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On this episode of The Captain’s Log, Dr. Daller and Captain Brien break it down and list all the signs your partner may be showing if they are cheating on you!

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SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE / SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS CHEATING ON YOU

1. IMPROVED APPEARANCE
   • Your S.O. suddenly starts exercising and eating healthier
   • They begin wearing new/different/nicer clothing
   • They start wearing new/different perfume/cologne
   • They become preoccupied with how their body looks, or how well-kept their body hair is
   • Overall grooming habits have changed
2. SECRETIVE PHONE / COMPUTER USE
   • Cheaters tend to use their phones & computers more frequently than before & guard them as if their lives depend on it
   • Your partner’s phone and/or computer now has a password on it, or the password has changed
   • They suddenly start deleting texts and clearing their browsing history
   • They secretly bring their phone to the bathroom
   • They flat out refuse to let you view their phone when asked
3. CHANGES IN YOUR SEX LIFE / EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
   • There is considerably less intimacy or connection in your relationship
   • Your sex life is practically non-existent OR there are a lot of new things being introduced into your sex life
   • You learn that you have an STD but have never strayed
4. SUDDEN CHANGE IN ATTITUDE / HABITS
   • The words “I love you” are not spoken any longer
   • You can’t even get your mate to communicate or even fight with you
   • Avoidance / deflection
     • your partner avoids confrontation at all costs (especially when asked about cheating)
     • He/she doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore
     • They seem more secretive than usual
   • New lingo (that they may have picked up from their other lover)
   • Your partner is hostile toward you and your relationship (because they are projecting their own fears and insecurities on you)
   • They suddenly become lazy, especially around the house
   • They don’t show any jealousy about you no matter what you do or say
   • You notice they have been lying to you about even the simplest things
   • They get unusually defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs
   • Their friends are being weird
5. ALTERATIONS IN SCHEDULE
   • They pick up a new hobby that requires a few hours of commitment each day
   • They are working longer hours at work
   • There are prolonged periods of time where your significant other is unreachable
6. UNEXPLAINED EXPENSES
   • There are odd charges on your partner’s credit cards
   • There is suddenly less money in your or your partner’s bank account(s)
   • You see large cash withdrawals or evidence of purchases from places you rarely or never go
   • Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you

*WHAT TO DO IF YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING

• Make a pros and cons list
  • While this may seem trivial, it’ll help you view things through a new perspective
• Seek out supportive friends
  • Finding people in your life that are supportive and willing to give you advice is an important and mature action to take
  • This will reduce the risk of you isolating yourself and suffering in silence
• Write down everything you’re thinking
  • While this may sound unnecessary, putting everything down on paper can help organize your thoughts and help you better understand exactly what you want to do and say when you talk to your partner
  • If you confront your partner, it’s a good idea to establish beforehand what you want them to know and what you want to know from them – especially if you are the type of person who lets your emotions get the best of you
    • when our body is flooded with adrenaline for example, we lose the ability to use some of the more complex thinking skills as our body goes into survival mode, thus reducing our thinking capacity. There’s nothing wrong in taking a list with you – it’s 100% normal for our thinking to be affected when we are managing intense emotions!
  • Let your partner know you want to talk
    • There may never be the “perfect” time to confront someone you love about their possible infidelity; however, you need to be explicit about wanting to talk because waiting for the right moment is just an avoidance strategy
  • Have “the” conversation in a supportive, safe environment
    • Confronting your partner about your suspicious that they’re cheating is a VERY intense and uncomfortable thing to do. For this reason, you should make sure you and your partner feel safe when having such a difficult conversation
    • Think of somewhere you would both feel safe so that your energies can go into communicating, feeling and being. You may feel comfort in a busy place because your partner is less likely to have an out-burst, or you may want somewhere private and quiet to help you focus

**WHAT NOT TO DO IF YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING

• DO NOT snoop his/her social media accounts
  • Hacking into someone’s accounts is a total violation of privacy. And it’s illegal!
  • Besides, if you do find some dirt, you’d have to disclose how you found it – which will possibly further ruin the relationship as well as a friendship
• DO NOT read through his phone records
  • If you are having concerns, be mature enough to talk with him about the specific behavior(s) that are causing you to doubt his/her integrity. If you still can’t trust them, don’t date them!
• DO NOT bottle up your feelings
  • Keeping your thoughts to yourself can be one of the worst things to do if you have suspicious
    • Whether it’s a friend, family member, or even a mental health professional, it’s important to talk to someone about how you’re feeling
  • What happens when we do this, is that we ask the questions AND answer the questions ourselves; both the question and answer we provide are massively influenced by the fear or suspicious – so there can only be one outcome. You think cheating, you confirm cheating. If you isolate yourself with this, it can manifest into other things causing you inability to enjoy your relationship because you’re always emotionally on-guard
• DO NOT seek support from people who participate in unhealthy relationships
  • Although we want to seek the advice to those closest to us, sometimes those people aren’t the right ones to reach out to. Seeking support from those who participate in unhealthy relationships or communication styles will not help you react appropriately, even if they will reassure you and make you feel better
• DO NOT confront your partner while under the influence
  • Liquid courage isn’t always a good thing. Confronting your partner about your cheating suspicious while drunk will not be a productive conversation for either of you, and might even lead to someone saying something they can’t take back
  • Whilst in the drunken moment, this can seem like a genius idea, but we lose the ability to stay grounded and to have fluid thought process. Our ability to emotionally regulate ourselves takes a huge turn which means the conversation also may take a whole new direction that you never meant to happen in the first place

IN CONCLUSION

It is vital not to jump to conclusions as it can jeopardize a valuable relationship over what may be unfounded anxieties. Whether you are right about the cheating or not, the important thing is that you make the effort to talk to your partner about how things are going and what they are thinking so that you are always on the same page. Things might not always be perfect, but they can be strong.