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Captain Brien dives in deep to find out the reason behind Hank’s special show : Pay Teacher’s More Money. Hank talks about Puerto Rican’s and the very delicious Coquito drink. Is it Egg Nogg? Watch to find out.
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PODCAST RECAP
Miss something on one of our episodes of the #naplescaptainslog? Don’t worry we got you covered! Here you will find a full transcript from this episode of the #naplescaptainslog!
Captain Brien: I’m back on the Captain’s Log! Comedian Hank Denson. What’s going on?
Hank Denson: Brum brum brum!
Captain Brien: Dude, you’re like a rockstar, paying teachers more money all over the country.
Hank Denson: No, I’m not paying them no money. Don’t say that. Don’t say that I’m paying them more money.
Captain Brien: We’re trying to get teachers more money.
Hank Denson: We’re trying to get ’em more money. We’re trying to get ’em more support. There it is, hashtag, there it is, boom.
Captain Brien:That’s your big thing.
Hank Denson: Yeah, it’s Teacher Relief Live, man. I had to change the name of Teacher Relief Live because it was making administrators nervous. I got kicked out a school here in Fort Myers.
Captain Brien: Did you?
Hank Denson: Yeah, last time I was–
Captain Brien: Why? Were you trying to go to school?
Hank Denson: The teachers had invited me and the vice principal said it was okay, but the principal shut it down. Put me out.
Captain Brien: Right out?
Hank Denson: Yeah, and I had supplies. I had stuff. I had stuff to give to the teachers.
Captain Brien: Give them freebies?
Hank Denson: Yeah, and they were like, get out of here, peace, buddy. And then they called. The principal called.
Captain Brien: Now you tell me. You didn’t tell me that before I booked you. Now you tell me.
Captain Brien: Now you want to tell me you got kicked out of schools in Fort Myers.
Hank Denson: No, man, they love me here, man. I love the teachers here. They’re amazing. They’re gonna be here tonight. But no, what happened-
Captain Brien: A lot of teachers do, it’s amazing.
Hank Denson: Orange count, orange something. But the teacher’s not there no more, and the principal, hmm.
Captain Brien: What happened?
Hank Denson: It’s, they just, the culture. One thing– the culture of schools are based on how the principal and stuff is. You know, the principal sets the culture. If the principal’s messed up, then the culture’s bad for the school and it’s bad for the students, so.
Captain Brien: Well, I think that the–
Hank Denson: He’s got a light that says live on air!
Captain Brien: It is, it’s live. But the sunlight is so bright right now you can’t tell the sign’s not lit up.
Hank Denson: You should do this at night, though.
Captain Brien: I tried doing it at night, I had to put three different lights in.
Hank Denson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Then it’s the opposite, it’s too dark.
Hank Denson: All right, so look, let me tell you all right here, watching me. Don’t watch me unless you’re sharing it. I need you to tap the screen and share it.
Captain Brien: Say hi.
Hank Denson: Yeah, I don’t need it, tap the screen, let me know you’re here, hit the notifications right there–
Captain Brien: Tell us what town you’re watching from, that’s better, right?
Hank Denson: Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah!
Captain Brien: And then–
Hank Denson: Do you say hi to the people? What’s up, I’m Jason Jones.
Captain Brien: I say hi, sometimes, yeah. Big Mama, with that speech, we’re coming to see you right now.
Hank Denson: Okay, okay.
Captain Brien: 103.9.
Hank Denson: We’re not going, let’s not go there.
Captain Brien: We just pulled out of the Freak Show on I Heart Radio.
Hank Denson: Yes.
Captain Brien: 105.5, the Beat.
Hank Denson: Brum, brum.
Captain Brien: Head over to Beasley and chill with Big Mama and the Wild Bunch.
Hank Denson: So now you have to get a shave, now you make sure you have it nice–
Captain Brien: I have to do everything–
Hank Denson: You get your hair, you got your–
Captain Brien: I need more hair, though.
Hank Denson: You’ve got your product on.
Captain Brien: I need hair like you.
Hank Denson: Yeah. Let me tell you ’bout this hair, bro.
Captain Brien: Give me some of that.
Hank Denson: Dude, you don’t want this.
Captain Brien: It’s nice, though.
Hank Denson: It’ll mess up your tax bracket. Your credit score’ll drop, you don’t need this hair.
Hank Denson: Yo, if y’all not drinking Brien’s liquor, man, y’all need to go get a bottle now, do some day time drinking.
Captain Brien: And I’m excited, because this week the new white rum and the gin got approved, so we are about ten days away from that hitting the shelves. Be great. ‘Cause those all organic, all natural, gluten free, sugar free.
Hank Denson: Yes.
Captain Brien: Except the white rum is not sugar free.
Hank Denson: It’s not?
Captain Brien: But it’s made with organic brown sugar.
Hank Denson: Nobody believes in any of your shit you’re saying.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it is!
Hank Denson: No.
Captain Brien: It is, we’re gonna send out a promo code. It’s not on the label.
Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re lying! You lyin’!
Captain Brien: So we’re in Fort Myers, what are, you’ve been here now three times, right?
Hank Denson: Been four. So, I came two times for the teacher show. Mike Epps, and then I came for the EMS convention.
Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hank Denson: Yeah, so the EMS workers, y’all come out too. The EMS convention.
Captain Brien: Nice.
Hank Denson: Yeah, so. It’s time, man, c’mon, man.
Captain Brien: So what’s the big move, are you gonna talk about your podcast coming up?
Hank Denson: So the podcast coming up is called Sneakers Unplugged. You’ll see all the advertising and marketing for it come out next month during March Madness. We’re pushing that. Teacher Relief Live is working on a Hulu, I ain’t supposed to be saying all this, Hulu and Netflix–
Captain Brien: Talk to the Captain, there’s no one watching this.
Hank Denson: Hulu, Netflix deal. But I’mma share this. Hulu, Netflix deal, I’m excited about it. I have 15 cities, right now I’m at 10 cities. I’m pushing 20 cities, going to do the west coast tour soon. I’m excited.
Captain Brien: That’s great.
Hank Denson: Yeah, and I’m still on daytime TV on NBC.
Captain Brien: And you had a big hit on freakin’ Facebook.
Hank Denson: Whoa, wait a minute, so all my mi gente Puerto Rican boricua, bum-bum-bum-bum, wepa! We had a–
Captain Brien: What did you just say, just now?
Hank Denson: I just said a bunch of stuff that they say.
Captain Brien: Yeah, no idea.
Hank Denson: Yeah. So, basically what it is, I had a videos, 2.4, five million, almost, it’s five million, about coquita, which is a, base, kind of a Puerto Rican-
Captain Brien: What’s your specialty recipe? Let me hear the recipe?
Hank Denson: Oh, the, what’s in it?
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: Can’t tell you.
Captain Brien: C’mon.
Hank Denson: Puerto Ricans don’t like for me to tell.
Captain Brien: Dude!
Hank Denson: I tell ’em, they don’t.
They say egg nog, but there’s no egg nog in, there’s no egg in it.
Hank Denson: It’s coconut milk.
Hank Denson: All’s it is is sugar and sugar and more sugar.
Hank Denson: No, there’s no sugar!
Captain Brien:- Dude, it’s condensed milk.
Captain Brien:- Condensed milk.
Captain Brien: Evaporated milk.
Hank Denson: You’re using the leche kind, the leche, the Goya leche kind, it’s not as much sugar. But there’s less sugar than egg nog.
Captain Brien: What, I don’t know.
Hank Denson: There’s less sugar than the egg nog, man, I promise you. There’s less sugar.
Captain Brien: Sugar, egg nog is just all egg, dude.
Hank Denson: Dude, no, I promise. And egg nog, I’m lactose ignorant, so–
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: I drink egg nog and I’m
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s rough, huh?
Hank Denson: Aw, yeah.
Captain Brien: Egg nog’ll tear you up.
Hank Denson: Do you use a Squatty Potty?
Captain Brien: I had one. I had a Squatty Potty, but I never used it. I only used it twice.
Hank Denson: I fell off of mine–
Captain Brien: I just fell into the commercial, I just love the commercial so much, I was like, I’ll take one.
Hank Denson: I fell off of mine.
Captain Brien: You did?
Hank Denson: Yeah!
Captain Brien: You’re not supposed to sit on the Squatty, you’re supposed to sit on the potty!
Hank Denson: You sit on the toilet and then I didn’t have no toilet paper and I had laid my pants down. And I tried to jump off of it.
Captain Brien: And it tipped?
Hank Denson: And I tipped and I fell.
Captain Brien: Oh, my God.
Hank Denson: My wife was like, what are you doing? I’m like–
Captain Brien: Was it before or after the wipe?
Hank Denson: Yo! My wife was helping me wipe. It’s none of y’all’s business.
Captain Brien: That’s funny.
Hank Denson: Yeah, so–
Captain Brien: You make your coquito, and you make it yourself? You make it yourself?
Hank Denson: Yeah, I make it myself.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Hank Denson: I’ve been making it for 15 years now.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Hank Denson: So it’s a staple in my family, ’cause my cousins are Puerto Rican and my nephews and stuff like that, their mom–
Captain Brien: You’re not Puerto Rican.
Hank Denson: No, but my family–
Captain Brien: So you get a free pass?
Hank Denson: Yeah, you’re right. Well, I know all the foods, the culture I grew up, see, one thing about being, you’re east coast.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: So one thing about being east coast, you grew up with Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Russians, everything. So you take into the culture.
Captain Brien: They gave you a pass.
Hank Denson: I got a pass, I got a pass, man.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: I got a pass.
Captain Brien: I’m not trying to get one–
Hank Denson: You’re not going to get, no.
Captain Brien: Really?
Hank Denson: Nah, you almost look Puerto Rican, though. Just a little bit darker.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: Yeah, and then you have to get that different fade.
Captain Brien: Sometimes I use the emojis that aren’t the white guy emojis, I use the next color. And then people, either they’re like, okay, or they’re like, damn, dude, that’s too dark. I’m like, I got a tan that day.
Hank Denson: Nah, dude, man, I’m telling you, brown is where it’s at, man.
Captain Brien: Sometimes.
Hank Denson: Brown is it. That’s why the muscle dudes who work out.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: They put tanner on.
Captain Brien: Have you ever seen those tanners? The people that do it?
Hank Denson: Oh they spray you in a chamber, yeah? Yeah.
Captain Brien: Oh my God, that’s not even tan, they just literally airbrush you brown.
Hank Denson: It’s actually orange, it’s never really brown. My wife got sprayed for some of it, she was doing a fashion show and she had almost had it on her hands. Like on her palms–
Captain Brien: Oh, yeah, and it stains?
Hank Denson: Yeah, it stains, it looks crazy.
Captain Brien: You gotta do the, you’ve gotta put on this blocker when you do it, like if you get a spray tan, you gotta put on the blocker.
Hank Denson: Oh you have to?
Captain Brien: On the nails, on your hands.
Hank Denson: Oh yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: Dude, man. Let me ask you something, and I wanted to always ask you this, is why do they call you Captain Brien?
Captain Brien: ‘Cause I’m a US Coast Guard Captain.
Hank Denson: Are you really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I used to have ten boats at Marco Island.
Hank Denson: Shut up, no! No, are you serious?
Captain Brien: Yeah, dude!
Hank Denson: I can Google this information?
Captain Brien: Yes, Satisfaction Guaranteed Fishing Charters. I started the company in 1998 and I sold it in 2012.
Hank Denson: Really?
Captain Brien: Or 2011. Yeah, dude.
Hank Denson: I did not know, like, ’cause everybody’s like, call him Captain Brien, I’m like, I ain’t seen–
Captain Brien: I’m a real Captain, I’m a real US Coast Guard Captain.
Hank Denson: I haven’t seen that one boat. I’m like, all the years–
Captain Brien: Hey, Jen, up in Boston, what’s going on.
Hank Denson: Oh, yeah, Jen Eppolito, hey, are you part of the Eppolito Pizza people?
Captain Brien: No, but that’s my good friend, the Eppolitos.
Hank Denson: ‘Cause they have Eppolito Pizza in Atlanta and it is good as hell.
Captain Brien: I don’t think so. But I, they’re from Boston, but I think–
Hank Denson: They’re from Boston, where they park the car at Harvard, yo.
Captain Brien: They can probably make some good pizza, I’m sure.
Hank Denson: Yeah, yeah. I’m from Springfield.
Captain Brien: Yeah?
Hank Denson: Springfield, Massachusetts.
Captain Brien: I actually didn’t know that. How did I not know?
Hank Denson: ‘Cause you don’t, you don’t really talk to me a much as you talk to me right here.
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Hank Denson: Let me let y’all know something about Captain Brien–
Captain Brien: This is the worst–
Hank Denson: Captain Brien has started talking more, he’s been talking to people more and more since he had this thing. Now, before, he would just say, hey, he would take me to get a lobster roll, all right, peace, he don’t even make–
Captain Brien: You got a lobster roll out of me, some guys don’t even.
Hank Denson: ‘Cause you loved it, cause you wanted it.
Captain Brien: You got clam strips, lobster rolls, onion rings.
Hank Denson: I clocked you at–
Captain Brien: Mashed potato whoopie pie.
Hank Denson: Yeah, you did, you did.
Captain Brien: See, dude, don’t be underestimating it.
Hank Denson: Yeah, he did hook me up.
Captain Brien: Playing it off like I didn’t treat him to some nice–
Hank Denson: Now I got–
Captain Brien: Now you’re hooked on that.
Hank Denson: Yeah, now I come down here with my son, I’ve gotta spend a hundred dollars on lobster rolls.
Captain Brien: It is delicious.
Hank Denson: Ahh, it is, man. But I didn’t know you were a real captain.
Captain Brien: Yes.
Hank Denson: I can’t take that, ’cause everybody asked.
Captain Brien: Don’t you read my bio, yes, I’m a real captain, I wrote right on that.
Hank Denson: No, I see you, I just watch you doing your little fake bike rides in the morning. I’m like, he ain’t riding a bike!
Captain Brien: There’s nothing fake about that.
Hank Denson: I was like, why is the background not moving?
Captain Brien: C’mon, now, I do ride it, I ride out on that bike. And you know what? I ride out on the bike, I have a track.
Hank Denson: Okay.
Captain Brien: And at track they have this membership thing where you buy it.
Hank Denson: Uh-huh.
Captain Brien: And they put on new tubes and new tires when you need ’em.
Hank Denson: Oh really?
Captain Brien: And they, yeah, you just pay like a one time fee or something.
Hank Denson: Okay.
Captain Brien: And so, I brought the thing back three times and all three times they’re like, your tires are ready to get replaced. I’m like, there’s nothing left. When do I get my damn free tires?
Hank Denson: So, it’s free? Oh, so they’re waiting for you to bust a tire.
Captain Brien: Basically you need–
Hank Denson: Or flip off the bike.
Captain Brien: You need threads showing out the tire before they give you new tires on that deal.
Hank Denson: See, that’s–
Captain Brien: They don’t tell you that.
Hank Denson: That’s rich people problems.
Captain Brien: Right?
Hank Denson: What I do is just steal somebody else’s bike.
Captain Brien: You just borrow it?
Hank Denson: I just steal somebody else, I just take somebody else’s bike.
Captain Brien: You ever stole a bike?
Hank Denson: Yeah, twice.
Captain Brien: No!
Hank Denson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: What happened?
Hank Denson: Well, outside the candy shop, there’s a candy stop that we used to grow up around, it’s called Knorr’s in Springfield.
Captain Brien: Like, someone’s bike that you didn’t know?
Hank Denson: Yeah and it was, yeah. And the kid left his bike, I knew his brother. I knew his brother couldn’t beat me up, so what I did was, after we got our candy, me and my brother, my cousin didn’t wanna walk back, so we just took his bike.
Captain Brien: And then what, you left it at his house?
Hank Denson: We left it down the street from his house.
Captain Brien: That’s like a nice steal.
Hank Denson: Yeah, and then the other bike we stole, I shouldn’t even be telling y’all this. All right, so I’mma tell y’all this story.
Captain Brien: It’s already past it.
Hank Denson: Don’t incriminate me but I didn’t steal the bike, it was a motorcycle.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Hank Denson: My cousins in Brooklyn, this is what they used to do. They used to get, they used to steal motorcycles.
Captain Brien: A distributor calling me.
Hank Denson: Why do people call when you’re doing live?
Captain Brien: People do, and they’ll text me, oh, you’re live right now?
Hank Denson: So my cousins–
Captain Brien: I’m like, yeah, no.
Hank Denson: Different parts of the- cousins. Used to steal motorcycles. So what they would do is, and one of my cousins, he got in trouble for it. What they would do was, they would get a helmet and they would go downtown and then they would wait for somebody to come out to get on their motorcycle and they would hit him in the head with a helmet and they would take their motorcycle.
Captain Brien: What? That’s thug stealing. That’s real.
Hank Denson: Yep.
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Hank Denson: That’s why I’m such a nice guy now. I don’t–
Captain Brien: You stopped doing that? Or that wasn’t–
Hank Denson: I was just young, I was young, I was like a teenager, I didn’t know no better.
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Hank Denson: They used to steal Chinese food from the Chinese food place.
Captain Brien: I don’t think I, I never stole anything.
Hank Denson: You don’t have to.
Captain Brien: No but I just–
Hank Denson: You never had to.
Captain Brien: I didn’t, I just was so worried.
Hank Denson: I know your mom and dad, they look like they’re good providers.
Captain Brien: They’re good, they, yeah.
Hank Denson: My parents were good providers but, I used to get around my cousins, man, they used to just do stuff. Used to make us steal Chinese food, we would order two General Tso’s chicken which was F12s, and they would just tell us, we was like, we’ll go and pick ’em up. And they would put ’em in the–
Captain Brien: And then you–
Hank Denson: They put ’em in the window, waiting for us to pay and my cousin would snatch ’em and run.
Captain Brien: Seriously.
Hank Denson: And I would be like, yo. And I’m just a kid with ’em.
Captain Brien: And you had to go with ’em. Boom. Was it good Chinese food?
Hank Denson: It was excellent, man
Captain Brien: Was it Boston Chinese food or–
Hank Denson: No, New York.
Captain Brien: Ohh.
Hank Denson: So it was real good, no rice and peas, none of that nasty carrots and stuff.
Captain Brien: Yeah, yeah.
Hank Denson: And then we used to camp, summer camp, the same thing. My cousins didn’t want to stay for the day camp. When you stay for the camp, it was done by the church so they would make you pray and do all this stuff.
Captain Brien: Right.
Hank Denson: Cousins didn’t want to do all that so they were like, yo, we’re gonna go get these sandwiches and we’ll get these cookies and the juice, and we’re gonna run. And my–
Captain Brien: You just planned it out.
Hank Denson: And they would go over there and, I didn’t know that they were going to do this, they would just, get your lunch and run, Henry!
Captain Brien: That’s like chew and screw.
Hank Denson: Thing is I had asthma, and I was a sickly kid then. So I was, I wasn’t fast. And it was, I was always scared somebody’s gonna catch me, and, hey, I’m gonna tell. ‘m a snitch.
Captain Brien: Yeah, you’re going right out.
Hank Denson: Oh, I’m telling. I’d rather tell than my mother get a hold of me any day.
Captain Brien: Oh my God
Hank Denson: It is so beautiful here–
Captain Brien: It is that, right?
Hank Denson: I just left Cleveland, I love y’all, Cleveland, but y’all need to turn the heat on.
Captain Brien: And what’s a good food in Cleveland?
Hank Denson: Oh, I had Puerto Rican food.
Captain Brien: Puerto Rican food?
Hank Denson: Yeah, I had–
Captain Brien: There’s a lot of Puerto Ricans?
Hank Denson: Yep. In Lorraine, Cleveland is a whole community.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Hank Denson: Yeah, I had a mofongo, I had some rice.
Captain Brien: What’s a mofongo?
Hank Denson: It’s a, it’s kind of like the corn tortilla and it’s fried and then they put the meat inside it–
Captain Brien: So it’s all healthy.
Hank Denson: Oh, no, none of it’s healthy. None of it, but it’s so good. So good, man.
Captain Brien: I ate Cuban food yesterday.
Hank Denson: Cuban sandwiches are good, the bread was the fattening part.
Captain Brien: Yeah, I didn’t have the pork.
Hank Denson: Okay.
Captain Brien: And–
Hank Denson: You had no choice.
Captain Brien: Rice and black beans.
Hank Denson: Cuban, Cuban food is no fish, ever.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: It’s pork
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: Yeah, but they had turkey ribs, if you’ve never had turkey ribs.
Captain Brien: I never heard of it.
Hank Denson: Julie, have you had turkey ribs? Turkey ribs in Cleveland are good.
Captain Brien: Hey, Julie! Julie’s from Wakefield, we went to high school.
Hank Denson: Oh, word?
Captain Brien: We went to elementary school. We went to middle school together.
Hank Denson: Did you know how cool he was gonna be?
Captain Brien: Oh my God.
Hank Denson: Huh, did you know he was gonna be this guy? Did you know he was gonna be Captain Brien? Liquor Extraordinaire Club owner? Huh?
Captain Brien: Tell me about the turkey ribs?
Hank Denson: So turkey ribs taste like–
Captain Brien: It’s the actual, that’s just something that people don’t eat so then they made something out of it, right?
Hank Denson: I’m thinking that it’s real. I’m thinking that it’s a real thing, it tastes like turkey, but it had like a smoked, good seasoning to it. So I don’t, and they were like, it looked like they were turkey sized.
Captain Brien: What?
Hank Denson: Yeah, they were like…
Captain Brien: And they, and they were what, they had meat on just one side? Like a real rib?
Hank Denson: They had meat on both sides.
Captain Brien: It wasn’t the rib cage of the turkey.
Hank Denson: It was super light, yeah, it was super light.
Captain Brien: It was the rib cage of the turkey?
Hank Denson: Yeah and it was bones, like a rib, it looked like ribs.
Captain Brien: Okay.
Hank Denson: And it was good, man. I was shocked.
Captain Brien: So that was, you know what that is? That’s what they do is when they take the turkey breast off the bone?
Hank Denson: Uh-huh?
Captain Brien: They throw that away. And someone’s like, yeah, we can do something with that.
Hank Denson: Do they really do that?
Captain Brien: Yeah, that’s when they cut the breast meat off, you just have the rib left there with a little bit of meat in between. But how much meat did they leave on the rib?
Hank Denson: It’s a good amount.
Captain Brien: So they must have made like, take it like a thinner cut on the breast.
Hank Denson: Yeah, they do, it’s dense. It’s dense, it’s not heavy.
Captain Brien: But you saw multiple rib cages?
Hank Denson: Yeah, and I didn’t feel like, you know, that tryptophan, I didn’t have that feeling.
Captain Brien: Oh.
Hank Denson: So, yeah. And I don’t eat turkey. I’m not like a Thanksgiving turkey dude. We do–
Captain Brien: I don’t really like it either.
Hank Denson: We do crab boiling.
Captain Brien: Like a slice.
Hank Denson: We do crab boils.
Captain Brien: Oh you go right all out and no turkey?
Hank Denson: Yeah, we do a crab boil or a lasagna, we go a whole different direction.
Captain Brien: We do–
Hank Denson: Prime rib.
Captain Brien: We do a whole thing. Like, we’ll do salad, tons of appetizers, we’ll do Italian wedding soup, we’ll do lasagna, manicotti, or ravioli.
Hank Denson: Okay.
Captain Brien: Then we’ll do a ham. And then we do turkey.
Hank Denson: That’s a lot of food.
Captain Brien: Yeah, it’s a lot.
Hank Denson: That’s a lot.
Hank Denson: But you guys, it sounds like you guys cook for after Thanksgiving.
Captain Brien: No, we just, I don’t eat leftovers. Ever.
Hank Denson: See?
Captain Brien: I eat no leftovers, ever. I won’t even eat pizza.
Hank Denson: This is my–
Captain Brien: If it’s like a slice–
Hank Denson: This is why he never had to steal Chinese food. He’s never had a leftover.
Captain Brien: I didn’t want Bruce Lee coming after me.
Hank Denson: How do you not ever have a leftover? I don’t eat leftovers!
Captain Brien: It’s just a weird thing. Everybody– My son and daughter don’t eat leftovers.
Hank Denson: They don’t eat it?
Captain Brien: No.
Captain Brien: I won’t even go to the pizza shop and order a slice if it looks like it’s been sitting there too long where they have to heat it up.
Hank Denson: Yeah, I won’t do that either.
Captain Brien: Like, I won’t eat cupcakes, sometimes, if they’re there too long–
Hank Denson: You won’t eat ’em?
Captain Brien: I’m like, that’s too long.
Hank Denson: I mean, there’s nothing wrong with wanting freshness in your life, man. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
Captain Brien: Yeah.
Hank Denson: Life has an expiration date and your food should, too
Captain Brien: I agree with that.
Hank Denson: That’s good. Only thing you can do in this life–
Captain Brien: I never take a doggy bag. Do you take doggy bags home?
Hank Denson: Nah.
Captain Brien: No.
Hank Denson: Like if somebody get, if I have something left over, I’ll take it but I usually don’t eat it.
Captain Brien: Really.
Hank Denson: You know what I mean, like, I’ll have it, ’cause I don’t want to like, oh, I’m not eating that. So, I don’t want to be wasteful in front of people, but I’ll take it back to the hotel.
Captain Brien: I was talking to someone–
Hank Denson: And just throw it in the trash.
Captain Brien: Yesterday, no, about four days ago. Where they literally said, that if there’s a bite left, if there’s chicken wings–
Hank Denson: They gotta finish it.
Captain Brien: No, they take it home. Like, literally any part that’s not completely consumed–
Hank Denson: So what do they–
Captain Brien: They’ll take the half a baked potato.
Hank Denson: They must’ve lived a hard life.
Captain Brien: Everything, it’s just–
Hank Denson: That’s parents.
Captain Brien: I don’t, yeah.
Hank Denson: Your parents do that to you. Like, now I realize that I stopped forcing my son to finish all his food. Clean that plate, finish that! ‘Cause he’s actually full. And you’re forcing your kids to be obese.
Captain Brien: Yeah, you don’t have to do that.
Hank Denson: You don’t have to do that, and I cut his portions. My son can eat two Chipotle burritos like it ain’t nothing. Boom.
Captain Brien: But at that age, he can. Like, I could eat two huge Philly cheesesteaks at this place called Super Subs and they were like, two pound subs. And the guy-
Hank Denson: You mean now?
Captain Brien: No, not now. But back then I could. Now if I try to be forceful.
Hank Denson: Yeah.
Captain Brien: Yeah, but back when I was in college, playing baseball, man I could eat, dude.
Hank Denson: You played college baseball?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I played baseball in college.
Hank Denson: What haven’t you done, man?
Captain Brien: I don’t know, I don’t know.
Hank Denson: Dude, you’re all–
Captain Brien: Look at the lighting, look at my lighting guy just made–
Hank Denson: Dude, the crazy thing about this guy, this is the most I’ve, man, I’mma share this and then I’mma put at the top of the caption, the stuff about Brien that you never knew. I did not know that you played baseball.
Captain Brien: You didn’t know that?
Hank Denson: No, what college?
Captain Brien: Endicott College, I played down in Emory.
Hank Denson: Really?
Captain Brien: Yeah, I played every four years, we played against Emory, a bunch of times, down in–
Hank Denson: Get outta here.
Captain Brien: We used to travel to Atlanta, Georgia, from 1994 to ’98 every March for about ten days.
Hank Denson: Are you serous?
Captain Brien: Yeah, played all through the Oglethorpe, right?
Hank Denson: Really? What position did you play?
Captain Brien: I was a pitcher.
Hank Denson: You pitched?
Captain Brien: I pitched at Endicott, yeah. And then–
Hank Denson: Can I Google this?
Captain Brien: You can Google it of course, absolutely, yeah. No doubt, no doubt. Guys, this is the Captain’s Log, while he’s Googling, I’m going to wrap it up. We’re done. Don’t miss Hank Denson’s Pay Teachers More Money Tour, all around the country, yeah?
Hank Denson: Yeah, all around the country, it’s called–
Captain Brien: At Off the Hook Comedy Club tonight.
Hank Denson: Teacher Relief Live, tonight. Hank Denson, Pay Teachers More Money, why, ’cause kids matter, ’cause teachers matter, too. And we need to take care of ’em. And this dude is awesome, the book is open, I’ve gotta find out.
Captain Brien: We’re gonna have some fun. Be good, guys, thanks