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Everyone’s favorite Mom from The Outnumbered Mother by Amy Hunter on the #captainslog! Don’t miss out on her live show at #offthehookcomedyclub Wednesday, January 28th! She is now here to bring you couples therapy!
Watch Full Video —————> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRhbmKe-Ss
Funny jokes and notes from a day and the life Off the hook Comedy Club. Off the hook comedy club post on twitter daily follow us #captainslog for the latest info.
The captain’s log is officially sponsored by Captain Brien Spirits maker of Captain Brien Sugar Free Vodka and Barrel Aged Dark Rum both are gluten free also!
Check Amy Hunter out and show her some love at:
- Website: www.theoutnumberedmother.com
- Facebook: www.facebook.com/outnumberedmother3
PODCAST RECAP
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: We’re back, live on The Captain’s Log. Amy Hunter and this is exciting cause we’re just a few days away from your live show.
Amy Hunter: I’m so excited for live show.
Amy Hunter: Couples therapy?
Amy Hunter: Yes.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna do some couples therapy? Tell me.
Amy Hunter: The last couple shows we did were really geared towards moms’ night out and my buddies who actually have penises were like we’re not being represented. I thought maybe you got trapped.
Captain Brien: I felt like I was freaking trapped, Jesus.
Amy Hunter: I went on a vacation with all of my friends on the internet last summer and we stayed in an AirBnB on this lake in Michigan. It was gorgeous, but there was like a bathroom downstairs with a pocket door and everyone kept getting trapped in the bathroom.
Amy Hunter: We kept texting each other like help, trapped in the bathroom and it’s embarrassing enough that it’s a bathroom but usually if you went down to the basement to go to the bathroom you were probably going number two.
Amy Hunter: So it’s just so embarrassing.
Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re getting out of the way.
Amy Hunter: How emasculating. You’re like get me outta here.
Captain Brien: That’s pretty bad too.
Amy Hunter: It was so bad
Amy Hunter: I was like I can’t believe y’all are still my friends after this weekend. We got stuck in a bathroom. Then you’re questioning your IQ.
Amy Hunter: You’re like how long is it to get out of a room.
Captain Brien: Running the shower.
Captain Brien: Turning the radio on. Oh, I’m just listening to the radio on my phone.
Amy Hunter: You had to life the door up and like that.
Amy Hunter: It was not my best moment.
Captain Brien: That’s funny.
Amy Hunter: We’re all sharing the text messages from each other like help, it’s me.
Amy Hunter: I’m downstairs.
Captain Brien: So how often do you text when you’re using the bathroom?
Amy Hunter: You mean actually have conversations with people?
Captain Brien: Yeah, do you text a lot?
Amy Hunter: I scroll. I will scroll like nobody’s business and I’ll comment on things online. I mean I guess I do text sometimes. I don’t know. Not often am I texting. In general I’m not texting a lot.
Captain Brien: The other day I was texting somebody and then they called me and they’re like you sound like you’re in the bathroom and I’m like well that’s good cause I am.
Amy Hunter: I am.
Captain Brien: That’s the reason why I was texting you.
Amy Hunter: I was texting you.
Captain Brien: Why are you calling me?
Amy Hunter: I have a degree of friendships. If you’re a really really good friend I will answer the phone in the bathroom.
Captain Brien: Okay, okay.
Amy Hunter: If you’re a very good friend if I have to pee I will not get off the phone with you.
Amy Hunter: And I will pee with you on the phone, but if you’re an acquaintance I won’t answer when you call.
Captain Brien: It’s not happening.
Amy Hunter: If I’m in the potty, no. But also being a mom you don’t get alone time.
Captain Brien: Cause then you have to hit the mute when you flush.
Captain Brien: Right? And they’re like hey are you there? Yeah, I’m here.
Amy Hunter: I’m fine, totally.
Captain Brien: I just freaking ran in the other room after I flushed.
Amy Hunter:Totally. I couldn’t share with you what was going on.
Captain Brien: Hello, hello.
Amy Hunter: You couldn’t know at all.
Captain Brien: Moms do that, dads do it.
Amy Hunter: Dude. Well, you know I still have young kids so I haven’t been alone in the bathroom since 2005.
Amy Hunter: Right.
Captain Brien: They’re at the point now where if you actually close and lock the door they’ll just start shoving things like mom open this.
Amy Hunter: I’m like, what?
Captain Brien: Oh, they want you to do that right away?
Amy Hunter: Yeah, I’m like you know you have a dad. He is here somewhere.
Captain Brien: Exactly.
Amy Hunter: He has hands. My husband’s doing this new thing and I think that happens when you get a little bit older, is that he could fall asleep anywhere.
Captain Brien: Oh, really?
Amy Hunter: He’s a narcoleptic.
Captain Brien: I’m the worst, I’m the opposite.
Amy Hunter: I can’t fall asleep.
Captain Brien: Fall asleep ever.
Amy Hunter: I have to take an Ambien.
Amy Hunter: Two Benadryls. Some over the counter thing and I’m still sitting there going oh, remember that time in third grade when you called your teacher mom.
Amy Hunter: I can’t even fall asleep ever.
Captain Brien: Last night, I didn’t wanna take a Benadryl but I was having an allergy attack.
Amy Hunter: So it was totally productive.
Captain Brien: I’m not supposed to eat soy. Like an idiot I ate a teriyaki chicken rice bowl or something, it’s all soy.
Amy Hunter: The whole thing, right.
Amy Hunter: What’s the thing with soy are you allergic to it?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I’m allergic to soy.
Amy Hunter: Oh, that’ll do it.
Captain Brien: Teriyaki sauce is made with soy sauce, right. It’s all soy. So like an idiot I ate it. All night I was suffering, sneezing. I’m like I’m not gonna take a Benadryl cause there’s no way I can wake up and go to the gym in the morning. After I take a Benadryl it kills me.
Amy Hunter: It really kicks your ass. It kills me.
Amy Hunter: Not me.
Captain Brien: No? You’re fine?
Amy Hunter: With an Ambien, and a Benadryl.
Captain Brien: And a Bendaryl?
Amy Hunter: And an over the counter sleep aid.
Captain Brien: Oh, you’re hardcore.
Amy Hunter: Dude, and I have to have headphones on with an Ambien app.
Captain Brien: Yeah, but you’re drinking coffee right now.
Amy Hunter: Yeah, I started at six.
Amy Hunter: If I get six hours of sleep, it’s go time.
Captain Brien: You’re ready to go.
Amy Hunter: Dude, I would make the world’s worst hostage.
Captain Brien: Ever.
Amy Hunter: Dude!
Captain Brien: They would be giving you back?
Amy Hunter: Sleep deprived, I will tell you all the secrets.
Amy Hunter: I will tell you everything.
Amy Hunter: Let me spill.
Captain Brien: You just start right away?
Amy Hunter: After 24 hours of no sleep? Blah.
Captain Brien: Boop!
Amy Hunter: I’m like, state secrets.
Captain Brien: It comes out.
Amy Hunter: I’d be the shittiest CIA operative ever.
Amy Hunter: Every time I watch Homeland and they make the Clara Danes character look like the hottest mess ever I’m like nope, I’d be worse.
Captain Brien: My daughter would be the best.
Amy Hunter: Yeah? She has a poker face and stuff.
Captain Brien: When she was three you couldn’t get it out of her.
Amy Hunter: Woo.
Captain Brien: If you’re gonna rob a bank you take her.
Amy Hunter: Really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, she’s like key, vault. Nothing’s coming out.
Amy Hunter: I don’t know how I’d feel as a dad with that.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s tough. It’s tough. One time she drank cough syrup–
Captain Brien: When she was little, and she reeked of cough syrup. You’d notice now, right?
She’s wearing lipstick around her face. You didn’t touch the lipstick?
Captain Brien: She’s like nope, didn’t do it. Nope. I’m like Briana.
Captain Brien: You know that I can smell the cough syrup. Nope, never happened.
Amy Hunter: She’s taking it to the grave.
Captain Brien: Yeah. She still says she didn’t do it.
Amy Hunter: You know, I admire her commitment though.
Captain Brien: Oh my god.
Amy Hunter: Because if you’re going to do it take it to the next level. You have to stick with the lie. You have to. Even my friend, someone I knew or something was cheating, he still to this day is like never happened. Never happened. She’s like you had her panties in your car!
Captain Brien: Of course.
Amy Hunter: No. You gotta commit to the lie.
Captain Brien: You just gotta keep going with it.
Amy Hunter: I’m not good. I’m not good at that kinda stuff.
Captain Brien: You give it up right away.
Amy Hunter: Well because I find the more lies you tell the better of a memory you have to have and I suck with that. I can’t remember your name 20 minutes after I met you. I’m like who? What?
Captain Brien: I think the good liars, and I know a few really good ones, they just believe it.
Amy Hunter: Yes. Oh yeah, because they’re sociopaths.
Captain Brien: They believe what they’re saying. I’m like that’s not how this happened!
Captain Brien: What are you talking about? But in their mind they’re clearly like no this is exactly what happened.
Amy Hunter: But I know it didn’t.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Amy Hunter: I was there.
Captain Brien: I was there. That’s nowhere near the way it worked.
Amy Hunter: It’s hard to argue with someone like that.
Captain Brien: It’s so hard. You can’t.
Amy Hunter: See I have a– It was recently pointed out to me I am argumentative. I did not know I was argumentative. I thought that I was just strong and
Amy Hunter: You know, a little, maybe high strung. Took an Uber the other night, downtown Naples to go out to eat. We get in the car. Of course I had to sit shotgun cause my friends hate other people. I don’t hate people. So we get this Uber driver, who’s a chick, and I was all into that because we never get chick Uber drivers. She has on a 90’s, 80’s station. I’m like oh, yes, love this song. It’s Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby.
Captain Brien: Oh yeah!
Amy Hunter: We’re all dressed to go out.
Captain Brien: By the way he was my neighbor for a while.
Amy Hunter: Nice! Was he a nice guy?
Captain Brien: He never talked to me once. But he did wash his Mustang 5.0 convertible with his shirt off in the driveway.
Amy Hunter: Ooh, and that did something for you?
Captain Brien: No!
Amy Hunter: Oh.
Captain Brien: It was before Instagram. I should’ve taken a picture.
Amy Hunter: You should’ve. Robert Van Winkle whatever. So this lady, Ice Ice Baby’s on, and she goes yeah, I know. I like this song too. She goes it’s a shame that Billy Joel sued him, for the rights to that bassline. I’m like no, no Billy Joel didn’t sue him.
Amy Hunter: Right, I just got confused. It wasn’t Billy Joel. It was Queen and it was Bowie. She goes no, no. Hundred percent it was Billy Joel.
Captain Brien: Wait, the Uber girl?
Amy Hunter: Uber girl!
Captain Brien: Oh! Jesus.
Amy Hunter: She decides to take on the Long Islander. We knew Billy Joel songs more than we know National fucking Anthem.
Amy Hunter: I mean honestly, you don’t question a Long Island girl with Billy Joel.
Captain Brien: Sure.
Amy Hunter: I can sing The Stranger, the entire album, front to back to you right now. Glass Houses, hi. I’m like no, no, no, no. I just start googling and my friends hate confrontation. They’re in the back seat like cringing.
Captain Brien: Wait were they like Amy’s doing it again?
Amy Hunter: No, when we got out of the car, of course I was freaking right and proved it. She was like oh I can’t believe you were right. I’m like don’t take on the master, homie, don’t. They’re like get out of the car, and the one friend goes you are kind of argumentative. I said but she was wrong!
Captain Brien: It wasn’t an argument. You just had the facts right.
Amy Hunter: That’s the thing. Opinion versus facts. They’re two separate things. The sky is blue. My eyes are green. Billy Joel did not sue Vanilla Ice.
Captain Brien: Vanilla, yeah.
Amy Hunter: Dude, don’t test me on a fact. I’ll cut you, obviously. Poor Uber lady. She gave me one star. She rated me.
Captain Brien: I believe it.
Amy Hunter: Thanks a lot.
Captain Brien: I believe it. What kind of car was she driving?
Amy Hunter: It was a Honda, no big. I mean I haven’t really gotten an Uber situation where the car is really great, have you?
Captain Brien: No, but I do see that funny prank all the time and I keep watching it.
Amy Hunter: Which one?
Captain Brien: You haven’t seen the guy that picks everyone up in the Lambo? You haven’t seen it?
Amy Hunter: I have not seen that.
Captain Brien: Oh, it’s great! He’s like Uber! They’re like what? This is my Uber?
Captain Brien: He’s like yeah, Uber.
Captain Brien: Come on I got you, I got you.
Captain Brien: Then when they’re driving he says something to them like you want me to go really fast
Captain Brien: Or really slow or something like that and everyone’s like go really fast. Then he pins them to the seat and they’re like oh my god!
Amy Hunter: Wait but Uber tells you what kind of car is coming for you.
Captain Brien: I don’t know maybe it says it like on there.
Amy Hunter: See, you have to be the most gullible human being just to get into anyone’s car.
Captain Brien: But he really is Ubering.
Amy Hunter: Oh, okay that’s different.
Captain Brien: Yeah, he’s really picking them up.
Amy Hunter: Okay, so it’s not a prank, he just has a Lambo.
Captain Brien: No, it’s their real Uber.
Amy Hunter: Okay, alright.
Captain Brien: He does it, you know it’s like a pranky kinda funny thing.
Amy Hunter: That’s funny.
Captain Brien: He doesn’t do it all the time.
Amy Hunter: Why would you do that to your Lambo?
Captain Brien: The guy that was the Uber driver was like alright. He’s getting a freaking Lambo.
Amy Hunter: That’s so funny. That’s good. I really need to look that up.
Captain Brien: It’s a good move.
Amy Hunter: Is it in town?
Amy Hunter: Cause I need to get up on that.
Captain Brien: No, no. It’s definitely not right here.
Amy Hunter: I’ll Uber everywhere just to maybe get the Lambo.
Captain Brien: Yeah, no. No, no, no, it’s not. But you could go to Full Throttle Exotics. My buddy, Joe, will hook you up. You could get a Lambo anytime. On my budget, I am totally set for a Lambo. It’s a very practical car for children and car seats.
Captain Brien: Hey Kelsey, what’s going on?
Amy Hunter: Hi, how are you?
Captain Brien: Kelsey’s my box office manager. She’s saying hello to us.
Amy Hunter: Hi, and Marie.
Captain Brien: And Marie. Yes, yes.
Amy Hunter: Hey girl, hey.
Captain Brien: So we’re in Naples, Florida. We’re getting ready for Wednesday night’s show.
Amy Hunter: So excited.
Captain Brien: What time’s the show? 7 o’clock?
Amy Hunter: 7 o’clock.
Captain Brien: Who’s on the show?
Amy Hunter: I have four other amazing comics coming in.
Captain Brien: I should know this, why am I asking you?
Amy Hunter: Yeah, you really should know this.
Captain Brien: I’m terrible.
Amy Hunter: I have Shannon Kelly from I think Tampa, and Aneeria’s coming in from Tampa, Neera Tourney. Who else is?
Captain Brien: Is Marie Annette on this one?
Amy Hunter: No, Marie Annette decided not to do this one cause she has a show up in Fort Myers going on.
Amy Hunter: Okay, good.
Amy Hunter: Who else was it? Oh my god, I’m forgetting. Nancy Francis.
Captain Brien: Oh yeah, Nancy’s very funny.
Amy Hunter: Right, and I had to get her out of hiding to come back and do this show. She actually just auditioned for America’s Got Talent. So we’re waiting to hear.
Captain Brien: Good for her, that’s great.
Amy Hunter: She’ll know by Wednesday.
Captain Brien: That’s great, that’s great.
Amy Hunter: I’m forgetting someone really good and I’m totally pissed–
Captain Brien: There is one more coming.
Amy Hunter: Cause she really made me laugh.
Captain Brien: And you host it.
Amy Hunter: I am hosting.
Captain Brien: That’s great.
Amy Hunter: I’m doing the top end. It’s a great show.
Captain Brien: It is.
Amy Hunter: It’s just a really good vibe. It’s loose. It ends up being like a high school reunion of sorts. It’s like Amy, this is your life. Everybody comes out of the woodwork, and I love that. The only funny thing for me is every time I do a show with my hometown crowd, most comics take their set and they work on it for years. They take the same set, they work on it for years, and I can’t do the same set for a hometown crowd. So, it’s always a whole new thing.
Captain Brien: That’s great.
Amy Hunter: Some people don’t come thinking I’m doing the same set, and that’s not true. It’s always good.
Captain Brien: Well no, because this is about the couples, right?
Amy Hunter: Right. This is about marriage, relationships, it’s about lots of stuff. Parenting, family, being a gal. We could bitch about so much. A girlfriend of mine and I were just talking when I was on my way here, about how if a white girl had a signature drink, you know what it would be.
Captain Brien: What would it be?
Amy Hunter: It would be a vodka soda water.
Captain Brien: Yeah because there’s no cals, no calories.
Amy Hunter: Right, bartenders see me coming and they’re already pouring. It’s either that or a white claw. That’s our signature drink.
Captain Brien: Now you could drink Captain Brien’s because it’s sugar free.
Amy Hunter: I’m so excited about the Captain Brien.
Captain Brien: Sugar free, gluten free.
Amy Hunter: Vodka and rum.
Captain Brien: And I have a white rum coming as well.
Amy Hunter: Now what’s the difference in taste between a white and a dark rum? Is there a difference?
Captain Brien: Yeah, well the dark rum that we have is barrel-aged and we infuse it with vanilla beans and tobacco leaves.
Amy Hunter: Ew.
Captain Brien: That has a little bit darker, more rich flavor. Especially smokey from the barrels, because the barrels are bourbon barrels.
Amy Hunter: This is all in my wheelhouse.
Captain Brien: Then the white is just really clean, organic, white rum that comes out with the gin. I have a gin, but I couldn’t do anything for like six weeks because of the government shutdown. It’s been in the system just pending. It just keeps saying still pending, still pending, still pending.
Amy Hunter: That was a messy 35 days. Everyone’s fine with it until it messes up your air travel.
Captain Brien: I heard today six billion dollars lost in the economy.
Amy Hunter: Yeah lost, you know that makes sense.
Captain Brien: That’s a lot.
Amy Hunter: That’s exactly the wall money.
Captain Brien: That’s a lot.
Amy Hunter: Can we just slip it over there, there we go.
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s a lot.
Amy Hunter: Yeah, you know, it’s a pissing contest, gotta love it.
Captain Brien: It is.
Amy Hunter: The fact that it upset your apple cart–
Amy Hunter: That makes me really mad.
Captain Brien: I can’t do anything because everyday it just says–
Amy Hunter: Waiting, waiting.
Captain Brien: pending, pending, pending.
Amy Hunter: Now it’s over and you’ve got three weeks to get your shit together before it comes again.
Captain Brien: I heard that they’re six months behind now.
Captain Brien: Which is weird. How can you be six weeks of work and that puts you six months behind?
Amy Hunter: Bad logged, I don’t know how that works but someone’s doing a slow thing at their job.
Captain Brien: Right?
Amy Hunter: You’re talking about with your booze.
Captain Brien: Yeah, they’re saying that the approvals.
Amy Hunter: Oh, they’re talking about federal government approvals?
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Amy Hunter: Well you knew how the federal government works. This surprises you?
Captain Brien: Yeah because the ATF, the alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has to give the final signature sign off–
Amy Hunter: Makes sense.
Captain Brien: On the product before they put it on the shelf.
Amy Hunter: I worked for the government at one point.
Captain Brien: You did?
Amy Hunter: I worked for DCF.
Captain Brien: What’d you do? Oh, DCF.
Amy Hunter: Mhmm, and they are slow.
Captain Brien: Yeah, they are.
Amy Hunter: Everything is very slow. You’re watching the wheels just spin, like a gerbil, on them. It was not a good job.
Captain Brien: You can’t fire it up, speed up? How do you not speed things up? I just don’t understand.
Amy Hunter: I couldn’t personally do it.
Captain Brien: Why?
Amy Hunter: I had 60 to 75 kids on my caseload at any one given time.
Captain Brien: That’s a lot.
Amy Hunter: Right, and that’s everyone in the system, and I was in foster care so I had to go and make sure they were okay. Well let’s say driving time and visit time takes you an hour per kid. Working a full work week of 40 hours a week, you do the math. Can’t get to everyone.
Captain Brien: So what happens?
Amy Hunter: They fall through the cracks.
Captain Brien: They do?
Amy Hunter: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Oh, that’s so sad though.
Amy Hunter: It was a very sad job, and I didn’t have children yet. I would get in my office and cry. My boss would come and knock on the–
Captain Brien: Are they pushing though? Are they really pushing or are they chill?
Amy Hunter: I don’t know how the system is now.
Captain Brien: How were they? Were they like we gotta do this today?
Amy Hunter: There are state mandated things. If a kid’s in a certain status you have to go see them at this time. Cause they are the most threatened, the most in a situation that’s terrible. But there’s so many fake calls like divorce proceedings and people are like oh I found a bruise on my kid’s bottom. Come on, that’s not a real thing. Stop fighting and get your shit together.
Captain Brien: So then you’d have to go.
Amy Hunter: And make it through the whole system when it’s not a huge, real problem. Does the kid have welts on his face? Have you lit him on fire?
Amy Hunter: There were kids that were really messed up.
Captain Brien: Oh my god.
Amy Hunter: It was a terrible, terrible time.
Captain Brien: That’s so sad, that is sad.
Amy Hunter: All I ever wanted to do work with students. I was like how did I get here.
Captain Brien: So you studied what in college?
Amy Hunter: I was secondary english education major.
Captain Brien: I have no idea what that means.
Amy Hunter: That means I can teach school. In a high school or a middle school level.
Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.
Amy Hunter: I can do nothing else. I also know the proper way to conjugate the word there.
Captain Brien: Wait you can’t do anything else because?
Amy Hunter: I’m just kidding.
Captain Brien: I don’t, I don’t. I’m very bad at that. There, they’re, what else is there?
Amy Hunter: To, too, and two.
Captain Brien: Terrible at those.
Captain Brien: I’m terrible at those.
Amy Hunter: I think most people walking around are terrible at those.
Captain Brien: I think so too but everyone wants to point it out.
Amy Hunter: Especially on the internet.
Captain Brien: They so do.
Amy Hunter: Cause if you say something stupid on the internet I’ll just come in and go there.
Captain Brien: Well that’s me. I do it probably half the time. But you know what, I don’t point out what you do everyday.
Captain Brien: For real.
Amy Hunter: It’s so easy though. It’s like the ultimate shutdown. I think that forever people have been screwing up those conjugations, but because now everyone’s typing on the internet, you’re just seeing it now. I don’t think this is new.
Captain Brien: When you dictate it, is it right?
Amy Hunter: It depends.
Captain Brien: When you text to talk?
Amy Hunter: It depends.
Captain Brien: I just go with it.
Amy Hunter: I don’t use text to talk a lot.
Captain Brien: You don’t?
Amy Hunter: No because then I’m asking my husband to pick up milk and now it’s asking him to pick up a stripper and it’s very convoluted. He thinks he needs a breastfeeding mother at home. He’s like milk from a boobie?
Captain Brien: What is this?
Captain Brien: Milk in a movie, you’re like hey!
Amy Hunter: Most problems in any relationship are due to bad communication. You misunderstood what they meant.
Captain Brien: When you get home, do you talk about the whole day?
Amy Hunter: My husband and I? We take a 20 minute, we attempt.
Captain Brien: Wait, you literally have times?
Amy Hunter: No. We try.
Captain Brien: Really?
Amy Hunter: Then the kids are like Daddy, Daddy.
Captain Brien: I wondered why I failed.
Amy Hunter: He’s like can I just have a minute with Mom?
Amy Hunter: Well we actually kind of sometimes like each other, you know what I’m saying?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Amy Hunter: Believe you me, there are sometimes that he looks at me with disdain.
Amy Hunter: He’s just like mhmm, yeah, okay, great day. I was telling him the other day about going to the auto parts store and he was like really?
Captain Brien: What’d you go to the auto parts store for?
Amy Hunter: This is funny. So I needed new windshield wipers, but of course like a normal woman I waited until it was pissing raining to actually go.
Captain Brien: Of course and you’re like damn I can’t see.
Amy Hunter: Everyday I’m like I need new windshield wipers. Then it’s torrential downpour and I’m like oh, shit.
Amy Hunter: Shit just got real. I go to the advanced auto parts store. I get in there, and I am a moron in there. I don’t know what I’m doing. For men it’s like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It was like a scene from Clerks. This guy’s behind the counter, it’s all dusty and gross, I had just come from the gym. I’m like hi, I need new windshield wipers. He’s like okay. I’m like when it goes upward you can’t see. He’s like yeah I’m not a doctor.
Amy Hunter: He’s like what kind of car, I tell him. He’s like what’s the make, what’s the model, what’s the year? I’m like I don’t know the year. He’s like really? I had to go run out in the rain, come back in, whole deal.
Captain Brien: Wait, you did it?
Amy Hunter: I had to go out and find out.
Captain Brien: You had to read the VIN number?
Amy Hunter: No, I just looked at my insurance thing.
Captain Brien: Oh okay.
Amy Hunter: So I get back in and he looks it up. I’m like you don’t just know this by heart? This is all you do. So now I’m judging him, he’s upset.
Captain Brien: Of course, right away.
Amy Hunter: Right away, bam.
Captain Brien: You’re not confrontational though.
Amy Hunter: No, I’m not argumentative.
Captain Brien:No, you’re not argumentative.
Amy Hunter: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.
Captain Brien: No, no this is him, he should’ve totally known every make and model.
Amy Hunter: No smile, no smile, and I’m all doo, doo doo. So he goes okay, they’re size 26 and a size 18. He goes you know, they’re not the same size. I’m like oh like boobs. Just like that. This poor guy. He keeps having a #metoo moment. I literally sexually harassed him in the workplace.
Captain Brien: Yeah, you did.
Amy Hunter: He had this face on that was like either this is an episode of Undercover Boss–
Captain Brien: Right. I’m not supposed to say a damn thing.
Amy Hunter: He didn’t say a damn thing. I was like I’m sorry I made it awkward. I’m just gonna go over here and get my windshield wipers and get outta here.
Captain Brien:He didn’t put them on.
Amy Hunter: Well that’s the other thing. There are signs everywhere that says free installation, free installation, free installation.
Captain Brien: Right, but he didn’t offer.
Amy Hunter: He did not offer and I’m standing there and I’m like hey how do I put these on in the store.
Captain Brien: Oh get outta here!
Amy Hunter: Because I really was gonna do it myself and he’s like well, I guess I can do it. I’m like it is raining, I get it. So he comes out, starts doing it, and he wants to get away from me as fast as possible. He is over me. I got my umbrella and I put it over his head and he was surprised that I’m actually nice. I’m like but you have to work all day. I’m not gonna make you be all wet. I can go home and change. He’s like that was actually very nice. I’m like I swear I’m not a sexual predator.
Captain Brien: Boobs are uneven. They’re not the same size.
Captain Brien: This is true. So wait, there’s two separate sizes?
Amy Hunter: Mm, usually left is bigger.
Captain Brien: No not the boobs the windshield wipers!
Amy Hunter: Yes, of course! Put your windshield wipers up, they’re different sizes, it depends on the car.
Captain Brien: Why is the left bigger than the right?
Amy Hunter: In general on boobs?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Amy Hunter: Cause it’s over your heart.
Captain Brien: Awh.
Amy Hunter: And most people are righties. So you’re using this muscle more. I might be wrong on that part.
Captain Brien: I think you made that up.
Amy Hunter: I think the heart thing’s right.
Amy Hunter: Cause we talked about this.
Captain Brien: Well we learned something new today, guys. See on The Captain’s Log, its amazing.
Amy Hunter: I wanna hear what y’all say. Is it just my boobs? Cause if it’s my boobs I’ll take that.
Captain Brien: Yeah, your left is bigger than the right.
Amy Hunter: I’m not argumentative.
Captain Brien: Not at all.
Amy Hunter: I’m just proving I’m not right now.
Captain Brien: What do you do just pull the strap up more on the right?
Amy Hunter: No, just one hangs out a little bit more.
Captain Brien: Oh, alright.
Captain Brien: That’s good, that’s good.
Amy Hunter: That would be a great business. A bra that you can have two separate size cups.
Captain Brien: It could be a little dialer. You could dial it.
Amy Hunter: Such a man thing.
Captain Brien: You know how they dial it?
Amy Hunter: Like a Nike pump shoe?
Captain Brien: Yeah, when you dial it could get smaller and you could dial and open it up. Then you just put it right on.
Amy Hunter: Would you have a dial where your nipple is?
Captain Brien: No they could be two pieces of material and they dial like this, like that.
Amy Hunter: Such a man. Oh my god, I love you, B, but–
Captain Brien: Like this and like that.
Amy Hunter: Like this? Do you mean in the middle like a dial?
Captain Brien: No, on the cup.
Amy Hunter: You tell me when this comes out, ill try it.
Captain Brien: I’m gonna come up with it.
Amy Hunter: You show me when.
Captain Brien: It’s a million dollar idea. I’m giving it away. It’s freaking ridiculous.
Captain Brien: Everyone’s gonna copy it.
Amy Hunter: I told you that I had a great idea for a bra. It was called the Brocket, and it has a pocket in there for your phone. Someone already made it, but it’s not called the Brocket. That’s on me. I’m told I’m not supposed to put my phone in my bra. Its like bad for boobs.
Captain Brien: Did you get royalties on the Brocket?
Amy Hunter: I did not. Someone had already made it.
Captain Brien: Oh, dammit.
Amy Hunter: I know, I was really pissed.
Captain Brien: You got a little late to the party.
Amy Hunter: I started doing my due diligence. Looking it up, patenting the whole thing, trademark, and it was already there.
Captain Brien: Damn.
Amy Hunter: But they’re probably getting sued cause bras and phones don’t mix.
Captain Brien: What happens if you get one of those phones that overheats? Burns you right the hell off. Gone.
Amy Hunter: Dude. That sounds like my worst nightmare.
Captain Brien: That’s it.
Amy Hunter: Fire nipple, no. I’m good. I already have enough things. I don’t need that.
Captain Brien: It’s like hot milk.
Captain Brien: Hot boob?
Captain Brien: Hot milk. Hot milk. I don’t know.
Captain Brien: Alright, guys. We gotta go.
Amy Hunter: Brien’s killing me. It just got a little real.
Captain Brien: We gotta get outta here. See you later.
Amy Hunter: Bye, see you on Wednesday!
Captain Brien: Watch us tomorrow, come see Amy-
Captain Brien: Out the Hook, Wednesday, later.