Let us introduce you to the very funny Kristina Montouri! Talk about her life in Naples and what to expect from her comedy!
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Check Comedian Kristina Montouri out and show her some love at:
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristinamontuoriwx/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristinamontuori
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/kmontuori
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: Hey guys, we’re back on the Captain’s Log with Kristina Montuori.
Kristina Montouri: Hey.
Captain Brien: How are you, comedian extraordinaire?
Kristina Montouri I’m great, I’m really excited to actually be meeting you in person. I feel like I already know you from all of the Captain’s Logs I watch.
Captain Brien: Have you been watching?
Kristina Montouri Yeah.
Captain Brien: Oh come on, I’ve gotta give you a test then.
Kristina Montouri: You’re so entertaining.
Captain Brien: What’s your favorite?
Kristina Montouri: Oh, I haven’t watched all of them, you know what I mean? Oh man, oh gosh, what’s his name?
Captain Brien: You should put your seat belt on do you have it on?
Kristina Montouri: It’s on. It’s, on, it’s on.
Captain Brien: Oh okay, don’t scare me.
Kristina Montouri: I’m livin’ on the edge with it behind me but I’ll put it right here.
Captain Brien: Everyone will complain, they’ll start messaging us.
Kristina Montouri: I’ll put it here.
Captain Brien: She doesn’t have her seatbelt on. You’re driving dangerous.
Kristina Montouri: That’s alright, I got it. Safety first.
Captain Brien: You’re good, you’re good.
Kristina Montouri: I got it, safety first.
Captain Brien: You’re just tryin to show off.
Kristina Montouri: Pretty much.
Captain Brien: My chef is letting me go. Hey, Chef Gisson, hey. So, how long you been doing comedy?
Kristina Montouri: I’ve been doing comedy for a couple of years performing comedy, but I’ve been writing comedy since forever. I used to be a weather lady, in that the jokes just write themselves, you know.
Captain Brien: So where were you a weather lady?
Kristina Montouri: In Shreveport, Louisiana first. And then Roanoke, Virginia, which is my hometown.
Captain Brien: And what brought you to this area?
Kristina Montouri: This area. So when I was 15, I came with my family to Naples. We had a Groupon for La Playa, actually.
Captain Brien: Really?
Kristina Montouri: And then yeah. And then my dad was always real big into real estate interstate, real estate. So got a couple of spots in Naples Park, we just came back for vacationing and then just this year I decided to fully embrace the nomad lifestyle and just go where the wind blows. Wherever I feel like I wanna be.
Kristina Montouri: So right now I’m right here.
Captain Brien: And you kinda spend the winters right now you’re gonna be like the youngest snow bird ever.
Kristina Montouri: Pretty much. And I’m not exactly a snow bird, I’m going with nomad, because I was just in Atlanta a couple weeks ago. Probably go back, I have a couple shows in Roanoke, Virginia.
Captain Brien: So you’re kind on a road comic.
Kristina Montouri: In a way, yeah.
Captain Brien: That’s the move.
Kristina Montouri: It’s not a set schedule, I kind of just go, I meet people, such as yourself, get shows, have some fun, when it gets dull, move on to the next spot.
Captain Brien: So you are an aspiring full-time, you wanna be a comic on tour, tell me what the struggles are.
Kristina Montouri: The struggles.
Captain Brien: I can tell you how to help. I can help you.
Kristina Montouri: Okay. Right now I’m having so much fun I haven’t really ran into too many struggles other than my own.
Captain Brien: But the big paid gigs obviously are not happening yet. I mean we have a big show coming up March 2nd at Off The Hook and there’s gonna be a bunch of comics, it’s a showcase show, that’d be great. But I mean, you’re not selling out theaters.
Kristina Montouri: Right, right, right. I also haven’t really invested as much time as I probably should’ve to selling out theaters because I’m having too much fun layin around on the beach.
Captain Brien: Is that the thing?
Kristina Montouri: But here’s the thing. I’ve been kind of goin with what feels right, what feels good in the moment, havin fun with my life because I’d spent too much time just doin what everybody else wanted me to do. But it actually put me in the perfect spot cause I don’t know if you remember, about a year ago came down for your Open Mic Competition, right? So I was down here for that. And I was on the beach, just hangin out, I was writing comedy.
Captain Brien: Say hi to Laura. Hey
Kristina Montouri: Hello Laura.
Captain Brien: Hey Bruce, what’s goin on guys, how are ya? Thanks for watchin.
Kristina Montouri: I love it when people tune in.
Captain Brien: Yeah they say hi.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah, hey guys.
Captain Brien: So you were on the beach.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah I was on the beach, just writing, I had I think the caption was zen out. That’s kind of a play on that very ancient quote rock out with your cock out. I think Blondie said that.
Captain Brien: That’s true.
Kristina Montouri: So yeah zen out with my pen out and you saw that, it was on Instagram and you just commented on it. Hey if you’re in town, I’ve got a guest spot tonight, and it was an hour later.
Captain Brien: That’s cool. How did that even happen?
Kristina Montouri: It was the weirdest thing, it was the like the right spot at the right time and I was thinking I’m all sandy, I’ve been at the beach all day. I can’t be at a show in an hour, there’s no way but I’m like you know what, I gotta make it happen. I ran to the beach, so I had to run back, I’m all sweaty, I’m like alright, I gotta be there in 15 minutes, it takes about 15 minutes to get there.
Captain Brien: I didn’t know any of this. You were very quiet about this.
Kristina Montouri: I was actin like it was all chill. And I’m like okay, I have 30 minutes to get there, it takes about 15 minutes to get there, I’m gonna call an Uber so I can get ready in the car. So I get all my stuff, I’m in the car, the window’s down, I’m drying my hair. I didn’t even wash my hair it’s still wet from the beach. I’m drying my hair out the window, gonna get there, I rush in, I’m like I’ll be able to throw some makeup on or look kinda decent when I get in there. I’ll go to the bathroom, chill out. But I get there and Stacey Steele is hosting, meet her, she’s amazing.
Captain Brien: She’s great.
Kristina Montouri: She’s a friend of mine now. So that’s why all this just worked out by itself. She’s like you’re up in five minutes. I’m like, excuse me, what?
Captain Brien: Wait, so I guess I didn’t even know. So how much time did you have at the time?
Kristina Montouri: She gave me I believe ten minutes.
Captain Brien: Ten minutes. But how much material did you have? Did I ask you that?
Kristina Montouri: Did you ask how much material?
Captain Brien: Did I ask you oh are you okay with doin five or ten or something? No I can’t take that call. Sorry guys. I needed to take that call, that was my attorney, but I can’t take it. Alright, so you had how much material?
Kristina Montouri: I have hours of material.
Captain Brien: At the time?
Kristina Montouri: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Everyone says they have hours of material but they really don’t. How much funny material? I could talk for hours too. But how much funny material did you think you had?
Kristina Montouri: At the time, maybe an hour.
Captain Brien: Okay. But you still weren’t headlining. You headline some gigs now, yes?
Kristina Montouri: Yes. I also produce some of my own shows in Roanoke, Virginia. We had one sell out show. It was over 200 people, really fun time.
Captain Brien: Very cool.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah we brought in traveling comedian, his name’s Cliff Cash, really good. Yeah, follow Cliff Cash. He’s an awesome comedian. But he came out to our show to headline. Kinda co-headline.
Captain Brien: Nice. So the future of comedy for you is going to be what?
Kristina Montouri: The future for comedy for me is going to be – it’s hard to say because I’m telling you now, I’m just doing what I wanna do in the moment and seeing where that takes me. Not making any plans. The only plan is to live in the moment.
Captain Brien: She’s independently wealthy, and she doesn’t have to work. Can we get married? Let’s do that now.
Kristina Montouri: I’m a bougie bum. I’m a bougie bum, I’m just
Captain Brien: How does that work?
Kristina Montouri: A bougie bum. No I’m not. I rent my house, Air BnB. And I’ve been hanging with my brother’s house. So that’s how I’ve been funding some things and I have some other investments too.
Captain Brien: Very cool. So as far as your comedy, tell us what we can expect.
Kristina Montouri: What can you expect from my comedy?
Captain Brien: I’ve seen a bunch, but I wanna know what you –
Kristina Montouri: So I have material from – I used to be married, I just got a divorce too, so that’s another thing. It just changed my life completely, just turned it upside down. The Etch-A-Sketch. This cool thing and just shake it all up and now I’m drawin a new thing and I don’t know what it’s gonna be but we’ll figure it out together. My comedy is very real, I do not censor myself, I have –
Captain Brien: Which no comic should.
Kristina Montouri: They shouldn’t but some people do. You know what I mean? I censored myself for one show because it was a really religious crowd and I totally regretted doing that.
Captain Brien: There is scenarios where you’re booked on a show and the opener will be told look, you can’t be super dirty. There’s two reasons why comics don’t want comedians dirty up front. Because a comedian who is clean wants the whole show to be clean. A comedian that’s dirty, wants the whole impact of them being dirty and catching all the jokes that are dirty to them cause they’re the headliner. They don’t want an opener to go up and use a bunch of material that already has the crowd used to being dirty. They want the shock factor of doing that.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah you need to have that flow through the whole show
Captain Brien: Correct.
Kristina Montouri: Whatever vibe you wanna have for each show. Exactly. And I’m glad you brought that up too. So yeah, I think there is offensive and dirty humor and things that you can say in certain ways that do offend people for no reason. And then there are other things that you can say and joke about that kind of challenge people’s current beliefs, it makes them a little bit uncomfortable, but in a good way. You’re never really learnin anything until you’re kind of out of your comfort zone. So the comedians that I aspire to be like are the comedians that say something that you’re not exactly comfortable with in the moment but then you think hey, they had a point.
Captain Brien: And who is that?
Kristina Montouri: I might learn something.
Captain Brien: Who do you like the most?
Kristina Montouri: Anthony Jeselnik.
Captain Brien: Oh, he’s a buddy of mine, he’s great.
Kristina Montouri: If you are offended by what he’s saying it’s probably because it’s a little meta for you. He’s actually not racist, sexist, any of those things. He’s saying things ironically, it’s very intelligent humor.
Kristina Montouri: So that’s what I try to do.
Captain Brien: Out of all the comedians that are touring right now, he’s pretty much the only one that can get away with that.
Kristina Montouri: Oh yeah. Yeah he’s great. And then Nikki Glaser does sexual humor in a very intelligent way also.
Captain Brien: Yup, Nikki’s great. The first time I had Nikki, she opened for Amy Schumer. That was a hell of a show.
Kristina Montouri: I just read Amy Scumer’s book and that was a great book.
Captain Brien: I have not. And I won’t cause I don’t read a lot.
Kristina Montouri: She’s a very interesting person.
Captain Brien: I just don’t.
Kristina Montouri: I listen to audio books, honestly.
Captain Brien: I really don’t.
Kristina Montouri: I listen to audio books more than anything. But back to the sexual humor. I don’t tell dirty jokes, I tell sexual jokes, because sex is not dirty. It’s a human thing, and I think keeping something in the dark and hiding it actually is kind of dangerous. Kids are going to figure it out whether you like it or not, so you can either be open about it and admit that it’s a normal human thing, or you can let them navigate through Pornhub and figure it out themselves. And it’s probably not gonna be the right thing.
Captain Brien: Right. They’re gonna venture across something that probably isn’t a traditional technique.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah. When I was a kid I was sheltered, so this is kinda coming from a personal past. My parents did not speak of sex at all. It was just you did not talk about it. Which of course, what are you gonna do when you can’t talk about something? You’re gonna be very interested in it.
Captain Brien: You’re gonna be interested.
Kristina Montouri: Oh my gosh.
Captain Brien: So you’re very sexually active. Ladies and gentlemen, she’s extremely horny on the Captain’s Log, we appreciate that, and she’s gonna be on stage, you can come see her March 2nd. Don’t miss her. No, I’m just kidding.
Kristina Montouri: I am 30, that means hormonally I’m basically a 17-year-old boy.
Captain Brien: Does that work that way?
Kristina Montouri: My doctor says.
Captain Brien: They all say that, but does it really kick in at 30?
Kristina Montouri: Well I’m also recently divorced so it could just be like party time.
Captain Brien: You’re on the party train.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah, I’m on the no pun intended. Or was it?
Captain Brien: That’s funny. So 30 is the magic number or what or was it gradual? Or was it the divorce and it went right to the moon?
Kristina Montouri: It was probably more the divorce. It was just like I don’t know –
Captain Brien: How long were you married?
Kristina Montouri: I was married for eight years.
Captain Brien: Eight years.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah, I got married young.
Captain Brien: Really?
Kristina Montouri: I got married at 22.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Kristina Montouri: Because my family was very you gotta save it for marriage, you gotta save it for marriage. And there were a couple times where I didn’t save it for marriage. But overall –
Captain Brien: Throughout the marriage?
Kristina Montouri: What do you mean throughout the marriage? Overall –
Captain Brien: You didn’t save it for just for him while you were married?
Kristina Montouri: No, no, no, no, no.
Kristina Montouri: I can’t understand why you’re not married any more. I meant before, before, before.
Captain Brien: Oh, okay, okay I was confused. Sorry, sorry, I was confused.
Kristina Montouri: When you’re younger, you wanna do what your family thinks is the right thing so I went to Catholic school, and they were like Jesus doesn’t want you to have sex unless it’s in the butt and that’s the loophole.
Captain Brien: So you got married at 22 but you were sexually active at what age?
Kristina Montouri: Oh, 19. But it was only those couple of times.
Captain Brien: Was it with the same guy or no?
Kristina Montouri: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Really?
Kristina Montouri: So you married your not high school sweetheart, but close to it? Oh yeah.
Captain Brien: So yeah. So that’s another reason why I think people need to relax a little bit. I married a great guy. Stand up guy, I highly recommend him to anyone who’s looking for a husband
Captain Brien: Did you get half his shit?
Kristina Montouri: No.
Captain Brien: What do you mean no? How does that happen?
Kristina Montouri: I know, my lawyer said I was stupid.
Captain Brien: How do I do that?
Kristina Montouri: Here’s the thing, we both had our own shit because –
Captain Brien: Okay, so you came carrying groceries, and you guys both left with goodie bags.
Kristina Montouri: We both left with our own goodie bags.
Captain Brien: Okay, okay.
Kristina Montouri: Yes, we both were fine. I could’ve gotten alimony and all that other stuff but I just thought that was bullshit, you know?
Captain Brien: Because you didn’t work through your marriage?
Kristina Montouri: I did.
Captain Brien: So how are you gonna still?
Kristina Montouri: At the time, I had just quit my job. I had just decided to change my life completely. I quit my job as a weatherwoman.
Captain Brien: Cause you don’t have any kids.
Kristina Montouri: No kids, no kids.
Captain Brien: Yeah, so you’re free.
Kristina Montouri: Very free.
Captain Brien: You’re not married, you’re free, you’re just humpin all around Florida right now.
Captain Brien: Anything you can do you’re just – she’s available guys, she’s available. Just hit her up and go ahead give your Instagram and your Facebook if you’d like for sure.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah my Instagram and Facebook both just my name, Kristina Montuori.
Captain Brien: You gotta spell Montuori, cause there’s no way I could spell it.
Kristina Montouri: M-O-N-T-U-O-R-I. And I’m tagged at the top of this post.
Captain Brien: Yeah exactly, yeah you could just follow her.
Kristina Montouri: So you can just click that and follow it, find it on Instagram, the whole thing. I just gotta be a real person, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me anymore, I’m good with myself, and you notice I don’t do the makeup thing anymore. Last time you saw me I was getting makeup on in the Uber with my hair out the window.
Captain Brien: Right, so now you’re au naturelle Kristina.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah, and you know what? I get way more attention without the makeup. I don’t know if guys are like I don’t know, she looks like she could be homeless, I should probably tak her home.
Captain Brien: Maybe they feel –
Kristina Montouri: She’s a mess, she’s a mess.
Captain Brien: Maybe you seem more achievable now.
Kristina Montouri: More achievable?
Captain Brien: That’s what it is. They’re like she doesn’t do herself all up, she seems down to Earth, I’m able to meet her now.
Kristina Montouri: I’ve been meeting a lot –
Captain Brien: Cause if you’re all done to the nines, the guy’s gonna be like damn, well I gotta freakin go and shower before I say hi out there.
Kristina Montouri: Yes. And you meet a different type of person. You meet the kind of people that are all about appearance, and I’ve gotta impress everyone, and I’m not really about that. I just got used to wearing makeup because it was part of my job, you know?
Captain Brien: What’s the best date?
Captain Brien: Your ultimate date.
Kristina Montouri: Best date?
Captain Brien: When a guy meets you, what do they need to do? Take you out, where?
Kristina Montouri: Oh man, the beach.
Captain Brien: The beach.
Captain Brien: Get that sunset.
Kristina Montouri: I’m a sucker for a sunset.
Captain Brien: You gonna wear a bikini?
Kristina Montouri: If it’s warm enough, yeah.
Captain Brien: She wears a bikini, guys. How can you say no?
Kristina Montouri: Who doesn’t?
Captain Brien: Is it a string bikini or is it like a onesie?
Kristina Montouri: Jesus Christ.
Captain Brien: Come on, they need to know. I’m here just dealing out the information.
Kristina Montouri: Here’s the thing, I do wear a two-piece, because it just makes sense because I have a very long torso. My chair is actually lower to the mat
Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re tall.
Kristina Montouri: Cause if I sit up I’m touching the ceiling right now and it’s my torso. I’m a great swimmer because of that, actually.
Captain Brien: That is true, because you are like –
Kristina Montouri: It’s all torso. Sitting down I’m very tall.
Captain Brien: You’re an inch shorter than me but you’re literally taller than me right now.
Kristina Montouri: Yeah, I’m actually kind of leaning so I can get in your shot.
Captain Brien: We should’ve traded torsos, I could’ve been taller. Damn it.
Kristina Montouri: I wish I had a –
Captain Brien: I got a short torso, maybe.
Kristina Montouri: That’s the way to be though. Everyone’s like oh she’s got legs for days. No one’s like look at that torso boo.
Captain Brien: Oh, is that what it is?
Kristina Montouri: No one cares about a torso.
Captain Brien: But then the stomach goes for days.
Kristina Montouri: It’s nice, cause I can gain a lot of weight and it kinda evens out, there’s not a belly there.
Kristina Montouri: It distributes it.
Captain Brieni: It’s distribution,
Kristina Montouri: More, more room to – and then you have the thick legs cause they’re short, right? So then if you’re ever not feeling confident, you just walk through a group.
Kristina Montouri: Don’t guys want thick girls these days?
Kristina Montouri: I don’t know what guys want.
Captain Brien: I don’t think you’re thick, you’re very thin.
Kristina Montouri: Everybody wants –
Captain Brien: But isn’t that a thing? It’s not for me. Not a big thick girl.
Kristina Montouri: No? It’s whatever you want, you know? And a lot of people are all about the whole a real woman’s got this or a real woman’s got that. I’m like, we’re all real, we’re all breathing and walking, just be a healthy person. It doesn’t really matter.
Captain Brien: And loving and caring and sincere and honest.
Kristina Montouri: Yes.
Captain Brien: What about all those?
Kristina Montouri: Those are good too, you know?
Captain Brien: At the beach in a bikini those go out the window, though.
Kristina Montouri: Then you could be a complete asshole as long as you look good. That’s the moral of the story.
Captain Brien: So the guy’s gotta take you to the beach, what else does he have to do?
Kristina Montouri: Gosh, you gotta open up.
Captain Brien: Gotta open up.
Kristina Montouri: Oh man, I love being real.
Captain Brien: The wallet or the mind?
Kristina Montouri: Mind. Actually I have a strict policy. I pay for my own things.
Captain Brien: You do?
Kristina Montouri: On especially a first date, yes. Because I don’t like people to have expectations. They think you owe them something cause they bought you dinner.
Captain Brien: Right, so you wanna make sure you’re in control.
Kristina Montouri: Yes. I like being in control.
Captain Brien: 2019 the ladies are in the driver’s seat.
Kristina Montouri: I hate being told what to do, I absolutely hate being told what to do, unless I’m naked.
Captain Brien: Wow.
Kristina Montouri: I’m a dom in the streets and a sub in the sheets.
Captain Brien: I got you, I got you. Okay, okay. You guys might wanna know that, there you go. You can DM her at any time.
Kristina Montouri: Please don’t. I don’t answer my DMs.
Captain Brien: I know, for real. How many you must have
Kristina Montouri: You can follow and you can comment.
Captain Brien: That’s right.
Kristina Montouri: I’ll hit you up in the comments but –
Captain Brien: Yeah, you could be a fan, and you could buy tickets to the show, right? Off the Hook Comedy club March 2nd.
Kristina Montouri: March 2nd and since it’s sexual it’s a later show, right?
Captain Brien: It’s a 10:30 show at Richie La La, I think Eric Myers is on that show, you’re on the show, probably Carl and Stacey might be on that show.
Kristina Montouri: Hell yeah.
Captain Brien: It’s gonna be a great show and a big line up. So everyone gets to do about 15 minutes so that’ll be fun. Maybe 20.
Kristina Montouri: Sounds good. Maybe 20. Alright, I could do that. I’m pumped about that. That’s my problem.
Captain Brien: But thank you for doing my podcast today, this is the Captain’s Log, and you’re a fan, so now –
Kristina Montouri: I’m a huge fan.
Captain Brien: You’re gonna have to tell everyone that you did the show, it’s amazing.
Kristina Montouri: I will definitely do it. I will share it.
Captain Brien: The same show that Kevin Hart did. You did it. Now you’re movin up on the ladder.
Kristina Montouri: Movin up in the world. So Kevin Hart was sittin right here?
Captain Brien: Kevin Hart was sittin actually –
Kristina Montouri: Where was his torso? Where was his torso at?
Captain Brien: He’s short as hell.
Kristina Montouri: I know. I love him.
Captain Brien: But actually we did a whole show during the day and I even did an interview on the stage with him back at the club. So yeah, but he had eight people in the car when we went to do radio. Cause I usually do it with comedians on the way to press. So our press day will include while I’m driving me talking to them because they can’t run away and say no. So it’s good, I have a captive audience.
Kristina Montouri: Have you had a favorite, or just a favorite type of interview?
Captain Brien: Man, I did one with Bert Kreischer and it literally melted the whole computer.
Captain Brien: For an hour and a half we just had what I thought was gold. I hit save, I was ready to freakin upload it, and my whole Imac literally just died. I lost all of the material.
Kristina Montouri: No.
Captain Brien: And he just told that story on Mike Calta’s show last week cause he was in town. He sold out the whole theater, Bert’s on fire. He’s so great. Everything he does is a party. So the podcast was just great. But I’ve had some amazing guests. Not only in comedy. We do a lot of different things, and a lot of it is me and it’s the Captain’s Log because it’s like my daily journeys. So I’ll do all different things. It’s not just – it could be entrepreneurial, it could be my health, my whatever. Personal issues or personal achievements, it could be – so it’s just a whole mix of stuff. So every day it’s kinda something different. I try to do it every day but I had launched my own vodka brand and I introduced a gin and a rum and a dark rum.
Kristina Montouri: What’s it called?
Captain Brien: Captain Brien’s.
Kristina Montouri: It’s called Captain Brien’s.
Captain Brien: Yes. So that’s keeping me super busy, which it’s actually cutting into my podcasting hours.
Kristina Montouri: Well now I can actually have a Captain and Coke that I enjoy
Captain Brien: You can have the Captain all the time.
Kristina Montouri: cause I’m not all about Capatin Morgan.
Kristina Montouri: This is the best news all day.
Captain Brien: I have dark rum and light rum.
Captain Brien: Alright Kristina, thank you so much.
Kristina Montouri: Thank you.
Captain Brien: I appreciate you being my guest today. Don’t miss her guys, at Off the Hook Comedy Club. We are out and I’m goin to Sarasota tomorrow so I’m gonna take you guys with me. Tune in, we’ll see ya live.