I told the story a few times, it’s legit, 100% true.

Steve Trevino: I’m the kind of guy where, ’cause you know, sometimes I do the theater shows, and if I know that I have friends and family coming, I’ll ask for a bottle of Crown. Friends or family coming.

Captain Brien: Now you ask for a bottle of Captain Brien’s, vodka or rum, or gin right?

Steve Trevino: Well, my wife would probably love your vodka. I’m not a vodka guy myself.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Steve Trevino: So you know, I ask for a bottle of Crown, right? And I’m the kind of guy that I’ve gone back there and it’s not there and I’m just like oh, okay. I’m not gonna be like “wait a minute.”

Captain Brien: No, oh no.

Captain Brien: “Where the hell is my bottle of Crown?”

Captain Brien: The whole show’s gotta stop.

Steve Trevino: “I’m not going on stage.”

Captain Brien: I go, “Eddie, you can’t smoke on stage anymore, “they just changed the rules.” He goes, “Oh okay, okay Captain. “Eddie Griffin no smoking, Eddie Griffin no showing.”

Steve Trevino: No!

Captain Brien: He was dead serious. They were dead serious, so I literally had to have the fire marshal at the show stand outside while he smoked, he said it was a prop onstage. The new contract that I just did, I was trying to bring him back in April, right now, hadn’t had him in a few years. Hadn’t had him for like three years. I’m trying to bring him back in April. It says Eddie Griffin must smoke onstage or else there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: Unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: Well I mean, Chapelle does that.

Captain Brien: He must be able to smoke onstage, or there’s no show.

Steve Trevino: But there’s a law, right? Where it’s like a prop, right, onstage.

Captain Brien: That’s what he says, “so I’m going with a prop.”

Steve Trevino: On stage you’re allowed to almost do anything as “art” and the cigarette is part of that.

Captain Brien: Right, yeah, it’s not like the whole audience is toking up, it’s just the guy on the show that’s doing it.

Steve Trevino: I wanna see, oh, I’m looking at my phone. I wanna see if it’s coming out of my deal.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it must be, no?

Steve Trevino: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, if you’re watching on Steve’s channel right now, on his Facebook, ’cause we’re live, Steve Trevino, my guest on The Captain’s Log, say hi, leave a message below.

Steve Trevino: Oh, it’s working.

Captain Brien: It’s working, it’s working! We’re good, yes.

Steve Trevino: It’s also 7:47-

Captain Brien: 100%, yeah of course. Okay, so I’m gonna send out an email for people to watch it, by the time the weekend ends, I’d bet we hit 35,000, maybe 50, what do you think?

Steve Trevino: Wow that’s awesome, I think that’s great.

Captain Brien: Maybe 50, I’ll call for 50.

Steve Trevino: ‘Cause I follow you on Facebook, so I’ll be like, last week you had my friend Vicky Barbolak, who I-

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s a doll.

Steve Trevino: Absolutely love, but I see all your little episodes.

Captain Brien: Thanks, buddy.

Steve Trevino: I hate when I say, your little episodes. Like when people come up to me and go, “oh, your little show.”

Captain Brien: Tell me a joke, funny man, do a dance.

Steve Trevino: My little show, it’s my life. It’s what I do for a living.

Captain Brien: Oh, I get it all day, I get it all day. But I actually, because I’ve been doing it now, steady for like almost a year, I like when people say that they see the show, no matter what. Even if they ate it, I don’t care, they see it.

Steve Trevino: Check it out, right.

Captain Brien: You watch it.

Steve Trevino: Well, the idea of a Captain’s Log is awesome.

Captain Brien: You think it’s funny, is that cheesy?

Steve Trevino:  No, well, I remember when you first booked me years ago, and it was like, oh, Captain Brien’s restaurant, I’m like, “oh, that’s a cool name for a restaurant.” And then you get there and you’re like “oh, this is an awesome restaurant.” And then I’m like “hey Brien,” and you’re like “no, it’s actually Captain Brien.” And I’m like “no, no, no.” You’re like a real captain.

Captain Brien: That really helped me in the industry those days because calling LA and being like “hey it’s Captain Brien”, they’re like, “what is this?”

Steve Trevino: Captain Brien’s calling.

Captain Brien: What is this dude doing?

Steve Trevino: The captain is calling, hold on.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I remember thinking to myself, there’s no way you’re a real captain. And then you started to explain to me, “no, no, no, I’m a boat captain.” I’m like, “oh, you’re for real Captain Brien.”

Captain Brien: Right, but we fished twice right?

Steve Trevino:  I fished with you one time.

Captain Brien: One time.

Steve Trevino: And then you set me up with Captain Buddy.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Steve Trevino: And Captain Buddy took me out fishing, and I caught the biggest jewfish I ever caught in my life. It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: That is awesome.

Steve Trevino: 500 pounds or whatever it was, it was huge.

Captain Brien: Do you see those videos on Instagram of them hooking them on the docks now?

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that was you.

Steve Trevino: We should have videoed that. Yeah, he took like a hard head, cut the barbs off, and then sent it down, and he was like, “just hang on.” And then sure enough, it was unreal.

Captain Brien: It just takes you.

Steve Trevino: It was awesome.

Captain Brien: It takes you.

Steve Trevino: Which, by the way, anybody watching, I love to fish, let’s go Saturday morning, take me out.

Captain Brien: Hey guys, you’re watching the Captain’s Log. I’m heading out of town tomorrow ’cause I have to be at some birthday party or something in Las Vegas

Steve Trevino: Sorry about your life, Brian.

Captain Brien: I need somebody to DM because Steve wants to go fishing.

Steve Trevino: Let’s go.

Captain Brien: He’s a pretty good fisherman, so you better bring your A game because he wants to put it on ’em. You wanna bring fish home to eat though, yeah? Or do you just wanna catch and release?

Steve Trevino: I catch and release, but we always keep at least one or two, because your restaurant will always cook it up for you.

Captain Brien: Yeah, we’ll cook it for you.

Steve Trevino: Which is freakin’ awesome. I think I caught a snook here for the first time.

Captain Brien: Redfish, snapper, right.

Steve Trevino: Growing up, we were catching redfish, we catch redfish, speckled trout, black drum. But out here you get the snapper, you get the snooks, which are like redfish on steroids. The tarpon are unbelievable to catch, you know. So it’s nice to come out and catch different things than what I’m used to.

Captain Brien: Which is always fun.

Steve Trevino: Yeah

Captain Brien: Did you bring any gear or no?

Steve Trevino: No gear.

Captain Brien: You don’t need it. Make sure you guys have enough gear for Steve, he’s coming. Anyway I have plenty of rods, so I’ll hook you up.

Steve Trevino: In Colorado in April, thank you so much John, man, I appreciate you, thank you.

Captain Brien: Come do it, come do it, you can’t miss Steve. Hysterical show, how long have we been working together now?

Steve Trevino: Well, what’s funny is remember Gary Mankey?

Captain Brien: I do.

Steve Trevino: Gary was the one that was booking me back in the day when, and again-

Captain Brien: Have you seen him lately?

Steve Trevino: I haven’t seen him in forever.

Captain Brien: I haven’t either.

Steve Trevino: I just remember one night. So, Brien would put us up in a house and next door was his parent’s house, and his parents had a pool. So your parents were out of town, and we thought Gary had died.

Captain Brien: Every day I think Gary might die. There is not a doubt that could happen.

Steve Trevino: Everybody’s like, “where’s Gary?” We had been drinking and partying. And it was like “I don’t know, man.” And somebody goes, he’s in the pool next door. So when we got there he was passed out in a tube just floating in the middle of the pool. And I’m like “oh my god, he’s dead!

Captain Brien: That had to be a sight for sore eyes, too, oh my god.

Steve Trevino: It’s like five in the morning, he’s dead.

Captain Brien: That’s so funny.

Steve Trevino: So then of course, the next morning, he’s up at like 9 AM.

Captain Brien: Yeah, oh no, he doesn’t quit.

Steve Trevino: Making coffee.

Captain Brien: No way, does not quit. It’s like he bounces back dude, I don’t get it.

Steve Trevino: So that’s how I have known you, and then-

Captain Brien: If we called Mickey, oh, it’s 9 o’ clock. If I call at six o’ clock in the morning, he’s like “hey Cap, what’s up, doing radio.” I’m like “yeah.

Steve Trevino: He’s been 60 since I met him. He’s one of those dudes, I met him 20 years ago, he was 60.

Captain Brien: That is so funny.

Steve Trevino: If I saw him today, he’s 60.

Captain Brien: That’s hysterical.

Steve Trevino: It’s unbelievable. But that’s how long I’ve known you. And then one year was the first time I’ve ever brought my wife, because you had me here for Thanksgiving.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then you had me over at your home.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, we had Thanksgiving at the house.

Steve Trevino: I will never forget.

Captain Brien: That was great!

Steve Trevino: That was so nice of your family, which by the way, your parents, they’re like a cartoon version of a 50 year married couple.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Steve Trevino: Right, that’s exactly what they are. But, I got to know your family, you, over the years. It’s just been great coming down to southwest Florida and having the opportunity to fish, to hang out, to do the show in a club that’s not your typical comedy club.

Captain Brien: Right, we’ve kinda expanded now. We used to be like 50% comedy, 50% restaurant. Now it’s more like 90% comedy, and 10% restaurant, on the off times. Everybody eats, which is always so great that people come and they eat.

Steve Trevino: Have a nice dinner, right.

Captain Brien: Because then it’s like a whole night out. It’s not just like “ha, ha, let’s go get some laughs.”

Steve Trevino: Drink a beer and have a laugh.

Captain Brien: So they stay, so then they keep coming back. That’s what has helped us so much, is that they can just do it whenever, even if they’re hungry and they wanna laugh, they can do it.

Steve Trevino: Well you know our friends Rich and Cathy, who come down here all the time, they’re like “Steve, we love the food there.” Not only do they like to go to the comedy club, the food’s good.

Captain Brien: They need to call me more, they never text me or anything when they wanna come to a show and I know that they come.

Steve Trevino: They just pay, right?

Captain Brien: They probably have enough money, so that’s okay.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, they’re fine.

Captain Brien: Tell ’em not to call me, everyone else does that.

Steve Trevino: But Rich and Cathy, they’re class acts like that. And that’s why we get along with ’em, they’re working class Pittsburg.

Captain Brien: Right, right.

Steve Trevino: You know what I mean? Which, by the way, what do you think there’s more of in Florida? Steelers fans or Patriots fans?

Captain Brien: Dude I don’t know.

Steve Trevino: It’s both. It’s definitely both.

Captain Brien: Because I’m from New England, probably my side I’d say Patriots, because a lot of people around me are New England fans. But, imagine being in Pittsburgh right now, or freakin’ somewhere where it’s three degrees.

Steve Trevino: Oh no, no.

Captain Brien: Boston right now, Boston, three degrees when I told you this morning.

Steve Trevino: Yeah, but Boston people don’t care. They’re out, you know what I mean?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: I’ve been there, I was in Chicago, I’ve been in Boston. Being a Texas guy, I’m like, “there’s no way “these people are going out.”

Captain Brien: Yeah I know.

Steve Trevino: It’s over.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s done.

Steve Trevino:  But they don’t care, they’re out there with their shovels, getting the day going.

Captain Brien: When I was in Boston back in college, when it was like 45 or 50 and if it was sunny, you crank down the windows and act like it’s a beach day.

Steve Trevino: Put my flip flops on.

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you act like it’s something special. And now I’m like, it’s 40 degrees out, it’s freezing.

Steve Trevino: This is miserable.

Captain Brien: Yeah, this is ridiculous.

Steve Trevino: What’s wrong with this place?

Captain Brien: So I guess it just depends what you’re used to, because who would do that today, goddamn.

Steve Trevino: Well, Florida’s one of those places, too, where it’s literally thunder storming and people that don’t know are like, well the day’s done, oh no, give it 10.

Captain Brien: Yeah no, it’s coming back in five.

Steve Trevino: Give it 10 minutes.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Steve Trevino: Sun will be out, everything will be dry again.

Captain Brien: What time is it, oh it’s three o’ clock? Yeah, by 4:15, everything’s gone.

Steve Trevino: Dry, you wouldn’t even know it freakin’ rained.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: And then the storm pushes through.

Captain Brien: I know, I know.

Steve Trevino: But it’s so nice to be here man, I love coming to your club and hanging out.

Captain Brien: I appreciate that, we love having you because again, first of all, everybody that comes gets one hell of a show. That’s the other thing, like you have some people that can’t sell a ticket, and that’s great. You have some people that can sell out every show. But at the end of the day, the clubs want a show that’s funny. They want the show that people are gonna love.

Steve Trevino: I remember I had just put one out, I had just put out “Relatable” on Netflix, and I performed at your club. And you were like “Steve, you’re gonna blow up.”

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Steve Trevino: In my head I was like “well thanks, but I haven’t, “and I can’t wait for it to happen.” But you were like “no, no, no, trust me, I’m telling you it’s gonna happen.” And then sure enough man, people caught on to the video memes and the clips, and now we’re on the next special after that called “Till Death”, which my wife and I produced ourselves, but it’s just been cool to see the growth in markets and fans. And you were booking me before I had fans. You were just like, “Steve’s funny, I’ll bring him in.”

Captain Brien: Well I mean yeah, you can’t deny funny, it doesn’t matter if people know you or not. If that is funny, especially with the internet now, that’s how you become so successful. When you put something out that’s funny, that’s undeniable, it doesn’t matter if I tell the joke, or you tell the joke. If it’s a funny damn joke that whoever told wrote it, that’s what people are gonna laugh at. You don’t laugh harder because some famous dude told it.

Steve Trevino: It’s a joke, what’s great to me is comics will call me and they’re like “Steve, “how do you do it what’s the deal man, what’s with the video, how do you do it, I put out a video.” And I’m like “well maybe I’m funny.”

Captain Brien: Maybe somebody laughed.

Steve Trevino: Maybe my stuff’s good enough to share.

Captain Brien: Right

Steve Trevino:  And now you’re mad at me because nobody shared any of your stuff.

Captain Brien: Absolutely.

Steve Trevino: Kyle White, what’s up my man?

Captain Brien: Hey Kyle, what’s going on?

Steve Trevino: I can’t tell you how many comics call me and go, “what’s the secret?” I go “I don’t know, I’m funny!”

Captain Brien: Right, exactly, the secret is, I told a joke that actually people laughed at.

Steve Trevino:  That people like, you can put the meme all you want, but they don’t like it.

Captain Brien: And people don’t share everything. To get people to share stuff, it’s a work of art right now.

Steve Trevino: I was just seeing this thing on the news about the secret-

Captain Brien: Hey Biggs, what’s up buddy, we’re pulling in right now.

Steve Trevino: All these advertisers, what’s the secret to going viral, and they’re like, “we’d love to know that.”

Captain Brien: Yeah, there’s no secret, the secret is that people have to enjoy what they want. They have to give a shit enough to put it on their so everybody sees it.

Steve Trevino:  And I’m a snob when it comes to the video sharing. If it comes up on my page, on my feed a couple times, I ignore it, but then 10 times later, I’m like “alright, now I gotta see.” The “Linda” thing, I was so far behind on the train, because it was this little boy, I’m not interested.

Captain Brien: You gotta see what it’s all about. Well guys, you’re gonna see what it’s all about. See Steve at Off the Hook Comedy Club this weekend. I’m Captain Brien, this is the Captain’s Log, Steve Trevino, buddy, we gotta do this again. Okay, thanks guys, be out.

Episode 210 The Captain’s Log with Amy Hunter and Captain Brien Bring You Couples Therapy!

Comedy, Couples Therapy, Instagram, Live, Radio, Talkshow, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Everyone’s favorite Mom from The Outnumbered Mother by Amy Hunter on the #captainslog! Don’t miss out on her live show at #offthehookcomedyclub Wednesday, January 28th! She is now here to bring you couples therapy!

Watch Full Video —————>  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRhbmKe-Ss

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Amy Hunter out and show her some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back, live on The Captain’s Log. Amy Hunter and this is exciting cause we’re just a few days away from your live show.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited for live show.

Amy Hunter: Couples therapy?

Amy Hunter: Yes.

Captain Brien: We’re gonna do some couples therapy? Tell me.

Amy Hunter: The last couple shows we did were really geared towards moms’ night out and my buddies who actually have penises were like we’re not being represented. I thought maybe you got trapped.

Captain Brien: I felt like I was freaking trapped, Jesus.

Amy Hunter: I went on a vacation with all of my friends on the internet last summer and we stayed in an AirBnB on this lake in Michigan. It was gorgeous, but there was like a bathroom downstairs with a pocket door and everyone kept getting trapped in the bathroom.

Amy Hunter: We kept texting each other like help, trapped in the bathroom and it’s embarrassing enough that it’s a bathroom but usually if you went down to the basement to go to the bathroom you were probably going number two.

Amy Hunter: So it’s just so embarrassing.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re getting out of the way.

Amy Hunter: How emasculating. You’re like get me outta here.

Captain Brien: That’s pretty bad too.

Amy Hunter: It was so bad

Amy Hunter: I was like I can’t believe y’all are still my friends after this weekend. We got stuck in a bathroom. Then you’re questioning your IQ.

Amy Hunter: You’re like how long is it to get out of a room.

Captain Brien: Running the shower.

Captain Brien: Turning the radio on. Oh, I’m just listening to the radio on my phone.

Amy Hunter: You had to life the door up and like that.

Amy Hunter: It was not my best moment.

Captain Brien: That’s funny.

Amy Hunter: We’re all sharing the text messages from each other like help, it’s me.

Amy Hunter: I’m downstairs.

Captain Brien: So how often do you text when you’re using the bathroom?

Amy Hunter: You mean actually have conversations with people?

Captain Brien: Yeah, do you text a lot?

Amy Hunter: I scroll. I will scroll like nobody’s business and I’ll comment on things online. I mean I guess I do text sometimes. I don’t know. Not often am I texting. In general I’m not texting a lot.

Captain Brien: The other day I was texting somebody and then they called me and they’re like you sound like you’re in the bathroom and I’m like well that’s good cause I am.

Amy Hunter: I am.

Captain Brien: That’s the reason why I was texting you.

Amy Hunter: I was texting you.

Captain Brien: Why are you calling me?

Amy Hunter: I have a degree of friendships. If you’re a really really good friend I will answer the phone in the bathroom.

Captain Brien: Okay, okay.

Amy Hunter: If you’re a very good friend if I have to pee I will not get off the phone with you.

Amy Hunter: And I will pee with you on the phone, but if you’re an acquaintance I won’t answer when you call.

Captain Brien: It’s not happening.

Amy Hunter: If I’m in the potty, no. But also being a mom you don’t get alone time.

Captain Brien: Cause then you have to hit the mute when you flush.

Captain Brien: Right? And they’re like hey are you there? Yeah, I’m here.

Amy Hunter: I’m fine, totally.

Captain Brien: I just freaking ran in the other room after I flushed.

Amy Hunter:Totally. I couldn’t share with you what was going on.

Captain Brien: Hello, hello.

Amy Hunter: You couldn’t know at all.

Captain Brien: Moms do that, dads do it.

Amy Hunter: Dude. Well, you know I still have young kids so I haven’t been alone in the bathroom since 2005.

Amy Hunter: Right.

Captain Brien: They’re at the point now where if you actually close and lock the door they’ll just start shoving things like mom open this.

Amy Hunter: I’m like, what?

Captain Brien: Oh, they want you to do that right away?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I’m like you know you have a dad. He is here somewhere.

Captain Brien: Exactly.

Amy Hunter: He has hands. My husband’s doing this new thing and I think that happens when you get a little bit older, is that he could fall asleep anywhere.

Captain Brien: Oh, really?

Amy Hunter: He’s a narcoleptic.

Captain Brien: I’m the worst, I’m the opposite.

Amy Hunter: I can’t fall asleep.

Captain Brien: Fall asleep ever.

Amy Hunter: I have to take an Ambien.

Amy Hunter: Two Benadryls. Some over the counter thing and I’m still sitting there going oh, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher mom.

Amy Hunter: I can’t even fall asleep ever.

Captain Brien: Last night, I didn’t wanna take a Benadryl but I was having an allergy attack.

Amy Hunter: So it was totally productive.

Captain Brien: I’m not supposed to eat soy. Like an idiot I ate a teriyaki chicken rice bowl or something, it’s all soy.

Amy Hunter: The whole thing, right.

Amy Hunter: What’s the thing with soy are you allergic to it?

Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m allergic to soy.

Amy Hunter: Oh, that’ll do it.

Captain Brien: Teriyaki sauce is made with soy sauce, right. It’s all soy. So like an idiot I ate it. All night I was suffering, sneezing. I’m like I’m not gonna take a Benadryl cause there’s no way I can wake up and go to the gym in the morning. After I take a Benadryl it kills me.

Amy Hunter: It really kicks your ass. It kills me.

Amy Hunter: Not me.

Captain Brien: No? You’re fine?

Amy Hunter: With an Ambien, and a Benadryl.

Captain Brien: And a Bendaryl?

Amy Hunter: And an over the counter sleep aid.

Captain Brien: Oh, you’re hardcore.

Amy Hunter: Dude, and I have to have headphones on with an Ambien app.

Captain Brien: Yeah, but you’re drinking coffee right now.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, I started at six.

Amy Hunter: If I get six hours of sleep, it’s go time.

Captain Brien: You’re ready to go.

Amy Hunter: Dude, I would make the world’s worst hostage.

Captain Brien: Ever.

Amy Hunter: Dude!

Captain Brien: They would be giving you back?

Amy Hunter: Sleep deprived, I will tell you all the secrets.

Amy Hunter: I will tell you everything.

Amy Hunter: Let me spill.

Captain Brien: You just start right away?

Amy Hunter: After 24 hours of no sleep? Blah.

Captain Brien: Boop!

Amy Hunter: I’m like, state secrets.

Captain Brien: It comes out.

Amy Hunter: I’d be the shittiest CIA operative ever.

Amy Hunter: Every time I watch Homeland and they make the Clara Danes character look like the hottest mess ever I’m like nope, I’d be worse.

Captain Brien: My daughter would be the best.

Amy Hunter: Yeah? She has a poker face and stuff.

Captain Brien: When she was three you couldn’t get it out of her.

Amy Hunter: Woo.

Captain Brien: If you’re gonna rob a bank you take her.

Amy Hunter: Really?

Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s like key, vault. Nothing’s coming out.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how I’d feel as a dad with that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s tough. It’s tough. One time she drank cough syrup–

Captain Brien: When she was little, and she reeked of cough syrup. You’d notice now, right?

She’s wearing lipstick around her face. You didn’t touch the lipstick?

Captain Brien: She’s like nope, didn’t do it. Nope. I’m like Briana.

Captain Brien: You know that I can smell the cough syrup. Nope, never happened.

Amy Hunter: She’s taking it to the grave.

Captain Brien: Yeah. She still says she didn’t do it.

Amy Hunter: You know, I admire her commitment though.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: Because if you’re going to do it take it to the next level. You have to stick with the lie. You have to. Even my friend, someone I knew or something was cheating, he still to this day is like never happened. Never happened. She’s like you had her panties in your car!

Captain Brien: Of course.

Amy Hunter: No. You gotta commit to the lie.

Captain Brien: You just gotta keep going with it.

Amy Hunter: I’m not good. I’m not good at that kinda stuff.

Captain Brien: You give it up right away.

Amy Hunter: Well because I find the more lies you tell the better of a memory you have to have and I suck with that. I can’t remember your name 20 minutes after I met you. I’m like who? What?

Captain Brien: I think the good liars, and I know a few really good ones, they just believe it.

Amy Hunter: Yes. Oh yeah, because they’re sociopaths.

Captain Brien: They believe what they’re saying. I’m like that’s not how this happened!

Captain Brien: What are you talking about? But in their mind they’re clearly like no this is exactly what happened.

Amy Hunter: But I know it didn’t.

Captain Brien: Okay.

Amy Hunter: I was there.

Captain Brien: I was there. That’s nowhere near the way it worked.

Amy Hunter: It’s hard to argue with someone like that.

Captain Brien: It’s so hard. You can’t.

Amy Hunter: See I have a– It was recently pointed out to me I am argumentative. I did not know I was argumentative. I thought that I was just strong and

Amy Hunter: You know, a little, maybe high strung. Took an Uber the other night, downtown Naples to go out to eat. We get in the car. Of course I had to sit shotgun cause my friends hate other people. I don’t hate people. So we get this Uber driver, who’s a chick, and I was all into that because we never get chick Uber drivers. She has on a 90’s, 80’s station. I’m like oh, yes, love this song. It’s Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah!

Amy Hunter: We’re all dressed to go out.

Captain Brien: By the way he was my neighbor for a while.

Amy Hunter: Nice! Was he a nice guy?

Captain Brien: He never talked to me once. But he did wash his Mustang 5.0 convertible with his shirt off in the driveway.

Amy Hunter: Ooh, and that did something for you?

Captain Brien: No!

Amy Hunter: Oh.

Captain Brien: It was before Instagram. I should’ve taken a picture.

Amy Hunter: You should’ve. Robert Van Winkle whatever. So this lady, Ice Ice Baby’s on, and she goes yeah, I know. I like this song too. She goes it’s a shame that Billy Joel sued him, for the rights to that bassline. I’m like no, no Billy Joel didn’t sue him.

Amy Hunter: Right, I just got confused. It wasn’t Billy Joel. It was Queen and it was Bowie. She goes no, no. Hundred percent it was Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Wait, the Uber girl?

Amy Hunter: Uber girl!

Captain Brien: Oh! Jesus.

Amy Hunter: She decides to take on the Long Islander. We knew Billy Joel songs more than we know National fucking Anthem.

Amy Hunter: I mean honestly, you don’t question a Long Island girl with Billy Joel.

Captain Brien: Sure.

Amy Hunter: I can sing The Stranger, the entire album, front to back to you right now. Glass Houses, hi. I’m like no, no, no, no. I just start googling and my friends hate confrontation. They’re in the back seat like cringing.

Captain Brien: Wait were they like Amy’s doing it again?

Amy Hunter: No, when we got out of the car, of course I was freaking right and proved it. She was like oh I can’t believe you were right. I’m like don’t take on the master, homie, don’t. They’re like get out of the car, and the one friend goes you are kind of argumentative. I said but she was wrong!

Captain Brien: It wasn’t an argument. You just had the facts right.

Amy Hunter: That’s the thing. Opinion versus facts. They’re two separate things. The sky is blue. My eyes are green. Billy Joel did not sue Vanilla Ice.

Captain Brien: Vanilla, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Dude, don’t test me on a fact. I’ll cut you, obviously. Poor Uber lady. She gave me one star. She rated me.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Amy Hunter: Thanks a lot.

Captain Brien: I believe it. What kind of car was she driving?

Amy Hunter: It was a Honda, no big. I mean I haven’t really gotten an Uber situation where the car is really great, have you?

Captain Brien: No, but I do see that funny prank all the time and I keep watching it.

Amy Hunter: Which one?

Captain Brien: You haven’t seen the guy that picks everyone up in the Lambo? You haven’t seen it?

Amy Hunter: I have not seen that.

Captain Brien: Oh, it’s great! He’s like Uber! They’re like what? This is my Uber?

Captain Brien: He’s like yeah, Uber.

Captain Brien: Come on I got you, I got you.

Captain Brien: Then when they’re driving he says something to them like you want me to go really fast

Captain  Brien: Or really slow or something like that and everyone’s like go really fast. Then he pins them to the seat and they’re like oh my god!

Amy Hunter: Wait but Uber tells you what kind of car is coming for you.

Captain Brien: I don’t know maybe it says it like on there.

Amy Hunter: See, you have to be the most gullible human being just to get into anyone’s car.

Captain Brien: But he really is Ubering.

Amy Hunter: Oh, okay that’s different.

Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s really picking them up.

Amy Hunter: Okay, so it’s not a prank, he just has a Lambo.

Captain Brien: No, it’s their real Uber.

Amy Hunter: Okay, alright.

Captain Brien: He does it, you know it’s like a pranky kinda funny thing.

Amy Hunter: That’s funny.

Captain Brien: He doesn’t do it all the time.

Amy Hunter: Why would you do that to your Lambo?

Captain Brien: The guy that was the Uber driver was like alright. He’s getting a freaking Lambo.

Amy Hunter: That’s so funny. That’s good. I really need to look that up.

Captain Brien: It’s a good move.

Amy Hunter: Is it in town?

Amy Hunter: Cause I need to get up on that.

Captain Brien: No, no. It’s definitely not right here.

Amy Hunter: I’ll Uber everywhere just to maybe get the Lambo.

Captain Brien: Yeah, no. No, no, no, it’s not. But you could go to Full Throttle Exotics. My buddy, Joe, will hook you up. You could get a Lambo anytime. On my budget, I am totally set for a Lambo. It’s a very practical car for children and car seats.

Captain Brien: Hey Kelsey, what’s going on?

Amy Hunter: Hi, how are you?

Captain Brien: Kelsey’s my box office manager. She’s saying hello to us.

Amy Hunter: Hi, and Marie.

Captain Brien: And Marie. Yes, yes.

Amy Hunter: Hey girl, hey.

Captain Brien: So we’re in Naples, Florida. We’re getting ready for Wednesday night’s show.

Amy Hunter: So excited.

Captain Brien: What time’s the show? 7 o’clock?

Amy Hunter: 7 o’clock.

Captain Brien: Who’s on the show?

Amy Hunter: I have four other amazing comics coming in.

Captain Brien: I should know this, why am I asking you?

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you really should know this.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible.

Amy Hunter: I have Shannon Kelly from I think Tampa, and Aneeria’s coming in from Tampa, Neera Tourney. Who else is?

Captain Brien: Is Marie Annette on this one?

Amy Hunter: No, Marie Annette decided not to do this one cause she has a show up in Fort Myers going on.

Amy Hunter: Okay, good.

Amy Hunter: Who else was it? Oh my god, I’m forgetting. Nancy Francis.

Captain Brien: Oh yeah, Nancy’s very funny.

Amy Hunter: Right, and I had to get her out of hiding to come back and do this show. She actually just auditioned for America’s Got Talent. So we’re waiting to hear.

Captain Brien: Good for her, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: She’ll know by Wednesday.

Captain Brien: That’s great, that’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m forgetting someone really good and I’m totally pissed–

Captain Brien: There is one more coming.

Amy Hunter: Cause she really made me laugh.

Captain Brien: And you host it.

Amy Hunter: I am hosting.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: I’m doing the top end. It’s a great show.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: It’s just a really good vibe. It’s loose. It ends up being like a high school reunion of sorts. It’s like Amy, this is your life. Everybody comes out of the woodwork, and I love that. The only funny thing for me is every time I do a show with my hometown crowd, most comics take their set and they work on it for years. They take the same set, they work on it for years, and I can’t do the same set for a hometown crowd. So, it’s always a whole new thing.

Captain Brien: That’s great.

Amy Hunter: Some people don’t come thinking I’m doing the same set, and that’s not true. It’s always good.

Captain Brien: Well no, because this is about the couples, right?

Amy Hunter: Right. This is about marriage, relationships, it’s about lots of stuff. Parenting, family, being a gal. We could bitch about so much. A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking when I was on my way here, about how if a white girl had a signature drink, you know what it would be.

Captain Brien: What would it be?

Amy Hunter: It would be a vodka soda water.

Captain Brien: Yeah because there’s no cals, no calories.

Amy Hunter: Right, bartenders see me coming and they’re already pouring. It’s either that or a white claw. That’s our signature drink.

Captain Brien: Now you could drink Captain Brien’s because it’s sugar free.

Amy Hunter: I’m so excited about the Captain Brien.

Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.

Amy Hunter: Vodka and rum.

Captain Brien: And I have a white rum coming as well.

Amy Hunter: Now what’s the difference in taste between a white and a dark rum? Is there a difference?

Captain Brien: Yeah, well the dark rum that we have is barrel-aged and we infuse it with vanilla beans and tobacco leaves.

Amy Hunter: Ew.

Captain Brien: That has a little bit darker, more rich flavor. Especially smokey from the barrels, because the barrels are bourbon barrels.

Amy Hunter: This is all in my wheelhouse.

Captain Brien: Then the white is just really clean, organic, white rum that comes out with the gin. I have a gin, but I couldn’t do anything for like six weeks because of the government shutdown. It’s been in the system just pending. It just keeps saying still pending, still pending, still pending.

Amy Hunter: That was a messy 35 days. Everyone’s fine with it until it messes up your air travel.

Captain Brien: I heard today six billion dollars lost in the economy.

Amy Hunter: Yeah lost, you know that makes sense.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: That’s exactly the wall money.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Can we just slip it over there, there we go.

Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Yeah, you know, it’s a pissing contest, gotta love it.

Captain Brien: It is.

Amy Hunter: The fact that it upset your apple cart–

Amy Hunter: That makes me really mad.

Captain Brien: I can’t do anything because everyday it just says–

Amy Hunter: Waiting, waiting.

Captain Brien: pending, pending, pending.

Amy Hunter: Now it’s over and you’ve got three weeks to get your shit together before it comes again.

Captain Brien: I heard that they’re six months behind now.

Captain Brien: Which is weird. How can you be six weeks of work and that puts you six months behind?

Amy Hunter: Bad logged, I don’t know how that works but someone’s doing a slow thing at their job.

Captain Brien: Right?

Amy Hunter: You’re talking about with your booze.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they’re saying that the approvals.

Amy Hunter: Oh, they’re talking about federal government approvals?

Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.

Amy Hunter: Well you knew how the federal government works. This surprises you?

Captain Brien: Yeah because the ATF, the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has to give the final signature sign off–

Amy Hunter: Makes sense.

Captain Brien: On the product before they put it on the shelf.

Amy Hunter: I worked for the government at one point.

Captain Brien: You did?

Amy Hunter: I worked for DCF.

Captain Brien: What’d you do? Oh, DCF.

Amy Hunter: Mhmm, and they are slow.

Captain Brien: Yeah, they are.

Amy Hunter: Everything is very slow. You’re watching the wheels just spin, like a gerbil, on them. It was not a good job.

Captain Brien: You can’t fire it up, speed up? How do you not speed things up? I just don’t understand.

Amy Hunter: I couldn’t personally do it.

Captain Brien: Why?

Amy Hunter: I had 60 to 75 kids on my caseload at any one given time.

Captain Brien: That’s a lot.

Amy Hunter: Right, and that’s everyone in the system, and I was in foster care so I had to go and make sure they were okay. Well let’s say driving time and visit time takes you an hour per kid. Working a full work week of 40 hours a week, you do the math. Can’t get to everyone.

Captain Brien: So what happens?

Amy Hunter: They fall through the cracks.

Captain Brien: They do?

Amy Hunter: Yeah.

Captain Brien: Oh, that’s so sad though.

Amy Hunter: It was a very sad job, and I didn’t have children yet. I would get in my office and cry. My boss would come and knock on the–

Captain Brien: Are they pushing though? Are they really pushing or are they chill?

Amy Hunter: I don’t know how the system is now.

Captain Brien: How were they? Were they like we gotta do this today?

Amy Hunter: There are state mandated things. If a kid’s in a certain status you have to go see them at this time. Cause they are the most threatened, the most in a situation that’s terrible. But there’s so many fake calls like divorce proceedings and people are like oh I found a bruise on my kid’s bottom. Come on, that’s not a real thing. Stop fighting and get your shit together.

Captain Brien: So then you’d have to go.

Amy Hunter: And make it through the whole system when it’s not a huge, real problem. Does the kid have welts on his face? Have you lit him on fire?

Amy Hunter: There were kids that were really messed up.

Captain Brien: Oh my god.

Amy Hunter: It was a terrible, terrible time.

Captain Brien: That’s so sad, that is sad.

Amy Hunter: All I ever wanted to do work with students. I was like how did I get here.

Captain Brien: So you studied what in college?

Amy Hunter: I was secondary english education major.

Captain Brien: I have no idea what that means.

Amy Hunter: That means I can teach school. In a high school or a middle school level.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: I can do nothing else. I also know the proper way to conjugate the word there.

Captain Brien: Wait you can’t do anything else because?

Amy Hunter: I’m just kidding.

Captain Brien: I don’t, I don’t. I’m very bad at that. There, they’re, what else is there?

Amy Hunter: To, too, and two.

Captain Brien: Terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I’m terrible at those.

Amy Hunter: I think most people walking around are terrible at those.

Captain Brien: I think so too but everyone wants to point it out.

Amy Hunter: Especially on the internet.

Captain Brien: They so do.

Amy Hunter: Cause if you say something stupid on the internet I’ll just come in and go there.

Captain Brien: Well that’s me. I do it probably half the time. But you know what, I don’t point out what you do everyday.

Captain Brien: For real.

Amy Hunter: It’s so easy though. It’s like the ultimate shutdown. I think that forever people have been screwing up those conjugations, but because now everyone’s typing on the internet, you’re just seeing it now. I don’t think this is new.

Captain Brien: When you dictate it, is it right?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: When you text to talk?

Amy Hunter: It depends.

Captain Brien: I just go with it.

Amy Hunter: I don’t use text to talk a lot.

Captain Brien: You don’t?

Amy Hunter: No because then I’m asking my husband to pick up milk and now it’s asking him to pick up a stripper and it’s very convoluted. He thinks he needs a breastfeeding mother at home. He’s like milk from a boobie?

Captain Brien: What is this?

Captain Brien: Milk in a movie, you’re like hey!

Amy Hunter: Most problems in any relationship are due to bad communication. You misunderstood what they meant.

Captain Brien: When you get home, do you talk about the whole day?

Amy Hunter: My husband and I? We take a 20 minute, we attempt.

Captain Brien: Wait, you literally have times?

Amy Hunter: No. We try.

Captain Brien: Really?

Amy Hunter: Then the kids are like Daddy, Daddy.

Captain Brien: I wondered why I failed.

Amy Hunter: He’s like can I just have a minute with Mom?

Amy Hunter: Well we actually kind of sometimes like each other, you know what I’m saying?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Believe you me, there are sometimes that he looks at me with disdain.

Amy Hunter: He’s just like mhmm, yeah, okay, great day. I was telling him the other day about going to the auto parts store and he was like really?

Captain Brien: What’d you go to the auto parts store for?

Amy Hunter: This is funny. So I needed new windshield wipers, but of course like a normal woman I waited until it was pissing raining to actually go.

Captain Brien: Of course and you’re like damn I can’t see.

Amy Hunter: Everyday I’m like I need new windshield wipers. Then it’s torrential downpour and I’m like oh, shit.

Amy Hunter: Shit just got real. I go to the advanced auto parts store. I get in there, and I am a moron in there. I don’t know what I’m doing. For men it’s like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was like a scene from Clerks. This guy’s behind the counter, it’s all dusty and gross, I had just come from the gym. I’m like hi, I need new windshield wipers. He’s like okay. I’m like when it goes upward you can’t see. He’s like yeah I’m not a doctor.

Amy Hunter: He’s like what kind of car, I tell him. He’s like what’s the make, what’s the model, what’s the year? I’m like I don’t know the year. He’s like really? I had to go run out in the rain, come back in, whole deal.

Captain Brien: Wait, you did it?

Amy Hunter: I had to go out and find out.

Captain Brien: You had to read the VIN number?

Amy Hunter: No, I just looked at my insurance thing.

Captain Brien: Oh okay.

Amy Hunter: So I get back in and he looks it up. I’m like you don’t just know this by heart? This is all you do. So now I’m judging him, he’s upset.

Captain Brien: Of course, right away.

Amy Hunter: Right away, bam.

Captain Brien: You’re not confrontational though.

Amy Hunter: No, I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien:No, you’re not argumentative.

Amy Hunter: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.

Captain Brien: No, no this is him, he should’ve totally known every make and model.

Amy Hunter: No smile, no smile, and I’m all doo, doo doo. So he goes okay, they’re size 26 and a size 18. He goes you know, they’re not the same size. I’m like oh like boobs. Just like that. This poor guy. He keeps having a #metoo moment. I literally sexually harassed him in the workplace.

Captain Brien: Yeah, you did.

Amy Hunter: He had this face on that was like either this is an episode of Undercover Boss–

Captain Brien: Right. I’m not supposed to say a damn thing.

Amy Hunter: He didn’t say a damn thing. I was like I’m sorry I made it awkward. I’m just gonna go over here and get my windshield wipers and get outta here.

Captain Brien:He didn’t put them on.

Amy Hunter: Well that’s the other thing. There are signs everywhere that says free installation, free installation, free installation.

Captain Brien: Right, but he didn’t offer.

Amy Hunter: He did not offer and I’m standing there and I’m like hey how do I put these on in the store.

Captain Brien: Oh get outta here!

Amy Hunter: Because I really was gonna do it myself and he’s like well, I guess I can do it. I’m like it is raining, I get it. So he comes out, starts doing it, and he wants to get away from me as fast as possible. He is over me. I got my umbrella and I put it over his head and he was surprised that I’m actually nice. I’m like but you have to work all day. I’m not gonna make you be all wet. I can go home and change. He’s like that was actually very nice. I’m like I swear I’m not a sexual predator.

Captain Brien: Boobs are uneven. They’re not the same size.

Captain Brien: This is true. So wait, there’s two separate sizes?

Amy Hunter: Mm, usually left is bigger.

Captain Brien: No not the boobs the windshield wipers!

Amy Hunter: Yes, of course! Put your windshield wipers up, they’re different sizes, it depends on the car.

Captain Brien: Why is the left bigger than the right?

Amy Hunter: In general on boobs?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Amy Hunter: Cause it’s over your heart.

Captain Brien: Awh.

Amy Hunter: And most people are righties. So you’re using this muscle more. I might be wrong on that part.

Captain Brien: I think you made that up.

Amy Hunter: I think the heart thing’s right.

Amy Hunter: Cause we talked about this.

Captain Brien: Well we learned something new today, guys. See on The Captain’s Log, its amazing.

Amy Hunter: I wanna hear what y’all say. Is it just my boobs? Cause if it’s my boobs I’ll take that.

Captain Brien: Yeah, your left is bigger than the right.

Amy Hunter: I’m not argumentative.

Captain Brien: Not at all.

Amy Hunter: I’m just proving I’m not right now.

Captain Brien: What do you do just pull the strap up more on the right?

Amy Hunter: No, just one hangs out a little bit more.

Captain Brien: Oh, alright.

Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.

Amy Hunter: That would be a great business. A bra that you can have two separate size cups.

Captain Brien: It could be a little dialer. You could dial it.

Amy Hunter: Such a man thing.

Captain Brien: You know how they dial it?

Amy Hunter: Like a Nike pump shoe?

Captain Brien: Yeah, when you dial it could get smaller and you could dial and open it up. Then you just put it right on.

Amy Hunter: Would you have a dial where your nipple is?

Captain Brien: No they could be two pieces of material and they dial like this, like that.

Amy Hunter: Such a man. Oh my god, I love you, B, but–

Captain Brien: Like this and like that.

Amy Hunter: Like this? Do you mean in the middle like a dial?

Captain Brien: No, on the cup.

Amy Hunter: You tell me when this comes out, ill try it.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna come up with it.

Amy Hunter: You show me when.

Captain Brien: It’s a million dollar idea. I’m giving it away. It’s freaking ridiculous.

Captain Brien: Everyone’s gonna copy it.

Amy Hunter: I told you that I had a great idea for a bra. It was called the Brocket, and it has a pocket in there for your phone. Someone already made it, but it’s not called the Brocket. That’s on me. I’m told I’m not supposed to put my phone in my bra. Its like bad for boobs.

Captain Brien: Did you get royalties on the Brocket?

Amy Hunter: I did not. Someone had already made it.

Captain Brien: Oh, dammit.

Amy Hunter: I know, I was really pissed.

Captain Brien: You got a little late to the party.

Amy Hunter: I started doing my due diligence. Looking it up, patenting the whole thing, trademark, and it was already there.

Captain Brien: Damn.

Amy Hunter: But they’re probably getting sued cause bras and phones don’t mix.

Captain Brien: What happens if you get one of those phones that overheats? Burns you right the hell off. Gone.

Amy Hunter: Dude. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

Captain Brien: That’s it.

Amy Hunter: Fire nipple, no. I’m good. I already have enough things. I don’t need that.

Captain Brien: It’s like hot milk.

Captain Brien: Hot boob?

Captain Brien: Hot milk. Hot milk. I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Alright, guys. We gotta go.

Amy Hunter: Brien’s killing me. It just got a little real.

Captain Brien: We gotta get outta here. See you later.

Amy Hunter: Bye, see you on Wednesday!

Captain Brien: Watch us tomorrow, come see Amy-

Captain Brien: Out the Hook, Wednesday, later.

Episode 204 The Captain’s Log with Eric Myers and Captain Brien!!

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Comedian Eric Myers joins us as we talk about Eric’s Uber driver job and code brown at Walmart😂!

Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.

The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!

Check Erik Myers out and show him some love at:

PODCAST RECAP

Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!

Captain Brien: We’re back on the Captain’s Log. Erik Myers, what’s up buddy?

Erik Myers: What’s up peanuts?

Captain Brien: What are you doing?

Erik Myers: I’m sittin’ here havin’ a good time.

Captain Brien: I’m gonna put on my shades cause you’re too cool.

Erik Myers: I don’t know about that. I am pretty cool. I got my new leather jacket from Forever Twenty Ones, 39.99.

Captain Brien: That’s our new intern right there

Erik Myers: Who?

Captain Brien: Right there, Kendall.

Erik Myers: Hi, Kendall.

Kendall: Hi Erik.

Erik Myers: Kendall’s a rapper and she’s gonna rap for us.

Erik Myers: Go Kendall.

Captain Brien: I did hear her telling us how talented of a rapper she was.

Erik Myers: She said she was the next Biggie Smalls. That’s exactly to quote.

Captain Brien: So we just finished 105.5, The Beat.

Erik Myers: We did finish it.

Captain Brien: And, Erik, you’re performing at Off the Hook Comedy Club, tonight.

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Wednesday, yes.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: What? No.

Captain Brien: Seven o’clock show.

Erik Myers: No, I canceled that.

Captain Brien: And I’m gonna give you

Erik Myers: I have a hair appointment. I’m washing my hair. Look at it.

Captain Brien: Giving away free tickets now. Stop, you’re interrupting. It’s my god damn show.

Erik Myers: You shut up!

Captain Brien: Erik Myers tonight at 7:00.

Erik Myers: 7:00.

Captain Brien: Off the Hook Comedy Club. E-M-F, Erik Myers Free. E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com. Use that promo code and you can get free tickets.

Erik Myers: Free.

Captain Brien: To see Erik tonight. The first 20 people, after that you gotta pay.

Erik Myers: 20 of you are lucky. The rest a you is screwed.

Captain Brien: Yes.

Erik Myers: You have to big money to see me.

Captain Brien: I’m just gonna make my way up here because if I sit here to long that’s right when the sun is right in my face.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m practically blind I don’t even have sunglasses. You and Kendall have sunglasses and I got nothing. I’m gonna put my little visor down.

Captain Brien: Look at this visor down.

Erik Myers: It didn’t do nothin’.

Captain Brien: Well your face is really small it’s like little.

Erik Myers: I gotta little tiny peanut face. Brien why do 20 people get to see me for free tonight at seven Off the Hook Comedy Club.

Captain Brien: Offthehookcomedy.com

Erik Myers: Offthehookcomedy.com thank you, code E-M-F.

Captain Brien: It’s a good thing you’re not my promo guy. My hype man.

Erik Myers: I am your hype man. E-M-F E-M-F. Promo code, seven o’clock!

Captain Brien: Hey Vicki hey Randy what’s goin’ on guys? We’re live on the Caption’s Log and today is Wednesday. This is season two, season one took 13 years to complete.

Erik Myers: I can’t believe you haven’t been canceled yet. What are the ratings of this shit?

Captain Brien: But anyway go, when you’re on the damn podcast I know you guys are, you can like it and share it, and also give us a rating on iTunes or Stitch or Sound Cloud wherever you’re watching from. Or if you’re watching on Facebook just say hello when you tune in. Tell us what city you’re watching from. ‘Cause I wanna know where you guys are today and–

Erik Myers: When wanna know where you are.

Captain Brien: And not to rub it in but it is 70 degrees sunny and we’re in Fort Myers and it’s beautiful and I’m sure where you guys are watching it’s either here or somewhere where it’s cold as hell. So tell us where that is right.

Erik Myers: It’s cold everywhere else probably.

Captain Brien: Kendall this is your first appearance on the Captain’s Log, how do you feel?

Kendall: Very honored.

Captain Brien: You are right?

Kendall: Super nervous.

Captain Brien: Oh my God it’s so scary.

Kendall: Okay very scary.

Erik Myers: Oh it’s Kobe.

Captain Brien: So Erik what’s the plan while you’re in town buddy?

Erik Myers: Brien I’m gonna do a bunch a heroin and go to Walmart.

Captain Brien: Excellent thank you, I appreciate the–

Erik Myers: They can’t ban me forever.

Captain Brien: This is a family show so that’s good.

Erik Myers: What, I bring my family.

Captain Brien: Yeah you do.

Erik Myers: Yeah I bring them to the Walmart and we all shoplift it’s a group effort. I got 100 pairs of socks last time.

Captain Brien: So I had the visor up and it was perfect right exactly in the middle of our camera shot which was good that was good.

Erik Myers: Oh you got me from all angles.

Captain Brien: I do.

Erik Myers: We need like a crotch cam to get the full effect.

Captain Brien: Yeah a lot of hair on that one.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: Biggs is watching we’re going–

Erik Myers: Big mama sent us a message.

Captain Brien: Yeah we’re headin’ over to 103 now we’re on the way to see Babs and Biggs and Mel–

Erik Myers: Yay!

Captain Brien: And you’re gonna tear it up right?

Erik Myers: I’m sure as heck gonna try.

Captain Brien: I believe it.

Erik Myers: I’m gonna do this, I just started Uber driving and I wanna do like have a camera in it, almost like Cash Cab but like record people be messing with them but I don’t know would they have to sign like a release? First of all I was picking up these college kids the other day in my Uber. I’m a 30 year old Uber driver and these kids in the backseat so I’m like what’s your major? And he’s like English. And I’m like that was my major. And he just started crying. He’s like–

Captain Brien: And then did you open the door and let him out?

Erik Myers: He jumped out and I was going 50 miles an hour.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating by the way? Your big joke is that you get to rate and they get to rate you. What’s your rating as a driver?

Erik Myers: I’m rated X.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I’m driving buck naked.

Captain Brien: What’s your rating?

Erik Myers: My bare ass is pressed on the seats for all to see. I am rated 4.92.

Captain Brien: 4.92.

Erik Myers: My rating went down just because I got a four star rating but I only had 12 rides at that time. Well driving, I did Uber Miami, and it’s like first of all downtown Orlando Miami half the streets are one way streets, half the streets are closed, people drive like they’re crazy. You know in Florida people put on their turn signal people don’t let you over they speed up. They gotta be the first one to the red light or something. Everyone gets so angry in these damn cars they need to relax.

Captain Brien: So why’d someone give you a four star? Did you make the wrong turn?

Erik Myers: Because I um–

Captain Brien: They looked at your driving record? I have to talk about that.

Erik Myers: I was drinking vodka out of a thermos.

Captain Brien: Alright guys the promo code to see Erik is E-M-F because I know there’s some of the people E-M-F you get to see him tonight. Back to the Uber.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So when you signed up to be a driver they didn’t make you make you submit like your drivers license, they did a background check or anything?

Erik Myers: They did but I have a secret identity.

Captain Brien: So how–

Erik Myers: My name is Nol Galager.

Captain Brien: How the hell did that happen?

Erik Myers: I went there and I said no, I said I have a good driving record.

Captain Brien: Because you haven’t had your license.

Erik Myers: I haven’t had a license so I have nothing. I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: You’re a safe driver.

Erik Myers: I’m a safe driver.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: I’ve got a good driving record and I’m Ubering.

Captain Brien: I’m not trusting my kids with Uber anymore, not after this.

Erik Myers: What no dude I’m a good Uber driver.

Captain Brien: Thank you Vicki, E-M-F thank you Vicki yes.

Erik Myers: E-M-F Vicki come to my show please we need you.

Captain Brien: Yes I love it.

Erik Myers: I’m doing good Ubers and then–

Captain Brien: And I’ll be live tomorrow with Joe List he’ll be on the Captain’s Log. We’re going press again. We’ll be at gator country 105.5 The Beat, we’ll be on 96k-Rock, we’ll be on 103.9, and that’s tomorrow morning. Kendall are you with us tomorrow morning? Or you have school?

Kendall: I’ve got school.

Captain Brien: Oh my God.

Erik Myers: School!

Captain Brien: What does she need school for?

Erik Myers: School?! You’re rollin’ with the big dog. This guy practically runs Naples.

Captain Brien: You’ve already made it.

Erik Myers: You’ve already made it. This guy if he walks into McDonalds they’ll throw two homeless people out of line to get him an egg mcmuffin I’ve seen it done.

Captain Brien: You wanna know a funny story?

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: So I’m with Kevin Hart and I don’t wanna name drop but I’m with Kevin Hart, we go to Cracker Barrel. And the freaking lady at Cracker Barrel by the way just put your feet right on my dash right there–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about it.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry Brien I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Don’t worry about my dash nothin’. Your grubby ass sneakers that’s good put ’em right there.

Erik Myers: I’m sorry.

Captain Brien: Make yourself at home.

Erik Myers: I got ArmorAll’s in my car.

Captain Brien: So we walk in to Cracker Barrel and Kevin’s got like four of his homies with him right.

Erik Myers: Okay.

Captain Brien: And the lady’s captain Brien oh my God I love you, what’s going on blah blah blah. And I’m with Kevin Hart and they didn’t even know who he was.

Erik Myers: That’s hilarious.

Captain Brien: And their freakin’ dudes like his whole possy thought it was the best ever. Like the best freaking day of their life they’re like this is the best thing ever.

Erik Myers: He got upstaged by captain–

Captain Brien: Yeah it was so funny.

Erik Myers: Captain B is famous out here man.

Captain Brien: And now I’ll take three zeros off of his paycheck and I’ll still be happy. Just delete three zeros and still make me happy.

Erik Myers: Oh my goodness oh my goodness. You need to add three zeros to my check.

Captain Brien: There’s no zeros on your check just one, just a zero.

Erik Myers: It’s just a zero. They give me a check for zero dollars. I owe them money at the end of the night. Like–

Captain Brien: Depends how much you eat. So no this is a true story.

Erik Myers: I eat a lot of food.

Captain Brien: Another true story. John Pinette spent upwards of $9,000 in the weekend at the hotel in the mini bar and the hotel restaurant and bar.

Erik Myers: $9,000?

Captain Brien: His bill.

Erik Myers: In a week?

Captain Brien: No dude in three days. Yes, yes.

Erik Myers: I don’t even think that’s possible.

Captain Brien: It’s possible because I saw the bill. And I was like oh I don’t pay those bills I only pay taxes and room charge not incidentals. And they’re like oh we’ll charge it to Mr. Pinette’s card thank you.

Erik Myers: $9,000.

Captain Brien: It was 90 something 600 or something.

Erik Myers: What? What was he eating?

Captain Brien: Dude it was, and it was all mini bar. How crazy is that?

Erik Myers: Well that could be three sodas from a mini bar.

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers:  Where’d you have him up at the Ritz-Carlton?

Captain Brien: It was at the–

Erik Myers: Marriott?

Captain Brien: J.W. Marriott.

Erik Myers: Yeah that was the nicest hotel. He was the nicest guy on the planet.

Captain Brien: He was awesome.

Erik Myers: He was the best guy rest in peace and a comedy genius.

Captain Brien: Loved him.

Erik Myers: Yeah he took me to Mangiamo’s one time he got us like seven appetizers, I had like no money. And then I went up to a casino and lost $60 playing crabs and he gave me 60 bucks.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Mhm, and he gave me $100 tip at the end of the week. He loved me.

Captain Brien: He was a good dude.

Erik Myers: He was a nice guy.

Captain Brien: He really had a heart of gold didn’t he?

Erik Myers: He did, he did. He was a great guy and a great comic.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you in comedy? I mean you’ve been doing comedy now for what 20 years no? How long?

Erik Myers: Probaby, 17 years.

Captain Brien: 17 years?

Erik Myers: I did it twice before then but May 10th 2001 is my go to date. This has happened to me three times where someone has fallen off a stool and had to have an ambulance called and have them taken out.

Captain Brien: Here we are.

Erik Myers: Yeah that has happened to me. And it’s very weird cause I’m on stage and somebody will be drunk or they’ll take like pills or whatever before the show, and they’ll fall right off the stool and I have to stand there and I can’t really make jokes ’cause the person might be dead so it’s like but then going back on after it’s the whole shows ruined. That has happened to me three times in my life.

Captain Brien: It is weird I’ve had like people, it’s just the general public, you’ve had people have heart attacks, choke on a meal, like all kinds of crazy stuff.

Erik Myers: That would freak me out I couldn’t even watch that.

Captain Brien: You know you have thousands of people a week in your venue and weird stuff happens. So it’s the same stuff when you’re on stage I can totally get that.

Erik Myers: Have you ever have someone choking and someone had to give them the heimlich maneuver?

Captain Brien: Yeah dud a couple times.

Erik Myers: Oh my gosh. Really?

Captain Brien: I’ve had people throw up, people–

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: People lay a turd. Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: At the table?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude yeah yeah yeah. The general public does some weird stuff.

Erik Myers: Wait they–

Captain Brien: A turd. Fell right out of his pant leg.

Erik Myers: What do you mean?

Captain Brien: But it happens apparently ’cause the other day I was in Walmart and I literally, it was a code brown, in the aisle there was a turd on the floor. And the lady–

Erik Myers: I’m sorry about that.

Captain Brien: I was Snapchatting it–

Erik Myers: I drank some prune juice.

Captain Brien: It was a turd right in the freaking electronic section. And this was the other day, it was on my Snapchat, true story.

Erik Myers: Should have been in the toilet paper section. Wait did they put little cat ears or something on it?

Captain Brien: And I was like in the electronic section? The people in the electronic section have more money than this they shouldn’t be turding in the aisle. They should be a little educated.

Erik Myers: You need to by some apple underwear.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: The iDiaper. It plays 30 million songs.

Captain Brien: It was on the side I think it was where the accessories were they needed more accessories.

Erik Myers: He left an accessory. That’s the idukey.

Captain Brien: Oh Liz is in Massachusetts. What’s happenin’?

Erik Myers: Must be freezing.

Captain Brien: Michelle how are you? Yeah I know I’m sorry it’s actually 71 it’s gotten one degree warmer here since we’ve been doing this show.

Erik Myers: It was 66 when I woke up I was freezing. I had to put my little jackies on.

Captain Brien: What time did you wake up this morning?

Erik Myers: I woke up, you picked me up at 7:25, and I rolled out of bed around 7:24.

Captain Brien: Oh nice did you wake up when I called you?

Erik Myers: I did when you called me I lept right out of bed I was fully dressed and perked and ready to go. And I had some crystal meth right by the bed–

Captain Brien: How many Redbulls have you drank today?

Erik Myers: I am on my 19th one.

Captain Brien: No did you have your Redbull fix yet?

Erik Myers: I have an IV pumping my chest that pumps me full of glutamina and fluxtime. No I haven’t had any Redbulls today.

Captain Brien: No Redbulls?

Erik Myers: I had two cups of coffee.

Captain Brien: Usually you have a couple Redbulls to fire up the morning don’t you?

Erik Myers: Well then stop and get me one peanuts.

Captain Brien: I gotta go we gotta go radio because–

Erik Myers: Brien I was thirsty, I was parched.

Captain Brien: There’s a lot of traffic today so this episode might run a little longer ’cause I–

Erik Myers: I’m running out of wise cracks.

Captain Brien: What is that? Is that a set list?

Erik Myers: I was suppose to bring my set list but I accidentally brought my list of things I need from Walgreens so it’s not gonna be very funny.

Captain Brien: Okay so what is it?

Erik Myers: Nair for men. Extra small condoms. And a Caramello Bar.

Captain Brien: Wait have you actually–

Erik Myers: What’s up with Mountain Dew?

Captain Brien: Have you actually ever used Nair for men?

Erik Myers: I have.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: I did.

Captain Brien: What did you put it on?

Erik Myers: We don’t need to talk about it.

Captain Brien: No did you put it on your junk?

Erik Myers: I put it on my bald spot that’s why.

Captain Brien: No.

Erik Myers: I wanted to look older and more distinguished.

Captain Brien: It’s working.

Erik Myers: I did it is working. I Naired my legs one time. I Naired my legs one time because they were so hairy.

Captain Brien: Sarah’s said she’s been to the club at least ten times and Erik Myers is our absolute favorite.

Erik Myers: Awwwww Sarah I lovins you. Bless your little heart. Bless your little heart.

Captain Brien: You put the Nair on your nuts?

Erik Myers: I did one time yes.

Captain Brien: No way.

Erik Myers: Yes, and Nair takes off one layer of skin and your nuts is like one and a half layers of skin.

Captain Brien: Does it say on the package that it’s okay for that area or no?

Erik Myers: ‘Cause I see a picture of nuts with like the ghostbusters thing, don’t do it. I, my balls were like transparent. It looked like a sandwich bag with two plums in it.

Captain Brien: That’s a nice size package.

Erik Myers: They were like ghost balls–

Captain Brien: If they were the size of plums, each one was the size of a plum? That’s a big package.

Erik Myers: I have gigantic balls. I get it from my mother. My grandmother had a huge sac. We use to call her coin purse. Big balls.

Captain Brien: I don’t think I’ve laughed that much on a Captain’s Log ever and that’s embarrassing you made me laugh so hard.

Erik Myers: Oh my God, my grandmothers sac was saggin’ down to the fuckin’ Antarctica. Oh sorry.

Captain Brien: Oh great now you’re cursing. Oh my God. Ida what’s going on?

Erik Myers: Brien, Ida!

Captain Brien: We’re in Fort Meyers and we’re stuck in traffic there’s a lot of traffic and the sun’s right in our face.

Erik Myers: We’re stuck.

Captain Brien: I gotta tell the camera guy to do some adjusting on the light here.

Erik Myers: What camera guy? You got a freaking five dollar thing from Walmart.

Captain Brien: Alright fine well whatever.

Erik Myers: You could buy that when–

Captain Brien: It sounds better when ya know they can’t see it. I have to build it up like it’s a real thing.

Erik Myers: I wonder if the guy who shit on the floor in Walmart is watching this right now crying.

Captain Brien: I literally–

Erik Myers: I ate a bunch of fruit loops!

Captain Brien: Right after I Snapchatted it, a little guy came over with gloves on and a mask. And I’m life you’ve got gloves and a mask on everybody’s walking around normal, what the hell is wrong with this turd? Is this like a radioactive turd?

Erik Myers: If you step in it you’ll become turd man.

Captain Brien: Right.

Erik Myers: Like spider man, that’s your origin story. Wait did you ever see Caddy Shack? There was like a baby Ruth in the bowl and someone picks up and eats it.

Captain Brien: Oh my God they I think they’ve shortened this light they’re letting three people go through at a time.

Erik Myers: Dude this is preposterous.

Captain Brien: It’s so many–

Erik Myers: I could walk to the damn hotel.

Captain Brien: Well we’re not going to the hotel we’re going to 103.9.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m done tired.

Captain Brien: You’re done for the day?

Erik Myers: What do you want from me?

Captain Brien: Hey you guys wanna see Erik tonight? Use the promo code E-M-F at offthehookcomedy.com.

Erik Myers: Come see me!

Captain Brien: And I promise he’s funny he’s hysterical.

Erik Myers: I’m hysterical.

Captain Brien: And John Charles is opening up for you.

Erik Myers: John Charles! Yes he is the hilarious John Charles, very funny comedian and the Fazzle.

Captain Brien: Is he comin’?

Erik Myers: He’s hosting.

Captain Brien: Oh my God Fazzle. Fazzle watches all the time. Fazzle–

Erik Myers: Fazzle’s great I love Fazzle. He’s very funny.

Captain Brien: Fazzle I’ve given him a hard time this morning and–

Erik Myers: Why he’s a good guy! He’s got funny jokes.

Captain Brien: I always give him a hard time it’s fun.

Erik Myers: Brien you damn–

Captain Brien: Kendall how’s your experience on the Captain’s Log so far?

Kendall: It’s good, it’s good.

Captain Brien: Are you doing okay?

Kendall: Oh yeah I’m doing great.

Captain Brien: Alright Kendall how come no male interns ever wanna be my intern? It’s always females.

Erik Myers: I don’t know.

Captain Brien: Kendall why is that? Is my ad specific female specific?

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: No it’s not!

Kendall: It’s targeted.

Captain Brien: I did not. I didn’t even run an ad so it’s at the college–

Erik Myers: What does it say on the ad?

Captain Brien: It’s FGCU.

Kendall: No prostitutes.

Erik Myers: Male prostitutes–

Captain Brien: You have to put in your size and measurements. That’s the qualification.

Erik Myers: For the tip of your intern?

Captain Brien: No I’m joking it’s at FGCU.

Erik Myers: Me too right here sexual harassment.

Captain Brien: No guys ever apply, I was just wondering why it’s always females.

Erik Myers: I applied.

Captain Brien: Well you had to be in school.

Erik Myers: I said I’d fuck you. You never returned my calls.

Captain Brien: I blocked you after that.

Erik Myers: I sent you a sexy Snapchat of me shitting on the floor at Walmart. And I said this could be your face.

Captain Brien: That was you? That was you?

Erik Myers: I’m the Walmart shitter, I’ve been five places in the tri state area.

Captain Brien: I’m a little disappointed, I honestly thought that post would go more viral than it did. It only had like a thousand views. On Snapchat. I was pissed I mean you guys should have given it more love. It was a turd dammit!

Erik Myers: I think you shit on there to drum up business. For captain Brien.

Captain Brien: I didn’t even even do it, I just happened to come across a turd on the floor.

Erik Myers: You should sell captain Brien’s diapers for adults.

Captain Brien: Yes. It’s part of my merch at captainbrien.com. I sell that with my vodka, that’s captain spelled out, Brien B-R-I-E-N dot com. You can buy all the merch.

Erik Myers: I’m drinking captain Brien vodka right now and I’m hallucinating.

Captain Brien: No you’re not we’d shut you off.

Erik Myers: No he cut me off he said it’s not alcoholic fun punch.

Captain Brien: So you guys wanna listen to us after this shenanigans is over which is in just a few minutes–

Erik Myers: I sad!

Captain Brien: We’re gonna be on Big Mama the Wild Bunch because we just finished on 105.5 The Beat.

Erik Myers: Yes.

Captain Brien: And after that around ten o’clock we’re gonna be on 96k-Rock with Jeff Sitto.

Erik Myers: I’m so excited.

Captain Brien: And Kendall has already failed. She’s suppose to be videoing. You’d think she’d video one time. Kendall have you videod done anything during this show yet today?

Kendall: No not at all.

Captain Brien: Zero?

Kendall: Zero.

Captain Brien: What am I paying you for?

Erik Myers: She’s relaxing!

Captain Brien: You should pay me for all this exposure.

Erik Myers: She’s getting paid.

Captain Brien: Yes it’s a–

Erik Myers: I gotta do this for free.

Captain Brien: It’s a damn shame.

Erik Myers: I’m a big star.

Captain Brien: This is what I think should happen right now. She should pay us for all the freaking knowledge we’re giving her.

Kendall: We’ll go to Five Guys.

Captain Brien: It’s ridiculous.

Erik Myers: It’s on you and you’re not even getting free tickets to the show.

Captain Brien: I’m calling the labor board right now.

Erik Myers: I’m calling them, I’m depressed.

Captain Brien: What are you gonna tell them?

Erik Myers: I’m gonna tell them I need to work. You’ve been talking about poo poo all day it’s making me sick. People are shittin’ on the damn floor at Kmart.

Captain Brien: No it’s Walmart.

Erik Myers: Why are you shopping where everyone’s shitting on the floor?

Captain Brien: It was Walmart in Naples. This is real, I’m not lying.

Erik Myers: Well rich people shit too.

Captain Brien: Well they don’t on the floor.

Erik Myers: You idealist.

Captain Brien: You don’t have to take it on the floor.

Erik Myers: Well you know some people gotta go they’re old.

Captain Brien: What’s the craziest thing you ever did in Walmart?

Erik Myers: Me?

Captain Brien: Yeah.

Erik Myers: I shit on the floor.

Captain Brien: No c’mon!

Erik Myers: In aisle seven. Is that where, in electronics!

Captain Brien: It was in electronics.

Erik Myers: I was, I got so excited by the apple watches I just shit right on the floor.

Captain Brien: That was not you, that was not you!

Erik Myers: I got so excited.

Captain Brien: It was small, it could have been a small child. It wasn’t like a huge plop, it was like a little turd.

Erik Myers: I take small poops. I only eat raisins.

Captain Brien: Did you ever do anything crazy at Walmart? Everyone’s got a good crazy Walmart story no?

Kendall: Oh hell yeah.

Erik Myers: One time my friend, no this wasn’t at Walmart, this was at like Rooms To Go, he dared me to lay in the bed, like the display bed and put the blankets over me and when anyone walked by he was like videotaping me, anyone walked by I was like hey can you wake me up in 20 minutes for work? And people gave me the dirtiest look, they finally threw me out.

Captain Brien: Did you sleep?

Erik Myers: I was like pretending to sleep but I had my shoes and all my clothes on and I got under the blankets and these people were walking by the bed and I was like can you guys keep it down? We were like making a YouTube video but they didn’t know it because he was hiding and the manager came by and he was yelling at me I was like okay give me five more minutes. I was like what time is it? Wake me up at three I gotta go to work. It was actually kinda funny but.

Captain Brien: It sounds funny.

Erik Myers: Yeah I don’t know what the craziest thing I ever did at Walmart–

Captain Brien: One of the craziest things I ever did I know was I don’t know if that’s legal but we’re just gonna roll with that right there like that.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: The video like that.

Erik Myers: You can’t even see the oncoming traffic I don’t feel safe in this vehicle Brien.

Captain Brien: Let’s see. It’s another camera angle you know.

Erik Myers: Brien I’m a professional Uber driver I think I know how to drive.

Captain Brien: Really? Why did Kendall switch positions?

Kendall: I need a better angle.

Captain Brien: Oh you need a better look?

Erik Myers: She’s trying to jump out of the car and I don’t blame her.

Captain Brien: So one time I had a bike race in Walmart. That was fun.

Erik Myers: In Walmart?

Captain Brien: Yeah we used their bikes and–

Erik Myers: Who raced you and your kids?

Captain Brien: No a couple buddies. We were driving around Walmart on our bikes and racing and then the guy was like sir you can’t do that anymore. And I was like okay I’ll ride it back and I just drove it right back and parked it.

Erik Myers: What was that post you did on Facebook your kid was like my hair looks dead ass ratchet today or something?

Captain Brien: My daughter when she was like–

Erik Myers: So she got her cellphone back right?

Captain Brien: Yeah she got her cellphone back. She said something like dad my hair looks ratchet I need to get it cut today, dead ass. I was like you’re 11 nothing’s dead ass and it’s not ratchet.

Erik Myers: What does ratchet even mean?

Captain Brien: I don’t know. It’s like a ghetto term of like–

Kendall: Daytona.

Erik Myers What does it mean?

Kendall: Daytona, Daytona is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Daytona is ratchet. Like the city?

Kendall: Daytona Beach on spring break is ratchet.

Captain Brien: Really?

Erik Myers: What is ratchet?

Captain Brien: Yeah what’s ratchet mean?

Erik Myers: We’ll ask the college girl.

Captain Brien: Yeah the college girl knows.

Kendall: Ratchet is like just very dirty very grimy.

Erik Myers: Dirty and grimy.

Kendall: And gangsta

Captain Brien: Dirty and grimy and gangsta.

Kendall: Yeah.

Captain Brien: And that’s ratchet?

Kendall: That’s ratchet.

Erik Myers: I’m ratchet.

Kendall: Twerking, twerking on a stage is ratchet.

Erik Myers: ‘Cause it’s dirty?

Captain Brien: I like to twerk. How’s your twerkin’ skills?

Erik Myers I can’t really make my butt cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: No?

Erik Myers: No.

Captain Brien: Oh I make them clap.

Erik Myers: It’s kind of a soft calm.

Captain Brien: I make it clap make it clap make it clap.

Erik Myers: It’s like a golf clap.

Captain Brien: That’s my move.

Erik Myers: What?

Captain Brien: That’s my move that’s what I do at the club right away I go right to the clap.

Erik Myers: You make them ass cheeks clap?

Captain Brien: Yeah dude.

Erik Myers: I like to twerk. I twerk at Walmart.

Captain Brien: You do?

Erik Myers: I make them ass cheeks clap.

Captain Brien: In the aisle?

Erik Myers: Yeah and then the values fall down. It’s like 10% off, I’m like, they’re like 20% off. My balls are flappin’ around.

Captain Brien: You make it rain.

Erik Myers: I make it rain, I make it hail–

Captain Brien:  We’re not making it rain here on the Captain’s Log but we are–

Erik Myers: Prounce no.

Captain Brien: We are causing a lot of problems.

Erik Myers: I’m making diarrhea.

Captain Brien: I’m trying to drive Jesus what’re you doing?

Erik Myers: You call this drivin’? Jesus Christ

Captain Brien: Yes luckily this car drives itself.

Erik Myers: I think you’re legally blind.

Captain Brien: The car drives itself so we’re good.

Erik Myers: Well it sucks.

Captain Brien: I just gotta stay like semi on the road.

Erik Myers: Kendall will you drive? Because I think Brien’s had one too many captain Briens cocktails.

Captain Brien: Look there’s a cop right here in front of us. This is my move. If we get pulled over I’m always gonna put the live on air sign on. Don’t you think that would work? I hope that works. Actually I hope I never get pulled over–

Erik Myers: If we do we’ll get shot and put it on YouTube. but if I do I’m just gonna turn on the live on air, and he’s gonna say sir why are you live on air? Well I film a show in this car sir and I’m just doing a stunt. This was a stunt.

Captain Brien: This is a stunt.

Captain Brien: A speeding stunt.

Erik Myers: It’s a speeding stunt. I think you’d get off.

Captain Brien: I think it could work.

Erik Myers: Whenever I tell a cop I’m a comedian they always let me go. They’re like tell me a joke.

Captain Brien: Well guys thanks for tuning in. Go see Erik tonight at Off the Hook. We’re going on 103.9–

Erik Myers: When do we start filming this?

Captain Brien: We’re gonna start the show in a minute and this is the Captain’s Log. You guys like share say hello, there’s a little bell in the corner–

Erik Myers: Little bell!

Captain Brien: Ring that, press that little bell and you get notified that we’re live. When we’re live on the air you will know.

Erik Myers: You should have little twerking–

Captain Brien: And then if you had fun, if you enjoyed even a half a second of this show, give it a like. If you enjoyed more than five minutes then you have to share it, it’s just common law. And thanks for tuning in we had fun we’re here.

Erik Myers: Gracious!

Captain Brien: We’ll be back tomorrow with Joe List. Thanks for watching guys this is the Captain’s Log and oh yeah you can watch all the episodes on YouTube you can see this live but you can download the podcasts, Stitch or iTunes, Sound Cloud. I’m just gonna keep talking I don’t know why, this show’s over. Erik go do something, I don’t pay you anymore, you’re done.